Kiff (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
CHORUS: Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff-Kiff-Kiff! ♪
Kiff-Kiff-Kiff-Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! ♪
Kiff! ♪
(giggling)
ANNOUNCER: Brought to you
by Pam's Protection.
Threat averted.
Good morning, class,
before we begin today,
we have a special announcement
from your classmate, Candle Fox.
(applause)
If you'll look under your seats,
you'll find an invitation
to my party tomorrow.
CANDLE: As you can see
by these expensive invitations
-(horns honk)
-the party will feature
the famed 400-foot
Waterslide of Eternal Joy.
-RECORDED VOICE: Wow!
-It's probably gonna be
the best party ever,
but that is not for me to say.
-Thank you.
-(applause)
This is what I'm talking about, Barry!
Do you know how lucky we are?
-How lucky you are.
-Huh?
I can’t go to this party. I can’t swim.
But, the 400-foot
Waterslide of Eternal Joy
Ends in water.
This will be me if I go.
BARRY: "Woo! Splash."
(funeral music plays)
Anyway, you can tell me
all about it afterwards!
-Boom.
-Uh, what are you doing?
-I’m putting my foot down!
-(gasps)
There is no way you’re gonna
miss this party, Barry!
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
But how?
Hmmm
Helen? A word?
Ew, students.
I know we’ve had our differences,
but this is important.
I need you to do a little spell
on my friend here
to make him a good swimmer?
No. Go away.
Oh, well, we tried.
I guess you'll have to go
to Candle's Pool Party without me.
-BOTH: Ow!
Candle Fox? Daughter of Roy Fox?
World-famous producer
of TV's Table Town Has Talent?
Yes?
Yes, I'll help your friend
if you get me an introduction
with Roy Fox.
Oh! Sure!
Wait, he does know you, right?
Oh , yeah, totally.
Roy is always saying I'm--
Okay, okay, fine. Let's go.
I didn't ask for your life story.
-(indistinct chatter)
-(party music plays)
(gasps) There it is.
KIFF: It's even more majestic
than the invitation led me to believe. Oh.
(orchestral choir music plays)
I am reborn.
This is gonna be transcendent.
Look at the line!
(screaming)
Okay, Helen, give Barry the spell.
Barry, you hold my place in line
while I hold up my end of the deal,
introducing Helen
to my dear old friend, Roy Fox.
He's over there.
(indistinct chatter)
Roy Fox
Okay, let's do this.
HELEN: Bark of tree, crumbs of knish,
make this rabbit, swim like a fish.
I can swim? Whoa.
So we're really doing this?
Let's go!
KID: Whoa!
I'm so happy!
-Soon, Slidey
-(orchestral music plays)
-(indistinct chatter)
-(jazz music plays)
(sighs)
Hey, is everything okay?
Yeah, I'm just sad, I guess.
I haven't thrown a single kid
out of this place
and am I ever itchin' to!
(ominous music plays)
That's great, that's great. (chuckles)
Ah, see?! I told you
there'd be a VIP area.
Right this way, babe.
Hey, fellas, good to see ya!
Didn't see ya there.
We'll do pictures with my client later
if you want,
but right now, where's Roy?
That old so and so
Oh, I see him! Love ya, babes!
just had it renovated, so let me know
how that acoustics are.
(laughs) I love it. Pew-pew!
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Roy, it's me! We met at that limo
race?
(suspenseful music plays)
(laughs)
How are you?!
Phew!
Look at me. G-gonna slide,
gonna swim. Okay, here we go.
You wanna go ahead of me?
I'm, uh, I'm waiting for Kiff.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead!
Thank you. Wow.
are you? And I held up
my hand and said,
"Hey. You see this hand?
This is the hand that writes
the checks, capisce?!
(laughs)
Oh, I am stealing that!
-(grunts)
-Oh, no, I'm gonna miss my turn!
And-- Roy, I'm gonna network
a little right now,
and I wouldn't be doing that
if I didn't suspect you're gonna like
what I have to tell ya.
I'm listening
I happen to be here today
with a monster talent
who, at this point in time,
remains undiscovered.
A diamond in the rough.
I give you Helen!
Hello!
Okay Hm. Show me what you got.
Oh, um
(dance music playing)
(vocalizes)
(grunts) Ta-da!
I love it!
You do?!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Get ready, baby!
I'm gonna make you a star!
In fact, (gasps)
we're gonna film right now!
(cheering)
Set up the camera! Get the boom mic in!
I need some apple boxes here!
Where's my latte?
Kiff, I'm so happy
I could almost thank you!
I'll never teach again!
Wait, I'm not ready!
I've got to go powder my nose! (squeals)
Welp, my work here is done,
Helen's gonna be a star!
Oh, she certainly is
a star on my new show--
(banjo music plays)
NARRATOR: Embarrassing!
Cringe!
OMG!
Table Town's Cringiest Wannabes!
Duh!
(all laugh)
Wait, what? Oh, that’s so mean!
And it's all thanks to you!
(gasps)
(gasps) Helen, wait! Don't do it!
-What?
-He's gonna make a fool of you!
He thinks you're cringe!
-Oh, I get it.
-Phew!
You're jealous!
What?! No! Helen, please--
If you have something to say,
talk to my agent.
I am your agent!
Not anymore. You're fired.
(all straining)
(all laugh)
Hey, where'd she go?
Okay, whenever you're ready
Say! What kind of camera is that?
Oh, is that the new HD-365 7?
Let me get a closer look. Oh, no!
I'm accidentally tripping on obstacles.
-(gasps)
-Hey! That was on purpose!
Oh, boy! You're out of here!
(pants, grunts)
I am revoking the swim spell!
No! No, wait! Please!
Your turn, kid!
Oh, that's not good (screams)
Next!
(screaming)
(screaming)
(slow-motion scream)
Hang on, Barry!
(grunts)
Gotcha!
That's why my birthday is
a little more special-- Ahh!
(screaming)
(chuckles)
I'm just gonna hit the slide real quick
(both yell)
No, no. No! Please,
please just give me one slide!
One little slide! That's all I ask of you!
You are banned from this slide!
(gasps) A lifetime ban?
No, jeez, that's a bit harsh.
You're banned for one year!
Oh.
-(banjo music plays)
-NARRATOR: It's Table Town's
Cringiest Wannabees!
(crowd murmuring)
Oh.
(sighs) I can't believe
I didn't get to experience
400 feet of Eternal Joy.
Didn't you?
Hang on, Barry! Gotcha!
MAN: Eternal Joy. Joy joy joy
We did.
NARRATOR: Cringe!
Yeesh! And we did
the right thing for Helen.
There's a sadness in those eyes.
(gate squeaks open)
Speaking of which
Um, I saw the trailer
for Roy's new show and
(sighs) I just wanted to say-- say
(stammers) tha
"Thanks"?
You're welcome! (grunts)
It's me, Helen.
Hello, Mom? Guess what?
I'm on TV! In your face!
And just think, Barry,
now we have a whole year for you
to learn how to swim, the right way!
Yeah!
HELEN: Listen, I was thinking
we could walk through
the theater district on the way home
to see if anyone recognizes me
from that clip.
They probably want my autograph.
ANNOUNCER: Brought to you
by Dan Hill’s Grass.
BERYL and MARTIN: Road trip, road trip,
road trip, road trip,
road trip, road trip, road trip
Fair warning,
these trips can get pretty boring.
But since I'm allowed
to bring a friend this time,
there is no way this won't be
the best road trip ever!
(gulps) That's a lot of pressure.
It's a low bar I just want
a taste of fun, Barry,
while sitting in a car for hours.
Is that too much to ask?
All right, you're free
to enter the vehicle,
and no slamming of the doors.
Please close them gingerly.
I'm getting my deposit back!
(engine starting)
(Marting clears throat)
Before we depart,
a quick rundown for you, Barry,
and for our road trip regulars--
-Aw, here we go.
-(clears throat)
No dangling from roof racks,
no "sitting" on your knees,
no spitting out one window to see
if you can "catch it" from the other,
no making faces at other cars,
no making signs that say,
"send help."
What do we say, Kiff?
Road trip rules make the road trip
(sighs) rule.
(laughs)
And now for a proper sendoff!
-Oh, no.
-Barry, you're in for a treat!
(all singing)
(groans) Are we almost there?
Absolutely not!
Huh?
BERYL: We haven't even left the lot.
I was just watching
this old road trip footage
to get in the mood!
(shudders)
Next stop, the open road.
This is a song
It’s a sing-along song ♪
It’s a song you can sing-along to
If you want to ♪
But if you don’t sing-along ♪
When you hear the gong ♪
Things will go wrong ♪
Terribly wrong! ♪
Come on, Kiff!
(groans) No! I'm in protest.
This song is sabotaging
our fun potential--
But if you don't sing along,
things will go terribly wrong.
It's right there in the lyrics!
No.
-(whispering) Hey, Barry.
-(whispering) Yeah?
(whispering) Road snack.
(whispering) Why are we whispering?
(shushes)
No snacks in the car!
And no sitting on your knees!
(Kiff) Look at how much fun
they're having, Barry.
(party music plays)
Nuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Windows, gotta stay up.
(motorcycle revving)
We should make a funny face at her.
But faces are against the rules.
Well, the rules aren't the rules
so much as just
general guidelines.
Come on!
(grunts)
(chuckles)
(laughs) You see, she loves it.
(grunts)
(gasps, growls)
(gasps)
I really think you should've sung along
with the Sing-along Song.
(suspenseful music plays)
-Where did she go?
-I--I don't know.
-Ooh, Marty, let's make a quick pitstop.
-Yes, please!
(Western music plays)
MARTIN: All right,
let's hit the gift shop!
Haha, beach towels. What a score!
-(motorcycle revs)
-BOTH: Ahh!
(tires squeaking)
(both laugh)
No way he's a real biker. (chuckles)
Aww.
(laughs)
Oh, no, she's back!
(gasps) That must be her crew!
Furious Bike Monsters.
The kid's one of em.
(funeral music plays)
Whoops, wrong playlist.
(upbeat music plays)
He's ID'd us! And he is a real biker.
(groans) All this for a funny face
on the road.
Your dad was right about his weird rules.
As long as we stay on the main road,
keep moving, and never look back,
we just might make it
outta this road trip alive--
BERYL: Stop the car!
-(tires squeal)
-What?!
I think I saw a blue-footed booby!
Wow! Rare bird sighting.
BERYL: (whispering)
Be very quiet and very still.
(loud revving)
(silence)
(loud revving)
(birds tweeting)
(loud revving)
Can I see? (nervous chuckle)
(motorcycles revving)
(Kiff gasps)
(whispering) We have to hide the car.
The novelty towels.
What in the world?!
Kiff, you've been reading my bird blog!
Camouflage!
Uh-huh, right on, Mom.
(revving)
(suspenseful music plays)
(gasping)
BOTH: The power of camouflage!
What're you scratchin' at over there?
(both giggle)
-(Martin passes wind)
-(sniffs)
-(chuckles) Oh, Martin!
-Ooh, wee! (chuckles)
Permission to crack a window?
Permission granted.
(window rolls)
(suspenseful music plays)
Ooh! Ice cream stop.
KIFF and BARRY: No!
I'll grab the cones.
Ooh, a claw machine! Don't mind if I do.
(game beeping)
-Any day now!
-(gasps)
(claw machine whirring)
(growls)
Come to mama!
(growls)
I think a biker just gave me
the stink eye.
-"A biker"? (nervous chuckle)
-Yeah.
Tough guy, leather jacket,
bold tattoos, silent type?
-Mm-hmm.
-Beryl, um?
Were there, by any chance,
initials on the jacket?
Yeah, FBM. What's going on?
Nothing. I mean, well,
okay, there's something--
(stammers) We didn't wanna say anything.
Yeah, but for totally unknown reasons,
those guys have been on us since
we started this road trip.
(nervous chuckle)
And they are mad.
(both groan)
Ice cream time!
-Three scoops each!
-Okay, thanks, Dad!
-Thanks, Mr. Chatterly!
-Thanks so much, babe.
Hey! No melty in the renty.
That's a deposit disaster
waiting to happen!
(suspenseful music plays)
(chomping continues)
Well, I like to savor the flavor
Time to go!
Good call, hon, we're behind schedule.
Gingerly!
(all howl)
BOTH: Huh?
I'm going the speed limit.
If you don't like it, go around!
-Go around!
-Marty, no!
I had a run-in with that guy
back at the claw machine.
-What?
-And we made faces
and then I drew a mean picture
of us punching them,
-and Kiff added stink lines!
-What?
And I never sang along
to the "Sing-along Song!"
What?! Always sing along
with the "Sing-along Song."
Otherwise "things will go wrong."
It's right there in the lyrics.
Not on my road trip.
(tires screech)
But, Dad, the deposit--
ANNOUNCER: Real 100% grass-fed grass.
Come on down to Dan Hill's Farms.
The grass sure is greener
on our side.
(all scream)
(screaming continues)
(slow-motion screaming)
ALL: This is a song
It’s a sing-along song ♪
It’s a song you can sing-along to
If you want ♪
But if you don’t sing-along ♪
When you hear the gong ♪
Terribly wrong! ♪
(fast singing continues)
The unsung sing-along ♪
(tires squeal)
(dramatic music)
(windshield squeaking)
(drill whirs)
-(all gasp)
-Geez, that's quality work!
(trumpet plays)
Well, we've been trying to catch up to you
ever since
I noticed your dangling muffler.
But your jackets. FBM.
Aren't you the "Furious Bike Monsters"?
(all laugh)
We're the Fender Bender Menders.
(imitate tool sounds and clicks)
Thanks for the drawing, by the way.
The resemblance is uncanny.
I think this belongs to you
-Mmm.
-Whew!
For driving like a rock star.
(sing-song) We're here!
We've arrived!
Back at the car rental?
Yep! That was just about
the best "test drive" I've ever done!
It's very important to test out
the rental car before a road trip.
See if you can go that extra mile.
(laughs) The real thing is gonna
be so fun, Barry! You in?
(closing theme plays)