It's Kevin (2013) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 'Ladies and gentlemen - it's Kevin.
' Oh, welcome to my show now and this is the second one The last was first, the next the third There's six, all said and done And if you're a reviewer and you've said my show is poor I'll find out where you live and I will hurt you with a saw But as for all the rest of you, I hope you're feeling great Sit back, relax, undo your slacks You've got yourselves a date Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show And that's the title Oh, oh it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Wah, wah, wah! Welcome to my show now, which I'm proud to bring to you Ably assisted by a most hard-working crew That's Alison, on costume And there's Emma there, on sound And I don't know what he does But he's just nice to have around, chat Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show It's called It's Kevin Aargh, it's the Kevin Eldon show It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-o-w! Ah, Mr Darwin.
The first I have seen of you since we left the Galapagos Islands.
Admiral Fitzroy, will you permit me to outline a theory? I should be honoured.
What if the beaks of the Galapagos finches were somehow an adaptive development? What if all life were in a permanent state of flux caused by ever cumulative evolutionary changes? What if, Admiral Fitzroy, life's myriad variations were not the work of a single creator? 'Hey, what are you doing?' I'm banging my head against the wall.
'What are you doing now?' I'm eating all my gloves.
'We've all got things we'd rather be doing.
'But don't put it off.
'If you don't send a birthday card to the Queen by April the 21st, 'there's a fine of £5,000, plus a possible conviction for sedition.
'So why not send your birthday card to the Queen without delay? 'You can buy a card at most high street card shops.
'Or why not file your card online at erbirthday.
co.
uk? 'Whichever way you do it, it's really not that hard.
'The Queen's birthday card.
On with her head!' Hello, I'm Jeremy Cain from the Guinness Book of World Records.
That's right, he is.
And Jeremy, you hold a world record yourself, don't you? Yes, that's right.
I hold the world record for the largest matchbox collection in Kent.
How many have you got? 20.
Where do you keep them all? In a drawer.
That has literally made me feel sick.
You're here to watch me try to break the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds.
What's the current record? One.
Right, so it's one to beat.
And I must say I'm very excited about Go! And stop.
Ooh, it's not as easy as it looks, is it? So how many times did I say nothing in ten seconds? One.
Oh! One more and I'd have beaten the world record.
Yes, hard luck.
Oh! Hard luck.
Gah! Hard luck.
Whoar! Hard luck.
Hew! Hard luck.
Heh! Hard luck.
Phoot! Hard luck.
Mmmm! Hard luck.
Gerr! Hard luck.
Wowow! Hard luck.
Errr! Hard luck.
Ssss! Hard luck.
Phow! Hard luck.
Ph-diss! Hard luck.
Swhee! Hard luck.
Gah! Hard luck.
Phow! Hard luck.
'Meet Max Cooper.
Just an ordinary guy - right? 'Wrong.
For whenever Max Cooper sees injustice and crime, 'Max Cooper becomes indignant about that.
'He doesn't like it.
'And it is then that for seven complicated reasons, 'Max Cooper mutates into' Put it back.
Put what back? That animal pottery you have just stolen and are hiding in your coat.
Put it back right now.
Or what? Excuse me, but aren't you the Incredible Moose-Human? Yes, I am.
Oh, well, look.
It seems that in her hurry to get away, our friend dropped something.
'And so once again, society is a safer place due to the vigilance 'and courage of' Adrian - your tea's ready! 'Oh, thanks, Mum.
I'll be down in a minute.
' Don't let it get cold! 'OK!' .
.
The Incredible Moose-Human.
'Coming, Mum!' That looks like thirsty work, Kevin.
I thought you might like a nice glass of water.
Oh, thanks, Bob.
That's really, er, that's, er I'll just, er You all right, then? Oh, I couldn't be better.
Glad to hear it.
Well, I say couldn't be better.
I've actually got terrible arm dandruff.
Ooh! Yeah.
It's embarrassing.
I only have to shake my arm and Oh, that's bad.
Yeah, it's a nervous condition.
I've had it ever since I had this stressful job a few years back.
Well, why don't you tell us all about? Oh, you're going to.
'I got a job at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum.
'A maze of 223 museum gift shops from all over the country, 'and all under one roof.
' What did you do there? 'Well, they put me in the Museum Gift Shop.
' So, wait a minute.
You were working at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum Museum Gift Shop? 'Yeah, and I suffered terrible stress and headaches.
' Busy, was it? 'No.
Hardly anyone ever came in.
'But every time I tried to actually get into my head where it was 'I was working, I'd black out 'and wake up naked on the banks of the Thames.
' Hmm, sounds like you're best off out of it.
Yeah.
Hey, Bob - have you tried new Head and Elbows? No, I haven't.
Well, have mine.
I don't need it anymore.
Well, I've got nothing to lose.
Except your arm dandruff.
'Here - I wonder what it would be like if Nazi pig dog Adolf Hitler 'had spoken with the voice of pop genius Sir George Martin.
'Eh? Ah' And after we'd taken Austria by storm, well, things started happening pretty quickly.
And within nine months to a year, we were number one in most countries in Europe.
Poland, Czechoslovakia, the list goes on.
But a lot of people think it was an overnight success, but in fact we'd already built up a fanatical local following at our Nuremberg rallies.
And I remember, even at those gigs, I could hardly hear myself screaming above all the screaming, and I'd have to keep dodging the copies of Mein Kampf, which fans were throwing onstage for me to sign.
But I do recall thinking to myself at one of those early appearances, well, if we don't at least reincorporate the Sudetenland into Germany's borders in the next few years or so, then I am a Chinaman.
And I'm not.
I'm not a Chinaman.
I'm not Chinese.
I am not Chinese! I have never been Chinese! Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles 'Yeah, it would be like that.
' Right, there you go, Bob.
Do me a favour.
Stick this lot together again.
This glue is nearly past its sell-by date.
It seems a shame to waste it.
Right-ho.
Cheers.
What's that? Here we go again.
It's Godzilla Black.
Surprise, surprise! It's not actually that much of a surprise, is it, Godzilla Black, when we can hear you coming five minutes before you actually get here? Oh! Oh, well.
You won't be wanting these then! Aww, are these for me? Oh, I'm sorry, love, I didn't No, no, now come back! I forgot how sensitive she is.
Godzilla Black! The Kaiser is marshalling his forces here, here and here.
Artillery are pinned down by the river and our supply lines are cut off.
Damn! You know, Marlborough, in bed this morning, I had an idea for ending this rotten war once and for all, just like that.
Well, let's hear it, man.
Well, there's the thing.
Forgot to write it down.
Went straight back to sleep.
Now for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.
You know what? I like the sound of this idea of yours.
What? The one I can't remember? Whether you can remember it or not, it's the best idea we've got.
Pembleton, connect me to the Prime Minister.
Yes, but look here, Marlborough, I can't actually 'Marlborough?' Prime Minister.
'Good news, I hope.
' Beg pardon, sir.
Ready to go over the top, sir.
Good show, Sergeant.
How's morale? Oh, it couldn't be better, sir.
Talk of this Winstanley plan's got the men all of a fizz, sir.
Home by Christmas is what I heard, sir.
Blimey.
I can't wait to see my sweetheart for turkey, sprouts and all the trimmings, sir.
Here, sir.
Oh, it's, er You've got a picture of Of Christmas dinner, sir.
Yes, sir.
I carry it with me always, sir.
Them peas are grown from my own garden, sir.
And fine, bonny peas they are too, Sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
Carry on, Sergeant.
Yes, sir! Ah - here he is.
The man who's going to win us the Great War.
Anything yet? Shush, shush - I nearly had it then.
I don't want to rush you, but Something about parquet flooring? No.
Wait a minute.
I remember! Oh, thank God! Quickly issue the order for everybody to get into the giant mechanical crabs! The giant mechanical 'Winstanley's plan died with him on the fields of Flanders.
'And so the Great War ground mercilessly on until 1978, 'when it was finally killed off by disco.
' 'It's curtains for everyone!' Everyone's got windows And windows can't be bare So come on down to Certain Curtains, curtains everywhere Cotton, satin, silk Pull yourself together Don't go off the rails With Certain Curtains, curtain service never, ever fails.
'Certain Curtains - well hung.
' 'Introducing Amateur Prime Minister.
'The magazine for Britain's ninth fastest growing hobby.
'Whether you're reshuffling your cabinet, 'ratifying fishing quotas, or bringing back hanging, 'Amateur Prime Minister will fill your parliamentary agenda.
'Issue 1 has tips on building your own seat of power.
'And - a free balloon of the Croatian Prime Minister, 'building up week by week into an inflatable summit.
'Amateur Prime Minister - it's time to return to your constituency 'and pretend at government.
' 'Maureen and John was a phenomenally successful Thames Television 'sitcom, which ran from 1980 till 1987, starring Julie Stott and Dennis Best.
' Maureen? John.
Maureen! John! Maureen! John! Mau-reen 'But tragedy struck.
A heavy smoker all his life, 'Dennis Best died at the age of only 46, 'when he fell out of a train.
'The producers wasted no time in recasting the part of John 'with actor Brian Tremaine' Maureen.
John! '.
.
who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.
' Maureen.
John.
Maureen.
'But the same chemistry just wasn't there.
' John! 'When Julie Stott left the series in 1986, 'to star in South African sitcom Call Me Bwana, 'she was replaced by actress Philippa Morgan' Maureen.
John.
'.
.
who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.
' Maureen.
John.
'And was taking a course of hormone pills, 'in preparation for a sex change.
'But it seems the magic of the golden years had faded.
' - Maureen.
- John.
'In 1987, with viewing figures down to just 18 million, 'the series was cancelled.
'Brian Tremaine went on to receive treatment for his alcohol addiction 'and now owns a chain of off-licences.
'And Philippa Morgan successfully underwent surgery, 'changing her name to Eric Pickles.
' 'Queuing.
It's a great British tradition, 'like the Proms and dogging.
'But people from around the world often underestimate just 'how seriously we in this country take the great British queue.
'Let's face it, when it comes down to it, we're a funny old lot.
' But did you know, for example, that 83% of all couples first have sex with each other in a queue? Or that if you're the 17th person standing in a queue you're statistically more likely to get pecked on the larynx by a chaffinch? Want to know more about queues? Well, you're in luck, because here's queuing guru Benny Sweet.
Benny, when was the first queue? 10th of June 1341.
And who was in that queue? Peasants.
What were they queuing for? To have their legs chopped off.
What had they done to deserve that? Nothing.
And what's the origin of the word queue? French.
And what does it mean? Wankers.
What happens if you're in a queue and it's hit by falling space debris? Bury the dead, phone NASA and reform the queue.
Now, you've got a photographic record of your lifetime of queuing, haven't you? Yep.
Queuing for a Slade concert, 1972.
Oh, look at your tank top.
Queuing to sign on, 1981.
Oh, look at your despair.
Queuing for a Tamagotchi, 1990.
Oh, look at your What's that? Mumps.
Jesus.
Queuing for an edible wig, 2000.
Oh, now, edible wigs, never really took off, did they? Ginger ones were nice.
Yeah, I ate one once.
Found a hair in it.
So who, in your experience, are worst at queuing? Florists, diabetics, cats.
In that order? No.
And if you don't like queuing, you can go to Benny's special queuing centre and do all your queuing in one go, can't you? Yeah.
You stand in a queue for 37 weeks non-stop.
And then? Accredited certificate.
Guarantees lifetime front of queue access.
And finally, Benny, how would you sum up your philosophy of life? Could be at the back.
Thanks, Benny.
That's really interesting.
And now, without further ado, lights, camera Excuse me! Oh, sorry, didn't mean to jump in.
Thank you.
And now, without further ado, it's lights, camera, auction! Sorry! What's going on? So, I shall open the bidding with 17 million pounds.
Do I hear 17 million pounds, anybody? 17 million pounds? No? Perhaps I've started the bidding a little high.
Very well.
17 million pounds.
We have 17 million pounds.
Thank you very much, sir.
18 million pounds.
Thank you very much, madam.
19 million pounds.
Thank you, Mr Blair.
20 million pounds.
Thank you, Sir Fred Here's to 40 wonderful years, my darling.
Happy anniversary.
Cheers.
Well, who would have thought 40 years ago we'd still be together, as happy as we were on the day we first met? Big, wobbly tits Excuse me.
Yes, sir? The singer Uh-huh? He seems to be singing, "Big, wobbly tits.
" "Beekwableeteets" - sir, in my language this mean "eternal love".
It's very old, traditional song of romance.
Oh, thank you.
It's a very beautiful song, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, well, how sweet.
Yes.
Where were we? You were saying? Oh, yes, well, the years seem to have gone so quickly and I've become more and more Wrinkly ball bag Excuse me.
Yes, sir? Is he singing, "Wrinkly ball bag"? Ah - "Rinkleeb al bak.
" Sir, in my language this mean, "When joy fills my aching heart.
" When joy Yes.
It's very beautiful song, sir.
You know, sometimes it make me cry.
Yes, yes - thank you.
I feel the same way, darling.
Shaft of cock, shaft of cock, shaft of cock Right.
Shaft of cock, shaft of cock Shaft of cock, shaft of cock Shaft of cock, shaft of cock Sir? Madam? You're leaving? Jui-cee-ee juice Hello, Spunky Spunky Hand Job Restaurant? Do you believe dreams can come true? Georgia here hasn't seen her parents since they moved to Argentina five years ago, have you? No, I can't afford the fare.
Well, YOU can't afford the fare .
.
and neither can we.
But close your eyes.
Close them.
Because there is a dream of yours that we can make come true, and it's the dream you had while you were sleeping last night.
What? Yeah, yeah.
Hang on, hang on.
Wait for it Now open your eyes.
She wants to lay off the cheese before she turns in.
'It's Kevin!' Hello, can I help at all? Oh, hello.
Yes, it's my wife's birthday.
So, she's 43.
Oh, nice.
So Well, you've come to the right place.
We've got all sorts.
Daisies, very nice.
Or we have a Venus Human Trap.
I don't really know anything about flowers.
Well, I mean, daisies are lovely for brightening a room.
Um, very happy flower.
The Venus Human Trap is perfect for trapping and devouring a human.
Hmm.
How much are the daisies? £4.
99.
And the Venus Human Trap? £3.
99.
Oh, the Venus Human Trap, then, please.
Would you like it gift-wrapped? Is that included in the price? Yes.
Yes, please.
OK, not a problem.
All right - come here, you.
I'm still Jeremy Cain from the Guinness Book of World Records.
That's still right, he still is.
And earlier, Jeremy, you supervised me trying to beat the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds.
It was so close, wasn't it? Yes, hard luck.
Grr! Hard luck.
Gah! Hard luck.
Phew! Hard luck.
Orr! Hard luck.
Aaa! Hard luck.
Hrrr! Hard luck.
And now you're here to watch me try to beat the world record for not saying anything in ten seconds.
What's the current world record? Twelveington.
So, it's twelveington to beat.
And I must say Go! Oh, manything, dennything, bennything, hennything, manything, lennything, bennything, tennything, whennything, zennything, anything Oh! Oh, hard luck.
Dah! Hard luck.
Woo! Hard luck.
Dee! Hard luck.
Whoar! Hard luck.
Woar! Hard luck.
Gah-gah-gah! Hard luck.
Swamm! Hard luck.
Tooh! Hard luck.
Dee! Hard luck.
Mmmm! Hard luck.
Grrr! Hard luck.
Hard luck.
Aaagh! Morning! If I asked about the future would I sense a little tension? Cos there's something that I've got here That I'd really like to mention Let me spell it out, I shall write it with my pen P-E-N-S-I-O-N My surname is Hughes, but please, call me Glenn Could you give me five minutes? Maybe ten? Oh, right, I'll just wipe my feet And I must say, your garden's very neat Yes, this is a lovely street Oh, thank you - my, what a comfy seat Ha, ha, ha - right! You can get a pension automatic from the state But let me tell you now that it really isn't great You've got to make the right choices now you're getting older How about a pension called a stakeholder? Hmm? Stakeholder! Hmm? Stakeholder! Oh, look, here's one in my folder Stakeholder! Accessibility Stakeholder! Flexibility Stakeholder! Reliability and tax relief and contributions, full liability No? Well, here's another option that I think's a little beau-ity Have you ever thought about a lifetime annuity? A lifetime annuity It's fiscal acuity And oh - like this! Your money income purchase is simply converted Invested in the market but can always be reverted Enhanced or deferred or with an index link Have a little look, just to tell me what you think Take your time.
Ooh, is that the time? Let's have a look at what's on next week's show.
Down periscope! We'll be welcoming back comedian Josh Carter, with his hilarious jokes about forests.
And that was just the conifers! We'll be discovering the reason why when you mix butter with water, this happens.
'And I'll be flying round the studio like a bird.
' Great.
Up periscope! Well, all that remains is for me to say it's been a No, no Before you say no, just a few moments more, sir One more thing before you show me to the door, sir I'm straight down the line, I've got the qualifications An FSA certificate in tax administration An NVQ diploma in retirement provision I've got awards across the boards for monetary vision And long division You've got to understand, I'm offering redemption You really ought to think about taking out a pension You really ought to think about taking out a pension You really ought to think about taking
' Oh, welcome to my show now and this is the second one The last was first, the next the third There's six, all said and done And if you're a reviewer and you've said my show is poor I'll find out where you live and I will hurt you with a saw But as for all the rest of you, I hope you're feeling great Sit back, relax, undo your slacks You've got yourselves a date Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show And that's the title Oh, oh it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Wah, wah, wah! Welcome to my show now, which I'm proud to bring to you Ably assisted by a most hard-working crew That's Alison, on costume And there's Emma there, on sound And I don't know what he does But he's just nice to have around, chat Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon show It's called It's Kevin Aargh, it's the Kevin Eldon show It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin, Kevin, Kevin Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-o-w! Ah, Mr Darwin.
The first I have seen of you since we left the Galapagos Islands.
Admiral Fitzroy, will you permit me to outline a theory? I should be honoured.
What if the beaks of the Galapagos finches were somehow an adaptive development? What if all life were in a permanent state of flux caused by ever cumulative evolutionary changes? What if, Admiral Fitzroy, life's myriad variations were not the work of a single creator? 'Hey, what are you doing?' I'm banging my head against the wall.
'What are you doing now?' I'm eating all my gloves.
'We've all got things we'd rather be doing.
'But don't put it off.
'If you don't send a birthday card to the Queen by April the 21st, 'there's a fine of £5,000, plus a possible conviction for sedition.
'So why not send your birthday card to the Queen without delay? 'You can buy a card at most high street card shops.
'Or why not file your card online at erbirthday.
co.
uk? 'Whichever way you do it, it's really not that hard.
'The Queen's birthday card.
On with her head!' Hello, I'm Jeremy Cain from the Guinness Book of World Records.
That's right, he is.
And Jeremy, you hold a world record yourself, don't you? Yes, that's right.
I hold the world record for the largest matchbox collection in Kent.
How many have you got? 20.
Where do you keep them all? In a drawer.
That has literally made me feel sick.
You're here to watch me try to break the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds.
What's the current record? One.
Right, so it's one to beat.
And I must say I'm very excited about Go! And stop.
Ooh, it's not as easy as it looks, is it? So how many times did I say nothing in ten seconds? One.
Oh! One more and I'd have beaten the world record.
Yes, hard luck.
Oh! Hard luck.
Gah! Hard luck.
Whoar! Hard luck.
Hew! Hard luck.
Heh! Hard luck.
Phoot! Hard luck.
Mmmm! Hard luck.
Gerr! Hard luck.
Wowow! Hard luck.
Errr! Hard luck.
Ssss! Hard luck.
Phow! Hard luck.
Ph-diss! Hard luck.
Swhee! Hard luck.
Gah! Hard luck.
Phow! Hard luck.
'Meet Max Cooper.
Just an ordinary guy - right? 'Wrong.
For whenever Max Cooper sees injustice and crime, 'Max Cooper becomes indignant about that.
'He doesn't like it.
'And it is then that for seven complicated reasons, 'Max Cooper mutates into' Put it back.
Put what back? That animal pottery you have just stolen and are hiding in your coat.
Put it back right now.
Or what? Excuse me, but aren't you the Incredible Moose-Human? Yes, I am.
Oh, well, look.
It seems that in her hurry to get away, our friend dropped something.
'And so once again, society is a safer place due to the vigilance 'and courage of' Adrian - your tea's ready! 'Oh, thanks, Mum.
I'll be down in a minute.
' Don't let it get cold! 'OK!' .
.
The Incredible Moose-Human.
'Coming, Mum!' That looks like thirsty work, Kevin.
I thought you might like a nice glass of water.
Oh, thanks, Bob.
That's really, er, that's, er I'll just, er You all right, then? Oh, I couldn't be better.
Glad to hear it.
Well, I say couldn't be better.
I've actually got terrible arm dandruff.
Ooh! Yeah.
It's embarrassing.
I only have to shake my arm and Oh, that's bad.
Yeah, it's a nervous condition.
I've had it ever since I had this stressful job a few years back.
Well, why don't you tell us all about? Oh, you're going to.
'I got a job at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum.
'A maze of 223 museum gift shops from all over the country, 'and all under one roof.
' What did you do there? 'Well, they put me in the Museum Gift Shop.
' So, wait a minute.
You were working at the National National Museum Gift Shop Museum Museum Gift Shop? 'Yeah, and I suffered terrible stress and headaches.
' Busy, was it? 'No.
Hardly anyone ever came in.
'But every time I tried to actually get into my head where it was 'I was working, I'd black out 'and wake up naked on the banks of the Thames.
' Hmm, sounds like you're best off out of it.
Yeah.
Hey, Bob - have you tried new Head and Elbows? No, I haven't.
Well, have mine.
I don't need it anymore.
Well, I've got nothing to lose.
Except your arm dandruff.
'Here - I wonder what it would be like if Nazi pig dog Adolf Hitler 'had spoken with the voice of pop genius Sir George Martin.
'Eh? Ah' And after we'd taken Austria by storm, well, things started happening pretty quickly.
And within nine months to a year, we were number one in most countries in Europe.
Poland, Czechoslovakia, the list goes on.
But a lot of people think it was an overnight success, but in fact we'd already built up a fanatical local following at our Nuremberg rallies.
And I remember, even at those gigs, I could hardly hear myself screaming above all the screaming, and I'd have to keep dodging the copies of Mein Kampf, which fans were throwing onstage for me to sign.
But I do recall thinking to myself at one of those early appearances, well, if we don't at least reincorporate the Sudetenland into Germany's borders in the next few years or so, then I am a Chinaman.
And I'm not.
I'm not a Chinaman.
I'm not Chinese.
I am not Chinese! I have never been Chinese! Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles 'Yeah, it would be like that.
' Right, there you go, Bob.
Do me a favour.
Stick this lot together again.
This glue is nearly past its sell-by date.
It seems a shame to waste it.
Right-ho.
Cheers.
What's that? Here we go again.
It's Godzilla Black.
Surprise, surprise! It's not actually that much of a surprise, is it, Godzilla Black, when we can hear you coming five minutes before you actually get here? Oh! Oh, well.
You won't be wanting these then! Aww, are these for me? Oh, I'm sorry, love, I didn't No, no, now come back! I forgot how sensitive she is.
Godzilla Black! The Kaiser is marshalling his forces here, here and here.
Artillery are pinned down by the river and our supply lines are cut off.
Damn! You know, Marlborough, in bed this morning, I had an idea for ending this rotten war once and for all, just like that.
Well, let's hear it, man.
Well, there's the thing.
Forgot to write it down.
Went straight back to sleep.
Now for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.
You know what? I like the sound of this idea of yours.
What? The one I can't remember? Whether you can remember it or not, it's the best idea we've got.
Pembleton, connect me to the Prime Minister.
Yes, but look here, Marlborough, I can't actually 'Marlborough?' Prime Minister.
'Good news, I hope.
' Beg pardon, sir.
Ready to go over the top, sir.
Good show, Sergeant.
How's morale? Oh, it couldn't be better, sir.
Talk of this Winstanley plan's got the men all of a fizz, sir.
Home by Christmas is what I heard, sir.
Blimey.
I can't wait to see my sweetheart for turkey, sprouts and all the trimmings, sir.
Here, sir.
Oh, it's, er You've got a picture of Of Christmas dinner, sir.
Yes, sir.
I carry it with me always, sir.
Them peas are grown from my own garden, sir.
And fine, bonny peas they are too, Sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
Carry on, Sergeant.
Yes, sir! Ah - here he is.
The man who's going to win us the Great War.
Anything yet? Shush, shush - I nearly had it then.
I don't want to rush you, but Something about parquet flooring? No.
Wait a minute.
I remember! Oh, thank God! Quickly issue the order for everybody to get into the giant mechanical crabs! The giant mechanical 'Winstanley's plan died with him on the fields of Flanders.
'And so the Great War ground mercilessly on until 1978, 'when it was finally killed off by disco.
' 'It's curtains for everyone!' Everyone's got windows And windows can't be bare So come on down to Certain Curtains, curtains everywhere Cotton, satin, silk Pull yourself together Don't go off the rails With Certain Curtains, curtain service never, ever fails.
'Certain Curtains - well hung.
' 'Introducing Amateur Prime Minister.
'The magazine for Britain's ninth fastest growing hobby.
'Whether you're reshuffling your cabinet, 'ratifying fishing quotas, or bringing back hanging, 'Amateur Prime Minister will fill your parliamentary agenda.
'Issue 1 has tips on building your own seat of power.
'And - a free balloon of the Croatian Prime Minister, 'building up week by week into an inflatable summit.
'Amateur Prime Minister - it's time to return to your constituency 'and pretend at government.
' 'Maureen and John was a phenomenally successful Thames Television 'sitcom, which ran from 1980 till 1987, starring Julie Stott and Dennis Best.
' Maureen? John.
Maureen! John! Maureen! John! Mau-reen 'But tragedy struck.
A heavy smoker all his life, 'Dennis Best died at the age of only 46, 'when he fell out of a train.
'The producers wasted no time in recasting the part of John 'with actor Brian Tremaine' Maureen.
John! '.
.
who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.
' Maureen.
John.
Maureen.
'But the same chemistry just wasn't there.
' John! 'When Julie Stott left the series in 1986, 'to star in South African sitcom Call Me Bwana, 'she was replaced by actress Philippa Morgan' Maureen.
John.
'.
.
who was tragically battling with chronic alcoholism.
' Maureen.
John.
'And was taking a course of hormone pills, 'in preparation for a sex change.
'But it seems the magic of the golden years had faded.
' - Maureen.
- John.
'In 1987, with viewing figures down to just 18 million, 'the series was cancelled.
'Brian Tremaine went on to receive treatment for his alcohol addiction 'and now owns a chain of off-licences.
'And Philippa Morgan successfully underwent surgery, 'changing her name to Eric Pickles.
' 'Queuing.
It's a great British tradition, 'like the Proms and dogging.
'But people from around the world often underestimate just 'how seriously we in this country take the great British queue.
'Let's face it, when it comes down to it, we're a funny old lot.
' But did you know, for example, that 83% of all couples first have sex with each other in a queue? Or that if you're the 17th person standing in a queue you're statistically more likely to get pecked on the larynx by a chaffinch? Want to know more about queues? Well, you're in luck, because here's queuing guru Benny Sweet.
Benny, when was the first queue? 10th of June 1341.
And who was in that queue? Peasants.
What were they queuing for? To have their legs chopped off.
What had they done to deserve that? Nothing.
And what's the origin of the word queue? French.
And what does it mean? Wankers.
What happens if you're in a queue and it's hit by falling space debris? Bury the dead, phone NASA and reform the queue.
Now, you've got a photographic record of your lifetime of queuing, haven't you? Yep.
Queuing for a Slade concert, 1972.
Oh, look at your tank top.
Queuing to sign on, 1981.
Oh, look at your despair.
Queuing for a Tamagotchi, 1990.
Oh, look at your What's that? Mumps.
Jesus.
Queuing for an edible wig, 2000.
Oh, now, edible wigs, never really took off, did they? Ginger ones were nice.
Yeah, I ate one once.
Found a hair in it.
So who, in your experience, are worst at queuing? Florists, diabetics, cats.
In that order? No.
And if you don't like queuing, you can go to Benny's special queuing centre and do all your queuing in one go, can't you? Yeah.
You stand in a queue for 37 weeks non-stop.
And then? Accredited certificate.
Guarantees lifetime front of queue access.
And finally, Benny, how would you sum up your philosophy of life? Could be at the back.
Thanks, Benny.
That's really interesting.
And now, without further ado, lights, camera Excuse me! Oh, sorry, didn't mean to jump in.
Thank you.
And now, without further ado, it's lights, camera, auction! Sorry! What's going on? So, I shall open the bidding with 17 million pounds.
Do I hear 17 million pounds, anybody? 17 million pounds? No? Perhaps I've started the bidding a little high.
Very well.
17 million pounds.
We have 17 million pounds.
Thank you very much, sir.
18 million pounds.
Thank you very much, madam.
19 million pounds.
Thank you, Mr Blair.
20 million pounds.
Thank you, Sir Fred Here's to 40 wonderful years, my darling.
Happy anniversary.
Cheers.
Well, who would have thought 40 years ago we'd still be together, as happy as we were on the day we first met? Big, wobbly tits Excuse me.
Yes, sir? The singer Uh-huh? He seems to be singing, "Big, wobbly tits.
" "Beekwableeteets" - sir, in my language this mean "eternal love".
It's very old, traditional song of romance.
Oh, thank you.
It's a very beautiful song, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, well, how sweet.
Yes.
Where were we? You were saying? Oh, yes, well, the years seem to have gone so quickly and I've become more and more Wrinkly ball bag Excuse me.
Yes, sir? Is he singing, "Wrinkly ball bag"? Ah - "Rinkleeb al bak.
" Sir, in my language this mean, "When joy fills my aching heart.
" When joy Yes.
It's very beautiful song, sir.
You know, sometimes it make me cry.
Yes, yes - thank you.
I feel the same way, darling.
Shaft of cock, shaft of cock, shaft of cock Right.
Shaft of cock, shaft of cock Shaft of cock, shaft of cock Shaft of cock, shaft of cock Sir? Madam? You're leaving? Jui-cee-ee juice Hello, Spunky Spunky Hand Job Restaurant? Do you believe dreams can come true? Georgia here hasn't seen her parents since they moved to Argentina five years ago, have you? No, I can't afford the fare.
Well, YOU can't afford the fare .
.
and neither can we.
But close your eyes.
Close them.
Because there is a dream of yours that we can make come true, and it's the dream you had while you were sleeping last night.
What? Yeah, yeah.
Hang on, hang on.
Wait for it Now open your eyes.
She wants to lay off the cheese before she turns in.
'It's Kevin!' Hello, can I help at all? Oh, hello.
Yes, it's my wife's birthday.
So, she's 43.
Oh, nice.
So Well, you've come to the right place.
We've got all sorts.
Daisies, very nice.
Or we have a Venus Human Trap.
I don't really know anything about flowers.
Well, I mean, daisies are lovely for brightening a room.
Um, very happy flower.
The Venus Human Trap is perfect for trapping and devouring a human.
Hmm.
How much are the daisies? £4.
99.
And the Venus Human Trap? £3.
99.
Oh, the Venus Human Trap, then, please.
Would you like it gift-wrapped? Is that included in the price? Yes.
Yes, please.
OK, not a problem.
All right - come here, you.
I'm still Jeremy Cain from the Guinness Book of World Records.
That's still right, he still is.
And earlier, Jeremy, you supervised me trying to beat the world record for saying nothing in ten seconds.
It was so close, wasn't it? Yes, hard luck.
Grr! Hard luck.
Gah! Hard luck.
Phew! Hard luck.
Orr! Hard luck.
Aaa! Hard luck.
Hrrr! Hard luck.
And now you're here to watch me try to beat the world record for not saying anything in ten seconds.
What's the current world record? Twelveington.
So, it's twelveington to beat.
And I must say Go! Oh, manything, dennything, bennything, hennything, manything, lennything, bennything, tennything, whennything, zennything, anything Oh! Oh, hard luck.
Dah! Hard luck.
Woo! Hard luck.
Dee! Hard luck.
Whoar! Hard luck.
Woar! Hard luck.
Gah-gah-gah! Hard luck.
Swamm! Hard luck.
Tooh! Hard luck.
Dee! Hard luck.
Mmmm! Hard luck.
Grrr! Hard luck.
Hard luck.
Aaagh! Morning! If I asked about the future would I sense a little tension? Cos there's something that I've got here That I'd really like to mention Let me spell it out, I shall write it with my pen P-E-N-S-I-O-N My surname is Hughes, but please, call me Glenn Could you give me five minutes? Maybe ten? Oh, right, I'll just wipe my feet And I must say, your garden's very neat Yes, this is a lovely street Oh, thank you - my, what a comfy seat Ha, ha, ha - right! You can get a pension automatic from the state But let me tell you now that it really isn't great You've got to make the right choices now you're getting older How about a pension called a stakeholder? Hmm? Stakeholder! Hmm? Stakeholder! Oh, look, here's one in my folder Stakeholder! Accessibility Stakeholder! Flexibility Stakeholder! Reliability and tax relief and contributions, full liability No? Well, here's another option that I think's a little beau-ity Have you ever thought about a lifetime annuity? A lifetime annuity It's fiscal acuity And oh - like this! Your money income purchase is simply converted Invested in the market but can always be reverted Enhanced or deferred or with an index link Have a little look, just to tell me what you think Take your time.
Ooh, is that the time? Let's have a look at what's on next week's show.
Down periscope! We'll be welcoming back comedian Josh Carter, with his hilarious jokes about forests.
And that was just the conifers! We'll be discovering the reason why when you mix butter with water, this happens.
'And I'll be flying round the studio like a bird.
' Great.
Up periscope! Well, all that remains is for me to say it's been a No, no Before you say no, just a few moments more, sir One more thing before you show me to the door, sir I'm straight down the line, I've got the qualifications An FSA certificate in tax administration An NVQ diploma in retirement provision I've got awards across the boards for monetary vision And long division You've got to understand, I'm offering redemption You really ought to think about taking out a pension You really ought to think about taking out a pension You really ought to think about taking