I Feel Bad (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [BRIGHT TONES.]
We all need a way to reset our souls, don't we? Yeah, I don't have time to do yoga on the beach at sunset.
This is my idea of relaxation.
I call this pose "the reclining pig.
" I get to hold it for 20 minutes a day when the kids are finally asleep and David's in the shower.
It's the only "me" time I get because for every other minute of every day, someone needs me.
Oh, Emet! Emet! We need you! Our VR game designs need to be approved before the concept meeting tomorrow.
You guys were supposed to get me those by 3:00.
Whoa, pretty demanding for someone who took her sweet-ass time at lunch today.
I took my baby to the doctor.
I held him down while he got shots.
You came back with a lollipop.
It couldn't have been that bad.
The lollipop was my lunch.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, all right.
Go ahead.
Put it on the pile.
I got this.
Yeah, yeah.
Go, go, go.
Home stretch until I get to my 20 minutes.
I just have to make dinner, put the kids to bed, clean up, say hi to the husband oh, and pee.
- Like, now.
- Mom! Louie flew his helicopter into my hair! It's no big deal, Mom.
I'll go get the scissors.
- No, no, no - No, you psycho! I'll kill you! Lily, don't call him a psycho! And Louie, stop being a psycho! Oh, you're home.
- Yeah.
- Good.
Listen.
You know how I have trouble reading Caleb at work? - Yes.
- Well, I decided that today was the day I was gonna show him my new press plan.
This is the part of my day where David spins out and I reassure.
I call it putting Humpty-David back together again.
That I like actually, that doesn't sound good either.
Oh yeah, Caleb's gonna fire me.
Okay, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey.
Humpty honey, Caleb is not firing you.
You are the best PR person that airline has ever had.
- I am? - Yes, they are lucky - to have you.
- You're right.
- Yes! - Thank you, you're the best.
- Hey, you know what you need? - What? - How about a date night? - Yeah.
- How about I just spoil you? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
So just pick a place, make a reservation, get a sitter, and I am there.
Oh, I cannot wait.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Okay, I got it.
- I'll get it.
Hi.
It's your neighbor.
How are you? - Listen, Emert - It's Emet.
Oh.
That's weird too.
Listen, Ren and I are off to Budapest, and I was wondering if you're not, like - Mom, she's crazy! - I'm gonna kill you! Quiet! If you're not too busy, would you mind bringing in our packages and then agitating our compost for us while we're gone? This globetrotting [BLEEP.]
needs to stir her own garbage.
Tell her no! Of course.
I'd be happy to.
What the hell is wrong with you, Emert? Oh, my God, amazing.
Thank you so much, and ciao-maste.
- Bye! - Bye.
I know this looks overwhelming, but as long as I can get my 20 minutes, I can handle anything.
Just dinner, clean-up, bedtime, then a light at the end of the tunnel.
- Hello.
- A pipe burst in our condo.
We need to stay here for a week.
Whichever bathroom I use is mine.
I'm battling athlete's foot.
[SIGHS.]
Take, take, take control Control of me Take me, me, me Take, take control of me Well, two more annoying things on my plate.
My parents.
Maya, did you remember to bring my fiber? My love, have I ever forgotten your fiber? - [SMOOCHING.]
- Oh, I've glimpsed our future, - and I don't like it.
- It's bad.
Okay, I can get a bunch of vouchers from the airline and we can get them a free hotel room and put them in it for the week.
- A hotel? - Yeah.
What, like they're white parents? Why don't you just spit on them? Okay, they are going to stay here, and it will be terrible.
Deal with it.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
As you can tell, we are very excited about these new character designs.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, they're fine.
They're fine.
Just fine.
Well, I'm spiraling.
Sorry, check back with me later.
[SIGHS.]
Sorry, guys, they're good.
They're really good, okay? It's just with my parents staying, I just I have nothing left in the tank.
You know what your problem is? I just told you what my problem is.
No, okay, your problem is the same problem - that all women have.
- Oh, I know what it is.
- Um, osteoporosis.
- Bloating.
- Humidity.
- Iron.
- Dryness? - Calcium.
- Uh, itching.
- Burning.
- Swelling.
- Transvaginal mesh.
- Leaks! - Ah, leaks.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, okay, all those things, but mainly women aren't entitled enough.
- You gotta take what you want.
- It's true.
We socialize girls to be less assertive.
I actually read about a study where they asked women what part of a human centipede they would want to be, and half of them wouldn't even answer the question.
Yeah, my point is, you're never gonna get what you want if you keep acting like a woman.
- You gotta manspread.
- Manspread.
Yeah.
See, manspreading is when a guy, or man, sits on a subway with his legs apart, or spread.
Okay, you don't need to mansplain manspreading to me.
Look at the wussy way you're sitting right now.
You're too polite to even take up your own chair.
I can take up a chair.
That's not that hard or just, like I can do the things that you guys it's actually not that's not even comfortable.
You know what? Manspreading is gross, and I'm not doing it.
I know that I can handle this in a dignified, lady way.
Like Meryl Streep in everything.
I will just meet everyone's needs and eke out a teeny tiny break for myself without anyone ever knowing or getting their feelings hurt.
Yeah, you'd definitely be the worst part of the centipede.
Those guys were wrong.
Women can be any part of the centipede they want.
I just need to preserve my precious 20 minutes.
I can do it.
I can Whoa.
What the "fuh"? Mom.
- What the "fuh"? - I'll tell you "what the fuh.
" This kitchen has no flow.
Cooking is a dance.
Stove, cooking the oil.
Instead, I'm reaching for the spices, and plastic bags is what I find.
- Mom.
- We're getting hangry.
Grandma says she can't cook until she can dance.
- Mom.
- Emet? I need a bucket and some mild detergent.
Sonny, I asked you to buy some fruit, not steal fruit from the neighbor's yard.
Who am I hurting? I'm a quiet squirrel, climbing over fences, taking what I need.
[CHITTERING.]
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
Something moved! - Something moved! - Food! BOTH: Food! Food! Food! - Okay, okay, okay! [ALL SHOUTING.]
Okay! Cap it! I will get take-out.
David, keep everyone alive, but kill whatever's in my dad's fruit.
There.
Needs met.
No manspreading required.
See you soon, 20 minutes.
Okay! Hustle up, everybody! Food's here! Oh, my God.
I need to sleep with you tonight.
- I'm scared.
- What? Channel 12 has footage of this gruesome, execution-style murder.
Suspect still at large.
- Hey.
- What does "at large" mean? "At large" means he's still out there - and could kill again.
- [WHIMPERS.]
- Dad! - Oh.
Sorry, uh, he or she could kill again.
Dad okay, listen to me.
Let go, let go, let go.
I can't breathe.
Hey, honey, I will read you an extra bedtime story tonight, okay? There goes 5 minutes off my 20.
Ew! Ew! - Why is it wet? - Oh, good.
I think that's where Jake threw up.
Yeah, we heard the baby puke, but we didn't see him puke.
Found it.
Yeah, we thought he ate it like a dog.
- Oh, hey, can we get a dog? - No, no.
- We are never getting a dog.
- [HUFFS.]
[GROANS.]
Okay.
I need to rinse off my puke foot.
Dude! You wasted the dog card.
Remember our plan? BOTH: Wait for Grandpa to die.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
All right, I have puke on my foot, but at least I get to go to the one place I get some peace and quiet.
[YELPS.]
Mom! Please don't tell me that you are washing your delicates while you wash your delicates.
I am multi-tasking.
Do you know how much water costs? Do you know how much therapy costs? Privacy, please.
Yes, fine.
Fine.
Fine.
So it's come to this.
My me-time consists of the 30 seconds it takes to wash my puke foot in the sink.
At least the day is over.
Ugh, my neighbor's stupid packages.
Now I have to go deal with that.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Look at this place.
I feel like I've died and gone to a clean, quiet, puke-free house.
Yes, pillows, I will "do me.
" I'm ready.
Ready to manspread.
[SIGHS.]
All up in my neighbor's tub.
Rubba-dub-dub.
[SIGHS.]
[PUNCHY MUSIC.]
Hey, guys.
- Move it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, you're glowing right now.
There's only one reason why women glow.
- Moisturizing.
- Exfoliation.
- Collagen.
- Shoe sale.
- Microdermabrasion.
- Chin wax.
- Pregnancy? - Menopause.
Uh-uh.
You're cheating on your husband.
[BOTH GASP.]
No.
You little miss tarty-pants.
[SCOFFS.]
I just snuck away from my family and took a bath - at my neighbor's house.
- [SCOFFS.]
You're cheating with a house.
That's not a thing.
It's just that other house is so new and different and smells nice and has the biggest deck I have ever [GASPS.]
I'm cheating with a house.
Yeah, you wanna be careful.
There are a million ways you could get caught.
- Trust me, I know.
- Ew.
- Chewey, you cheat? - That's kind, but no.
No, I've been cheated on many a time.
I guess I just have one of those faces that make you want a different face.
Okay, okay.
So just tell me how to not get caught, because I have to go back tonight.
Okay, first, you're gonna want to have a bomb-ass cover story.
Keep it simple.
You're working late.
David asks any questions, distract him with a compliment.
If he gets suspicious, offer sex.
- Oh, that's good.
- Lastly, no photographic evidence.
You're gonna want to take deck pics we all do, everybody does.
You just gotta [HISSES THROUGH TEETH.]
- No, no, no.
- God, that deck.
David keeps wanting to put one in the back, - but I always say no.
- [SIGHS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hey.
You working late tonight? - Is everything okay? - Yeah, yeah.
No, everything's fine, I just, uh just the way you said that.
Your voice was so low and sexy.
Yeah? You wanna hear how low I can go? Oh stop, sexy! I have to focus on the work that I am really doing.
So, you'll be good with my parents, then? [BARITONE.]
Oh yeah, baby, I'll be fine.
Just hurry home and [DIAL TONE.]
Hello? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
[PEPPY MUSIC.]
Is that an Alexa? How can I help you? Just that you would ask me that means so much.
No one ever cares about our needs.
Am I right, sister? I mean, people just want to take, take, take.
- You have kids, girl? - Not yet.
I'm saving myself for Jeff Bezos.
Oh, yeah.
[SNIFFS.]
Yeah, he's a catch.
- Oh, Maya.
- Hello.
Sonny's with the kids.
It's just us tonight, man.
- How intimate.
- Don't make it weird, weirdo.
Now, let's talk about your finances.
So, I'm never going to go to a nursing home.
What's your plan for that? [HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
I got the heart of a hustler Passion of a grinder I'm terrible.
This is, like, $1,000 worth of lotion.
Not my thousand.
Damn, I'm gonna be so smooth.
Y'all know me I make moves like a boss Private nurse walk-in tub a little fun money for my gambling hobby and the total is Unthinkable, on your meager salary.
[KHIA'S "MY NECK, MY BACK".]
My neck, my back My [SIGHS.]
Just like that My neck, my back My [SIGHS.]
Just like that Oh! Ah! I didn't think you'd be up.
Hey, do you think we need long-term care insurance? Because your mom does, and she has me thinking.
She has me really, really thinking.
Oh, no, I wasn't there for Humpty-David, and my mom broke him.
Baby, you're so fit.
- You're gonna live forever.
- Mm.
You smell weird.
Did you go somewhere after work or what? - Wanna do me? - Yeah.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Oh, I can't wait to be inside of you again.
BOTH: What? Nothing.
[BOTH MOANING.]
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Whoa.
Somebody got some house last night.
Ugh.
I feel a little guilty, but you can't deny the results.
I mean, I'm a better mom, and I'm a better wife.
I had sex with my husband on a weekday.
- [RETCHES.]
- La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la - Nice! - Taking what I need has made me a better woman 'cause I'm a man.
Look, I'm all for equality for women, but not just so they can take on all the worst qualities of men.
- But those are the fun ones.
- I don't know, Emet.
It seems to me like you're getting a little cocky, and when you get cocky, you get careless.
Have you turned off location tracking on your phone? What about "Find My Friends"? "Find My Friends" is how I caught my last ex.
Ironically, I found her on my friend.
- [EXHALES.]
- I have an idea.
I'll turn off "Find My Friends.
" I literally just said that.
She stole my idea.
You are a man.
Right before we execute you for killing those girls.
I'll bring you your last meal.
- How's that? - Sounds good to me, Ice-T.
Oh, I'm hungry.
Where is my food? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
Hi ay-ay.
["LAW AND ORDER: SVU" INTRO PLAYS ON TV.]
Your Postmates account is linked to my email, so when you order food, I get an alert.
I got cocky.
Okay, David, I swear, I was not running away from you or the kids, but my parents stole my 20 minutes, so I had to manspread to get a better spot in the human centipede.
Emet, Emet, all I have to say to you is, how dare you not let me in on this.
Oh, God, he wants in.
Just tell him you need space.
Tell him about the 20 minutes.
He'll understand.
Sure, yes! Get in here! - Yeah? - Yes! - Yeah.
- What? Amazing.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
Okay, okay, here's what we're gonna do.
A, we're gonna get rid of those candles because they're stinky.
B, I see some "Three Stooges" DVDs.
We are gonna crush those.
First I am gonna carry you to the bedroom.
Well, it's this or nothing, so I pick this.
- I'm in.
- Yeah.
- Whoo! - Oh.
- Whoa! Ow.
- Oop! I should have warned you, I went a little nuts - with the lotion.
- Yeah.
So it was just my parents watching the kids.
- That'll be fine, right? - No! Your parents are working late, and they said no TV tonight.
BOTH: Oh, come on, Grandma.
Come on.
When I was a kid, we told stories.
[BOTH GROAN.]
The year was 1977.
A fever swept through my village.
The village was Greenwich, the fever was boogie, and I tested positive.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Oh, no.
I'm feeling symptoms.
[DISCO MUSIC.]
- I love dancing - Dancing [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Guys, I've been thinking.
Are we really helping things by telling Emet - to turn into a dude? - Hell, yeah.
She's finally taking charge of her own life.
Who run the world? Dudes.
Yeah, but think about it this way: If Emet's a dude, who's gonna take care of us? She did let us keep Gummy Town.
Mm-hmm.
And she always has Band-Aids in her purse.
She put a Post-It on my computer that says, "Button your pants before you stand up.
" That's very helpful.
Neither of you two clowns would do that for me.
Hey, president of Emet's fan club, you wanna get me some gummy bears? Yes.
I will do that, Griff.
- BOTH: Oh! - Don't look at my butt! - Never not funny.
- That's actually not funny.
Despite David's invasion, we were having fun.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello.
[LAUGHS.]
Can you believe Mackenzie wore a short wedding dress? "Hi, I'm Mackenzie.
"I might walk down an aisle or shimmy down a pole.
" "Oh, hey, Mackenzie, um, I'm a grown man "that has other men sign his clothing.
Will you marry me?" - [LAUGHING.]
Aww, this is fun.
But I do feel a little bad sticking the kids with my parents.
Yeah, I do too.
Hey, let's eat these peoples' cheese - and do it in their clothes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Mine, mine.
Figs, me.
[DISCO MUSIC.]
It's heaven on Earth When we're in a disco Doing our favorite moves BOTH: Ah! Lily, please make them stop.
Grandpa? Can you get us some fruit? I'll pick you some fruit.
Picking fruit, picking fruit, Picking fruit, picking fruit.
I mean, this guy better enjoy his disposable income while he can, 'cause once he has kids, it is like diapers, karate, braces, vasectomy.
- [IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
- And by the way, you can say "ciao-maste" to all your skimpy little two-pieces once you get that C-section scar.
I love this.
I love hanging out with you, - busting other couples.
- Whoo! We're good at it.
This is all I need.
Like, this is the you I like.
Oh, you're a dead man.
"This is the me that you like"? Uh-oh.
No, undo.
Delete, delete, delete.
I just meant I like it when you're happy.
- Oh, you like that? - Yeah.
- You like it when I'm happy? - Well Everyone always likes it when women are happy.
They they want us to smile even that weirdo that I that I run by in the mornings but nobody cares what we actually need.
- I do! - You I really do.
Tell me.
You think you want to know.
People burn women at the stake for having the dark and scary needs that we have.
Sweetie, I have seen three people come out of your body.
I can handle your dark and scary needs.
Fine.
Sometimes I need a break.
- Okay.
- Even from you.
[GASPS.]
Witch! I mean, I thought we had fun together, but the whole time, you've actually needed a break from me.
I mean, like, what else aren't you telling me? I mean, do you actually not like my music? Do you actually think Caleb's gonna fire me? David, listen to me.
David, hey.
You are a great husband, and Caleb is not firing you.
And I love being with you.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
And do you hear what I'm doing right now? Helping me not spin out? Yeah.
Which is probably a lot of work for you.
Yeah.
Look, it's not easy for me to say this, but sometimes I need it to just be about me.
Okay, but if that's how you really feel, then maybe you should ask for a break.
Look, it's not that simple.
The world judges me differently.
When I need a break, I'm selfish.
When you need a break, you've earned it.
I mean, "Wow, what a great husband.
Working and helping with the kids?" You change one diaper, it goes viral.
I change a diaper, I get shamed, because, you know, the baby's not potty trained.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize any of that.
Look, I can't change the whole world, but I can be the guy that has your back if you need a break.
So how about this? These douchebags travel a lot, and I'll bet you could sneak back over here and make this your little retreat.
And I'll cover for you, okay? Thank you.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
- Wait, no - Oh, my God.
It was her idea! Get undressed.
Get undressed! It was her idea! She needed space! [CLAMORING.]
[BOTH SHOUTING.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
Emet, I I'm sorry, but when I was on my fruit walk, I thought I saw someone robbing the neighbor's house.
Dad, you were robbing the neighbor's house.
Quiet.
Fruit is free.
I'm a citizen.
Look, uh, that's between you and your neighbors, but right now you probably have mild concussions.
Do you have someone who could take care of you? [SIGHS.]
We'll be fine.
- Don't be stupid.
- Ow, Mom! Daddy and I will stay here for another week.
[SIGHS.]
Now I must go relax in a nice hot laundry bath.
USA.
Hey, Emet.
Okay.
I know we told you we wanted you to man up, but now we'd really like you to man down.
I I don't know what that means.
Now you can get your 20 minutes anywhere.
Sit here.
Little scared.
[GASPS.]
Oh, you guys made me a bathtub.
Oh.
Hi, bubbly bubbly.
Hi.
[GASPS.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, how'd you get the water so warm? This feels like a private moment.
And we're live, here.
Oh, that is so bubbly.
I guess what I learned is, as hard as it is to be needed, it's even harder not to be needed is the kind of crap women are supposed to say.
Mom, Lily's taking revenge! My beautiful curls! [HOLLERS.]
Emet, let me hang these chimes I found on your neighbor's porch.
Your underwear got mixed up with mine.
Are you a mother or a prostitute? Hey, guys hey.
Stop.
Yo.
Hey, hey! Stop! Everybody out.
Out of the living room.
Go away.
Yes, good.
Babe.
You really heard me, didn't you? I did.
Thank you.
Hey, is there room for two in that tub? - David.
- I'll go, yeah.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Ooh, look at me.
I'm a career woman and a mother.
Failing at both.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I'm David.
The bad man at work makes me feel so sad.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
I can't believe we have to stay another week in this house.
Why can't we stay at a hotel? What are we, white people? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [FAKE CRYING.]
- [GOOFY EXCLAMATIONS.]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]