It's a Date (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Hello, I'm Gwen Proctor.
I'm fifty two.
I think I'm fun and I like people who like to have fun.
I guess everybody says that, don't they? I like cooking.
Not anything fancy.
I'd enjoy having someone cook for me.
Not that cooking would be essential.
Like, you know, if you can barbecue a chop, ah, that would be good.
In the end, I'm just looking for a good bloke.
Carpe diem.
Seize the day.
Do you know what language that is, James? English? Yeah, 'seize the day' is English but carpe diem.
Do you know what language that is? Latin, James.
It's Latin.
My first name is Rex.
Do you know what 'Rex' translates to in Latin? Um, 'skateboard'? King.
In Latin, my name would be King King.
Funny, isn't it? What you've done is very serious and I would be remiss in my duties if I It's her! Um, we'll let it go this time.
Come on, James.
Come on, James.
Back to class.
Rex King speaking.
I'm sorry you're offended but Pat McCock's not a real person.
No, it's a No, you're not on air right now.
No, I can't put you on air right I'm doing it.
Can you hold for a second? No way.
The black dude? You horny bitch.
Why not? Because there are psychos all over those online sites.
I'm coming.
No! I'll hide in the corner.
Seriously, I'm coming.
That would be weird, Cynth.
Anyway, just have your phone on you and I'll give you a rescue call so if this dude has rape eyes, you take the call and bail.
Rape eyes? Yeah, you know.
I have never seen a guy do that before.
Well, hopefully you never do.
Now as far as parking goes, yeah, I'll send you a map of the area.
Are you on the Google? Why would I be parking? Surely you're picking me up.
Oh, right.
Yeah it's been a while.
It's a bit terrifying, isn't it? Is it? Why is that? Oh, just making conversation.
Y-You know, using words.
To fill in the spaces.
Got a bit warm today, didn't it? Well, let's not waste all the hot conversation topics now.
We'll have nothing to talk about at dinner.
Right, well, I'll pick you up around seven.
Do you mean around seven or at seven? Let's make it at seven.
OK.
Good.
Seven sharp.
It's a date.
Maybe you should buy a Taser.
It's been three months on RSVP.
We've connected.
He's bona fide.
Boner fide.
I have a good sense for these things.
And besides, I was in a shitty relationship for six years.
I want to be spontaneous.
And dating a black guy from the Internet is something I've never done before.
You do know he's not actually from the Internet.
Like, he doesn't live in the Internet.
He lives in California.
Well, where's he taking you? Sazzario's.
Sazzario's? Fucking fancy.
I know.
I've always wanted to go to Sazzario's.
I'm doing it.
I'm replying and you can't stop me.
What are you gonna write? Oh, bloody hell.
There's a special deal on.
Second pack for an extra dollar.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Ribbed, studded or extra thin for her pleasure? Uh, thin ones I guess.
Comes with lube too.
Yeah, alright.
Just flowers for my lady.
Classy.
Rex? Last time I checked.
And, ah, you'd be Gwen.
I was getting worried.
Go the long way, did you? Whoa, and we're racing.
You really shouldn't have.
We did say seven, didn't we? Yeah, I Yes.
Kevin? Oh! Hello! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
May I be of some assistance? Yes.
A table under Nash.
Thank you.
This way.
I'm really sorry.
Do you think they have any idea what's in store for them? Oh, they probably just think there's something fishy going on.
Uh, good thing we booked.
This place fills up pretty quickly.
A good park too.
Ah, Mr Rex.
Oh, here comes trouble.
King King.
Oh, there's somebody who knows his Latin.
Are you alright, sir? Uh, I had a booking under Nash.
Excellent.
For a moment there I thought you were having a stroke.
I'm just a little nervous.
We don't allow hats in the dining room.
Oh, you do know this is a fashion hat? We don't allow hats in the dining room, sir, even if it is a fashion hat.
Be honest.
How severe is my hat hair? So who was lazy Susan and why did they name these things after her? Can I say something? The Republic of Rex is a democracy.
OK.
We're not getting any younger.
My baby boy lost the last of his demerit points last week.
We're getting closer to the end than we are the beginning.
Come on, Gwen, they say 60's the new 40.
Oh, nobody says that.
They don't make movies for us and they certainly don't make TV shows for us.
I quite like Glee.
If only some of my students were half that tal Rex, I think it would be great if we started out by laying everything on the table.
Be as honest as we can.
Cut through the bullshit.
Alright, well, if I'm being honest, I'm starving.
I could eat the crutch out of a low flying lemon duck.
I don't want to get to the fifth date and find out you're some sort of control freak.
Or a sex addicted terrorist.
And you should know who I am.
For all you know, I'm the sex addict.
Oh-ho! Jackpot.
I'm not, but I could be.
Don't laugh but I've made a list.
Number one - do you watch pornographic films? A-are you ready to order or do you want to answer the porno question first? Oh, hello.
Um, some water would be lovely.
Um, some sparkling, please.
Or still? I'm I'm Kevin.
I'm Kevin.
You must be Imogen.
You look a little different in person.
This is a joke.
This is This is a joke, yeah? Are Twattsie and the Pig behind this? I'm afraid not.
You're not Kevin.
Kevin looks different.
I know I look different.
It's it's the hat hair.
Hat hair? What about not being black? Oh, the photo.
Um, we all look different in photos.
Your hair was a little shorter, I was black.
Where do you see yourself in ten years? Oh, no, no, no, no, you have lured me here under false pretences.
I can't believe I was so stupid.
Please don't go.
We're at Sazzario's.
You lied to me.
I may have lied about a few things, but I had to.
Well, if you knew I was coming, you wouldn't have come.
You don't know that for sure.
Lucky guess, then.
I'm sorry, I just can't.
It's all a little too weird.
And your, um, your nose is bleeding.
Oh, I'm sorry, it tends to bleed in confronting situations.
Put your head back.
At university, I had a lesbian relationship for two weeks with a girl from Wagga Wagga.
Imagine if I came from Wagga Wagga.
I'd be King King from Wagga Wagga.
What are you talking about? Well Most men would want to know about a lady's lesbian experience.
Yeah Do not make this about Wagga Wagga.
At the end of this dinner, I want you to know everything significant about me and vice versa.
I'm sorry, it's just a pretty confronting conversational topic.
You know, I I hope you're hungry.
Uh-oh, duck! He does that joke every time.
Well, maybe not every time.
Uh, most times you do.
Enjoy.
OK.
I'm going to order their most expensive meal on the menu followed by the most expensive dessert and I'm going to order the most expensive bottle of champagne and you will pay.
Sure.
All on Kevin.
Order whatever you like.
Remember, though, the most expensive meals aren't always the best.
Excuse me, can you please tell me where the best place to get phone reception is in here? Oh, and also the most expensive bottle of champagne, thanks.
Certainly, madam.
And sir? Uh, do you have Coke? I'll take one.
A big one.
Why not? Well, isn't that the best lemon duck in the world? What'd I tell you? It shouldn't work but it does.
Mm, it's not too bad.
Mmm.
So, um what else have you got down on your not so little list? Uh Have you ever committed a crime? Yeah.
Really? I just got out of jail yesterday for being far too handsome.
Righty-oh.
No, actually, I did get arrested once for public urination.
Lovely.
Well, in my defence, it was pretty late at night and I was desperate for, you know, to have a wee.
Wow.
That is an amazing story.
Must be a pretty important phone call.
Yeah.
My best friend.
She's pregnant and her boyfriend's left her to a pole dancer.
Wow.
And her parents are on a kibbutz.
Yikes.
And I'm the birth partner, so she's really relying on me.
So if the phone rings, I'll probably have to shoot out of here straightaway.
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, what an honour to be a birth partner.
Mmm.
She must be your best friend.
Mm, she is.
What about you? You got a best friend or? Ah, good question.
Conversation flowing.
Um, pretty hard to pinpoint exactly who my best friend would be.
Obviously, there's work friends and school buddies.
My neighbour, Frank, he's a great guy.
He's 67 but really active.
Could easily be 58.
I dye my hair.
I crimped my hair once.
I'm actually 56.
I'm actually 64.
I told people I'd read the Da Vinci Code but I hadn't.
I just saw the movie.
I went to a buck's party once and I gave the stripper my home phone number.
I have a recurring sexual dream about me and Wayne Swan.
I took Viagra about a month ago.
I was home alone watching MasterChef.
Just wanted to see what it'd do.
I'm twice divorced.
So am I.
And those flowers I gave you They were from the servo, weren't they? Yes, they were.
It was the good servo.
Excuse me.
Hi.
My husband and I are leaving but we just wanted to come and say hello to your boyfriend, Kevin.
He's your boyfriend? Um, no.
But it is Kevin Nash, isn't it? Yes.
Come on, let's leave the poor girl alone.
Oh, it's OK, we're just talking, aren't we, darl? No, it's fine.
Sorry, how do you know Kevin? Those are very hip.
We were just talking about you.
All good, I hope? Yeah.
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm Kevin.
Oh, we know who you are, Dr Nash.
We just wanted to say we came to the fundraiser and we loved your speech.
It was just so inspiring.
How exciting, some of the breakthroughs and Oh, thank you.
Oh, and then the song that the other doctors did.
That little comedy skit.
How'd it go? Do the Nash, do the Dr Nash! We still sing that all the time.
We do.
People think we're crazy.
Yeah, they do.
We don't care.
No, we don't.
He's the most incredible man, isn't he? Yes, yes, he is.
You're not telling her anything she hasn't already heard.
This is We should leave them They're sizzling.
It's very good.
Do the Nash! Do the Dr Nash! I didn't understand the purse.
Nice people.
Kevin? Yes.
What exactly do you do? It's boring.
Yawn.
You must get so many free CDs.
I will leave if you don't tell me exactly what you do for a living.
I'm a medical researcher.
A medical researcher.
They called you Dr Nash.
I have a PhD.
Call the boring police 'cause Kevin Nash is talking about work again.
What sort of research? Alzheimer's.
We're researching Alzheimer's.
And I think we're pretty close to something significant.
I'm rambling.
It's No, that's It's amazing.
What a wonderful thing to do.
One more question.
Oh, no, no.
I can't ask that.
How embarrassing.
No more questions.
Interrogation's over.
You've passed.
Oh, no, no, come on.
Ask the question.
100% pure honesty, that's what we said.
Although by now, I don't think there's anything about me you don't know and I will fax the blood test results.
Go on.
Were you planning to have intimate relations with me tonight? I did stop and buy some frangers on the way.
That's why I was a bit late.
Frangers? Yeah, condoms.
Oh, we called them Frenchies.
Oh, la dee dah! French letters.
There's too many choices.
I know.
Ribbed, flavoured, glow in the dark.
Glow in the dark? Mm.
What do they think we're doing, landing an aircraft? Actually, I have a question.
Mm? Oh, yes, they're real.
Ah, why why didn't your marriages work? What was the question? Your marriages.
What happened? Uh, well, my first husband passed away which was terribly difficult.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, it's fine.
It's all been dealt with.
And your second? Uh, my second.
My second.
My husband left me.
There was someone else.
Bastard.
I slept with someone else.
It was a once-off thing, an old boyfriend.
It didn't mean anything.
I don't even know why it happened.
But Joe couldn't get over it and so he threw away 12 years of a pretty decent marriage.
And you? How did you manage to? Both my wives shot through with other blokes.
So I lost two wives, two houses, two cars a shitload of Christmases.
I'll just Sorry, I'll be right back.
Oh, Jesus.
Why out of all the things you could have made up, did you tell me you were a windsurfer? People seem more impressed by sporting pursuits.
Test tubes and lab rats, not so much.
Fagpants! Oh! Brent Daniels.
Imogen, this is an old friend I went to school with, Brent Daniels.
He was school captain.
This is Imogen Mills.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh, no, surely this isn't a date? 'Cause this here is a very beautiful woman, a very beautiful woman indeed, and we all know about Fagpants' lifestyle choice.
Fagpants is gay! It's not true.
It is.
That's why we call you Fagpants, Fagpants.
You're the only one who calls me that.
Ah, you kissed that exchange student from China.
Japan.
And it wasn't like a gay thing.
Looked pretty gay to me.
No.
Look, Imogen, Brent thought it'd be funny to get me and What was his name again? Haiko.
His name was Haiko.
Brent and his mates thought it'd be funny at the school swimming carnival to force Haiko and I to To kiss.
Call me Cupid.
From memory, you guys kissed on the lips.
They were holding our heads and necks.
I tried to turn my head but they made us kiss.
Pretty funny, I guess.
Didn't you guys end up going out for, like, ages? No, his parents came and took him back to Japan after he drank half a bottle of Toilet Duck.
Who drinks half a bottle of Toilet Duck? Toilet Duck is for toilets, not for people.
What a gay Toilet Duck spaz.
Just gay.
Kevin's not gay.
Oh, he's gay.
You wouldn't say that if you saw us last night.
And seeing as you are so interested in Kevin's sexual activity, you might like to hear what I plan to do to him and with him after we leave this restaurant.
Ah, I don't know Yeah, go on.
Well, first of all, I don't like to waste time, so I'm gonna smoke it for as long as Kevin wants me to.
And then I'm gonna stick my tongue into every orifice of that gorgeous ginger wonderland.
And then when I'm done doing that, I'm gonna smoke it again.
I should probably get back.
Um And after my smoko has ended, I'm gonna ride that stallion like it's Black Caviar's last race of the spring.
There's gonna be whips, mirrors, ropes, swings, oils, toys.
Oh, and if she's in town, my twin sister.
And I'm gonna film it so that we can watch it back in bed, just the three of us all sweaty and naked.
Oh, and Brent? You've got rape eyes.
Oh, you OK? Do you really have a twin sister? Sorry about that, love.
Just had to go and have a tinkle.
Well, I told you about my dicky bladder.
Rex, if I could just explain I always thought I was the missing Chappell brother, you know? I always thought there was some great big misunderstanding.
Greg, Trevor, Ian and Rex.
Thought it was all just a matter of time before I donned the baggy green.
Ended up teaching a bunch of pimply You're talking about cricket, aren't you? Ah I know it takes more than one person to bugger up a marriage.
Oh, I regret what I did every day.
I was lonely at the time.
Sorry, excuse me.
Would you two like dessert? Um, I think we're done.
Oh, no worries.
And I will grab the lemon duck in a doggy bag.
Skipping dessert.
Your place or mine? Look, I'm not judging you.
But our histories are too much at odds with each other.
I just don't think I could go through all that again.
But what about the Frenchies? How's the bathroom? D-doesn't matter.
Sorry.
Kevin, um, I've actually had a really a really great night.
Me too.
It's been great.
But, um, I'm not completely sure that, well, that we're compatible.
No, of course, I know.
It was just good to finally catch up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was, ah, that was pretty funny that thing you said to Brent.
What'd you say again? I said I was going to smoke it.
That's right.
Yeah, what was the orifice thing? Oh, I think that'll come back to you, Kevin.
Doesn't matter.
But hopefully.
Just want to get the wording right.
I should fix up the bill.
It's OK.
I sorted it.
What, you paid? Yes.
No, no, I was going to pay.
Give me your BSB and account number It's OK, Kevin.
Kevin, you get the next one.
The next one? Yeah.
You get the next one.
So one friend gets one, one friend gets the next one.
Yeah.
What a great system.
OK.
Oh, sure.
Goodbye, Kevin.
See ya.
Is everything OK, sir? That was bloody awesome.
I can't believe we stayed together for the lemon duck.
Best lemon duck in the world, if you don't mind.
Oh, for God's sake.
Look, it's surprising and exciting and, you know, pretty bloody funny.
I'm a stand-up comedian.
Maybe I could come to your place? You can cook for me.
We should do a double act.
No.
Dad, please don't.
I'm sorry it's been such a terrible experience for you.
Now I need to go and shake the snake.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here? Is this your girlfriend? S-shut up.
Yeah, I saved you.
Your girlfriend still owes me five bucks! She's not my girlfriend!