Lazor Wulf (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
That Was Today This Is Tomorrow
1 La, la, la [Title music.]
La, la la la, la-la la la Da da da da Da da da da da da Heyyyyyyyyy Wallace: How does Gallant stay getting clowned by someone named Goofus? Like, who the [Bshh.]
is Goofus? [Monitor beeping.]
All right, God, we're almost done just as soon as we complete your stress test.
No need for that, Doc.
My stress levels are exactly where the [Bshh.]
they should be.
I feel like I keep having to reiterate this, but you know I'm not a real doctor, right? [Monitor beeps rapidly.]
Well, the machine says that you got no chill, so you basically got to relax.
I hate to break it to you, bro, but you know Dr.
Frasier's right, man.
You really lack an extreme amount of chill.
My name is Kelsey Kelsey Grammer! I'm a Yeah, that's good.
My name is Kelsey Kelsey Grammer! I'm just an actor.
God damn it! I've been here for three days, and I Both of y'all can shut your dumb asses up! - I invented chill.
- Did you? For real? 'Cause, uh, last time I checked, you got, like, half an eternity of unclaimed vacation days stacking up.
Oh, no wonder you've got such a poopy personality.
The dead boy is right.
You need a vacation as much as I need to go [Thunder crashes.]
You want to see chill? Frasier Crane, I'm-a show you chill.
I'm declaring it Bike Week For A Day.
I'm turning all of creation into Mutumbo Beach, South Carolina.
When I vacation, the whole damn world vacations.
You feel me? [Whimpers.]
Please, just let me go home.
[Bicycle bell rings.]
Jamantha Carthwright here, with God.
God, could you say a few words about why you made today a holiday? Hell no! I'm on vacation.
And so are you.
This is Jamantha Carthwright, signing off.
Have a great Bike Day, and don't forget to keep it bikey? Who writes this [Bshh.]
?! Vacation! All this horsey wanted [Bicycle bells ringing.]
Oww! Vacation Gonna b-b-b-bike, b-b-b-b Hey, Stupid Horse.
You ever experience traffic so bad that it just makes you want to die? B-b-b-bike, b-b-b [Sighs.]
Yes, I have.
- Really? - Just playin'.
Anyways, the whole world is on Vacation A true gift from Go-o-o-o-o-d Nothing is ever a gift from God.
You still stressing that [Bshh.]
? Of course I am.
I'm supposed to be the only bike rider in town.
That's always been my thing.
[Jamaican accent.]
Young King Yeti, today is your birthday, so it's time for you to leave home and make your way about the world.
Ah, but, Father King Yeti, I'm, like 9 years old, my dude.
Truth, but me got you a bike, though.
See it? With this, you make your impact.
This is your ting! Take it and go.
Bidi-bidi-bye-bye! Never let anyone take your ting.
Now, seriously, get the [Bshh.]
off me property before me call the cops.
Be safe, me son, okay? Bidi-bidi-bye-bye! Well, spinna, they everybody's thing now.
Ol' bucket head in the sky made it that way.
How am I supposed to compete with that? I mean, I don't know.
Am I supposed to? Is that my job now? Should I add "Helping Yeti reclaim bikes" to my itinerary? That's exactly what I must do.
I have to reclaim what is mine.
That's great! Trying to enjoy my day off, and spinnas out here wanting me to be they therapist.
I'm all for taking the day off, but being forced to not work is even worse than working.
Which I also don't do.
Dude, give it a rest! That's exactly what He wants me to do, and that's exactly why I refuse to do it.
So what you gonna do, my dude? Go out and go get yourself a gig? Psh! Trippin'.
You Goddamn right that's what I'm-a do.
Ha! You know having a job is not in your capabilities.
I used to not be capable, but that was today.
This is tomorrow.
[Sighs.]
Not only is this Esther's line now too damn long and too damn hot, now I'm craving ice cream.
I don't got no time for an appetite right now, man.
I'm just gonna go do some tricks.
Good for you.
I'm-a go and get a Dikembe Pop.
[Voice breaking.]
So beautiful.
[Cheering.]
[Cheering.]
[Cheering.]
We saw your moves, Yeti.
You're like the Countess Vaughn of 10-speeds.
Only you deserve to ride.
King Yeti, you are the king of all bikes.
Wow.
Your tricks seem to be resonating with these little shits.
Exactly! It's It's, like, resononatin' with our mind and our third eyelashes and [Bshh.]
.
[Cackles.]
Wallace, look at these [Bshh.]
heads! Live strong, shit peddlers! Are you really mad at people for celebrating a holiday that you made? Yyyyyyyyep.
I-I-I don't know, man.
Maybe you're just not meant to be chill, bruh.
Shut up, Wallace! Can't let you in, sir.
I'd appreciate it if you just kept it moving.
- Says who? - Says me Top Flight Security of the World.
Now go away.
I got a job to do.
You're supposed to be taking today off! No, you're supposed to.
Like I said, I have a job to do, so bye.
[Rapid beeping.]
This fart noise of a doorman is trying to Chevy Chase me on my vacation! Who the [Bshh.]
is Chevy Chase? Also, you really should calm down.
Remember what the doctor said, man.
I know! Do me a favor and check the list.
And your name, sir? Keep playing with me.
I'll curse you, boy.
I'll make everything you eat taste likemayonnaise.
Go ahead.
I was getting bored of eating, anyways.
[Rapid beeping, rumbling.]
That ain't chill, man.
You know that [Bshh.]
ain't chill at all.
[Chuckling.]
Hey! Wallace! Man, I ain't seen you in a minute.
How's Dead World? Yo, I'm gonna keep it a buck with you, Canon.
Like, the Dead World is pretty terrible.
Yeah, I can imagine.
So, why y'all not in the Cluuuurb? Spinna, who you think? Your own brother Lazor Wulf.
Lazor Wulf?! What?! Stop talking around me like I'm not here! Your jackass brother won't let me in.
Nah, son.
I got you.
Come on.
Sorry.
No cannons allowed.
For real? Lazor Wulf, it is me.
Look, I apologize for the inconvenience, sir, but until I clock out, being Top Flight Security of the World is thicker than blood.
- You power-trippin' right now! - Nah, you right.
Abusing power is my favorite part of the job by far.
- Hat is pretty cool, too.
- Enough! The hell with this! The Clurb is wherever I say it is! And tonight, we take it to church.
[Angelic choir harmonizes.]
Nobody? Nobody wanna praise me? Not right now? Well, I say we party right here.
[Crickets chirping.]
Are you not entertained? [Man coughs.]
Y'all dare to clown the Lord?! [Cheers and applause.]
Wallace: Bruh, they not clownin'.
They're cheering.
Oh.
Good.
Continue to cheer me.
[Whistle blows weakly.]
All right.
Enough of this.
I can't be letting y'all have fun before the function.
It's not allowed.
Now, the rest of you aren't getting in, and it's all Big Head's fault.
[Crowd booing, jeering.]
[All gasp.]
Hey, Wallace, what is going on? Why have they stopped cheering me? And why ain't that crowd riding their bikes? [Cheering.]
[Voice breaking.]
His tricks is just so beautiful, man.
It's, like, resonatin' with my soul and shit.
That spinna's truly the king of bikes! This bike-riding Bigfoot really got people out there burning their bikes and rejecting Bike Day! I'm King Yeti, king of all bikes.
Can you believe this attention whore? All hail me now.
All hail the king of the bikes.
Let us celebration coronation by going to the Clurb.
It ain't happening, people.
Y'all don't need to go home, but you need to go home.
Mmm! I was enjoying a delicious Granny Smith apple, and I heard some commotion.
Who are you, and what's this fuss about? I'm Top Flight Security of the World for this Clurb.
Mmm! You're adorable.
[Chomps.]
But you not anything for the Clurb, you stupid [Bshh.]
.
I would know 'cause I owns it! I mean, I think it's pretty obvious I work here.
I did send in an application.
You did, but you don't have the job till you've been hired.
Mm-hmm! This apple mm-hmm-hmm! Want a bite? - That sounds like a scam.
- Scam? I am just your everyday Granny Smith-loving Clurb owner.
Now, everyone vacate the area before I call the Woop-Woops.
So, you calling the Woop-Woops?! Good! 'Cause there's about to be a crime scene! Calm down, man! Like, why don't you just try killing them with kindness, man? You know what, Wallace? That is a great idea.
Back in the B.
C.
, I would have turned all you asshats into salt, but because I've learned to be chill, everyone gets a gift today.
Think of me as your modern-day Oprah Winfrey.
You get a car! [All screaming.]
You get a car! And you get a car! [Cackles.]
[Screaming continues.]
- On that note, time to clock out.
- Great idea.
Oh, my God, how was my day off gonna be more stressful than my actual workday? Ooh, that's nasty.
You need a doctor.
Fixed! [Cackles.]
You're welcome.
[Whooshing.]
With this flashback, I will remind you to make an impact.
This is your ting! Bidi-bidi-bye-bye! Yo, get out my way, man! Got to save my homey.
[Wheels squeak.]
An important lesson was learned today.
- I learned that - Hey, you! Asshats! It's me Stupid Horse.
Y Y-You're not asshats.
I was trying a new thing, you know? [Chuckles.]
Finally made it, though.
[Chuckles.]
Time to hit the Nah.
I'm hungry.
I'm going to Esther's.
Now, that's a good idea.
- Yeah, let's bounce.
- Yes.
Now that I've reclaimed all bikes, it's time for me to go reclaim my appetite.
Well, since I'm here I might as well check out the Cluuuuurb Don't nobody tell me I can't get in the Clurb! I am the mother[Bshh.]
Clurb creator! Anyone who steps in the Clurb is gonna pay the price.
Hey, homeys! Stupid Horse has arrived! Y'all mind if I get down on the dance floor like Nick Cannon and wiki-wiki wild out? And you get a plane.
[Whistle!.]
And this is what I get for comin' to the Clu-u-rb Cl-Cl-Cl-Clurb, Cl-Cl-Cl-Clurb Cl-Cl-Cl-Cluuuurb [Still whistle!.]
[Screams.]
[Clank!.]
My ankies!
La, la la la, la-la la la Da da da da Da da da da da da Heyyyyyyyyy Wallace: How does Gallant stay getting clowned by someone named Goofus? Like, who the [Bshh.]
is Goofus? [Monitor beeping.]
All right, God, we're almost done just as soon as we complete your stress test.
No need for that, Doc.
My stress levels are exactly where the [Bshh.]
they should be.
I feel like I keep having to reiterate this, but you know I'm not a real doctor, right? [Monitor beeps rapidly.]
Well, the machine says that you got no chill, so you basically got to relax.
I hate to break it to you, bro, but you know Dr.
Frasier's right, man.
You really lack an extreme amount of chill.
My name is Kelsey Kelsey Grammer! I'm a Yeah, that's good.
My name is Kelsey Kelsey Grammer! I'm just an actor.
God damn it! I've been here for three days, and I Both of y'all can shut your dumb asses up! - I invented chill.
- Did you? For real? 'Cause, uh, last time I checked, you got, like, half an eternity of unclaimed vacation days stacking up.
Oh, no wonder you've got such a poopy personality.
The dead boy is right.
You need a vacation as much as I need to go [Thunder crashes.]
You want to see chill? Frasier Crane, I'm-a show you chill.
I'm declaring it Bike Week For A Day.
I'm turning all of creation into Mutumbo Beach, South Carolina.
When I vacation, the whole damn world vacations.
You feel me? [Whimpers.]
Please, just let me go home.
[Bicycle bell rings.]
Jamantha Carthwright here, with God.
God, could you say a few words about why you made today a holiday? Hell no! I'm on vacation.
And so are you.
This is Jamantha Carthwright, signing off.
Have a great Bike Day, and don't forget to keep it bikey? Who writes this [Bshh.]
?! Vacation! All this horsey wanted [Bicycle bells ringing.]
Oww! Vacation Gonna b-b-b-bike, b-b-b-b Hey, Stupid Horse.
You ever experience traffic so bad that it just makes you want to die? B-b-b-bike, b-b-b [Sighs.]
Yes, I have.
- Really? - Just playin'.
Anyways, the whole world is on Vacation A true gift from Go-o-o-o-o-d Nothing is ever a gift from God.
You still stressing that [Bshh.]
? Of course I am.
I'm supposed to be the only bike rider in town.
That's always been my thing.
[Jamaican accent.]
Young King Yeti, today is your birthday, so it's time for you to leave home and make your way about the world.
Ah, but, Father King Yeti, I'm, like 9 years old, my dude.
Truth, but me got you a bike, though.
See it? With this, you make your impact.
This is your ting! Take it and go.
Bidi-bidi-bye-bye! Never let anyone take your ting.
Now, seriously, get the [Bshh.]
off me property before me call the cops.
Be safe, me son, okay? Bidi-bidi-bye-bye! Well, spinna, they everybody's thing now.
Ol' bucket head in the sky made it that way.
How am I supposed to compete with that? I mean, I don't know.
Am I supposed to? Is that my job now? Should I add "Helping Yeti reclaim bikes" to my itinerary? That's exactly what I must do.
I have to reclaim what is mine.
That's great! Trying to enjoy my day off, and spinnas out here wanting me to be they therapist.
I'm all for taking the day off, but being forced to not work is even worse than working.
Which I also don't do.
Dude, give it a rest! That's exactly what He wants me to do, and that's exactly why I refuse to do it.
So what you gonna do, my dude? Go out and go get yourself a gig? Psh! Trippin'.
You Goddamn right that's what I'm-a do.
Ha! You know having a job is not in your capabilities.
I used to not be capable, but that was today.
This is tomorrow.
[Sighs.]
Not only is this Esther's line now too damn long and too damn hot, now I'm craving ice cream.
I don't got no time for an appetite right now, man.
I'm just gonna go do some tricks.
Good for you.
I'm-a go and get a Dikembe Pop.
[Voice breaking.]
So beautiful.
[Cheering.]
[Cheering.]
[Cheering.]
We saw your moves, Yeti.
You're like the Countess Vaughn of 10-speeds.
Only you deserve to ride.
King Yeti, you are the king of all bikes.
Wow.
Your tricks seem to be resonating with these little shits.
Exactly! It's It's, like, resononatin' with our mind and our third eyelashes and [Bshh.]
.
[Cackles.]
Wallace, look at these [Bshh.]
heads! Live strong, shit peddlers! Are you really mad at people for celebrating a holiday that you made? Yyyyyyyyep.
I-I-I don't know, man.
Maybe you're just not meant to be chill, bruh.
Shut up, Wallace! Can't let you in, sir.
I'd appreciate it if you just kept it moving.
- Says who? - Says me Top Flight Security of the World.
Now go away.
I got a job to do.
You're supposed to be taking today off! No, you're supposed to.
Like I said, I have a job to do, so bye.
[Rapid beeping.]
This fart noise of a doorman is trying to Chevy Chase me on my vacation! Who the [Bshh.]
is Chevy Chase? Also, you really should calm down.
Remember what the doctor said, man.
I know! Do me a favor and check the list.
And your name, sir? Keep playing with me.
I'll curse you, boy.
I'll make everything you eat taste likemayonnaise.
Go ahead.
I was getting bored of eating, anyways.
[Rapid beeping, rumbling.]
That ain't chill, man.
You know that [Bshh.]
ain't chill at all.
[Chuckling.]
Hey! Wallace! Man, I ain't seen you in a minute.
How's Dead World? Yo, I'm gonna keep it a buck with you, Canon.
Like, the Dead World is pretty terrible.
Yeah, I can imagine.
So, why y'all not in the Cluuuurb? Spinna, who you think? Your own brother Lazor Wulf.
Lazor Wulf?! What?! Stop talking around me like I'm not here! Your jackass brother won't let me in.
Nah, son.
I got you.
Come on.
Sorry.
No cannons allowed.
For real? Lazor Wulf, it is me.
Look, I apologize for the inconvenience, sir, but until I clock out, being Top Flight Security of the World is thicker than blood.
- You power-trippin' right now! - Nah, you right.
Abusing power is my favorite part of the job by far.
- Hat is pretty cool, too.
- Enough! The hell with this! The Clurb is wherever I say it is! And tonight, we take it to church.
[Angelic choir harmonizes.]
Nobody? Nobody wanna praise me? Not right now? Well, I say we party right here.
[Crickets chirping.]
Are you not entertained? [Man coughs.]
Y'all dare to clown the Lord?! [Cheers and applause.]
Wallace: Bruh, they not clownin'.
They're cheering.
Oh.
Good.
Continue to cheer me.
[Whistle blows weakly.]
All right.
Enough of this.
I can't be letting y'all have fun before the function.
It's not allowed.
Now, the rest of you aren't getting in, and it's all Big Head's fault.
[Crowd booing, jeering.]
[All gasp.]
Hey, Wallace, what is going on? Why have they stopped cheering me? And why ain't that crowd riding their bikes? [Cheering.]
[Voice breaking.]
His tricks is just so beautiful, man.
It's, like, resonatin' with my soul and shit.
That spinna's truly the king of bikes! This bike-riding Bigfoot really got people out there burning their bikes and rejecting Bike Day! I'm King Yeti, king of all bikes.
Can you believe this attention whore? All hail me now.
All hail the king of the bikes.
Let us celebration coronation by going to the Clurb.
It ain't happening, people.
Y'all don't need to go home, but you need to go home.
Mmm! I was enjoying a delicious Granny Smith apple, and I heard some commotion.
Who are you, and what's this fuss about? I'm Top Flight Security of the World for this Clurb.
Mmm! You're adorable.
[Chomps.]
But you not anything for the Clurb, you stupid [Bshh.]
.
I would know 'cause I owns it! I mean, I think it's pretty obvious I work here.
I did send in an application.
You did, but you don't have the job till you've been hired.
Mm-hmm! This apple mm-hmm-hmm! Want a bite? - That sounds like a scam.
- Scam? I am just your everyday Granny Smith-loving Clurb owner.
Now, everyone vacate the area before I call the Woop-Woops.
So, you calling the Woop-Woops?! Good! 'Cause there's about to be a crime scene! Calm down, man! Like, why don't you just try killing them with kindness, man? You know what, Wallace? That is a great idea.
Back in the B.
C.
, I would have turned all you asshats into salt, but because I've learned to be chill, everyone gets a gift today.
Think of me as your modern-day Oprah Winfrey.
You get a car! [All screaming.]
You get a car! And you get a car! [Cackles.]
[Screaming continues.]
- On that note, time to clock out.
- Great idea.
Oh, my God, how was my day off gonna be more stressful than my actual workday? Ooh, that's nasty.
You need a doctor.
Fixed! [Cackles.]
You're welcome.
[Whooshing.]
With this flashback, I will remind you to make an impact.
This is your ting! Bidi-bidi-bye-bye! Yo, get out my way, man! Got to save my homey.
[Wheels squeak.]
An important lesson was learned today.
- I learned that - Hey, you! Asshats! It's me Stupid Horse.
Y Y-You're not asshats.
I was trying a new thing, you know? [Chuckles.]
Finally made it, though.
[Chuckles.]
Time to hit the Nah.
I'm hungry.
I'm going to Esther's.
Now, that's a good idea.
- Yeah, let's bounce.
- Yes.
Now that I've reclaimed all bikes, it's time for me to go reclaim my appetite.
Well, since I'm here I might as well check out the Cluuuuurb Don't nobody tell me I can't get in the Clurb! I am the mother[Bshh.]
Clurb creator! Anyone who steps in the Clurb is gonna pay the price.
Hey, homeys! Stupid Horse has arrived! Y'all mind if I get down on the dance floor like Nick Cannon and wiki-wiki wild out? And you get a plane.
[Whistle!.]
And this is what I get for comin' to the Clu-u-rb Cl-Cl-Cl-Clurb, Cl-Cl-Cl-Clurb Cl-Cl-Cl-Cluuuurb [Still whistle!.]
[Screams.]
[Clank!.]
My ankies!