Koala Man (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

MRS. BANKS:
Thank you for coming, dear.
I saw your flyer.
You must be very busy.
- Ah, yeah. Hotline's been
ringing off the hook.
But it's no problem, Mrs. Banks.
Now what's the emergency?
- Oh, well, my son Matthew
bought me a Blu-Ray player,
but I can't seem to get
the bloody thing to work.
- This is not the proper use
of the Koala Hotline, Mrs. Banks,
but since I'm here
Okay, I see your problem.
Your TV needs to be on "HDMI 1."
You see this button here
that says "source"?
Press "source" then "OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Wait-wait-wait, just let me
put my glasses on.
Now which one is it?
KEVIN:
"Source" then "OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Oh, there's lots of buttons
aren't there?
It's very complicated.
- J-Just pay attention so you can learn
for next time, Mrs. Banks.
Just "source" and then "OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Okay, um, wh-where will I see--
where will I see that?
- Yeah, on the TV screen, yep.
- Uh
Oh, yeah, oh, there he is.
- Just, uh maybe you try.
- Um
- Just press "source"
then "OK" for "HDMI 1."
- Y-You're going very fast!
You're going too fast for me.
- Just there. Just press the button.
- Can you slow down a bit?
- Mrs. Banks? It's quite simple, actually.
If you just press there.
- I'm not following
- Then you can go down
"HDMI 1," you see that?
- Stop, just slow down.
- Press that button.
- "Source."
- Stop! You're going too fast!
Just-- Get out!
Get out, Koala Man!
[sobbing] You're sick!
The power's gone to your head!
[sobbing]
- Just try to collect yourself,
Mrs. Banks.
I'll go have a look at the switchboard.
Then we can try this again.
[vehicle revving]
[tires squealing]
Who the bloody hell are you lot?
ANNOUNCER: Tradies!
Sparky!
Brickie!
Chippy!
Lady Tradie!
Oi, fuckhead!
You got a permit to be touching
that switchboard?
This is Tradie territory.
You some kind of Koala Tradie dickhead?
No permit. I'm just helping Mrs. Banks.
And I'm not a Tradie, I'm a superhero,
thank you very much.
- Ha, you hear that, boys?
This unit reckons he's a superhero.
You got a license, bro?
Because you ain't shit without a license.
- Well, no, it's more
of a self-appointed position.
- I didn't do the hard yards
as an apprentice for all those years
so some fake hero shitcunt
could take my job.
- He, he, yeah,
you tell 'em, Brickie! Heh!
- We ever catch you
doing Tradie work again,
we'll burn you to a fuckin' crisp, mate.
We run this town.
See that? That's how a licensed
professional flips a switch.
[Tradies laughing]
I could have done that.
theme song playing ♪
theme continues ♪
Koala Kode 150.
Remember, kids, art is a hobby,
not a career
No.
And that is why, as Dapto's
greatest and only superhero,
I should be officially licensed
like any Tradie would.
Call me a Supie.
I see.
Normally, I would have my assistant Kevin
throw you out on your arse
for barging in here, but he's been
in the bathroom for some time now.
Between you and me, I think he's having
a wank in there. He's quite repressed.
- Well, I think Kevin's actually
pretty cool if you ask me.
- As to your request,
in order to receive a license in Dapto,
you must show that you provide
a unique service to this town.
As far as I can tell, mate,
your only skill is having
a full-on mental breakdown.
If I'm hearing you correctly,
you're saying if I crack
a big case no one else can,
you'll have no choice but to declare me
Dapto's official superhero in residence?
- If that's what you want
to take away from this, sure, whatever.
Then the quest is given!
Ah, Kevin Williams! There you are!
Back from the bathroom in a perfectly
reasonable amount of time!
That's our Kevin.
MAN: Hello, students, you're probably
wondering why I'm so excited.
Well, it's because today
is a very exciting day!
North Dapto High is starting
a new health food initiative
called "Lean Canteen!"
Thank you, Principal Bazwell.
Yes, as of today,
sugary, carbonated beverages
will no longer be allowed
on school premises.
- That'll do it.
Locked up tighter than a nun's clacker.
This is bullshit! I need my fizzy!
- Look, I know you kids
all love sugary drinks,
but as your canteen lady, I've seen
firsthand what this stuff can do to you.
Rotten teeth, focus problems.
And of course, type two diabetes.
That's the one you have to work for.
- But don't worry, I've come up
with yummy beverage alternatives
I'm sure you're gonna love!
- Now since this was
Canteen Lady Vicky's idea,
it will be up to her to enforce this rule
and distribute all punishment.
[cowbell jingling]
Now, pop off back to class!
- There's no way
they're taking away my fizzy
They seem to be taking it pretty hard.
- Poppycock, Vicky!
They'll come around.
At least I hope they do,
because doing all this was very expensive,
and your job depends on it,
Vicky, believe you me.
The fizzy pop must flow,
or the canteen lady's head is sure to go!
- What do you think
about these cool shorts?
Pretty practical, right?
Just like Dad always says.
Look at how deep these pockets are!
I could keep a sword in here
no, a katana!
No, a Scottish claymore!
Really any kind of melee weapon.
- I don't care how deep
your pockets are, Liam.
I don't think you understand
what's about to happen.
Because Mum banned fizzy drink,
everyone in school is going to hate us
more than they already do!
- You're overreacting, sissy of mine.
Surely no one will blame us.
- Your bitch mum confiscated my fizzy.
Now you're gonna pay.
Wait! You want fizzy?
I can get you as much fizzy as you want.
Hmmm, you better.
Or I'm gonna tell everyone that you got
fingered by Gemma's brother
and then you thought you got pregnant
so you did ten pregnancy tests
and it was embarrassing for everyone.
M'kay, byeeeeee.
[kids muttering]
- Where are we going to get
that much soda?
- Do you remember when Dad
tried to throw that party
for the queen's birthday
and no one came?
He bought loads of soda, and it's sitting
in our house even as we speak.
If they catch us, we could get expelled.
By our own mum!
Liam, if we pull this off,
we'll become two of the most powerful
and popular kids in Dapto.
- But how are we going to sneak
fizzy drink into the school?
We have deep pockets.
♪
Come on, ring.
Ring! Bring me a case, Koala Hotline!
The ever-vigilant eye
of Koala Man stands ready.
[cowbell jingles]
Ginger carrot juice pouch, sweetheart?
Thank you, Miss Vicky.
Mmmmm! My tummy's full,
but my body's healthy!
Aww, aren't you a dear?
[soda cans opening]
Ah! My healthy initiative!
Noooooo!
- Any minute now,
the big case will come in.
I hope.
Hm, perhaps I didn't print enough flyers.
- You don't need a license
to compete with those nasty Tradies.
You're good, honorable, cuddly.
Truly the best of us.
- Right on all accounts, Louise.
At least someone around here gets it.
- This country's taking
an elevator to hell
and stopping at every shit floor
on the way down.
Someone needs to set things right!
- Oh, I don't know, KM, how can you
compete with the Tradies?
They're like royalty!
They run Australia!
Some say the Tradies aren't even human,
that they have special abilitieeees.
Ooh, did that scare you?
- I read on Facebook that,
in other countries,
skilled laborers are at the bottom
of the social food chain.
And here they're living legends.
And so shall I be too.
As soon as the phone rings.
[phone buzzing]
It's on!
What is the nature of your emergency?
VICKY: Kevin, someone's
smuggled soda into the school!
Two kids OD'd.
They're off their bloody chops.
Principal Bazwell's in a tizz.
I'm worried I could lose my job!
- Are you saying you've got a case for me?
VICKY: What? No!
Kevin, I just wanted a little
emotional support from my husband.
- But I'm afraid
you didn't call your husband.
You called the only hero in this town
who can help you catch the smuggler.
VICKY: I accidentally called
your Koala Man Hotline, didn't I?
Indeed, you did.
Dirty Deeds ♪
Done dirt cheap ♪
Dirty Deeds ♪
Done dirt cheap ♪
Dirty Deeds ♪
Done dirt cheap ♪
Dirty Deeds
and they're done dirt cheap ♪
- Oh!
- Dirty Deeds ♪
And they're done dirt cheap ♪
Yeahhhh ♪
guitar solo playing ♪
Another ginger carrot pouch, darling?
Shove that healthy shit!
Kevin?!
I don't know to whom you're referring.
Is Kevin your husband?
Because he sounds really cool.
- Koala Man,
what do you think you're doing?
- I received your call on
the Koala Hotline, and I'm here to help.
- I specifically told you that calling
the hotline was a mistake I deeply regret
and your help was not needed.
- Which made me realize
just how serious the situation was.
You obviously needed someone uniquely
equipped to handle a smuggling ring.
And it's a good thing I'm here,
because I discovered a clue.
Jesus Christ, Kevin.
- Yep, that's LA Ice,
same kind of fizzy drink I bought
for my massively attended
queen's birthday party.
Whoever this crime lord is
has great taste.
- It's just a kid smuggling soda
into the school.
I can handle this myself just by talking
to the children on their own level.
I guess I can give that a shot.
Hey, who's bringin' in the fizzy?!
[sobbing]
Sorry, Vicky. Your way does not work.
- We're running out of product.
Soda's sold out everywhere in Dapto.
I didn't anticipate this much demand!
Maybe we should give it up?
You've had your fun,
but the heat's coming down!
Mum and Dad are hot on our trail.
[pounding on door]
MCKAYLA: I need more fizzy!
- Uh, come back tomorrow.
- Don't blow this, Alison.
You were the least popular girl
in school, and you can be again.
What are we going to do, Liam?
- We have to run away from Dapto.
It's our only choice!
I hear you're in the fizzy game
What? Who told you that?
No, no, no, no.
We love, uh, ginger carrot pouches!
Don't bullshit me, young Sheila.
I used to be quite a ripper in my time.
You ever service two bike gangs
in one day to stop a turf war?
Nah, you wouldn't have the stamina.
But if you want the fizzy,
I can put you in touch
with some old friends
for a cut, of course. [snickers]
You're on.
Okay, time to do this your way.
Hey, kids.
I know it's hard to tell an adult
when your friends are misbehaving,
but it's important you tell me the truth.
Who's bringing the fizzy drink in?
- Good try, Vicky.
But that's no way to make a child break.
- Kevin, I'm not trying to break them!
I'm trying to be direct and forthright.
I know the criminal heart, Vicky.
When I see the culprit,
I'll know it instantly.
Which is precisely why I installed
cameras in the boys' toilets.
That's where the deals
are probably taking place.
We have 360-degree vision of every stall.
4K Ultra HD.
- You can't put up cameras
in the boys' toilets, you'll go to jail!
- Oh, it's fine! They're concealed under
the seats so no one will ever find them.
- We're not spying on the children, Kevin!
Just go home!
I allowed myself to think for one second
maybe we could do this together,
but clearly I was mistaken.
Please leave before I get fired!
You're not a legitimate superhero.
- Well, that's not a very supportive thing
for a Koala Companion to say.
[wind whistling]
- I'm really scared, Alison.
Can we please just go home?
No! This is happening.
Janine's contacts should be here already.
- [screams]
- You the kids that want soda?
We can get you soda.
The Tradies run this town.
- Principal Bazwell,
do you think a good person
can do a bad thing and still be good?
- Liam, I know it's an old cliché
about the principal being your pal,
but maybe this principal can help you
get back in touch with your principles.
Ohhhhh! Wordplay!
I thought you'd enjoy that.
I want to talk to the authentic Liam.
Not the Liam you think you should be,
but the Liam who lives in your heart.
God's Liam.
Um hi?
Oh. Hi, Authentic Liam.
What's going on, man?
- I'm worried about my sister.
She's fallen in with a rough crowd.
- Aw, man, that sucks, dude.
Are they engaging in risky behaviors?
LIAM: You could say that.
I'm worried someone will get hurt.
Ugh! Always bloody construction.
- [door clangs]
- Huh?
What are you Tradies doing?
[sparks zapping]
No!
- You know, Liam, my man,
sometimes the bravest thing you can do
is confront someone
when they're on the wrong path, yeah?
Stand up to Alison?
Of course! I know just who to call.
Thank you, Princi PAL!
- [door closes]
- I'm a punisher for puns.
- After this,
you're out of the fizzy game.
That's plenty of crime for Liam,
thank you very much.
Ahh! Liam?!
- I really thought
I could crack this case.
Mrs. Koala Man's cross with me,
and I'm no closer to finding the culprit.
I had one chance to prove
to Big Greg I deserve a hero license,
but I reckon I'll never be a Supie now.
- I say we go down to that school and beat
the devil out of those little bastards.
No mercy!
- I wish it were that simple, Maxwell.
Maybe Dapto doesn't need Koala Man.
The only calls on the Koala Hotline
are quite abusive.
I've stopped checking it, actually.
- Don't be silly!
Nobody could ever hate you, Koala Man.
- I'm sure it's not that bad.
Go on then, let us have a listen.
MAN: [on voicemail]
Hello-ah-ah-ah! You're a dickhead!
Yeah, you got a little dick
on your head! Ha, ha!
[beep]
MRS. BANKS: Hello, Koala Man?
The Blu-Ray's out again.
I'll call you again in ten minutes.
[beep]
LIAM: Ah, yes, Koala Man,
this is an adult calling, not your son,
to tell you that if you want
to get to the bottom of the fizzy ring,
there's a big meeting happening tonight
at the abandoned warehouse
on Ashby Street.
Uh, who am I?
I'm just a concerned citizen
who's been stabbed.
Uh, yes, I'm dead.
But, but do please go to that warehouse.
Okay, goodbye.
- Jesus fackin' Christ! A murder!
Right on the Koala Hotline!
- The case is back on!
fanfare playing ♪
To the Koala Mobile!
Actually, can I borrow some money?
The Koala Mobile's low on petrol
and I left my wallet at home.
[straining]
Vicky?
Did you koala climb up here too?
I took the stairs.
Ah. Conventional.
What are you doing here?
- Thanks to my legitimate
superhero hotline,
I've cracked the case, actually.
What are you doing here?
Well, by actually listening to the kids,
I figured out who's
been smuggling the fizzy drink.
It's Liam.
KEVIN: Dear God.
Our beloved boy is clearly being
influenced by that hooded hoodlum.
Did you get the stuff?
Here's the money.
- This'll see you sitting pretty
for a year or more.
Regular, diet, even
that sugary shit from America.
Not that we'd ever drink it.
You don't get abs like this
from drinking soda, bro.
I don't understand.
You're some of the richest,
hottest people in town.
Why do you do this?
It's about power.
Most places in this world
look down on Tradies.
But here in Australia,
we're king of the castle.
We get a taste of every deal
that goes down in Dapto.
And I go home at night
to my beautiful, fit wife
and plow the shit out of her.
Yeah, he plows her rotten!
Really gives it to her!
Well put, Brickie.
- It's all here. You've actually
given us a little too much.
Here's your change.
Thanks for respecting the process.
This deal couldn't have gone any better.
[screams]
[thuds]
Liam Leslie Williams!
- Mum?!
- Mum? This is a classic stitch-up!
The kid stitched us up!
- Attention smugglers:
your soda operation is about to go flat!
I should have known you Tradies
were up to no good.
Turn yourselves in,
and I'll consider showing mercy.
- You should have
never come here, Koala Man.
I told you if I ever saw you again,
I'd burn you to a crisp.
And I meant it.
[snarling]
I'm gonna work my wood! Hahaha!
Bro, you need a better catchphrase.
- Help!
- Vicky!
Why are you in such a hurry, Koala Man?
You need to slow down!
Nooooooooooooo!
This is what happens to traitors.
I'm gonna blow a circuit
in your brain!
[screams]
Liam! No!
You've lost, Koala Man!
Tradies! Flex off, boys!
[Tradies laughing]
SPARKY: I'm gonna blow a circuit
in your brain!
[voice echoing]
[screeching]
[sighing]
[straining]
You'll never get away with this!
- We already have, baby.
It's time to cook the bear.
[sparks crackling]
Ohh!
- How did you--
- I may not have superpowers,
but I always carry
a delicious ginger carrot pouch
for energy.
Aww.
- This is for the boy you fried,
who I've only just met,
but nonetheless care deeply about!
[chuckling]
[snickering]
I might just get out of your hair,
actually, I'll just get out of here.
[roars]
[thuds]
That's it, Tradies. You had a fair go,
and you lost. Get outta here!
It is time.
We must summon Jack.
Who's this Jack you speak of?
dramatic music playing ♪
epic music playing ♪
ANNOUNCER: Jack of all Tradies!
Boss Level!
Oh, this is definitely not on.
Uggh!
You got a permit?
No mates rates, you're paying full price.
To get bashed!
Oi, dickhead, how about a soft drink?
[screams]
My perfectly healthy and hot body!
Empty calories!
[screaming]
Uggh!
Aah You avenged our son, Vicky.
I should have listened to you.
VICKY: Oh, Kevin!
I want you to know that you are
a first-rate Koala Companion.
- romantic music playing ♪
[both coughing]
LIAM:
Alison use the deep pockets
Deep pockets?
I don't under--
[gasps] Of course!
[groaning]
[both gasp]
[groaning]
What happened?
Oh, Liam! You're alive! Mwah!
Kevin? What happened in there?
How did we--?
- I must have had a feat
of superhuman strength
and carried us all to safety
in some kind of daze.
I actually can't think
of anything else that it could've been.
- Mum! Dad!
I've been looking everywhere for you!
I tried to stop Liam,
but he wouldn't listen!
- Alison, Liam doesn't have it in him
to pull off this whole scheme by himself.
I want you to tell me:
who's been running the soda ring?
[sighs]
Mum, I'm not going to lie to you
- The last dance is always
the saddest, isn't it
McKayla Taylor Mercedes?
- Janine, remove this person, please.
Take her to jail.
I'm innocent! I've been framed!
- It was Ali--
- Hush now, no one likes a squealer.
Thank you, Koala Man, I suppose.
Uh, we never could have
solved this without you.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
- And I never would have cracked it
without Canteen Lady Vicky.
She's a good'un.
Treat her right.
[doors bang]
Are you here to give me my superhero
license and make it official, Big Greg?
- Yeah, piss off, Koala Man.
I was never gonna do that.
I just said that because I had
to take a shit and wanted you to leave.
Also, you drove all the Tradies
out of town, idiot!
Sure, they were corrupt, but who's
going to finish my fuckin' veranda?
So why are you here?
- I've come to announce that the Council
has declared this whole soda ban illegal.
What? Why? It's helping the children!
- Dapto's greatest export
is unhealthy, unskilled laborers.
If these students get too healthy,
how are we ever going to stock Australia's
factories and slaughterhouses?
You're hurting Dapto's bottom line.
So it's off. Hyah!
Soda's back on!
[cheering]
KIDS: Fizzies!
Uh, Alison, can I talk to you?
- I thought you were grounded.
Father "confined you to quarters."
- He did.
But I want to tell you something,
and I didn't give away
your secret, so you owe me.
Uggh, fine.
- I came to tell you
that your pursuit of popularity
will only end in heartbreak.
It is foretold.
Back at the Tradie base,
I thought I heard your voice in my head.
- I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Pfft, what does he know?
Sure, I'm out of the fizzy game,
but at least it wasn't a total loss.
I will become
the Most Powerful Girl at School.
- Uh-huh?
Garden shears missing for three days?
Yes, Mr. Russo, I think Koala Man
can look into this for you.
I'll pop around soon.
The Koala Hotline
has been ringing off the hook!
That's two calls today.
Real ones, not just hateful slurs!
I think I might be winning this town over.
I'm proud of you, Kevin.
And I'm sorry I said you weren't
a legitimate superhero.
I know Big Greg disappointed you,
but for cracking the fizzy mystery,
I'd like to present you with this
Vicky.
I don't know what to say.
I love it.
Oh, but did you have this done
on the UV acid-free paper?
Because otherwise it will fade in the sun.
Oh, and is that a typo?
Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky
"Source."
"OK."
"HDMI 1."
I did it! All by myself.
Now I can finally watch my snuff films.
MAN: [on video]
Oh, no! Mrs. Banks, no, no!
MRS. BANKS: [on video]
Squeal for me, you yucky little pig.
[man screaming]
[buzzsaw cutting]
Ah, that was a good one.
theme song playing ♪
fanfare playing ♪