Kite Man: Hell Yeah! (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

Okay, Sixpack, I know you
technically never leave
but thanks for coming in.
Now, why should we
hire you at Noonan's?
- [laptop chimes]
- Babe, good news!
We got two more RSVPs!
Well, they're from Dubelz,
so I guess it's just one.
What about my dad? Is he in?
Uh, you know, I haven't
seen anything from him yet.
Ah, it's okay.
That's so my dad.
No, not a big RSVP-er.
Never RSVP'd "yes"
for my tee-ball games,
my graduation, my
wedding, my birth
But he still shows. Sometimes.
Who do I have to let ear fuck me
to get a drink around here?
Babe, I know you're
interviewing,
but you're also supposed to be
taking care of the customers.
Babe, once I hire someone,
they can take care
of the customers.
That way, tonight, we
won't have to work the bar,
we can work the room.
Uh, so, Sixpack, where were we?
Oh, I'm gonna need a
99% employee discount,
stock options,
and a separate seating section
- for the uncircumcised.
- Um
You know, this is just for
a server position, right?
Oh.
I'm gonna pass.
[thuds]
Can I get the job?
I've already been
cleaning the gum
off of the tables to get ahead.
No dice, Bane.
We gotta have super
hip, dope-ass servers,
so this re-opening
is off the chain
and I can impress my dad.
Hey, we don't have
to impress anybody.
Mission accomplished.
And we're 10
million in the hole.
How do we even afford employees?
I don't need a salary.
I'll work for tips.
- Bane, what did I tell you?
- You're hired!
- [all groan]
- Whoopee!
I'm gonna quit the
Legion of Doom!
Hey, babe, uh, not sure Bane
is the coolest choice here.
Well, Bane is free
and that's cool.
Thing is, with Bane,
you have what's called
a reverse Hooters situation.
Yeah, I actually wish he
was wearing more clothes.
- Bad idea, Glider.
- What?
To make this party slap,
we need a splashy hire.
Someone you're, like,
"What are they doing here?
If they're here, I
wish I was here."
Like those albino twins
from the Matrix 2.
Someone who walks into a room
and everyone goes, "Whoa!"
[door thuds]
[upbeat, dramatic music playing]
- [all] Whoa.
- Hello.
Ugh, sorry I had to
duck into this abandoned
shithole halfway
house or whatever,
because there's a bunch
of trash cans and, like,
some guy on fire
and the smoke's
getting in my pores.
Ugh! Job searching sucks.
I can't believe my
God-daddy cut me off.
Can I have your job?
How much does it
pay being Beyonce?
Are you serious? Beyonce?
I know. She's the albino
Matrix twins of music.
Uh. I think we found
our new server.
What? That's not what I
Hello there,
sounded like you're
searching for employment.
Mm, I have a boyfriend.
Oh. No doubt. I'm Kite Man.
This is the love of my
life, Golden Glider.
We co-own this establishment.
And you are?
Clearly on the phone.
[groans]
I gotta go. Tell Solange,
Malice and her cat,
Chessure, called.
All right, we'll have
two tequila sodas,
light ice, no fruit,
splash of cran.
She's a monster.
Yeah, you're hired. [Chuckles]
Oh, hell, yeah ♪
A job here might work
'cause I love day drinking.
Also, I need proof
for my God-daddy,
that I'm "trying."
Fine, I'll do it.
- [all cheer]
- Slow your roll, headband.
We didn't hire you.
I think your co-boyfriend-partner-
guy -whatever did.
[chuckling] Okay, well,
we're gonna put a pin
in what my co-boyfriend-partner-
guy-whatever did.
I don't think this place
is really your vibe.
Plus, you work for tips
and nobody tips here.
Here's a Benjamin from
us for making our days
with that pretty face.
I think I'm gonna do all right.
Now, can somebody refill
- our drinks?
- I'll get it.
Babe, she's gonna crush
this grand reopening
and Dad's gonna be so impressed
that we got such a cool server.
[muffled] He'll have
to say he loves me.
Right, babe?
Babe?
Ugh, everyone
thinks I'm amazing.
You must be so threatened by me.
Yoo-hoo! I'm back here.
I can see you're confused.
Yes. You're imagining this.
But it's based on a true story.
I've got everything.
Great body, designer handbags,
and the attention of
every guy everywhere,
- even these drunks.
- [all cheering]
I'm everything you hate.
But the truth is,
that's only because
you can't compete with me.
Can't compete? We'll
see about that,
you snobby shithead
Babe? Babe, take it easy.
- We barely even know Malice.
- I know the type.
And you just hired her right
after you knew I'd hired Bane
- and he's going to
- I'm back!
I marched up to Lex and I said,
"I respectfully resign."
Taking the high road.
Classy move, Bane.
And then I told him
to put on a swim cap
so he could go fuck himself.
Bane, uh, so sorry,
uh, but we're
hiring someone else.
What? Is this for real?
Because I think I may have
burned a bridge with Lex.
Afraid so, buddy. Meet
our new server, Malice.
Okay. I literally
just 'sploded my life
and you're firing me for a
girl with a cat in a bag?
[sniffles] Maybe you
should put on a swim cap
so you can [choking]
[sneezes, groans]
I am deathly allergic
to cat dander.
See? We can't have
a cat in a bar.
We're not a lesbian bookstore.
But I'm her emotional
support animal.
- [chokes, thuds]
- Also, she's cold.
Well, you're in luck. We
just got some new merch
that can warm her right up.
Yep. Here we go.
Found the onesies.
[Bane] My throat is closing up!
Well, good job, Chuck.
While Bane dies,
let's make sure the
cat is comfortable.
[Bane] Will someone get
Anyone? Anyone?
Huh? [Chuckles]
I bet you'd get it if
it was up Malice's ass!
And will one of you lazy fucks
take care of the fricking cat?
My pleasure, darling.
[gasps] Goddammit!
That was my last allergy stick.
I gotta get back to Lex
and beg for the return of my job
and my health insurance.
That guy's got a rat.
Oh, no. Well, you know,
funny enough, Malice,
this is not a rat.
It's a hypoallergenic hamster.
I got it to teach
my kindergartners
about responsibility.
That shouldn't be here, either.
That is adorbs.
[purrs, meows]
[screams] Oh, my God. No.
This is why I need
a goddang body!
No, Jon Hamm-ster. No!
Oh, God, no!
The kids are gonna
be heartbroken.
Well, I'm head broken.
[phone dings]
Is that an RSVP? Is it my dad?
Okay, Chuck, can
we not right now
- with the dad thing?
- Ew, that's your guest list?
That's it, Malice, outside!
Anybody want to
help the loose head
that's rolling
around on the floor?
There. Both problems solved.
God, she's a dynamite lady.
Malice, we have our
grand reopening tonight,
and it's very important to
Kite Man that it goes well.
Well, then Kite Man should've
invited cooler people.
But of course, nobody
cool would ever come here.
Why do you even wanna work here?
Because having to
work is so cringe
and I don't want anyone cool
seeing me having to work. Doy.
Okay. Cool people
do come here.
Actually, uh, oh, ooh
Look, uh, Lex
Luthor RSVP'd "yes."
Oh, nice. I haven't seen him
since Colin Jost's wedding.
Now get out of my way.
I have really cool shit to do.
- Golden Glider, wait.
- What is it?
Is that what you're
wearing tonight?
Ugh!
Back off! I don't
want a carrot!
Mr. Gus, what's wrong
with the hamster?
Great question, Kenneth.
It's not a hamster
but a decapitated head.
[all] Oh.
That was a stupid
fucking question.
What the hell are you
teaching these kids?
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We do not use the "T" word.
This is a Montessori school.
We encourage learning
through play.
It's bad enough all these kids'
bodies are too small for me to steal.
Now I gotta put up with this
goofy-ass fake school bullshit?
Okay.
Well, since it's time for my
12 o'clock glass of milk
White Russian.
how about the
Queen of Fables here
tells you a story?
No! It won't be funny
'cause she's a woman.
Actually, I know a
super funny story.
It's about a little
bitch named Kenneth
who was extremely monti-sorry
he didn't go to a
real fucking school.
Come on, I really
need to talk to Lex.
I can't go back to doing
balloon animals
at kid's parties.
- [elevator dings]
- All right.
You want VIPs? I'm gonna
get the V-est IP out there.
Oh, he's not gonna let you in.
- I've been waiting forever
- [grunts]
Dammit, Bane! Why didn't
you think to do that?
Golden Glider, I'm
extremely busy
Lex, I know we've had
issues in the past,
but I am here to
personally invite you
to Noonan's grand
reopening tonight.
It is gonna be the
party of the year and
Say no more. I'm in.
I knew you were gonna say that.
How dare you Wait,
did you say yes?
Of course. What kind of
supervillain would I be
if I didn't support local
villain establishments?
I'd be delighted to come.
I just hope it's okay if I bring
all the top LOD people?
Suck my tit!
I mean, yeah, sure. I guess
we could probs make room.
Okay. Luthor-A, clear
my schedule for tonight.
I'm going to the
party of the year.
[Luthor-A] Clearing schedule.
Okay.
Well, this will be so fun!
Can't wait to par-tay down
with you and the gang.
Love what you've
done with the place.
Okay, bye.
The only way to keep
the Anti-Life Equation
safely hidden at
Noonan's is to make sure
that irrelevant dump
stays an irrelevant dump.
[chuckles]
Okay, Luthor-A, strike
what I just said.
Instead, call everyone
on the Legion of Doom
VIP phone tree.
I'm having my own party
tonight. [Chuckles]
I know my dad got the evite.
I sent it to his work, personal,
and secret Honduran
family account.
Babe, we need to blow
this reopening up!
- Go all out.
- Wait, really?
Well, what made you
change your mind?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe
cause a little someone
named Lex Luthor
is coming tonight
and bringing all his,
oh, I don't know,
friends from the Legion of Doom.
Say what?
Wait, the dad of
the LOD is coming?
I can't wait to tell Malice.
Where is that little
Cat! I can't find
Chessure anywhere!
She's out there alone
in this trash city.
Oh, my God! What if she
wanders into a Marshalls?
Okay, calm down.
I'm sure your cat will be fine.
She needs me. If she
eats any street meat,
she'll double in size.
Oh, that explains a lot.
Golden Glider says,
"Take care of that
freaking cat." So
[licks, meows]
Arrivederci.
Huh?
- [meows]
- [panting]
[exclaims]
- [woman screams]
- Oh, shit!
[snarling]
Well, technically, I
think it's whacked.
You shot my cat?
Dubelz, what is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
You're the one that
ordered the hit.
You said, "Someone needs
to take care of that cat."
I meant let it out.
Oh, God! So when I
said to take care
of my succulents the
other day, you
Took 'em out back and shot 'em.
Wait a minute.
So, when I told you to
take care of my nephew
I took him to Six Flags!
Shit! I gotta go.
I gotta take care of something.
Poor Chessure is lost
and alone out there.
I hope you and your
large pores are happy?
Well, at least I don't
need a rolling pin
- to apply my makeup.
- Whoa!
Ladies. Ladies, it's okay.
This city has top-notch
animal control.
Chessure will be
back in no time.
- [growling]
- All right, cat, I got you.
Just hop in the cage
and we can all go home.
- [snarls]
- Sweet Christ! What's that?
- [growling]
- [panting]
No, please. I was
just following orders.
I love animals.
[screams]
And they rejoiced the evil queen
and realized they should
mind their damn business.
The end.
You just told Hansel and Gretel,
except you replaced
Hansel with Kenneth.
Also, my middle name
is Thomas, not bitch.
Oh, you got notes?
Here's a note for you,
Kenneth. Fuck off!
[gasps] I'm gonna
tell my mom on you,
and when she gets out of
her Glutes and Chutes class,
she's gonna go fool Karen!
Because that's her name.
Wait, Glutes and Chutes?
Your mom is in good shape?
Bit of a butter face, but
she keeps it pretty tight.
All I care about is the body.
Mr. Gus, who's taking the
class pet home this week.
Now, kids, Ms.
Fables is not a pet.
She is a strong, independent
Shut up, you drunk!
I'm going home with Kenneth
and his rock hard mom.
- [all cheer]
- [thudding]
[growling, screeching]
You see the giant
cat too, right?
[all scream]
Hey, Kite Man,
the Peter Gabriel-era
Genesis cover band is here.
Yes! Dad's favorite.
Oh, babe!
Since we have extra fancy
guests coming tonight,
I got a box of those
extra fancy cupcakes from
the place down the street.
I'm leaving early because
I'm so upset with Chessure
that the only thing
that would cheer me up
is going to Lex
Luthor's party tonight.
What are you talking about?
Lex is coming to our
party, right, babe?
Uh, yes. He's coming with all
the top brass from the LOD.
He said it was going to
be the party of the year
and he wouldn't miss it.
[Tawny] Surprise!
Lex Luthor is hosting
the party of the century
at the Legion of Doom right now.
Hey, Lex.
Why the massive
last minute ball?
Let's just say that sometimes
the golden ideas glide right in.
- Lying son of a bitch!
- Why would he do that to us?
See? Now, out of my way.
I'm going to that party.
Malice, you walk out that door,
your rude, entitled,
perfectly-sculpted,
Pilates ass is fired.
It's Glutes and Chutes!
And you're the
worst bosses ever!
We're your only bosses ever!
I can't believe the world's
most evil super villain
lied to us about
coming to our party.
We have to do something.
I am going down to
the Legion of Doom
and demand Lex
stop his bullshit!
And come to our party.
- [bouncer] Next. No weapons.
- [metal detector buzzes]
I can already tell you
ain't on the list. Next.
Hey, listen, we need to talk
to Lex right now. He knows us.
Lex knows a lot of people.
Oh, 'cause he's so important?
[scoffs] I know a
lot of people too.
Chuck, Lex,
a bunch of people.
Dad?
Hey, Dad.
Shit. I gotta remember to
stop responding to that.
Him. We know him.
That's three.
You two gotta go.
You're holding up the line.
Next. No weapons.
- Babe, we gotta go.
- This isn't over.
Oh, Connie Antonucci
wants to join.
I don't want this group
getting too diverse.
Denied.
[gasps] Good Lord, Kenneth!
No shoes on the carpet.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, damn.
You must be Kenneth's mom.
My goodness, the
Glutes and Chutes
have sure paid off.
Oh, bless your heart.
I haven't eaten
carbs in a decade
and I had my inner
thighs removed.
Kenneth, get the bread knife.
It'll go perfect with
that butter face.
You can say it, my dad was there
because Lex is a
winner and I'm a loser.
- Dad only chooses winners.
- Oh, Chuck,
who cares what your dad thinks?
You are a winner.
And we are cool.
It doesn't matter
what Malice says.
Babe, you need to stop
with the Malice stuff.
You're starting to
sound kind of jelly.
Of course I'm jelly.
Malice is one of
those smug hot girls
who everybody's
dying to impress.
It just churns up all my
freaking insecurities.
Babe, in the words of Aragorn
to the hobbits in Lord
of the Rings Three,
"You bow to no one."
You're so smart,
you're muy caliente,
but most of all,
you're a better
person than this.
[chuckling] Wow.
I could say the same about you.
Why? I'm not
jealous of Malice.
Do I wish my hair had
that kind of volume?
- Sure.
- No! With your dad.
You're trying so damn
hard to win his approval
even though he's such
an ungrateful dick bag.
You're wonderful and he
doesn't deserve you, Chuck.
[growling, snarling]
[screaming]
Sweet shit! Is
that Malice's cat?
Maybe it's not Chessure.
Maybe there's another
giant cat wearing
a green onesie.
Nope, that's our cat.
I told you, Bane,
you're not on the list.
- Lex says you're banned.
- I am not here as a guest.
I am here as a balloon
artist for the kids.
You're out of luck, Bane.
Would you say yes to
Benjamin Franklin?
Have a nice time, Mr. Bane.
Whoopee!
- Next.
- [explosion]
- [sirens blaring]
- [people screaming]
Thank you for coming
on such short notice.
Well, you did say
you'd take away
the espresso machine
if we didn't.
[chuckles] Very good.
[thudding]
[people exclaiming]
[screaming]
Who dares attack
the Legion of
No fucking way.
Oh, I'm loving this.
You think the cat can
eat the whole Legion?
You mean the cat with the
name of our bar on it?
Oh. Damn it! You're right.
We can't start a
war with the LOD.
We've gotta stop that cat.
[gasps] I have an
idea. Follow me.
Hey, um, Mr. Bouncer.
I think we got off on
the wrong foot earlier.
So I'm here
Oh, God.
- Never mind.
- [balloon sputters]
Oh, Jackpot!
Grab a confiscated weapon.
- Hey!
- [whip cracks]
Come here. Chessure.
- Chessure, come.
- [snarls]
Chessure!
[exclaiming] Whoa!
Oh.
Come on, laser scope.
Pretend this is an
outdoor movie screening
and fuck shit up.
[snarling]
Thanks for the save, babe.
I hate to admit this, but
You're a little horny right now?
Yes. And I think we
need Malice's help.
[snarling]
How ironic.
I'm about to die from
a pussy eating me.
Like you've ever eaten
pussy in your pathetic life.
- That's why it's ironic.
- Malice!
You have to stop your cat.
Ugh, first you want me
to get rid of my cat.
Then you want me to stop my cat.
Make up your mind.
If your cat destroys this
bar, where will you work?
I don't know. Chipotle?
Okay, look, if you
call off the cat,
I will stop making
snarky comments,
which I only do because
you're young and cute
and I resent that everyone
thinks you're so cool.
Plus 15 an hour and
dental, whatever that is.
- Fine.
- Ugh.
All right, fine.
[growling]
Here, kitty, kitty.
That was it?
All we had to do was say,
"Here, kitty, kitty?"
No. All "I" had to do was
say, "Here, kitty, kitty."
- I am gonna polar bear smack
- [Kite Man groans]
Babe, are you okay?
That's a negative, babe.
This reopening failure is
cutting me pretty deep.
Gotta accept my fate as a loser.
I'm gonna go eat a tub of
potato salad like a cockroach,
'cause that's what my
dad used to call me.
- Potato salad.
- Babe, you know what?
I'm kinda glad this happened.
If all those big
shots were here,
we wouldn't be able
to be ourselves.
We were trying so hard
to impress other people
and look how that turned out.
Can you shut up?
I'm live right now.
Malice, you're fired.
No, I'm not. I saved the day.
And you said you
wouldn't fire me.
I don't care. I shouldn't have
hired you in the first place.
I gotta stop doing things
to impress other people.
There's only one person
I need to impress.
[all] We know, your dad!
No!
- Just my Glider.
- [rumbling]
[sputtering] Is that
[choir] Darkseid! ♪
Darkseid! ♪
- It's Darkseid ♪
- Malice
[choir] You're
gonna Be so scared ♪
'Cause he's Darkseid! ♪
- Ma
- [choir] Darkseid! ♪
You'll have To
wear a diaper ♪
'Cause he's Darkseid! ♪
See, this is why I say,
"Never get a choir from hell."
It's true he always says ♪
Enough!
I am God
[coughs]
daddy to Malice.
God-daddy to Malice.
Damn chip crumbs.
I heard about the cat.
You better not tell
me you lost this job.
Okay, but that's gonna
make this confusing.
Damn it, Malice! You useless,
pathetic little leech.
I'm glad your
parents didn't live
to see what you've become.
They would've been so
Disappointed
that they missed it.
Because Malice
literally saved the bar.
In fact, she's doing fantastic.
- She is?
- I am?
Hey! It's that goon bar,
what was on the side
of that monster cat.
Oh, this place rules.
Babe, love how you flipped
that disappointed thing.
That's real better person stuff.
Plus, looks like the cat might
have been great publicity.
It was brilliant publicity.
And it was all Malice's idea.
So not only is she not fired,
we're expanding her
duties to include
managing our social media.
[whispers] Uh, babe, we
don't have any social media.
Shut up, you beautiful idiot.
Digital marketing?
Very impressive.
Thank you for hiring
my troublesome Malice.
Maybe there's hope
for her after all.
I don't know why
you did that, but
Thu-nocks
I mean, thay-nocks
[sputters]
Are you trying
to say, "Thanks?"
Oh, is that how you say it?
I've only seen it written.
Okay. Get to work.
Uh, may I make you a drink,
Sir Darkseid?
[clears throat]
Non-alcoholic, please.
I'll make you one
of my fave bevs.
[slurps] Mm.
This iced tea and lemonade
mixture is divine.
Reminds me of my
favorite golfer,
- Arnold Trevino.
- Lee Trevino.
A round of Lee
Trevinos for everyone.
- [chuckles]
- [all cheering]
What's up, guys? I'm
here at "Newsies"
It's Noonan's. Hello.
Bane, what are you doing here?
I'm here, plowed to the gills
on antihistamines to see if
Hey, bouncer, you need
to kick this guy out.
Go get him, bouncer.
But you're still
working for tips.
Whoopee!
I'm 'sploding with joy!
[screams]
Got damn! There's a
line around the block.
I had to show Kenneth's
mom's titties to everybody
to get in here.
The reopening is a hit!
- We did it.
- No, we did it.
Oh, wait. No. You
said that. Whatever.
It's been a day. Just kiss me.
[both] Mm.
Do you know Chuck?
I'm his father.
Can I go through?
Holy shit! You guys
have the same birthday.
[sirens blaring]
[rock music playing]
Hell, yeah ♪