It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s01e02 Episode Script

No, dude.
It's not It's not a question of individual style.
It's about having some taste.
You're attacking my ability to express myself, dude.
How am I attacking your ability to I just don't get it.
What's not to get? "Come to Philly for the crack.
" - It has a picture of the Liberty Bell on it.
- Yeah, but - It's funny and original.
- It's not fun How is it funny and original? Every asshole on South Street's wearing a T-shirt with an ironic slogan on it.
Well, excuse me if all my T-shirts don't have a little guy playing polo on the lapel.
You cut the sleeves off of all your T-shirts.
What, so you can show off your tats? Those are really original, dude.
- They're tribal.
- Oh, they're trib I'm sorry.
What tribe are you from? - What? Is it, like, an Indian tribe or - Okay, okay, okay.
- You guys gonna let me in this game or what? - No.
You're the ref.
- I don't want to ref anymore.
I'd like to play, so - You're an excellent ref.
- You're a very good ref.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm a great ref.
I'd like to play the game now.
- Are you gonna get mad? You gonna turn into the mad munchkin? - What's the ma - Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie? - Do you? Hey, Charlie.
- That's a mad munchkin dance? Oh, okay.
This is what we do? - I need to talk to you.
It's about our son! Nobody wants to hear that.
- So, wait, she's sayin'this is your son? - I don't know.
- Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me, Charlie.
- I know! I know it.
There's, like, no way that this is possible.
- Well, did you have sex with her? - Yeah.
Okay.
Did you use birth control? - Oh, Dee, we went to Catholic school, so - Okay.
You're allowed to have premarital sex, but you're not allowed to use birth control? No.
All right.
You're twisting words here and, like, gettin' cute.
When did she have this kid? - It's been, like, 10 years since I've even seen her, so - Ten years? - What does she want? - Well, that's that's the weird thing.
She doesn't want money or anything.
She just wants me to meet him.
- Are you gonna do it? - No.
Well, dude, you gotta meet the kid.
I mean, you gotta find out for sure.
Yeah, I guess.
It's just I mean, I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know? - Like be there for him? - No.
Get her an abortion.
So you're not allowed to use birth control, but abortions are no problem? All right.
Okay.
So now you're, like, a word genius.
And everything I say, you twist it around and make me look dumb.
Charlie's right though.
He should have at least had a say in the matter.
- It's her body, and it's her decision.
- No, I'm sorry.
It's not just her decision.
The man should get a vote.
- Okay.
Well, ultimately it's her choice.
- It is not just her choice.
It's nobody's choice.
It should be left up to God.
Is he Is that Are you joking? No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis, Book Two, Verse Three? "And he breathed into the nostrils of Adam on the first day.
And it was good.
" Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
You're making an asshole out of yourself.
Dude, you need to get a blood test, okay? - I remember Stacy Corvelli.
She was a slut.
- You're right.
You're right.
Uh, Mac, what's God's stance on blood tests? Hmm.
I don't know.
I'd have to check.
All right, you feeling good? No.
I feel nauseous.
I think I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna run.
- No, no, no.
It's - I should go.
- Hi.
Hey, Charlie.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- You brought your, uh Uh, Dennis Reynolds.
We didn't get a chance to talk before, but I remember you.
Yeah.
- You went to St.
Giles? - I did.
Yeah.
- Ah.
- With Yeah.
So you two are together now, or - No.
- No.
No.
- No.
I'm just here for moral support.
- Yeah, we're not That's not even a - I brought him along.
- Yeah.
- So - All right.
Come on in.
I'm real glad you decided to do this, Charlie.
Yeah.
Well, uh, you know, it's the least I could do, so Yeah.
Sorry I don't have a lot of time.
I gotta get to work.
Uh, Tommy, come on in here, Son! What do you want, Mom? He's a bit of a handful.
Uh, Charlie and his friend are here.
So goddamn what? Tommy, come in here, please! This is bullshit.
- Whoa! - Language, please.
- Which one of you fags is supposed to be my dad? - Whoa, hello.
- Right off the bat with the - Yeah.
Tommy, be nice.
Huh? This is Charlie.
Are you serious? This is the guy? What's that What's that supposed to mean, buddy? Okay.
Well, I should be home around 8:00.
Uh, what do you guys have planned? - Uh, I thought we'd go to the park.
- Huh.
That sounds nice.
- Wanna go to the park, Tommy? - I don't care.
Okay.
That's great.
Bye, sweetie.
Have fun, boys.
I'm not goin' to the park.
No shit.
What is this place? Uh, this is a place where we're gonna go see a special friend of mine.
- Why? - 'Cause he's gonna help us figure something very important out.
- It's gonna be good to know.
- Why? - Because I said so.
No more questions, okay, buddy? - Why? - Stop saying "why.
" - Why? - Stop it.
I don't like this game.
- Why? Why? - Is this a game? This is your game? - Why? Why? Hey, pretty boy.
What you here for? My friend's gettin' a blood test.
Your boyfriend? No.
He's not my He's not my boyfriend.
He got Al DS? I don't I don't think so.
- Do you? - No, I don't.
I'll blow you for $10.
You know what? Let me consult some of this free literature they got here regarding that proposition.
Oh.
You know what? According to this, that's not really a good idea.
So I'm gonna have to pass.
But thanks.
I appreciate it.
Really nice of you.
- He's playin' mind games, dude.
- I wanna leave.
- Hey, it's tough.
- What are we doin' here? Don't answer that.
It's a trick question.
He tries to get in your head.
- It's a little game he plays.
- No, let let me answer the question.
See, we're at a free clinic, Tommy.
Charlie doesn't have health insurance.
See this lady back here? Take a look.
That's what you get when you don't have health insurance.
- I wanna go to the mall! - Keep your voice down.
- I wanna go to the mall! - Keep your voice - I wanna go to the mall! - Stop yelling - I wanna go to the - Stop your yelling.
We need to Ow! - He's biting my hand! He's biting my hand! - Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Sacred Right.
It's a child, not a choice.
Mm-hmm.
All righty.
I'll make sure he gets the message.
Thank you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So I was having an argument with some friends the other day.
- Uh-huh.
And I was wondering if you could help me out with some information.
- Are you interested in joining our cause? - No.
No.
Actually, just looking for some info on the Bible, Jesus, that kind of thing.
- Well, if you join our mailing list, the reverend - Okay, listen to me.
I don't really wanna join your little freak show.
Just looking for some information.
So if you could point me in the right direction, that'd be great.
- Well, we have some literature - Great.
Thank you.
Thanks.
On the display back by the water cooler.
Oh, mama.
- Hey, there.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, are you here to sign up for the rally? - Yes, I am.
- Great.
- Yeah, real excited about the rally.
- We're gonna kick ass this time.
Well, I'm ready to kick somebody's ass, I'll tell you what.
I hate those bastards.
Wow! That's - Uh, hate's a very strong word.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, let me tell you something, Megan.
I hate dead baby fetuses, you know? I hate them because they're dead, and they shouldn't be.
They should be alive, and they should be loved.
Oh! Wow! - You just You seem really passionate.
- Yeah.
More than you know.
- Nice kid, Charlie.
- What the hell do you think is wrong with that kid? You've gotta get that blood test, dude.
- Die! Die! Die! - No! Hey! Whoa, Tommy! No! No! No! No! Give me the stick! Give me the stick! Come on! This place sucks! I wanna go to the mall! - We can't go to the mall, all right? - Shut up! I'm the boss of you! - You're not the boss of me! - I am the boss! I wanna go to the mall! - I'll show you who's the boss of who.
- Let's go to the mall! - You wanna go to the mall? - I wanna go to the mall! You could ask nice.
Dennis, let's go.
We're goin' to the mall.
- I'm not spending any more time with that kid.
- Come on, dude! Fine.
Great.
Dee Dee, will you just Can we go to the mall? Will you drive me? - I guess, if Dennis watches the bar.
- That's fine.
Great.
Fine.
Thank you.
- You're ugly.
- You're ugly.
- You're ugly! - You are the one that's ugly! Charlie! Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old? - Yes! - You have to buy me a toy! - I don't have to buy you shit.
- If you don't buy me anything I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black people's house.
- Okay.
- Wow! Oh, my God, that's racist.
What do you say to that? - I don't say anything.
- You still have to buy me a toy! Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours? Oh, I don't know.
I'll probably, uh, kill myself.
Whoa! Isn't that your waitress from the coffee shop? Cool.
Stewie.
- Oh, my God.
- Go talk to her.
- What? No.
- Come on.
Go talk to her.
- No, dude.
- You've been in love with this girl forever.
I know that.
You know what? Come with me and pretend you're my girlfriend.
- It'll make her jealous.
- No.
I won't do that.
- Come on.
It's gonna work.
- No.
No, it's not.
- All right.
Come stand next to me then.
- Why? - So she doesn't think I'm creepy.
- Well, you are creepy.
- I realize this.
That's why I need you.
- All right.
Let's go.
- Thank you.
- Stop sweating.
Then we can grab him if you like him, okay? Hey.
Fancy seeing you here.
Oh.
Hello, Charlie.
Buying toys, are you? Yeah.
- Cool.
This is my, uh - Friend.
We're good friends.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Is that cute little girl your - I'm her big sister.
Oh.
Hmm, that's weird.
She looks Mexican.
She is Mexican.
It's the Big Sister program.
She's not my real little sister.
That is such a coincidence.
That's exactly what we're here doing.
- What? - Yeah.
Do you see that, um adorable little guy over there? That's Charlie's little brother.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- No way.
You're involved in the program? Yeah! Well, that's I didn't know you were involved in the program.
- I love the program! - It's one of his favorite programs.
- Yeah.
I've I've been in the program since - A long time now.
I guess you're gonna be going to the picnic then at Fairmount Park.
- Right.
- Saturday? - Saturday.
- Yeah.
Are you there? Are you goin'? Are you gonna be there? - I will be there on Saturday, yes.
- Great.
- Maybe we'll see you there.
- Maybe.
Or you know what? - Or maybe we could carpool.
You know what I mean? - Carpool? Yeah.
Well, come on.
Think about it.
We'll save the environment.
- We'll team up.
It'll be good.
- This is smart.
Reduce, reuse, recycle.
- You should do it.
- The kids will love it.
The kids He loves Mexicans.
All right.
- Sure.
Let's do it.
- Oh! - Okay.
Yeah.
- Great.
- Great.
Okay, well - Nice to meet you too.
I'll see you.
- I gotta go get my little sister.
Okay, bye.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
- You're still pretty sweaty.
Baby killer! Baby killer! Baby killer! You bastards are gonna burn in hell! Abortion is murder! It's a child, not a choice! Pro-choice is pro-death! Wow! Great rhetoric.
- Thank you.
- Hey, you're really hard-core, aren't you? Oh, well, you know.
I mean, if you really wanna see hard-core - What's this? - That's the list of doctors I'm gonna kill.
- There's two already crossed out.
- Yeah, I know.
- So you really had a good time, huh? - Yeah.
We had a blast.
- Hmm.
He didn't give you any problems? - No.
Not a single problem.
Uh, listen, I was thinking maybe I could take him out this Saturday? - Really? - Yeah, sure.
I'd pick him up at, like, 8:00? You know, do the father-son thing.
Are you all right? Is that gonna be okay? Because I could really use use him.
- Goddamn it! - I'm sorry.
Is everything all right? I can't do this! Tommy's not your son.
- What? - RememberJimmy Doyle from high school? That son of a bitch is Tommy's real father.
He left me six months ago.
- You know what a nightmare it's been since he left? - I don't care.
- I can't raise Tommy alone.
- I don't care! You thought you'd just pawn your son off on me? What else? I thought I could find him a better role model than that piece of shit! Stop talking! Wait.
Let me think.
God! All right.
So can I still take him out on Saturday? - Yeah.
- Great.
- That's pretty thin.
That might be too thin.
- Hey-oh! - Hey, Mac.
Where you been? - Oh, I don't know.
Saving humanity.
- Are you still on this kick, dude? - Yeah, you know, Den I was thinking what you were saying the other day about the T-shirts with the stupid slogans on them.
And I was wondering what you think about this? Huh, bitch? Yeah! Is that stupid enough for you? You're not seriously wearing that, are you? You look ridiculous.
- Whatever, dude.
- You know, that's the problem with you antiabortionists.
You cry about the sanctity of life, and then you wear a shirt like that.
- I'm not listening to you.
- Aren't you right-wingers all about the death penalty too? - Does that not involve killing somebody? - Right, right, right.
And you liberals are against killing murderers.
But you're for killing innocent babies.
That's interesting.
- Yeah.
We like to kill babies.
- You guys are taking this way too seriously.
Den, you don't understand the week I've been having.
I met a girl at one of these organizations who is a freak.
She is the dirtiest chick I've met in my life.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
You gotta come with me to one of these rallies.
They're having another one on Saturday.
These chicks are everywhere.
- I can jump on board with that.
- Yeah! Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid? I don't really have any convictions.
Where is this rally being held? Uh, Planned Parenthood, Bryn Mawr Medical Center.
Well, I'm gonna go.
At least one pro-choice voice is gonna be heard.
One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.
- Which side had more? - Oh, which one do you think? The one that cares about protecting women's bodies or the one that's run by the religious right? Probably the side you're goin' to.
I'm gonna fight for the right to choose.
You're a scumbag, Dennis.
- Today's a big day for me, Tommy.
- Why? Well, today is probably the best chance I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl.
So, uh, look at me for a second, pal.
Okay, do me a favor.
If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything that you want, anything in the world, all right? Oh, my God! I will smash your face into a into a jelly! Wrong key.
Keep abortion legal! Keep abortion legal! Stop abortion now! Stop abortion now! This is crazy.
Yeah, weird.
People actually care about women's bodies.
You believe that? Yeah.
I think Mac picked the wrong side.
- There's, like, no dudes here.
- Gross.
You know what? Uh, give me a second here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I like your look.
- Excuse me? I like the whole hippie thing.
It really works for you.
- Get lost, breeder.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Mmm.
- I love the smell of protest in the morning.
- What? I was quoting that movie, you know, Apocalypse Now.
"Napalm in the morning.
" - Is that the new Mel Gibson movie? - No.
Did you see Passion of the Christ? I saw it 12 times.
Okay.
You know, you really shouldn't joke about the Apocalypse.
So just fill these out.
We'll get your information in the mail.
Thanks.
"Keep your laws" I like your T-shirt.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Where do I sign? - Right here.
- Love T-shirts like that.
Right.
So, do you come to these kind of things often, or Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally? Yeah, I You know what? I think all these chicks are gay.
Yeah, I don't know that they're gay.
I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
That sucks for me.
Hello.
Hey, Mac.
It's Dennis.
Uh, look, man, there's no talent over here.
What's the deal over there? Oh, yeah.
We're lookin' real good over here, bro.
- What do you think? - Hop the fence and come over.
All right.
I'll see you in a second.
Later, gator.
All right, Megan.
I'm finished.
You are a genius.
Hey, Sis.
I'm gonna jet.
- You're leaving? - Uh, this side sucks.
I'm gonna try my luck over there.
- Are you kidding me? - Later, tater.
Dennis, you are such a jackass! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Can I get by here? Thanks.
I just I really love that sign.
I wondered that so many times.
Hey, there's a guy on the fence.
Hey! Hey! They're coming after us! - No.
They're not coming after us.
- I'll show you what we do to them.
How's your aim? Pretty good.
But I don't think that's such a good idea.
- I don't think - Hey, it's okay.
These people deserve this.
Yeah.
He looks like he deserves it.
Maybe just one.
Oh! Ow! Yeah! Come on! Get your eggs, people! - Oh, my God! - Ow! - Shit! They're throwing eggs! - They did this last time.
I came prepared.
Oh.
Hey, Dennis! How's the action over there, buddy? - What? What the hell are you doing? - Oh! They're coming - Now they're coming back.
- Die! - Hey! - Hot chicks on that side, Dennis? You're gonna burn in hell! Stop! Stop! Stop! Hey, guess what.
I have a surprise for you.
- What? - It's a real miracle.
- What is it? - I'm pregnant! What? I'm pregnant! You gotta get an abortion.
- Megan, wait, wait, wait! - Stop talking to me! Well, listen, I just think our situation is different.
- How is our situation different? - Well, because I didn't mean to get you pregnant.
- It was an accident.
- You are so pathetic.
You can't have this kid.
I'm way too young, and I have a little bit of an alcohol problem - Save it! I'm not pregnant! - What? I'm not pregnant.
It was a test.
I just thought for, like, one second that you might be the one.
I just had to know for sure.
Wait a second! So you're not pregnant? - No.
- And this was a test? - Yeah.
- And I failed? Have a nice life, asshole.
No! Wait Wait Wait a second! Wait! Oh.
Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! - Where the hell have you been? You said 11:30, dude! - I don't wanna talk about it.
That waitress is picking me up any minute! I was ready to shut down the bar! - What is that kid doin' here? - I'm taking him to the Big Brother-Big Sister thing.
- Get him out of here, Charlie.
- I'm getting picked up any minute! Will you relax? - I told you, I don't want kids in the bar! - Dude, what is up your ass? - You You are out! Whoa, dude! This kid reeks of booze! No, no, no, no, no.
Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.
- Yeah.
- How could you let this happen? I was the only one bartending! He must have been takin' sips out of people's beers.
- All right.
Brew some coffee.
- You can't give him coffee! - Let go of that! Let go of that! - Get him out of here, Charlie! Charlie! Okay, here we go! Fresh air! Have a seat! Sit down! Fresh air! - You suck! - You suck, all right? Breathe it in.
Fresh air now.
- You suck and you have an ugly face! - You suck! You have an ugly face, okay? You try and push people's buttons all the time! And you get in their head, and you drive them crazy! - Maybe that's why you don't have a dad anymore! - Oh, my God! - What are you doing? - I'm drunk.
- He's drunk? - He's not drunk.
- I am drunk! - You're not drunk.
- He sounds drunk.
- I am drunk! You're not drunk! Stop saying that! He's fine.
- Jimmy Doyle! - Yeah? - Charlie Kelly.
- Yeah? - From high school.
- Oh, yeah.
I didn't recognize you without all your acne.
Yeah.
- All right, listen, I need to talk to you about your kid.
- Why? - Uh, let's see.
Because your kid has serious emotional problems.
- Why? - I don't know.
Maybe because you're not there as a father.
- Why? - You're kidding me? This your little game? - Why? - This is what you're doin'? This is what you're doin' to me? - Why? Why?