In Living Color (1990) s01e02 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody hereis equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thank you.
Good evening.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Welcome to In Living Color.
I wanna thank all the people who sent those wonderful letters after seeing last week's show.
I really appreciate it.
Before we get the party started.
.
.
I always got to say hello to the man who makes the butts bounce.
.
.
the king of beats, D.
J.
S.
W.
One.
And, of course, we can't forget the lovely ladies of In Living Color.
My Fly Girls.
.
.
Carrie Ann, Deidre.
.
.
Lisa, Cari and Michelle.
We got a great show for you tonight.
I want you to chill with us for about a half.
Let's get this party started right.
Do it.
You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon I want to be Vanilli.
No, you can't be Vanilli.
I am always Vanilli.
No, but you can't be Vanilli two days straight.
- Why not? - Because.
.
.
you are Germany and I'm from French.
Oh.
- Now I get it.
- [Together.]
Makes sense to me.
Milli Vanilli commercial, take one.
Hello, we are Milli.
.
.
Vanilli.
You know, lots of people don't understand the enormous success of Milli Vanilli.
And neither do we.
But we are here today to tell you that you too can be Milli Vanilli.
.
.
with lots of positive energy and our new do-it-yourself.
.
.
at-home Milli Vanilli kit.
That is right.
In just 10 minutes.
.
.
Count them.
Five, 10.
You didn't think I could do that, huh? Ten minutes, you too can look and sound just like Milli.
.
.
Vanilli.
Tell them what they get, Vanilli.
Well, for only 39.
95.
.
.
you'll get this.
Milli Vanilli hair.
Very easy to apply.
.
.
and dye it whatever color you like.
Plus you'll get this.
Milli Vanilli eyes that will give you.
.
.
[Together.]
Positive energy.
- What else? - Let's not forget our terrible accents.
You'll also get these.
That's right.
You'll listen to these cartoon characters.
.
.
Pepé Le Pew, Boris and Natasha, Elmer Fudd.
.
.
[Imitates Elmer Fudd Chuckling.]
And you are almost ready to be Milli Vanilli.
- No, but not yet.
- No, no.
First, you go out and see the latest, hottest, freshest, exciting dances.
.
.
- but don't do them.
- No, no, no.
[Together.]
Do this instead.
Now you are doing Milli Vanilli.
- So get a friend.
- Because it takes two jerks to be Milli Vanilli.
And remember.
.
.
[Singing.]
So act now because we are almost out of style.
[Announcer.]
Send 39.
95 to: Milli Vanilli,P.
O.
Box 227,Paris, California 90029.
[Announcer.]
It's The Arsenio Hall Show starring Arsenio Hall.
And here's Eddie Murphy's best friend.
.
.
and don't you forget it.
.
.
Arsenio.
.
.
Ooooo.
.
.
[Yodeling.]
Hall.
! [Audience.]
Wooh.
! Wooh.
! Wooh.
! Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Oh, boy! [Barking.]
That's my dog pound right there.
.
.
and this is my posse.
Yes.
Oh, boy.
Good evening.
[Audience.]
Wooh.
! Wooh.
! Wooh.
! Now, I couldn't begin the show without introducing a very good friend of mine.
Stopped in tonight.
We were hangin' out at the China Club last night.
A real party animal.
Won't you please give it up for my main man.
.
.
PopeJohn Paul II! Yes! Pope, strive to be number one.
Yes! Oh, we got a great show.
So, with no more delay, let's get busy! [Giggles.]
Oh, boy.
Now I'd like to introduce my first guest.
A very, very special man.
Very talented.
He's just written a book, he's in a new film.
.
.
and running for his fourth term as mayor of Washington, D.
C.
Would ya please give it up for a very good friend of mine.
.
.
Marion Barry! Let's just get right into it.
Now, you're in the press a lot lately.
You have beautiful women inviting you to hotels.
People follow you everywhere you go.
What's it like to be a sex symbol? Uh, I don't think you understand, Arsenio.
I don't consider myself a sex symbol.
I do consider myself a man who's been wrongly accused of a crime.
.
.
and I'm here tonight to clear my name.
All charges against me are false.
There's been no proof of any wrongdoin' on my part.
Hey, you, wake up! Deep, deep.
So, I haven't read it, but my people tell me you've written a book.
Uh, well, I didn't write a book.
I was booked.
.
.
On possession of an illegal substance.
But that's not the image I'd like to portray here tonight.
- I'm about the business of government.
- Yes.
- Can we talk about my reelection campaign already? - Oh, Eddie's here? I said "already," not "Eddie.
" I said "already," not "Eddie.
" Oh.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I get a little confused 'cause, you know.
.
.
Eddie is my best friend.
And to all the white people out there who don't know.
.
.
Eddie Murphy is only the biggest movie star in the world.
The black people are sitting out there, going.
.
.
"I know who Eddie Murphy is.
I see Eddie Murphy on TV.
" Say, say, say, Arsenio? [Giggles.]
Oh, boy.
So.
.
.
where will you be appearing next? Uh, well, this Friday I'll be appearing in front of the grand jury.
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! - Now, what's so funny? - Absolutely nothing.
I just like to do that after every third question.
So, I understand you're in a new film? Uh, now, wait.
No.
See, they told me.
.
.
- you weren't supposed to ask me about that.
- Ah, brother.
No disrespect to Morgan Freeman or Denzel Washington.
.
.
but, brother, I hear you are smoking.
No, I'd rather not talk about that.
.
.
Sandy, do we have a clip? - [Sandy.]
I've got it right here, Arsenio.
- Kick it! Would you let go! Man, I'm the mayor of Washington, D.
C.
! This is a setup! This is a setup! Get that camera off me! They were supposed to tell me that y'all was coming.
Hey, Leroy! Leroy, man! Call Whitney! Call.
.
.
Is Jesse in town? Call Al Sharpton, man! I'm nothin', man! I'm nothin'.
I came up here to clear my name! I'm ruined! Yes, that was so real.
I'm nobody.
I'm nothin'.
You've ruined my career.
Strive to be the best you can be.
Michael Wolff, take us home with some of that nasty, booger-nose funk.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, all the way from Detroit.
.
.
the Motor City Homeboy Choir.
- [Blowing Pipe.]
- [Humming Note.]
One, two, three, go.
[Spitting Rap.]
[Dance.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
Do what you wanna do In living color I'm standing here with the legendary Sugar Ray Leonard.
Ray, how does the show look to you so far? Well, Larry, I have to call the show pretty even.
So far, the audience has been able to take everything.
.
.
that the cast has dished out.
If we look at the tale of the videotape.
.
.
we'll see that the audience outnumbers the cast 30 to one.
Let me ask you something.
If you were in this cast's shoes right now.
.
.
what would Sugar be doing? Well, Larry, like I said.
.
.
this is a very, very, very, very, very tough audience.
And remember what they did to Frank's Place.
If I were the cast right now, I'd be going for the knockout.
Like I did against Marvin Hagler.
He scared me.
He looked like a giant Milk Dud.
I was afraid of him.
This Milk Dud had arms and was jabbing.
- Uh, Ray.
.
.
- I was jabbing back.
- [Bell Ringing.]
- Uh, Ray.
Well, we're about ready to start that fifth round.
Ladies and gentlemen, the great Sugar Ray Leonard.
- Thank you.
- Bigger words than I usually use.
[Man's Voice.]
Captain's log, stardate 14.
We're being pulled towards a hostile planet.
I'm hoping that Scotty will be able to activate the backup control systems.
God, I feel so vulnerable.
Captain, I'm picking up some strange signals.
Something about intergalactic oppressors, sir.
Captain, intruders are approaching the bridge, sir.
Who are you? I am the Minister Louis Farrakhan.
Spock.
Spock, who is he? A former calypso singer, Captain.
.
.
who later became leader of a 20th-century African-American.
.
.
religious sect known as the Nation of Islam.
Would you like to buy some incense? - Bean pie, my brother? - No, thank you.
What do you want? I've come to warn your crew.
.
.
- Warn your crew.
- Warn your crew.
Of their enslavement.
.
.
- Enslavement.
- Enslavement.
- Aboard this vessel.
- That's poppycock.
These people are perfectly free to do anything they'd like.
It is that same lie that kept Elvis the king.
That made that poor child, LaToya Jackson, think she could sing.
It is that same lie that's got white boys rapping.
.
.
and the Fat Boys acting.
Hey, mister, you can't come in here and talk to me like that.
- Uhura, get me Starfleet Command.
- Yes, Captain.
Oh, my Nubian princess! How long have you placed his calls? I watch this show every week and all I see is the back of your nappy wig.
Uhura, Starfleet, now.
Well, wait a second! He's right.
I've been sitting here for 15 years.
.
.
with this damn thing in my ear and ain't got one raise yet.
Is that all I'm good for? To be your little secretary.
.
.
or your occasional chocolate fantasy? - Shh! - You get up off your flat butt.
.
.
and get Starfleet your damn self 'cause I ain't budging.
- Preach on, brother! - Yes, sister.
Mr.
Sulu, call Scotty.
Tell him to get this man out of here.
Wait a minute, Mr.
Sulu.
Before you touch that dial, answer me this question.
.
.
Who does the laundry around here? I do.
- Mr.
Sulu.
- You call me Buddha head.
.
.
- and pie face in front of everybody.
- Well.
.
.
I've been in space all this time, and I haven't had one woman yet.
You even take the ugly ones, Captain.
My loins are about to explode.
I want to do the nasty.
- That's right.
Rise up from your oppressor! - Rise up! Mr.
Spock, my friend, we've got to do something.
Why do you say we, caucasoid? It's obvious, Captain, that Minister Farrakhan is right.
Spock, are you out of your Vulcan mind? Well, logically speaking, Captain.
.
.
I am the strongest and most intelligent person aboard this vessel.
.
.
- yet I'm only second-in-command.
- [Uhura.]
Mm-hmm.
I should be captain.
.
.
- and I'm also a better director than you.
- [Grunts.]
Can't you see? It's discrimination! - You get off my ship, buddy! - [Whirrs.]
Put your puny weapon down, Captain.
You cannot harm me.
My people have survived - Slavery! - Slavery! - Apartheid! - Apartheid! And 25 years of TheJeffersons in syndication.
Farrakhan! - Go to your room.
- [Whines.]
Oh, I love it when I do that to them.
Nubian princess, call Sylvia's Soul Food Shack.
Make reservations.
I got a taste for some blackened whitefish.
Mr.
Sulu, what are you going to have? Sylvia.
Well, all right then, my horny Asian brother.
Warp factor five.
We're going home.
Destination.
.
.
[Dance.]
In living color [Engine Starts.]
Hi, I'm Hoke Colburn.
Every morning around 7:30.
.
.
I picks up Miss Daisy and I takes her to her favorite place.
- Slow down now.
- Yes, Miss Daisy.
- Drivin' like a madman.
- See, we didn't always get along so good.
Miss Daisy don't like nobody doing nothing for her, especially no Colored.
She what they call "independent.
" The real truth is, Miss Daisy don't drive so good.
She crashed up her car, ooh, somethin' bad.
So bad that massa.
.
.
Uh, what's his name? You know, Dan Aykroyd.
He hired me to take care of her and give her some companionship.
- Now, watch where you're going.
- Yes, Miss Daisy.
- You don't drive any better than I do.
- Yes, Miss Daisy.
She not at all that bad.
Just a little lonely and wrinkled up.
But I understands her and I knows how to make her happy.
.
.
'cause I gives her just what she needs.
Now, now, now, don't muss up my dress, Hoke.
Yes, Miss Daisy.
[Announcer.]
Ridin' Miss Daisy.
Coming to a theater near you.
[Miss Daisy.]
Oh, Hoke.
!You're my best friend.
! Thank you.
On behalf of the cast, we hope you enjoyed the show tonight.
We'll see you next week.
Good night.
You can do what you wanna do In living color