Kevin Can Wait (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Donna.
Where's the Icy Hot? My shoulder's jacked.
[Sighs.]
Oh.
Never mind.
I got it.
[Sighs.]
There we go.
[Grunting.]
[Groans.]
Get in there.
Fire in the pit.
I got fire in the pit! Aah! Ride it out.
Aah! [Groans.]
Aah.
Ohh.
Whew.
[Grunts.]
Ooh.
Aah! Hot.
Donna.
Hey.
- Donna.
- Hmm? You got to help me.
Switch sides.
My shoulder is killing me.
Just roll over.
I can't.
I've slept this way for 20 years.
Please stop talking.
Okay.
[Grunts.]
[Sighs.]
There we go.
[Sighs.]
Ow! What?! - I'm sorry.
- What are you doing?! My shoulder's hurt.
I can't sleep.
- So you throw a book at me?! - No.
I was just I was trying to build a wall.
What? Why? I didn't expect to see your face like that.
Like what? Nothing.
It's just your, uh Your sleepy face is just a little Uh, it's just a little disconcerting.
So you're saying I'm ugly? No.
No.
I'm just saying you're an ugly sleeper, you know.
Hmm.
But conscious, you're a 10.
I mean, I didn't even know You're way out of my league now, when you're awake.
Whatever.
Good night.
Could you do me a solid and face the other way? Seriously? - It's just - No.
This is how I sleep.
All right, then, can we switch sides and I'll look at the closet and you can be back behind me making all the zombie faces you want? [Scoffs.]
Unbelievable.
[Sighs.]
- I really appreciate it.
- Such a baby! [Groans.]
So, I'll just rest in this gully you've carved out.
It's like sleeping in a fat canoe.
I am not your ordinary guy Wow.
Never knew you had such a great view of the TV from your side of the bed.
There's no glare.
Sound really comes alive.
Okay, well, don't get used to it, because soon as your shoulder's better, we're switching back.
You know it's like five steps from your side of the bed to the bathroom? It's like a step and a half from the closet.
All right.
Well, I will update my records.
Where's my lip balm? It's gotta be like 30 steps from my side.
That's a massive time-saver for you.
Okay, well, sweetie, please, just write down everything, all right How many steps it is from here to the kitchen, here to your friend's house Whatever you want.
And I promise, when I get back, we'll talk about it, okay? You don't really mean that, do you? I don't.
Love you.
Man: This week's Iron Vegan Challenge was exceptionally difficult.
Each of you very talented chefs were tasked with making a vegan fondue with nothing but chickpeas, curried lentils, and water from the Dead Sea.
Renee, the judges have spoken, and they find your fondue to be more of a fon-don't.
Take your knives and leave the kitchen immediately.
[Sobbing.]
Is Chale crying at a cooking show? Shh! Mom.
Jack, stop it.
Hey, you said if we see something, say something.
That was weird.
It was.
Okay, look.
Show's over.
It's bedtime, anyway.
Let's go.
[Sniffles.]
Babe.
You were crying pretty good there.
Renee getting eliminated caught me off-guard.
Did you see that? Oh, honey.
It was kind of hard not to.
Now, is there any [Chuckles, sighs.]
[Cries.]
I need a minute.
Is there a chance that maybe a member of his family was killed on a cooking show? I wish.
I mean, I love him so much, and I'm going to marry him, but is it bad that I want to dial down his emotions a little bit? Well, it's not wrong, honey.
It's just impossible.
You can't change people, you know? If you could, your father wouldn't have lucky sweatpants.
Yeah, I just think with him moving down here and living with us, you know, he doesn't have any guy friends anymore.
Oh! Maybe he could hang out with Dad and his buddies.
Ooh, honey, no.
That's just throwing Chale into a piranha tank.
All that'd be left are bones and his little glasses.
Mom, I have to do something.
Okay, and I hear you, but could we deal with it tomorrow? I gotta go rotate our mattress.
That memory foam can't seem to forget your father.
3, 4, 5 steps from her side of the bed, and boom She's hitting porcelain.
So, you're, like, twice as far away.
It's more than that.
It's like a marathon.
Halfway to the bathroom, I'm getting passed by a Kenyan.
I'm guessing people from a lot of countries are passing you.
[Chuckles.]
Easy, guy.
I don't see your shirt coming off in the pool, either.
Anyway, she took over the bedroom, and forget the bathroom.
Her sink space is like this.
Mine right there.
Okay, bad news, guy.
It's not just the bedroom and the bathroom.
Donna's changed up the whole house.
What are you talking about? You're out of your mind.
Oh, am I? I've been divorced three times, pal.
I know women.
You don't believe me? That's your favorite chair, right? Let me ask you one simple question.
Does it recline like the old one? It goes with everything else in the room.
Right, right.
But does it recline? It was a floor model.
We got 10% off it.
I understand.
Does it recline? - We got free delivery, you know.
- Does it recline?! No, it doesn't recline! I hate this chair! All right, fan out, boys.
Let's take inventory of everything she did.
All right? This ends now.
Let's go.
I'm guessing this juicer ain't yours.
Prime location, right near an outlet.
That's where my George Foreman grill used to be.
I loved that thing.
Bad news on the DVR.
- What's up? - You don't want to know.
Hit me! "Say Yes to the Dress," 14 episodes Some of them repeats.
Wow, yeah, I'm telling you, man, this This is not good.
Well, hey, we just retired.
We're gonna start seeing things.
I just found out the stray cat that's been hanging around outside our house is actually our cat.
You got one hot sauce in here, and it's way in the back.
This whole fridge is a joke.
Okay, you know what? Just shut the door, all right? I'm getting a blast of cold air on the back of my neck, and Wait a second.
That's why she had me sit here.
She told me it was the head of the table.
It's a round table, guy.
A-And look at this.
Her coffee mug, right in the place of honor.
And mine, it's way up he [Groans.]
Wait a second.
That's how I hurt my shoulder.
Go Aah.
Aah! Okay, whatever you're doing Aah! I got it! I'd stop.
Duff, just do me a favor.
Get me an ice pack.
No can do.
All you got is Brussels sprouts and frozen yogurt.
It's like you don't even exist.
Hey, babe.
What's up? I'll tell you what's up The jig.
The jig? That's right.
It's up.
You almost got away with it, too.
What are you talking about? This house and everything in it, and how it's all for your benefit.
Let's start with your coffee mug, huh? Yours is right here, next to the coffee maker.
And mine Way up in Bursitis County! That is how I hurt my shoulder.
No, you hurt your shoulder doing a cartwheel at the bowling alley.
That was not my shoulder.
That was my ankle, because I stuck the landing.
Let me ask you a couple questions.
Where's my George Foreman grill, and where's my recliner? Probably up in the attic, with all the other stuff you bought and don't use.
Oh, you got an answer for everything, don't you? And this refrigerator is a joke.
Oh, now you're mad at the fridge? Yeah.
You know what? You feel that? Do you feel that? All that cold air that hits my neck when I'm in the chair that you made me sit at.
- What?! - Yeah.
You begged to sit in this chair, remember? You wanted your back to the microwave so you could be surprised by the ding.
You chose this seat.
Did I? Who really chooses The person who chooses or the person who creates the illusion of choice? The person who chooses.
Are you saying that I somehow Jedi mind-tricked you into all this? Look, I don't know what techniques you use or don't use.
Okay, sweetheart, obviously, you are upset.
- No, no, no, no.
- Okay? Upset is when you find a little black French fry in your box of onion rings, okay? I am beyond, and I'm making changes now.
If I want a beanbag chair in the bathroom, I'm getting a beanbag chair in the bathroom.
No.
Babe, this house, it works, okay? It's like a beautiful old sweater that I have been knitting for years.
Please don't come in and start pulling threads.
This isn't working for me.
And I hear you, all right? But don't get mad at me for decisions that were already made.
I can't go back in time and change them.
But you are right, all right? You should be making decisions.
Thank you.
Okay, so let's make a deal, okay? From this moment on, you and I have to agree on everything.
That's all I've been trying to say.
And I'm moving my mug right over by the coffee maker.
Okay, fine.
You win.
You win.
All right? We are copacetic.
Yeah.
Copacetic.
Great.
I'm gonna go get caught up on "Say Yes to the Dress.
" And I'm gonna look up the word "copacetic.
" So, I put the hammer down, you know? She gave me some dance-around about a fuzzy sweater and all that.
And I told her, "Hey.
No mas.
" You know? Anyway, we're copacetic now.
So, let me get this straight.
She let you move one coffee cup and you're happy? Not happy Copacetic.
And bonus Anything we want to change in the future, we both got to agree on.
It's a total victory.
What are you talking about, guy? You just argued your way back to status quo.
No, I'm telling you, I-I won.
She even said, "You win.
" She lollipopped you.
What? Yeah.
It's like with my kids.
Whenever they want something big, I give them a lollipop, and they forget about the big thing.
So, his lollipop is your coffee cup.
Yeah, I did the math, Chewbacca.
Hey, Uncle Kyle, thanks again for doing this.
And please don't say anything to Chale about what we're doing, 'cause it would really hurt his feelings.
Gotcha.
A couple of tatted-up Brazilians fighting in a cage, some beers [Chuckles.]
We're gonna have your guy manned up in about an hour.
Give me a weekend, I'll kill every emotion he's got.
No, no.
Just your basic manning-up package.
We don't need him dead behind the eyes.
All right! Let's prepare to tussle! Okay, I've got some studying to do, so I'm gonna go grab my books.
You have chips, some beer, so enjoy the whup-ass! What's up, bud? Oh, this fight's gonna be great.
This guy Novack is an animal.
Ooh.
He once bit off a guy's ear.
The ref put it on ice so they could reattach it.
[Laughs.]
I mean, he can wear glasses and stuff, but they just don't sit right on his face.
Here we go! Announcer: Before this next fight starts, a bittersweet backstory on Vladi Novack.
He grew up in a refugee camp in war-torn Croatia where his only friend was his grandmother.
He vowed to give her a better life in the United States.
Sadly, undiagnosed diabetes claimed her life within hours of arriving in New York before she could ever see the beautiful new home Novack bought for her.
Novack has dedicated this fight to all the grandmothers sitting in refugee camps around the world tonight.
Okay, what happened?! I was gone for two minutes.
[Voice breaking.]
He bought his sick grandmother a house.
[Voice breaking.]
And she never got to see it.
- Hey, ki ids.
- Hey, Mom.
You want a grilled cheese waffle? Um n-no, thank you.
Where'd this chair come from? Dad did it.
It's awesome, right? There's a beanbag chair in the bathroom.
Also awesome! [Scoffs.]
Whoa.
Buzzkill.
Hey.
I saw the recliner in the kitchen.
That's classy.
What is that smell? My candle.
It smells like meatloaf.
'Cause it's a meatloaf candle.
Ew! And what are you wearing? Well, I was up in the attic, and I found my leg-compression pants that give me a spa-quality massage.
And my ab-shocker Found this.
Yeah.
Six-pack abs with ab-solutely no exercise.
[Sighing.]
Ohh.
You're kidding me.
I'm not kidding you, and I'm starting my workout right now.
- [Grunts.]
Ooh.
- Honey.
I thought that we had an agreement that we were going to discuss things like this.
Let's talk about it.
Ooh.
While I lay back here, get a little ab workout, and watch the latest Jason Bourne DVD Well, you sound like an iiidiot.
Turn that thing off.
Okay.
I'm turning it off.
Not because you told me to Because my workout's over, anyway.
Abs feel like they're popping.
Can you see them through the shirt? You catching them? Where's the TV? Oh.
It's right over there.
Mm.
Follow the thumb.
Yeah.
Oh! - TV on the ceiling! - Yeah.
That's ridiculous! Why don't you just staple some magazines up there, too, and we can both read without using our arms? Tell you what I'll consider it, but how are we gonna turn the pages? Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to improve the circulation in my walking sticks.
- [Whirring.]
- Here we go.
I know you think you're being cute, but all of this is going back to the attic.
Sorry, I can't hear ya! Got leg bags inflatin'.
Hope it's copacetic.
[Sighs.]
Man, that feels good.
Wow.
That got tight quick.
Ohh.
Oh, come on.
Get lower, man.
Aah.
Hey, Donna! Aah! Donna! [Groans.]
Hey, Donna! Ohh! Aah! Ohh! Donna! Donna! - Donna! - What the hell?! Unplug my pants! Unplug my pants! - [Air hisses.]
- Okay.
That's not working! They're still compressing! - Cut 'em off me! Cut 'em off me! - All right.
Okay.
- Cut 'em off me! - Okay.
Okay.
Hold on a second.
Careful with that.
[Groans.]
- [Air hissing.]
- Aah! Oh! Aah! Ohh.
Aah.
Ohh.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Are you okay? Yeah.
Ohh.
[Exhales sharply.]
Now I remember why I stopped using these things.
- They're crazy-dangerous.
- Mm.
So, obviously, this is not just about making decisions.
What's going on? [Sighs.]
I'm I'm the George Foreman grill.
There you go.
What are you talking about? I just looked around the house at all this stuff that I wasn't a part of, and I don't know.
I felt like I was somebody who was just, like, shoved up in the attic with all this other junk.
I feel like I don't matter.
Oh, honey, no.
You matter.
And I'm sorry if I did anything to make you feel like you didn't.
You know, maybe I did subconsciously do some stuff for me, but my intention was always just to make this a big, happy house for all of us.
And you did an amazing job, all right? It's just I'm home now.
- Yeah.
- You know? And I have ideas, too.
I just need you to trust that my ideas my ideas are valid.
All this stuff is going back.
Not my meatloaf candle.
Fine.
Total victory.
[Dog whimpering.]
[Somber music playing.]
[Sniffling.]
Hey, what's going on with you? Nothing.
Good movie.
Glad I picked it.
Dog's having a rough day.
But this is really sad.
I mean, the dog is dying, and the kitten just went over a waterfall.
Nothing? Your Uncle Kyle told me your little plan.
Apparently, you want an emotionless dreamboat.
Well you got him.
Okay, Chale, look, I made a huge mistake.
I-I shouldn't have tried to change you.
Just be who you are, because I love that person.
Really? Yeah.
Okay, good.
Because when the kitten went over the waterfall, [Sobbing.]
he had his little It was just It was too much.
You okay [Sobs.]
with this? More or less.
Oh, thank you.
[Sobbing.]
Oh.
I'm sorry it didn't work out, Chale.
If it's any consolation, I'll pay for your flight back to England.
Dad, we're not breaking up.
Offer still stands.