Kitchen Confidential (2005) s01e02 Episode Script

Here's the thing about cleaning up your act.
In my demon days, I would stay up all night push myself to the limit and pass out on the floor.
But I've changed.
See ya.
Now I'm a sober, responsible professional who stays up all night pushes himself to the limit and, well- I didn't mean to wake you.
- You didn't wake me.
I was visualizing the menu.
- Oh.
- What do you want? - Uh, Pino's looking for you.
Oh, okay.
Have you been living here? Of course.
I'm the head chef.
- Aren't you familiar with the chef's code? - Oh, the chef's code.
- Yeah.
- No.
Oh.
I wouldn't advertise that if I were you, rookie.
Hey! Okay! - Okay! - What's wrong with that picture? - I didn't get you anything? - There are eight steaks in the walk-in.
- There should be 12.
- Pino, I- Jack, I love this restaurant.
- Yeah.
- I love all my restaurants like I love my children.
- Crap.
! - And like all my children - they each present their own unique problem.
- Right.
And the problem with Nolita is this: I have a massively talented chef with a doubtful emotional stability who seems to be heading a band of thieves.
Hey! In all fairness, no convictions.
- Well, no felony convictions.
- I take stealing very personally,Jack.
I take everything very personally.
Pino, I know.
Look, you gave me a second chance.
- I'm not gonna blow it.
I give you my word.
- Mmm.
- No one in this crew steals.
- It's not stealing! - It's entrepreneurship! - Hey, that didn't work at the arraignment.
- And it's not gonna work here.
- Whoa, whoa.
Jack,Jack.
- You wanted maitake mushrooms, yeah? - Yeah.
See, I lay the steaks off on Spoony, who turns them into truffles and gives them to Manuel at Palio, who tips me to the precise time that the mushroom pickers roll in from Alaska.
Which is why of all the chefs in New York City tonight onlyJack Bourdain is serving maitake mushrooms, huh? Steven, those aren't maitake mushrooms.
Huh? Whoo! Almost had a very boring weekend.
Listen.
I know this is how we used to do business, but Pino's not gonna stand for it.
- Ah.
So what I'm hearing is don't get caught.
- No.
Don't do it at all.
- Got it.
- Good.
- Leave no trace.
- Dude, nothing! - Dude, done! - Good.
Good.
But if I were you, I'd be more concerned with the spy who put Pino onto the steaks in the first place.
Oh, hi.
- I was just prepping the- - You don't prep.
You're a waitress.
Oh, you just have all the answers, don't you? Yep.
Look at her.
- Daddy's little girl.
- Putting poison in his ear.
Well, you know how to get someone off your back, don't you? Put 'em on somebody else's.
Okay.
So my first decision as floor captain is no more pooling tips.
- But we've always pooled tips.
- Yeah, which has always bugged me.
It's a disincentive.
Now the more you sell, the more you make.
Competition breeds success.
You'll thank me later.
Remember when I said that we have to, you know, work together and all that? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, now I'm gonna kill ya, and I'm gonna eat ya.
Hey, Seth.
Seth! - You gonna send this out like this? - Yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
There's more fingerprints on it than your prom date! Guys, we gotta do better than that! - He is out of control.
- Yeah.
Tell me about it.
He's been busting my stones ever since his girlfriend dumped him.
- You know he's been living here? - That'll be me someday.
Fingers crossed.
Yeah, we should, uh, take him to the Snake Pit.
We can't get him drunk.
Should at least get him some pelt.
Indeed.
The mushrooms weren't bad, okay? We didn't move them because Cameron can't pronounce maitake.
He kept saying " matsataco.
" I mean, what is that? Would you eat that? Oh, excellent question.
Yeah, yeah.
Also excellent, the ass on the woman directly behind you.
- Oh, that is hot.
Why don't you go for that? - Mmm.
- I- - No.
Whoa, whoa.
This is you, mate.
- This is all you.
Hey, hey.
- What? Go find your smile.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey! - Audrey.
- Jack.
Wow.
You look great.
- Oh.
- I haven't seen you since, um- My mother's birthday.
We had some good times too though.
Yeah.
We had some great times when you were conscious.
Oh, I'm conscious a lot now.
I'm, uh - I'm sober these days.
Thanks.
No, no, no.
These aren't for me.
They're for my crew.
- I'm actually new head chef at Nolita.
- Please shag our friend.
Listen, why don't you come by? I'll buy you dinner.
It's the least I can do.
Ooh, uh- Yeah, thanks,Jack.
But I think we both know that's a bad idea.
- We-We do? - People don't change.
- Don't- D-D-D-D-Don't go away.
- No, he needs this.
We need this.
- What are you guys talking about? - Football.
- Cheers, mate.
All right.
- Cheers.
So who's the thief? It's the Englishman, isn't it? I don't know.
I'm busy.
Jack promoted me to floor captain.
Whoa.
You sleeping with him? Dad, ew.
I'm your daughter.
If I'm gonna give it up, I'm going a lot higher than floor captain.
Find some other idiot to watch your chefs.
All right.
You're giving me a promotion? Yes.
Can I put a picture of my dog in the ladies' room? No.
David, I need those steaks yesterday.
Get them out ofhere.
- I'm gonna go for a smoke.
- No.
You do not want to go out there.
There is nothing to see out there.
But if you do go out there understand that I am part of the solution, not part of the problem.
And I am not the lookout.
Steven, look out! Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I stole too many maitake mushrooms.
- Stole? You said you swapped.
- Jack.
Jack, come on.
Let's live in the now, huh? The point is that Vlad and Lev here have kindly agreed to exchange the maitake mushrooms for these lobsters, which they have assured me come directly from some ocean.
Yes.
We are fishermen.
From Nantucket.
What'd I say? No more means no more! You were serious about that? Yes! Okay, this is " New Jack.
" You are living in " New Jack City.
" And from now on, there's no stealing, dealing, balling or brawling, okay? Fine.
Yeah.
Don't have to tell me twice.
- I did tell you twice.
- Right.
So who owes who an apology, hmm? Hey.
If you're interested we have dolphin.
Not here, but close by.
- Excuse me, Chef? - Not sleeping! What? Just doing inventory.
My eyes are wide open.
Look, I'm sharp as a tack.
- All right.
Uh, orders are up.
- Great.
You need an espresso.
I need six espressos.
All right.
Okay.
First order's up.
Got two fillets, one swordfish, three veals.
- Are my veals up yet? - Yes, Cameron.
Your veals are up.
They were just magically delivered by the veal fairy.
I thought you were the " veal fairy.
" Oh.
I get it.
"Veal fairy" 'cause I'm gay, and you're losing.
Tanya, what are you doing back here? Just watching you.
- What's in your tube? - What? Nothing.
I mean, frosting.
I- I was going to use my tube to frost my tarts.
Can I watch? Listen, about your six espressos.
Uh, I couldn't make 'em because the machine is- - Yeah.
Whatever it is, handle it.
- Oh, mate.
- I've got some good news for all of us.
- What? - You've got a fan at the bar.
- Yeah? No, I've got some boning to do.
Yeah.
My thoughts exactly.
Off you go.
Good boy.
Trust me.
I thought we decided this was a bad idea.
Now what makes you think I'm here for you? - Can't a girl get a bite to eat? - And clearly, this is the only restaurant in town.
He's smug.
We don't like smug.
Hi.
Jack Bourdain, head chef.
And you are? - Wendy the safety friend.
- Wendy! Wendy the safety friend? W - What is that, like Smokey the Bear? Exactly.
I'm here to make sure she doesn't get burned.
I love that.
She drinks for free! - Enjoy.
- Charming.
No fair.
I do not have a pair of those.
If she gets to do that, I get to wear my pants two sizes too small.
You already are.
- Would you get the phone? - Aye, aye, Floor Captain! - Nolita.
- Hey, we're from Sterling and Newman.
- Can you take a party of six in, like, five minutes? - Five minutes? Um, try five months.
Bye-bye.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen.
If you were on an expense account and you wanted to blow a huge wad on dinner, where would you go? Table nine.
My name is Cameron, and I'll be your waiter.
That's what I thought, baby, okay? Keep it clean.
All right, table seven's up.
All right.
Seth, I need that strawberry tureen.
Seth? Se-Where the hell's Seth? See? You squeeze gently, slowly from the top to the tip.
From the top to the tip.
- Seth.
! - Jack! Right.
Tureen.
Here.
You're supposed to work the hot line, not the ladies.
Listen.
I need to work my lady.
You got the hot line? Absolutely.
Go with God.
- I can trust you in here for two minutes? - What is this? I've been chastened, all right? There's the halo.
Ting! Now go and put a little new Jack into old Audrey.
So you're off the booze.
You're off the drugs.
And I have a potted plant I have yet to pee in.
Now that is impressive.
I know.
I've become impressive.
He vomited on your mother.
- I can't believe you're still single.
- I know.
It's surprising.
Tanya.
Do you notice anything different about the cappuccino machine? It's not as much there as it used to be? Precisely.
Do you know who stole it? No.
Can you give me a hint? Tanya, think.
I asked you to keep an eye on these people for that very reason.
So you're not gonna give me a hint.
Listen.
I'm really glad that you came because I know that there was a lot of things that I've done, uh that I really don't remember, but I'm sure they were really horrible.
- And I just want to ask you for your forgiveness.
- I forgive you.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
So now that we're done with the past, should we, uh- - should we talk about the future? - There he is.
My numero uno.
This man is like family.
And you know what happens when you disappoint your family.
Find my cappuccino machine.
You.
Where is it? - Where's what? - Don't do this.
- Do you know what this guy can do to us? - What guy? Pino! Steven the man cupped my face like I was Fredo.
- Just- Please,just turn it over.
- Turn what over? I haven't done anything.
I'm sick and tired of your accusations! - We're way past accusations.
We're into consequences now! - Oh, I'm sorry.
- When did you turn into the guy that we used to hate? - Guys, guys.
Maybe we shouldn't do this here.
I want to do this here.
I did what I needed to do to get my life in order.
Until you're able to back me up, you're on a leash.
Which means you have no power.
You've got no authority.
You got no pull.
You're the guy who grills steaks and keeps his mouth shut.
You know, um sometimes yelling is just a really loud way of saying " I love you.
" Recipe for tension: Take two best friends stir in massive distrust, let stand in a hot kitchen and garnish with large, sharp knives.
- Seth, you want to tell Steven to stop crowding me? - Seth, can you tellJack - to kiss my a- - Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
We're getting a real stabby kind of energy going on in here, huh? Jack, why don't you get some fresh air? Ah, boys, boys, boys.
- Ah, thank you very much.
- You must be the gentlemen from- Sterling and Newman! Boys, boys, boys, boys.
Inside voices.
Inside voices.
Um, may I bring you the wine list? Uh, do you have any Chateau Margaux? Oh, yes.
Yes, we do.
Tres.
Hmm.
Si, señor.
A thousand dollar bottle of wine and they're starting with three! You're really gonna have to dangle those milkers now.
Sorry.
- Ooh.
- It was a, uh, problem back in the, uh- - Where's Smokey? - I put her in a cab.
- Good idea.
- Mmm.
I was afraid she might stop me from doing something stupid.
That wasn't stupid.
So, um, can we get out of here? Like now? See? I have changed.
In the old days, I would've done something like this- Or this- Or ideally this- - I- - But now- can't yet.
Um- Restraint? From Jack Bourdain? - I know.
- Wow.
I find that extremely attractive.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Gi - Give me 10 minutes tops, okay? Yeah, okay.
I highly recommend the sea bass.
It's excellent.
- Hey.
Hi, excuse us.
- Excuse me.
- What are you doing at my table? - Well, " veal fairy" according to the floor captain, for parties of six or more two waiters are automatically assigned.
- Guys, it's midnight.
Kitchen's closed.
- What? - No.
- Donna.
This is the richest table we've ever had.
Please? Son of a bitch.
All right.
Last order's up, guys! - Let's just get it done! - No.
! Put those away.
Thank you very much.
All right.
How dare they? Are you kidding me? I didn't know they were gonna pull out.
Here we go.
Raise 'em up.
Come on.
Get 'em up.
Let's have fun tonight, all right? - All right, crew down.
I'm outta here.
- Oh, pardon me, Chef.
- Yeah, don't worry about it.
- I'm afraid in the course of the dinner service I dropped three shallots and a veal chop on the floor.
I put them in this envelope.
Just wondering if you could sign for them to preserve the chain of custody? - Let's talk about this in the walk-in.
- Oh, right! The cavity search.
Yeah,Jim.
Bring a flashlight and a quart of extra virgin olive oil, will ya? You knew who I was when you hired me! - And I said all that had to change.
- Look, you've got to trust that no matter what immoral, illegal or despicable thing I do, I do it for you! This is your caught-in-bed-with-another-woman speech, isn't it? Eh-A variation.
But the truth is, at the end of the day, you always get what you need.
I cover your ass, mate.
And if I wasn't me, you couldn't be you.
Yeah? Well, you know what? I'm gonna cover my own ass from now on.
- We've got a chew and screw! - What? How could you let $18,000 just walk out the door? This is a fireable offense! What were you two thinking? - That is your job to get the credit card! - Daddy's gonna kill me.
Daddy is gonna kill all of us! Uh, guys, they're getting into their limo.
Am I off the leash then? Get it done.
Turns out, in this business sometimes a criminal is exactly what you need.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Dude, we just saved the partners, like, 20 grand.
Did you gentlemen forget something? - Get outta here, you limey fruit! - Yeah, go play with the queen! Oh, dear.
You had to involve the queen.
- Oh! Ho! - Shut- Shut the door! Go! I still don't understand why you had to hit me.
Yeah, sorry.
I get enthusiastic.
- I'll say.
Didn't have the- - Jack? - You want to tell me about this? - Yeah.
We had a walkout, but Mimi spotted it in time and Steven managed to, uh, bring back the bill.
everything's under control.
- Fire him.
- No.
- No.
He goes, I go.
- He's a liar and a thief.
Everybody's something.
Of course.
- What? - The woman at the bar, she left you this.
Well, if you don't, I will.
I got it.
Thanks, Tanya.
What a night, huh? Lots of excitement.
Where'd you get that cappuccino? Hmm? Oh, I just made it.
Uh, the machine was all gunked up so I had the dishwashers take it downstairs, flush it out.
So- Why are you looking at me like that? Audrey? You have time management issues.
I know.
No, there were all these problems with the kitchen.
There's, uh, the cappuccino machine.
And, uh, there was a chew and screw.
- And- - Jack,Jack,Jack.
You don't have to convince me any more.
You've changed.
I buy it.
No.
Come on.
Hey! Hey! I wasn't sleeping! No, I was just taking my time for your pleasure! I'm awake now.
Here's the thing about change.
Sometimes you think you've changed, but you haven't.
You just traded one addiction for another.
And sometimes, that's the best you can hope for.
Have a good one.
Here's the thing about a great restaurant.
It's like great theater.
It's ourjob to dazzle you, amaze you, delight you- Tonight our specials are a seared New York sirloin served with a white asparagus pyramid.
while keeping you totally ignorant of the Hiroshima going on backstage.
- That isn't a pyramid.
That's a tepee.
- That is totally a pyramid.
Don't tell me about pyramids! My people built the pyramids! My people invented spaghetti! Do your people know about that?