Intelligence (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Morning!
Morning. Alright?
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
(COMPUTER BEEPS RAPIDLY)
What does that mean?
Ooh, Evelyn, can I get
a hot squash, please?
Why? Is there a kid coming?
Well, it's for me.
JERRY: So sorry I'm late.
The hotel I'm staying at
doesn't have a decent gym.
So I had to free-run
all the way here.
Free-run? What's that?
Watch and learn, babe.
Do you have an update on China?
Actually, my buddy at the NSA and I
did some pretty breathtaking work
on that.
This is first-rate intel.
My guy is the best.
This is just taken from Wikipedia.
Right. You have that here?
Oh, can I
Can I get a protein shake?
Yes. Would you like lamb or beef?
That'll be all. Thanks, Evelyn.
That reminds me, who do I talk to
about switching hotels?
Certainly not me. Certainly not now.
Because I need a place that serves
organic chicken breasts, like, 24/7.
OK, so, just so that you know,
everyone at Cysec will be
having to redo their APT tests.
ALL: Great!
Is that because
I accidentally deleted
the entire department's
personnel files
and all previous aptitude scores?
What do you think?
Could just be a coincidence.
You know, this is
actually a perfect opportunity
for me to get to know
where everyone's at.
As merely liaison with the NSA,
what makes you think you need
to know where everyone is at?
Who knows what I'm going to need
to liaise with them about? Right?
Plus, we run aptitude tests
for the NSA, like, every few hours
just to make sure we're all
constantly at the top of our game.
And this will give us a chance
to see if you're
at the top of yours.
What do you mean, I'm exempt.
Why would you be exempt?
Because I'm NSA.
I would say that's even more reason
for you to take the test.
You're one of the team now,
so to speak.
Maybe you and I should talk
about this privately.
I just don't want to lower morale
by getting the highest score.
I'm sure the team will understand.
I presume you're aware
it involves a polygraph test.
Huh?
Chris, hypothetical question -
what would happen to someone
who is currently working
at GCHQ doing absolutely fine,
might have encountered a few
little hiccups along the way,
but then doesn't end up faring
so well in this next round of tests.
I'd say you'd be fired.
I wasn't talking about me.
There's only so far we can take
positive discrimination, I'm afraid.
You know, I've never
really understood that.
Oh, well, it's when someone
who isn't white is actually
really good at what they do.
That's not it.
No, I get what it means.
I just don't see why we should be
discriminating on any level,
positive or negative.
Look, ultimately, I just want
the best candidates
doing the best job.
Thank you. I agree.
Why are you nodding?
Regardless of whether they're white,
black or your thing.
Hello.
You know, I'm 2% Native American,
but you couldn't tell.
I can always tell.
Well, I mean, we were
all black once, weren't we?
Uh, that's not racist.
It's just something Mum says.
Ooh, cake day!
What's going on?
Anthrax.
(THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh, great. Is that my chicken?
Um, yes.
I didn't know what you liked,
so I just got a mix of thighs
and a couple of big breasts.
Did you do a background check?
On the chicken?
Yeah.
It's just a rotisserie chicken.
So we don't know if it's organic.
Uh, not yet, no.
Close the door.
Shut the blinds, sit down.
So I've been thinking
about these tests tomorrow.
Oh, God. Me too.
Hopefully, they'll just demote me
if I get a bad score.
I don't think
they'd actually fire me.
Is it even possible for you
to get demoted, though?
I mean, you're
the least paid here, right?
What What makes you say that?
Listen, maybe
we could help each other out.
What if I was the one
overseeing the tests?
What, you'd help me pass?
Well, I'd have to take into account
just how bad your score was.
I wouldn't want it to be too obvious.
No, of course.
Plus, you know,
sometimes it's a good thing
for a certain person
in the group to fail,
just so everyone gets to see
what that looks like.
Yeah, I know, I can get that
So, what, you want me
to fail on purpose?
'Cause I can easily do that.
No, definitely not.
All I mean is, if the Titanic
had successfully crossed the Atlantic
to New York, do you really think
that film would have grossed
$2.1 billion at the box office?
I don't You know, I still
don't know what you
Are you saying that
it sank on purpose?
No.
All I'm saying is that
you should stick with me
and everything will be OK.
Well, I hope that's true.
But that's what Scar says
in The Lion King, isn't it?
Then it all goes tits up. (LAUGHS)
So, what, have upstairs
signed off on this, or?
Yes, kind of.
Who does Chris report to?
Rupert.
Then no.
Alright. I can sort you out, though.
So Rupert is on a plane,
but I should still be able
to patch you through.
No, I just need one second
to figure out the best way to
Hello?
Oh, shit.
Rupert, hey!
It's Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
Jerry!
Hello.
Chris says you were
settling in well.
Oh, yeah. I'm having
How are you find
Sorry, um I'm having
How are you
It's I'm thrilled
How are
No, you go.
Pardon?
I said I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled.
What?
I think there's a delay.
Can you fix it?
(THUMP!)
Ow!
Yes, I'm on a plane. I'm
No, I see that.
Oh, now you're frozen.
It's a good look, but you're fro
(THUMP!)
Ow!
Jerry.
Yes?
Tell me, how are you
getting along with Chris?
Do you know she has
one hell of a reputation?
Does she? For sleeping around?
No.
For being good at her job.
No, right. Of course.
I was just wondering if she had
some kind of condition,
because I usually vibe
with all types of women.
Look, Jerry, we're about
to land in
Oh, you're back. Hello, champagne.
Do you mind if I conduct those?
What is it?
..the Cysec aptitude tests
that are scheduled for tomorrow?
I didn't quite catch any of that.
But I'm sure it'll be fine.
That's great. Great.
I was just saying that,
since I'll be running
the aptitude tests tomorrow,
which you just verbally agreed to,
I'm just bummed, you know?
I'm bummed that I won't be able
to take the test myself.
But I'll be sure to let Christine
know of this conversation, OK?
I think Tuesday.
Sounds good.
Have a lovely time in Syria.
Yeah, I think we're
That was dead easy.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
Is he an alcoholic?
Yes, he is.
Pardon?
Jerry?
I think you're frozen now.
Chris, I don't know what to say.
Rupert and I were just spitballing
about ways to freshen up the test
and - bam! - he put me in charge.
I hope you don't think
it was my idea.
If only he was reachable
to verify that.
And you're exempt, I presume?
Well, yeah.
I mean, if I'm going to be
overhauling the way
the tests are run,
I don't want to sway the results.
So I think I'd like
to start by timing
how quickly everyone
can get undressed
and then put all
their clothes back on again.
To test aptitude?
Yeah. Also, are you familiar
with the game sardines?
OK, so what I'd like to do
is a quick polygraph test.
What's that piece of crap?
It was just a backup.
I prefer the older models.
Do you mind if I touch your head?
Um Whereabouts?
Here and here.
Yes, that's fine.
Ow! Ow!
What's the problem?
I can't get these to stick down.
There's too much hair.
Well, can't you just take it off?
It's a wig, right?
No.
I'm happy to shave an area.
No, that won't be necessary.
Just Just hold them in place.
Not you!
Oh, sorry.
(WHISPERS) Sorry if my fingers
are a bit smelly.
Thank you, Quentin.
OK, so, Mary, we're going to start
by doing just a couple
of trial questions.
So
What is your full name?
Um Mary Fanny Needham.
So I've added a slight US vibe
to your standard APT test.
Can you just start bouncing up
and down on that for me?
What's? No, you put your feet
on that, on the bar.
Where are you going?
Uh, like that?
What are you doing?
OK, so now I'm going to call out
10 numbers and I want you
to repeat them back to me,
but in reverse order.
3, 0, 34, 9, 81, 4, 4 again,
53, 9, and 528.
Are you talking to me?
Come on, man!
Yes or no -
would you ever betray your country
for drugs, money or sex?
Sex.
(PANTING) 500, 9, 3, 4 again, 4
528,
9, 53,
4, 4, 81,
9, 34, 0, 3.
Well, I'll have to make sure
that that's correct.
It is.
4 320
(BLOWS HORN)
Argh!
Get up, we're going again.
Did you vote for Brexit?
I don't know. Who is that?
Ow! Ow! Ow, Jesus Christ!
Why do you keep hitting me?
I'm just testing your reflexes.
What was the name of your first pet?
Wolf.
That was the NAME of your pet? Wolf?
Yeah.
What What was your
Was it a wolf?
Yeah.
That's really cool.
How do you think I'm doing overall?
It's, like, I weirdly feel
I'm doing quite well.
Ow!
You know, you can try to hit me, too.
OK.
What the fuck?!
Sorry.
Would you ever sleep
with a coworker?
Oh, my God, that's so embarrassing
Maybe, I don't know, like,
an American
Sorry.
Would you ever sleep with
Yes. Mary.
Oh, fuck you!
Would you ever sleep
with a coworker?
I just came to clean the room.
What are you doing Friday?
(GRUNTS)
Would you ever sleep
with a coworker?
Of course not.
So that's not what
the machine is saying.
Oh, my God.
Is the person
you have feelings for
I don't have feelings for anyone.
..in this room?
This is a waste of time.
Wha!
Argh!
Sardines.
Hmm
Oh, Chris.
Of course, they used anthrax to kill
off all the rabbits in the "50s.
JOSEPH: That looks like my dad.
That would be annoying, wouldn't it,
if you found out
a family member was
A terrorist.
I know.
So what would you do
if they end up letting you go?
Oh, I'm sure I'll be fine. I
Well, I've always had this dream
of becoming a trumpet teacher.
Oh, that would be nice.
You play trumpet?
Oh, I'd have to learn first,
but, you know
Oh, Jerry, Jerry, how did
we all do? Are the results in?
I'm still calculating
everyone's scores.
But, Tuva, you should consider
coming to work for the NSA
with marks this high.
Mary, looks like YOU'RE safe.
Do you still need that urine sample?
Oh, God, yes.
Jerry, do you want one
from Mary and I as well?
No.
Please don't just sit there.
Go and find out when Rupert's back.
(SIGHS) Sure. I'll check with Pa.
Check with who, sorry?
Pa. Is that not her name?
His P.A.
It's pronounced P.A.
How can you not know that?
That's what YOU are.
Go away.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
You smell nice, Jerry.
Mm-hm.
Yes.
Hey, hon.
Please don't call me that.
So listen, about earlier.
I just wondered whether we should
keep your feelings for me secret.
If there was anything
to keep secret -
and I assure you there isn't -
the last person I would trust
with that information is you.
I understand why you might want
to deny it, but just so you know,
you're not the first.
To deny it?
At the NSA, about 80% of the staff
are attracted to me.
And that's just the people
we know about.
I'm not attracted to you, Jerry.
This isn't the war.
British women don't just drop
their bloomers for any G.I. spiv
with an accent and a Hershey bar.
Well, that's not what
your biometric data is showing.
I'd hate for this to get out
and embarrass you.
You and I both know
those machines are unreliable.
I know of only two real cases
where a polygraph
has given false readings,
and in both cases
they happened in films.
Well, it must be a mistake.
Then why are you so nervous
around me? Look at you.
There is no way I have feelings
A polygraph doesn't lie.
Well, there's only one way
to prove that.
Mm-hm.
You take it.
Ha!
I have no problem taking a polygraph.
Wait.
So how did I do in the end?
Are you still able to mark me up?
I don't know, I'll try, but
your score was really on the fence.
Oh, God. Which side?
OK, listen.
So I kind of painted myself
into a corner here.
I might need to cue you
at certain times in the testing,
just to
What do you mean?
Well, it doesn't matter.
What do you mean, "cue you"?
Sh
What's Joseph doing here?
Yeah, I'd like
an impartial adjudicator on this.
Someone who lacks the mental capacity
to skew the results.
Fair enough. Should be fun.
You ready?
Nearly.
Hurgh!
Are you Are you alright?
Yeah.
Oh, I have a little twitch
that comes out once in a while.
It's nothing. Hurgh!
Um, Chris do you want me to run
through a few trial questions first,
to make sure
the equipment's working?
Hurgh!
Yes.
You alright?
Yeah.
Ahem.
Uh, so, answering yes or no,
what is your favourite film?
The Greatest Showman.
Have you ever taken
any illegal substances?
No. Hurgh!
Uh, there was one time at the NSA
when I had to sniff a work surface,
but it turned out the entire
work surface was covered in crack.
Yeah, that seems to be working fine.
Great. Shall we begin?
Mm, hold on. Just let me
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES)
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Two months ago
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen, I really think
it's only fair
if all the questions
come from Joseph.
OK, how many legs have you got?
No. You don't
have to create the questions.
They just have to come from you.
Oh.
Two. Two.
Yeah.
What does that say?
Redacted.
OK. Ahem.
"Two months ago,
GCHQ intercepted a"
Redacted.
Redacted. Jesus.
Sorry.
"file from the Oval Office
implying a cover-up within the NSA.
"Yes or no -
were you aware of such a cover-up?"
Hurgh!
No.
It says lie.
What the fuck?!
I mean, move on. That didn't count.
Ask another question.
Um, what's a tampon?
Not Not you! One of her
Sorry.
"Despite requesting upgraded access
to your internal file at the NSA,
"it still comes up as classified.
"Why?"
Oh, thank I don't know.
"However, when speaking with several
senior figures at the NSA,
"it seems your move over to GCHQ
was more to do with damage control.
"Why might that be?"
Can we take a break?
Yeah.
No.
I think I might sneeze, actually.
Um, and I don't want it
to affect the test.
Fine. I'll wait.
I might be a minute.
(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)
(ANNOYED) What, Evelyn?
Why are you in Asda?
Put this on your thumb.
What was all that about?
Take it. Put it on
your fucking thumb!
No, I don't want to be part of
Hey!
You want me to say
you passed the test?
Did I not pass?
Are you kidding?
Jesus
Put in on your fucking thumb!
Ow!
This is ridiculous.
I agree with you.
Let's just get on with this.
Answering yes or no -
were you disgraced at the NSA
and forced
to take the position here?
No. Sorry.
I
No.
Have you always had two heartbeats?
Yes, I had a twin,
but I absorbed him.
Oh, for God's sake.
Joseph, leave the room, please.
That's hardly fair.
Joseph.
Go now.
(WHISPERS) What do you want me
to do?
(WHISPERS) Just leave it
Don't give it Don't hand it
Come on, she won't
What is this?!
I
Just get out!
Get out! Sir!
Sorry.
(SCOFFS)
Let's try that again.
Ah
Ready?
Mm-hm.
Answering yes or no.
"Were you dis"
Hurgh!
"Were you disgraced at the N?"
"Were you disgraced at the NSA
and forced to take
the position here?
No.
Motherfu Hurgh!
Hurgh!
OK.
So, this is obviously not an ideal
situation for either of us.
Uh-uh.
On the other hand, this equipment
is notorious
for acting up isn't it?
Mm-hm.
Maybe I should ask Rupert to take
another look at this
when we're not so stretched.
I think that is a great idea.
Just between us, I was right, huh?
You DO have feelings for me.
I guess we'll never know.
I promise I wasn't earwigging,
but just to be clear,
are we writing off
that whole set of tests?
Yes, it would seem so.
You're off the hook for now.
Oh, hallelujah.
For now.
So in love with me.
Really?
Sad!
Oh, Uma. Hi!
Hi.
Just going to, uh, empty the bin.
Oh, no, no.
Let me.
It's OK.
Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Sorry.
Sorry.
There are bad times
just around the corner
There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky
It's as clear as crystal
from Bridlington to Bristol
That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care
We'd better all learn
the lyrics of the old Red Flag ♪