Kidding (2018) s01e02 Episode Script
Pusilanimous
1 [ENNUI.]
Previously on Kidding I want do a show about death.
I don't think you're ready to talk about that.
What are you doing here? [WILL.]
She did not leave you because Phil died.
She left you because you're a pussy.
Do you think I should get an apartment closer to the house? [HUMMING.]
[SIGHS.]
P-Hound.
- [JEFF.]
What does the P stand for? - Yeah.
[BEES BUZZING.]
[SEB.]
Jeff needs to heal.
Mr.
Pickles is fine.
[JOANNE.]
So what do you think? [JEFF.]
It's perfect.
[DISQUIETING MUSIC.]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER.]
[TOOL WHIRRING, METAL SQUEAKING.]
[METAL CLANGS.]
[TOOL CRANKING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[STRUMS STRINGS.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Es Uke-Larry [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[METAL SQUEAKING, TOOLS WHIRRING.]
[TRANQUIL MUSIC.]
[CAR CHIRPS.]
[STRAINING.]
[LIGHT PIANO RAG.]
[SIGHS.]
Did you ever feel like there's nothing to do? Well, that's how Ennui Le Triste is feeling right now.
Let's take a trip to Pickle Barrel Falls and see if we can help.
See you at the bottom.
[JAUNTY PIANO RAG.]
[LIGHT HUMMING.]
Whoa.
Bonjour, Ennui! [SPEAKING FRENCH.]
Crusty, as usual.
Bored, bored, bored! - [ENNUI.]
Everything that I - They're gonna laugh at me.
[ENNUI.]
I've already done before.
Well, if they laugh at you they're gonna get a real kick out of me.
[JEFF.]
I'm sure we can think of something.
I mean, just think of all the toys you have at home.
[TANNER.]
How did you get out of the television? [SIGHS.]
Actually, the hard part isn't getting out.
It's getting back in.
[JEFF.]
You want to touch my head? Dare you.
Eww, creepy! [LAUGHS.]
[JEFF.]
Can I touch yours? Let me see yours.
Oh, dude, that's so cool! You got a fade going.
That's really neat.
That's my best friend in the whole world in the doorway.
Does she look excited to see me? [TANNER.]
No.
Hey.
I don't want you to be nervous, but tomorrow, there's gonna be a lot of Jell-O.
I hope you can handle it.
[LAUGHS.]
[MUTTERS.]
Mom, I think Mr.
Pickles has brain cancer too.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Who's the man in your life that isn't me? What happened to your hair? How long have you been seeing him? We've been together a couple months.
- It's casual.
- I think Will should stay at my house one more night a week.
I think one night a week is working.
I want healthy decisions for us, not casual ones.
It's very soon to let a man into our home, into Phil's home Will's home.
Sheesh.
Actually, it's good that you're here, to have a conversation about setting boundaries.
You mean distance? [SIGHS.]
I found out what the P in P-Hound stands for.
Now every time I see the letter P, I think of the word "pussy," and it haunts my head.
I used to call Phil "my little P-nugget," and now I hear "pussy-nugget," and I can't call him that in my daydreams anymore.
You can set boundaries too.
Like our shared checking account.
I'm gonna ask you if I can buy a new car, - and you can say no.
- Why do you need a new car? I'd like to not drive the same model minivan the insurance company coughed up, and I'm done pretending that there isn't money to spend on myself.
You should get whatever makes you and Will comfortable.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Maybe I'll come over later, meet your new guy.
I'll make one of those sour cream-blueberry pies that I make that you like.
- No! - Anyway Good luck with all your new decisions.
Did you really shave your head for that kid? No, silly.
Is there a way to tell if, you know, somebody's gay? - [CLAY.]
Course you can.
- How? You just ask them.
I mean, I would say hello first.
[CLAY.]
Yeah.
Turn them upside down.
[CLAY.]
If they curl up into a ball, they're gay.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hi, everybody.
[QUIET WALTZ MUSIC.]
Fuck.
[CLAY.]
What what's happening? I'm confused.
W-where were you that there were so many bees? Can you give us a second, Derrell? Oh, my God.
What happened to your face? What happened to yourself? I thought we could make this a season about things that are missing, like hair.
Oh.
We can impart the idea that change is a good thing.
It's okay.
Who we are is so much greater than what happens to us.
And for the last show, we take the death episode off the shelf, and we air it, and we say, "This happened! And I'm still me.
" You look like you are about to climb a Texas tower - and shoot people.
- Don't say that.
You look like Lee Harvey Oswald's creative younger brother.
You look like Shooty the Clown.
I am the Pope in a Speedo.
I am the Oreo cookie without its creamy center, but if you dip me in milk, I'm still a mouthful of yummy.
The affiliate stations air us out of order.
Don't you think it's gonna be just a little confusing for the children when one day, Jeff Pickles has hair, and the next day, he's paved a sidewalk down the center of his head? I don't care.
They can air it out of order.
PBS is gonna get the impression that you are mentally unfortified.
Please, don't put me in this position with the network.
They're gonna shelve us for six weeks while your hair grows back.
Think of all the people you'll put out of work.
[AMIKA.]
We call it a Tiger Stripe.
[JEFF.]
Ah.
Where does it come from? Russian women with very few opportunities.
How's that look, Mr.
P.
? Really wish you wouldn't call me that.
Just Jeff.
Jeff is fine.
Don't go anywhere, Jeff.
[SEB.]
We're strong men.
We keep the struggle inside.
You had an off day.
When Amika's done, no one will be able to see you're slipping.
[SEB.]
That's a secret I'll keep between us.
I bought the house next to Jill's.
And why would you do that? They need me, even if they don't know they need me.
Jill has a black hole inside her.
It's swallowing her sunshine.
She's trying to fill it with red wine and penises, and Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician.
He has no one to open up to.
No healthy friends.
If he doesn't have me to share his inner life with, his imagination could die.
Did you tell them you did this? I'm sure it'll be odd at first, but when I show up, knock on the door, with my blueberry-sour cream pie, and I say, "Hey, friends.
I'm your new neighbor," we'll find our footing.
And you don't think they'll see all that as just a little bit aggressive? I saw Jill hugging another man, or he was hugging her.
[SEB.]
You mean fucking.
No.
Regular hugging.
[SEB.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is it serious? I don't know.
I don't think so.
How could it be? [GASPING.]
[DISQUIETING MUSIC.]
Mr.
Piccirillo, you forgot the extra credit.
I don't think freshmen are allowed off-campus lunch.
I told you, I got you.
Get in.
All right.
[LAUGHTER.]
Smoke up.
My brother grew this in his laundry room.
Hey, give me your phone.
If we're gonna hang out later, I should put my number in it.
Dude, is that really your phone? [WILL.]
You should see our answering machine.
Has two little tapes in it.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uh William? [FOREBODING MUSIC.]
What did the Secret Chef hide in your dessert? I had rutabagas in my brownies.
I thought they were chocolate chips, but I was pleasantly deceived.
If Jill finds out you bought the house next to her, she'll move, and she'll never talk to you again, and she'll take Will and leave.
I don't know how to love from a distance.
Jeffy.
I forgot to do a crust.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[ZIPPING.]
[LIGHT HUMMING.]
[DISQUIETING MUSIC.]
[WHISTLING.]
[HUMMING.]
Ooh! Shh.
[JEFF.]
"From 'pusillanimous,' showing a lack of courage or determination.
" [PLUCKING STRINGS.]
[STRUMS CHORD.]
[RISING.]
What do you do, what do you do What do you do What do you do, what do you do What do you do Maddy, piano time! I'll take her.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[CHUCKIE.]
Want me to stop, Mr.
Farpopolis? - No.
Keep going, Chuckie.
- [CHUCKIE SINGING.]
Yeah, sorry.
I know I'm early.
I-I was hoping you and I could go somewhere - and talk for a second.
- No vocals, Chuckie.
Sorry, Mr.
Farpopolis.
He's always adding vocals.
I can take her, Deirdre.
- Oh, I - Come in.
- Just can we, uh - [CHUCKIE SINGING.]
Chuckie! Okay, never mind.
It's nothing.
Have fun eh, learn.
Aren't you coming, Mom? Inside? Daddy always waits upstairs.
Oh, he does? Oh.
- [DEIRDRE.]
For the whole lesson? - [MADDY.]
Yeah, they both do.
Daddy's always yelling, "Play louder, so Daddy can hear you.
" [DEIRDRE.]
Oh, huh.
[MADDY.]
Don't go chasing waterfalls No vocals, Maddy.
Did you hand-fuck my husband? So what's your second favorite instrument? What do you do, what do you do What do you do Maestro Pimento Fermata and the Pickle Nickel Choir.
When it's time to make a choice Make the choice, make the choice When you haven't got a clue - What do you do? - What do you do? You only need to listen to the voice that's true - The voice that's true? - That little voice That's deep inside of you, hear the voice Make the choice, make the choice It'll say anything it wants and it will never go away And the harder you ignore it then the more it has to say You'll hear it get louder, louder, louder Louder, louder, louder, louder every day The voice is here to stay [PICKLE.]
Mamma Mia [SIGHS.]
We're in the middle of a meal.
It's opulent.
It's red.
Red is such a look-at-me color.
It's the safest car on the market.
Hm.
You know, if Will stayed over at my house one more night a week, I wouldn't have to be dropping by all the time.
I'll think about it.
Tell me one thing about him.
His name is Peter.
Hm? He's an anesthesiologist.
Mm.
I guess that's As long as he doesn't start bringing his work home with him.
A lot of them do that.
Tell me another thing.
It looks good.
I don't think anyone will know but me.
I had a pie.
Come on.
[PIANO CONCERTO IN A MINOR BY EDVARD GRIEG.]
Who are you? - Jeff - Could you be more specific? A family lives in this house.
That wasn't a question.
Maybe let's stick to the basics.
- Mm.
- Is that pie on your shoe? Well, I don't want him to feel like he can't ask me things.
Have you been married before, Peter? [JILL.]
Jeff, let him eat.
[PETER.]
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
Had a wife, couldn't keep her.
Right? Isn't that how it goes? Put her in a pumpkin shell, and there he kept her very well.
The man in that poem is not a candidate for glory.
It's a rhyme about abuse.
Mm.
I didn't know the rest of it.
Had another, didn't love her.
That's the next line.
No, I don't think that How is that a bedtime story? King John had a friend he didn't like, and so he took that man's wife and he sealed her in a room with bricks until she starved to death.
In some versions, mice eat the woman, but that's neither here nor there.
My mother used to read that to me.
Now I question her motives.
Early childhood neglect can lead to dysfunctional adult relationships.
Are your parents still together, like Jill and I? Will, you're gonna spend an extra night a week - with your dad.
- Oh.
That's a good thing.
Hey.
How long have you been sucking on those coffin nails? Yeah, actually, I've been meaning to quit.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You ever had a vice or a guilty pleasure? Not like smoking, or adultery, or skulduggery, but I have been known to take a sip or two of chocolate syrup, straight out of the bottle.
[LAUGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh Your vice is drinking Hershey's chocolate syrup? No.
Never have a coupon for Hershey's.
Yeah, but I mean You can afford name-brand syrup.
I can afford a lot of things, but I only spend what I need, and the rest goes to people who need it more.
Yeah.
Totally.
No, every month, I give $15 to NPR.
They sent me an apron that says "NPR Apron.
" I like the name Peter.
It's a good name.
You know what? I'm gonna call you Big P.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Would that be okay? Are you kidding me? Oh Jeff Pickles just gave me a nickname.
Oh, God.
I feel like Elvis just gave me a sequin.
What can I call you? Jeff Pickles.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you had left.
Good night, Will.
Good night, Big P.
Can I ask you something? [PETER.]
Oh, yeah, man.
What's up? [WILL.]
What kind of mouthwash do girls like? [IMITATES METALLIC SCRAPING SOUND.]
[QUIET MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
What? Are are you I love you.
[ASTRON-OTTER CRYING.]
[JEFF.]
Oh, no! Astron-Otter? What's wrong? [AGITATED MUTTERING.]
You're frustrated? About what? [AGITATED MUTTERING.]
Oh, she's frustrated because her rocket ship keeps falling over.
I think her bam-boosters are misfiring.
You know what I do when I'm frustrated? I take a calm-me-down breath.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[INHALES.]
[AGGRAVATED SIGH.]
[AGITATED YELLING.]
I think maybe she needs another calm All right, stop.
Why do you keep doing that? - Stop.
- Stop what? You keep calling Astron-Otter a she.
Last time I checked, he was a he-otter.
He was a he.
Now she's a she.
He's been a he for 20 years.
You don't just wake up one day and call him a she.
[JEFF.]
It happens every day.
It's happening to children all over the world.
It's called gender fluidity.
What? No.
He's a he.
Astron-Otter's Lunar Lander Power Wheel.
- Hmm.
- Astron-Otter's Moon Rock Space Fortress.
Astron-Otter's My First Boxer Briefs with stain guard.
He's a seven-figure line item marketed to boys.
She has no discernible genitalia.
I should fucking hope not.
What an important thing to impart, that Astron-Otter could change overnight and still be the same otter.
It's not a terrible idea.
Nobody asked you, Sheryl.
Astron-Otter is a boy.
Astron-Otter is a lie.
Let's tread very carefully here, Jeff.
That's an expensive vagina you're adding.
That is a $4 million otter twat.
Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word.
These are not the decisions you make.
Astron-Otter is a male.
No, Dad.
She's not.
Maybe it's time for you to wake up and smell the otter twat.
Sorry, Sheryl.
Sorry.
[RATTLING SOUND.]
- [SCREECHING HONK.]
- Oh, Jesus! [GIGGLES.]
- Poppy, look what Mom got me.
- Not now, honey.
[MADDY.]
What happened to your face? I got ouchies, kid.
I got ouchies in places you don't want ouchies.
- Why do you look like that? - He made Astron-Otter into a fucking hermaphrodite.
What's next, "Bi Little Pony"? How long before he loses it and this whole place burns down to the chimney? [DRUM MUSIC.]
Derrell! Yeah.
Get me Tara Lipinski.
[JOANNE.]
Hello? I think I left my cookie platter here from the open house, so I'm just gonna grab it.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Okay.
I got it.
[FAINT HISSING.]
Will! We're finally getting new neighbors.
My room My room My room is such a lonely place [GUITAR MUSIC.]
My room So filled with empty space Without you You Without you, you My room is just a place to be My room is nothing more to me
Previously on Kidding I want do a show about death.
I don't think you're ready to talk about that.
What are you doing here? [WILL.]
She did not leave you because Phil died.
She left you because you're a pussy.
Do you think I should get an apartment closer to the house? [HUMMING.]
[SIGHS.]
P-Hound.
- [JEFF.]
What does the P stand for? - Yeah.
[BEES BUZZING.]
[SEB.]
Jeff needs to heal.
Mr.
Pickles is fine.
[JOANNE.]
So what do you think? [JEFF.]
It's perfect.
[DISQUIETING MUSIC.]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER.]
[TOOL WHIRRING, METAL SQUEAKING.]
[METAL CLANGS.]
[TOOL CRANKING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[STRUMS STRINGS.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Es Uke-Larry [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[METAL SQUEAKING, TOOLS WHIRRING.]
[TRANQUIL MUSIC.]
[CAR CHIRPS.]
[STRAINING.]
[LIGHT PIANO RAG.]
[SIGHS.]
Did you ever feel like there's nothing to do? Well, that's how Ennui Le Triste is feeling right now.
Let's take a trip to Pickle Barrel Falls and see if we can help.
See you at the bottom.
[JAUNTY PIANO RAG.]
[LIGHT HUMMING.]
Whoa.
Bonjour, Ennui! [SPEAKING FRENCH.]
Crusty, as usual.
Bored, bored, bored! - [ENNUI.]
Everything that I - They're gonna laugh at me.
[ENNUI.]
I've already done before.
Well, if they laugh at you they're gonna get a real kick out of me.
[JEFF.]
I'm sure we can think of something.
I mean, just think of all the toys you have at home.
[TANNER.]
How did you get out of the television? [SIGHS.]
Actually, the hard part isn't getting out.
It's getting back in.
[JEFF.]
You want to touch my head? Dare you.
Eww, creepy! [LAUGHS.]
[JEFF.]
Can I touch yours? Let me see yours.
Oh, dude, that's so cool! You got a fade going.
That's really neat.
That's my best friend in the whole world in the doorway.
Does she look excited to see me? [TANNER.]
No.
Hey.
I don't want you to be nervous, but tomorrow, there's gonna be a lot of Jell-O.
I hope you can handle it.
[LAUGHS.]
[MUTTERS.]
Mom, I think Mr.
Pickles has brain cancer too.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Who's the man in your life that isn't me? What happened to your hair? How long have you been seeing him? We've been together a couple months.
- It's casual.
- I think Will should stay at my house one more night a week.
I think one night a week is working.
I want healthy decisions for us, not casual ones.
It's very soon to let a man into our home, into Phil's home Will's home.
Sheesh.
Actually, it's good that you're here, to have a conversation about setting boundaries.
You mean distance? [SIGHS.]
I found out what the P in P-Hound stands for.
Now every time I see the letter P, I think of the word "pussy," and it haunts my head.
I used to call Phil "my little P-nugget," and now I hear "pussy-nugget," and I can't call him that in my daydreams anymore.
You can set boundaries too.
Like our shared checking account.
I'm gonna ask you if I can buy a new car, - and you can say no.
- Why do you need a new car? I'd like to not drive the same model minivan the insurance company coughed up, and I'm done pretending that there isn't money to spend on myself.
You should get whatever makes you and Will comfortable.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Maybe I'll come over later, meet your new guy.
I'll make one of those sour cream-blueberry pies that I make that you like.
- No! - Anyway Good luck with all your new decisions.
Did you really shave your head for that kid? No, silly.
Is there a way to tell if, you know, somebody's gay? - [CLAY.]
Course you can.
- How? You just ask them.
I mean, I would say hello first.
[CLAY.]
Yeah.
Turn them upside down.
[CLAY.]
If they curl up into a ball, they're gay.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hi, everybody.
[QUIET WALTZ MUSIC.]
Fuck.
[CLAY.]
What what's happening? I'm confused.
W-where were you that there were so many bees? Can you give us a second, Derrell? Oh, my God.
What happened to your face? What happened to yourself? I thought we could make this a season about things that are missing, like hair.
Oh.
We can impart the idea that change is a good thing.
It's okay.
Who we are is so much greater than what happens to us.
And for the last show, we take the death episode off the shelf, and we air it, and we say, "This happened! And I'm still me.
" You look like you are about to climb a Texas tower - and shoot people.
- Don't say that.
You look like Lee Harvey Oswald's creative younger brother.
You look like Shooty the Clown.
I am the Pope in a Speedo.
I am the Oreo cookie without its creamy center, but if you dip me in milk, I'm still a mouthful of yummy.
The affiliate stations air us out of order.
Don't you think it's gonna be just a little confusing for the children when one day, Jeff Pickles has hair, and the next day, he's paved a sidewalk down the center of his head? I don't care.
They can air it out of order.
PBS is gonna get the impression that you are mentally unfortified.
Please, don't put me in this position with the network.
They're gonna shelve us for six weeks while your hair grows back.
Think of all the people you'll put out of work.
[AMIKA.]
We call it a Tiger Stripe.
[JEFF.]
Ah.
Where does it come from? Russian women with very few opportunities.
How's that look, Mr.
P.
? Really wish you wouldn't call me that.
Just Jeff.
Jeff is fine.
Don't go anywhere, Jeff.
[SEB.]
We're strong men.
We keep the struggle inside.
You had an off day.
When Amika's done, no one will be able to see you're slipping.
[SEB.]
That's a secret I'll keep between us.
I bought the house next to Jill's.
And why would you do that? They need me, even if they don't know they need me.
Jill has a black hole inside her.
It's swallowing her sunshine.
She's trying to fill it with red wine and penises, and Will's smoking reefer like a jazz musician.
He has no one to open up to.
No healthy friends.
If he doesn't have me to share his inner life with, his imagination could die.
Did you tell them you did this? I'm sure it'll be odd at first, but when I show up, knock on the door, with my blueberry-sour cream pie, and I say, "Hey, friends.
I'm your new neighbor," we'll find our footing.
And you don't think they'll see all that as just a little bit aggressive? I saw Jill hugging another man, or he was hugging her.
[SEB.]
You mean fucking.
No.
Regular hugging.
[SEB.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is it serious? I don't know.
I don't think so.
How could it be? [GASPING.]
[DISQUIETING MUSIC.]
Mr.
Piccirillo, you forgot the extra credit.
I don't think freshmen are allowed off-campus lunch.
I told you, I got you.
Get in.
All right.
[LAUGHTER.]
Smoke up.
My brother grew this in his laundry room.
Hey, give me your phone.
If we're gonna hang out later, I should put my number in it.
Dude, is that really your phone? [WILL.]
You should see our answering machine.
Has two little tapes in it.
[LAUGHTER.]
Uh William? [FOREBODING MUSIC.]
What did the Secret Chef hide in your dessert? I had rutabagas in my brownies.
I thought they were chocolate chips, but I was pleasantly deceived.
If Jill finds out you bought the house next to her, she'll move, and she'll never talk to you again, and she'll take Will and leave.
I don't know how to love from a distance.
Jeffy.
I forgot to do a crust.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[ZIPPING.]
[LIGHT HUMMING.]
[DISQUIETING MUSIC.]
[WHISTLING.]
[HUMMING.]
Ooh! Shh.
[JEFF.]
"From 'pusillanimous,' showing a lack of courage or determination.
" [PLUCKING STRINGS.]
[STRUMS CHORD.]
[RISING.]
What do you do, what do you do What do you do What do you do, what do you do What do you do Maddy, piano time! I'll take her.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[CHUCKIE.]
Want me to stop, Mr.
Farpopolis? - No.
Keep going, Chuckie.
- [CHUCKIE SINGING.]
Yeah, sorry.
I know I'm early.
I-I was hoping you and I could go somewhere - and talk for a second.
- No vocals, Chuckie.
Sorry, Mr.
Farpopolis.
He's always adding vocals.
I can take her, Deirdre.
- Oh, I - Come in.
- Just can we, uh - [CHUCKIE SINGING.]
Chuckie! Okay, never mind.
It's nothing.
Have fun eh, learn.
Aren't you coming, Mom? Inside? Daddy always waits upstairs.
Oh, he does? Oh.
- [DEIRDRE.]
For the whole lesson? - [MADDY.]
Yeah, they both do.
Daddy's always yelling, "Play louder, so Daddy can hear you.
" [DEIRDRE.]
Oh, huh.
[MADDY.]
Don't go chasing waterfalls No vocals, Maddy.
Did you hand-fuck my husband? So what's your second favorite instrument? What do you do, what do you do What do you do Maestro Pimento Fermata and the Pickle Nickel Choir.
When it's time to make a choice Make the choice, make the choice When you haven't got a clue - What do you do? - What do you do? You only need to listen to the voice that's true - The voice that's true? - That little voice That's deep inside of you, hear the voice Make the choice, make the choice It'll say anything it wants and it will never go away And the harder you ignore it then the more it has to say You'll hear it get louder, louder, louder Louder, louder, louder, louder every day The voice is here to stay [PICKLE.]
Mamma Mia [SIGHS.]
We're in the middle of a meal.
It's opulent.
It's red.
Red is such a look-at-me color.
It's the safest car on the market.
Hm.
You know, if Will stayed over at my house one more night a week, I wouldn't have to be dropping by all the time.
I'll think about it.
Tell me one thing about him.
His name is Peter.
Hm? He's an anesthesiologist.
Mm.
I guess that's As long as he doesn't start bringing his work home with him.
A lot of them do that.
Tell me another thing.
It looks good.
I don't think anyone will know but me.
I had a pie.
Come on.
[PIANO CONCERTO IN A MINOR BY EDVARD GRIEG.]
Who are you? - Jeff - Could you be more specific? A family lives in this house.
That wasn't a question.
Maybe let's stick to the basics.
- Mm.
- Is that pie on your shoe? Well, I don't want him to feel like he can't ask me things.
Have you been married before, Peter? [JILL.]
Jeff, let him eat.
[PETER.]
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
Had a wife, couldn't keep her.
Right? Isn't that how it goes? Put her in a pumpkin shell, and there he kept her very well.
The man in that poem is not a candidate for glory.
It's a rhyme about abuse.
Mm.
I didn't know the rest of it.
Had another, didn't love her.
That's the next line.
No, I don't think that How is that a bedtime story? King John had a friend he didn't like, and so he took that man's wife and he sealed her in a room with bricks until she starved to death.
In some versions, mice eat the woman, but that's neither here nor there.
My mother used to read that to me.
Now I question her motives.
Early childhood neglect can lead to dysfunctional adult relationships.
Are your parents still together, like Jill and I? Will, you're gonna spend an extra night a week - with your dad.
- Oh.
That's a good thing.
Hey.
How long have you been sucking on those coffin nails? Yeah, actually, I've been meaning to quit.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You ever had a vice or a guilty pleasure? Not like smoking, or adultery, or skulduggery, but I have been known to take a sip or two of chocolate syrup, straight out of the bottle.
[LAUGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh Your vice is drinking Hershey's chocolate syrup? No.
Never have a coupon for Hershey's.
Yeah, but I mean You can afford name-brand syrup.
I can afford a lot of things, but I only spend what I need, and the rest goes to people who need it more.
Yeah.
Totally.
No, every month, I give $15 to NPR.
They sent me an apron that says "NPR Apron.
" I like the name Peter.
It's a good name.
You know what? I'm gonna call you Big P.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Would that be okay? Are you kidding me? Oh Jeff Pickles just gave me a nickname.
Oh, God.
I feel like Elvis just gave me a sequin.
What can I call you? Jeff Pickles.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you had left.
Good night, Will.
Good night, Big P.
Can I ask you something? [PETER.]
Oh, yeah, man.
What's up? [WILL.]
What kind of mouthwash do girls like? [IMITATES METALLIC SCRAPING SOUND.]
[QUIET MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
What? Are are you I love you.
[ASTRON-OTTER CRYING.]
[JEFF.]
Oh, no! Astron-Otter? What's wrong? [AGITATED MUTTERING.]
You're frustrated? About what? [AGITATED MUTTERING.]
Oh, she's frustrated because her rocket ship keeps falling over.
I think her bam-boosters are misfiring.
You know what I do when I'm frustrated? I take a calm-me-down breath.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[INHALES.]
[AGGRAVATED SIGH.]
[AGITATED YELLING.]
I think maybe she needs another calm All right, stop.
Why do you keep doing that? - Stop.
- Stop what? You keep calling Astron-Otter a she.
Last time I checked, he was a he-otter.
He was a he.
Now she's a she.
He's been a he for 20 years.
You don't just wake up one day and call him a she.
[JEFF.]
It happens every day.
It's happening to children all over the world.
It's called gender fluidity.
What? No.
He's a he.
Astron-Otter's Lunar Lander Power Wheel.
- Hmm.
- Astron-Otter's Moon Rock Space Fortress.
Astron-Otter's My First Boxer Briefs with stain guard.
He's a seven-figure line item marketed to boys.
She has no discernible genitalia.
I should fucking hope not.
What an important thing to impart, that Astron-Otter could change overnight and still be the same otter.
It's not a terrible idea.
Nobody asked you, Sheryl.
Astron-Otter is a boy.
Astron-Otter is a lie.
Let's tread very carefully here, Jeff.
That's an expensive vagina you're adding.
That is a $4 million otter twat.
Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word.
These are not the decisions you make.
Astron-Otter is a male.
No, Dad.
She's not.
Maybe it's time for you to wake up and smell the otter twat.
Sorry, Sheryl.
Sorry.
[RATTLING SOUND.]
- [SCREECHING HONK.]
- Oh, Jesus! [GIGGLES.]
- Poppy, look what Mom got me.
- Not now, honey.
[MADDY.]
What happened to your face? I got ouchies, kid.
I got ouchies in places you don't want ouchies.
- Why do you look like that? - He made Astron-Otter into a fucking hermaphrodite.
What's next, "Bi Little Pony"? How long before he loses it and this whole place burns down to the chimney? [DRUM MUSIC.]
Derrell! Yeah.
Get me Tara Lipinski.
[JOANNE.]
Hello? I think I left my cookie platter here from the open house, so I'm just gonna grab it.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Okay.
I got it.
[FAINT HISSING.]
Will! We're finally getting new neighbors.
My room My room My room is such a lonely place [GUITAR MUSIC.]
My room So filled with empty space Without you You Without you, you My room is just a place to be My room is nothing more to me