Inside Comedy (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

[music.]
- WHEN YOU SAW COMEDIANS, DID YOU, LIKE, SAY, "THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I WANNA DO," I MEAN-- - YEAH, I WAS REALLY, LIKE-- LIKE, THERE WERE KIDS THAT TOOK APART RADIOS AND STUFF.
LIKE, I TOOK APART JOKES.
I WAS, LIKE, REALLY INTERESTED IN THE, UH, INNER WORKINGS OF A JOKE.
LIKE, "HOW DID YOU SAY THAT WORD TO GET THAT REACTION?" - WHEN YOU WERE, LIKE, - NO, WHEN I WAS, LIKE, SIX OR SEVEN, LIKE-- - OH, REALLY? OH.
- LIKE, WHEN I WAS A KID.
- REALLY? - IT'S WEIRD, 'CAUSE I LOVED COSBY AND WHATEVER, BUT I ALSO LOVED ALAN KING.
LIKE, I LOVED ALAN KING.
- [chuckles.]
- LIKE, UH-- - [chuckles.]
YEAH.
HE'S ON THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW ALL THE TIME.
- YEAH, AND UH-- - RIGHT.
- I THOUGHT ALAN KING WAS JUST, LIKE, "AH, MAN, THAT'S WHAT A COMEDIAN'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE.
" - RIGHT, RIGHT.
- [chuckles.]
- SO YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN, RIGHT? - YEP, BROOKLYN.
- SO WHO DID YOU SEE WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER THAT MADE YOU-- LIKE, IS THERE SOMEONE AROUND YOU BESIDES CELEBRITIES OR COMEDIANS THAT WERE FUNNY THAT SORT OF INTERESTED YOU? - MY GRANDFATHER WAS PRETTY FUNNY.
MY GRANDFATHER, LIKE-- THE GUY THAT PROBABLY, LIKE, INFLUENCED MY PERFORMANCE STYLE-- MY GRANDFATHER WAS A PREACHER.
- OH.
- AND PREACHER LOVED WOMEN.
HIT ON EVERY WOMAN HE SAW.
- [chuckles.]
- WHEN I WAS A KID, I JUST THOUGHT HE KNEW ALL THESE WOMEN.
[laughter.]
- THEN UM-- JUST LIKE, "HE'S SAYING HI.
HE'S SPEAKING TO THIS WOMAN.
" [chuckles.]
UH, THEN YOU GET OLDER, YOU REALIZE, OH-- - PREACHING'S A GOOD WAY TO MEET WOMEN.
- YEAH, AND UH, BUT UH, YOU KNOW, HE-- B-BASICALLY WATCH HIM PREPARE A SET EVERY WEEK, YOU KNOW? - MM-HMM.
- HE NEVER REALLY WROTE THE SERMON.
HE WOULD JUST WRITE DOWN THE BULLET POINTS, AND HE WOULD RUN WITH IT.
I KIND OF WRITE MY JOKES THE SAME WAY.
I DON'T REALLY, LIKE, "OKAY, I NEED A GOOD TOPIC.
" AND UH, SO HE--HE DEFINITELY HAD A LOT OF INFLUENCE ON ME.
- BUT WOULD YOUR-- WOULD YOUR FATHER WH-WHO-- WOULD--WOULD HE HAVE KNOWN REDD FOXX OR ANY OF THOSE COMEDIANS? - YEAH, YEAH.
- YEAH.
- MY FATHER KNEW ALL THAT STUFF.
I MEAN, WE HAD THE COSBY ALBUMS.
- RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, WE HAD "NOAH" AND ALL THAT STUFF, AND WE HAD REDD FOXX.
I THINK THERE WAS A MOMS MABLEY ALBUM - MM-HMM.
- IN THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE.
- SO WHEN DID YOU JUMP INTO TRYING IT AND HOW DID-- HOW'D YOU DO THAT? - I WAS A BIG EDDIE MURPHY FAN.
- MM-HMM.
- AND THE REASON I WAS A BIG EDDIE MURPHY FAN-- EDDIE MURPHY-- I KNOW THIS SOUNDS WEIRD, BUT EDDIE MURPHY'S THE FIRST ACTUALLY YOUNG COMEDIAN.
BEFORE EDDIE MURPHY, EVERY COMEDIAN YOU EVER SAW PUT ON A SUIT AND TIE AND TRIED TO PRESENT THEMSELVES AS A GROWN-UP.
- MM-HMM.
RIGHT.
- EDDIE MURPHY WAS NEVER A GROWN-UP.
THIS GUY, LIKE, FROM THE-- JUST OUT THE BOX - RIGHT.
- WAS, UM, LIKE, "I'M 22.
I'M GETTING PUSSY.
WHAT'S UP?" - RIGHT.
[laughter.]
- ALL THEM DISEASES SCARE ME 'CAUSE I'M LIKE, "THESE-- THESE ARE THE FUCK YEARS FOR ME.
" LIKE, I--THIS--I'M TWEN-- I'M IN MY SEXUAL PRIME.
THIS-- I FUCK NOW.
[cheers and applause.]
YOU KNOW? THESE ARE THE YEARS TO FUCK.
THIS IS WHERE YOU DO YOUR BEST FUCKING, WHERE YOU JUST START TO LEARN YOUR BODY, AND YOU'RE GETTING ALL YOUR SHOULDERS IN ON THE FUCKING.
LIKE, 18-YEAR-OLDS, LET ME HEAR Y'ALL IN THE AUDIENCE.
[cheers and applause.]
SEE, Y'ALL DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCK YET, SEE? [cheers and applause.]
YOU DON'T.
- HE WAS FROM BROOKLYN.
HE WAS FROM, LIKE-- YOU KNOW, HE LIVED IN LONG ISLAND, BUT HE WAS FROM, LIKE, FIVE BLOCKS FROM MY HOUSE.
AND IT WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT.
" SO WE ALL WANTED TO BE EDDIE MURPHY.
UM, SO I WAS ON A LINE FOR EDDIE MURPHY TICKETS.
EDDIE MURPHY WAS PLAYING RADIO CITY.
- MM-HMM.
- SO WHILE I'M ON THIS LINE, I SAW AN AD FOR COMEDY CLUBS.
AND I JUST WENT TO CATCH A RISING STAR.
THEY SAID, "AUDITION NIGHT'S TONIGHT.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE A-- PICK A NUMBER.
" SO I JUST HUNG OUT ALL DAY, AND I ONLY HAD TO DO, LIKE, THREE MINUTES, FIVE MINUTES.
AND I GOT A COUPLE OF LAUGHS AND-- - IS THAT, UH-- - AS I WAS WALKING OUT, THE GUY, MIKE EAGAN, RAN THE CLUB.
- MM-HMM.
- AND HE SAID, "YOU PASSED.
" I'M LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT--" - THAT'S COOL.
- I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE SYSTEM.
I HAD NEVER BEEN IN A COMEDY CLUB BEFORE.
"YEAH, YOU CAN COME ANY NIGHT.
" AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON, I WAS PROBABLY AT A COMEDY CLUB EVERY NIGHT FOR ABOUT MM NINE YEARS.
- WOW.
- YEAH, EVERY NIGHT.
- EVERY NIGHT.
EVERY SINGLE NIGHT YOU JUST WENT OUT TO-- - I MEAN, I ESSENTIALLY WENT A DECADE WITHOUT DATING, TAKING A WOMAN OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
[laughter.]
- AND WERE YOU GETTING-- WERE YOU GETTING KNOWN, UH, IN ANY WAY, OR STILL YOU HAD TO-- - I MEAN, LITTLE STUFF HERE AND THERE.
I MEAN, YOU GET--YOU GET A LITTLE PART IN A MOVIE, THAT'S ENOUGH.
WHEN YOU GET, LIKE, LIKE, A P--A ONE-LINE PART IN I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS ENOUGH TO GET YOU IN A CLUB AND TO GET YOU LAID.
IT'S, UH, PRETTY MUCH-- [laughter.]
- EVERYONE'S DREAM.
- YEAH, SO W-WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE GETTING THE HIGHEST QUALITY OF BEING LAID, BUT YOU, UH-- [laughter.]
YOU, UH, YOU KNOW.
- YOU NEED MORE THAN ONE LINE FOR THAT.
- YEAH, YOU NEED MORE THAN ONE LINE, BUT UM, YOU KNOW, IT'S-- - YEAH.
- SOMEONE WILL ACTUALLY FUCK YOU.
- YEAH, BUT THAT'S MOTIVATION FOR ALMOST EVERYTHING IN LIFE I THINK.
- YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
- YOU KNOW, COMEDIANS CLAIM IT, BUT I HAVE A FEELING EINSTEIN, PEOPLE LIKE THAT-- SAME THING, YOU KNOW.
- THEY ALL--THEY ALL-- - SO WHEN YOU-- WHEN YOU GOT SNL-- - I THOUGHT I WAS HOT SHIT.
- YOU--[chuckles.]
- THOUGHT I WAS, LIKE-- - YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOOD BEFORE SNL.
- OH, YEAH.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND WHEN YOU GOT TO SNL, DID YOU FEEL THAT IT WAS MOVING YOU FORWARD OR-- - WELL, I WASN'T-- I WAS STILL YOUNG.
I WAS LEARNING STUFF, I MEAN, A LOT OF PEOPLE-- "OH, MAN, THEY HOLD YOU BACK.
" I WASN'T THAT GOOD.
I WAS LIKE-- I NEVER TOOK AN ACTING CLASS IN MY LIFE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- UH, I'D NEVER WRITTEN A SKETCH.
I'D NEVER-- AND THE F--THE GUYS IN FRONT OF ME WERE BETTER THAN ME.
I'M--I CAN'T SIT HERE FOR A SECOND AND GO, "I SHOULD'VE BEEN ON INSTEAD OF DANA CARVEY OR MIKE MYERS OR PHIL HARTMAN OR YOU KNOW-- THOSE GUYS ARE JUST AMAZING.
SO, YOU KNOW, I WAS ON THE BENCH.
HEY, KOBE WAS ON THE BENCH HIS FIRST TWO YEARS TOO.
YOU KNOW? - RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW? - WAS-- WAS THAT A GOOD TIME FOR YOU? - IT WAS A GREAT TIME FOR ME.
IT WAS LIKE GOING TO X-MEN SCHOOL OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, WHEN I WAS AT SNL, CONAN O'BRIEN WAS A WRITER ON THE SHOW.
UH, SENATOR AL FRANKEN WAS A WRITER ON THE SHOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? UH-- - [chuckles.]
THAT'S ODD.
- YEAH.
I MEAN, THE SENATOR WAS A WRITER.
UM, YOU KNOW, IT'S-- IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
- SO AFTER SNL, D-DID YOU FEEL SOMETHING COMING TOGETHER, OR--? - AH, I MEAN--OKAY, AFTER SNL, MY CAREER WAS PRETTY-- I WAS PRETTY MUCH DONE.
I HAD BEEN IN A COUPLE MOVIES, I'D BEEN ON SNL, I HADN'T BEEN, LIKE, PARTICULARLY GOOD IN ANYTHING.
I'M OKAY, SERVICEABLE, NI-NICE ENOUGH GUY.
- IT WAS SORT OF LIKE AN ACTING JOB REALLY.
- WELL, SNL WAS GOOD-- - A SKETCH JOB.
- HERE'S THE BAD THING ABOUT SNL.
THEY-- WHEN I GOT TO SNL, THEY HADN'T HAD A BLACK GUY IN EIGHT YEARS.
- OH.
- SO AND THE BLACK GUY THEY HAD, THEY FIRED AFTER, LIKE, ONE SHOW.
SO THEY LITERALLY HADN'T HAD A BLACK GUY SINCE EDDIE MURPHY.
- MM-HMM.
- SO I WAS ALWAYS COMPARED TO EDDIE MURPHY.
- OH, I SEE.
- AND THAT SUCKED.
- RIGHT.
- LIKE THAT-- 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M STILL NOT AS GOOD AS EDDIE MURPHY.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S LIKE-- IF I--YOU KNOW, AND ANYTHING YOU READ ABOUT ME WAS LIKE, "NOT EDDIE MURPHY.
" - [chuckles.]
RIGHT, RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, BUT WAS I AS GOOD AS, YOU KNOW, SPADE AND SCHNEIDER? YEAH.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, FINE, YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT.
[chuckling.]
- BUT IT WAS LIKE-- I WAS AS GOOD AS THE, YOU KNOW, GUYS I SHARED AN OFFICE WITH.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- YEAH.
I WAS COMPARED TO EDDIE MURPHY, AND IN LIVING COLOR WAS ON AT THE SAME TIME.
SO MY--EVERYTHING ABOUT MY HIRING WAS JUST LIKE-- IT WAS JUST SO MAGNIFIED THAT, UM, Y--IT W--I--YOU CAN'T GROW UNDER THAT KIND OF SCRUTINY.
UH, SO MY CAREER WAS KINDA OVER AFTER SNL.
I WOULD POP UP ON, YOU KNOW, LIKE, A FRESH PRINCE HERE OR A MARTIN THERE OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, LIKE-- - RIGHT.
- LIKE, I WAS-- HAD A LITTLE PART IN SGT.
BILKO.
BUT THE PERSON I WAS ACTING AGAINST WAS, UH, PHIL SILVERS', UH, GRANDDAUGHTER.
- [chuckles.]
OH.
- SO I WAS LIKE, "AW, SHIT.
I'M, LIKE, IN THE FAVOR CATEGORY.
" - [chuckles.]
OH, GOD.
- [chuckles.]
I'M LIKE, GOD DAMN.
- RIGHT, YEAH.
- I'M LIKE, "I'M OVER HERE.
THIS LIKE--" - PHIL SILVERS' FAMILY, NOT PHIL SILVERS, HUH? - YEAH, LIKE, LIKE, "WHOA.
SOMEBODY ACT-- I'M ONLY IN THIS MOVIE BECAUSE I'M A NICE GUY.
" - RIGHT.
[chuckles.]
- UH, I KNEW MY CAREER WAS IN DIRE STRAITS, 'CAUSE I REMEMBER ONE FEBRUARY, I HAD NO WORK.
AND, LIKE, UH, LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS, YOU'RE A BLACK COMIC.
BLACK HISTORY MONTH, YOU JUST FUCKING MAKE A TON OF MONEY.
- [chuckles.]
YES.
- IT'S LIKE YOU'RE-- LIKE, EVERY WHITE SCHOOL JUST FUCKING BOOKS YOU.
- [chuckles.]
RIGHT.
- AND UM SO UH I GAVE UP TRYING TO GET FAMOUS, AND JUST WANTED TO BE A GOOD COMEDIAN.
- MM-HMM.
- 'CAUSE IT WASN'T LIKE, YOU KNOW, IT WAS LIKE, "OKAY, I'M NOT--I'M NOT-- LIKE, I REFUSE TO EVEN GO ON ACTING AUDITIONS.
" LIKE, I-- LIKE, FUCK.
- YEAH.
- "WHAT'S THIS GONNA DO?" LIKE, IN THE SHOWCASE CLUBS, I--YOU KNOW, YOU DO 15, 20 MINUTES.
- MM-HMM.
- BY THE WAY, SHOWCASE CLUBS HAVE RUINED COMEDY.
EVERYBODY'S GETTING READY FOR A TELEVISION SET.
- RIGHT, YES.
- AND-- AND BEFORE THERE WERE SHOWCASE CLUBS, PEOPLE ACTUALLY DEVELOPED A SHOW.
- YEAH, BUT WHAT HAPPENED IS-- I DON'T KNOW IF IT HAPPENED WITH SEINFELD OR COSBY OR WHATEVER, STANDUP COMEDIANS WERE HAPPY TO JUST BE STANDUP COMEDIANS.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, A-ALL PEOPLE WANT TO DO IS GET EIGHT MINUTES TO GET A TELEVISION SHOW.
- IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE BASEBALL AND PITCHERS.
LIKE, NOBODY CAN GO SEVEN INNINGS ANYMORE.
- RIGHT.
- IT'S LIKE--THAT'S A-- LIKE, THAT'S A BIG DEAL.
- RIGHT.
- SO WEIRD.
I GO ON TOUR, PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "YOU DID TWO HOURS!" LIKE, EVERYBODY USED TO DO TWO HOURS.
- EXACTLY.
RIGHT.
- IT'S, LIKE, ONLY THIS FUCKING LAZY GENERATION DOES THESE FUCKING BULLSHIT SHOWS.
- YEAH.
- SO I WOULD--I WOULD JUST-- WAS WORKING EVERY NIGHT.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW, MY GOAL IN LIFE AT THAT POINT WAS TO BE BIG ENOUGH TO SELL OUT THE CLUB WITHOUT DOING RADIO.
- [chuckles.]
YES.
YEAH, YEAH.
- THAT WAS, LIKE, MY GOAL, LIKE-- "OKAY, IF I CAN SELL THIS OUT AND NOT-- NOT HAVE TO BE UP AT 5:30" - YEAH, YEAH.
- "WITH WACKY RON IN SYRACUSE, I'LL BE FINE.
" - PROMOTING YOURSELF SO PEOPLE WILL COME AND SEE YOU WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW YOU ANYWAY.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I WAS LIKE, LIKE, LIKE-- GEORGE WALLACE WAS MY IDOL.
LIKE, LIKE, THIS IS A COMEDIAN.
- RIGHT.
- OKAY.
THIS GUY'S GOT IT DOWN.
LIKE, GEORGE WALLACE, RICHARD JENI, LIKE-- LIKE, THESE GUYS THAT WERE JUST COMEDIANS.
LIKE, THAT'S WHO I WAS, LIKE, LOOKING UP TO.
- MM-HMM.
- AND UM YEAH, IT JUST STARTED TO GET BETTER AND-- - BETTER? - BETTER AND BETTER AND BETTER AND BETTER.
AND Y-YOU GET YOUR VOICE.
- MM-HMM.
- AND YOU-- YOU DON'T CARE.
YOU START DOING LONG SHOWS.
- MM-HMM.
- AND PEOPLE STARTED SHOWING UP, LIKE, ON THE CLUB LEVEL.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW, THERE'S FIGHTS 'CAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T GET IN.
THAT'S WHEN I, LIKE-- THAT'S WHEN I KNEW I HAD A LITTLE SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE, "OH, SHIT.
" IT'S LIKE, FUCKING FIGHTS EVERY NIGHT.
[laughter.]
- SO THE QU-QUALITY OF THE WOMEN ARE-- THE WAITRESSES ARE NICER TO YOU? - WAITRESSES ARE NICER, AND JUST, LIKE, JUST TH-THEY WERE LAUGHING SO HARD, I-I WAS LIKE-- I WAS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE, "WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY LAUGHING AT?" [laughter.]
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- LIKE, "WHAT'S GO-- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" AND UH-- - AND THAT'S THE MOMENT.
THAT'S A MOMENT WHEN YOU SAID-- - YEAH, LIKE-- LIKE, I ALWAYS GOT LAUGHS, BUT IT WAS LIKE-- - SOMETHING'S HAPPENING.
- SOMETHING'S HAPPENING.
AND THE BITS ARE LONGER.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- YEAH, BECAUSE I KNEW I WAS NEVER GONNA GET ON THE TONIGHT SHOW OR LETTERMAN OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
SO I DIDN'T--IT DIDN'T MATTER IF I HAVE A NINE-MINUTE BIT - RIGHT, RIGHT.
- OR, LIKE, IT WAS LIKE-- - Y-YOU'D TO JUST MAKE IT TWO MINUTES INSTEAD OF NINE MINUTES.
- YEAH, I WAS LIKE-- I WAS SO NOT GONNA BE ON ANY OF THOSE SHOWS.
- RIGHT.
- SO IT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME.
- RIGHT.
- AND UH-- - AGAIN, THAT'S SO LIBERATING.
THAT'S A GREAT WAY TO-- 'CAUSE--'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT-- YOU'RE NOT PROGRAMMING YOURSELF.
- I MEAN, I N--I'M NOT GONNA SAY I DIDN'T AUDITION FOR THEM, BUT I'D BEEN TURNED DOWN BY EVERYBODY.
- AND DID THE TONIGHT SHOW EVER COME AROUND AND SEE-- WHO--WHAT-- WHAT SHOW PUT YOU ON WHEN YOU WERE SORT OF AT-- AT THIS PLACE? - SO THE GUY-- CHRIS ALBRECHT, YOU KNOW, GAVE ME THIS SPECIAL.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW? SPECIAL WAS CALLED "BIG-ASS JOKES.
" - MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? IF YOU'RE BLACK AND YOU GO OUT WITH A WHITE GIRL, EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN YOUR LIFE-- PEOPLE BLAME IT ON THE WHITE GIRL.
EVERYTHING-- IT'S LIKE, "YO, MAN.
"I HEARD CHRIS GOT HIT BY A BUS FUCKING AROUND WITH THEM WHITE GIRLS.
" [cheers and applause.]
THIS BROTHER GOT A WHITE GIRL RIGHT THERE, HUH? [laughs.]
HE'S LIKE, "I GOT MINE!" [cheers and applause.]
DAMN, BROTHER.
YOU GOT A WHITE GIRL IN ATLANTA.
THERE'S A LOT OF SISTERS IN ATLANTA.
YOU MUST'VE REALLY WANTED A WHITE GIRL, HUH? [cheers and applause.]
- ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU WERE ON TV.
I MEAN, YOU'VE BEEN PRESENTED AS YOURSELF IN THIS ORIGINAL FORM THAT NO ONE'S REALLY SEEN YOU-- - NO ONE HAD SEEN ME IN A FEW YEARS, AND THAT WAS COOL.
AND I DID BRING THE PAIN, AND THEN MY WHOLE WORLD CHANGED.
LIKE EVERY-- LIKE, I GOT FAMOUS.
LIKE, ALL THAT OTHER SHIT YOU THOUGHT WAS FAMOUS-- IT AIN'T NOTHING.
Y-YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS-- WHEN PEOPLE'S MOTHERS KNOW YOU, YOU'RE FAMOUS.
- [chuckles.]
YES.
YEAH.
A-A-AND BRING THE PAIN-- W-WHAT WAS SOME OF THE MATERIAL FROM BRING THE PAIN? - UH, I DID THE MARION BARRY STUFF, I DID THE NIG-- - MAYOR BARRY.
- THE BLACK PEOPLE ARE NIGGAS AND THE CRACK AND THE-- THE WOMEN STUFF, THE CHEATING STUFF.
- RIGHT.
[cheers and applause.]
- YOU KNOW THE COOL THING ABOUT WOMEN? WOMEN GET TO HAVE PLATONIC FRIENDS.
"HE'S MY PAL, HE'S MY BUD.
"HE'S MY PLATONIC FRIEND.
I LOVE HIM LIKE A BROTHER.
HE'S MY BUD, MY PLATONIC FRIEND.
" MEN DON'T HAVE PLATONIC FRIENDS, OKAY? WE JUST HAVE WOMEN WE HAVEN'T FUCKED YET.
[laughter.]
AS SOON AS I FIGURE THIS OUT, I'M IN THERE.
WE G--I MEAN, WE GOT SOME PLATONIC FRIENDS, BUT OH, NO, I GOT SOME, BUT THEY'RE ALL BY ACCIDENT.
EVERY PLATONIC FRIEND I GOT IS SOMEONE THAT I WAS TRYING TO FUCK, I MADE A WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE AND ENDED UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
OH, NO! I'M IN THE FRIEND ZONE! [cheers and applause.]
THE POLITICAL STUFF GETS THE MOST ATTENTION, BUT THE RELATIONSHIP STUFF SELLS THE TICKETS.
- POLITICAL STUFF GETS THE MOST ATTENTION BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS TOPICAL.
IT'S LIKE-- - IT'S ALWAYS TOPICAL, AND IT'S EASY FOR THE PRESS TO WRITE ABOUT THAT SHIT, BUT POLITICAL COMEDIANS PLAY CLUBS AND 1,200-SEAT THEATERS.
- RIGHT.
- AT MOST.
THERE'S NO--THERE'S NO GIGANTIC COMEDIAN--YOU KNOW-- - YES, RIGHT.
- SOME OF MY FAVORITE GUYS ARE POLITICAL COMEDIANS, BUT THEY DON'T-- THE-- YOU WANNA PLAY THE STADIUM, YOU WANNA PLAY STAPLES CENTER-- - IT'S GOTTA BE RELATIONSHIP STUFF.
- YOU GOTTA TALK ABOUT PEOPLE FUCKING.
YOU GOTTA LIKE--YOU GOTTA LIKE-- [laughter.]
YOU GOTTA GET INTO THE COMPLEXITIES OF MEN AND WOMEN 'CAUSE THAT'S-- YOU KNOW, PEOPLE CARE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS MORE THAN ANYTH-- EVEN WHEN I'M TOURING AROUND THE WORLD, IT'S LIKE-- THE TOPICAL STUFF, YOU KNOW, COMES AND GOES.
- I AGREE WITH THAT.
- YOU HAVE TO TAKE THIS ONE OUT.
THAT RELATIONSHIP STUFF WORKS EVERY-- I DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE ONE LINE IN EUROPE OR AUSTRALIA, NEW ZEALAND, OR ANYTHING.
- BECAUSE IT'S PRIMAL.
YOU'RE DEALING WITH SOMETHING THAT EVERYONE HAS TO DEAL WITH.
- THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE ULTIMATELY-- I MEAN, YOUR LIFE IS YOUR LOVE, IS YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
EVERYTHING ELSE YOU DO IS YOUR JOB.
- SO SMART.
- LIKE, I LOVE BEING A COMEDIAN, BUT IT'S NOT ULTIMATELY, YOU KNOW, MY WOMAN.
AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY KIDS IS GONNA DETERMINE MY HAPPINESS.
- SURE.
- YOU KNOW? - SURE.
- UM-- - SO NOW YOU'RE VERY FAMOUS FOR WHAT YOU DO.
AND YOU H-- YOU OPENED UP A SHOW IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN LIKE JUST-- - COUPLE YEARS AGO.
- A COUPLE YEARS AGO.
WHERE DO YOU GO TO WORK THAT OUT? I MEAN, I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW HARD IT IS FOR A COMEDIAN TO SAY, "OH, I'M JUST GOING TO TRY OUT MY STUFF ON THIS AUDIENCE, WHO'S PAID MONEY TO SEE ME.
" - EVERYTHING-- EVERY SPECIAL, EVERY TOUR-- IS LIKE A FIGHT TO ME, AND I DO WHAT FIGHTERS DO.
FIGHTERS SET UP A CAMP.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE, OKAY, REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID-- MUHAMMAD ALI AND THEY GO UPSTATE-- - MM-HMM.
- AND, YOU KNOW.
EIGHT WEEKS, IT L-- YOU KNOW, A FIGHTER-- EIGHT WEEKS, I COULD FIGHT ANYBODY.
- RIGHT.
- YOU GIVE ME EIGHT WEEKS, I WILL FUCKING BLOW YOU A-- I WILL HAVE A FUCKING GREAT ACT.
- EIGHT WEEKS, GOING ON THE ROAD, GO TO LITTLE CLUBS, OR WHATEVER, JUST LITTLE CLUBS TO WORK IT OUT.
- YEAH, I MEAN, A LOT OF TIME, I GO TO WEST PALM PEACH, FLORIDA.
- MM-HMM.
- A LOT OF OLD PEOPLE.
- MM-HMM.
- MOST OF THEM JEWISH.
- MM-HMM.
- AND IF I CAN MAKE OLD JEWS LAUGH AT THIS SHIT-- - [laughs.]
IF YOU'RE AWAKE-- - IF I CAN GET THEM LAUGHING - YES.
- THE WAY-- A-AND NOT CHANGING MY ACT FOR THEM.
- NO, THAT'S GREAT.
- LIKE, GET, LIKE, A BUNCH OF OLD PEOPLE, LIKE, INTO MY SHIT-- WHEN I GET IT IN FRONT OF THE YOUNG PEOPLE, THEY--IT'S LIKE, SWINGING TWO BATS ON THE ON-DECK CIRCLE.
- IT'S LIKE-- [laughter.]
MAJOR! SO FIND, LIKE, THE WORST-- LIKE, A SITUATION YOU WOULDN'T NORMALLY, YOU KNOW, CALL AN IDEAL SITUATION.
- YEAH.
- AND SAY, "OKAY, LET'S WORK UNDERWATER.
" I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW-- - RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND IF YOU'VE GOT THAT WORKING, YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE-- - RIGHT.
IF I CAN DO THIS SHIT UNDERWATER, WHEN I GET ABOVE GROUND-- - RIGHT, IT'S GONNA BE-- - IT'S GONNA BE-- - AMAZING.
- IT'S GONNA BE AMAZING! SO UM-- - SO CHRIS, WHAT ABOUT RICHIE PRYOR? I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY SURPRISING PEOPLE WERE-- WOULD SAY THEIR MAJOR, LIKE-- TIM CONWAY, WHO'S SO CONSERVATIVE-- HE SAID RICHIE PRYOR WAS THE M-M-- SORT OF THE MAJOR COMEDIAN INFLUENCE TO HIM.
AND I-I'M JUST WONDERING ABOUT-- - RICHARD PRYOR--I-I-- SEE, I'M LIKE, PRYOR, COSBY, COSBY, PRYOR.
TO ME, LIKE-- - RIGHT, YES.
YES.
- ONE-- ONE--TWO GREATEST COMEDIANS OF ALL-- - C--UH, I SAW COSBY IN 1969 AT THE APOLLO.
IT WAS THE BEST STANDUP ACT I'VE EVER SEEN.
- I SAW COSBY IN 2007, AND IT WAS THE BEST STANDUP ACT I EVER-- - YEAH.
- LIKE, HE'S STILL THAT FUNNY.
- THAT FUNNY.
YEAH.
- YEAH.
- AND BECAUSE OF MY FATHER, BETWEEN THE AGES 7 THROUGH 15, I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS JESUS CHRIST.
"JESUS CHRIST!" [cheers and applause.]
AND MY BROTHER RUSSELL THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS "DAMN IT.
" "DAMN IT, WILL YOU STOP ALL THAT NOISE? AND JESUS CHRIST, SIT DOWN!" [cheers and applause.]
SO ONE DAY, I'M OUT PLAYING IN THE RAIN, MY FATHER SAID, "DAMN IT, WILL YOU GET IN HERE?" I SAID, "DAD, I'M JESUS CHRIST!" [cheers and applause.]
- THE REASON I SAY COSBY'S THE GREATEST EVER-- COSBY'S SO GOOD, NOBODY EVEN ATTEMPTS IT.
- YES.
- WHERE RICHARD, AS GREAT AS RICHARD IS, I DO A LITTLE RICHARD, EDDIE DOES A LITTLE RICHARD, MARTIN DOES--LIKE, LIKE-- - RIGHT, RIGHT.
- LIKE, IT'S LIKE-- YOU COULD ACTUALLY ATTEMPT IT.
- YES.
- COSBY'S LIKE-- YOU CAN'T EVEN TRY IT.
- RIGHT.
IT'S LIKE, WHAT IS THIS? - YES, I AGREE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU-- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, THE GENIUS OF COSBY IS THAT HE HAS, OVER ALL COMEDIANS-- THE THING-- THE REASON COMEDY--JUST SAY MOVIES OR WHATEVER, ANYTHING-- DOESN'T GET THE RESPECT THAT DRAMA DOES IS 'CAUSE COMEDY ROTS.
AND IT JUST DOES.
- YEAH, YES.
- AND OVER PERIODS OF TIME, THINGS DON'T TEND TO BE-- - DON'T--THEY-- THEY DON'T HOLD UP.
- THEY DON'T TEND TO-- TO HOLD UP 'CAUSE A LOT OF THINGS ARE JUST PREDICATED ON A, UH-- A REFERENCE POINT.
- MM-HMM.
- NONE OF BILL COSBY'S MATERIAL IS PREDICATED ON A REFERENCE POINT.
EVERY JOKE IS SO FUCKING GOOD - YEAH.
- THAT IT WITHSTANDS THE REFERENCE.
AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM WOULD WORK TODAY.
- YES, BECAUSE THEY-- - THE SAME WAY-- AND YOU CAN'T SAY THAT ABOUT ANY OTHER COMEDIAN.
- THAT'S SO INTERESTING, BUT BECAUSE IT'S--IT'S-- HE HAS A RELATION-- HE HAS HIS FAMILY AND, UH, TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF AGING AND HOW HE CAN'T SEE, AND HE'LL EXPAND ON THAT.
- YEAH.
YEAH.
PRYOR ORIGINALLY WANTED TO BE COSBY, WHICH IS WELL-- WELL-DOCUMENTED.
- HE SOUNDED LIKE HIM AT THE BEGINNING.
- SOUNDED LIKE HIM AND-- THE THING ABOUT PRYOR TOO, MAN, HE HAD SUCH A VULNERABILITY ABOUT HIM.
HE'S NOT-- HE'S NOT COCKY AT ALL.
- RIGHT.
- LIKE, YOU ACTUALLY GET A SENSE HE COULD, LIKE, BREAK DOWN AND CRY AT ANY MOMENT, MAN.
- IT WAS INTERESTING.
I MEAN, IT WAS INTERESTING TO SEE HIM ONSTAGE, BECAUSE YOU KNEW THAT HE WAS HAVING A HARD-- HARD LIFE THAT HE WAS TRYING TO-- - WELL, HE WAS OF THE TIMES TOO.
I MEAN, IF YOU SWITCHED-- YOU PUT EDDIE MURPHY IN THAT-- THOSE YEARS-- - YES.
- YOU MIGHT--YOU'D PROBABLY END UP WITH THE SAME GUY.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, LIKE-- - RIGHT.
- IF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SANG-- YOU KNOW, WAS MAKING MUSIC WHEN--YOU KNOW, WHEN THERE WAS WOODSTOCK, HE'D HAVE MORE SUBSTANTIAL SONGS.
- SURE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND CROSBY, STILLS AND NASH RIGHT NOW-- THEY'D BE HARMONIZING ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? - [laughs.]
FOR SURE.
- AND THAT'S JUST-- THE TIMES INFLUENCE, YOU KNOW-- - NO QUESTION, IT'S--YEAH.
Y-YOU CAN'T AFFECT THAT.
YOU JUST HAVE TO COME AROUND AT THE--AT THE RIGHT TIME.
- YEAH.
- YEAH, AND YOU-- AND YOU HAVE TO BE RIGHT FOR THAT MOMENT, AND YOU CAN'T--YOU CAN'T CONTROL THAT IN ANY WAY.
- YOU CAN'T CONTROL THAT, YOU KNOW? YOU CAN-- YOU CAN IGNORE THE TIMES - RIGHT.
- [laughs.]
WHICH SOME PEOPLE DO, OR YOU EMBRACE THE TIMES, SO-- - I-I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE ENJOYED TALKING TO YOU.
- IT'S BEEN COOL.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANKS, CHRIS.
[applause.]