Key and Peele (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

We gone rogue on the street With this all taking heat Honeys dropping their jeans Want pieces of me 'cause I run this whole block with these rhymes and this Glock Make this whole damn hood This my town I'm the talk, cock of the walk I'm the boss and the king [beep.]
kissing my ass, and bitches kissing my ring.
Don't stop, yeah! You know it's true.
I'm the leader of the free world.
He's the president.
I Catch you - Welcome to the show.
I am Keegan.
- And I am Jordan.
- And this is "Key & Peele".
- Yes.
Well done.
Keegan and I both have white moms.
We have white moms.
And the thing about having a white mom being a black guy is, as a kid, a white mom can't hit a black kid in public.
Can't do it.
Can't do it.
Gets too racial too fast.
That's right.
It escalates, and escalates to this racial thing.
I became aware of this at a very young age.
I think my mother spanked me once in the grocery store.
I swear to God, Keegan.
You know that tear that Denzel Washington does in Glory? When he's getting whipped? That's what I did! And I promise you, just instinctively, it came out to me.
This is what I did.
Just hit me like you're my mom in the grocery store.
I said: Mama, don't you hit no black boy's booty Two hundred years, and nothing changes Mr.
Lewis, thank you for coming in, with your associates.
I know this is hard to hear, but we need to make some serious decisions about your mother's health.
Let's be honest: she is getting on in years.
Oooh! Stammed Okay I see how it is.
I see how it is.
Well, yo mama so old, I I was just saying that your mother's condition is deteriorating because she's getting older.
Oooh! See That's cold, Doc.
That's a cold one.
Okay Okay I see how it is Hey, ya Yo mama so old in her history class, they just wrote down what her was doing.
Mr.
Lewis, this isn't about an insult contest.
Not only is your mother elderly, but also her ability to walk is currently being affected by her weight.
Oooh! See - Okay.
It just got real.
- No, I'm not insulting her.
- I'm trying to tell you - Yo mama is so fat when she go to the movie theater, bitch sits next to every way.
Listen to me, okay? Your mother needs to manage her weight, or there can be some real problems.
O-o-o-o-o-kay! All right, yeah, yeah! Yo mama is so fat she need a latitude and longitude number to find her own ass[beep.]
! Look at his face! - Give it to me.
- That's coordinates Coordinates - Now, who's the doctor? - I am the doctor.
Mr.
Lewis, I am.
And it is my job to make sure that your mother is getting the care that she needs.
We are talking about the woman who took care of you your whole life.
The least you can do is take care of her in her old age, and take this seriously.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry that I lost my temper.
No, really, doctor.
I guess I was just joking around, because I know her condition is very serious, and I don't know, I guess humor is the only way I can really deal with it.
I just know that she said so many times she doesn't anything invasive done.
Really? I was not aware of that.
That's interesting because she did not mention that to me in our previous conversation because it was difficult to hear her with my [beep.]
in her mouth.
Snap, Mr.
Lewis.
Oooh Snap! Now, let's talk about the procedures.
Hello, everybody out there.
This is Brock Favors with Traffic on the One.
Chad Armstrong is all sick today.
So I am filling in from my usual land reports.
And I'm up her in the chopper.
But, I've got to tell you guys, I am loving the view.
Oh, my God! Not that All right, ah ah Well, we are, eh we are over the town and it's massively clogged down there like a pint of maple syrup on a cool November morning.
Damn! We're all gonna die in this [beep.]
er.
Ooh, my God! Ooh! Okay Okay, I am I am very sorry, folks.
And it's a little bit of a bumpy ride up here.
We are now approaching the 405.
And, well, the left lane is blocked by a mattress.
So, somebody is gotta doing a little bit of return to Ikea later today.
If you know what I'm saying Oh, mother[beep.]
place Oh, go to Hell Get me out of this mother[beep.]
*** right now.
Oh, no! Black people aren't meant to be in the sky.
We aren't meant to be in the sky, man! Oh, Mama, help me, mother[beep.]
er Oh, Mama Well, the 405 is [beep.]
ed right now.
Ain't nobody going down in this [beep.]
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm very sorry, folks I'm very sorry about it, but I'm losing my [beep.]
up here.
Actually, you have every right to.
We're about to crash.
Oh, [beep.]
, help me! Oh, my God! Help Mother, help So, here's something Jordan and I love to watch white guys fight.
- It's sublime.
- Favorite pastime.
any night, any morning, you can see this.
- Best thing in the world.
- It's like watching Nat.
Geo It's the Discovery Channel for us, it's Animal Planet.
This is how it happens.
White guys, they start with phase one.
Phase one, which is the arms back phase.
- Arms back, just completely.
- And stretched out on back.
And it's like: "Do you wanna do something there?" "What are you doing?" "I'm already doing it.
" I need to keep my arms back.
As if they're so dangerous, I gotta keep'em back here.
Phase two, they lock horns.
"Do you want it? That's what I gonna do" - "Get off of my shirt.
" - "I'm not on your shirt.
" - Two minutes later.
- Two minutes later.
- "I'm [beep.]
ing love you.
" - "Best friend, dog.
" "You are my brother, dude.
You know that.
"I would never do anything.
I would never do that.
" Two more minutes.
White dudes cannot decide if they want to fight or not.
They can't do it.
Then, phase four comes.
And that's when one of the guys has the genius idea to do the Fake out.
So, he's gonna walk away, act like and he's gonna do a sneak attack.
Using karate, which he does not practice.
"I don't care.
I don't care anymore, dude.
"Forget about this, dude.
You know what? "What are you doing, man?" And always, always, there is a drunk white girl, on the sidelines, just talking about: "You guys, stop fighting!" - "Megan, shut up!" - "Aaaaaaaah!" "I don't need your help, Megan.
" "You guys are best friends.
" "Megan, seriously, Megan shut up!" I love this place.
It's amazing.
I read it's like four stars somewhere.
I would rate it six stars, just like in Cosmo.
- Girl, let's take a picture.
- Let's take a picture right now.
- Oh, my God.
I'm making a face.
- One big nose.
Delete it What am I doing? I look like a whale! - I'm looking like an orca whale.
- Delete it! Everybody! On the ground! Oh, my God! What is happening now? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! All right, all right! God, listen to me.
How do I do? I look like I'm 40.
I gonna delete it.
(***) Come on guy, (***) Guy, I look like a 5 year-old dreaming.
- I gonna delete it.
- Delete it! Police! Drop your weapon! I look like a cloverfield.
- Just had a stroke or something? - Delete it! Right? Yeah! - We're kidnapped - Ladies, can you just show me the picture you were talking about, please? For our sake.
Yeah, stop.
Great.
Right there.
It's great! Grady, we have a clear shot of the perpetrator.
He's out with the shotgun and everything.
Wait, wait - Where did the picture go? - We deleted it.
- Gross! - What? - I had childbirth face.
- Yeah, I looked like my grandmother - having an orgasm.
- Delete it.
Grady, book these idiots for destroying evidence.
Whew Why are you being so manhandling? I don't believe this.
Why are we even here? We were the heroes of the evening.
We stopped the perpetrator.
Now, we're being arrested? Oh, my God.
Hot shot, be around.
What ? No! No, you cannot arrest me with that picture.
Are you kidding me? - Delete it.
- I was blinking.
This is ridiculous.
- Delete it right now.
- Delete it.
Delete it! This got to be deleted.
You have to delete this picture.
When Keegan laughs, when he finds something funny, it's over, you have to move.
I have to move.
It's out of the question for me to laugh sitting still.
It doesn't happen.
If I'm watching television alone, by myself, in my home, this is what happens.
I'm a little bit of *** Nobody's even there to watch it.
I can't do it.
I can't sit still.
I have to express myself physically.
And so, a really serious situation for me is watching a comedy on a plane.
- Oh, gotcha.
- That is a problem.
I do feel for your fellow passengers.
I was literally on a plane watching "Bridesmaids".
Remember the scene when she's got on a wedding dress, and she poops on over the street? That scene comes on and this is what literally happens to me.
Drink car! Drink car! I'm done.
Ladies and gentlemen, please turn off your cellphones, and enjoy our production of "Lunch With Greatness.
" My, my, my! What a beautiful day in Montgomery, Alabama.
I swear the sun is so hot I nearly melted.
Indeed, Dr.
King, but I suspect we didn't meet here just to talk about the weather.
Indeed, brother Malcolm.
Unless, of course, we articulate that the sun in this country shines brighter on some than it does on others.
Yes, but when the sun does shine on us, it is growing the seeds of revolution.
I see your point, brother Malcolm, but do not those same seeds need to be watered with love? I suppose that it is the subject And I'm all for discussion, brother Malcolm, Unless, of course, the words devolve into proclamation of hate! But is that not why we are here today, Dr.
King? To discuss.
Yes, brother Malcolm, and I am confident that, as we discuss We are all going to discuss it, and discuss it, until I say that our people have never resorted to violence before the white man gave us no choice but to pay him back in the only currency he understands.
Brother Malcolm Is that what you really have to say? At this point? In our lunch? Indeed, Dr.
King Because we didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
Plymouth Rock landed on us.
Okay, well, yes, all right Yeah I heard you say that before.
I don't know why we're talking about rocks, when, in fact, it is the flesh, and the bone, and the dreams.
I have a dream that some day our children will be judged by the content of their character, not by the color of their skin.
Same for me, same for me In fact, I believe that one day a black man will become the President of the United States of America! Hopefully for eight years.
Obama 2012! Of course, eight years.
Of course, eight years.
That's a given, right? That's a given, you know.
I mean But in order to get there, isn't he going to need the help of our strong, beautiful black women? Gotta respect the sisters! Gotta respect the sisters! Gotta respect the sisters! As Wesley Snipes said in "Passenger 57", "Always bet on black!" Okay, so Keegan and I, we grew up in the nineties.
And, if you don't know, the fashion in the nineties was godawful.
Horrific.
And the worst thing in all the nineties - were the Z.
Cavaricci's.
- See, I don't even know these The Z.
Cavaricci's, they were pant.
And the waist of the pant was so high, it was like, "What are you? A toreador?" And they had these pockets, that had these pleats on them, which gave the illusion of hips.
I'm a man! I'm a man The leg looked like an ice-cream cone.
It whiiiiiiiiiiiiipped Tapered in here.
And, then, at the bottom, you would take the excess, and just go like that, and roll them up to taper an already tapered pant.
Why are you tapering a tapered pant? Why are you getting so mad? Because I wore them, Jordan.
I wore them.
- Wowwowowow You know that I have been waiting Had these feelings for so long Had to feel so right, baby How can this feeling be wrong? Sometimes, the thing that you've been searching for Has been right there the whole time So, baby, I'm here to tell ya I'm waiting right here, just to make you all mine You You're the one I've always longed for You It's a feeling I can't hide You And I've always been your baby Standing right here by your side Yeah, it's been building up inside of me And I just gotta to come out And tell you what I'm feeling, girl Tell you our love is what I'm talking about I gonna tell you where my heart goes And what it has known for so long I finally need to show you My arms are wide open, that's where you belong You You know I'll make love to you gently You The way I've seen it in my mind You I will take care of you, baby There ain't no rush, baby let's take our sweet time I'd do it to you in some new way you've never done before Open up your mind, I will open up your door I've been searching all around, for the one I can call mine Sometimes, the thing you're searching for has been there the whole time You I wanna give you all I got now You And I'll take all you can give You And I'll never turn my back on you As long as we both shall live I'm talking about you You, standing right in front of you You Nothing left to hide You Sugar, say, I'm telling you Everything I've kept very deep inside I'm rubbing up against Your big bald head Your big bald head I'd say your big bald head in the knob There is no-one else I could be possibly talking about 'Cause you are bald, and you are here You You're a woman, I'm a man, now You And you know that's how I like it You And I'm specifically talking You Because you're a girl and I am the opposite You Woman, woman, woman, woman, woman You You are a woman, I am a man You You know I like women You Because I am a man You Never liked a man in my life before You And I don't like one now - Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Good night everybody.
- Good night.