Kevin Can F*** Himself (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
ALISON: I've been thinking
- Again?
- No!
Previously on
"Kevin Can F Himself"
♪♪
No!
If I could start over,
and go somewhere else
Sam.
So, what'd I miss the last 15 years?
What's this?
We're moving.
Wake the hell up. The account's empty.
We decided we're staying.
We did?
WAITRESS: So, this is, what?
Seven days in a row?
[CHUCKLES] You're sweet to notice.
It's my new ritual.
A scone, a book, and some peace.
Are you new to town?
No. Lived here all my life,
but I just never had
any time for myself.
But since my husband passed
Oh, I didn't realize.
I'm a widow.
How'd that happen?
Oh, I killed him.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Good for you, honey.
It's gotta be tough not getting caught.
How'd you do it?
♪♪
I don't know how I did it.
[RUMBLING]
[MATTRESS SQUEAKING]
[LAUGHING]
What the hell is happening?!
It's Belichick Hoodie Day!
- What?!
- It's Belichick Hoodie Day!
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, no.
You okay, babe?
Definitely concussed.
And any other day, that'd bother me.
But not today!
Don't you wanna ask me why?
Because my genuine
Bill Belichick sweatshirt
Cut at the sleeves like a boss
and worn to at least two Pats games
Is arriving today!
And, uh,
how much you pay for a torn hoodie?
I cannot and will not put a price
on what the greatest coach
of all time means to me.
Okay, well, what price
did the Internet put on it?
More than our wedding,
less than our car.
Oh! I was having the nicest dream.
Come on! You can sleep anytime!
This is like Christmas morning!
Okay, well, then, where's my present?
Your present?
Well, I'm the gift that
keeps on giving, baby!
[LAUGHS] Belichick Hoodie Day!
[DOOR SLAMS, ECHOES]
[SIGHS]
♪♪
I killed him.
[GROANS]
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
Hey.
Hey.
It's, uh
It's Bill Belichick Hoodie Day.
Oh, yes.
But I celebrate privately.
Well, have a good one.
[LAUGHTER]
♪♪
Hey, where's our breakfast?
You're not supposed to have favorites.
Kevin's my husband.
Yeah, Neil, breakfast is for family.
See, Kevin's the husband,
I'm the father-in-law.
Yeah, and I'm like a brother.
No, you're more like a cousin
who just got out of jail for stalking.
And everyone's secretly
kind of hoping he goes back.
- How is Keith?
- Bad.
Hey, babe?
Can you go see if my
package is here yet?
Can't you do it?
I'm in the middle of something.
Aw, man, I really need this hoodie.
The old self-esteem took
a real hit this week
when the camera on my
phone flipped to face me.
So many chins.
That's just baby fat, bro.
Thanks, brother.
Well, I checked, and no package yet.
Ugh! This is taking forever!
What sins did I commit in
a past life to deserve this?
Past life?
Hon, you know what happens
when you try to be funny.
Kev, I think I hear a delivery
truck coming down the street.
Now he can get up.
Aw, man, it's just an ambulance!
- On our street?
- Please don't be for me.
Please don't be for me.
Hey, the new neighbors have
packages on their stoop.
What gives?
I saw her moving in, and I am not a fan.
Bad vibes there, bro.
Ooh, bad neighbors.
What would that be like?
You trying to be funny again?
No.
Good.
And Neil's probably right.
[LAUGHTER]
I went over there to be neighborly.
You know, make sure they know
who's the alpha on the street.
Hope you also told 'em who's the beta.
And you know what they
said when I asked them
what their favorite football team was?
Manchester United.
- Boo!
- Hiss!
- Football is football.
- I mean, really,
is nothing sacred?
[LAUGHTER]
♪♪
Hi. I was hoping to do s
Hey, there's no eating in here.
This is a "liberry."
Of course. Sorry.
Um
Um, you want a napkin?
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Um, I was hoping to do
some computer research.
- I'm writing a book.
- Mm.
It's a romance novel, actually.
It's about a woman who's sad.
She's very sad,
and she just wasted the last 10 years
of her life on this terrible marriage.
Very pathetic.
It's very depressing in the beginning,
but, um
But then, one day,
she realizes what she wants
Truly and she
has this brilliant plan.
She keeps playing perfect housewife,
- but in the meantime
- Affair with her neighbor?
What? No.
She decides to kill her husband.
Why wouldn't she just leave?
Leave?
Like it's easy?
Like he'd just let her
take the $194 she has
and buy a bus ticket to Jersey?
What No. What would she do?
Sleep on the street?
No, he'd find her anyway.
And maybe she doesn't want to leave.
Maybe this isn't about leaving at all.
Maybe she wants him dead,
and he deserves it.
How is that romantic?
It's aspirational.
Computers are in back.
Thank you.
[WOMAN MOANING]
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Hi. Excuse me?
Sir?
Um, sir?
Hey, sorry, um,
how did you get past the, uh
The firewall?
Sorry, excuse me?
Hey.
Oh!
Oh, shit.
Uh
You okay?
Um I don't know.
I've never found a dead body before,
so I don't really
know if I did it right.
"Did it right"?
Well, I just didn't realize
I'd be so rattled.
Better than being used to it.
By now, an OD is welcome.
At least oxys aren't a mess.
We got this call once 300-pound dude,
dead in his fourth floor
walk-up for like five months.
Wait, this guy overdosed?
Yeah.
But he was wearing a Patagonia vest.
- Okay?
- Well, he could afford to shop at REI.
He wasn't living on the street.
Yeah, there's no type for
this sort of thing anymore.
All kinds of people OD.
Really?
Sure.
So
like, anyone c
Garbage men, cable guys,
could be on oxys? They could die?
Yeah, grandmas, frat kids.
Three of my cousins.
I don't remember the last time
I was shocked by an oxy OD.
But that 300-pound dude
leaking through the ceiling?
That was a surprise.
WAITRESS: So, how'd you do it?
I killed him with oxycodone
and made it look like an OD.
Brilliant.
[RADIO CHATTER]
Hello, Allison.
Hi, Dr. Gaetz.
Thank you for, uh, seeing me so quickly.
Of course. Kev carried
the bowling team on Thursday.
I owe him one.
So, uh, first up, we're gonna
get your height and weight,
- and then we'll
- Oh, do we have to?
'Cause I'm just
I'm just here with some back trouble.
Yep. Still need your height and weight.
- Come on.
- I'll take off my shoes.
It really doesn't matter.
So, you're having some back pain.
Yeah, um, lower back, mostly,
on the right-hand side.
I have to, uh, carry a lot of
boxes at the package store,
and it think I must have just
kind of tweaked last week
carrying a box of
Olde E onto the hand truck.
I know I should wear a brace,
but I have a hard time
admitting when I need help.
[CHUCKLES]
My, uh My Uncle Chu
Well, you know Chuck.
Um, he has a slipped disc,
and he said that there's
some pills that, um,
seem to be really helping him.
[SIGHS]
- Allison.
- Mm-hmm?
You know, pain medication,
it's not given out lightly.
Yeah, no, I Yeah, and I
I wouldn't expect that you
They're only given out
for people in real pain.
Of course.
These types of pills
get abused very often.
[SIGHS] Yeah, I've heard.
I've I've heard
that is It's awful.
Yeah. Ugh, yeah, yeah, right.
I am I'm fine, and I don't
want to get mixed up in all all that.
I haven't even tried
acupuncture yet, so
You talk to Kevin about this?
Uh, about my back?
I'm sure he'd want to chat about it
Your"pain."
I could call him with
you if you'd like
No, no, no.
I I don't want to
bother him with all that.
I am I'm fine.
Allison.
I think what you really
need is to talk to someone.
Maybe not Kevin, but a
A girlfriend or a a book club.
You got a book club where you sit around
with wine and chat about things?
Eh, not really.
Well, maybe a coworker.
Before you try
acupuncture,
I think you need to talk.
That'll be $75 for today's visit.
Yeah, sure.
[CHUCKLES]
♪♪
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
You know,
if you're looking for a good person
Someone to talk to I know someone.
Great with this sort of thing.
- A-A professional.
- No, thanks.
I don't do therapy.
It's worth considering.
Yeah, well,
just the thought of paying a stranger
to listen to me complain I
I-It's not like that.
Well, it's just, it's not for me.
I swear, she helped my sister-in-law.
Same thing. Alright?
Needed a little something for herself.
- Maybe not the greatest marriage
- Oh. Thank you.
[GROANING]
Oh. Ugh.
No, no. I got it.
Yeah, I'm I'm not sure
why I'm the one
hauling all the boxes back and forth.
Even though I got 15 years on you.
- It's fine.
- ALLISON: Sorry.
Uh, my back's been hurting a little bit.
How's Uncle Chuck's back been doing,
by the way?
Uh, well, you know.
Waiting for the insurance company
to approve the surgery
on his bulging disc,
and still saying the procedure's
"experimental."
I mean, they know he needs it.
I don't know what
the big experiment is, so
He's pretty much laid up
asking for meatball subs
and whiskey rocks from the couch.
But it's fine.
You still, uh, dole out
his pain meds, or?
Ugh.
Chuck says it makes
him feel like a child,
having me be in charge of him, so
- Yeah.
- He insists he can handle it himself
and I don't wanna argue anymore.
[CHUCKLES]
Allison.
Huh?
Are you giving up?
Uh, how do you mean?
B
What's going on here?
Oh, uh
You like like 10 miles of bad highway.
It's, uh, actually my new favorite.
Oh, it it's got stains.
I know.
I like 'em.
Okay.
Thing is this
sweatshirt is actually a
I mean, you've got a good shape
going on under all of that.
Don't just let yourself go.
It's not fair to Kev to just give up.
Not fair to Kev?
Look, I should be wearing
orthopedic shoes
from Hawley Lane for my plantars,
but Chuck says they make
me look like a night nurse
coming in to change his diaper.
- Mm.
- So what do I do?
I go over to Target,
I get myself nice flats.
I deal with my arches on my own time.
Okay, well, you know you
don't have to do that, right?
'Cause that's that's crazy.
No, honey.
That's marriage.
Uh, h-h-has Kev seen this new look?
- No.
- Oh, good. [LAUGHS]
No, I just wear this here.
- Oh.
- 'Cause I I get cold.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, okay.
I'll pick up a space heater from Lowe's.
Warm you right up.
♪♪
[RATTLING]
[CRASHING]
Ugh.
the minute I saw them!
They took it! I know they did!
- What's going on here?
- Oh!
I've got a terrible
feeling about something.
Let's check it out, shall we?
Alexer? Where's my stuff?
[LAUGHTER]
What the hell? It works for you!
Well, it's not "Alexer." It's "Alexa."
That's what I'm saying.
Alexer.
Alexer, where's my stuff?
[LAUGHTER]
What am I doing wrong?!
Speaking English.
Okay, try this. Say "Alexer."
Alexa.
There ya go.
Alexa, where's my stuff?
ALEXA: One shipment was
delivered for Kevin today.
Foul play!
My Belichick hoodie The closest thing
I have to a child was stolen!
Ugh. You don't want children.
Remember? You said it pulls focus
from what really matters in life
Your needs.
That sweatshirt was
gonna be my test case
My pride and joy.
Instead, it's probably stuffed
in the neighbor's closet.
All cold and alone.
Not even knowing I'm trying to find it.
It knows, Kev.
Damn foreigners are
tearing my boy apart!
Pete, you blame hurricanes
on foreigners.
Are you sure it's them?
Maybe it was just a
mistake with the mailman.
Allison, whose side are you on?
Sanity's.
Well, it's obvious what has to be done.
Set UPS on fire.
[LAUGHTER]
- No.
- Set the neighbors on fire.
No!
Neil, we don't let you do fire anymore,
remember?
I know.
But still
the flame
she calls to me.
We have to have
a Revolutionary War reboot!
I love a reboot.
This is almost as good
as the new "CHiPs"!
Rebels versus Redcoats.
Stealing that sweatshirt was
as bad as the Boston Massacre.
Worse!
You guys said the same
thing about cinnamon gum.
It's too hot.
Gum is meant to be minty and refreshing.
It's on!
Pat, go to the salon.
Get those leftover Roman candles.
- We're gonna need ammo.
- Roger that.
You left the fireworks at the salon?
There's so many times
I wanted to use them!
TOGETHER: We don't
let you do fire anymore!
Let's go, men!
We got a war to win!
Yes! Ow!
Oh! Hernia!
Alright, I'm good!
- You alright?
- I'm good!
We're men!
- TOGETHER: U.S.A.!
- Ow!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Oh.
- What's up?
- Nothin'.
'Cause I've been dying
to show you, uh
- Just, like, show someone.
- PATTY: Can it wait?
I gotta get to the
salon and start looking
for those Roman candles. They're buried
in the crawl space somewhere
and I'm gonna hit my head
at least three times trying to get 'em.
You're actually gonna
help them with that?
Yeah.
Oh.
- What?
- No, nothing.
I just thought that we were, uh
"We"?
I never really thought of us as a "we."
Yeah. Right.
My mistake.
So why the hell you tell
me about the money, then?
About Kevin?
I called the bank, and you were right.
The money's gone.
You blew up my life.
Was that just for fun?
No.
♪♪
I felt sorry for you.
Convincing yourself all your
dreams are gonna come true.
That you were destined for
something bigger than this.
That you were gonna be happy.
It was hard to watch.
I'm bad with cringe comedy.
Okay. So, I'm an idiot
for wanting something,
and you're fine with hitting your head
looking for the Roman candles
for the rest of your life?
Yes.
You felt sorry for me.
[LAUGHTER]
They're oatmeal raisin!
Oh! Ugh!
Why would you put fruit in a cookie?
Mixed messaging!
Like a dessert with homework.
Yeah, it's like putting a
vegetable in a a cookie.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, dear God.
No need to invoke the Lord.
The neighbors stole my jersey,
so I rightfully stole one of theirs.
Pretty sure we got
the Big Man's blessing on this.
After all eye for an eye,
tit for tit.
[LAUGHTER]
Look, does it always
have to be "tit for tit"?
Can't just you let some things go?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
This is a Revolutionary War, Allison.
Could you imagine if George Washington
just "let things go"?
Yeah, I can. We'd be Communists.
Oh, honey. Not even close.
Well, look at me.
I had a tiff with a friend,
so I baked some cookies to make peace.
- What friend?
- They're made up.
Just like leprechauns.
You taught me that.
KEVIN: Ouugh!
It was on the doorstep.
It's a message.
You want to let it go now, Allison?!
So, what is the message, exactly?
That they're not playing around.
Look at this!
It's clearly a Deflategate dig,
and it is not taken well.
Again, not even close.
Grrrgh!
Wait up!
Drgh!
[LAUGHTER]
Really.
What friend are these for?
Uh, someone who doesn't
pretend to hate things
they like just to be one of the guys.
Jesus, are you an after-school special?
Come on.
It's someone I can actually talk to.
- Hi.
- Oh, what the hell?
No, I know. I just came to apologize.
Careful, Marcus.
Barbie might break your nose this time.
Okay. Come here. Come here. Come here.
What are you
Look, I was in
a terrible place that day,
and I made a huge mistake.
I've never actually
slapped anyone before
Whoa, no, no, no. Hold on.
You didn't slap me, tough guy.
- I was fine.
- Okay.
Uh, of course.
Either way, I was very rude, and, um,
so I wanted to make it up to you.
Are you serious?
I dunno.
Everyone likes cookies.
It's a good gift.
You're not gonna be a pain in the ass
asking me for coke now, are you?
No, no, no, no, no. No.
Gave me some interesting ideas, but, uh,
I feel like my body's still recovering.
No, uh
- I want oxys.
- Jesus Christ.
Just like 10 to 15 pills.
I've already tried to get
a doctor to give them to me
Of course your first
thought was to ask nicely.
He just sent me to a therapist, and I
I need these.
I'm in very real pain.
Marcus, use your rape whistle.
Okay. Private conversation.
Look, I don't have
that shit on me, okay?
I I'm not that guy.
But, uh, I can hook you up with one.
Really?
Oh, my God, okay.
Thank you.
Be on the 14th Street
overpass at midnight.
- Tonight.
- Okay.
Don't try to pay in cookies.
N-No. [LAUGHS]
No, okay.
Uh, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, hey, I know it's not cash,
but, uh, do you think
that he'd think that this
hoodie was worth something?
Oh, it looks awful.
Uh, t-this was
This was worn by Belichick.
Bill Belichick?
My, uh my husband paid
Lord knows how much for it,
but God forbid I ask.
- Lady.
- Um, Allison.
I don't want to know
your name or your story.
- I don't care.
- Right.
Now get the hell out of here.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye, now.
- Goodbye. Okay.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for the raisin cookies.
Don't worry about washing the bowl.
♪♪
- Gah!
- [SCREAMS]
[LAUGHTER]
- What are you doing?!
- Gotta protect my lady.
Can't be too cautious.
Well, can't you?!
Not when the neighbors lit
our garbage cans on fire.
They what?! Why would they do that?
Well, after Knife-In-Football-Gate,
I had one of those strokes of genius.
I shoved a cherry
bomb inside a soccer
Soccer!
Ball, and I put it on their front lawn.
A true message.
What, that soccer blows?
Solid.
[LAUGHTER]
What? N-No.
That they cannot mess with me!
And that message was received.
You should have seen it.
The sparks! The colors!
Little flaming hexagons
flying everywhere.
It was It was It was spectacular!
But I also burned their lawn.
You lit their lawn on fire?
- I heard about that.
- It's fine.
A little singe will just make the grass
grow back twice as lush
If it's anything like my foot hair.
So, that's when they
torched our garbage cans?
Yeah. Can you believe it?
It's practically arson.
Well, you lit their lawn on fire!
They stole my sweatshirt!
You burned down their pergola!
Irregardless,
this is all just ramping up so fast,
we had to beef up security.
- And that's our security?
- Well, the bat is step one.
Step two is
Ah, Neil returns with step three.
I sent him to my guy.
He's former SWAT.
Neil, what are you doing?
Well, this is what your guy gave me.
Kev! You caved!
Wha?
- You got me a dog?
- 'Course not.
My "No Pets" rule stands.
I refuse not to be the
cutest thing in this house.
Impossible, babe.
Besides, that's not a dog.
That's a mistake.
Neil, I-I sent you to my guy to get,
like, a rifle or a crossbow
or something.
Yeah, well, your guy said
this was the most weapon
I could handle.
- It's something.
- Is it?
I don't know. He looks tired.
Maybe a little slow.
Yeah.
And lazy.
Doesn't seem like McRoberts material.
[LAUGHTER]
Dog, you're here on a trial basis.
No name till you're off probation.
And no cavortin' with my wife.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, so, what's step two?
Huh?
Well, step one's the bat.
Step three is the dog.
So what's step two?
Oh, I installed a full DING
security system outside.
Cameras at every door, motion-sensored.
I've got it wired, babe.
I'm feeling diligent, focused.
[DOG WHINES]
You got chips there?
- I brought them from home.
- Did you, now?
You know what they say about sharing.
- No.
- Gimme.
[LAUGHTER]
[GROWLS]
♪♪
God damn it.
[GROWLS]
[WHISPERING] Hi.
Good boy.
Hmm?
That's a good boy.
What's this?
Yeah, you're a good boy.
Well, actually, no.
That's not a nice thing to say.
I'm sorry.
Good boys don't get to do anything fun.
Trust me, I get it.
This is my first time
sneaking out of a house.
Why'd I wait so long to do
something like this, huh?
It's exciting.
It'll be a good story.
Oh.
Hey.
You wanna know another good story?
♪♪
I stole the goddamn hoodie.
Don't rat me out, okay, pal?
Thank you.
You stay there.
[GRUNTS]
[THUD]
[TRAIN PASSING]
Uh
You Marcus' girl?
Yeah. Well, no.
- I'm not his girl, but
- I got ya.
Uh, how do you wanna do this?
Uh
However you'd normally
do it is good, I guess.
Money first?
Sounds good.
- W-What do you want to pay
- So, wha Oh.
You g Uh, y-you go first. Sorry.
- $200?
- No way.
Most girls in your position
would be kissing the ground
I walk on for that price.
Well, I'm not most girls, so
$120, final offer.
Get in.
Uh, where we going?
We can't do this right here.
Oh.
S Uh So, you got the stuff?
[CHUCKLES] Oh
Oh, I got your stuff right here.
No, wha What the hell are you doing?
Oh, right.
Marcus said you were
into that sort of thing.
"Oh, no, Mister.
I'm not that kind of guy."
What?! No! No!
I'm not gonna have sex with you!
Marcus said I I would
have sex with you?!
E That's usually what
the money's for, yeah.
Oh, my No, I'm not a prostitu
Marcus said that you'd sell me pills.
Like, drugs?
La Lady, I sell life insurance.
[SIGHS]
Marcus was trying to get
back at me, so it
I'm sorry, I have to go.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- God damn!
- Oh!
What the hell?!
I-I I I was just
trying to tell you
there's a child lock on that door.
Oh, my God.
You You broke my frickin' nose!
I'm so sorry.
Here, here, here.
Ow! God!
Gah! Jesus Christ, lady!
The least you could
do is give me a handjob.
Oh.
No, thank you.
♪♪
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Allie.
- Hey.
- Uh, it's late.
- Yeah, sorry.
Um, how are you?
Uh
Uh, I don't really know how
to answer that question.
I know that I am supposed
to say, "I'm good.
How are you?"
Anything more than that is just rude.
No one actually wants
to know how you are.
It's just a way of saying, "Hello.
I'm good, how are you?"
Uh, but I actually wanted to
talk.
To me?
Yeah.
Thought maybe you were mad or something.
Why would I be mad?
Right.
Sure.
- You want a coffee or something?
- Uh
After the night I had,
I'd say an Irish coffee,
but I don't want to make you do that.
I can muscle through.
Well No,
I was being I was being rude.
Impossible.
This is really for me.
I used to love mixing drinks for you.
Remember our, uh, white trash margarita?
Yeah.
Yellow Gatorade and tequila.
- With a maraschino cherry.
- Ugh.
Of all the drinks I miss,
that one's pretty high up there.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Mm.
So, you wanted to talk?
Yeah.
About?
Uh
Something that isn't the weather,
or my aunt's foot ailments,
or the feud with the neighbors.
I've had the worst
decade, really.
Like, I can't believe how much time
I've spent talking about nothing.
And now that I feel like I
actually have something to say,
um, the closest thing that I have
to someone who cares is a dog.
I care.
Just that you knew me before
W-When we were younger.
I had friends, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I feel like they all had names
that started with J, K, and L.
Katie, Kelly, Lauren, Lindsay
- Julie.
- BOTH: Jess.
[CHUCKLES] They liked church.
- They loved church.
- Mm.
And your friends in the swim team.
Well, no.
Those girls didn't really like me.
I was a bit
Bit competitive.
"Was"?
Okay.
And I had the people at the restaurant,
and I had you.
I just don't know when I got
so isolated from everyone.
Wish you'd been here
for the last 10 years.
I mean, I'm not sure that
would've actually helped.
Why?
People who think they're
cut off from everyone
are actually often walling
themselves off from the world.
Okay, can we not? 'Cause I've already
turned down therapy
once this week, so
No, yeah. Sure.
I'm just saying,
when you talk about
wishing I'd been here
you're the one who pulled away.
I pulled away?
Okay, I mean, you were gone
way before I got married, okay?
Uh How are we talking about this?
I just wanted someone to talk with.
Did you, though?
'Cause from where I'm sitting,
you wanted someone
to listen and nod and agree with you.
You know what?
I take it back.
I'm good. How are you?
♪♪
Wha Have we been robbed?
That is absolutely correct.
Shouldn't we be calling the police?
Oh, simple Allison.
This is all a part of my master plan.
Okay, well, the last time you said that,
we had to cut down the oak
tree to get you out of it.
That tree was an eyesore for 300 years.
Paul Revere planted it.
Just listen.
The security system picked up
some of those damn neighbors
lurking outside the house last night.
Really?
Wh How do you know it was them?
Uh, he was wearing the hoodie.
That's tough, babe.
Thank you.
But as I was trying to lure
an entire family of skunks
under the neighbor's house,
I realized that that security
footage gives me all the ammo
I need to go to the insurance company.
So, ta-dah!
Kevin, we agreed you'd give up magic
when that playing card
punctured your eardrum.
Allison, I can't even hear
you to agree with you.
[LAUGHTER]
This is the magic of insurance.
I talked to the guy
about my stolen hoodie
and all the, eh wink
other stuff missin' here.
Guy's coming down later today
to take claims on everything.
TV, Wade Boggs rookie card,
your father's ashes.
- Kevin.
- [LAUGHS] I'm just kidding.
He's not worth anything.
No, I mean, isn't this fraud?
No way.
Our stuff is actually missing.
I mean, maybe if you
went over to Neil's garage
it might all be in there, but who knows?
Not I!
Y No, no, no! And not you!
I am not going in Neil's garage.
- I am taking Bill out.
- Whoa, whoa.
Who's Bill,
and where are you taking him?
Bill is what I named our dog.
Where is he?
Oh, uh, that whole security
system wasn't working.
The cameras were blurry,
the dog was a bum,
and the bat broke when Neil and
I were smashing watermelons.
I scrapped all of it.
All of it?
- Even the dog?
- I took him back to my guy.
I expect I'll get some
sort of store credit
once he finds "Bill" tied to his porch.
You abandoned the dog?
When I left, I gave him half
my bacon, egg, and cheese.
If that's abandonment,
abandon me every morning.
[LAUGHTER]
With that insurance money,
I can get the hoodie
that Belichick wore
in the 2017 playoffs.
[LAUGHS]
- So, that other hoodie
- Keep it, foreigners!
Put another win on the board!
In the game of life, it's Kevin 632,
Life 3.
New Belichick Hoodie Day, baby!
Yay-uh!
[CLOCK TICKING]
♪♪
Oh, um, excuse me.
Is there a therapist office in here?
WOMAN: Therapist?
Ah, yeah.
Just, uh, ask for a wash like Barb gets.
She'll hook you up.
She'll "hook me"
Oh, it's drugs.
[BELL ON DOOR RINGS]
[SINK RUNNING]
WOMAN: One sec.
Shit.
Shit.