Insert Name Here (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Insert Name Here, where we'll be discovering more than you thought possible about a group of people with just one thing in common - they all have the same name.
Joining me are six of my favourite people, each bearing their own unique moniker.
Please welcome Alice Roberts, Hugh Dennis and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe.
And Lucy Porter, Omid Djalili and their captain, Richard Osman! And so, the all-important question, which name will be featured tonight? Well, it's the one that is on everybody's lips, it's the name of our future king, the world's richest nerd and the name of my first pet rabbit.
Tonight's name is William.
So, tonight we'll be talking about Williams.
Just to be clear, that does include Wills, Bills, Billys, and your aim is to win as many of them as you can.
At the end of the show, the team with the most Wills gets the privilege of naming the best William of all time.
Alice, do you know any Wills? I've been racking my brains about this and I'm sure that I'm going to say no and then I'll be inundated You're going to get so many Willy texts after this! All from Richard! There was a man who I thought was called Bernie for a very long time, and it turned out he was actually called Bill, but I carried on calling him Bernie.
I'd prefer to change my own name to Bernie than have the awkwardness of trying to tell them they've got my name wrong.
I agree with Jacob.
I'm Mel, but I've been called Sue for the last 27 years! Oh, I thought you were Paul Hollywood! Do you know any, Richard? Are you familiar with any Williams, Billys? Um, funnily enough, we did a round on Pointless which was Famous Williams, and always, on any board, there is always one very easy one, just so, you know, my mum can play.
And, um And the easiest one on this board was, "Which William wrote the play Othello?" And the person who answered, who, I might add, was a student, said, "Oh, I know this one, it is "William Tell.
" Now it's time to pick a Will.
Our teams must choose a category and behind each category lurks a famous Will, which they have to win by answering a crunch question.
Josh, we're going to start off with you.
What would you like out of this lot? Um, shall we go Stratford Will? I quite like French Will, but Yeah? Well, let's go French Will, then.
You know, it's a democracy, isn't it? - What, France? - Yeah.
Well, at the time of recording! Um, we'll go French Will.
OK, you have chosen French Will.
It's the first William, star of stage, screen and tapestry, William the Conqueror.
Let's have a look at his stats.
Now, we all know him as William the Conqueror, but what did his contemporaries call him? It'll just be William, because he hadn't conquered by that point.
A lot of the kings, a lot of people from history, have spoiler alerts in their name, to be fair.
If you were a kid, just starting to learn this, you'd go, "William the Conqueror? Well, I know how this ends!" It would be useful if they had had those names in their life, like, you met Vlad the Impaler and you went, "I'm not going to stick around with you for long" For his Tinder profile! I'm going to leave that one I think I've seen Vlad the Impaler on many a Tinder profile.
What do you think? He's not the Conqueror, he's pre-Conqueror.
I know, he was called William the Bastard.
He was called William the Bastard, yes.
Do you know why? Because he was a bastard! That's another one I'd be tempted with on Tinder, William the Bastard.
You're absolutely right, referred to as The Bastard.
Especially by King Philip of France, or as William called him, Philippe le Shitstirrer.
William married the noble born Matilda of Flanders.
At four foot two inches tall, she still holds the Guinness World Record for being England's smallest queen.
Unless, of course, Lucy Just wait until I marry Prince Harry! Just to see, can I ask the two of you to stand up? I'll point out, before we do, I'm five foot ten.
I'm still I'm still going! Who needs Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito? Your husband is six foot five, right? He is, yeah, in the bedroom, it's like a ventriloquism act that's gone to a very dark place.
Do you know the first casualty of the Battle of Hastings? I reckon it was the bloke on the furthest left of the Bayeux Tapestry.
Of course, if the guy on the furthest left did the thing where he ran all the way round the back of the tapestry, he'd be furthest right as well.
That's true! The first casualty of the Battle of Hastings was William's juggler, Taillefer.
Who deserved it! He did! Basically, before the battle began, he rode to the front of the invading army and started singing On a unicycle.
# La-la-la! # He started singing a popular French ballad Probably Je T'Aime or something in that.
Just immediately killed by the English.
The English thought, "This is going to be easier than we thought!" There have been many replicas of the Bayeux Tapestry, but my favourite is by the Leek Embroidery Society, which made it in 1835, and which contains some uniquely Victorian touches.
So, it's time now to play spot the difference.
Here is a detail from the Victorian version.
And here is the original.
Oh, he's got a ginger beard in the one on the right.
Is that the juggler? Is that what he was juggling? Any other differences? I'm worried that I'm the only one seeing it.
And I'm going to say it and everyone else will go, "What the hell are you talking about?!" You might notice, the tree's a different colour JOSH: Is that what you're calling it, a tree? RICHARD: It appears to be a plum tree of some sort Any other difference? Omid, can you see any other difference there? I think the one on the right has big, fat, hairy bollocks.
Omid wins the prize.
Unbelievable! So, this is the question for the Will.
William died in 1087 after a fall from his horse.
What happened to the body at the funeral? They set fire to it and it went up like a Christmas pudding.
They didn't set fire to it It did explode, didn't it? Someone's body exploded, was it his? He did genuinely explode.
The priests tried to stuff the obese William into a stone coffin, they pushed on his abdomen slightly too firmly, causing it to burst.
According to the chronicler Vitalis, "The swollen bowels burst," and an intolerable stench assailed the nostrils of bystanders and the whole crowd.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, intestines to the far side of the church.
Well done, Richard, you win the Will, congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
And it's your turn, Richard, to pick a Will.
We'll go for Singing Will.
Well, you've plumped for The Voice judge, entrepreneur and Black Eyed Peas founder William James Adams Jr.
So, let's have a look at his stats.
What's your favourite Black Eyed Peas track? Did they do that "Tonight's going to be a good night"? Yeah, they did.
Because that is the bane of my bloody life! Every really rubbish event Like, I sort of host things sometimes, and you know Every rubbish event! Exactly! You're going to get a lot more of those now! Then you hear, "Tonight's going to be a good night" And you think, I bet it's not.
I wouldn't open with that.
I like his name, will.
i.
am, because a lot of people get confused with my name, because Djalili is spelt D-J-A-L-I-L-I, and the first gig I did outside of London was in Preston, and they had, "Tonight, comedy from Omid "and music from DJ Alili.
" That's a true story! So, I love his name, it's a great name.
What would your DJ name be, Richard? What do you mean, what WOULD it be? I was unaware that you were, you know, currently resident at the decks.
Yeah, no, I'm doing an album with Dre next year.
I think that, um I think, if we had the Notorious BIG, I might be Notorious TALL.
You and I, we could be Biggie Smalls, Josh.
Oh, that would be lovely, wouldn't it? Yeah, because that ended well, didn't it, Biggie Smalls(?) OK, next question, on The Voice, will.
i.
am was caught doing something 16 times on one show, what was it? Oh, it's I know this.
Do you? Yeah, he was It was when he was Was he on The Voice? Yes! That's what she just said! That's what she said! Oh, sorry! RICHARD: I went on to The Voice.
My audition song was Don't Turn Around, by Aswad, which didn't work well Was this on The Voice? Do you think you know the answer? Yeah, he was constantly texting, wasn't he, or checking his phone? Yeah, he was, he was basically tweeting.
There he is.
He is a prolific tweeter.
And the classic And sometimes, people also tweet him: There he is.
Oh, wow! That's basically Baddie Number Three from any Bond movie.
That looks like real hair! Is that real hair? I worry that it might be, because the thing about baked goods, if you do a show around baked goods, people will just bring you them, unwrapped, anywhere, when you're going about your daily business, press them into your hand and just say, "My nan made you a Viennese whirl.
" This crumbling mass will just go in Pressed quite deeply, no clingfilm, no wrap, nothing sanitised, and then they will take up their phone and want to video you eating it.
No! Now you've said that, at least no-one's going to do THAT any more, are they? We must have had some odd tweets, I reckon, Alice.
I get into Twitter fights occasionally with creationists, that's my weakness, actually.
My husband always goes, "Don't do it.
" And also, you always argue about how it started.
And the argument never evolves! Never evolves.
They can't use that, because my cup of tea was in the shot.
Sue, tell you what And the argument never evolves! will.
i.
am has frequently helped innovate or design new products, although he doesn't call himself an innovator, what does he call himself? Is he, like, an imagineer? Imagineer is along the right lines, yes.
A dreamalyser.
Oh, that's good.
A visionorator.
This sounds like we're picking our team name on The Apprentice! He actually calls himself a popthropologist.
A popthropologist! You've been described, Alice, as an anatomist, an anthropologist and a paleopathologist.
Would you add popthropologist to that? Yeah, definitely! Yeah.
I did an interview with someone who called me a mumedian, because you know, like, they have mumpreneur? They said, "Oh, she's a mumedian," and I wanted to stab them to death.
But I didn't, in case the papers called me a mumderer, obviously.
"You have been accused of mumder" What did will.
i.
am recently do for Prince Charles? Did he play a song for him? Did he play a song TO him? Did he play a song TO him? For him? On him? Up him? Did he use him to play a song? What, just play him? Strum him like a banjo? I was thinking flute, ear as one of the What, you think will.
i.
am played Prince Charles as a flute? If it's right, I reckon we should definitely get a point for that.
Oh, yeah Is the correct answer! Yes! No, it isn't.
I genuinely fell for that.
He donated ã500,000 to the Prince's Trust to help young people develop technology skills.
Here he is with Charles, or Chazzee Rascal, as he likes to style himself.
That looks like will.
i.
am's trip to Madame Tussaud's, that's all that is.
RICHARD: It's either will.
i.
am's trip to Madame Tussaud's, or Prince Charles's trip to Madame Tussaud's.
will.
i.
am has created many innovative products.
What's unique about his i.
am.
plus Puls smartwatch? I think it just does what most of these things do, which is measure your heart rate and tell you how fit you are, but on the side, there's a little tiny cupboard, and if you open it, there is a brand-new selection of Duchy Originals biscuits that he's invented.
The pulse watch can actually determine your emotion and mood, based on the tone of your voice.
What is the point of that, given that you're wearing the watch yourself and you're doing the talking? It's telling you what you already know, because you are the author of that emotion.
Exactly, you are the cross one and your watch is telling you you're cross.
At a funeral, you go up to someone and say, "I'm really "sad to hear of your loss.
" That is pretty much the most pointless thing I've ever heard in my life, I think.
And yet, you will be doing the voice-over.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, it's time to play for the Will, now.
will.
i.
am is the chief creative officer of a 3D printing company.
What does he believe we will be able to print one day? Everything, it's the truth! People, probably.
Is the right answer! Yeah, well done.
Will said Quite frankly, you win the Will, well done.
Thank you.
So, the next one's between you.
Josh, what would you like to go for? I'm going to go TV Legend Will.
Have we got a cracker for you! It is final frontier busting actor William Shatner! CHEERING Hey! Let's have a look at his stats.
The Urban Dictionary has cleverly defined the word to Shatnerize.
Does anyone know what that means, to Shatnerize? It's an optician's worst nightmare? LAUGHTER Oh, it's a bonus Willy here.
It's a bonus Willy Wonka for that one.
It's marvellous but it isn't right.
The actual definition for Shatnerizing is to produce something so bad it's good.
LAUGHTER That said, Shatner does have his many fans.
In 2006 he sold a personal item for 25,000.
What was it? Leonard Nimoy.
It's a good price! Kidney? Do you know what? I'm going to give you that, cos it wasn't quite his kidney, but it was a kidney stone.
Oh! He began suffering unbearable backache, basically, while he was filming, dropped to his knees in pain.
Colleagues rushed to his aid, immediately ordered an acting coach.
LAUGHTER He passed the stone and sold it for 25,000.
GASPING Who's buying that? What would you use it as? Paperweight? Probably, yes.
It's the human equivalent of a pearl though, isn't it? Well, now we know who bought it.
Would you wear? LAUGHTER You do pass them through the the gentleman's excuse me, do you? Well, not if you're a lady.
Come on! The lady's excuse me.
I don't think you can do it by proxy.
Just before joining Star Trek, Shatner was in a horror film called Incubus in 1965.
What was unusual about Incubus? Was it about him passing a kidney stone? Was it in a foreign language? It was in a foreign language.
Anybody know what foreign language? Latin.
Latvian.
No.
Aramaic.
Esperanto! Esperanto! Yes.
Here he is.
I think the phrase we're looking for is multi-multi-shitey.
LAUGHTER Do you reckon she couldn't speak it? So he just had to keep going.
LAUGHTER I think the next line was, "I don't want your body," I just want your kidney stone.
"I'll give you 25 grand!" LAUGHTER In 1966 Shatner joined the cast of Star Trek, the show that was to change his life.
Here he is in an early episode.
LAUGHTER He's on planet Exo III, but quite frankly I don't know what planet the props department were on.
I might have seen the tapestry version of that as well.
Star Trek is famous for its hilariously poor monsters, such as the Excalbian.
And the Gorn! As in the phrase, "The production budget has all GORN!" The Gorn is responsible for the cruddiest fight scene ever shown on television.
Let's have a look at it.
APPLAUSE Imagine if you trained at RADA and that was your first job as an actor.
That WAS Sue's first job, come on! That was my signature move.
Now it's time to play for the Will! This is Mike Myers from the horror film Halloween, but what is his connection to William Shatner? Nephew, he's his nephew? No.
He played the Gorn.
LAUGHTER Is that mask modelled on William Shatner's face? Is the right answer! APPLAUSE That is an excellent, excellent, excellent answer.
Indeed it is.
It is only marginally less emotive than Shatner's real face.
The movie budget was so small they used the cheapest mask they could find, which was the Shatner mask for 2.
They painted it white, teased the hair and reshaped the eyeholes.
It was a trick later employed by Barry Manilow 20 years later.
LAUGHTER So, yes, that's absolutely right and so, for the Will, you get it.
Well done! APPLAUSE Time for our next round.
As always, the Insert Name Here fruit machine is standing by, I'll spin the wheels to reveal three of my favourite Wills.
Our teams must match the fascinating fact to the extraordinary Will.
Let's spin.
We've got bearded bat wielder, WG Grace.
Bearded comedian, Billy Connolly, and beardless mystic, William Blake.
The question is, who used to sunbathe naked in his garden with his wife and recreate the story of Adam and Eve? Recreate it how much I mean up to what point? The snake and everything? They ate an apple and then they had to leave the garden and that was when it got really embarrassing for them.
They don't go from start to, like, all the way through to the present day? Oh what, you mean they don't re-enact the history of time? Yeah.
In real-time? Yeah, they just wouldn't have time, Sue.
No.
They wouldn't have time.
One of the funniest moments of my life, I went to a nudist supermarket in Corsica once.
Don't go anywhere near the freezer section.
It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
At any point did you hear a disembodied voice saying, "Unexpected item in the bagging area?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Billy Connolly's quite eccentric, isn't he? Yeah.
So I wouldn't put it past Billy Connolly.
I think William Blake was quite eccentric as well.
And so was WG Grace, so I've managed to not narrow it down at all.
I don't know huge amount of Scots naturists.
Oh, yeah, too cold.
The climate is not conducive.
But, doesn't he, he lives in California or something, doesn't he? In fact, he's the only person who lives somewhere hot.
Oh! I think it should be Billy Connolly, yeah.
So you think Billy Connolly.
What do you think, guys? Are you going to go Blake? I'd go Blake, yeah.
Then I'm going Blake.
The right answer is William Blake.
Yeah! Well done.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH According to biographer Alexander Gilchrist, Blake and his wife would lie naked in their garden and recite passages from Paradise Lost.
Let's spin again.
We've got billionaire geek Bill Gates, we've got super-cool actor Will Smith, and former Doctor Who sidekick, Billie Piper.
Which of these three can solve a Rubik's Cube in under a minute? You're meant to think it's Bill Gates cos he's the kind of nerd.
You're meant to think it's Billie Piper, aren't you? Cos she was on Doctor Who.
So you're meant to think it's Will Smith as well.
I think that the idea that it could be any of the three of them is pretty much the point of the round.
Oh! I don't think it would be Bill Gates.
It's not going to be Bill Gates.
Can any of you solve a Rubik's cube? How long did he have? Well, the person did the Rubik's Cube He or she, very good.
RICHARD: Very good, Sue.
They did it in under a minute.
How difficult can it be? Right.
HUGH: Have you got any spray paint? My God, this is awful.
ALICE LAUGHS I mean, what were they doing in the '80s?! That's a No, I don't like it.
It freaks me out.
That's cos we didn't have the internet back then.
- No, I know.
- That was our internet.
Let's just chuck it about.
I think that's much more fun.
Omid, long way Woo! AUDIENCE OOHS Well done, Josh.
APPLAUSE One hand! Ah ALICE: WG Grace Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Confiscate it! OMID: This is so much fun! They've just said, "Stop it, Susan!" If my one-handed, left-handed catch doesn't make the edit, I'm walking for the rest of the series.
So who are you going to plump for? Will Smith Maybe? I don't know anything, really, about his private life.
I'm not sure that counts as Does that count as part of your private life? I don't know that it does.
I don't know.
I would go for Billie Piper.
Yeah, I think it's Billie Piper.
So you're going for Billie Piper.
Richard's team, what do you think? I think there's very few things that Will Smith can't do.
You're saying Will Smith? Boom, boom, shake the Rubik's Cube.
Yeah.
You are saying Will? We'll say Will Smith.
Is the right answer! Yes! APPLAUSE Here is a picture of him with a Rubik's cube.
Not conclusive proof, just a picture, of whether he completed it.
But he did it on French TV in around about 55 seconds, which sounds impressive until you see this.
Whoa! Wow! THEY ALL CHEER Wow! Yeah.
That's when excitement is completely disproportionate to reality.
APPLAUSE We're going to now spin again.
Now, we have got a creaking rocker, Bill Wyman, mature tennis sensation Billie Jean King, and ageing twanger Billy Bragg.
Which of these Bills has their own range of metal detectors? It could That's Billie Jean King, is it? In the middle, yes.
And that's something she's just dug up from a field in Sudbury.
It feels quite Bill Wyman-y to me.
It feels Wyman-y to me as well.
You think? He's weird enough to do that.
Let's go Bill Wyman.
You're going Bill Wyman? Josh's team, what will you go for? It's not going to be Billy Bragg, cos he wouldn't do a capitalist thing like launch his own range of metal detectors.
I think that we should go Billie Jean King.
Billie Jean King.
You're going to go for Billie Jean King.
The correct answer is Bill Wyman! Well done.
Well done.
It just felt It just felt Bill says, "My Bill Wyman signature detector is" Historically, of course, Bill went hunting for treasures half his age.
Well done indeed, Richard! APPLAUSE OK, everybody, time for the final round.
Let's play Finish The Facts.
I'm going to start by reading out a Will-based nugget, and you buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
So, first up, bearded cricketer WG Grace.
In 1866, WG Grace hit a double century at the Oval.
BELL Alice? Getting naked with his wife and re-enacting Adam and Eve in their garden.
You'd love that to be true, but, no, that's not right.
BELL Hello? Well, I don't want to be a pedant, but fielding.
HUGH: Yeah.
That's what you do when you're a cricketer.
If he didn't do that, then he's a prick and he needs to think about his team-mates.
Let's see a little bit more.
He celebrated that afternoon by BELL Is he arrested for looking like a jihadi? Is not the right answer.
BUZZER Lucy? He won a race.
He did absolutely win a race, where he won the 440-yard hurdles.
That is absolutely true.
APPLAUSE Well done, you've won the Will.
Well done, Lucy.
There you go.
APPLAUSE Next, it's snooker star Bill Werbeniuk.
BELL Hugh? Finally worked out how to spell his own name? BUZZER He was a very, very, very famous drinker, Bill Werbeniuk.
He actually drank 40 to 50 pints a day.
No, he didn't! He couldn't play without drinking an enormous amount of booze.
Absolutely right.
He shook all the time.
- He said he shook, anyway.
- He'd be dead, wouldn't he?!? No.
Well, he is.
Well, currently Oh, right.
It was prophetic.
Let's have a look, because you were right.
Let's carry on the sentence.
He drank BUZZER Is it, told Dennis Taylor he was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen? Well, he All I will say is he didn't win.
BUZZER Bought another round? I'm going to give you that.
He consumed an entire bottle of Scotch to drown his sorrows.
And the Will very much going to Richard.
Well done.
Is he still alive? No.
He died? Did he die? 55, something like that.
Next up, it is 19th century President of the Royal Geographical Society William Buckland.
BELL AND BUZZER TOGETHER Alice.
Everything.
Lucy? At Nando's.
You're getting there, Alice, definitely, yeah.
Basically taste every animal.
BUZZER At Nando's.
BELL William Shatner's kidney stone.
I'm going to put you out of your misery.
It's the heart of Louis XIV.
That's what I was going to say.
Grim.
He was at a house where it was displayed as a relic.
Just dived in.
Um Wasn't even a buffet, was it? Unbelievable.
We've come to the end of the show and I can tell you that our winners with the most amount of Wills, it's Richard! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mwah! And now we come to the big question - who is the best Will of all time? What do you reckon? The best Will of all time? I really, really, really like, um Bill Turnbull.
From BBC Breakfast.
Yeah, very sweet.
And he's leaving BBC Breakfast this year as well.
I think this will be fitting testament to him.
Bill Turnbull is the best Will of all time! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It pains me to give this away.
We have a fabulous gift for our winners - this DVD of William Shatner's Incubus.
APPLAUSE There you go, I will pass that along.
Oh, I want that.
My thanks to all of my guests, special thanks to all the Wills here, there and everywhere.
And thanks to all of you at home for watching.
In the meantime ARGH! Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE