LA to Vegas (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 What are we looking at? Unattended bag.
We're debating how long it has to be there before it's considered suspicious.
The only thing suspicious about that bag is why someone would buy it.
It's not dangerous.
It's probably just some girl's.
Some tacky girl's.
She's better off without it.
I don't know.
It's not that bad.
You know whose it is? I bet it's Nichole's.
She doesn't need a bag that size.
She goes to Vegas just to strip.
All her clothes fit in her wallet.
Oh, it could be Artem's, though.
He could've won it off another gambler.
BERNARD: No, he stopped accepting luggage as payment ever since that duffle bag gave him bedbugs.
I think it's beds that get Artem bugs.
Well, it's got to be somebody.
Probably that Brit.
What's his name, your make out buddy from the bathroom? - Colin.
- I bet it's him.
- British men are basically American women.
- BERNARD: No.
That bag is way too expensive on a professor's salary.
This is dumb.
We can't stand here all day staring at a bag.
I'm gonna call security.
They'll take it away or explode it or whatever.
Ronnie, don't.
- It's my bag.
- What? I've been looking for it for 20 minutes, and I come back here and you guys are talking about how it's ugly and a girl's bag.
- It's both.
- Sorry.
I was waiting for you to leave to pick it up, but you know what? I am not ashamed.
I am a modern man.
I do not subscribe to labels.
I can own whatever bag I want.
I am Captain Dave, and I am proud to own a pink tote.
Hot saleslady sold it to you, didn't she? Ugh, she was so hot, Bernie.
I was trying to impress her.
I haggled her up.
- It was Captain Dave's bag? - Mm-hmm.
Ronnie is winner! Drinks are on me tonight! - [CHEERING.]
- All right! PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
[ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
[GASPS.]
Don't you worry.
She's here.
- Who? - Ronnie.
That's the one you're desperately looking for, yes? Nope.
I was just sitting here studying up for my weekend fatherhood duties.
It's like a 48-hour test every week, and I won't know how I did for 20 years.
Don't lie to me.
I'm a professional gambler.
I read people.
I'm just trying to read my book.
A book.
Hey.
You know what book I like? That one about the girl who's gone and Ben Affleck had to look for her.
Did you ever watch that book? "No" feels like the quickest way to end this conversation.
Hi, Ronnie.
See? Desperately, your head was like What just fell out of your hair? Are those muffin crumbs? "No" feels like the quickest way to end this conversation.
Oh, God, I would love for today to just be easy.
I'd settle for one flight without any fighting, vomiting, or fake emotional support animals.
Hey, Darryl isn't just some duck in a vest.
He's helped a lot of people.
No, I know.
He has.
I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm in a weird mood.
I had a date last night.
And it didn't go well? I wouldn't know.
I didn't actually show up.
I bailed ten minutes before, then hid my phone in a box of Kashi GOLEAN in case he texted back.
Really? Kashi GO Okay, it was an empty box of wine.
Can we just focus on my almost dating, please? I'm sure you had a good reason for not going.
Yes.
And that reason is I'm a terrible person.
Hello, friends and colleagues.
Guess who has two thumbs, nine toes, and just nailed an interview with Aviator Magazine.
That's right, this guy.
Favorite part of flying? Easy, the rush.
If I had one wish? More wishes.
Personal hero? Latinos.
They've been through so mucho.
Yup.
It appears old Captain Dave Pratman here has been named one of Aviator Magazine's top ten pilots to watch.
So keep your eyes open, kids.
But don't stare for too long, because this superstar burns bright.
Well, it sounds like a straight white guy's doing great.
So at least there's some justice in the world.
[PASSENGERS WHOOPING, CHEERING.]
This seat's open.
Oh, these? They're just coupons for the club I dance at, Grapefruits.
Free fruit salad with every lap dance.
- [COUGHING.]
- Oh I didn't realize you were sick.
Um, that's fine.
You can still come to the club.
Just ask for Danielle.
She can take it.
She beat super gonorrhea.
Is there a coupon to make you stop talking? [COUGHING.]
Ah, long time no see.
Hey.
Hi.
Ah, before I forget, I have something for you.
It's the key lime pie from Foundry.
Well, since you never showed up to try it, I thought you might like a piece.
[GASPS.]
You are the spurned rendezvous.
Oh, that's good.
People know.
I was worried it wouldn't be embarrassing enough.
- There's nothing in here.
- Yeah, that's right.
The key lime pie actually texted at the last minute - to say it couldn't make it.
- I'm sorry.
I know that I should've texted you earlier It wasn't just the timing, it was the content.
All you said was, "I just can't.
" That's not an explanation.
That's a clue on Dateline.
"Her last text was, 'I just can't.
' Then they found her hand buried in a Dumpster in Jacksonville.
" Isn't all of Jacksonville a Dumpster? No? Bad time? I just don't understand, Ronnie.
We spoke every day.
There was flirting and chemistry and suggestive emojis.
That wasn't suggestive.
I really was washing an eggplant.
At least finish the text for me.
You just can't what? You can't find parking? You can't pick an outfit? - You just can't what? - I just can't this.
You want to know why I canceled, Colin? Because you freaked me out, okay? You freaked me out.
- [ELECTRONIC CHIME.]
- Excuse me.
- Pie? What kind? - Symbolic key lime.
Oh, I like coconut cream.
- That's nice for you.
- No, it's not.
I'm allergic to coconut.
[ELECTRONIC CHIMING.]
Uh Shalom, guys.
- One large beer, please.
- How old are you? 13, but I'm a man tomorrow, so - Well, give me a ding in eight years.
- I can't.
Men and women can't be alone together unless they're married.
Wow.
That actually sounds really good to me right now.
Maybe I should convert.
Well, we're always looking for girls like you.
This is your captain And one of Aviator Magazine's top ten pilots to watch Here to give you a little reminder.
Just because you pay for sex doesn't mean you have to pay a lot.
So do what I do.
Go to Madame Kitty's Ranch off the 6.
Because you deserve to get a hando without paying an arm and a leg.
Ten pilots to watch.
Can you believe it? Lot of big names have been on that list.
Sully, Travolta, Chewbacca.
The Wookiee? No, the hairy Austrian that flies for Delta.
And you know who's never been on that list? Stupid Captain Steve.
- Isn't he married to a model? - Catalog model.
And this isn't about him.
This is about me.
I tell you, Alan, this article is the thing that's finally gonna make my career take off.
- [PLANE WHIRRING.]
- [PASSENGERS GASP.]
- Are you okay? - Uh yeah.
That was that was nothing.
I think it was your fault.
- I'm not touching anything.
- Well, maybe you should've been! Because everyone believes that Ben Affleck killed her, so he has to go to Madea for help.
Turns out the girl is not gone.
No, she is at Doogie Howser's house.
I thought she was at Barney from How I Met Your Mother's house.
You read it, too? What about you my friend? Hello, friend, are you okay? Hello? Oh, no.
Yeah.
No.
I think he's Gone Girl.
BOTH: Ronnie! - Are we sure he's dead? - I don't know.
Bernard took the emergency manual; he's checking.
Yep, he's super dead.
I never had anyone die on my watch before.
We should cover him with something.
We could cover him with my Hogwarts cloak.
Damn it, Alan, no one cares about Star Trek.
Even if we wanted to use Alan's gross cloak, we can't.
Airline protocol says we can't officially acknowledge death on the plane; we have to wait until we land.
Then he's pronounced dead on the tarmac.
- That's how I want to go.
- It's probably best not to draw any more attention to him anyway.
We don't want any of the other passengers to start freaking out.
- Like that chick? - [ELECTRONIC CHIMING.]
It was the Ruth Bader Ginsburg comment, wasn't it? That's what freaked you out.
I was joking.
Of course I believe she has legs under that robe.
I can't even describe how not the time this is.
You can't just tell somebody they freaked you out and then drop it It lacks couth.
- You lack couth.
- I have a buttload of couth! You were just so damn intense, okay? Like when we were planning the dinner.
It should be pretty simple, right? I counted.
You sent me 14 Yelp pages, five different menus, and one article about how L.
A.
is in the middle of a pickle boom? Renaissance.
Pickle renaissance.
Hi.
Um, I think my button's broken.
Nichole, did you need something? Um, yeah.
Look, I don't want to be a pain, but is there anything you can do about, um I'm sorry.
It's a full flight.
There's nowhere to put him.
And we're trying to be discreet, but I do have something I think will help.
These were in the lost and found.
"YOLO.
" So true.
[CHUCKLES.]
: Um, okay.
There's got to be something you can do to make me feel better about this.
- What do you mean? - Well, like, in college, if your roommate dies, you get straight A's for the rest of the semester.
I would know because my roommate actually tried to kill herself, but totally blew it at the last second.
It got me so upset, I don't even want to talk about it.
Wait, were you upset because she tried or because it didn't work? No, Ronnie, because she broke the ceiling fan.
Look, all I'm saying is that some people might say that a dead seatmate is way more traumatic than a dead roommate.
Fine.
How about I start counting strippers as military for early boarding purposes? Great.
People are always thanking me for my service.
Landing.
Landing.
No problem.
[EXHALES.]
Done it a million times before.
- What the hell? - Why are your hands all weird? Why do you keep paying so much attention to me? - Are you in love with me? - [CHUCKLES.]
: No.
- This is the back of the plane.
- What are you doing back here? Well, Captain Dave said I was getting a little too worked up, - so I needed a juice time-out.
- Oh, fine.
Here.
Just dilute it with water so you don't go hyper again.
- [GROANS.]
: Oh.
- [SIGHS.]
Okay.
So Nichole seems to be under control.
- How is Artem handling it? - Well I feel so guilty.
Do you know my first thought when I saw he's dead? "I should've made airplane death pool.
" I'm a terrible person.
- I feel no better.
- [DUCK QUACKING.]
This duck is broken.
He'll be fine.
Darryl's a pro.
Call me crazy, but I think we're actually gonna get away with this.
- [MAN GRUNTS.]
- ALAN: What? Hey, what the hell are you doing? Everything's okay.
The dead guy's alive.
That's not the dead guy.
This is the dead guy.
[PASSENGERS GASPING, MURMURING.]
And that, everyone, is why you should always turn off your cell phones.
So true.
To anyone feeling uneasy don't worry we'll be starting our descent at any moment.
And for the rest of you, I can't believe I have to say this, please stop taking selfies with the body.
[CAMERAS CLICKING.]
- You look bummed.
‭ -Yeah.
A man's death forces you to consider your own legacy.
And for me, that legacy is a black-hearted coward, confused with the films of Ben Affleck.
Well, there's still time to change that.
The Talmud says a man's legacy is not sealed upon his death, but upon every moment which he lives.
- Oh, that's comforting.
- Yeah.
- And Talmud says that? - I don't know.
People listen to you more when you say the Talmud says it.
No one's actually read it, so no one can call you out.
Thank you.
I feel much better.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, uh, can you get me a beer? No, you cannot trick me, little policeman.
- Ronnie? - Yeah.
Hi.
Um, since the secret's out, could you do something about this? Just hang tight, okay? We're gonna be landing any minute.
Just be normal! Can you please just move him? I can suppress anything, but even I'm reaching my limit here.
Okay.
Ooh.
You want to play a game? Heads or tails? Heads? [GRUNTS.]
Yeah, I'm not sure this game had a winner.
I'm sorry you're stuck doing this.
I asked Bernard for help, but he just reminded me how much his hand cream cost, then walked away.
It's quite all right.
In many ways, this is the perfect metaphor for us.
Oh.
Pretty quippy for a guy holding a dead body.
I am pretending he is a rug.
I'm pretending I've never done this before.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
All right, what's going on? Nothing.
What are you talking about? Tell me.
Or I'll tell everyone what happened - the night we were grounded in Billings.
- You wouldn't.
We both agreed Billings was a mistake.
Okay, look.
When I was in high school, I was a star football player, big man on campus.
Hands down, the best punter in the district.
In fact, it was my punt that got us into the state championship game.
- That sounds wrong.
- It was right after that game that I got a I got a hitch in my-my kicking motion.
Almost like a like a stutter kick.
You're talking about the yips.
It was the most challenging time of my life.
That was the most challenging time of your life? I watched my neighbor drown.
The point is, the same thing's happening to me right now.
Every time I grab my yoke my hands go crazy.
I can't land this thing.
Well, if we're gonna die, I'm gonna have some carbs.
Ugh! God.
Thank you.
And I am sorry for canceling.
In retrospect, I should've just said "Let's bang one out and hit the pancake house.
" I like pancake's house.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, Colin, we're just too different.
I really did us a favor by not showing up.
It's like when you know a massive storm is rolling in.
You don't fly into it.
They cancel, and you go get drunk at the airport bar.
Out of curiosity, how many of your analogies end with "and get drunk in the airport bar"? Ronnie, we have a problem.
And it's not even that.
- The yips? - Would everyone please stop saying that word? I-I have dead body all over my hands.
I will use whatever word I want.
Why don't you just let Alan land the plane? Because Aviator Magazine named me a top ten pilot to watch.
The only list Alan is on is the top ten people who can suck it.
[GROANS.]
Ew.
God Alan.
We need you, buddy.
You're up.
Me? Yeah.
[APPLAUSE.]
- [PASSENGERS GASPING.]
- RONNIE: Oh, my God! BERNARD: Out of the way, out of the way! [ALAN GRUNTS.]
It's okay, everyone.
According to the manual, he's still alive.
Just curious how terrified should we be about all of this? Depends.
You know how to cure the yips? Wait, my friend Krystal had that.
Her fingers kept locking up every time she tried to unsnap her bra.
She had to stop dancing, but now she runs the club's day care, Little Grapefruits.
I still can't believe they got approved as a Montessori.
- So what are you gonna do? - Oh, God.
All right.
We're landing this plane.
- Oh, you can fly.
Thank God.
- No, but you can.
And I am going to help you through it.
This all started with the magazine article, right? That's good.
That means it's all mental.
Just like your high school football thing.
So how did you get over it when you were a punter? I quit the team, transferred schools, and now can't go near a football without having a panic attack.
Okay.
That's not helpful.
I guess the best way to get over this is to quit Jackpot, switch careers and become a train conductor.
Conductor Dave.
Yeah, that sounds good.
I'll be one of Railroad Magazine's top ten conductors to watch.
Oh, God, the pressure.
I can't land this train! Oh, my God.
BERNARD: This is the most depressing travel experience I've ever had, and I was on the Titanic.
Movie set.
Billy Zane has some demons.
I'd never seen a dead body before.
In Britain, you try to die like a cat: in a quiet corner, burdening no one.
Yeah, listen up, everybody.
Enough sadness.
This man is dead, but we are not.
And if I have learned anything from this tiny rabbi here today, it is that we must make most of life while we have it! [LAUGHS.]
So come, let us all celebrate that we're not dead, or Alan.
No.
Let us rejoice.
[PASSENGERS MURMURING.]
Hava nagila? Hava nagila Ve-nis'mecha - Yeah! Hava - Hava Nagila, hava nagila Hava nagila Ve-nis'mecha Hava neranena, hava neranena Look, I know this whole top ten thing has gotten to your head.
But that's not pressure.
Real pressure is safely flying a plane full of people who are all counting on you to get them to their jobs.
To get them to their families.
To get them to the people they're going to help.
And you already do that every day.
So put aside the what-ifs and all the ways this could go wrong, and just do it.
WOMAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Jackpot 320, you are cleared to land.
So what do you think, Captain? You want to land this thing? Las Vegas tower, this is Jackpot 3-2-0.
Mark her inbound.
Ready to land.
Ah! [KISSES LOUDLY.]
[PASSENGERS CHEERING.]
Yeah! We did it! We're going to Vegas! [CHEERING CONTINUES.]
DAVE: Hello, passengers.
Sorry for the delay; wasn't my fault.
Welcome to Las Vegas.
[PASSENGERS CHEERING.]
It's called Grapefruits, and yeah, as long as you have a letter from a rabbi saying you're a man, they'll totally let you in.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, we made you out of clay And when you're dry and ready, the slot machine we'll play Hey! Colin.
Colin, hi.
Hey, um, I've been thinking.
Let's do it.
You and me.
Let's put aside all the what-ifs and all things that could go wrong, and the public arguments in restaurants, the breakups, the makeups, the pregnancy scares, so many pregnancy scares.
So I say let's fly into the storm, let it tear the plane apart, and see if we both survive.
What do you think? You want to do this thing? No.
That sounds awful.
Why would we put ourselves through any of that? Up till now, our relationship has been 90% fighting, seven percent holding a dead body, and three percent making out in a tiny bathroom.
This isn't gonna work.
Yeah.
- Yep.
Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah? Uh, you're totally right.
I think I was just coming off a high from landing the plane, uh, but now that you say it, it makes sense.
Okay.
I'll see you Sunday.
Hello.
This is Captain Dave Pratman, top ten pilot to watch, returning a call about a photo shoot tomorrow.
Just want to confirm that it's not a practical joke.
I've been burned before.
Great.
I like it dirty.
And I don't mean the Martini.
This is the smoking section.
Boom.