Ideal (2005) s01e02 Episode Script

Well, that's where they're gettin' in.
- That should be nailed down.
- Usually is.
They'll be coming up from that old biddy's downstairs.
You know what? Revolts me how some people live.
What, Mrs Coneybear? You're kidding.
That place is spotless.
Even the rubbish bin's got a doily under it.
What a waste! She's been eaten right out.
- I could take it, if you like.
- You're all right.
Nowhave you got any kiddies in the house? - What are you? Pied Piper? - No.
- I don't believe in 'em.
- You see, kiddies and poison don't mix.
That's a lesson you learn only once or twice.
If you'd seen half the things I'd seen you'd puke yourself stiff.
I've seen restaurants swimming with roaches.
Food full of lice.
I've seen a defrosted chicken move across a floor 'cause of the maggots writhing inside it.
'Ey! 'Ave a look at this.
Eh? Look at that.
That were a bad 'un.
Have you seen that? Bubonic plague? I've shat it! - Now, can I use yer toilet? - No! It's out of order.
- (PC) All right, Moz? - Listen.
I need you to do me a delivery ofcorned beef.
What? I need some corned beef.
- What you on about? - Corned beef.
Hash.
- Eh? - Hash! Hash! I need some hash! Marijuana! Dope! Brain mud! - I'm tryin' to be subtle.
- I gave you a load of skunk yesterday.
- Did you go to bed and leave the bong running? - A bloke nicked it off us.
- Eh? Who? - The one you nicked it from in the first place.
Now, look.
I'm trying to run a business here.
If a tinker runs out of pots and pans, then he's just a mad bloke with bells on his feet! D'you see what I'm saying? Listen to me feet! - Are you trippin'? - No.
But I am THIS far away from opening up a bring-and-buy sale! 'Ey? (MAKES KISSING SOUNDS) All right, Moz? Just come to score.
'Aven't we? You're a quick smoker.
I only sold you an eighth yesterday.
I lost it, didn't I? Looking for it for hours.
He were asleep the whole time.
I couldn't wake 'im.
I'm actually waiting on a delivery meself.
- Is Nicki in? - No.
I'll just have a coffee, then.
Yeah, go on, then.
(BABY GURGLES) All right.
Hello! - Is this one of them Tomy puzzle boxes? - No.
- It's rat poison.
- Ahh.
I think we'd better put you next door.
Come on.
Now, you sit here while we get us coffees.
Look! Here's yer Famous Five book! Yeah.
Yes! Do you ever think YOU might hear the patter of tiny feet? Yeah, course.
We've got rats.
Well, have you ever thought about kids? How irritatin' they are.
Only bundle of joy in this house goes straight in this bong.
You could adopt.
They're a bargain, are adopted kids.
First few months are the most expensive, aren't they? - So the later you adopt, the cheaper they are.
- Aye But if I adopted one after the school year started, I wouldn't have to buy him a uniform, would I? - Ooh, I hadn't thought of that.
- Better still, adopt a kid before he turns 18 then encourage him to leave home.
I'd be quids in.
Yeah.
You can get African ones for a quid a month.
Problem with childminding is, you're on duty 24? hours a day.
Thing is, Jen, you make it look so easy.
I suppose, after a while, you just develop a sixth sense.
Good coffee.
- It's only Asda.
- Can I see the jar? Where's the label? - Picked it off sometime.
- What'd it look like? It said''Coffee''.
Gonna look out for this.
That's Nicki's tape.
Ten episodes of ''Changing Rooms'' gone for a burton.
- Where's the baby? - Eh? I thought I left 'im in here.
Wait Did I definitely have 'im with me when I arrived? Well, he must've been here.
Left his Famous Five book.
Couldn't have got far without his buggy, could he? Better phone the police.
- You better not! - It's the procedure.
What do you mean, the procedure? - Has this happened before? - Nnot with this baby.
(BABY GURGLES) - There you go.
Ba-by.
- Aww.
.
! Right, then.
Créche closed.
All right, fella? Fancy some corned beef? I'd given up hope.
Thought I were gonna have to find alternative employment.
- I've been dusting down me P45.
- What else could you do? Porn starif I could find an opening.
There you go.
Old Lebanese? Is that it? It's crumbling away! Saw this on ''Antiques Roadshow'', didn't I? It was short notice.
On a shelf, at the station.
Didn't have a ''smoke by'' date on it.
I've got a reputation to think of.
Stop busting kiddies' parties and get some proper gear.
Be grateful! It's costing you nowt.
Don't lose this lot, neither.
I didn't lose the last lot, did I? I were robbed.
At screwdriver point! - Wouldn't laugh if I 'ad a chalk outline.
- I checked that bloke out.
Paul Nevin.
He's got some serious previous, him.
Psycho Paul, they call him.
You wanna watch who you're arresting.
Some of 'em are criminals.
- 'Ey.
It's a stressful job, this.
- Don't talk to me about stressful.
Another dealer, two streets away, that's stressful.
I'll be smokin' all me own gear to unwind.
- (BURPS) - Bust 'im again! In a bit.
Best be off.
Showin' a bunch of snotty-nosed kids round the station this after.
- School trip? - New recruits.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) - You don't fancy hidin' in the bog, do ya? - Eh? It's gonna be somebody wanting to buy 'ash, innit? It i'nt exactly good for business if you're here.
- Mozit's me.
- Oh, it's Kuldip.
Bloody King Gob! If he sees you here, it'll be on Teletext by tonight! - Get in the bog! - Aye, go on, then.
(WHISPERS) Crouch down, come on! Go on, go on, just get in! - Kuldip.
All right, fella? - There's a police car parked across the road.
Yeh.
I've rang for it to be towed away.
(MOZ) Right, then.
In you go.
- Just need to use yer lav.
- I wouldn't if I were you.
Give it five minutes.
It's like a World War One trench in there.
Mustard gas, rats.
Mad blokes writing poetry.
Are you trippin'? Stink don't bother me, man.
Born without a sense of smell.
Remember? It's like Diarrhoea Ground Zero.
I've a mouse-hole you can pee into.
You'd be doing us a favour! (POLICE RADIO ) Repeat, armed robbery in progress at Poundstretcher on Webb Street.
All right, in a bit.
In a bit.
I'm currently involved in a 10-99.
You jammy bastard.
- Leb? That it? - What d'you mean? - It's a lady's smoke.
- It's fashionable now, is Leb.
- Do you not watch ''Newsnight''? - Know that bloke Paul? - They reckon HE deals some good gear.
- You mean Psycho Paul? I'll tell ya about Psycho Paul.
A lad from the poly used to come here.
Scores an eighth off him.
Paul gives him wrong change.
This lad only complains, don't he? - What happened to 'im? - What happened to 'im? He's got three different postcodes now.
One for him and one for each of 'is ears.
- Serious? - He's had to give up his studies.
He can't wear his glasses.
I warned 'imbut there were no telling 'im.
There's no telling him now, either.
- Did you want this, or are you not bothered? - Go on.
- Yeah? - Hi.
I'm Craig.
Can I come in? - Who are you? - Craig.
I phoned you three times yesterday.
But it wasn't convenient.
Can you flog us some skunkweed? Keep your voice down! No! I had a bad experience yesterday, so I've decided I'm not dealing to any folk I don't know.
- I'm Craig.
Can you sell us some skunkweed? - Look, nothing personal, but piss off! - I need to get goin'! - I thought you'd gone! - Who was that? - Some weirdo - (DOOR OPENS) - Jesus.
- You all right? - Still not safe to go in there.
- Can I stick the kettle on? - Yeah.
Do the washing up, if you fancy it.
(TUTS) A hundreddifferent uses.
Well, hello, hello, hello.
Bloody hell! (STEREO: FUNKY BEATS) - I'm glad vinyl's makin' a comeback.
- Vinyl is king.
Yeah, wellCD cases are too small to skin up on, aren't they? And MiniDiscs? Jesus.
It's like tryin' to lay a carpet in a wardrobe.
'Ey.
Heard this? ''Future Elbow Fortress''.
Yeah, probably.
Gandolf Hitler? ''Never-ending Leg''? - Conical Soup.
- Yeah, I'veI've heard the name.
Mr Woman (MIMICS BRUSH ON HIGH-HAT CYMBAL) (MIMICS DRUMBEAT BADLY) Yes! Heard that.
''Mr Woman''.
Yeah, it's great.
Ah, but have you heard the Multistorey Karma remix? - No.
- I've rinsed it.
- Don't that damage it? - No! I've played it to death.
- ''Rinsed it''? - Oh, right.
Yeah.
Right.
Come on, bust a move.
'Ey, they've asked me to do another set down at Zyklon B's tonight.
- Free entry with flyer.
- I've told you, I don't do pre-club bars.
It's too loud to talk, there's not enough room to dance It's packed full of schoolkids pissed on alcopops.
I heard they converted the chillout room into a ball pit.
- Face it.
You're past it! - Just 'cause I'm not young, don't mean I'm old! Yeah.
That's what me grandad says.
I'll be there .
.
and it'll be shit! Laters.
See ya! Right, I'm off.
You wearing Nicki's perfume? No.
It's these newscented uniforms.
- Tara.
- Yeah.
- Hope you haven't got a ticket.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Is it Leb? Yeah.
It's the new skunk.
Do you not read ''Cosmo''? Mm - Linden's doing a Humanities course, aren't you? - Yeah.
Aw, i'nt he scrummy? I could eat 'im up like a little Wonka Bar.
What happened to Matt? No offence, mate.
Matt the twat? Couldn't be fucked with 'im.
Couldn't be fucked BY 'im.
Useless in bed AND he's got ginger pubes.
It were like a hairless baby mouse sleeping on copper cable.
Brian.
Information overload.
- Sono Nicki, then? - No.
It's over with Nicki.
We split up.
- She's devastated.
- Devastated? Is she? Hm (!) She were down Horses last night on karaoke, weren't she? Sad song, were it? Nilsson? ''Can't Live Without You''? No, she did, erm''Let's Get This Party Started'', er''The Only Way Is Up'', er''Happy Talk'' and, erm - The theme from ''Rentaghost''.
- Yeah.
Did that one twice.
Did she? We used to do that as a duet.
Together.
That were our tune.
Number 263, disc four.
Aww Mind, she were duetting last night, weren't she? Oh, this bloke - Was she? - Yeah.
He were another ginger-nut an' all.
WellI'm happy for 'er.
Dead happy.
Chuffed to bits.
(AMBIENT MUSIC) Cartoon Head.
Looking well.
Rat-catcher reckons this is where they're getting in and out.
Nicki's been goin' mental.
Right, you make a bong, I'll have a waz.
'Ey.
If you see a rat, whack it.
(SCRABBLING) What were that? Jesus, man! You can't just go firing into the floor! There's pipes down thereand neighbours! Think of Mrs Coneybear! She might've survived two world wars, but she's still vulnerable to bullets.
- 'Ey, you didn't hear a slumping noise, did you? - (PHONE RINGS) Hi, it's China.
- Hiya, China.
How are ya? - Good.
I thought you might've rung us.
I lost your number.
I thought you'd be round to pay for the gear.
Me and Asia are down Zyklon B's.
Fancy coming? Zyklon B's? I love Zyklon B's.
Me mate DJ's.
Does most of his rinsing down there.
I'm there all the time.
- 'Ey.
I get in for nowt! - With a flyer? - Yeah.
- See you soon, then.
Yeah.
Soon as I can find some Sellotape.
(LAUGHTER AND MUFFLED VOICES) - (CHINA) Did ya see the state of 'im? - Welcome to my world.
Welcome to the funhouse.
(GIRLS CHATTER) (WANDERING ELECTRONIC MUSIC) - You haven't got a blim I could skin up with? - No problemo.
Help yourself.
Right! Get some beers, eh? Great! Looks like an explosion at a jumble sale.
- How can people live like this? - Everyone isn't a devout trustafarian (!) You wanna be careful in places like this.
Some of these dealers are total psychos.
If your mansion house needs haunting just call Rentaghost We've got spooks and ghouls and freaks and fools at Rentaghost Why are we wasting our time in this dump? Come back to mine.
I'll play you that mix CD I was telling you about.
- Bottle of champagne, little bit of chas - Yeah, sure! - Ladies? - Champers and cocaine.
Right.
Who's up for an Asda lager? Listen, Mozwe're gonna get off 'cause Daniel's got this CD we really want to hear.
- Oh, right.
Best come with you, then, yeah? - No, erm Thanks anyway, mate.
- Cheers.
You coming, China? - No! I should go home.
I haven't even got what I owe ya.
- Well, that don't matter.
- Oh, thanks! We'll sort it out in the morning Later.
Don't go.
I'll play that album I weregonna play you.
- Which album? - You know, the one I said I'd play you.
- When? The one I was talking about before, the The one with thethe drums, the guitar solo, the Are you trippin'? No, I'm just You'll love it.
You gotta hear it.
It's on top of the - That's Moby! ''Play''.
Everybody's 'eard that.
- No.
That's not mine.
I'll just - This is it.
You ain't heard this, I bet you.
- A single.
You said an album.
Yeah, but it's got an album's worth of ideas on it.
Just sit down, get your ears out.
I'll escort you off the premises.
Goodnight, then.
Love the flat.
- Very, ermretro.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) - They've gone.
Riff-raff.
- What? Only joking.
Lovely people, both of them.
- I'm not sure about that Daniel.
- He's a total twat.
He's gone.
I'll play you this track.
Whose is the ''Elle Decoration''? It's mine.
Iget it for clothes.
Tell you what, I'll knock us another one up, eh? I don't know about you, but I'm feelin' way too straight.
- Not that I mean I'dI'd rather be gay.
- No, I know.
Ohlisten.
- # I wish I could feel - (SINGS ALONG CROAKILY) - # Everything - # Anything (SINGING ALONG) # I just wanna touch Anything Everything Anything To do with you - It's lovely.
- Innit? I've rinsed it to buggery.
- Soyou're a college girl, eh? - You ever go to college or uni? - Nah.
Said there were nowt they could teach me.
- Did they? - No, I said that.
- S'pose it were harder to get in in your day.
Oh, aye.
They'll let in any twat nowadays, won't they.
Not you.
I meanyou're well clever.
- What is it you do? - Fashion.
We learn about design.
How to recognise different fabrics.
For instanceooh, these are cotton/acrylic mix.
- Got a girlfriend? - No! So they're your knickers? No, II had a girlfriend, but she's moved out.
Been dumped.
You can 'ave them if you want.
No, I'mI'm fine, thanks.
I've been feelin' lower than a dachshund's nipple.
Justwell depressed.
That's probably why this place looks like such a tip.
Yeah, it is a bit scuzzy.
I think what I really need isa woman's touch.
- I've been cryin'.
- Aww.
I justjust wish there was some way I could make meself feel betterabout meself.
This has gone out.
Here's that bit of, erhash you wanted.
Thanks! You're a star.
And you - You're well beautiful.
- Moz, look.
You do know the only reason I'd ever sleep with you would be out of pity? Great.
What are we waiting for? - Pity's summat we can build on, innit? - I'm not sure.
- You're not really my type.
- You're not exactly my type.
- We're both making sacrifices 'ere.
- Itit feels wrong.
Yeah, but it feels so wrongit's got to be right.
- But the age difference is so great - Yeah, innit? - When I'm 70, you'll be dead.
- When you're 30, I'll be dead.
- (SCREAMS) - I didn't touch you! You can prove nowt! There's a rat! - No, itit's a pet.
- A pet? Oh, come on.
Don't let your screamin' ruin the moment.
Oh! It's Ratty! I should pop 'im back in 'is cage.
I wonder where he's put it.
Don't be afraid of Ratty.
- He's lovely.
You all right there, Ratty? - Oh, God! I HATE rats! Honestly, you've nowt to be afraid of.
He's well tame.
Ow! Shit! Ow, ow, ow! - Did it bite you? - No Yes! - Got any Dettol in your handbag? - No.
- Any medical ointment or nowt? - I've gotta go.
I'm sorry.
China, don't go! Ow (MUTTERS SAVAGELY) Justgrab the blim.
- (PURRS AND MIAOWS) - Oi! Where the bloody 'ell have you been? Nicki'll know what to do.
- (MAN) Hello, Nicki's phone.
- Hello? Who's this speaking? - (MAN) Get him outI - (WOMAN LAUGHS) - (MAN) Don't do that.
- Hello - (WOMAN GIGGLES) - Hello? Nicki?