I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Baby Monkeys
[Indie music.]
- Hey! - Whoa, nice timing.
So we're really doing this, huh? I guess so.
I mean, I met her there last Tuesday and it's Tuesday, so So maybe we'll see her.
More importantly, maybe you'll get your little man-pants back, Jay.
Ha ha, I doubt it.
But look, you know, at least I'll have tried.
And then I can start plan B: Becoming religious and finding a nice girl via arranged marriage.
Eh, I don't know.
Religious girls aren't really into personal grooming.
I had gym with Tikva Rubenstein.
Huge bush.
Ew.
[Car horn.]
What the hell? Whoa, sweet ride, dick.
Come on, let's do this.
I'm here to support you.
Because, you know, you're fat, and it's hard for you to meet girls.
[Bar chatter.]
Well, she's not here.
On the bright side, you have to buy the first round since now I'll never love again.
Don't joke it off, Jay.
Joke it off.
That sounds dirty, like something a naughty clown would do.
Come on, are you okay? Yeah, it's just we had this amazing night, and then she fake-numbered me.
Stupid, I know, but I keep wondering, did I do something wrong? No, nobody ever figures out what they did wrong.
You know, very few people have perspective like that.
And those that do are usually really into jam bands.
I should be writing these pearls down.
- Hey.
- Oh, look super-couple's here.
- Hey! - So? to have sex with a mannequin.
You should go be that mannequin.
- Shut up, Eric.
- Nice.
What's up, late night plans? No, I'm just expecting a text from Brett.
I mean, usually a few days after we fight, he sends me a dumb text Picture of a cat with a mustache or whatever.
It's been over a week.
It doesn't matter, I mean, it's done.
Whatever.
Maybe be mature and text him? Uh, no.
No way I'm texting him.
Yeah, well at least you could contact Brett.
I can't even find Jane.
I mean, it's a total hail Mary, but I could post on missed connections.
[Gasps.]
What do we have so far? Sorry, I was just looking at this sex ad.
"B.
B.
W.
Seeks M.
A.
B.
"? Whatever that is.
Male adult baby.
Do not Google it.
What? I get bored at work.
Okay, so I have "you, Jane, me Guy whose pants you borrowed.
" No, lose the Tarzan start.
"The number you left was actually thai food.
"Great thai, so thanks.
But let's meet up again.
I have other clothing items that might fit you.
" I don't know, is it funny enough? Let me see.
- [Gasps.]
- Posted.
What the hell? I was gonna put something ironic in there.
[Laughter.]
So my weekend was bizonkers.
I drank so much I almost went blind.
And I went to this place called toast.
All they serve is toast.
It's super-carby.
Ugh, and then, like, kev is now stalking me on I.
M.
It's like, it was just a beej, let it go.
Anyway, you? You ever hear from what's-his-butt? No, not yet.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
I'm Kent.
I intern here.
Hi, intern Kent.
Hey, I was wondering if you could do me, like, a huge favor.
I need to make coffee for Maya's meeting, and I have zero idea how to use that thing.
I'm more of a tea guy.
- Butch.
- Yeah, I know.
Uh, but could you help me? Dyl, can you? I'm uploading.
Can't.
I'm in the middle of an epic I.
M.
War over here.
[Sighs.]
Okay, it's pretty straightforward.
Step one, put in coffee.
Step two, put in water.
Step three, push button.
Soon, coffee.
Thank you.
I grew up in the city, so mechanical objects usually require the super.
What do you do when you run out of ice, call 911? Uh, I've been making my own ice since I was 16.
[Sighs.]
Good luck with the caffeine crowd.
[Silent.]
I know we're into keeping it local, but this place is deeply sketchy.
Why didn't we just go to Macy's? We're on a budget, remember? Yeah, you know what, you always do this.
You seize control like a sexy-ass dictator.
[Laughs.]
You know you can be bad at decisions, er.
You make your famous pros and cons lists and ooh.
This is pretty comfy, right? - It's fine, but - Can I help you? Yes, we'd like this bed.
But only if you do free delivery.
For cash? Uh, sure.
- No, I just think that - This is a bargain, er.
Plus we'll be done.
We can just go home and You know.
[Whispers.]
Break it in.
Just trust me, 'kay? Okay.
Uh, yeah, sure.
We'll take it.
Jay.
I was worried something might have happened.
- I know, I'm sorry I'm late.
- I'm kidding.
I wasn't worried.
[Laughs.]
The only time I remember you even exist is when I can see you.
Oh, you exist! Hi.
Thanks, JB.
Oh, God, I love moms.
Especially single moms.
You go over there and get a decent free meal.
By 8:00, the kids have gone down and then their mama goes down.
Oh, look at that one.
She's got that sweet mound to rub.
Nature's miracle.
You have a lot to teach me.
I'd totally hump that bump.
[Phone chimes.]
Lame, I know.
Hr had me make a phone tree.
You know, in case of terrorist attacks, so I got your number.
And you're getting school credit for that? Yeah, but I don't feel like I'm learning anything.
I'd love to pick your brain about how this place works.
And thank you for before.
Can I buy you a drink after work? I've only been here for, like, less than a year.
Sara knows way more than I do.
Yeah, I don't really know her, though.
And you already kinda schooled me on the coffee.
So you're kinda my mentor.
And my last mentor, Mr.
Varga, is in jail for a touch-related incident.
So I'm kinda counting on you.
Uh, sure, if it's early.
And like, two blocks from here.
Okay, great, awesome, okay.
[Whispers.]
Yes! - Oh! - Oh, say it, say I was right! You were right.
Profoundly right.
Harder.
Sorry, harder always sounds dumb.
Also, harder's a little emasculating.
Like I can't do it hard enough.
No, you're doing great.
Don't stop.
Don't stop's kind of insulting.
Am I so out of shape that I might stop? Okay, don't ruin new mattress sex.
So, what did you want to know about online fashion discounts? Honestly, nothing.
I just think you're cool and pretty, and I really wanted to hang out with you.
Wow.
That's really straightforward of you.
Yeah, I've been told I'm a bit of a romantic.
It's not like I own the notebook on DVD or anything.
But I do think that it's a really, really good movie.
Yeah, I can't watch that movie around other people.
I ugly cry.
[Chuckles.]
- Y-you keep checking your phone.
Are you live tweeting this? Intern likes me, hashtag: Omfg, or whatever? Oh, it's just this guy who should be texting me but isn't.
What guy wouldn't text you? I know.
Unfathomable.
[Phone chimes.]
You're a total cornball.
AndWhenever you're ready.
Gouda's good.
But cheddar's better.
[Phone vibrates.]
When my mom makes grilled cheese sandwiches, she uses only the best cheese.
Holy crap! Jane.
- Come on, dude! - Oh That was pure [Bleep.]
gold! I know, I'm sorry.
Just go again.
Gouda's good, but cheddar's better.
When my mom makes grilled cheese sandwiches [Sighs.]
That was awesome.
[Chuckles.]
Now I see what everyone is talking about.
What are What are you talking about? I mean, before lots.
But nothing like that, though.
Ain't nothing like the real thing.
That song is so true, you know - W-wa-wait, wait.
What are you saying? UhDon't freak out.
I'm a virgin.
Was [Whispers.]
A virgin.
See, boss.
Look.
Her ass? Hard like young boy's.
But her breasts? Soft like baby's head.
That's an interesting analogy.
Are you recording? I record everything.
[Door bell jingles.]
Iced coffee.
My soul hurts.
Where have you been? I texted you like eight times last night.
Jane responded to my craigslist ad.
Oh, Jay, that's crazy.
I know.
I cannot believe it worked.
I'm meeting her tonight.
Oh, I also have some news.
I devirginized an intern.
I don't know how you just managed to steal my thunder, but you did.
You take man's virginity? No, I didn't take anything, okay? It was given to me, surprisingly forcefully for a dude who's only had sex with his hands before.
You know he'll never forget you.
Oh, God, don't joke.
He's very sweet.
I don't wanna, like, hurt him.
He's not a girl in a vampire movie.
Guys don't fall in love from sex.
Says a guy who had sex with a girl in his fridge and probably has spent the last hour debating which shirt to wear on his big date tonight.
This one's cool, right? Not a problem.
Taking man's virginity is great honor.
Taking woman's is responsibility.
You must write her father a thank-you note.
Or buy him DVD.
So, like, how do I play it tonight? Like nothing happened? What, is that Brett? No Just be yourself.
You know, it'll be a little awkward.
You'll have some drinks.
And before you know it, you'll be back at your place, gently humping in your toaster.
Just hide your clothes if she sleeps over.
'Kay, I gotta run, wish me luck.
- I wish you sex.
- Hey, whore fairy.
Make sex wish for me also.
[Workout music.]
Ugh! Oh, God! Eric.
'Sup, baby? - Get off the mattress.
- What are you talking about? It came off the street.
What? We made love on a trash bag.
Made the ice cubes myself.
Bought the cookie.
You look cute today.
See, this is why it's good to think things through.
But if you just contemplate all day long, you never get anything done.
[Phone vibrates.]
Just let me win this argument, babe.
Hey, ugh, hang on.
- Oh, really, right now? - Hang on.
Hey.
I have a situation.
Can you talk? I need lady perspective.
What's up? Did you hear from Brett? You should just text him, teen, you know you want to.
Oh, no, no, no, it's not that.
Uh, I slept with an intern, and he was a virgin and now he may love me.
Wait, what? Let's skip the part with the raised eyebrows and judging and get to the part where you help me, okay? This thing's touching my face, babe.
All right, here's the situation.
You have aBaby monkey.
But you're human and it's not right for you to keep him.
You need to take the baby monkey back to the jungle.
I think I know what you're talking about.
But what the hell are you talking about? I don't know, I'm getting ringworm right now.
Let me call you later.
[Sighs.]
Hey, hey! We want our money back.
I saw how you get your inventory.
This came off the street.
All sales are final.
Store policy.
Come on.
Besides, you make love on this, right? What? Look.
There are love juices.
There's no way those are all ours.
Whose are they? I can't take this back.
All sales are final.
- No, don't walk away! - All sales are final.
No, this is not over! This is not over! Animals.
Okay, this is all my fault.
I'll fix it.
Eric! [Upbeat music.]
Big date.
[Hocks loogie.]
[Overlapping chatter.]
Jane, hey.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Thought you were somebody else.
You must be Jason, right? Yeah, do we know each other? I answered your ad on missed connections.
It was so romantic.
But it wasn't for you.
We are so similar, you're searching, I'm searching.
The only thing we've never had was a missed connection.
Uh How good is the story of how we met? Am I right? Yeah, uh Oh, here, I got you this glass of wine.
Drink it.
[Silent.]
What? This places is pretty posh.
I feel like I should be wearing a brooch.
I wanted to bring you someplace nice.
About last night I'm not religious or anything.
I just had a lot of acne in High School.
So I'm sorry that I laid the virgin thing on you.
I just figured you could tell.
No, it's fine.
You did fine.
Well, I do practice a lot.
When I'm by myself.
So Kent, uh, ooh, this is hard.
Um, I know I was your first, and I know that holds a lot of meaning.
But what happened between us was just sex.
You know, sweet, lovely, but ultimately wrong drunken sex.
Not to me, it wasn't.
Trust me, it was.
I've been there.
As honored as I am to be your man-maker, I just feel like you should get out there, you know? Explore.
There are so many fish in the sea.
I mean, just look around this bar.
The only fish I see here is you.
That is very sweet and One Tree Hill of you, but I'm not so immature.
I'm 19 21 years old.
I did a semester abroad in Hungary.
I worked summers cleaning Tommy hilfiger's pool.
You can't imagine what I skimmed out of there.
I've seen things, Tina.
Mature, adult-type things.
Seriously, I I I I like you.
Okay? Just give me a chance.
[Breathing hard.]
You only giggled once that time, so I'm guessing I did better? Yeah.
This is so nice, right? YeahNice.
I'm ready again.
Yeah, I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.
I just really wanted it to be her.
I just got out of a pretty intense thing myself with this guy, Brian.
It's a long story, but I totally get what you're going through.
Well, thanks for listening to my ridiculousness.
Of course.
So my shift is over in ten minutes.
Maybe we could go someplace else, help each other heal.
UhYeah.
Sounds good.
[Panting.]
I just want to apologize for the pathetic tip I left before.
I knew we could make each other feel better.
These help, right? Wait, hang on.
Put this on, okay? Sure - Yeah.
- Yeah? Nice.
Just like old times, Brian.
It's Jason, actually.
I'm sorry to correct you.
Everything else you're doing is exactly right.
[Inhales deeply.]
Shut up, Brian.
Okay, um, what are you Feel me say your name.
[Husky voice.]
Bri, bri, bri, bri! Yeah, seems to me like you might not be over this guy Brian.
Bri! Hey, Jason.
How are you feeling? Hmm, misunderstood.
You and I, boss, we feel too much.
We should be like your friend Whore, made of stone.
Hey, I had a sexual low point last night.
I think you will enjoy mocking me for it for years.
Ugh, I have no right to mock anybody.
Why, what's up with the intern? I don't know.
He's cute and attentive, and he made breakfast this morning and did the dishes.
And not just the breakfast dishes either.
Like, the really old, gross ones too.
You think there's any chance you like him just because he dotes on you and, like, Brett never texted? No, it's just that maybe I found a guy Boy.
Boy, who cares about me.
I mean, you know, somebody who's not gonna make me feel bad if I don't know how to play bocce ball at some stupid hipster party.
I mean, so what if he's not "totally cool" or of drinking age.
You know, in ten years, when you're smearing placenta all over your laugh lines, he'll be smooth like a baby.
[Phone chimes.]
Hey! Hang on a second, who do you want this to be from? Brett or the intern? [Groans.]
Ugh! Who was it, man or child? Phone company.
Her bill's due.
[Sighs.]
I was rooting for the child.
Hey, babe? In here.
Hey, sorry, I got stuck in a class.
But tomorrow morning, I'm going back to the bed store and I'm burning it to the ground.
I made a decision.
I went to Macy's.
- But how much did you p - A lot.
But you know what, I made my little pros and cons list, and this actually makes sense.
A cheap mattress lasts a few years.
We need an expensive one because we're gonna be sleeping on it together for a long, long time.
Did you break it in already, or did you wait for me? Waited You had two more minutes.
How do you drink this? It tastes like hot mud.
Kent, I don't wanna embarrass you, but I know that you're falling in love with me.
And it's adorable.
But this isn't gonna work.
Oh, God, this is hard.
What, um, are those? Uh, I was Listening to your advice.
You know, if you think I should see other people, you know, I trust you.
And, so I'm just getting this party started.
I thought I was the only fish in the sea.
You are the only fish so far But if you're swimming away, I don't wanna stop having sex.
Sex is good.
I like sex.
And I wanna do it with other fish.
Like an exotic fish or maybe like a really big fish.
Okay, glad you, uh, get it then.
See you on the flip flop.
We can still get together, though, right? Like friends plus What? No, Kent.
Jesus, no Make me coffee, intern! [Laughs.]
You want a regular or a decaf? Bring it to my desk.
The weirdest part was she was all like, "do whatever you want to me.
" And I was doing pretty much everything.
So what does it even mean when a girl says that? Butt stuff.
I'm guessing.
- So what's next, Jay? - [Silent.]
Butt stuff.
Missing pants poster? Maybe get a dog to sniff you and follow the scent? [Laughs.]
Yeah, no, nothing's next.
I'm not a freak like the bartender girl.
Look, guys, I tried, I failed.
I had sex with a girl who Tibetan throat-sang her ex's name.
I think I've done all I can.
I think it's great you put yourself out there.
You know, you're like an older more broken version of the intern.
Yeah, still do want my pants back, though.
Well, in the meantime, here's to us both moving on.
I texted Brett.
Whatever, shut up.
Aloha Also means good-bye.
- Hey! - Whoa, nice timing.
So we're really doing this, huh? I guess so.
I mean, I met her there last Tuesday and it's Tuesday, so So maybe we'll see her.
More importantly, maybe you'll get your little man-pants back, Jay.
Ha ha, I doubt it.
But look, you know, at least I'll have tried.
And then I can start plan B: Becoming religious and finding a nice girl via arranged marriage.
Eh, I don't know.
Religious girls aren't really into personal grooming.
I had gym with Tikva Rubenstein.
Huge bush.
Ew.
[Car horn.]
What the hell? Whoa, sweet ride, dick.
Come on, let's do this.
I'm here to support you.
Because, you know, you're fat, and it's hard for you to meet girls.
[Bar chatter.]
Well, she's not here.
On the bright side, you have to buy the first round since now I'll never love again.
Don't joke it off, Jay.
Joke it off.
That sounds dirty, like something a naughty clown would do.
Come on, are you okay? Yeah, it's just we had this amazing night, and then she fake-numbered me.
Stupid, I know, but I keep wondering, did I do something wrong? No, nobody ever figures out what they did wrong.
You know, very few people have perspective like that.
And those that do are usually really into jam bands.
I should be writing these pearls down.
- Hey.
- Oh, look super-couple's here.
- Hey! - So? to have sex with a mannequin.
You should go be that mannequin.
- Shut up, Eric.
- Nice.
What's up, late night plans? No, I'm just expecting a text from Brett.
I mean, usually a few days after we fight, he sends me a dumb text Picture of a cat with a mustache or whatever.
It's been over a week.
It doesn't matter, I mean, it's done.
Whatever.
Maybe be mature and text him? Uh, no.
No way I'm texting him.
Yeah, well at least you could contact Brett.
I can't even find Jane.
I mean, it's a total hail Mary, but I could post on missed connections.
[Gasps.]
What do we have so far? Sorry, I was just looking at this sex ad.
"B.
B.
W.
Seeks M.
A.
B.
"? Whatever that is.
Male adult baby.
Do not Google it.
What? I get bored at work.
Okay, so I have "you, Jane, me Guy whose pants you borrowed.
" No, lose the Tarzan start.
"The number you left was actually thai food.
"Great thai, so thanks.
But let's meet up again.
I have other clothing items that might fit you.
" I don't know, is it funny enough? Let me see.
- [Gasps.]
- Posted.
What the hell? I was gonna put something ironic in there.
[Laughter.]
So my weekend was bizonkers.
I drank so much I almost went blind.
And I went to this place called toast.
All they serve is toast.
It's super-carby.
Ugh, and then, like, kev is now stalking me on I.
M.
It's like, it was just a beej, let it go.
Anyway, you? You ever hear from what's-his-butt? No, not yet.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
I'm Kent.
I intern here.
Hi, intern Kent.
Hey, I was wondering if you could do me, like, a huge favor.
I need to make coffee for Maya's meeting, and I have zero idea how to use that thing.
I'm more of a tea guy.
- Butch.
- Yeah, I know.
Uh, but could you help me? Dyl, can you? I'm uploading.
Can't.
I'm in the middle of an epic I.
M.
War over here.
[Sighs.]
Okay, it's pretty straightforward.
Step one, put in coffee.
Step two, put in water.
Step three, push button.
Soon, coffee.
Thank you.
I grew up in the city, so mechanical objects usually require the super.
What do you do when you run out of ice, call 911? Uh, I've been making my own ice since I was 16.
[Sighs.]
Good luck with the caffeine crowd.
[Silent.]
I know we're into keeping it local, but this place is deeply sketchy.
Why didn't we just go to Macy's? We're on a budget, remember? Yeah, you know what, you always do this.
You seize control like a sexy-ass dictator.
[Laughs.]
You know you can be bad at decisions, er.
You make your famous pros and cons lists and ooh.
This is pretty comfy, right? - It's fine, but - Can I help you? Yes, we'd like this bed.
But only if you do free delivery.
For cash? Uh, sure.
- No, I just think that - This is a bargain, er.
Plus we'll be done.
We can just go home and You know.
[Whispers.]
Break it in.
Just trust me, 'kay? Okay.
Uh, yeah, sure.
We'll take it.
Jay.
I was worried something might have happened.
- I know, I'm sorry I'm late.
- I'm kidding.
I wasn't worried.
[Laughs.]
The only time I remember you even exist is when I can see you.
Oh, you exist! Hi.
Thanks, JB.
Oh, God, I love moms.
Especially single moms.
You go over there and get a decent free meal.
By 8:00, the kids have gone down and then their mama goes down.
Oh, look at that one.
She's got that sweet mound to rub.
Nature's miracle.
You have a lot to teach me.
I'd totally hump that bump.
[Phone chimes.]
Lame, I know.
Hr had me make a phone tree.
You know, in case of terrorist attacks, so I got your number.
And you're getting school credit for that? Yeah, but I don't feel like I'm learning anything.
I'd love to pick your brain about how this place works.
And thank you for before.
Can I buy you a drink after work? I've only been here for, like, less than a year.
Sara knows way more than I do.
Yeah, I don't really know her, though.
And you already kinda schooled me on the coffee.
So you're kinda my mentor.
And my last mentor, Mr.
Varga, is in jail for a touch-related incident.
So I'm kinda counting on you.
Uh, sure, if it's early.
And like, two blocks from here.
Okay, great, awesome, okay.
[Whispers.]
Yes! - Oh! - Oh, say it, say I was right! You were right.
Profoundly right.
Harder.
Sorry, harder always sounds dumb.
Also, harder's a little emasculating.
Like I can't do it hard enough.
No, you're doing great.
Don't stop.
Don't stop's kind of insulting.
Am I so out of shape that I might stop? Okay, don't ruin new mattress sex.
So, what did you want to know about online fashion discounts? Honestly, nothing.
I just think you're cool and pretty, and I really wanted to hang out with you.
Wow.
That's really straightforward of you.
Yeah, I've been told I'm a bit of a romantic.
It's not like I own the notebook on DVD or anything.
But I do think that it's a really, really good movie.
Yeah, I can't watch that movie around other people.
I ugly cry.
[Chuckles.]
- Y-you keep checking your phone.
Are you live tweeting this? Intern likes me, hashtag: Omfg, or whatever? Oh, it's just this guy who should be texting me but isn't.
What guy wouldn't text you? I know.
Unfathomable.
[Phone chimes.]
You're a total cornball.
AndWhenever you're ready.
Gouda's good.
But cheddar's better.
[Phone vibrates.]
When my mom makes grilled cheese sandwiches, she uses only the best cheese.
Holy crap! Jane.
- Come on, dude! - Oh That was pure [Bleep.]
gold! I know, I'm sorry.
Just go again.
Gouda's good, but cheddar's better.
When my mom makes grilled cheese sandwiches [Sighs.]
That was awesome.
[Chuckles.]
Now I see what everyone is talking about.
What are What are you talking about? I mean, before lots.
But nothing like that, though.
Ain't nothing like the real thing.
That song is so true, you know - W-wa-wait, wait.
What are you saying? UhDon't freak out.
I'm a virgin.
Was [Whispers.]
A virgin.
See, boss.
Look.
Her ass? Hard like young boy's.
But her breasts? Soft like baby's head.
That's an interesting analogy.
Are you recording? I record everything.
[Door bell jingles.]
Iced coffee.
My soul hurts.
Where have you been? I texted you like eight times last night.
Jane responded to my craigslist ad.
Oh, Jay, that's crazy.
I know.
I cannot believe it worked.
I'm meeting her tonight.
Oh, I also have some news.
I devirginized an intern.
I don't know how you just managed to steal my thunder, but you did.
You take man's virginity? No, I didn't take anything, okay? It was given to me, surprisingly forcefully for a dude who's only had sex with his hands before.
You know he'll never forget you.
Oh, God, don't joke.
He's very sweet.
I don't wanna, like, hurt him.
He's not a girl in a vampire movie.
Guys don't fall in love from sex.
Says a guy who had sex with a girl in his fridge and probably has spent the last hour debating which shirt to wear on his big date tonight.
This one's cool, right? Not a problem.
Taking man's virginity is great honor.
Taking woman's is responsibility.
You must write her father a thank-you note.
Or buy him DVD.
So, like, how do I play it tonight? Like nothing happened? What, is that Brett? No Just be yourself.
You know, it'll be a little awkward.
You'll have some drinks.
And before you know it, you'll be back at your place, gently humping in your toaster.
Just hide your clothes if she sleeps over.
'Kay, I gotta run, wish me luck.
- I wish you sex.
- Hey, whore fairy.
Make sex wish for me also.
[Workout music.]
Ugh! Oh, God! Eric.
'Sup, baby? - Get off the mattress.
- What are you talking about? It came off the street.
What? We made love on a trash bag.
Made the ice cubes myself.
Bought the cookie.
You look cute today.
See, this is why it's good to think things through.
But if you just contemplate all day long, you never get anything done.
[Phone vibrates.]
Just let me win this argument, babe.
Hey, ugh, hang on.
- Oh, really, right now? - Hang on.
Hey.
I have a situation.
Can you talk? I need lady perspective.
What's up? Did you hear from Brett? You should just text him, teen, you know you want to.
Oh, no, no, no, it's not that.
Uh, I slept with an intern, and he was a virgin and now he may love me.
Wait, what? Let's skip the part with the raised eyebrows and judging and get to the part where you help me, okay? This thing's touching my face, babe.
All right, here's the situation.
You have aBaby monkey.
But you're human and it's not right for you to keep him.
You need to take the baby monkey back to the jungle.
I think I know what you're talking about.
But what the hell are you talking about? I don't know, I'm getting ringworm right now.
Let me call you later.
[Sighs.]
Hey, hey! We want our money back.
I saw how you get your inventory.
This came off the street.
All sales are final.
Store policy.
Come on.
Besides, you make love on this, right? What? Look.
There are love juices.
There's no way those are all ours.
Whose are they? I can't take this back.
All sales are final.
- No, don't walk away! - All sales are final.
No, this is not over! This is not over! Animals.
Okay, this is all my fault.
I'll fix it.
Eric! [Upbeat music.]
Big date.
[Hocks loogie.]
[Overlapping chatter.]
Jane, hey.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Thought you were somebody else.
You must be Jason, right? Yeah, do we know each other? I answered your ad on missed connections.
It was so romantic.
But it wasn't for you.
We are so similar, you're searching, I'm searching.
The only thing we've never had was a missed connection.
Uh How good is the story of how we met? Am I right? Yeah, uh Oh, here, I got you this glass of wine.
Drink it.
[Silent.]
What? This places is pretty posh.
I feel like I should be wearing a brooch.
I wanted to bring you someplace nice.
About last night I'm not religious or anything.
I just had a lot of acne in High School.
So I'm sorry that I laid the virgin thing on you.
I just figured you could tell.
No, it's fine.
You did fine.
Well, I do practice a lot.
When I'm by myself.
So Kent, uh, ooh, this is hard.
Um, I know I was your first, and I know that holds a lot of meaning.
But what happened between us was just sex.
You know, sweet, lovely, but ultimately wrong drunken sex.
Not to me, it wasn't.
Trust me, it was.
I've been there.
As honored as I am to be your man-maker, I just feel like you should get out there, you know? Explore.
There are so many fish in the sea.
I mean, just look around this bar.
The only fish I see here is you.
That is very sweet and One Tree Hill of you, but I'm not so immature.
I'm 19 21 years old.
I did a semester abroad in Hungary.
I worked summers cleaning Tommy hilfiger's pool.
You can't imagine what I skimmed out of there.
I've seen things, Tina.
Mature, adult-type things.
Seriously, I I I I like you.
Okay? Just give me a chance.
[Breathing hard.]
You only giggled once that time, so I'm guessing I did better? Yeah.
This is so nice, right? YeahNice.
I'm ready again.
Yeah, I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.
I just really wanted it to be her.
I just got out of a pretty intense thing myself with this guy, Brian.
It's a long story, but I totally get what you're going through.
Well, thanks for listening to my ridiculousness.
Of course.
So my shift is over in ten minutes.
Maybe we could go someplace else, help each other heal.
UhYeah.
Sounds good.
[Panting.]
I just want to apologize for the pathetic tip I left before.
I knew we could make each other feel better.
These help, right? Wait, hang on.
Put this on, okay? Sure - Yeah.
- Yeah? Nice.
Just like old times, Brian.
It's Jason, actually.
I'm sorry to correct you.
Everything else you're doing is exactly right.
[Inhales deeply.]
Shut up, Brian.
Okay, um, what are you Feel me say your name.
[Husky voice.]
Bri, bri, bri, bri! Yeah, seems to me like you might not be over this guy Brian.
Bri! Hey, Jason.
How are you feeling? Hmm, misunderstood.
You and I, boss, we feel too much.
We should be like your friend Whore, made of stone.
Hey, I had a sexual low point last night.
I think you will enjoy mocking me for it for years.
Ugh, I have no right to mock anybody.
Why, what's up with the intern? I don't know.
He's cute and attentive, and he made breakfast this morning and did the dishes.
And not just the breakfast dishes either.
Like, the really old, gross ones too.
You think there's any chance you like him just because he dotes on you and, like, Brett never texted? No, it's just that maybe I found a guy Boy.
Boy, who cares about me.
I mean, you know, somebody who's not gonna make me feel bad if I don't know how to play bocce ball at some stupid hipster party.
I mean, so what if he's not "totally cool" or of drinking age.
You know, in ten years, when you're smearing placenta all over your laugh lines, he'll be smooth like a baby.
[Phone chimes.]
Hey! Hang on a second, who do you want this to be from? Brett or the intern? [Groans.]
Ugh! Who was it, man or child? Phone company.
Her bill's due.
[Sighs.]
I was rooting for the child.
Hey, babe? In here.
Hey, sorry, I got stuck in a class.
But tomorrow morning, I'm going back to the bed store and I'm burning it to the ground.
I made a decision.
I went to Macy's.
- But how much did you p - A lot.
But you know what, I made my little pros and cons list, and this actually makes sense.
A cheap mattress lasts a few years.
We need an expensive one because we're gonna be sleeping on it together for a long, long time.
Did you break it in already, or did you wait for me? Waited You had two more minutes.
How do you drink this? It tastes like hot mud.
Kent, I don't wanna embarrass you, but I know that you're falling in love with me.
And it's adorable.
But this isn't gonna work.
Oh, God, this is hard.
What, um, are those? Uh, I was Listening to your advice.
You know, if you think I should see other people, you know, I trust you.
And, so I'm just getting this party started.
I thought I was the only fish in the sea.
You are the only fish so far But if you're swimming away, I don't wanna stop having sex.
Sex is good.
I like sex.
And I wanna do it with other fish.
Like an exotic fish or maybe like a really big fish.
Okay, glad you, uh, get it then.
See you on the flip flop.
We can still get together, though, right? Like friends plus What? No, Kent.
Jesus, no Make me coffee, intern! [Laughs.]
You want a regular or a decaf? Bring it to my desk.
The weirdest part was she was all like, "do whatever you want to me.
" And I was doing pretty much everything.
So what does it even mean when a girl says that? Butt stuff.
I'm guessing.
- So what's next, Jay? - [Silent.]
Butt stuff.
Missing pants poster? Maybe get a dog to sniff you and follow the scent? [Laughs.]
Yeah, no, nothing's next.
I'm not a freak like the bartender girl.
Look, guys, I tried, I failed.
I had sex with a girl who Tibetan throat-sang her ex's name.
I think I've done all I can.
I think it's great you put yourself out there.
You know, you're like an older more broken version of the intern.
Yeah, still do want my pants back, though.
Well, in the meantime, here's to us both moving on.
I texted Brett.
Whatever, shut up.
Aloha Also means good-bye.