Jerk (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Just wait there, love.
Yes, come on.
Not you. Not safe for you.
Can I go now?
Back! Get back!
Go back! Go back! Right back!
Hey, Timothy. I just wanted to
see your cute little face.
Hey, Mom. Is everything OK?
No, you broke-ass son of a bitch.
You maxed out the account again.
Your sugar mommy cannot keep
bailing you out.
I think, in this instance,
it's just "mommy".
Are you eating properly?
Mom, I think we both know
I can't eat properly.
You've got to eat, honey.
Jesus, you'll lose about 1,000
calories just trying to sit still.
Could you sit still? You're rocking
and rolling all over the place.
OK, Mom. Is there anything else?
Yeah. Just get your shit together.
Eat, wear your shoes.
I got shoes.
You did?
If anything, they just make it
harder to walk.
Is that where the money's gone?
On that gag?
Oh, Timmy, you're a piece of work!
Oh Right.
Tuna
..pasta
..Cheerios
..and
..Tangfastics.
Right, is there anything that you
want?
Can I get some bread, some cheese?
I'll put Doritos.
They're sort of bread and cheese.
Right. That'll do for now.
You probably can't carry
any more anyway.
Oh, and, Tim, hurry up,
because I am starvin'.
Fuck it.
Is this food free?
Yes. You no wait.
Please, come to front.
Oh
..shit!
Allahu akbar.
Er
Hakuna matata.
Finally!
Oh, you're not Tim.
No, I'm Idris.
Well, you're not an Idris either.
Right, so why are you here?
I've just got some job applications
for Tim to look over.
Oh, your mum told you
to get out the house?
No.
Right, so, is Tim not in?
Maybe I'll just wait inside.
Oh No. He'll be hours.
Hang on, you were clearly
just expecting him there.
All right, Miss fucking Marple.
But I'll warn you - I am very
comfortable with a silence.
Marhabaan. You all right?
Yes, not too bad.
Marhabaan.
Sorry, my Arabic isn't great.
Do you understand English?
Oh, yeah.
Or a little. Little.
My speech comes and goes.
That's OK.
Hi, I'm Benedict, campaign director
here at Refugee Effort.
What can I call you, my friend?
Mohammed
..Ali.
Can I call you Ali?
Yeah! Yeah.
It's so nice to meet anyone that's
been displaced from their home
for whatever reason.
You're always welcome here.
I should go.
Sorry. Don't go.
I'd really like to know a bit
more about your particular story.
Maybe I could get you
some more food.
Could I get another
whole dinner to go?
So are you well?
Have you heard of simulation theory?
Yes! Erm
No.
Well, it theorises that our entire
consciousness exists
in a computer simulation.
We're all just streams of code.
Therefore, there's no actual
pain or pleasure.
It's artificial.
It's not real.
You cannot suffer, as actions
have no material consequence.
You see, if I do this
..it's not me doing it.
It's the code. That's not real pain.
It's just pixels.
Hittin' pixels.
Sorry, and this is what you believe,
is it?
No.
Where the fuck is Tim?
So, let me get this straight -
North African Junior
Skateboarding Champion.
Captured by Isis, escape.
Captured again, escape again.
Brother killed, sister killed,
parents killed.
Captured again.
Tortured.
Cerebral palsy.
Escaped.
Sea. Raft. Swim.
Britain?
Yes.
Can you get cerebral palsy
from torture?
Yes.
No, I just want to know as much
detail about this as possible.
I should go. Yeah, of course.
Just before you do, though,
I want to get a quick photo
for the magazine.
It's such a great story.
People are going to love this.
What else was I supposed to do,
Idris?!
Give me one more sensible option.
Maybe not taking the food out of the
mouths of starving refugees, Tim.
You know, some of 'em were quite
fat.
I don't even understand
why you were there.
I don't understand why you're here.
Well, I was just hanging out,
just chatting with Ruth.
She, er She really is a
formidable intellect.
This is fuckin' delicious!
Anyway, it might help with the
whole visa sitch.
How? I'm a refugee now.
They can't kick me out.
Tim, they're not going to buy the
fact that you're an
international junior skateboarding
champion called Mohammed Ali.
Ah, Ali after the Parkinson's -
float like a butterfly,
shake like a shitting dog.
Tim, you know this could actually
cost you a visa on a moral level?
Shouldn't we be trying to help
Refugee Effort?
What would you do about it, Barney?
You just bang on without ever
actually lifting a finger.
You're like Gary Lineker.
I am NOT like Gary Lineker!
OK, let me break a confidentiality,
just to prove a point.
There was a man. His name is Adnan.
He was an architect
from Al-Safira in Syria.
He came home one day to find
his house had been destroyed.
His young family killed.
For real, Tim.
He fled Assad and Isis
on a raft made of pallets.
Came all the way to Britain to try
and rebuild his life here.
He came to me, asked if I could help
him, and I did help him.
I got him an interview
at Bella Pasta.
I mean, I don't think he actually
went for it.
He told me to shove it up my arse
and I've not seen him since, but the
point is I didn't just stand back
and do nothing, Ruth.
Oh, it's Benedict.
Ali, hi. In the hour since we put
the story up on the website,
it's had such a great response.
Everyone's so moved.
I was wondering if we could actually
do a follow-up film,
and obviously we'd be able to help
you out with asylum applications,
grants, food.
What would be really good is if we
could actually come and see
where you live.
You want to come here?
Like, they could deliver this shit!
Ask him to bring pudding.
Ask him.
Could you bring some pudding?
Er Yeah, sure.
So, how about tomorrow?
Yeah, around two?
That's perfect.
Gimpy! What the fuck?!
You're pretending you're Syrian?!
That's just hilarious!
SHE LAUGHS
You persuaded some people that you
could survive a war zone?
Honey, you could barely
survive a womb,
and that's like the easiest
place to survive.
I love you, you fuckin' maniac.
I'll come visit you in Guantanamo!
Love you!
Thanks so much for this, Ali.
I just thought a more familiar
environment would make
for a more relaxed interview,
and the people coming
onto our website, they want to see
what conditions for refugees
are really like.
We can get you some help, you know.
Someone to come round and do a
basic clean at least.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
Ah.
These must be your cohabitants.
Hi, I'm Ben.
And?
Oh, you're British.
Sometimes we can be refugees
in our own country.
Sometimes
..the things that we're running
away from are not drugs
If I appear in one frame
of your film,
I will smash all of
your fucking toys.
Hi, I'm Ben. Hi. Idris.
Ben, I do admire everything
you're doing.
You're British, too?
Yes, I'm
The thing is, Ben
We're lovers.
Yeah, we're lovers.
Yeah, we're lovers. OK.
Wow. This is perfect.
What a beautiful story.
It's got everything.
How did you meet?
Idris has a heart the size
of a disabled toilet.
He loves refugees,
don't you, Idris?
Erm
Yeah, but, erm
He calls me his little Piglet
and he's my grumpy old Eeyore!
Ooh! A little kiss, there.
Great. Let's get set up.
Sorry, so, can we just make it look
a bit more sub-poverty in there?
Action.
None more so than with this
remarkable man, Ali,
who fled Syria, despite suffering
from quite a severe disability.
Let's go again.
None more so than this remarkable
man, Ali, who fled Syria,
despite suffering from
quite a severe disability.
Here he is with his partner,
Idris Allah.
Hi.
What can you tell us now
about this remarkable story?
Well, Ben
..I come from a town called
Al-Safira,
where I worked as an architect.
Are you kidding?
But when I got to Britain,
no-one helped me at all.
I was sent to one
employment agency
..but the guy there was so bad
Well ..so bad, like, bottom of
the barrel
Scum. Scum.
..I just thought about
killing myself.
Course you did. Ben, this is
And am I right in thinking that your
main passion
isn't actually architecture?
Isn't it?
No.
Ali used to be a
champion skateboarder.
That was until the torture
and the treatment from Isis
changed his life forever.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And then I think if you just say
you can't wait to get on board.
What? I just that'd be quite
poignant, you know,
with the skateboarding
thing and all this.
I can't wait to get on board.
Great.
Perfect. Let's cut there, then.
That's really good.
Oh, she's back.
What else was I supposed to do,
Idris?
Give me one more sensible option.
Just one.
Well, I don't understand
why we had to be lovers.
Why can't we just be friends?
No-one would believe that.
Barney, you're somewhere
between a hanger-on
and a groupie at best.
Why do you hate gay people?
What? I don't hate gay people.
I love the LGBTQ community.
Oh, yeah? What does the Q stand for?
Er
Well, I don't know, but
I celebrate diversity.
My best friend growing up was gay.
OK. I'm calling it out.
Who? Gary Flowerdew.
What?! That was his name!
Look, he's in my phone.
I helped him through some
tough times, growing up.
Back in Wales,
he was the only gay in the
Come on, that's true!
Oh, OK, yeah, sure.
It's loaded.
You guys.
Welcome to The Ali Show.
Hi, I'm Benedict Armstrong Jones,
campaign director
here at Refugee Effort.
I've been helping refugees
for over three years now and I think
it's fair to say they love me.
I can identify the place value
of each digit
Without my help, they wouldn't be
able to read or write,
and I insist on providing
traditional meals
to remind them of home.
Not too spicy? Thank you.
Now I'm going to introduce
you to someone very special.
Ali from Al-Safira, who fled Syria,
despite suffering from
quite a severe disability.
Every kid dreams of being
a skateboard champion
and, growing up in Syria,
Ali was no different,
but after Isis took over his village
and cerebral palsy his body,
Ali could no longer do the
thing he so loved,
until I, Benedict Armstrong Jones,
found him starving and hungry at
Refugee Effort.
Now, with my help, Ali has turned
his life around and he
Can't wait to get on board.
Yes, I'm Benedict Armstrong Jones.
And if you want to help my fight
against injustice, donate £5
by texting Get On Board to 34765.
I mean, I know it's for a
good cause,
but it seemed to be just a film
about him.
Do you think this will
piss off Immigration?
I don't like this.
I don't like it one bit.
I agree with Barney,
and that is a horrible feeling.
I think this prick
is exploiting you.
Er, Ben? We need to talk.
Hey, guys. Listen, the response has
been amazing.
We've already raised £60,000
for the refugee appeal
and the comments have been
astonishing,
so many positive things
said about me Us. You.
Now, I've actually been calling
you to talk about the next stage
of the campaign.
I have this incredible
No, actually, I'm going to
let that be a surprise.
Did you say 60,000 for the refugees?
No, I'm sorry, but this man
is not called Ali.
He's called Tim.
And he's not from Syria.
You're not a refugee?
Well, I am, but I'm from America
and I'm not I'm not running away
from Isis,
I'm running away from my mother.
But it's still oppression.
Why does this shit always
happen to me?
And I suppose the whole
disabled thing
Jesus!
Oh, no. That part's true.
I was going to be on
fucking Newsnight.
Well, it's not all about you, is it,
mate?
You don't care about people,
you just care about yourself.
Look at Sir fucking Ponce-alot
on his high fucking horse.
I've raised 60 grand for charity.
What have you done?
Whatever I do, I do it from pure
motives.
What, you and your lying,
freeloading boyfriend?
Yeah. No. No, that was a lie as
well.
Not that it matters.
You're just exploiting Tim.
Is this liberal trash talk turning
you on?
By the time I'm finished with you,
you'll have more than
a bleeding heart.
I'll write a letter to The Guardian.
OK, shut the fuck up.
Look, Barney, you want loads of
money for refugees, right? Yep.
Benedickhead, you want to make up
for not getting into film school.
Well, me and Tim,
we want more free shit.
So there. We can all win.
Right, what's your next big film
surprise?
Next door, I've got a room full of
people from Al-Safira.
I wanted to film an
emotional reunion.
Look, I'm sorry, but you're going to
have to pretend for a little bit
longer.
And if you don't,
I'll tell the police that you
defrauded the charity.
Al Jazeera!