Joan of Arcadia s01e02 Episode Script

I think I'm old enough to decide how much make up is too much makeup.
The only way to prove that to me is by wearing too little.
Yesterday you told me to wear less, and I wasn't wearing any.
The point is you don't need it.
The point IS you're not a guy my age.
Turn that off will you.
Wait Joan, don't touch that dial.
Please don't freak out.
It's me, the King of Kings the all mighty.
God is doing the news? I know, you thought you were done after the last time we spoke.
You hoped it was an isolated incident of mental breakdown, and that your life would just return to normal.
Yah, well, I'm talking to the television, so normal works for me.
I'll keep this short - Oh my god! What did you do? Yeah, it's a crime against God to turn off the television.
It's after 7 they should be home.
You know, some people believe microwaves suck all the energy out of food.
Hello, Joan to God! Hello.
In fact, microwaves emanate.
What? Microwaves actually energies food in the form of molecular kinetic vibrations, A.
K.
A heat.
It was a simple driving test.
What's the big delay? So if you dry a cat in the microwave, it'll explode.
what's with you and TVs tonight.
God! Dad, quit being so nervous.
I wasn't nervous the first time Kevin got his license, why would I be nervous this time.
Maybe because last time he got his license, he ended up a paraplegic.
What did you say? I'm, I'm I'm sorry, were you listening? We're home! Do not buy me a car.
Does this mean you passed? With a perfect score.
King of the Gimp Drivers.
I wanna buy my own car.
Apparently, Kevin wishes to buy his own car.
Do you have any idea how much that will to cost.
I will get a job.
He will get a job.
How, he has no transportation.
Wow! Thats a chicken and egg paradox.
A lot of jobs require you to have your own car.
Well, I'm not looking for a career in pizza delivery.
I'm going to go upstairs and watch TV.
God Mom, you wanted me to get my license for hand controls.
I got it.
Isn't that enough for one day? Why can't you help? Help what? What are we fighting about? Dinner is served.
Don't you have any friends that you could walk to school with? Don't worry, they'll think I'm cool styling with my big sister.
Oh, wa-wait, your worried that one of your friends will see us together.
Wait a minute, you don't have any friends.
And ironically, you're still cramping my style.
Hold this Who's the reject? - Adam Rove.
Huge stoner.
Hey, maybe hell be your friend.
What is he doing? Looking for lost brain cells, I dunno.
What kind of loser runs just because the bell rings? Hey kid.
It's me.
You need proof? Fine.
Sometimes you like to practice French kissing yourself on the mirror.
Why do you have to be so mean? Look, that was my Dad who turned you off last night, so if there's some kind of penalty, then I.
Fine.
He shall spend all of eternity burning in hell.
No, No no no, My Dads a really great man.
I'm kidding.
Theres no penalty for turning me off.
Hey, just because I speak doesn't mean anyone has to listen.
Really? Yeah, free will is one of my better innovations.
I give suggestions, not assignments.
I feel a suggestion coming on.
Stop squandering the potential I gave you.
Stop under-achieving.
Have some pride.
Wait.
In what, like School? Schools a start.
Stand back.
Pride? What happened to humility? Humility isn't actually humility unless you are good enough at something to be humble.
Somebody gets burned to a crisp, that's murder.
Only if it's arson, and it ant arson till I say it's arson.
Is it arson? - That's what I'm investigating.
And until I decide you have no jurisdiction here.
Nozzle heads have no respect for a crime scene.
Nozzle heads? Girl Scouts solve more murders then you people do.
That may have been true in the past, not any more.
So you want to rethink your tone? Come on now, lets get fraternal.
- Chief Wyatt? Don't get all stiff and efficient just because the kids are fighting.
We're having crime scene issues.
Roy, what you're going to do is you are going to inform.
Detective Daghilan.
As soon as you ascertain whether or not its arson.
Daghilan, what is that? Is that Armenian? You know, you don't see a lot of Armenian cops.
Are we straight on this Roebuck? I've been an arson investigator for 8 years.
I'm guaranteeing Chief Girardi personally, don't prove me a liar.
Thank you Chief Wyatt.
Call me Tom, or Tommy.
Will.
Not Willy.
Ever.
Never mind Roy, he's sensitive about hierarchy.
Maybe he feels inferior to cops.
But you don't - Oh hell no.
Cops are heroes what, maybe 10 percent of the time.
Everyone body loves a fire fighter.
Listen Will, I want to invite you and your wife to my place Thursday.
Cocktails, maybe a few people you'd enjoy meeting.
Thanks, Tommy, we'd be delighted.
All right, Thursday.
I'll send the details to your office.
A few weeks ago he wouldn't return my phone calls.
Ah, I got a theory.
My bet is he asks you to become a Centurion.
Great, when do we attack Carthage? It's like the Kiwanis Club.
They build parks and old folks homes.
What does that have to do with Chief Wyatt? Well, he's a Centurion.
All the mucky-mucks are.
It's political.
About time they ask you, you being Chief of Police.
Well, if charity work and riding on little motorcycles in parades gets things done, sign me up.
Keeping the guys on homicide.
What is the reason for your tardiness? Take a guess, has still in his Jammies.
I slept in and missed the bus.
Every day Grace? You are supposed to ask the reason for my tardiness.
You are late for school every day, and late for every single class.
The vice-principal thinks you're doing it on purpose to flaunt his authority.
Mrs.
Girardi, you gotta ask me.
If you don't make at least one class on time this week, He will suspend you, and if it happens again after that he will expel you.
Come on, ask me.
What is the reason for your tardiness? The reason for my tardiness is I am late.
Why are you waiting to see the vice principal? Mrs.
Girardi, heres the deal.
At school you and I don't know each other ok.
First thing every morning you report to me, understand? UhHuh.
I may not be able to stop you from getting high away from school, but you are mine between 8 in the morning and 5 in the afternoon.
Ok, Mr.
Price.
If I even suspect that you are under the influence of drugs what will happen? You'll urine test me.
- For your own good.
And call the cops.
- UhHuh.
Ruin my life.
- All for your own good.
AH, Miss Girardi.
Walk with me please.
So, Advanced Placement? I can't hear if you nod Miss Girardi, you are going to have to speak up.
There is nothing in your record to suggest academic achievement.
I know.
Ah, Why take advance placement? I need a reason? Premise, argument, conclusion.
The correctness of reasoning.
The validity of inference.
I don't know what youre saying.
- Yes, you need a reason.
Well, it's personal.
Oh please, nothing about adolescent romance, we are discussing academics.
I see you Mr.
Denburg, my office, 3:15.
Do you believe in God? That would only be pertinent if God told you to take Advanced Placement.
He might have, he isn't always clear.
Miss Girardi, Messages from God suggests psychosis, psychosis is a matter for the school psychiatrist, and massive does of thiamine.
So, for the record, did God ask you to take advance placement? Mr.
Price, I want to do better.
I have one vacancy in AP Chem.
Take it or leave it.
How's the chief of police? Slightly apprehensive when the District Attorney pays a personal visit.
I dropped by earlier, but apparently you were out sifting through ambers.
Small juridical dispute.
You are a much more hands on kind of guy then our last chief of police.
I take it you don't approve.
Well there is some concern when a police chief immerses himself in triviality larger questions such as budget, staffing, inter-agency relations.
.
When I got here this department had the worst conviction rate of any city of its size in the nation.
No ones suggesting you haven't really turned things around.
Plus, I don't answer to the district attorney, I answer to the mayor.
Who do you think sent me? You're late.
See me after school Miss Polk.
Class, this is Joan Girardi, who will be joining us in AP Chemistry.
Joan, take a seat with that group.
How about for kicks, everyone tells something good they did today.
Mom, If you want to know if I looked for work, just ask.
Will? - Ok.
I did not pull out my gun and shoot an arson investigator or the district attorney.
Good for you.
Luke? I didn't laugh when Joan was introduced in my AP Chem.
class.
Luke took mine.
I'm now taking chemistry with the clam heads, move on.
Kevin, your turn.
Have you given any more thought to getting your own transportation? I've already got my own wheels.
Good you're awake.
Half awake anyway.
The other half is still sound asleep.
Wake up you lazy bastards, It's morning.
Please don't make those jokes.
Why? Because if somebody else made those jokes about you I would scratch their eyes out.
What's that? I Googled used cars with hand controls, in case you're interested.
thanks mom! Reactants are subject to three laws of chemical combinations.
The law of constant composition, the law of multiple proportions, the law of reciprocal proportions.
So, the chemical concepts here include single replacement, exothermal reaction.
Entropy and Luke - Entropy.
Go Luke.
Iron oxide is reduced to metallic oxide by a temperature reaching Need a calculator? - No Aprox.
Oh Home test tonight, list the chemical equation, which take place in a typical wood fire.
.
Full group participation.
Due before the bell, no exceptions.
Mr.
Robuck.
Lt.
Roebuck.
Hey Lt.
, I'm a chief.
Not my chief.
If you are withholding evidence, this chief will arrest you for obstruction of justice.
I'm not withholding, I'm taking the time I need to do a thorough investigation.
Your guys should try it sometime.
Lt.
Roebuck, every moment you take the trail gets colder.
The arsonist gets closer to getting away with murder.
Any body ask you questions about who might benefit from this building being burned down.
Hey Lt.
Well do our job, you do yours.
It's at least a reason a person could expect.
When did you start smoking? Don't knock it, it's the only exercise I get.
Besides, it makes me look cool.
Yeah, chicks really dig a perv smoking and staring at the kids in the yard.
Stamp that out will ya, I'm not a good stamper.
Mom thinks your out looking for a job.
FYI, that's pitiful.
Yeah well, these days Pityville is my hometown.
Kev, why don't you just let the parental units buy you a car? Oh, I suppose you'd let them by you a car? Duh, any normal person would.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.
- I remember normal.
Back when I was normal I wanted them to buy me a car.
You know what they said? They said no.
They said 'Be a man'.
Get a job, buy your own car.
So, what's changed since then? Huh? Joan, what's changed? - You know what's changed.
Yep, no body expects me to be a man anymore.
You stopped trying! You just sit around and smoke in the park like some defective.
Why are you crying? I got in a fight with my brother.
Because he doesn't try hard enough? You heard that yeah? I hear everything Joan.
Let Kevin walk, Please.
I'll just ask this one favor and then I'll never ask for one again.
It's so easy for you.
All you have to do is snap you fingers or blink your eyes.
Just let Kevin stand up and walk.
People ask me to do things.
Big things, Little things.
Billions of times every day.
What do you expect? You're God.
I put a lot of thought into the universe.
Came up with the rules.
It sets a bad example if I break them.
Not to mention, It shows favoritism.
Why should one person get a miracle? and not every body else? Can you imagine the confusion? It's better when we all abide by the rules.
No miracle.
Miracles happen within the rules.
That's why I came to you.
To perform miracles? You're an instrument of God, bound by the limit of time and space.
Perfect.
Can I have my ball? You'd like to give me a slap, wouldn't you? Yeah, but you're so cute.
By the way, as an instrument of me, have some pride.
Do better, do your best.
Now, I'd like to slap you.
What should we do first? - Ask your brother for the answers.
To be humble you have to be proud.
Wait, aren't those opposites? Ah, ask him ask him.
No, No lets just break it down ok.
Is there a chemical formula for twigs? Uh.
Cellulose is c6h12o6.
Uh, I have an eidetic memory.
what's that? - Photographic.
He can barely remember his name.
Listen, I know a lot, I just can't put it all together.
Ok, what about a chemical equation for fire? Wood doesn't actually burn.
Thats insane.
What burns is the gas released when the wood gets hot.
Therefore the reaction would have to be gasification, through oxidation reduction, then combustion.
It is so hot you know that.
Dude, are you smart? Just because I refute the whole formal schooling equals knowledge crap doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Nice.
- Ok, so what about gas.
Shah, like I know.
And Rain man's back to underpants.
You tell me the formula and I'll tell you the substance.
Or, you tell me the substance and I'll tell you the formula.
Well, work it backwards.
Ok.
Charcoal, plus the mystery gas equals wood plus oxygen and heat.
c50h10o plus 10ch2o, that's formaldehyde.
Equals oxygenized and reduced c6h12o6.
What does that mean? It means were done.
.
Good night.
Did we get it right? It's like watching three monkeys build a particle accelerator using tinfoil and a BiBi Gun.
We just past an extremely rude boy outside.
No, that wasn't a boy.
That was Grace Polk.
Sorry, Grace is sort of a.
Oh and look its Adam Rove, right in my kitchen.
Hi Ms.
Girardi.
Headline, Adam Rove meets the chief of police.
I'll see you upstairs.
Mom, Adam says he knows where to get Kevin a car.
You do? / Yeah, My dad says there's one in impound.
Wait, is your dad a police officer? Shah, No.
No way, Night janitor.
Oh.
Well, nice work Jane.
He calls me Jane some times when he forgets that my name is Joan.
These are Joans new friends? A person of mysterious gender and space boy? There is a car with hand controls in impound.
There is? How can you not know that? You're chief of Police.
Impound yard Chief of police.
How did you know that? Space boy.
His fathers your night janitor.
I want you to look into it.
That would be inappropriate.
Will! I'm chief of police, I can't go skulking around the impound yard looking for bargains.
You know what, how much did you have to drink tonight? Exactly the right amount.
Aren't you curious why Joan is suddenly doing honors chemistry? No.
What the hell do you want? I did my job.
I'll be one amazed son of a bitch if you do yours.
Grace! Have you seen Adam? Called in Sick.
Price is all bent cause he wants some of Adams pee.
He left his bag at my house.
Then stay away from me.
Why? Because that back pack is probably full of booya schwag.
I am not hanging on to this till tomorrow for him.
It's full of drugs.
My dads the chief of police.
Grace, you have to turn in our project.
I don't hand things in, and I never hand them in on time.
It's my policy.
If you hand it in late Ms.
Lischak won't accept it.
And then she's gonna flunk me and Adam as well as yourself.
Again, thinking only of yourself.
Stop squandering your potential.
Stop underachieving.
Have some Pride.
The arsonist used an explosive devise containing a magnesium accelerant.
Alright, well were looking for a pro.
Magnesium is the type that outdoorsy types get from outdoorsy stores to start fires in outdoorsy places.
See the list of people who recently purchased the stuff? Oh, Tom Wyatts on this list.
I don't see him being an outdoorsmen.
Shareholders in a company called Badger Hill Development, Inc.
Which owns most of the land around the arson location.
Wyatt again.
Did he really think we wouldnt get here? Maybe he didn't care.
I was at a do last night.
It seams to me that most of the people who make up badger hill development were there.
These are the people that run things.
I mean, way higher then I am on the food chain.
We arrest people, were the top of the food chain.
Sir, I'll, I'll, I'll do what ever you want, but, Only if I specifically order you to so.
Maybe you want it in writing.
Fully cover your ass.
It's the real world chief.
I gotta live too.
You looking for me? Uh, not sure.
Sometimes, when you're alone, that hideous titanic song makes you cry.
Why do you have to be so mean? Why do you have to keep questioning me? Most people would be on their best behavior.
Ok, look whatever.
I was thinking about what you said when I asked you to cure Kevin.
How it would show favoritism and that I'm an instrument of God.
Then I realized, you want me to become a scientist, so I can discover a cure for Kevin.
Newsflash Joan, you don't need to let me in on your thinking process, I'm omniscient.
Ok, well, I'm not omniscient, so I have to ask if I'm doing what you want.
Simple, I want you to fulfill your true nature.
God! Yes? No, I, I was taking your name in vain.
To be technical.
Sorry.
Look, you won't always know why I ask you to do things.
You won't always see the effects.
Just think about what you learned in AP Chemistry.
I didn't learn anything.
I got the others to do it.
The smallest catalyst can set of mind-boggling chain reactions.
One time, I said Let There Be Light all hell broke loose.
Figuratively speaking.
So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic.
Anti climax tic.
Anti climatic means you're against the weather.
You gotta a kidding.
I know It like some look like much.
But It's looks like dump.
You might is looked take a back.
No.
I don't want it.
Why can't you just let me do things my way? Because, If I leave it to you, nothing will happen.
You will just rot in that chair to spite us all.
Thank you.
Do you remember when you first came home after the accident? Yes mom.
I remember who washed me and wiped my ass, and fed me Don't worry, I haven't forgot any of that.
Kevin, that is just mother stuff.
You don't owe me anything for that.
Not even Thanks.
What I'm talking about is the day you came home, you asked me if you would ever feel normal again.
What did I say? You said yes.
You promised.
and I intend to keep that promise.
No mater how hard you fight me, because no body can stop me from keeping a promise to someone I love.
Not even the person I love.
Now here's this ugly vehicle and the least you can do is take it for a drive.
Will you do that? Yeah.
- Thank you.
You want to come with me? Excuse me? Is this Adam Roves house? Will be when I die.
Until then we share it.
Hey watch the - I don't know what that is.
Maybe an enemy? Im Joan Girardi, Adams friend from school.
My sons going out with the police chiefs daughter? No, No no no.
I was just bringing his knapsack.
That's too bad.
Would have been great for my career.
Mr.
Row, did you make all these? There really beautiful.
No, this is Adams stuff.
It's either crap or genius.
I'm going with genius, but yet I'm his dad.
Adam did all this? Has in the back.
Adam? Jane, Uh, Oh, um come on in.
I uh, brought your bag.
You left it at my house.
Uh, that, that's really beautiful.
Ah, fo shisle ma nizzle.
What is it? Ah I don't know.
Oh thanks.
Thanks for bringing me all these things.
I really needed them to finish this thing.
Well, to tell you the truth, I was actually kinda paranoid.
Why? I wasn't sure what was in it.
I thought it might be, you know booya schwag.
Whats booya schwag? Weed.
I don't do that.
Ok, sure.
I don't.
Well, when I saw you in Mr.
Prices office, he was giving you that speech on drugs and urine.
You didn't exactly argue with him.
Price.
That guy just keeps digging and digging away at you until he finds your own little mystery to use it against you.
Far as I'm concerned, if he keeps digging at my drug problem, he won't find out my little secret.
What is it? Shah, look around you.
I talk to angels.
Relax Jane, it's a metaphor.
But, what if you actually could talk to angels? I'd keep my mouth shut.
Oh, yeah, cause Mr.
Price would have you put away.
Unchallenged.
Two Double Doubles, one is Animal Style.
Animal Style, thats the way I like it too.
I don't even know what It means, I just like the way it sounds.
Two fries one double size, one regular.
Thats 6.
88.
I'm giving you a 10 percent discount because you're cute.
Ah, the cute discount.
I bet you get that a lot.
Yeah, but I only extend it to the super cute.
Hello.
Sitting right here.
I'm his mother.
Hi, Come back soon, ask for Barbie.
Well.
If you're Barbie, I'll do that.
You're funny.
I'm starting to like the vehicle.
This is why people hate mimes.
People don't really hate mimes.
They just say that they do.
It's the opposite of opera.
Isn't there a law that says you can't talk to people? Hey, Joan, I remain silent, I get criticize for that too.
Right? God, I'm not getting it.
I joined AP Chem, so what? I have to do what you want.
Obviously you're God.
I just don't get it.
AP Chem brings Adam Rove into your home, where he tells your mother about a car in the impound.
Now your brother has a car.
Get it? I got Kevin his car? Me working through you working through Adam.
working through your mother, working through your-.
Can you stop all this? It's very distracting.
Thanks.
What Kevin does with that car depends upon his own free will, which is another reality strand.
Back on this strand your father meets Adam, which compels him to exchange pleasantries with Adam's father, who passes on his inflated impressions of your father to his counterpart at the fire department, who happens to be the brother-in-law of an Arson Investigator, who risks his job to pass information to your father so that he can arrest an arsonist.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, I caught an arsonist? That's just on the Adam Rove reality strand.
How far does this go? All the way, baby.
Always for the better? Better is how it works with me.
An infinite good in an infinite universe.
Trust in me, Joan.
That's all I ask.
Fire Chief Wyatt.
Hey Will.
Tom.
So, What's up? Where's the file? I appreciate you coming in.
It's um, better this way.
What's better? You're going to need a lawyer.
Detective Daghlian has some questions to ask you regarding the homicide of John Brawly.
Who the Hell is John Brawly? The man who died in the fire you set.
Chief Girardi.
It's alright Jeanne.
Oh, word gets around fast.
Thank God you're here.
You just might want to shut the hell up Tom and stay that way.
Would you come with me Chief Wyatt? Chief Girard has ordered me to place you under arrest if you refuse.
What have you got? It's all in the warrant package.
Sum it up for me.
Well, We can tie him to the device and the accelerant? We can place him at the scene, and we have a motive.
What motive? Financial gain.
Badger Hill Developments.
He's a shareholder.
And I believe, so are you.
Are you suggesting I had anything to do.
Badger Hill has been after this piece of land for four years.
What are you going to put there? A mall, office building? Back down chief.
I'm a public servant.
If I, or any other public servant, own shares in Badger Hill, it's through a blind trust.
Sure, it's all at arms length.
You say you have Wyatt on physical evidence? Yes.
Then there is no need to include Badger hill in the official evidence package.
except that it is evidence.
It's irrelevant.
Get the conviction without it.
It's Un-necessarily inflammatory.
My people provide your people with evidence.
How you use it is up to you.
We can't suppress anything in the official police report.
How would it look? - How things looks is not my concern.
You've been misinformed.
Your job is as political as mine or the mayors.
Well, I dont see it that way.
Have you considered why you were hired as police chief, Girardi? You, an outsider.
One who's never held a top position? It's because you have a reputation as a prismatic man who understands the importance of playing hardball.
Apparently, We were both misinformed.
He makes stuff out of stuff people throw away? Yeah, and get this.
He's not a stoner.
Get outta here! Honest to God.
Just don't tell Mr.
Price.
Why would he want Mr.
Price to think he's a drug abuser? Mom! Can this be on of those things we just agree on without having to go deeply into it? Uh, Mom, I'm eating out.
Do you want to come Geek? Uh, Yeah, that'd be um.
Can I? - Fine.
Hi.
/ Hi Dad.
- Seeya Dad.
Where are they going? Out to eat.
Together.
In Kevins new car that I got from impound.
Huh.
Hi Sweetie-Pie.
What the hell is that? Its beautiful ok.
If youre not too angry about Kevins car, do you think we could invite the Wyatts over on the weekend? I really like them.
What? Theres something I have to tell you.
I know there really the first couple we've really clicked with.
What? I arrested Tommy this afternoon.
You arrested the Fire Chief? For what? Arson.
What's funny? Why is that funny? You know why their fries are so crisp? They use this kind of oil that boils a higher temperature then most.
You again.
I can't resist your tasty treats.
Be cheaper if you just asked me out.
Wow.
You don't strike me as a cheep date.
You like movies? Or music? We could go to a concert some time? Uh, I'm not really available.
Oh, I'll go get your order.
Why didn't you just tell her? I mean, She likes you.
She probably wouldn't even care.
You gotta shut up now ok.
Well just wait for the food, and when she gives it to us well leave.
That's whats gonna happen.
Understand?