Life & Beth (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Beth.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Dr.
B.
- Hi.
I see you have been having some abdominal pains.
Yeah, it's weirdly not hurting right now, but it was it's been right here.
- DR.
B: Hmm.
- Pretty bad.
DR.
B: I'd like to ask you some basic lifestyle questions.
What would a typical breakfast be for you? BETH: Um.
I don't usually have breakfast.
I just have you know, I'll have, like, a bite of pasta on the way out the door 'cause I'm always in a rush, but then at noon I'll have, like, a bagel or, you know, a pizza bagel like some or pasta.
And then at at, uh, 6:00 is is, you know, I would typically have, you know, leftovers, pasta or something.
That's dinner? Uh, no, that's pre-dinner.
At 10:00 p.
m.
, around 10:00, I'll have, like, you know, salmon and a vegetable and then some pasta.
- Drinks? - No, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
- That's funny.
- Yeah, no.
I have to plan a whole funeral today.
Um.
Uh.
How many drinks I have a day? - Yeah.
- Four.
Probably four at night.
DR.
B: Mm-hmm.
And then a glass or two with lunch for work.
So how long have you drank like that? Four to six drinks a day? Um 20 20 25 years.
DR.
B: Sneaks up on you.
- Yeah.
- DR.
B: Do you chew? BETH: What do you mean? Oh, how how long do you chew your food? Yeah, can we get to my stomach because I really think there must be some blockage or something.
You mentioned something about funeral arrangements.
My mom just died.
DR.
B: Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.
You know, sometimes our mental pain manifests in our bodies.
Right.
Yeah.
That doesn't make any sense in this case, though, 'cause I'm actually not in any sort of mental pain.
- Ow.
- Oh, sorry.
Tender? Yes.
No, it's fine.
I I I have a bad back.
That's not new.
- DR.
B: Okay.
- Yeah.
So Beth, I'd recommend you chew more and drink less.
- I chew.
- Bless you.
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING.]
[FRANK SINATRA'S "I WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR".]
[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC.]
FRANK: When I was 17 It was a very good year YOUNG LEONARD: You know the people that you work for are assholes.
It was a very good year For small town girls And soft summer nights Go take it.
Go ahead and take it.
Proud of yourself? It's a piece of shit anyway.
Good luck in life.
You have no skillset.
Fucking goons.
Jake, what's the problem? Go to work, Jake.
Oh, right, you don't have a job.
Motherfucking losers.
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Tickets, please.
All tickets.
Hey, what's up? Beth? Hey.
- It's Grubb.
- BETH: No, I know.
Uh, this is my par my boyfriend, Matt.
Grubb, we went to high school together and and middle school, I think.
Glory days, right? What's up, man? Round trip from the city.
I always knew you'd do something big.
Oh.
Yeah, well, we work at the one of the top wine companies in the country, so.
In the county.
I bet you get loads of free wine.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Excuse me.
I gotta take this.
Conference calls.
You get it, right? No.
No, I don't.
Good to see you.
GRUBB: Well, when I tell my wife, she is gonna shit.
You remember Maggie O'Dannihan, right? Yeah, Maggie O'Dannihan.
She hung with Denise Flarrety, Erin Finnegan, and the McGuinness girls.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Maggie and I had five.
We had sets of twins.
Then we had Irish twins.
Then we had a little little tender moment show up.
- It was nice.
- Oh.
I tell you, all those girls, Maggie and they all looked up to you.
They thought you were the freaking coolest.
- Wow.
- GRUBB: They did.
Okay.
Sorry, bud.
People liked you in high school? More like middle school, but yeah.
Then she got a little quiet in high school, and then she kind of did her own thing.
You still play volleyball with your girls? - Volleyball.
- I don't play volleyball with my high school team anymore.
You were so good even after that thing that happened on the water or something.
Yeah, my accident.
Yeah.
You were in an accident? Yeah, you know the scar on my leg.
I-I definitely told you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, maybe.
You talk to anybody from home? My girls when, you know it's hard, though.
Everybody's like a family so Yeah, tell me about it.
Well, they're gonna be so pissed that you didn't reach out to them.
- Okay.
- Listen, maybe if you just talk to some of them, you might feel something.
It might help, you know? She hasn't cried yet.
My mom died.
That's what he's talking about.
Ah, I'm so sorry.
I just punched your ticket, otherwise I would have given you a free ride.
It's really fine.
I'm really I'm fine, so.
GRUBB: I can give him a free ride, though.
- MATT: Very cool, man.
- Thank you.
Yeah, it's been it's been really hard.
It doesn't even really feel real.
Dude, take this.
Come on.
- It's serious.
- MATT: Yeah? Take yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, suck that down.
It's a good one.
- It's actually cold.
- Thanks, man.
Thank you.
Well, it's good to see you, huh? Sorry your mom's dead.
Sucks.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
- Thanks.
- GRUBB: All right.
MATT: Thanks, Grubb.
Not bad.
Not bad.
It's the same thing.
I mean, there's, uh, flowers.
You like flowers, right, sweetheart? It's not bad.
YOUNG JANE: Oh, my God.
You know, this is a good thing.
Only losers live in big houses.
Really? YOUNG BETH: Now, come on.
Let's get inside.
YOUNG ANN: Okay.
YOUNG BETH: Thank you.
You okay? [PHONE CHIMES.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
[PENSIVE MUSIC.]
YOUNG LIZ: Don't read it, okay? YOUNG BETH: Uh, okay.
YOUNG LIZ: Promise? YOUNG BETH: Yeah.
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
YOUNG JANE: You wanna try some? - YOUNG BETH: Okay.
- YOUNG JANE: Mm-kay.
All right, come here.
Open your mouth like this.
Ah.
Yeah, a little more.
Good job.
Okay, a little more.
Ah.
Okay, now look.
No, I just fixed it.
I'm so proud of you.
Find anything? Um.
Just just this.
Funeral plans.
That's great.
Yeah.
It's just a Post-it that says "Kiss From A Rose.
" Is that the Seal song? BETH: I don't know.
Does it feel weird splitting a sandwich with my deceased mom? [SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
Liz, um, as my best friend, uh I think he would've wanted you to speak first.
You were one of the greats, and we'll all miss you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Gonzo.
YOUNG LIZ: Bye, Gonzo.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
BETH: Hey.
ANN: Hey.
Are you at Mom's? Yeah.
Um.
Does the name Gonzo ring a bell for you? Um, the Muppet? BETH: The gerbil.
Liz and I had a funeral for him.
I wrote him, like, a full eulogy.
ANN: Uh, no.
Uh-uh.
You ever see Liz around? Uh, just once.
We both committed hard to pretending we didn't see each other.
Sorry I didn't tell you.
No, it's fine.
Um.
Any chance you can come to the funeral home with me? Dude, that's why I'm calling.
I, uh, I so Uh, can't.
Ye that's fine.
It's it's okay 'cause Matt's coming with me, so.
- Um - [PHONE BEEPS.]
Hello? - Looks like King Tut.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
I'm sorry about that.
I'm sure you must be going through just unimaginable grief.
All that we ask is that you allow us to carry you through this, uh it's a very sacred time.
Um, and how much does it cost to be carried through the sacred time? You know, that depends on the level of quality that you feel your mother deserves.
It's a final ceremony of love and gratitude, so.
Yeah, so I-I think, uh, that the second cheapest option is the best way to honor her with love and gratitude.
That's entirely up to you.
Do you ever serve champagne at these things? I I'm not Jewish, so I don't know.
Is the body here? Oh, sorry.
I didn't know you had people.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Yeah, they were early.
Lewis, would you please relieve Monica downstairs? She's with the recently deceased beloved soup in the basement.
I just said did I just say soup? - I'm so so - Yeah.
So I'm trying this intermittent fasting thing, and I'm a little schmitzed.
- What are you doing? - Like a 16/8 split, or ? That is what it's supposed to be.
Do you know what your body fat percentage is? - FUNERAL DIRECTOR: I have no - Is he the embalmer, or ? Oh, uh, Jew bodies aren't embalmed.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Okay.
Thank you, Lewis.
That's all we need for now.
Thank you.
LEWIS: Okay.
Okay.
I want to assure you that your muffins remain oh my God, I did it again.
I'm so sorry.
I'm very hungry.
Your mother will never be alone.
She'll be handled with the utmost care in accordance with Jewish tradition.
Tissue? Yeah, if I need a tissue, I'll just take one.
Can I get one? FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Of course, you can.
[PHONE TIMER RINGS.]
Oh, thank God.
Oh, finally.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Mmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
[SOMBER JAZZ MUSIC.]
[NEWS REPORT PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
Well, this is a little weird.
This is very weird.
I wanted to go back to the city.
I don't want to spend 50 minutes each way out and back plus subways and everything else.
We're here.
That's better.
Do you wanna have sex? Sure.
Oh.
What? No, I just I didn't think you were gonna say yes.
Do you want to? I don't know.
Do you still have your period? No.
I'm not no.
For your day tomorrow, here's how it goes.
You'll start off dry.
You'll stay dry throughout the day.
61 is the morning temperature [SOLEMN WOODWIND MUSIC.]
[MATT SOBBING.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
YOUNG BETH: Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha'olam Asher ba-char banu mi-kol ha'amim V'natan lanu et Torah-to - Uh - Baruch Baruch Atah Adonai Notain ha-Torah RABBI: Ah.
I hope that made you feel a little less heavy in the heart 'cause I know it did me.
Please follow me on Snapchat.
I know right now I'm kind of on thin ice over there, but I think I'm they're gonna activate me again by the end of the week.
So happiness, health, and go in peace.
Well, it's not the coffee company, it's wine.
I don't know what else you want me to say, Lillian.
I loved that.
Are you psyched? Psyched? This is all such a mistake.
Yeah.
Hey, um, do you think Dad's gonna show? BETH: Uh, his phone was disconnected when I tried him, so Where's Maya and everyone? I didn't call them.
ANN: Your only friends? I have other friends.
Brie, Davis.
Matt's friends who don't like you? - [MATT LAUGHS.]
- That's fair.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
[SOMBER JAZZ MUSIC.]
If we hustle, we can catch the 120 Express to Penn.
I feel like a drink.
We have some IPAs in the fridge or maybe I drank them.
Sorry.
I feel like a drink in a bar.
This bar.
I definitely don't want that.
No, the whole point is to get in and get out and not see anybody.
Come on.
You won't.
No way.
I don't know about you, but I'm grieving, and I refuse to do that sober anymore.
So just one drink.
We can catch the next train.
It's no big deal.
Please? Okay, one drink, but if anyone I know is in there, we're leaving.
You got it.
Should we just leave our shit? MATT: I'll be right back.
What's going on? Why is everyone I know here? What's happening? Maya.
Maya, what the fuck is going on? It's a flash mob.
I'm sorry.
No.
Why? Why? No.
MATT: You made it through your 30s [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
That time, it really flew No.
Not my fault we met when you were 32 Now you're mine and that's fine - We'll make love - BETH: Oh, God.
Till the end of time 'cause I make you feel Someone make it stop.
Annie, make it stop.
Annie, I can still see you with your eyes closed.
MATT: Sexy and cool We're getting married ALL: Whoo! Married, married, married, married, married ALL: Whoo! We're getting married 'Cause I feel so good inside Beth, we're finally getting married.
Ring TBD.
What do you say? Are you with me? Yeah.
That felt like a yes! [ALL CHEERING.]
Drink up.
Champagne's on me and my wife.
Yeah, hey, my mom's funeral was today.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Our mom's funeral.
All right, I'm just a little confused about the timing of today.
Why? Yeah, well, that's that's why I did it, you know? So you'd remember this as a good day.
It's kind of like how I take us to Medieval Times on 9/11.
Yeah, Matt always plans the best 9/11s.
Thanks.
Yeah, I just I'm I was I'm I'm confused.
Well, we've been working on it a couple of weeks, and I knew we were gonna be out here, so I just, like, rallied everybody here.
MERI: Oh, my God! We did it.
We did it.
That was just incredible.
MATT: Thank you.
Beth, you must be, like, so thrilled.
- I am so thrilled.
- MERI: Yeah.
Can I play you a song on the jukebox, like, real quick? You can show me how to use it.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, bapa.
Yeah, I heard on the internet that they do this at Jewish funerals instead of leaving flowers on the grave.
That's right.
That's really considerate.
Thanks, Clark.
Actually, I've grown kind of attached to it.
I think I'll just hold onto it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that rabbi did tell me that you didn't cry at the funeral, which is weird.
- MAYA: Oh, God.
- Oh, really? Okay, like, why has he been saying that? Isn't there, like, rabbi confidentiality or something? - No, they're very chatty.
- MAYA: No.
Okay, well, he was, like, promoting his OnlyFan sites.
What is it? 'Cause he fine.
- JEN: The rabbi? - Not really.
MAYA: Yes, really! Something's wrong with you.
Does anyone have any Advil? No, what's wrong? What hurts? Just my vagina 'cause your dad was, like, - pounding it so hard last night.
- Come on.
You walked right into that.
- Every time I walk into that.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just love fucking your dad.
No, I am Fine, I'll take it as a compliment, I don't care.
No, my back, my head, my stomach, everything.
- MAYA: Oh.
- I'm it's not good.
- You sound achy.
- Yeah.
I got some weed that I got from Charles's room.
Yeah, it's in my car.
You want me to go get it? Isn't Charles, like, ten? - No, he's 13.
- I'm sorry.
'Cause you're his godmother, right? BETH: I'm s I'm sorry.
Did we smoke pot when we were 13? - Isn't that, like, young? - MAYA: Yes.
You know, we should have Liz check everybody's backpacks during gym.
Jen.
Um, Liz, Liz or Liz? I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
No, it's fine.
No, it's fine.
You can talk about Liz.
I'm not I-I didn't know she was teaching again.
Yeah, the boys had her last year, I'm sorry.
MATT: Hey.
Hey-hey.
ALL: Hi.
BETH: Hey.
I think you should say something about your mother and our engagement.
Really? MATT: Just thank people for coming.
Yeah, I need I need, like, some Advil or something.
Do you wanna would you go grab some for me? - Oh, real quick? - Yeah.
Do you have like 47 bucks? - You want $47? - MATT: Yeah.
Okay.
You thought I was being real shady on my phone, right? Like I was cheating on you or something.
- Oh, my God.
- I did notice the groupie.
No.
He wouldn't do that.
Okay.
Uh, I'm gonna real quick get some Advil.
[SOMBER JAZZ MUSIC.]
LAVAR: What's your date of birth? Mr.
DOUYON: Ninth month, day 640.
You mean September 6, 1940? No, son.
The name's Douyon.
Richard Douyon.
Okay, give me ten minutes, Mr.
Douyon.
Why you gotta say the date of birth backwards? - Damn.
- Just this.
Lavar? Beth? Oh, shit.
BETH: Oh, my God.
I thought you were in Atlanta.
Yeah, well, I was there, but you know, back here now, but what's new with you? Oh, I think I might've actually just gotten engaged.
Wow.
Who is marrying Bethany Jones? - BETH: Oh.
- Let me guess.
A civil rights attorney? Pediatrician? No, he's none of those things.
He's nothing.
He no, I mean, he's you know, he's a good guy.
He's everybody likes him.
It's he's it's good.
Wow, that sounds good, man.
- BETH: Yeah.
- Amazing.
BETH: How's your family? MR.
DOUYON: Tenth month forty.
Mr.
Douyon, please have a seat.
It's been 30 minutes.
LAVAR: It's been two.
It's been two.
LAVAR: It's just two minutes, okay? Just please.
Sorry.
My mom died.
Shit, man.
I'm I'm sorry to hear that, Beth.
I just wanted to tell you that, um, it's so good to see an old friend.
I probably don't seem that upset.
I don't seem upset enough.
Everybody really seems to be really disappointed about that.
Well, you know what? Fuck everybody.
You know, they should mind their own damn business.
Yeah, all right.
Douyon, please have a seat.
Brother, I'm gonna take care of you.
All right.
Good to see you, Lavar.
Uh, Beth? Yeah.
You need to pay for the Advil.
Shit.
I'm sorry.
[SOMBER WOODWIND MUSIC.]
Hey.
Where the hell have you been? I was getting Advil.
You ready to say something? No.
People need to hear from you.
You're gonna regret this.
It's your mother.
Okay, let's just go.
The rabbi is gonna call you up.
No.
No.
[APPLAUSE.]
RABBI: In honor, of course, of the deceased, I've decided to stream this on Facebook Live, and you can download it for the next 24 hours, so please check it out.
And, um, now I think, uh, Beth would like to say a few words.
So how about a hand for Beth, please? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Beth.
No.
RABBI: Uh here we go.
Sorry, uh, Beth Can't begin to describe what a loss this is and how happy she is about our engagement.
You know, Jane, um, once thanked me for being with Beth.
She said, "Thank you for being with Beth.
" I'm leaving Matt.
She knew that I would be with her and watch over her forever.
I know.
MATT: As her husband, as her best friend ANN: It's we're grieving.
Our mom died.
BETH: We're under duress.
[ALABAMA SHAKES' "ALWAYS ALL RIGHT".]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
So waiting over there? SINGER: Well, you come upstairs but not to talk You stay a little while then you do a little walk On home I hear you downstairs smoking cigarettes I hear you talking shit 'Cause you ain't got nothing to talk about at all Fuck you.
That you wanna feel good and you feel like You're gonna explode Well, I don't care, can't pay attention And I don't give a damn about your intentions at all Ooh, ooh! Well, pass me the whiskey, pass me the gin Pass me whatever there's drink left in Well, I don't care if it's 7:00 in the morning For all I care it could be the second coming Well, you say you can't take it anymore You can't live like this It's a really big deal It's so easy!