iCarly s01e02 Episode Script

Which is why I say the potato is superior to the sports bra.
And if you don't believe us, try making French fries out of a sports bra.
Okay! Next on iCarly, we're gonna talk about the doorman who works in the lobby of this building.
- His name is Lewbert.
- The meanest man alive.
We hate his guts.
And so you can hate Lewbert's guts just as much as us We asked our technical producer, Freddie Say yo to the people, Freddie.
Yo, to the people.
How you all doing out there? That's enough, Freddie.
Anyway, we've been secretly videotaping Lewbert for almost a week.
So let's take a look at some of the highlights.
- Freddie, roll the clip.
- Playback.
Okay.
And there's Lewbert sitting at his desk.
Just a nasty little man working in the lobby.
And if you look real close, you can see his wart.
Zoom in on it, Freddie.
Digital zoom.
There it is, living happily right on Lewbert's face.
I call that wart Little Lewbert.
Zoom out.
Okay, see that lady? Watch what happens.
- Out! - I just need to check my mail.
- No dogs in my lobby! - I will leave in a minute! Now! Out! You know what? I pay rent in this building.
This is not right that you are treating us like this.
He's arguing with a pomegranate.
- Pomeranian.
- Whatever.
Okay, okay, now watch Lewbert closely.
See that little kid with a balloon right next to him? - Mommy! That man ate my cookie! - You took my son's cookie? No! No way.
How dare you! - You are so cruel! - I'm cruel? You have crumbs falling all over your face and all over my face.
Security! That man took my son's cookie.
What are you going to do about it? - You see what he did? - Did you see that? As you can see, Lewbert's a bad person.
which we call, - "Messin' with Lewbert.
" - "Messin' with Lewbert.
" - And there's Lewbert, live.
- I'll dial the lobby downstairs.
Main lobby.
And that concludes this segment of - "Messin' with Lewbert.
" - "Messin' with Lewbert.
" Who is this? What up, my peeps? Wow, that greeting was uncool in so many ways.
Yeah? Well, uncool is the new cool.
Wow, that comeback was uncool in so many ways.
- All right, you know what, Sam? - What, Freddie? - Why don't you tell me what.
- I am a human being.
- You're a human being? - I deserve respect! - You deserve a brain.
- At least I have a brain! No, you don't have a brain.
You have nose hairs - What'd you just do? - What was that? See, when you have a cat, that's how you get them to stop misbehaving.
You just spritz them with some water.
- Well, you can't do that to us.
- We're not cats.
Yeah, just put your little bottle Spencer! Dinner time! You guys staying for dinner? - Yeah, I got no place to go.
- Sure.
I'm here.
One sec.
- So, what's for dinner? - We're having my special spaghetti.
Nice-looking meatballs.
Hey, your guys' web show was pretty awesome tonight.
I loved how you guys zoomed in on Lewbert's big old wart.
I wonder what'd happen if you squeezed that thing.
You think some kind of Lewberty goo would squirt out of it? I just wish we could get more people watching the show.
The same number of people watched iCarly this week as last week.
That's the problem.
Our show's getting better and better, so more people should be watching it.
Why do you guys care how many people are watching? Why do we care? You're an artist.
When you create a new sculpture, do you want two people to see it or do you want two million people to see it? Two million.
So, ideas? Yeah.
Your spaghetti could use more garlic.
I think Carly's spaghetti is great.
Then why don't you put some down your pants.
Because maybe I don't want to put pasta down my pants! Maybe you should try All right, look.
We all know that making a good show is important.
And so is getting more people to watch.
So, what if we each come up with a cool way - to get more people to watch.
- Yeah.
And then we show our ideas to the iCarly audience.
And we let them vote on who came up with the best idea? Right, like a contest.
That way we do a good show and get more viewers.
- I'm on Carly's team.
- Teams? She said "each.
" And why do you get to be on Carly's team? 'Cause "each" sounds like a lot of work.
Relax, buddy.
I'll be on your team.
- Seriously? - Yeah, I got time.
- You're not still dating that girl? - She only liked me for my socks.
- That's weird.
- Is it? - Well, okay then.
We're partners.
- Partners! Perfect.
So it's me and Sam versus Freddie and Spencer.
Team with the best idea to get more viewers wins.
Okay.
But I think the team that loses should have some penalty.
Hasn't life already penalized you enough? - That's for being mean.
- It was worth it.
All right, come on.
What should the losers have to do? I'm gonna say, losing team has to touch Lewbert's wart.
Yeah! I mean Hey, Freddie.
Man! - What are you doing? - Bleeding.
- Why are you here? - We are gonna win the contest.
I came up with an insanely awesome way to get more people watching your guys' webcast.
- Tell me.
- We get a bunch of fireworks, right? And not the lightweight consumer-grade stuff.
I'm talking Fourth of July razzle-dazzle.
- Razzle-dazzle? - Yes, both.
Then, at night, we launch the fireworks off the roof of our building, and they explode spelling out "iCarly.
Com" in the sky.
- Can we really do that? - No.
So I came up with something else.
A sign.
- A sign? - A big sign.
One that lights up all different colours and says, - "Please go online to iCarly.
Com.
" - Yeah, yeah, that's good.
We should hang it someplace like Like over a really busy highway.
Thousands of people will see it when they drive by.
You are a tiny genius.
Well, well.
Look what the janitor swept up.
Spencer Shay.
I thought I'd seen the last of you eight years ago when you graduated.
But, sadly, you're back.
Nice to see you, Ms Briggs.
Or, now that I'm older, may I call you Margaret? - You may not! - Why? My name is Francine! Now get out before I give you detention.
I'm 26.
You can't give me detention.
Then I give you detention.
- One week.
- What? - You don't scare him.
- Yes, she does.
- Get out! - No.
- Two weeks detention.
- Dude! Get out of here! No, no, no, no, wait.
I am not letting this lady Spencer Shay, you have 30 seconds to leave or else Freddie gets expelled.
Go! - I got it! I got it! - You thought of an idea for the contest? No.
You remember at lunch, that piece of corn I got stuck in my teeth? - No.
- Well, here it is! And thank you, for flicking your used corn onto my floor.
Now, give me that.
You gotta help me think of an idea.
All right.
- Right after we watch Seattle Beat.
- No.
- Please? Come on - No, we're not watching the show.
- We're watching Seattle Beat.
- No, we're not.
I'm not gonna let you.
- We're watching the show! Come on.
- No, I don't want to watch it.
Okay, fine! Okay, you may like the old drummer better, but I still say they're the best band happening in Seattle today.
And to prove it, you're gonna see 'em right here on Seattle Beat, live, coming up in less than a half hour.
Is that cool? And how about you people outside the Seattle Beat window? I got it.
I know how we're gonna get a ton more people to watch our webcast.
- Does it involve dental floss? - No, why? I think that piece of corn had a friend.
Listen! You see those people outside the window on Seattle Beat? Yeah.
You and I are gonna make a big banner.
I enjoy big banners.
And we're gonna take it down to Seattle Beat and hold it up right in front of that window for this whole city to see.
That's brilliant.
Everybody watches Seattle Beat.
- Well, say thank you.
- Why? I thought of it.
- Yeah, but I thought of watching TV.
- Let's just go make the banner.
All right, let's banner it up.
Okay, okay.
I'm coming.
I'll go.
I'll go.
I'll go upstairs.
I'm hurrying.
I'm hurrying.
I'm hurrying.
I'm going.
Hey, that's my thighs.
Hurry! It's about to rain.
I'm right behind you and it's already raining.
Come on.
Pardon me, ma'am.
I'm really sorry.
Move.
Step aside, here.
We're from the Internet.
- We just need to get through right now.
- Sorry.
So, just move.
Yeah.
- Hold it up high! - Let's spread the word, baby.
Move! We're from the Internet.
Get ready, Seattle! And if you like what you just heard, you can catch that band live at The Showbox next weekend.
That sign is messed up.
We're gonna have to touch Lewbert's wart.
Okay, I got the ground wire attached.
Let's see if we got a hot circuit.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Why no? Seven times? 'Cause you're a child, and this is high-voltage stuff, and you're not even wearing safety goggles.
See, you gotta be extra careful when you're And that is why we wear safety goggles.
Hey.
- Do I smell barbecue? - No, that's my burning flesh.
- What's that? - Soggy banner.
Our plans to get more viewers didn't go too well.
Yeah, like how the Titanic staying afloat didn't go too well.
Come on, maybe a few people read our sign.
Before the rain ruined all our hard work and made us sad.
Yeah.
We could still win.
Yeah, I don't think so.
I think me and Spencer are gonna win, and you two are gonna have to touch Lewbert's wart.
I feel bad for you, Carly.
Not for you.
- Sore loser.
- You haven't won yet.
What are you guys planning to do? You'll find out.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a contest to win.
No offence, Carly.
Come on, let's go dry off.
Remember, iCarly goes live in three hours.
- We'll be ready.
- To win.
Still no offence, Carly.
All right, kid.
Help me get this puppy down to the lobby.
Okay, but then I gotta come back up here and help get ready for the show.
I understand.
- Who's that? - It's my buddy with the truck.
Hey, you downstairs? Okay, we'll bring it downstairs, then me and you can load it on the back of your truck.
Okay, down in five.
Now let's get this sign on the road.
Freddie? - Yo, Fred-o? - Help me.
Okay, on our last webcast, Sam and I told you to go to iCarly.
Com and click that feedback button.
And man, you people clicked on that sucker like it was your job.
So first, we wanna say thanks.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
And second, we wanna show you a video clip sent in by three iCarly viewers from Denver, Colorado.
Freddie, play that clip.
- Some people might say please.
- Yeah.
I didn't.
Playback.
Hey, Carly and Sam.
We love your guys' web show.
- Love it! - Yeah! Okay, okay, good.
We got an important question for you.
Can you drink spaghetti and meatballs? - Spaghetti and meatballs! - Spaghetti and meatballs! Okay, we have no idea why that guy in the middle was wearing a bunny suit.
But it did get our attention.
And so did the question, "Can you drink spaghetti and meatballs?" We gonna find out.
Okay, we invited the little boy who lives two floors down to come up here and be our little tester.
So, get out here, Emmett! - This is Emmett.
He doesn't talk much.
- Isn't that right? See? Luckily, Emmett will eat or drink anything.
Seriously! One time Sam dropped a quarter.
Emmett ate it.
I got it back three days later.
Okay, Emmett.
We wanna know.
Can you drink spaghetti and meatballs? So first, we take this spaghetti.
And the meatballs.
You gotta love spherical meat.
We put it in the blender.
- There we go.
- Ready? And press frappé.
- You ready, kid? - Go for it.
- And there you have it.
- You can drink spaghetti and meatballs.
Now get out of here, Emmett.
You creep me out.
Yes, you can have the rest.
Okay, now, we're gonna do something we've never done before.
Tell us what it is, Carly.
We thought it'd be fun to have a contest.
Me and Carly against our technical producer, Freddie.
Who teamed up with my older brother, Spencer.
To see which team could come up with the best idea to get more people to watch iCarly.
Sadly, our plan didn't go too great.
Check it out.
And if you like what you just heard, you can catch that band at The Showbox next weekend.
So be sure That sign is messed up.
Okay, obviously, that sign won't be getting us any more viewers.
Our project failed.
But luckily, we weren't the only ones with a plan this week.
So let's go to my brother, Spencer, live on a remote camera to tell us about his and Freddie's idea.
Okay, going to Spencer, live.
Hey, Spencer, how's it going out there? What's up, Spence? - Spencer? - Hello? - Put the taco down.
- Are you there? - Can he hear us? - Yeah, he should be able to.
- Try now.
- Hey, Spencer! Hey, Carly, Sam.
You guys owe me half a taco.
Yeah.
So tell us what you're planning to do out there.
Well, I'm currently standing by the interstate near the Lumford on-ramp in downtown Seattle.
Now, as you can see, there are literally many cars.
I'll show you.
Literally many cars passing by every minute.
Which makes this the perfect place to hang a gigantic, luminescent sign.
Like this! Behold the sign! Are you beholding it? We're beholding it.
And since we're good sports, I have to say that sign does deserve a Good job, Spencer.
You too, Freddie.
Thank you, Carly.
In your face, Sam.
Carly, Sam.
You cannot understand how awesome this sign looks from out here.
It is so dazzlingly bright, I swear, it's like What's going on out there, Spencer? Well, it seems our sign is so bright and dazzling, it distracted one of the drivers below.
Actually, two of the drivers Three of the Literally many of the drivers below are being distracted by our extremely dazzling sign.
Quick! Turn it off! - Turn it off! - Okay.
I will now turn off the sign.
- That's not "off!" - Spencer! - Dude! - Man.
I am pressing the buttons, literally all of them, trying to turn off the sign.
You're gonna overload the circuits! - "Pee on Carl"? - Turn that off! I'm trying! If the stupid cars would just Don't look at the sign! Stop beholding the sign! I stepped on my taco.
Wait, wait, and read this one.
- Insane.
- Unbelievable.
- I know, can you believe this? - I said unbelievable.
I'm sorry, I thought you said you were doofy and annoying.
All right, one more comment like that Try not to kill each other while I get the door.
- He belong to you? - Yes, sir.
He's my brother.
Thank you, Officer.
Do you have any lotion? No! Now, I'm letting you off with a warning.
But next time you cause one of the worst traffic jams in Seattle history, you will get arrested.
I think that sounds fair.
What were you thinking? Putting up a sign telling people to pee on Carl? It was a terrible mistake, Officer Carl.
Well, that was And just so you know, I did have lotion.
Cucumber melon.
- That was weird.
- Yeah, that was weird.
- Yeah, that was not right.
- That was messed up.
Anyway, sorry I kind of ruined your webcast tonight.
- You didn't.
- Come here.
What? We were just reading the comment boards.
Listen to this one.
"The spaghetti in the blender made me LOL.
But I swear, "when your brother's banner said, 'Pee on Carl,' "I almost peed myself.
" Now read the one below it, about Seattle Beat.
Yeah, here.
"Carly, loved seeing you and Sam on Seattle Beat.
"Sorry about the wet banner, but that was hilarious.
"I'm gonna forward that clip to every kid in my school.
Rock on, iCarly!" Sweet.
How many comments like that? - Tons.
- People are linking to us.
- Telling their friends.
- Okay, so wait, wait, wait.
We all failed miserably trying to get you guys more viewers for iCarly.
And yet it is precisely those miserable failures that are getting you guys more viewers for iCarly.
- Right.
- Yeah, that's it.
Insanity.
- Hey, we almost forgot the best part.
- Yeah? - What? - Since all of us pretty much lost the contest, none of us have to touch Lewbert's wart.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
Well then I say, let's go get us some low-fat cheese-less vegetarian pizza! - And some cucumber melon lotion? - Please! Hey guys, I love iCarly.
Now watch me pick my nose with my toes.