Lead Balloon (2006) s01e02 Episode Script
Wayne
It should be a very good night.
We're nutters in the frozen goods industry.
- Work hard, play hard, that's very much us.
- Right.
- We know how to enjoy ourselves.
- Oh, right.
- There are some real characters out there.
- Right.
I'll send you through to the holding area where you can stand by.
- Holding area? - Oh, what do you call it? Greenroom.
Sorry, frozen goods term.
- I think I prefer it.
- After you.
Everybody, this is Rick, he's your compere.
- Rick, this is Voulez-Voulez-Vous.
- Hiya.
You're gonna be introducing them.
Um, help yourself to coffee, please.
We're looking at going on in ten so, um, make yourself at home.
- OK.
- Oh.
Just one more thing.
I don't know if it was mentioned to you but our MD is in the audience.
He's originally from Pakistan, so if you could avoid any racialist jibes.
- I never - I'm fine with whatever, but it might be best.
Any other occasion, fine, but, you know.
Anyway, apart from that, it's all yours.
OK.
Um, are you fine? Fine? Excellent.
- So do you do a lot of racist material?.
- Of course I bloody don't.
Cool.
So do you do a lot of Abba material?.
Yeah.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane (Rattling outside ) (Gate squeaks ) (Gate clangs against wall) Bastard.
(Cutlery jangling) (Loud jangling) Ohh.
- (Sighs ) Some tea.
- Mm.
(Sighs ) What time is it? Quarter past six.
- Oh - I thought you'd like a cup of tea.
What I'd like is another hour's sleep.
Tell me about it.
I'm not like you, I can't sleep through that kind of thing.
- Mel?.
- Mm.
Mel.
I'm just saying, I can't sleep through that kind of thing.
You know the dishwasher wasn't turned on last night? No teaspoons anywhere in this house.
Apart from that, happy, are you? It's unbelievable - no teaspoons anywhere in this house.
I cannot find a single teaspoon.
The entire kitchen just grinds to a halt.
- Use a big one.
- Oh! But where are they? Where have they all gone? - Perhaps we'll never know.
- It's always teaspoons.
You never get a sudden shortage offorks or - Buy some more.
- No, because you know what'll happen.
I'll buy some new ones and the old ones will reappear and we'll have a glut of the things.
Fine, so wait until the old ones magically reappear.
- That's odd, the toaster's not working.
- What do you mean? - Well, look.
- It can't be broken, it's not that old.
- At least three years.
It's probably the fuse.
- No, it's never the fuse.
They just tell you that to raise your hopes.
Don't waste your time.
All I want is a teaspoon.
Magda really might have just switched on the dishwasher last night.
- How's it going? - Good, thanks.
Do you think this happens in intensive care? Granny lying there, ''I'm so sorry, she's passed away.
''Hang on, it might be the fuse! ''No, she has died, sorry.
'' Here we go.
Any minute now.
- Ready? - Yeah.
It's not the fuse.
Was it me or you said it wouldn't be the fuse? - Hi, Magda.
- Hello.
- Toaster is broken? - Yeah.
It's not the fuse, is it? - What is fuse? - A little safety thing inside the plug.
In my country we don't have fuse.
I find that surprising for a country that runs agricultural machinery off the light sockets.
Magda, was there any reason why the dishwasher wasn't switched on? - Of course.
Was not full.
- It is full.
Come on, it is full.
- There's room for more plates.
- It doesn't have to be stuffed full to work.
- It's not easyJet.
- It's expensive to have on all the time.
I'm not saying put it on all the time.
The point is the washing-up gets done when it suits you.
- I'll leave you to it.
- What have you got today? - Handyman Harrison's book launch.
- Handyman's written another book? - Take the toaster, see if he can fix that.
- Buy a new one.
That's your answer to everything, isn't it? - If it's broken, yeah.
- Just buy a new one.
(Door shuts ) I don't know, Magda, you know? (Sighs ) It's just me and Handyman Harrison who knows how to fix things around here.
No one ever empties the crumb tray.
It's just Eurgh.
(Spits ) Why don't you take back to shop? No, no.
No, I'll justI'll just I'll just have to mend it myself.
(Sighs ) As usual.
You, er, checked the fuse? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- It wasn't that? - No.
It's only a few months old.
I bought it here.
- Oh, right.
You got the guarantee? - No.
- Got the receipt? - No, I haven't, but I am a regular customer.
- Did you keep the box? - Why would I keep the box? So I can put it away again after breakfast? - Well, I'm gonna have to charge you.
- Oh, come on, it's faulty.
- I use this shop all the time - I haven't seen you.
- I'm in here all the time.
- So am I.
I haven't seen you.
- It was probably the other bloke.
- What other bloke? It's just me, I'm the only one who works here.
- Maybe your hair was different.
- I'd still have seen you.
Whatever.
The point is, I did buy this here and now it won't work.
OK, if I can't fix it I won't charge you.
- Come back tomorrow.
- Thank you.
And I'll keep the same hairstyle so you recognise me.
Hey, I thought you wanted to make an early start? - I had something to sort out.
- I missed breakfast to get here early.
There's no you, no toaster and I haven't eaten.
I can't work like this.
- Have some cereal.
- I can't eat that muesli you buy, it'sgrey.
- It's good for you.
- Dust with bits in it.
It should come in an urn.
I'll buy you some Coco Pops.
Have some fruit.
Oh, no, you're American.
What's going on here? - He is sleeping with everybody.
- Is he? Oh, what an arsehole.
- What's with the toaster? - He's having a look at it.
You sure it's not the fuse? Yeah, we're pretty sure it's not the fuse, thanks.
- Hi, Ben.
How's it going? - Yeah, good.
Just took my driving test.
Yeah? Good.
Pass? - Nah, not really.
- ''Not really''? - You failed.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- What did they fail you on? - Justgeneral driving, I think.
- Just general driving.
- I was all right with, er, indicating.
Yeah, they kept asking him about, like, road markings and reversing.
- Yeah, I - (Marty ) That sucks.
Yeah, how fussy.
Take it again, yeah? - No, he doesn't want to, Dad.
- Yeah, I think I'll just knock it on the head.
Just forget it? Yeah.
In my country, if you want driver's licence, you buy.
Over here examiners test you.
Yes, from examiner.
You give vodka, cigarettesbutter, you get licence.
- Butter, you can get a licence? - You bought yours? Oh, no, I don't want to drive in my country.
Very dangerous.
Many accidents.
- Really? Why's that? - Come on, let's get to work.
Let me know what happens.
No teaspoons in this house.
- So, Voulez-Voulez-Vous come on.
- Who? The Abba tribute band.
They're unbelievably bad.
They've changed every song slightly to avoid paying royalties.
They look like Abba? What was Anni-Frid like? Shut up, I'm telling the story.
All these frozen food executives are dancing and singing along but they're singing the proper versions.
So they start booing and BjÃrn starts getting all shirty.
- Did BjÃrn have the beard? - No, the other one - With the Kermit grin? They all divorced.
- Who cares? It's just a tribute band.
- If they're serious they should divorce too.
- I don't even know if they're married.
God, this is a pointless conversation.
- So what happened? - Forget it, it doesn't matter.
- Come on.
- I'll tell you later.
Let's do some work.
OK, what's this DVD you're hosting? Er, it's People Do The Dumbest Things Volume Three.
I did volume two last year.
I want to hear the Abba story later.
I've got 300 links to write between girls throwing up in phone boxes and blokes stapling their eyelids together.
- Maybe watch it? - No.
Trust me, it's hilarious.
(Chuckling) OK.
Intro, same shit, er, Darwin concluded from his research that we all evolved from primates but somebody forgot to tell these guys.
That actually is the same shit.
That is precisely what I said on volume two.
So? What if they say, this is exactly how you introduced the last DVD? Maybe say, people do the dumbest things.
Man slips and gashes head on diving board.
Fat man trapped in storm drain.
Man sits on barbec - You would've let me do that.
- It would make a good link.
- Thanks.
- You're walking, talking Just do it completely straight and in a funny voice.
- How's that for comedy? - You're not - You want to wait out here? - No, I'll come in.
- No, wait here.
- I'll come in.
I can sort it out on my own.
I don't need you to come in.
I want to support you.
Hi.
- Er, II get my papers delivered from here.
- What's the address? - 12 Holland Road.
- How long for? - What? - How long you away? What are you cancelling? - I don't - What do you want instead, then? - No, I - Don't want a different one? Can I tell you instead of you guessing? It'll be quicker.
- The paperboy who, er - Yeah, Wayne, is it? - Yeah, Wayne.
- You know him, do you? No, I don't know him, you just said his name and I repeated it, that doesn't - Has he got you the wrong paper? - No, I was going to tell you, remember? What it was? - Um, sorry, the guy who comes in, Wayne.
- Wayne, yeah.
You know him? - No, I just said I don't.
- You said you did.
No, I didn't, you said his name and I said Wayne again.
I misunderstood you completely.
- I'm just repeating the name you said.
- But you like the name.
- I don't know him.
- Right.
But he is noisy in the morning.
Could you have a word because With his trolley, you know? Can he oil it? The wheels? He comes crashing through the gate.
You know? - You could have a word - He's The thing with Wayne, well, you'll know this from knowing him, he's hard to get through to cos he's not bright.
Well, that's OK, you don't have to be bright to be quiet.
- Well - You know, you can a lot ofa lot of quite thick people are really very quiet.
Maybe put that to him.
No, I will say something, but I'm just saying I can't promise it'll do any good.
- You know? But I willI will try.
- OK, OK.
- All right.
- Ahh, isn't that lovely? Look.
- Yes, a nice wedding dress.
- Yeah.
- You married? - No, I've got a partner.
Oh.
Oh, no, not that kind of No, my partner isn't It's all right, there's a lot of them about.
No, I'm not one of them that there are a lot of about.
My partner's a woman and, er we could be married if we needed to be.
- Why aren't you, then? - Or wanted to be.
Well Are you still married to someone else? No, there's none of that going on, no.
We probably will get married at some point.
- I think you should.
- (Sighs ) Do you? A lot of people don't make that commitment nowadays.
We're committed Could you have a word? - If you're not married you're not committed.
- (Sighs ) I'm really committed to my partner, Mel, and we're not married.
- That's a man's name.
- It could be a man's name but she is a I'll bring her in and introduce you, OK? No, you're all right, I'm quite busy in here anyway so Anyway, could you have a word? So what if they do sack him, he's a moron who wakes the whole street.
You're gonna get him fired cos he woke you up? Michael, you be the judge.
My paperboy wakes me up every morning because he's so noisy.
What would you do? And you can tell him to be quiet because he'll forget because he's He's what? - You know, he's - No.
- The point is he makes a lot of noise.
- Does he? Um, well, it wouldn't bother me.
- I'm with you, Michael.
- I'm up by then.
I have trouble sleeping.
(Sighs ) But if you were asleep and your paperboy woke you, what would you do? - Well, I'd probably have to shoot him.
- (All laugh) (Imitates cocking gun ) (Imitates rifle shot) (Imitates rifle shot) - Can I recommend the pasta? - Please, yeah.
Two pastas? - MrBlue Sky.
- That was unpleasant.
- I didn't think we'd get out of that mime alive.
- Adjusting the sights OK, People Do The Dumbest Things.
How about this - bride falls into paddling pool.
- Who has a paddling pool at a wedding? - To make £200 on a funny video? - You think that one wasn't real?.
- No, I don't think so.
''All right, love, we'll leave the kids to do the dangerous stuff.
'' ''That's right, Jimmy, step on that plank, it won't break.
'' - What are you doing? - Taking a couple of spoons.
- Why? - Because I need them at home.
- You're gonna steal his teaspoons? - I'll bring them back when mine turn up.
- What if yours don't turn up? - He'll have to wait a bit longer.
- It's stealing.
- It's not stealing.
- Teaspoons don't count.
- Take the nice silver ones from a shop.
Shops are different.
Places like this reckon on losing spoons, it's in the business plan.
- Thank you very much.
- Careful, those are quite hot.
- Can we have some Parmesan, please? - Certainly.
Oh, and could we have some teaspoons to go with the? The coffee came without, you see, so um - Your coffee came without teaspoons? - Yeah.
Didn't it, Marty? - II didn't notice.
- Oh.
I did.
- Right, I'll, er, get you a couple of teaspoons.
- Thank you.
And Parmesan.
Yes, yes, you said that.
Now he's suspicious.
You drew attention to the spoons.
You're wrong, it's a confidence trick.
Why would I point out something missing if I'd stolen it? It's a smokescreen, reverse psychology.
Thank you very much, that's great.
Uh-huh.
(Michael) Couple of teaspoons there.
Maybe a teaspoon for the Parmesan? - Perhaps use that one? - Well, it's I might have sugar in my coffee, you see, andand I might goand then into there It'sit's gonna taste all Parmesany.
- OK.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You are dicing with death.
That guy's got an imaginary gun and he's not afraid to use it.
I haven't finished yet.
Now, if the waitress clears our stuff I can have these ones as well, because she doesn't know we've got teaspoons.
- You're sick.
- (Giggles ) (Sighs ) I can't believe that paperboy.
It's like a dawn raid.
Trundle, trundle, crash, swing, bang, ping.
I thought you spoke to the newsagents.
- I did.
- And did it make a difference? Well, we'll see, won't we? You mean he hasn't been yet? - He'll be here any minute.
- So how come you're awake? I set the alarm.
You set the alarmto wake you up to see if the paperboy was noisy enough to wake you? Yeah, I did.
I wanted to sort this out.
You're insane.
- Go back to sleep.
- No! And you stay awake as well, I want a witness.
- No.
- He'll be here any minute.
Get off me.
One thing I'll say for him - he's very punctual for a man with a brain the size of a walnut.
- Wayne his name is.
- Oh! Wayne.
''Wayne''.
The tea's the perfect temperature.
Rick, I'm really tired.
- Please be quiet - Shh, shh, shh.
Wait, here he comes.
Listen, it's like a freight train coming down the road.
- Listen, this is the bit I can't stand.
- (Gate clangs ) - (Rattling) - Oh! That particularly gets me.
If he could just hold the letter box so it shut gently I could live with the squeaky trolley and crashing through the gate.
Actually, not the gate, cos he's damaging that Oh, bloody hell! I don't know why I even bother trying to sleep with you next to me.
(Sighs ) See, we now have teaspoons.
Yippee.
Sorry if I woke you.
I could buy you breakfast.
(Mel) Thanks, Michael.
Have you been busy? Oh, good days and bad days.
Yesterday was a bad day.
- He's in a funny mood.
- When isn't he? So how are you getting on with Handyman Harrison? I'm taking him to Heart FM for a pre-record with Jamie Theakston - then on to a book signing at Waterstones.
- A book signing.
I meanhow does he sign his autograph? Does he put, ''Best wishes, Handyman Harrison''? I mean, he must have a real name, unless his parents had incredible foresight.
- His real name's Colin.
- Colin? That's nice.
He asks how people want it signed so they're not disappointed.
That can wait till they read the book.
It's actually a good book.
I'll get you a copy.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- He's definitely a bit off.
- He's always like that.
Sorry about the plastic stirrer - sudden shortage of teaspoons today.
Oh, don't worry.
Yeah, something as small as a teaspoon can just get folded into a newspaper or drop into a pocket and then people get home and realise.
- Sounds feasible.
- Mm.
I'm sure whoever it was will realise their mistake and return them next time and we can have a good laugh about it.
If you're not using that, can I? Did you steal some of Michael's teaspoons? - It wasn't like that.
- That's what it looked like.
- I was just borrowing some.
- So you asked him first? No, we have an arrangement.
It didn't sound like that to me.
Well, maybe I-I accidentally ended up taking them.
So you're gonna take them back and apologise to him? No, I'll explain there's been a mix-up and I somehow ended up taking them home in my pocket.
Didn't you jingle? No, cos I had a hanky.
That would've muffled them.
- Look, I'm sorry, OK? - Don't apologise to me, say it to Michael.
- I was only borrowing them.
- You'd say that in court? He won't go to court.
You'd have to be deranged to take it that far.
- I'll take them back this afternoon.
- Good.
And make sure he knows, don't just sneak them in.
I'm thinking about redecorating that wall a different colour.
Yeah, we're lucky here because the sun goes from that side all the way over there.
- Just hope it stays that way.
- A good garden.
Today's is very difficult.
- Yeah.
- No? All right, I thought I'd ask.
OK.
Sorry.
OK, this is ''man eating jam with wasp on''.
(Rick sighs ) (Man on TV) OhI - Anything? - No.
Move on.
Er, ''child falls off swing''.
- (Boy ) OwI - Oh, hilarious.
''Gymnast on collapsing asymmetric bars.
'' Here we go.
(Clank, people shouting) A lot of these speak for themselves.
I agree.
We'd be making it less funny.
No point writing a joke about a joke.
A gymnast breaking both arms, we can't make that any funnier.
You're right.
It's witty.
Our work here is done.
(Silent beneath soundtrack music) - All right.
- It won't take long.
- Hi.
- Hello.
How can I help you? I was in yesterday.
Uh Oh, must've been the other guy who was on.
(Laughs ) I remember.
Toaster.
- Well, is it fixed? - Got it right here.
What did I tell you? Great.
Not really! I opened it up but there's not a lot I can do - it's the circuit board.
- Oh, there you go.
- Did you say you have got the guarantee? No, no guarantee.
No receipt.
I told you that.
- No box.
- Right.
- No CCTV footage of me buying it.
- Right.
It could be repaired but it'd be cheaper to get a new one.
Yeah, I think it's best here to cut your losses and move on to a new toaster.
I've got a new one out back.
It's really good.
I'll get it.
- That would be great! - No, it wouldn't.
- I can get it on the internet for half the price.
- That's nice.
- Shops like this depend on local support.
- Rubbish.
If you get it on the internet they won't fix it here.
- He couldn't fix the one I did buy here.
- This place will turn into a charity shop.
There you go, a professional toaster, top of the range.
Four slices, muffin rack and two-year guarantee.
- I think Mel would really like this.
- You won't get a better one elsewhere.
- (Marty ) Toasting on a whole new level.
- I don't want it, all right! 150 bloody quid for a toaster.
- Why are you keeping the old one? - Spares.
I didn't want him selling it.
- You think he actually does that? - People like that always have a scam.
If he could fix it, he would, and charge you.
- So naive.
- You're right.
Better to clutter your home with old appliances.
Where you going? There's something I need to do.
Michael, ha I just popped in to say that, um when I got back, I-I don't know how but when I got in the other day, um somehowI think by accident I must have, um ahem, I must have Well, I, um I foundI found these.
Ha.
They were at home.
(Chuckles ) They were, um, yeah, they were in my house.
First thing I wanted to do is, er, put that right, so, er Got those These Um And, um So there you are.
I see.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate you doing that.
Betrayal of trust is something I find very difficult to countenance.
- Sure.
- Sure.
You're a valued customer.
Indeed, friend, I like to think.
- Me too, yeah.
- I didn't want to take it any further.
Go down that route of court orders and so on.
- Christ, no.
- But you've rectified the matter and we shall speak no more about it.
Maybe we can get this one fixed someplace else? I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain (Imitates rifle shot)
We're nutters in the frozen goods industry.
- Work hard, play hard, that's very much us.
- Right.
- We know how to enjoy ourselves.
- Oh, right.
- There are some real characters out there.
- Right.
I'll send you through to the holding area where you can stand by.
- Holding area? - Oh, what do you call it? Greenroom.
Sorry, frozen goods term.
- I think I prefer it.
- After you.
Everybody, this is Rick, he's your compere.
- Rick, this is Voulez-Voulez-Vous.
- Hiya.
You're gonna be introducing them.
Um, help yourself to coffee, please.
We're looking at going on in ten so, um, make yourself at home.
- OK.
- Oh.
Just one more thing.
I don't know if it was mentioned to you but our MD is in the audience.
He's originally from Pakistan, so if you could avoid any racialist jibes.
- I never - I'm fine with whatever, but it might be best.
Any other occasion, fine, but, you know.
Anyway, apart from that, it's all yours.
OK.
Um, are you fine? Fine? Excellent.
- So do you do a lot of racist material?.
- Of course I bloody don't.
Cool.
So do you do a lot of Abba material?.
Yeah.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane (Rattling outside ) (Gate squeaks ) (Gate clangs against wall) Bastard.
(Cutlery jangling) (Loud jangling) Ohh.
- (Sighs ) Some tea.
- Mm.
(Sighs ) What time is it? Quarter past six.
- Oh - I thought you'd like a cup of tea.
What I'd like is another hour's sleep.
Tell me about it.
I'm not like you, I can't sleep through that kind of thing.
- Mel?.
- Mm.
Mel.
I'm just saying, I can't sleep through that kind of thing.
You know the dishwasher wasn't turned on last night? No teaspoons anywhere in this house.
Apart from that, happy, are you? It's unbelievable - no teaspoons anywhere in this house.
I cannot find a single teaspoon.
The entire kitchen just grinds to a halt.
- Use a big one.
- Oh! But where are they? Where have they all gone? - Perhaps we'll never know.
- It's always teaspoons.
You never get a sudden shortage offorks or - Buy some more.
- No, because you know what'll happen.
I'll buy some new ones and the old ones will reappear and we'll have a glut of the things.
Fine, so wait until the old ones magically reappear.
- That's odd, the toaster's not working.
- What do you mean? - Well, look.
- It can't be broken, it's not that old.
- At least three years.
It's probably the fuse.
- No, it's never the fuse.
They just tell you that to raise your hopes.
Don't waste your time.
All I want is a teaspoon.
Magda really might have just switched on the dishwasher last night.
- How's it going? - Good, thanks.
Do you think this happens in intensive care? Granny lying there, ''I'm so sorry, she's passed away.
''Hang on, it might be the fuse! ''No, she has died, sorry.
'' Here we go.
Any minute now.
- Ready? - Yeah.
It's not the fuse.
Was it me or you said it wouldn't be the fuse? - Hi, Magda.
- Hello.
- Toaster is broken? - Yeah.
It's not the fuse, is it? - What is fuse? - A little safety thing inside the plug.
In my country we don't have fuse.
I find that surprising for a country that runs agricultural machinery off the light sockets.
Magda, was there any reason why the dishwasher wasn't switched on? - Of course.
Was not full.
- It is full.
Come on, it is full.
- There's room for more plates.
- It doesn't have to be stuffed full to work.
- It's not easyJet.
- It's expensive to have on all the time.
I'm not saying put it on all the time.
The point is the washing-up gets done when it suits you.
- I'll leave you to it.
- What have you got today? - Handyman Harrison's book launch.
- Handyman's written another book? - Take the toaster, see if he can fix that.
- Buy a new one.
That's your answer to everything, isn't it? - If it's broken, yeah.
- Just buy a new one.
(Door shuts ) I don't know, Magda, you know? (Sighs ) It's just me and Handyman Harrison who knows how to fix things around here.
No one ever empties the crumb tray.
It's just Eurgh.
(Spits ) Why don't you take back to shop? No, no.
No, I'll justI'll just I'll just have to mend it myself.
(Sighs ) As usual.
You, er, checked the fuse? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- It wasn't that? - No.
It's only a few months old.
I bought it here.
- Oh, right.
You got the guarantee? - No.
- Got the receipt? - No, I haven't, but I am a regular customer.
- Did you keep the box? - Why would I keep the box? So I can put it away again after breakfast? - Well, I'm gonna have to charge you.
- Oh, come on, it's faulty.
- I use this shop all the time - I haven't seen you.
- I'm in here all the time.
- So am I.
I haven't seen you.
- It was probably the other bloke.
- What other bloke? It's just me, I'm the only one who works here.
- Maybe your hair was different.
- I'd still have seen you.
Whatever.
The point is, I did buy this here and now it won't work.
OK, if I can't fix it I won't charge you.
- Come back tomorrow.
- Thank you.
And I'll keep the same hairstyle so you recognise me.
Hey, I thought you wanted to make an early start? - I had something to sort out.
- I missed breakfast to get here early.
There's no you, no toaster and I haven't eaten.
I can't work like this.
- Have some cereal.
- I can't eat that muesli you buy, it'sgrey.
- It's good for you.
- Dust with bits in it.
It should come in an urn.
I'll buy you some Coco Pops.
Have some fruit.
Oh, no, you're American.
What's going on here? - He is sleeping with everybody.
- Is he? Oh, what an arsehole.
- What's with the toaster? - He's having a look at it.
You sure it's not the fuse? Yeah, we're pretty sure it's not the fuse, thanks.
- Hi, Ben.
How's it going? - Yeah, good.
Just took my driving test.
Yeah? Good.
Pass? - Nah, not really.
- ''Not really''? - You failed.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- What did they fail you on? - Justgeneral driving, I think.
- Just general driving.
- I was all right with, er, indicating.
Yeah, they kept asking him about, like, road markings and reversing.
- Yeah, I - (Marty ) That sucks.
Yeah, how fussy.
Take it again, yeah? - No, he doesn't want to, Dad.
- Yeah, I think I'll just knock it on the head.
Just forget it? Yeah.
In my country, if you want driver's licence, you buy.
Over here examiners test you.
Yes, from examiner.
You give vodka, cigarettesbutter, you get licence.
- Butter, you can get a licence? - You bought yours? Oh, no, I don't want to drive in my country.
Very dangerous.
Many accidents.
- Really? Why's that? - Come on, let's get to work.
Let me know what happens.
No teaspoons in this house.
- So, Voulez-Voulez-Vous come on.
- Who? The Abba tribute band.
They're unbelievably bad.
They've changed every song slightly to avoid paying royalties.
They look like Abba? What was Anni-Frid like? Shut up, I'm telling the story.
All these frozen food executives are dancing and singing along but they're singing the proper versions.
So they start booing and BjÃrn starts getting all shirty.
- Did BjÃrn have the beard? - No, the other one - With the Kermit grin? They all divorced.
- Who cares? It's just a tribute band.
- If they're serious they should divorce too.
- I don't even know if they're married.
God, this is a pointless conversation.
- So what happened? - Forget it, it doesn't matter.
- Come on.
- I'll tell you later.
Let's do some work.
OK, what's this DVD you're hosting? Er, it's People Do The Dumbest Things Volume Three.
I did volume two last year.
I want to hear the Abba story later.
I've got 300 links to write between girls throwing up in phone boxes and blokes stapling their eyelids together.
- Maybe watch it? - No.
Trust me, it's hilarious.
(Chuckling) OK.
Intro, same shit, er, Darwin concluded from his research that we all evolved from primates but somebody forgot to tell these guys.
That actually is the same shit.
That is precisely what I said on volume two.
So? What if they say, this is exactly how you introduced the last DVD? Maybe say, people do the dumbest things.
Man slips and gashes head on diving board.
Fat man trapped in storm drain.
Man sits on barbec - You would've let me do that.
- It would make a good link.
- Thanks.
- You're walking, talking Just do it completely straight and in a funny voice.
- How's that for comedy? - You're not - You want to wait out here? - No, I'll come in.
- No, wait here.
- I'll come in.
I can sort it out on my own.
I don't need you to come in.
I want to support you.
Hi.
- Er, II get my papers delivered from here.
- What's the address? - 12 Holland Road.
- How long for? - What? - How long you away? What are you cancelling? - I don't - What do you want instead, then? - No, I - Don't want a different one? Can I tell you instead of you guessing? It'll be quicker.
- The paperboy who, er - Yeah, Wayne, is it? - Yeah, Wayne.
- You know him, do you? No, I don't know him, you just said his name and I repeated it, that doesn't - Has he got you the wrong paper? - No, I was going to tell you, remember? What it was? - Um, sorry, the guy who comes in, Wayne.
- Wayne, yeah.
You know him? - No, I just said I don't.
- You said you did.
No, I didn't, you said his name and I said Wayne again.
I misunderstood you completely.
- I'm just repeating the name you said.
- But you like the name.
- I don't know him.
- Right.
But he is noisy in the morning.
Could you have a word because With his trolley, you know? Can he oil it? The wheels? He comes crashing through the gate.
You know? - You could have a word - He's The thing with Wayne, well, you'll know this from knowing him, he's hard to get through to cos he's not bright.
Well, that's OK, you don't have to be bright to be quiet.
- Well - You know, you can a lot ofa lot of quite thick people are really very quiet.
Maybe put that to him.
No, I will say something, but I'm just saying I can't promise it'll do any good.
- You know? But I willI will try.
- OK, OK.
- All right.
- Ahh, isn't that lovely? Look.
- Yes, a nice wedding dress.
- Yeah.
- You married? - No, I've got a partner.
Oh.
Oh, no, not that kind of No, my partner isn't It's all right, there's a lot of them about.
No, I'm not one of them that there are a lot of about.
My partner's a woman and, er we could be married if we needed to be.
- Why aren't you, then? - Or wanted to be.
Well Are you still married to someone else? No, there's none of that going on, no.
We probably will get married at some point.
- I think you should.
- (Sighs ) Do you? A lot of people don't make that commitment nowadays.
We're committed Could you have a word? - If you're not married you're not committed.
- (Sighs ) I'm really committed to my partner, Mel, and we're not married.
- That's a man's name.
- It could be a man's name but she is a I'll bring her in and introduce you, OK? No, you're all right, I'm quite busy in here anyway so Anyway, could you have a word? So what if they do sack him, he's a moron who wakes the whole street.
You're gonna get him fired cos he woke you up? Michael, you be the judge.
My paperboy wakes me up every morning because he's so noisy.
What would you do? And you can tell him to be quiet because he'll forget because he's He's what? - You know, he's - No.
- The point is he makes a lot of noise.
- Does he? Um, well, it wouldn't bother me.
- I'm with you, Michael.
- I'm up by then.
I have trouble sleeping.
(Sighs ) But if you were asleep and your paperboy woke you, what would you do? - Well, I'd probably have to shoot him.
- (All laugh) (Imitates cocking gun ) (Imitates rifle shot) (Imitates rifle shot) - Can I recommend the pasta? - Please, yeah.
Two pastas? - MrBlue Sky.
- That was unpleasant.
- I didn't think we'd get out of that mime alive.
- Adjusting the sights OK, People Do The Dumbest Things.
How about this - bride falls into paddling pool.
- Who has a paddling pool at a wedding? - To make £200 on a funny video? - You think that one wasn't real?.
- No, I don't think so.
''All right, love, we'll leave the kids to do the dangerous stuff.
'' ''That's right, Jimmy, step on that plank, it won't break.
'' - What are you doing? - Taking a couple of spoons.
- Why? - Because I need them at home.
- You're gonna steal his teaspoons? - I'll bring them back when mine turn up.
- What if yours don't turn up? - He'll have to wait a bit longer.
- It's stealing.
- It's not stealing.
- Teaspoons don't count.
- Take the nice silver ones from a shop.
Shops are different.
Places like this reckon on losing spoons, it's in the business plan.
- Thank you very much.
- Careful, those are quite hot.
- Can we have some Parmesan, please? - Certainly.
Oh, and could we have some teaspoons to go with the? The coffee came without, you see, so um - Your coffee came without teaspoons? - Yeah.
Didn't it, Marty? - II didn't notice.
- Oh.
I did.
- Right, I'll, er, get you a couple of teaspoons.
- Thank you.
And Parmesan.
Yes, yes, you said that.
Now he's suspicious.
You drew attention to the spoons.
You're wrong, it's a confidence trick.
Why would I point out something missing if I'd stolen it? It's a smokescreen, reverse psychology.
Thank you very much, that's great.
Uh-huh.
(Michael) Couple of teaspoons there.
Maybe a teaspoon for the Parmesan? - Perhaps use that one? - Well, it's I might have sugar in my coffee, you see, andand I might goand then into there It'sit's gonna taste all Parmesany.
- OK.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You are dicing with death.
That guy's got an imaginary gun and he's not afraid to use it.
I haven't finished yet.
Now, if the waitress clears our stuff I can have these ones as well, because she doesn't know we've got teaspoons.
- You're sick.
- (Giggles ) (Sighs ) I can't believe that paperboy.
It's like a dawn raid.
Trundle, trundle, crash, swing, bang, ping.
I thought you spoke to the newsagents.
- I did.
- And did it make a difference? Well, we'll see, won't we? You mean he hasn't been yet? - He'll be here any minute.
- So how come you're awake? I set the alarm.
You set the alarmto wake you up to see if the paperboy was noisy enough to wake you? Yeah, I did.
I wanted to sort this out.
You're insane.
- Go back to sleep.
- No! And you stay awake as well, I want a witness.
- No.
- He'll be here any minute.
Get off me.
One thing I'll say for him - he's very punctual for a man with a brain the size of a walnut.
- Wayne his name is.
- Oh! Wayne.
''Wayne''.
The tea's the perfect temperature.
Rick, I'm really tired.
- Please be quiet - Shh, shh, shh.
Wait, here he comes.
Listen, it's like a freight train coming down the road.
- Listen, this is the bit I can't stand.
- (Gate clangs ) - (Rattling) - Oh! That particularly gets me.
If he could just hold the letter box so it shut gently I could live with the squeaky trolley and crashing through the gate.
Actually, not the gate, cos he's damaging that Oh, bloody hell! I don't know why I even bother trying to sleep with you next to me.
(Sighs ) See, we now have teaspoons.
Yippee.
Sorry if I woke you.
I could buy you breakfast.
(Mel) Thanks, Michael.
Have you been busy? Oh, good days and bad days.
Yesterday was a bad day.
- He's in a funny mood.
- When isn't he? So how are you getting on with Handyman Harrison? I'm taking him to Heart FM for a pre-record with Jamie Theakston - then on to a book signing at Waterstones.
- A book signing.
I meanhow does he sign his autograph? Does he put, ''Best wishes, Handyman Harrison''? I mean, he must have a real name, unless his parents had incredible foresight.
- His real name's Colin.
- Colin? That's nice.
He asks how people want it signed so they're not disappointed.
That can wait till they read the book.
It's actually a good book.
I'll get you a copy.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- He's definitely a bit off.
- He's always like that.
Sorry about the plastic stirrer - sudden shortage of teaspoons today.
Oh, don't worry.
Yeah, something as small as a teaspoon can just get folded into a newspaper or drop into a pocket and then people get home and realise.
- Sounds feasible.
- Mm.
I'm sure whoever it was will realise their mistake and return them next time and we can have a good laugh about it.
If you're not using that, can I? Did you steal some of Michael's teaspoons? - It wasn't like that.
- That's what it looked like.
- I was just borrowing some.
- So you asked him first? No, we have an arrangement.
It didn't sound like that to me.
Well, maybe I-I accidentally ended up taking them.
So you're gonna take them back and apologise to him? No, I'll explain there's been a mix-up and I somehow ended up taking them home in my pocket.
Didn't you jingle? No, cos I had a hanky.
That would've muffled them.
- Look, I'm sorry, OK? - Don't apologise to me, say it to Michael.
- I was only borrowing them.
- You'd say that in court? He won't go to court.
You'd have to be deranged to take it that far.
- I'll take them back this afternoon.
- Good.
And make sure he knows, don't just sneak them in.
I'm thinking about redecorating that wall a different colour.
Yeah, we're lucky here because the sun goes from that side all the way over there.
- Just hope it stays that way.
- A good garden.
Today's is very difficult.
- Yeah.
- No? All right, I thought I'd ask.
OK.
Sorry.
OK, this is ''man eating jam with wasp on''.
(Rick sighs ) (Man on TV) OhI - Anything? - No.
Move on.
Er, ''child falls off swing''.
- (Boy ) OwI - Oh, hilarious.
''Gymnast on collapsing asymmetric bars.
'' Here we go.
(Clank, people shouting) A lot of these speak for themselves.
I agree.
We'd be making it less funny.
No point writing a joke about a joke.
A gymnast breaking both arms, we can't make that any funnier.
You're right.
It's witty.
Our work here is done.
(Silent beneath soundtrack music) - All right.
- It won't take long.
- Hi.
- Hello.
How can I help you? I was in yesterday.
Uh Oh, must've been the other guy who was on.
(Laughs ) I remember.
Toaster.
- Well, is it fixed? - Got it right here.
What did I tell you? Great.
Not really! I opened it up but there's not a lot I can do - it's the circuit board.
- Oh, there you go.
- Did you say you have got the guarantee? No, no guarantee.
No receipt.
I told you that.
- No box.
- Right.
- No CCTV footage of me buying it.
- Right.
It could be repaired but it'd be cheaper to get a new one.
Yeah, I think it's best here to cut your losses and move on to a new toaster.
I've got a new one out back.
It's really good.
I'll get it.
- That would be great! - No, it wouldn't.
- I can get it on the internet for half the price.
- That's nice.
- Shops like this depend on local support.
- Rubbish.
If you get it on the internet they won't fix it here.
- He couldn't fix the one I did buy here.
- This place will turn into a charity shop.
There you go, a professional toaster, top of the range.
Four slices, muffin rack and two-year guarantee.
- I think Mel would really like this.
- You won't get a better one elsewhere.
- (Marty ) Toasting on a whole new level.
- I don't want it, all right! 150 bloody quid for a toaster.
- Why are you keeping the old one? - Spares.
I didn't want him selling it.
- You think he actually does that? - People like that always have a scam.
If he could fix it, he would, and charge you.
- So naive.
- You're right.
Better to clutter your home with old appliances.
Where you going? There's something I need to do.
Michael, ha I just popped in to say that, um when I got back, I-I don't know how but when I got in the other day, um somehowI think by accident I must have, um ahem, I must have Well, I, um I foundI found these.
Ha.
They were at home.
(Chuckles ) They were, um, yeah, they were in my house.
First thing I wanted to do is, er, put that right, so, er Got those These Um And, um So there you are.
I see.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate you doing that.
Betrayal of trust is something I find very difficult to countenance.
- Sure.
- Sure.
You're a valued customer.
Indeed, friend, I like to think.
- Me too, yeah.
- I didn't want to take it any further.
Go down that route of court orders and so on.
- Christ, no.
- But you've rectified the matter and we shall speak no more about it.
Maybe we can get this one fixed someplace else? I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain (Imitates rifle shot)