Laid (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

WOMAN: Did you know that one of my ex-boyfriends died on Tuesday? I wish he was better in bed so this moment wasn't so awkward.
Hi.
Hi.
Look, if you and your boyfriend want to send each other saucy emails Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend! No, no, no! Davy! God, I haven't seen you in ages.
Well, not since that well, at theparty.
There's a word for people like you where I'm from.
Oh, really? Yeah, it's 'fucking slut'.
MAN: Jesus! Two of them.
Two.
Are you sure you want to do this? This is what people do after they've had a shock.
ROO, ON MACHINE: Listen, Lleyton MAN, ON PHONE: Can you please stop calling here? Was he there? Lleyton's dead.
There's one pet I like to pet And every evening we get set I stoke it every chance I get It's my girl's pussy Often it goes out at night Returns the break of dawn No matter what the weather's like It's always nice and warm I bring titbits that it loves We spoon like two turtledoves I take care to remove my gloves When stroking my girl's pussy.
MAN: Well, that's the thing about mini-marts, though, isn't it? The representation of life, six aisles of chakra, and the check-out point - just stay with me here - the check-out is Sahasrara.
That's the chakra in the middle of your head.
It symbolises the detachment from illusion, and that's why you take your key card out and you pay at that particular point.
Drive-through, though, well, they're a whole different kettle of fish.
OK, thank you.
You can sit down now.
That was too over-the-top, wasn't it? It was fine, Dad.
It's just that I thought that's what a Hindu taxi driver from Croydon would say.
I know.
You can't ask me to pad out these groups and not expect me to inhabit the character.
Don't (Sighs) Stop being oversensitive.
You've been eating factory-farmed meat, haven't you? Dad.
Your bowels are sluggish.
How would you know? Well, you can tell by looking at someone's eyeballs.
I saw on the Katrina Warren show.
Katrina Warren's a vet.
Yeah, well, we're all members of the animal kingdom, though, aren't we, underneath it all? Sure.
Did you join that dating site that your mum sent you the link to? No.
Why not? There's no shame in it these days.
You know, that's where your Uncle Rod met Sandra, there.
Sandra had a penis.
Yeah, well, that's not the site's fault, though, is it? They can't police everything! Besides, those photos from the waist up, they hide all manner of sins.
I just can't go on dates right now.
It's complicated.
You haven't grown a penis, have you? (Laughs) Hey? Have you grown a penis? That's not funny.
No, it's not, is it? So, how was the funeral? Oh, actually it was horrible.
Yeah, well, those things are never a picnic.
No, no, it was awful.
Someone died.
Mmm.
No, someone died.
What - in addition to Oh, God.
That is awful.
Yeah, it was after the wake.
He was hit by a car.
Oh.
Someone you were close to? Well, kind of Not really, though, you know.
I mean, I'm OK.
It was just a bit surreal.
(Sighs) Well, if it makes you feel any better, I haven't dobbed you in for downloading porno and crashing the entire office computer system, so He sounds nice.
He is nice.
That's the problem.
Look, I know three exes in one go is a bit weird.
A bit? I'm a doomsday cult.
You're acting like there's some sinister plot.
There is.
Just because a few old boyfriends - I wouldn't call Davy a boyfriend.
I slept with him once at a party.
Up against a sink.
And suddenly he's hit by a car.
Sucks to be him.
And then Lleyton, my first proper, proper, proper boyfriend, who I liked to hold hands with in food courts Has an aneurysm.
Creepy.
It's just a rotten coincidence.
It is creepy! I'm like Tutankhamun.
You're like Tutankhamun? Yeah.
Anyone who enters my tomb is doomed with an Egyptian curse.
Are you saying your 'tomb' is your Really? I have a crypt.
(Knocking at door) Do you mind? I don't really want to see him right now.
He can understand hieroglyphics, though, if it helps the two of you communicate.
Well, he can draw snakes.
(Sighs) You're looking well.
Can we just do this? Yep, sure.
Let me guess - she has chucked out my Nintendo.
Do you want a Christmas sword? So, can I see her? I don't think that's a great idea.
Why not? Well, she's kind of emotional at the moment.
Spare me.
She's not ready to see you.
What? Don't be such a dickhead.
I'm not.
Oh, God, I hate this part - the bit where she cracks her sads and makes me suffer.
She's not trying to make you suffer.
When do we get to the good bit, you know, where we make up and have special mum and dad time? Gee, that's Hmm.
Not sure.
OK.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's our bed.
Yep.
No, what's it doing there? Well, EJ was going to get a trailer around and take it to the tip later on.
What for? Because she bought a new bed.
I put in half of that bed! No, you didn't.
Well, I said I would! I came around and I had the money ready and everything.
She just wasn't here.
Oh, that bed was Ah, shit! OK, then.
Thanks for stopping by.
So, Roo, can I have the bed, then? (Crash!) I tell you, the next girl who gets him is Lucky.
Lucky.
(Light switch clicks) MAN: Are you comfortable? Not particularly.
No, I don't suppose you are.
I have to ask that question.
They get mad otherwise.
Who does? Oh, people.
You know, the authorities.
Now, if you're up for it, I'd like to try out something new.
OK.
Now, this is a technique I picked up in Vanuatu.
Do you know Reba Shikaki? No.
She does absolutely marvellous work with vaginas.
Right.
Now, I want you to think of this as a sort of aura cleansing.
Down below? Down below aura cleansing.
Fine.
Uh, have Have you ever come across a weird disease-type thing where, um, anyone who, well, enters a vagina ends up dying? What - like gonorrhoea, HIV, syphilis, that sort of thing? 'Cause I can give you a test if you like.
Not in an STD way, I mean, like, um, other kinds of deaths? Like how? Like an aneurysm? A penis aneurysm? Is there such a thing as a penis aneurysm? I don't know.
Be awful if there was.
A brain aneurysm.
Ah, right.
Tell me, are you feeling any heat at all when I'm doing this? No.
Oh, damn! Bloody Reba.
And Wasted trip, that was.
Being hit by a car.
Mm-hm.
And overdosing on kava, the mud alcohol.
Is this one of these trick questionnaires, where if I get an answer wrong, you can tell me that I'm gay? It doesn't matter.
I'm just being an idiot.
Hey, you 'Cause I'm not, you know.
Completely the opposite.
I'm going to try something else out.
(Bells chime) (Doctor whistles) It's a chemical power Alone all the time Roo, Roo, Roo, Roo, Roo! I'm sorry, I can't get Roo, Roo! Oh, your thing, your thing's going Oh! Hi.
How long has he been out there? Uh, all day.
That's a first.
I know.
I'm kind of surprised at how hard he's taking it this time.
The crying and the wrestling with mattresses is sort of out of character.
He does look pretty upset.
He looked that upset when his sister told him he resembled Daryl Somers.
Maybe you should go and talk to him.
Oh, don't.
I'm just saying You know what we're like.
One second we'll be talking, the next we'll be back in bed, and after that, we're on again.
I'm trying to be disciplined.
I know.
Sorry.
(Sighs) I don't want him to sing any more Grinspoon.
He started making up his own verses about an hour ago.
Come on.
Night, Zach.
Where you going? Can I come? I wouldn't even know how you pick up in a bar these days.
Isn't there, like, an iPhone application you can get that beeps when someone compatible walks in? There used to be.
I think too many people got raped, so they had to take it off the market.
I need a move.
What do you mean? You know, like, a move, like a signature thing so potential suitors will know when I'm interested.
Potential suitors? It's been, like, two years or something.
That's a long time.
What about that nice boy with the big hair that you picked up last time you and Zach were on a break? That didn't count as picking up, officially.
I woke up naked in his housemate's bedroom looking like the girl from The Ring.
Oh.
Unsubscribe.
Right.
Did that guy just look? Did Probably a lazy eye.
Yes, it's a lazy eye.
So, do you work nearby, or Yeah, just in the city.
I'm a dental technician.
Oh, wow! That's Not very sexy.
I wasn't going to say that.
Very high suicide rate too, right? Statistically speaking, you know, as far as careers go.
Roo works in market research.
Oh, really? Yes, our main focus this week is how to make dental technicians want to kill themselves in neighbourhood bars.
(Laughs nervously) She's very funny.
Uh, so, Van, why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself? Er, yeah, erm (Laughs) Kind of feels like I'm being interviewed for a job.
You might be.
Did you bring your own bib and spit bucket? Uh, excuse me.
Sure.
I didn't mean That was just a joke.
Hi! Oh! Fancy seeing you here.
Is this your local? Um, no, not really.
Yours? Uh, well, sort of.
We're closer to the Kent, but we had to stop going there when they stopped letting Asians in.
(Laughs nervously) Well, it's nice to see you.
Uh, yeah, you too.
Come and meet my friends - or friend - EJ.
She's trying to pick up a dentist.
I think I made him want to kill himself.
I have that effect on people.
Um, this is Charlie, the IT guy from work.
Hi.
Charlie, this is EJ and Van.
Oh, Charlie.
So, what brings you here, mate? Oh, actually, look, I've, um WOMAN: Charlie! (Coughs) Hi.
I'm Stacey.
Hi, Stacey! Hi, Stacey.
Stacey.
My dad said I couldn't borrow his car after what happened last time because I'm still on my Ls, but have you guys seen Charlie's wheels? Well, my car's not actually that bad.
It's grey! It's like bird poo! Yuck! Yuck, was it? Is it yuck? I suppose you park two blocks away when you come to work so that nobody sees it.
Yeah, it's actually sharia law.
It's got to stay ten paces behind me or it'll get stoned to death.
(Laughs) I drive a Prius.
Of course he wouldn't be here on his own.
Why would he be here on his own? He's here meeting his girlfriend.
His five-year-old girlfriend.
What's that about? Seriously.
She does look a bit on the junior side.
A bit? He's practically a child molester.
I'm going to report him to DOCS on the way home.
Maybe I'm too old for him.
Bindi Irwin's too old for him.
Don't.
He's really nice.
Oh, is he one of the nice paedophiles? Well, I'm not going to sit here like an idiot while he's on a date with his girlfriend.
Do you mind if I leave? Course not.
This thing with Van looks like it might be going somewhere anyway.
See? Haven't even mentioned Zach all night.
He seems sweet.
He seems like a dentist.
Now, you go, alright? Look amazing, smile, and go.
Alright.
Thanks for that.
You'll be alright with them? Oh, sure.
I'll breastfeed her if she starts getting tedious, or you know, I'll just jangle my keys.
They love that.
Like, the whole way they've done it and all the action, and I mean, vampires! That's totally original, right? CHARLIE: Mmm, yeah.
Like, no-one's ever done They've set a new trend.
I mean, I know, like, heaps of people think it's really lame or whatever, but I think they're really intelligent, and I mean, they're cast perfectly because you cannot get better than Edward Cullen, and Jacob Get up off the grass, for God's sake.
I'm trapped in a glass cage of emotion.
Well, come on.
I'll help you.
It's just so hard to lift.
I know.
When you're hurting so deep.
Yes, yes.
Please start trying to act like a normal person.
Just for a little bit.
Come on, Zach.
I'll help you.
Zach, everyone has problems.
Yeah, well, you know those BMX kids from around the corner? Well, they came past before and one of them called me a faggot.
Well, don't listen to them.
I'm not a faggot.
They're faggots.
Zach, they're only children.
Come on.
I'm going to help.
Come on, up you get.
Thanks.
I appreciate it, really.
No problem.
It's just when things get rough, you know, you lean on the people that you've known for the longest time, and those that come through for you, you never forget them.
Yeah, well, it's not a big deal.
Yeah It's a big deal, Roo.
I'm hurting.
I know.
What's she doing tonight, anyway? Uh, she's out for a drink with friends.
Picking up, right? Oh, I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't know.
I know how she rolls.
You don't have to protect me.
We'll sort it out.
Anyway, you don't want to sit here all night listening to me bitch about EJ.
How's shit with you? Uh shit with me is shit, actually.
Bad news bears? Two of my exes have died recently.
Fuck, that sucks.
Three, actually.
Seriously? It's a bit intense.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
This ex of mine, from high school, died in a car crash.
And it really affected me.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, it's not like we went out for that long or anything, but .
.
it still made me really sad.
It's kind of hard to know what to do with that emotion when part of you feels that you haven't earned the right to grieve.
That's exactly what I've been going through.
I get it.
As Keith Urban once said, 'To love and pain.
' Amen, Keith, wherever you are.
He's not ZACH: Hey, are you awake? Oh, my God.
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
Did we Did we actually Yeah, we did.
Oh, my God! This is This is awful! This is What? This is like a nightmare! Oh, come on.
Just don't get too stressed out about it.
It's not that bad.
I've had worse.
Ow! Come on, don't start over thinking things, alright? There's always been a spark there.
It's a little strange if you're asking me, 'cause I like to eat and laugh and fuck and play down low, and these are the things, uh, that I know.
You know who said that? Where's my other shoe? It was a little band of cosmic poets called The Cat Empire.
I did not think this was going to get a workout so soon.
Mum! Mum, are you awake? Dirty stop-out.
You look like death.
I know.
Where did you end up? I just had a few wines at Mum and Dad's.
Oh, yeah? Listen, EJ You'll be pleased to know that Van was a gentleman, and minty fresh.
Oh, he stayed.
Mm-hm.
Are you going to see him again? Maybe.
I'm not sure I really want a dead dentist hanging from my ceiling.
I think it worked, though.
Purged of Zach.
Oh, you're not going to believe who dropped in this morning? Who? Andrew.
What - Andrew Andrew? Andrew Andrew.
That's weird.
I know.
He's really keen to see you.
Keen in a 'we made a terrible mistake, let's get married' way? He wants you to call him.
Is he still going out with man-shoulders? (Doorbell rings) Roo, you made it.
Hello! He didn't tell me you were It's nice to see you.
Come in.
Everyone's downstairs.
Look who's here.
Hello, darling! Oh, don't you look lovely? Doesn't she look lovely? MAN: Yes, she looks lovely.
Hi.
WOMAN: Hiya, gorgeous.
Oh! Are you still working at the marketing place? For my sins.
Where's my Jasper? Oh, here he is! Here's my Jasper! Hello! (Laughs) (Laughs) Hey.
Hi.
Oh, I'm so glad you could come.
Of course.
Let me see you.
God, how long has it been? Too long.
It has, hasn't it? Too long, far too long.
So, have you been well? You seem well.
Yeah, I've been, you know, working hard.
Mm-hm.
Still in hospitality? Retail.
Oh, you moved into retail.
No, I've always been in retail.
Um, I'm just going to seize the moment now to say a few words, if that's OK with everyone.
What's all this about? Shh.
I'm so glad to have the people who are most important in my life here today.
One way or another, you all hold a very special place in my heart, so, thank you.
Hear, hear.
Thanks, Dad.
Sometimes you reach milestones in your life, and your first thought isn't, 'What's this about?' it's, 'Who can I share this with? Who do I want to take on this journey with me?' Kristen, of course.
She's been with me every step of the way.
She's my rock, and I'm so grateful.
I love you so much, darling.
I love you too.
The reason I asked you here today is because I want to tell you in person.
I'm dying.
Cheers! Are you alright? Nothing's coming up.
Yeah, it's a bit of a shock.
I understand.
That's an understatement.
I thought you were about to tell us you were getting married! God, you know I don't believe in marriage.
Three weeks.
Really? Yeah, but you know, what's important Oh, God, here it goes! Oh.
(ROO RETCHES) You know, to be honest, I was expecting something a little bit more supportive.
I'm sorry, I'm just What am I supposed to do here, Roo? Comfort you? It's not always about you.
This is This is intense.
Uh, yeah.
Kind of know the feeling.
Why is this happening to me? That was supposed to be an intimate experience.
I am sharing something incredibly important with the people who mean the most to me, and you're turning it into a personal crisis.
I'm not making a scene, really, it's just You're just dry-retching in the backyard.
Apart from that.
No more dramas.
I don't have time for it any more.
I'm sorry.
EJ: Jesus! Shut up, shut up! (Laughter) Oh, hello! Hey! Don't mind me.
Don't mind us! We will I think she has rumbled us.
We will take this We will take this to the kitchen.
Toilets? Shit.
It's not funny.
What are you doing? Don't take them off again! Are you OK? (Shower hisses) I'm sorry about the whole There was no arse-to-keyboard contact, I promise.
So, you're back on, then? What can I say? The guy has a hold on me.
Pathetic, but true.
You think I'm an idiot.
No, I don't.
I know it's stupid.
He's not a complete dickhead, you know.
How was Andrew's? There has to be a logical explanation.
I'd love to hear it, and I'm keen to know what you're going to write down there.
Is it a sign to stick on my head in case someone else wants to have sex with me? I'm a Capricorn.
We make lists and we take it from there.
Now, Andrew was the last person you slept with? Mm-hm.
Wow.
That is sad.
So, we've lost Brendan and Davy and Lleyton.
Right.
And Andrew's Sick.
Not long for this world.
Sorry, I'm just trying to get it straight.
So, Brendan was the first to go.
Death by kava.
Davy was hit by a car.
And Lleyton had an aneurysm.
Gosh, this is cheery.
Who was the first person you slept with ever? Lleyton.
Brendan was the second? And then Davy.
And Davy died after Brendan.
I can't believe we're having this conversation.
Come on, there has to be a thread.
There's no thread.
There's justdeath.
Brendan, then Davy, then Lleyton.
Doesn't make any sense.
None of it makes sense! How come Lleyton died after Davy? He didn't.
What do you mean? I mean, he died ages ago.
I only found out later because Which means they're being knocked off in order.
Do you think they're being knocked off? There were more, right? Of course there was more.
You're a modern woman.
There's heaps more.
We need to write them down.
Why? Do you think they're going Are more people going to die? We just need to find them and make sure they're OK.
What if they're not OK? One step at a time.
Cast your mind back.
Who was the first person you had sex with after Davy? Erm Closed Captions by CSI