Life with Boys (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

The bathroom is now open.
May the fullest bladder win.
Come on, guys, cut me a break.
It's picture day, I have to get in there first! Ohh.
Don't care! No-o-o! One bathroom, four kids.
Way to plan ahead, Dad! You weren't all planned.
- Eww! Guys, I just put another load in the dryer, so watch the appliances.
I don't wanna blow another Fuse.
You've got to be kidding me! Thanks a lot.
First you use all the hot water, then one of you freaks uses the last of my lipstick to play tic-tac-toe on the mirror.
Undefeated! Only because I couldn't reach the top row! A win's a win, Spence.
How am I supposed to go to picture day looking like Walter? Oh, come on, honey.
It's not that bad.
You could always do one of those over-the-shoulder poses.
You know, it's quite fetching, showing your good side.
At the end of the day, you're still one of them, aren't you? Okay, you ready? One second.
Okay, the magic happens in three.
Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Psst.
Nine-one-one! I know, I know, I set the bar too high.
Deal with it.
I'm serious, I need your help.
With what? With this! Oh! What happened? My brothers happened.
Okay, you know it's picture day, right? Really? Are you sure it's not "best friends with stupid questions" day? Wow, you're bitter when you're ugly.
Now, come on, let's turn that frown upside down.
And maybe hit it with a little lipstick.
Thank you.
Hey, Larissa, save me a wallet size.
Ooo, Gracie, lookin' good.
Make yours an 8 by 10, glossy! You have so saved my life.
Aw, man! Seriously? Tell me about it.
You're just lucky it didn't get in my hair.
Um, you got a little something on your shirt over there.
I know.
Just shoot it from here up! Next.
No, wait, I wasn't ready.
Can you please take another? No time.
Next! Please! Thank you.
Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life If I ever go into politics, this is so gonna come back to haunt me.
Come on, its not that bad.
Everybody takes a bad picture.
I mean, look up mine! I know.
It's perfect, isn't it? I just wanted to hear someone else say it.
I swear, Your Honour, we were just sitting there talking when she suddenly dove out the window.
She was my best friend! Yeah, that'll work.
Okay, you're right.
Not about me, this is about you.
You're angry.
A-a-and vent.
I just can't take it anymore.
It's bad enough that every meal in this house is like feeding time at the zoo.
Hands off! That's mine! I will not get the runt slice this time! I want everyone to use a nap kin.
And every time I want to watch something halfway intelligent on TV, I have to fight the Three Muske-dorks! No way! I refuse to watch another show with the word "X-treme" in the title! But that picture is the last straw.
Okay, I agree, they're a pain, but the only thing getting angry accomplishes is forehead wrinkles that in a few years become permanent.
Or, in your case, by dinner.
So, what you're saying is, I should just let it go? Exactly.
Well, remember that shirt I borrowed and still haven't given back? Dude! You got it on my homework! Sorry.
Sam, hold up.
What are you doing? That's Allie's shirt! Those animals have to be stopped! Way ahead of you.
I'm calling in the big gun.
Grandma! Oh, my darlings, I've missed you so.
Okay, whoever wants a present, on the couch.
Hey, Allie.
Hi, Grandma Helen.
This is your big gun? Wait for it.
Okay, boys.
Gabe, here you go, dear.
Now, do you remember last time you visited and I was altering my old wedding dress for your cousin Lisa, and you were so sweet to help me hem it.
Look at that.
Very funny.
Where's my real present? Your real present, dear, is me not posting that on my social networking site where all your friends are now my friends.
You friended my friends? Well, they think I'm a hot Honey, in other words, if you don't start treating your sister like a proper gentleman should You wouldn't.
No, no, no, I wouldn't because I'm your loving grandmother.
But Francesca.
Upload, send all.
She's not a nice girl.
Oh, would you boys like to open your gifts now? Are they from Francesca? Mm-hm.
No, thank you.
Dad, a little help here? Have you ever seen that picture of me in my Speedo with flowers painted all over my body? No.
Yeah, and you're never gonna.
Because I do what Grandma says.
Smart boy.
Oh, and I have your room and you're on the couch, right, Jackie? Yes, ma'am.
And the big gun goes boom! Sick! I feel like watching the new Oprah special, where she talks to women about their feelings and what it's like to be a woman, with feelings.
Ahh.
Remote.
Not happenin'! Forget it! Oh, okay.
Oh, Grandma.
Gabe, would you like to add a funny caption to this photo before I send it off? Oh, never mind, it's funny enough.
Give her the remote.
But Give her the remote! Please! Aw, how can I refuse a face like that? Like this! No! All righty, who's hungry? There we go.
I call drumstick! Ahem.
That is, unless you want it, sister dear.
That is so sweet of you to offer, Gabriel.
I would.
But no worries.
After all, there is another.
Which I will also take.
Why? Because I can! Now, Tessie You know, I love my new phone.
I can store everything on there.
From all the way back, Jack.
All the way back.
As I was saying.
Now, Tessie, if you want both those drumsticks, you go right ahead and take them.
But Dad Don't argue with me! Okay, who's next? Tess.
Nice job, boys.
Tomorrow, I'm thinking yellow petals and something from Mozart.
Now, doesn't it feel nice to act like gentlemen? Yes, Grandma.
But that felt better.
I mean, pardon my fart.
I got the bathroom I got the TV I got the drumsticks He-he-he-he Grandma! Hello, dear.
Thank you so much! You're amazing.
You broke them like three pieces of uncooked spaghetti.
Snap! And then boiled them till they were nothing left but limp, soggy noodles in a cold pasta salad of misery.
You're my hero.
Oh, nonsense.
We ladies have to stick together.
Which brings me to you.
A present? Why would you give me a present? Well, dear, its hardly fair to ask your brothers to change their behaviour if you won't change yours.
Where you going with this, Grandma? Well, if you want them to be perfect gentlemen, you need to be a perfect lady.
And this is hardly lady-like.
Whoa, you don't expect me to quit the wrestling team, do you? No, of course not, dear.
I'm very proud of you.
No, you're simply going to have to make a few adjustments.
There's no way I'm wearing this.
Well, dear, you may want to reconsider after opening your gift.
I don't care, Grandma.
There's nothing in here that could be more humiliating than There's actually nothing in here.
That's right.
And that is because I knew some silly, embarrassing pictures wouldn't work on you.
But, I will tell you this, dear, if you don't start acting like a lady, I'm just going to have to tell your brothers that they can start acting like boys.
You wouldn't! Try me.
On the plus side, the shoes and matching helmet are almost cute.
We were going to eat the leftover chicken and watch them try to cut a bus in half with helicopter blades.
Unless you want the chicken.
And you wanna watch some stupid chick show.
I mean, an immensely entertaining and fulfilling show about feelings.
No, but thank you for asking.
Can I please say something about the outfit? No! But Ah! Did you see how broken, miserable and unhappy they were? How can I give that up? But if I don't, I'm gonna have to go to wrestling looking like a Project Runway reject.
Look, I'm sure the guys on the wrestling team wont laugh.
For long.
And its not like you're gonna be walking into class in that outfit.
You're right.
She's probably gonna make me wear something lady-like.
Oh, relax.
It's not like she's going to start dressing you for school now.
Oh, and Tess, get changed.
I thought I would take you shopping for a new school outfit.
And wear comfortable shoes, dear.
It could take a while.
You were saying? Come on, come on, come on! Come on, man! Every time, man.
Grandma's back! Go, go, go, go, go! Another healthy broccoli floret, son? Why, yes.
Thank you, Father.
And may I say, this low-fat dill dip is exceptional.
Oh.
Samuel, so sweet.
Grandmother Helen, what a pleasant surprise.
Why, I was just teaching the boys here how to dine like gentlemen.
Yes, watch our fingers.
Ting.
Ting.
Ting.
Very impressive, boys.
Hey, Grandma, where's Tess? Hey, Grandma, where's Tess? Gabriel, was that a joke? A very bad one.
A very, very bad one.
Tess, where are you going, dear? Uh, I, uh I'm going upstairs to change.
Because I love this outfit so very much.
And would hate to ruin it before I can show it off to the entire school.
Oh, honey, I didn't expect you to wear that outfit to school.
Really? No, no, no.
I bought it so that you would have something nice to wear for when the school photographer gets here.
School photographer? Here? Mm-hm.
I knew you were upset about your school picture, so I called him and he's on his way.
What? Tess, what's the matter, dear? I thought that would make you happy.
Happy? About what, being the first kid ever to take a school picture in a Granny Girdle? Which, by the way, is riding up on me.
Tess No.
I am not gonna wear this stupid outfit and humiliate myself in front of the entire school! Tess, don't you think you're being a little silly? I'll tell you what's silly.
This lady suit is silly! This hair is silly! And these gloves, these gloves make it impossible to text.
Well, fine then.
I'll just tell your brothers that the deal is off.
Go ahead.
I'd rather put up with the TV fights and the food fights and the bathroom fights! Honey, I thought that you were just miserable with your brothers the way they were.
I am.
But I'm more miserable this way! I mean, I am who I am.
And you're my grandma, you're supposed to accept me for who I am! Lady Gaga said that once, and Lady Gaga is always right! But what if I want you to change because I think you should be different? Nobody has the right to tell someone how they should be! Oh, really? And I don't have the right to tell my brothers how they should be.
Yes.
Well, it sure took you long enough.
Oh, great.
This is one of those "Time to teach the youngster an important lesson in a fun and entertaining way" moment, isn't it? Well, I had fun.
I found it hugely entertaining.
You know, you could have just talked to me about it.
Oh, really? Would that have worked? No, but you didn't know that.
And Tessie, I get it, the boys can drive you crazy, but I'm their dad.
I have to feed them, clothe them, let them live here.
I'm not thrilled about it either, but turns out it's the law.
I checked.
The thing is, honey, they're gonna change.
One day.
Hopefully.
Oh, Jack.
Why lie to the child? True.
It's okay, Grandma.
I didn't buy it for a second.
That's my girl.
The bathroom is now Oh.
This should be interesting.
I may have to live with you guys, but I will always be smarter.
Always! Hey, Helen.
Okay, Jackie, I just did you a huge favour.
Try to sound a little happier to hear from me.
Hey, Helen! That's better.
I just wanted to let you know my brother Pete will be in town next week.
Oh, please no.
And he told me he would just love it if he could stay with you.
Come on, Helen.
I've already got four kids and a dog.
I don't need stinky Uncle Pete pepperoni-burping all over my house.
Yeah, I was hoping you wouldn't say that, Jack.
You might want to check your email before you make up your mind.
Oh, no.