If You See God, Tell Him (1993) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
# I was walking along # Minding my business # When out of an orange-coloured sky # Flash, bam, alakazam # Wonderful you came by # I was humming a tune # Drinking in sunshine # When out of that orange-coloured view # Flash, bam, alakazam # I got a look at you # One look and I yelled, "Timberl" #"Watch out for flying glass" # Cos the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out # I went into a spin and I started to shout # I've been hit, this is it, this is it # According to recent anthropological research, man has the greatest appetite by having sex next to a chimpanzee.
While I personally never had any desire to have sex next to a chimpanzee, I'm broadminded enough to see that within the context of a loving relationship, having a wild monkey in your bed during those intimate moments may often lead to a richer, more fulfilling physical union.
Of course, in this country, sex is now illegal, except among consenting cabinet ministers.
And that's how it should be in a free democratic society.
Because here in Britain, we are privileged to enjoy another, far more exciting alternative to sex - marriage.
When you think of it, marriage must surely be the most wonderful institution man has ever devised.
For it's so constructed, that while Dad is putting up a shelf with his new tap-action, Screwmatic power hammer, Mum can simultaneously be browning the kids' fish fingers to maximum golden crispness.
And of course, nowhere is always better illustrated than in my own personal circumstances.
The last six months have not been at all easy.
(Crash) Ever since I was rushed to hospital one Monday morning to have a small fragment of breeze block removed from the left-hand side of my brain.
What sort of mental abnormalities? Well, for a start, an increasingly limited attention span.
He'll find it impossible to concentrate on anything for longer than about 30 seconds at a time.
If only my teapot smelt like Jean's.
Her dishes always look so zippy clean too.
I wonder what her secret is.
- I don't believe this.
- Nor can nine out of ten mums.
Yet feel how gentle it is.
And so kind to my hands too.
Further grizzly tragedies were not far around the corner.
Scarce had I been discharged from intensive care, following a horrific car crash near Pevensey Bay, than my wife Josie found herself being stoned to death by a mob of drunken soccer fans during a special bargain-break holiday for two in Hamburg leaving me alone and isolated for the first time in 38 years.
Yet who said fate can sometimes be cruel? For the next moment, a wondrous saviour was to appear in the shape of my nephew Gordon and his lovely wife Muriel, who took me in when I was destitute and made their home my home, and whose love and devotion is such that they simply can't do enough to make my life as comfortable as it can possibly be.
Right! I think the fruit parer.
Yes, that should do the trick rather nicely.
You won't need this for a minute presumably? Why, where are you off to? I'm going to knife Uncle Godfrey to death before lunch.
Where is he? - In the bath.
- Right, I'll drown him.
That'll make less mess.
Uncle Godfrey, are you nearly finished in there? - (Bang on door) - Is that you, Gordon? I'll be in my bedroom.
I want a word.
Righty-ho, won't be a couple of ticks.
They're nearly done now.
Uncle Godfrey, this was my best white shirt.
I know.
I washed one half in an ordinary inferior detergent and the other half in biologically-improved Banquo.
- Why? - Because Banquo's special enzyme action banishes those difficult stains other powders can't cope with to get all your wash ten per cent whiter.
See? Must have a brain the size of a pimple.
My best white shirt.
What's he going to do next? Hack up all underpants into split-crotch panties? He's been through a lot of upset lately.
You've got to give these things time.
Where does he get it all from? Can't tell me it's the behaviour of a rational man.
Jesus! (Boys shouting) Oh, what a save! Over there! Yes! - Give us our ball back! - Yeah, give us our ball back! There we are.
Good heavens, I don't believe it! - I'm sorry? - Godfrey Spry! (Man) Deep beneath the ocean floor, it slumbers.
Mankind's mightiest life force, waiting to be summoned to action.
24 hours a day, we're there.
Bringing power and energy to your doorstep.
Warmth and comfort at the touch of a button.
Today and every day.
Hey! Hey, you! What the hell do you think you're doing? (Workmen laugh) Going somewhere exciting this morning, Uncle? Just an old friend I bumped into the other day.
- Have you seen my car keys at all? - I think they're on the hall table.
I stilly worry about you driving that rickety little three-wheeler.
It's alright, Muriel.
According to recent estimates, the chances of being horrifically crushed to death in one, by an out-of-control juggernaut filled with chemicals, are only 23 to one.
Why isn't this getting hot? I can't help that.
There was a letter went through your front door from the borough surveyor three weeks ago.
Ah, yes.
That'd be the one telling me that a troop of cavemen with earrings would be coming round this week to piss all over my lupins.
Gordon! The power's all gone off in here.
What's happening? Excuse me? (Shouts) Excuse me! (Switches off drill) I suppose that cable is meant to be sliced in two, like that, is it? God Almighty! Gordon, you'll trigger your prickly heat.
I don't know why they don't hand out chainsaws to registered epileptics - we'd all be a lot safer.
(Gushing) - What the hell's all this? - Don't worry, it'll all be gone in half an hour.
Take her out.
Half an hour?! How in the name of Christ am I supposed to get to work? Hello, Avis.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to drop off my nephew.
Oh, for me, Godfrey? 45 years! Did I really have such a crush on you all those years ago? Funny how things work out, isn't it, Avis? - Do you take milk? - I used to.
Until I discovered the smooth, silky flavour of Gibard's Blanco - coffee wouldn't be coffee without it! No.
Oh, look, I think Freddy wants his dinner.
It was so thoughtful of you to remember him.
Are you going to stay and have some lunch, Godfrey? I'd love to, Avis.
But I've got to pop into my nearest Army Recruitment Centre for full details of the career awaiting me in today's army.
Still the same old dry sense of humour, haven't you, Godfrey? Haven't changed a bit! No, Avis.
(Pneumatic drill on full throttle) (Drill chugs) (Drill restarts) (Doorbell) - Brought you a cup of coffee.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Erm, can't use your phone at all.
- Yes, yes, help yourself.
No, I'm telling you, you can't use your phone at all.
Just gone through the overhead cable.
Oh, and by the way, move your car out now while you can - cos the whole street's coming up in a minute.
Right.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Back up.
Straight back, straight back.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down a bit here.
Left hand down a bit.
Left hand down.
A little bit more, little bit of left hand down there.
Yeah.
Little bit more left hand down here, I think.
- Made it in one piece, love.
- I know.
If I'd scratched that car, my husband would throw a fit.
(Crash) Whoops-a-daisy.
Y Yes.
Yes, I know, but I really do need to talk to him.
It is a bit urgent.
Those utter bastards! I knew something like this would happen! Just wait till I get back there.
There'll be bloody hell to pay when I'm finished with them! Right! (Drill whirrs) (Whistles) Oh, God, will you stop whistling that bloody tune?! - Gordon! - Is it my imagination, Gordon? You don't seem to be in a very good mood today.
24 hours we've had of it so far.
Thanks to that freak show at the front, we've no power, no car, no hot water.
Can't even cook ourselves any breakfast.
There's still plenty of Ogren's Nutri-Nut, Gordon.
It'll be my fifth helping.
Its healthy blend of hazelnuts, rolled oats and raisins is totally natural and rich in fibre.
Yes, so are dog turds, but I wouldn't want a plate of them for breakfast.
Thank you, Gordon, at the meal table.
You see, Muriel, it really is time you switched to gas.
In kitchens up and down the country, more and more housewives are coming over to its simple cooknology.
Sheer versatility, that's the ability of gas! Yes, what I find particularly versatile about gas is the way they come round and cut off your electricity.
That makes (Sniffs) Muriel, why is Uncle Godfrey blowing his nose on a copy of The Tatler? I'm still not sure.
Tell me what you think, Muriel.
Would you wear that if someone bought it for you? "Parfum d'Eau by Gischarel.
" - Lovely.
- Yes? - Pricey too, I shouldn't wonder.
- Ah not if it's for that special someone, Muriel.
Not too pricey at all.
- Isn't anyone keeping him covered? - Don't worry, sir.
He's covered with the Kettering.
Oh, Margery, they're sensational! What are they covered with? They're covered with the Kettering.
Good grief, he's covered in bruises! No, I'm covered with the Kettering! Why risk the things that are most precious in life when we can look after them for you? At the Kettering Equitable, we'll solve your problems in a trice because we believe that caring is about sharing.
# Come to the Kettering, the caring society # Right, I think that's covered everything.
And what precisely are you saying is the damage, sir? Well, do you know, now that I see it in the light, I'm not quite so sure.
For God's sake, man, it's a complete and utter write-off! That's for us to decide, isn't it, Mr Spry? Are you in the habit of parking your car slap in the path of lumbering great bulldozers, sir? (Sighs) My wife had just moved the car onto the road because they advised her to.
I see.
When your wife drove the car onto the road, was she under the influence of drink or drugs? - What? - When Mrs Spry drove the car Yes.
She was so pissed the heroin needle was still hanging out of her vein.
Well, don't write that down! You'll find a little cooperation pays dividends, Mr Spry.
Evidence on this claim is, to say the least, rather flimsy.
Flimsy? The top of the car's been completely concertina'd in! So you say.
But how do I know the damage wasn't caused by an overloaded roof rack? Hearts of sodding granite, the lot of 'em! - Gordon, I found out who it is.
- Who who is? You know how he's been like a child with a new toy these last few days? I found a new name in his address book and got very nosy and I gave her a ring.
She sounds very sweet, Gordon.
Her name is Avis Beechwood.
She and Uncle Godfrey used to go out together years and years ago.
She's a widow now, but he's been popping round there to see her, so Round there? Round where? Round to her house in Argyle Crescent.
- Oh, brilliant.
- What? How serious is it? I mean, when is he moving in with the old biddy? Oh, God, I'd forgotten what freedom was like! He's not moving anywhere.
Is that all you can think? Uncle Godfrey, everything all right? I just wondered if I could use of the telephone.
- If I'm not interrupting anything.
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's a bit private, is it? Well, it is a little personal actually.
Okey-dokey.
Well, we'll leave you to it.
Hello? Is that the factory that makes Dermogene Woodruff skin products? - Yes.
Can I help you? - Yes.
Nanette Newman, please.
- I beg your pardon? - Can you put me through to Nanette Newman's office, please? Is this some sort of joke? No joke at all.
Tell her it's Godfrey.
- Godfrey? - Yes.
She'll know.
She wrote me a little letter a few days ago.
It was rather intimate, I don't wish to go into details.
It was to do with certain skin problems and she went me a lovely present of Cocoa-Milk Facial Toner.
Are you being serious? Incredible, isn't it? Considering we've never even met before.
But that's how love is sometimes.
I wondered if she'd like to come over for dinner and liquors tonight.
You can tell her it's perfectly safe.
I'm wearing a Gossalite Superform condom, so neither of us will die of ignorance.
(Dial tone) Hello? (Man) "Dear Mr Spry, thank you for your perfume atomiser "and bar of Kendrick's nougat, "which have been donated to a mental hospital.
"Unfortunately, as an actress, "Miss Newman is unable to enter into any correspondence "regarding Dermogene Woodruff skin products "and nor is she able to take up your offer "of a thrilling afternoon out at the London Dungeon.
"She did however wish to take this opportunity of sending you "a free sample of Dermogene anti-wrinkle moisturising lotion, "which keeps her complexion looking so young and supple.
"Yours faithfully, Leonard R Bramington" (# Soul Man) # Comin' to ya on a dusty road # Good lovin', I got a truckload # And when you get it # You got something # So don't worry # It's quite an adventure coming to the pictures after all these years.
The last time I went was to see The Sound Of Music.
I saw that film seven times.
Of course, when it comes on the telly, it's never as good, is it? # I'm a soul man # And that ain't all # Got what I got # The hard way # And I'll make it better # Each and every day # So, honey, don't you fret # Cos you ain't seen # Nothing yet # I'm a soul man # Owl # I'm a soul man # Play it, Steve # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # Dear, oh, dear.
(Gunfire) Good God, isn't anyone keeping him covered? Oh, don't worry, sir.
He's covered with the Kettering.
Oh, Margery, they're sensational! What are they covered with? They're covered with the Kettering.
# Come to the Kettering, the caring societyl # (Man) And now, MEC Cinemas are proud to bring you our feature presentation.
Godfrey, what is it? You didn't want to stay through all that stuff, did you? I booked our table for seven o'clock.
We don't want to be late.
Very nice, Godfrey.
Fresh flowers too.
You don't mind if I smoke, do you? Yes.
Even passive smoking can cause abnormalities in the unborn foetus.
Oh.
Well, I've only really taken it up again since I lost Jack.
But you're quite right, it's a nasty habit.
But when you get to our age, I think you miss the companionship.
Yes.
Avis, I know we've only been seeing each other a few weeks We go back a long way, Godfrey.
Yes.
That's why I feel I can talk to you, Avis.
I've just been thinking that Well, it's not natural really for a woman to be on her own.
- Isn't it, Godfrey? - No.
Perhaps you're not eating enough low-fat salad dressings.
- I beg your pardon? - Tell me, Avis, does it worry you when you find you can't get into last year's dresses? - Would you care to order now, sir? - Yes, please.
I'd like a tin of Rachet's New Barbecued Flavoured Spaghetti Hoops and Avis will have a Slender Bender boil-in-the-bag individual cod portion with some Farmer Ted's frozen sprouts and a slice of starch-reduced crispbread as part of a calorie-controlled diet.
Godfrey! Sir, this is a cordon bleu restaurant and if you look closely at the menu, you will see that shite is not included.
Perhaps you'd like another five minutes? Godfrey, you're embarrassing me.
What are you thinking of? I'm only thinking of you, Avis.
I just want you to look good and feel good.
I've brought a little something for you.
Oh, Godfrey! No, no, you don't put it round your neck.
You left it slide down your leg.
Look.
You see, just as I thought.
You failed the chiffon test! (Whispers) Godfrey! Ugly leg stubble can be a real embarrassment in public but it doesn't have to be any more.
If you shave your legs once a week with a Yaki-Moto Lady Razor, no one will ever know! Godfrey, why are you doing this to me? I thought you and I were Good night.
Avis, where are you going? (# Stay Young And Beautiful) # Keep young and beautiful # It's your duty to be beautiful # Keep young and beautiful # If you want to be loved # - What? - Uncle Godfrey, I'm thrilled! It's a bit sudden, but Gordon? - I'm just so happy - The loss adjuster's in hospital! - Probably having his brain lanced.
- Gordon, Uncle Godfrey has just told me the most wonderful piece of news.
I'm going to get married.
That's terrific.
You'll have so much more room in her house.
Won't have us getting under your feet all the time.
Or should I say wheels? How soon will you be leaving? I bet you can't wait.
All right, Gordon, that'll do.
- So, when is the happy event? - "Happy event," Muriel? - The wedding.
- Oh, that.
- Three weeks this Saturday.
- Three weeks? Gosh, so many things to do.
Finding a woman is the hardest part.
Yes, you're right.
That's the main thing.
And you're very lucky.
Hello? I'd like to speak to Mr Whitstable's secretary, please.
Yes, I'll hold.
Hello? I'd to speak to Mr Whitstable, please.
My name is Spry.
Gordon Spry.
Is he? New York? In spite of the fact that he told me to ring his office in London at three o'clock this afternoon.
Who? Mr Cameron? Well, put me through to him then, please? Thank you.
(Sighs) Hello? Yes, Mr Cameron? My name is Spry, Gordon Spry.
I'm ringing about my car which was inopportunity mangled to a pulp by the local gas authority in the normal course of their business.
And I had this scatterbrain notion that I could come to you for some compensation, but I was obviously living in a fool's parad Hello? Can you hear me there, or what? Yes.
I'm afraid I'm not in the office, so I don't have all the files.
The man you really want to talk to is Mr Bacon, our chief claims investigator, who unfortunately has just booked into a clinic in Beverly Hills for a course of liposuction.
And this is from Doreen and Mike.
Isn't that nice? Yes.
"Kettle" is too small a word for it.
It's a miracle of space-age technology.
You look a bit down, Uncle Godfrey.
Not having second thoughts, are you? Oh, no, Gordon, I'm not worried about the wedding.
It's just that I still haven't found anyone to marry me yet.
Well, I'm sure we could get the vicar of St John's to step in.
- He was perfect at Barry and Sue's.
- We'll make sure that's all fine.
Look, if you're going out tonight, you give her a good time, all right? Thank you, Gordon.
We are this close.
I don't want anything going wrong.
Ow! (# Soul Man) # Comin' to ya on a dusty road # Good lovin', I got a truckload # And when you get it # You got something # So don't worry # Cos I'm comin' # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # Whoal # I'm a soul man, and that ain't all # Christ, did someone step in some dog shit? # Good lovin', I got a truckload # And when you get it you got something # So don't worry # Cos I'm comin' # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man, whoal # I'm a soul man # And that ain't all # Got what I got # The hard way # And I'll make it better # Each and every day # So honey Oh! # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # So, what's it to be? Straight, French, a back-scuttle? Or maybe you'd just like some hand relief? - Is this your room then? - It's mine when I need to use it.
Can you undress yourself or do you need help? Sorry? I can manage mostly by myself.
- Other times, I usually call Muriel.
- Muriel? - She must work a different patch.
- She does a lot for me, Muriel.
Yes? What about me? Do I do anything for you? Is that a Elasticup underwired support bra? With super-stretch control panels to prevent unsightly bust sag? Come on, sir, we haven't got all night.
- What's your secret pleasure? - My secret pleasure? Oh, that.
It's wicked, but it's wonderful.
- Does it have a name? - It's an Ice Maiden's Whirly Whip.
- It's devilishly divine.
- Seriously? - We're allowed to be simple sometimes.
- Sure we are.
And there's nothing like those nuts smothered with butterscotch ice cream.
Right.
Hello, room service? Morning.
Mr Spry, it is you.
I wondered when I saw the name, "I wonder if that's the Mr Spry" Yes, Mr Gudgeon.
I'm afraid we're not quite ready.
I'm having trouble with my top plate.
I seem to be getting cutting You make an appointment for next week, we'll be a few minutes.
Goodbye.
- He's disappeared.
- What? - He's gone.
- He can't have.
He's getting married.
- You trying to give me a heart attack? - He's nowhere in the house.
- He must be at what's -her-name's.
- Avis? Have you got her number? Hello, Avis? Hello.
Sorry to trouble you on this of all days.
It's Muriel here.
I was just Muriel Spry.
Yes.
Are you all fit and well? Not too many butterflies in the tummy, I hope? What? Godfrey? Certainly not! What on earth would Godfrey be doing here with me? Well, I just thought that Well, I just thought I know, of course, it's supposed to be bad luck.
Oh, no, it's all right, Avis.
Here he is now.
Hello, Uncle! Just ringing your bride to be.
Lovely then, Avis.
Look forward to seeing you later in the church.
Church? What would I be doing going to church on a Saturday? Well, you Oh, my God.
I knew it! I bloody knew something was up.
I knew it was just all too good to be true.
Just when I starting to believe there was a god.
He's doing this to drive me into an early grave! Get a hold of yourself for God's sake! We jumped to the wrong conclusion - he's seeing someone else that we never knew about.
So try and relax and we'll probably be very pleasantly surprised.
I think you must mean Monica.
She's not here at the moment.
- She's gone out to meet a client.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, Jesus, not you again! Will you get out of my hair? I've wasted hours buggering about with you.
If you don't want it, for God's sake, stop hassling me.
Monica, wait.
Read the card.
Oh, sod off, you poxy old fart! And so I made the decision, there and then, not to get married to Monica after all.
Women are strange people.
They can sometimes be totally irrational, like Avis Good night.
completely fickle, like Nanette or prone to sudden fits of violent temper for no reason at all, like Monica on our first date.
When I took my Totally Irresistible deodorant back to say it was faulty, I found the only assistant on duty was a poor deaf and dumb girl, which only served to remind me how lucky I was, still having the use of all my organs.
As for Gordon, he never did get a penny out of his insurance company as long as he lived.
Which only goes to show how magnificently they protect their investors, so that like delicate seedlings, our savings may grow and prosper as the years go by.
Sadly, Gordon was unable to see it this way, for his eyes haven't been opened, as mine have, to the blessed joys of existence.
And yet, we've all of us only to stop and look around to see that nothing could be more pure and more perfect than the ways of mankind.
There is no heaven after death.
For heaven is here in life.
# I was walking along # Minding my business # When out of an orange-coloured sky # Flash, bam, alakazam # Wonderful you came by # I was humming a tune # Drinking in sunshine # When out of that orange-coloured view # Flash, bam, alakazam # I got a look at you # One look and I yelled "Timberl" #"Watch out for flying glass" # Cos the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out # I went into a spin and I started to shout # I've been hit, this is it, this itl # I was walking along # Minding my business # When you came and hit me in the eye # Flash, bam, alakazam # Out of an orange-coloured # Purple-striped # Pretty little polka-dot sky # Flash, bam, alakaza-aam # And goodbye #
While I personally never had any desire to have sex next to a chimpanzee, I'm broadminded enough to see that within the context of a loving relationship, having a wild monkey in your bed during those intimate moments may often lead to a richer, more fulfilling physical union.
Of course, in this country, sex is now illegal, except among consenting cabinet ministers.
And that's how it should be in a free democratic society.
Because here in Britain, we are privileged to enjoy another, far more exciting alternative to sex - marriage.
When you think of it, marriage must surely be the most wonderful institution man has ever devised.
For it's so constructed, that while Dad is putting up a shelf with his new tap-action, Screwmatic power hammer, Mum can simultaneously be browning the kids' fish fingers to maximum golden crispness.
And of course, nowhere is always better illustrated than in my own personal circumstances.
The last six months have not been at all easy.
(Crash) Ever since I was rushed to hospital one Monday morning to have a small fragment of breeze block removed from the left-hand side of my brain.
What sort of mental abnormalities? Well, for a start, an increasingly limited attention span.
He'll find it impossible to concentrate on anything for longer than about 30 seconds at a time.
If only my teapot smelt like Jean's.
Her dishes always look so zippy clean too.
I wonder what her secret is.
- I don't believe this.
- Nor can nine out of ten mums.
Yet feel how gentle it is.
And so kind to my hands too.
Further grizzly tragedies were not far around the corner.
Scarce had I been discharged from intensive care, following a horrific car crash near Pevensey Bay, than my wife Josie found herself being stoned to death by a mob of drunken soccer fans during a special bargain-break holiday for two in Hamburg leaving me alone and isolated for the first time in 38 years.
Yet who said fate can sometimes be cruel? For the next moment, a wondrous saviour was to appear in the shape of my nephew Gordon and his lovely wife Muriel, who took me in when I was destitute and made their home my home, and whose love and devotion is such that they simply can't do enough to make my life as comfortable as it can possibly be.
Right! I think the fruit parer.
Yes, that should do the trick rather nicely.
You won't need this for a minute presumably? Why, where are you off to? I'm going to knife Uncle Godfrey to death before lunch.
Where is he? - In the bath.
- Right, I'll drown him.
That'll make less mess.
Uncle Godfrey, are you nearly finished in there? - (Bang on door) - Is that you, Gordon? I'll be in my bedroom.
I want a word.
Righty-ho, won't be a couple of ticks.
They're nearly done now.
Uncle Godfrey, this was my best white shirt.
I know.
I washed one half in an ordinary inferior detergent and the other half in biologically-improved Banquo.
- Why? - Because Banquo's special enzyme action banishes those difficult stains other powders can't cope with to get all your wash ten per cent whiter.
See? Must have a brain the size of a pimple.
My best white shirt.
What's he going to do next? Hack up all underpants into split-crotch panties? He's been through a lot of upset lately.
You've got to give these things time.
Where does he get it all from? Can't tell me it's the behaviour of a rational man.
Jesus! (Boys shouting) Oh, what a save! Over there! Yes! - Give us our ball back! - Yeah, give us our ball back! There we are.
Good heavens, I don't believe it! - I'm sorry? - Godfrey Spry! (Man) Deep beneath the ocean floor, it slumbers.
Mankind's mightiest life force, waiting to be summoned to action.
24 hours a day, we're there.
Bringing power and energy to your doorstep.
Warmth and comfort at the touch of a button.
Today and every day.
Hey! Hey, you! What the hell do you think you're doing? (Workmen laugh) Going somewhere exciting this morning, Uncle? Just an old friend I bumped into the other day.
- Have you seen my car keys at all? - I think they're on the hall table.
I stilly worry about you driving that rickety little three-wheeler.
It's alright, Muriel.
According to recent estimates, the chances of being horrifically crushed to death in one, by an out-of-control juggernaut filled with chemicals, are only 23 to one.
Why isn't this getting hot? I can't help that.
There was a letter went through your front door from the borough surveyor three weeks ago.
Ah, yes.
That'd be the one telling me that a troop of cavemen with earrings would be coming round this week to piss all over my lupins.
Gordon! The power's all gone off in here.
What's happening? Excuse me? (Shouts) Excuse me! (Switches off drill) I suppose that cable is meant to be sliced in two, like that, is it? God Almighty! Gordon, you'll trigger your prickly heat.
I don't know why they don't hand out chainsaws to registered epileptics - we'd all be a lot safer.
(Gushing) - What the hell's all this? - Don't worry, it'll all be gone in half an hour.
Take her out.
Half an hour?! How in the name of Christ am I supposed to get to work? Hello, Avis.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to drop off my nephew.
Oh, for me, Godfrey? 45 years! Did I really have such a crush on you all those years ago? Funny how things work out, isn't it, Avis? - Do you take milk? - I used to.
Until I discovered the smooth, silky flavour of Gibard's Blanco - coffee wouldn't be coffee without it! No.
Oh, look, I think Freddy wants his dinner.
It was so thoughtful of you to remember him.
Are you going to stay and have some lunch, Godfrey? I'd love to, Avis.
But I've got to pop into my nearest Army Recruitment Centre for full details of the career awaiting me in today's army.
Still the same old dry sense of humour, haven't you, Godfrey? Haven't changed a bit! No, Avis.
(Pneumatic drill on full throttle) (Drill chugs) (Drill restarts) (Doorbell) - Brought you a cup of coffee.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Erm, can't use your phone at all.
- Yes, yes, help yourself.
No, I'm telling you, you can't use your phone at all.
Just gone through the overhead cable.
Oh, and by the way, move your car out now while you can - cos the whole street's coming up in a minute.
Right.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Back up.
Straight back, straight back.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down.
Left hand down a bit here.
Left hand down a bit.
Left hand down.
A little bit more, little bit of left hand down there.
Yeah.
Little bit more left hand down here, I think.
- Made it in one piece, love.
- I know.
If I'd scratched that car, my husband would throw a fit.
(Crash) Whoops-a-daisy.
Y Yes.
Yes, I know, but I really do need to talk to him.
It is a bit urgent.
Those utter bastards! I knew something like this would happen! Just wait till I get back there.
There'll be bloody hell to pay when I'm finished with them! Right! (Drill whirrs) (Whistles) Oh, God, will you stop whistling that bloody tune?! - Gordon! - Is it my imagination, Gordon? You don't seem to be in a very good mood today.
24 hours we've had of it so far.
Thanks to that freak show at the front, we've no power, no car, no hot water.
Can't even cook ourselves any breakfast.
There's still plenty of Ogren's Nutri-Nut, Gordon.
It'll be my fifth helping.
Its healthy blend of hazelnuts, rolled oats and raisins is totally natural and rich in fibre.
Yes, so are dog turds, but I wouldn't want a plate of them for breakfast.
Thank you, Gordon, at the meal table.
You see, Muriel, it really is time you switched to gas.
In kitchens up and down the country, more and more housewives are coming over to its simple cooknology.
Sheer versatility, that's the ability of gas! Yes, what I find particularly versatile about gas is the way they come round and cut off your electricity.
That makes (Sniffs) Muriel, why is Uncle Godfrey blowing his nose on a copy of The Tatler? I'm still not sure.
Tell me what you think, Muriel.
Would you wear that if someone bought it for you? "Parfum d'Eau by Gischarel.
" - Lovely.
- Yes? - Pricey too, I shouldn't wonder.
- Ah not if it's for that special someone, Muriel.
Not too pricey at all.
- Isn't anyone keeping him covered? - Don't worry, sir.
He's covered with the Kettering.
Oh, Margery, they're sensational! What are they covered with? They're covered with the Kettering.
Good grief, he's covered in bruises! No, I'm covered with the Kettering! Why risk the things that are most precious in life when we can look after them for you? At the Kettering Equitable, we'll solve your problems in a trice because we believe that caring is about sharing.
# Come to the Kettering, the caring society # Right, I think that's covered everything.
And what precisely are you saying is the damage, sir? Well, do you know, now that I see it in the light, I'm not quite so sure.
For God's sake, man, it's a complete and utter write-off! That's for us to decide, isn't it, Mr Spry? Are you in the habit of parking your car slap in the path of lumbering great bulldozers, sir? (Sighs) My wife had just moved the car onto the road because they advised her to.
I see.
When your wife drove the car onto the road, was she under the influence of drink or drugs? - What? - When Mrs Spry drove the car Yes.
She was so pissed the heroin needle was still hanging out of her vein.
Well, don't write that down! You'll find a little cooperation pays dividends, Mr Spry.
Evidence on this claim is, to say the least, rather flimsy.
Flimsy? The top of the car's been completely concertina'd in! So you say.
But how do I know the damage wasn't caused by an overloaded roof rack? Hearts of sodding granite, the lot of 'em! - Gordon, I found out who it is.
- Who who is? You know how he's been like a child with a new toy these last few days? I found a new name in his address book and got very nosy and I gave her a ring.
She sounds very sweet, Gordon.
Her name is Avis Beechwood.
She and Uncle Godfrey used to go out together years and years ago.
She's a widow now, but he's been popping round there to see her, so Round there? Round where? Round to her house in Argyle Crescent.
- Oh, brilliant.
- What? How serious is it? I mean, when is he moving in with the old biddy? Oh, God, I'd forgotten what freedom was like! He's not moving anywhere.
Is that all you can think? Uncle Godfrey, everything all right? I just wondered if I could use of the telephone.
- If I'm not interrupting anything.
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's a bit private, is it? Well, it is a little personal actually.
Okey-dokey.
Well, we'll leave you to it.
Hello? Is that the factory that makes Dermogene Woodruff skin products? - Yes.
Can I help you? - Yes.
Nanette Newman, please.
- I beg your pardon? - Can you put me through to Nanette Newman's office, please? Is this some sort of joke? No joke at all.
Tell her it's Godfrey.
- Godfrey? - Yes.
She'll know.
She wrote me a little letter a few days ago.
It was rather intimate, I don't wish to go into details.
It was to do with certain skin problems and she went me a lovely present of Cocoa-Milk Facial Toner.
Are you being serious? Incredible, isn't it? Considering we've never even met before.
But that's how love is sometimes.
I wondered if she'd like to come over for dinner and liquors tonight.
You can tell her it's perfectly safe.
I'm wearing a Gossalite Superform condom, so neither of us will die of ignorance.
(Dial tone) Hello? (Man) "Dear Mr Spry, thank you for your perfume atomiser "and bar of Kendrick's nougat, "which have been donated to a mental hospital.
"Unfortunately, as an actress, "Miss Newman is unable to enter into any correspondence "regarding Dermogene Woodruff skin products "and nor is she able to take up your offer "of a thrilling afternoon out at the London Dungeon.
"She did however wish to take this opportunity of sending you "a free sample of Dermogene anti-wrinkle moisturising lotion, "which keeps her complexion looking so young and supple.
"Yours faithfully, Leonard R Bramington" (# Soul Man) # Comin' to ya on a dusty road # Good lovin', I got a truckload # And when you get it # You got something # So don't worry # It's quite an adventure coming to the pictures after all these years.
The last time I went was to see The Sound Of Music.
I saw that film seven times.
Of course, when it comes on the telly, it's never as good, is it? # I'm a soul man # And that ain't all # Got what I got # The hard way # And I'll make it better # Each and every day # So, honey, don't you fret # Cos you ain't seen # Nothing yet # I'm a soul man # Owl # I'm a soul man # Play it, Steve # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # Dear, oh, dear.
(Gunfire) Good God, isn't anyone keeping him covered? Oh, don't worry, sir.
He's covered with the Kettering.
Oh, Margery, they're sensational! What are they covered with? They're covered with the Kettering.
# Come to the Kettering, the caring societyl # (Man) And now, MEC Cinemas are proud to bring you our feature presentation.
Godfrey, what is it? You didn't want to stay through all that stuff, did you? I booked our table for seven o'clock.
We don't want to be late.
Very nice, Godfrey.
Fresh flowers too.
You don't mind if I smoke, do you? Yes.
Even passive smoking can cause abnormalities in the unborn foetus.
Oh.
Well, I've only really taken it up again since I lost Jack.
But you're quite right, it's a nasty habit.
But when you get to our age, I think you miss the companionship.
Yes.
Avis, I know we've only been seeing each other a few weeks We go back a long way, Godfrey.
Yes.
That's why I feel I can talk to you, Avis.
I've just been thinking that Well, it's not natural really for a woman to be on her own.
- Isn't it, Godfrey? - No.
Perhaps you're not eating enough low-fat salad dressings.
- I beg your pardon? - Tell me, Avis, does it worry you when you find you can't get into last year's dresses? - Would you care to order now, sir? - Yes, please.
I'd like a tin of Rachet's New Barbecued Flavoured Spaghetti Hoops and Avis will have a Slender Bender boil-in-the-bag individual cod portion with some Farmer Ted's frozen sprouts and a slice of starch-reduced crispbread as part of a calorie-controlled diet.
Godfrey! Sir, this is a cordon bleu restaurant and if you look closely at the menu, you will see that shite is not included.
Perhaps you'd like another five minutes? Godfrey, you're embarrassing me.
What are you thinking of? I'm only thinking of you, Avis.
I just want you to look good and feel good.
I've brought a little something for you.
Oh, Godfrey! No, no, you don't put it round your neck.
You left it slide down your leg.
Look.
You see, just as I thought.
You failed the chiffon test! (Whispers) Godfrey! Ugly leg stubble can be a real embarrassment in public but it doesn't have to be any more.
If you shave your legs once a week with a Yaki-Moto Lady Razor, no one will ever know! Godfrey, why are you doing this to me? I thought you and I were Good night.
Avis, where are you going? (# Stay Young And Beautiful) # Keep young and beautiful # It's your duty to be beautiful # Keep young and beautiful # If you want to be loved # - What? - Uncle Godfrey, I'm thrilled! It's a bit sudden, but Gordon? - I'm just so happy - The loss adjuster's in hospital! - Probably having his brain lanced.
- Gordon, Uncle Godfrey has just told me the most wonderful piece of news.
I'm going to get married.
That's terrific.
You'll have so much more room in her house.
Won't have us getting under your feet all the time.
Or should I say wheels? How soon will you be leaving? I bet you can't wait.
All right, Gordon, that'll do.
- So, when is the happy event? - "Happy event," Muriel? - The wedding.
- Oh, that.
- Three weeks this Saturday.
- Three weeks? Gosh, so many things to do.
Finding a woman is the hardest part.
Yes, you're right.
That's the main thing.
And you're very lucky.
Hello? I'd like to speak to Mr Whitstable's secretary, please.
Yes, I'll hold.
Hello? I'd to speak to Mr Whitstable, please.
My name is Spry.
Gordon Spry.
Is he? New York? In spite of the fact that he told me to ring his office in London at three o'clock this afternoon.
Who? Mr Cameron? Well, put me through to him then, please? Thank you.
(Sighs) Hello? Yes, Mr Cameron? My name is Spry, Gordon Spry.
I'm ringing about my car which was inopportunity mangled to a pulp by the local gas authority in the normal course of their business.
And I had this scatterbrain notion that I could come to you for some compensation, but I was obviously living in a fool's parad Hello? Can you hear me there, or what? Yes.
I'm afraid I'm not in the office, so I don't have all the files.
The man you really want to talk to is Mr Bacon, our chief claims investigator, who unfortunately has just booked into a clinic in Beverly Hills for a course of liposuction.
And this is from Doreen and Mike.
Isn't that nice? Yes.
"Kettle" is too small a word for it.
It's a miracle of space-age technology.
You look a bit down, Uncle Godfrey.
Not having second thoughts, are you? Oh, no, Gordon, I'm not worried about the wedding.
It's just that I still haven't found anyone to marry me yet.
Well, I'm sure we could get the vicar of St John's to step in.
- He was perfect at Barry and Sue's.
- We'll make sure that's all fine.
Look, if you're going out tonight, you give her a good time, all right? Thank you, Gordon.
We are this close.
I don't want anything going wrong.
Ow! (# Soul Man) # Comin' to ya on a dusty road # Good lovin', I got a truckload # And when you get it # You got something # So don't worry # Cos I'm comin' # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # Whoal # I'm a soul man, and that ain't all # Christ, did someone step in some dog shit? # Good lovin', I got a truckload # And when you get it you got something # So don't worry # Cos I'm comin' # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man, whoal # I'm a soul man # And that ain't all # Got what I got # The hard way # And I'll make it better # Each and every day # So honey Oh! # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # I'm a soul man # So, what's it to be? Straight, French, a back-scuttle? Or maybe you'd just like some hand relief? - Is this your room then? - It's mine when I need to use it.
Can you undress yourself or do you need help? Sorry? I can manage mostly by myself.
- Other times, I usually call Muriel.
- Muriel? - She must work a different patch.
- She does a lot for me, Muriel.
Yes? What about me? Do I do anything for you? Is that a Elasticup underwired support bra? With super-stretch control panels to prevent unsightly bust sag? Come on, sir, we haven't got all night.
- What's your secret pleasure? - My secret pleasure? Oh, that.
It's wicked, but it's wonderful.
- Does it have a name? - It's an Ice Maiden's Whirly Whip.
- It's devilishly divine.
- Seriously? - We're allowed to be simple sometimes.
- Sure we are.
And there's nothing like those nuts smothered with butterscotch ice cream.
Right.
Hello, room service? Morning.
Mr Spry, it is you.
I wondered when I saw the name, "I wonder if that's the Mr Spry" Yes, Mr Gudgeon.
I'm afraid we're not quite ready.
I'm having trouble with my top plate.
I seem to be getting cutting You make an appointment for next week, we'll be a few minutes.
Goodbye.
- He's disappeared.
- What? - He's gone.
- He can't have.
He's getting married.
- You trying to give me a heart attack? - He's nowhere in the house.
- He must be at what's -her-name's.
- Avis? Have you got her number? Hello, Avis? Hello.
Sorry to trouble you on this of all days.
It's Muriel here.
I was just Muriel Spry.
Yes.
Are you all fit and well? Not too many butterflies in the tummy, I hope? What? Godfrey? Certainly not! What on earth would Godfrey be doing here with me? Well, I just thought that Well, I just thought I know, of course, it's supposed to be bad luck.
Oh, no, it's all right, Avis.
Here he is now.
Hello, Uncle! Just ringing your bride to be.
Lovely then, Avis.
Look forward to seeing you later in the church.
Church? What would I be doing going to church on a Saturday? Well, you Oh, my God.
I knew it! I bloody knew something was up.
I knew it was just all too good to be true.
Just when I starting to believe there was a god.
He's doing this to drive me into an early grave! Get a hold of yourself for God's sake! We jumped to the wrong conclusion - he's seeing someone else that we never knew about.
So try and relax and we'll probably be very pleasantly surprised.
I think you must mean Monica.
She's not here at the moment.
- She's gone out to meet a client.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, Jesus, not you again! Will you get out of my hair? I've wasted hours buggering about with you.
If you don't want it, for God's sake, stop hassling me.
Monica, wait.
Read the card.
Oh, sod off, you poxy old fart! And so I made the decision, there and then, not to get married to Monica after all.
Women are strange people.
They can sometimes be totally irrational, like Avis Good night.
completely fickle, like Nanette or prone to sudden fits of violent temper for no reason at all, like Monica on our first date.
When I took my Totally Irresistible deodorant back to say it was faulty, I found the only assistant on duty was a poor deaf and dumb girl, which only served to remind me how lucky I was, still having the use of all my organs.
As for Gordon, he never did get a penny out of his insurance company as long as he lived.
Which only goes to show how magnificently they protect their investors, so that like delicate seedlings, our savings may grow and prosper as the years go by.
Sadly, Gordon was unable to see it this way, for his eyes haven't been opened, as mine have, to the blessed joys of existence.
And yet, we've all of us only to stop and look around to see that nothing could be more pure and more perfect than the ways of mankind.
There is no heaven after death.
For heaven is here in life.
# I was walking along # Minding my business # When out of an orange-coloured sky # Flash, bam, alakazam # Wonderful you came by # I was humming a tune # Drinking in sunshine # When out of that orange-coloured view # Flash, bam, alakazam # I got a look at you # One look and I yelled "Timberl" #"Watch out for flying glass" # Cos the ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out # I went into a spin and I started to shout # I've been hit, this is it, this itl # I was walking along # Minding my business # When you came and hit me in the eye # Flash, bam, alakazam # Out of an orange-coloured # Purple-striped # Pretty little polka-dot sky # Flash, bam, alakaza-aam # And goodbye #