Life's Too Short (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
'My name is Warwick Davis.
I'm an actor' Have you heard of a film called Willow? No.
Not many people have, to be honest.
'.
.
An entrepreneur.
' You're hired.
'Soon to be divorced.
' You're supposed to move out.
We're separated.
Not really.
'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.
' How am I supposed to make that much money? 'Today I'm at the biggest science fiction and fantasy convention in the UK.
'It's the fans' best day ever, 'cos they get to meet their heroes, and say thanks for everything.
'It's also a great day for me because, you know, 'I can say thank you for watching.
' My chance to give them something.
That's ã25, please.
There you go.
ã25, please.
Thank you.
Cheryl? Right.
Hello.
Hello.
All right? This is my son Michael.
Hi, Michael.
How's it going? All right? He's got a tumour.
Oh! Sorry to hear that.
He really loves you.
He loves all your films, don't you? Thank you.
He'd really like a picture.
Yeah, sure.
Shall I put Michael on here? Thank you so much.
It's really made his day.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
There we go.
ã25, please.
What? ã25.
You're going to charge us? Yeah.
What, even with his tumour? It's very sad and everything, but the sign does say ã25, you know.
I've got to treat everyone the same, or it's not fair.
Anyone could say they've a tumour.
They wouldn't.
You'd be surprised.
A lot of people would.
Who? Angie Watts did in EastEnders.
You remember? Dirty Den went mental at her.
Rightly so.
OK, but he has got an actual tumour.
So you say.
I don't know.
Well, let's assume that he's got a tumour, because he has.
Yeah.
And if it turns out he hasn't, you can go mental and I'll send you ã25.
How's that? But no less so than when you started.
You came here with a tumour, you're getting more tumours, whereas I'm without the ã25 I'm entitled to.
Look at the sign.
I can't believe that you're being serious.
Once word gets out I'm giving away pictures to people with tumours, everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me! I've got a tumour!" No-one's going to do that! They're more likely to go, "Wow, what a nice guy! "He gives away free pictures to people with tumours.
" Yeah, all right.
So you'll make sure that message gets out then? Right, um Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away a free picture to officially diagnosed tumours.
See, it's what I do.
Nice guy, see? I've got a tumour.
No, you haven't.
No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS.
You haven't got AIDS.
Haven't I? No.
To get AIDS, you have to have had sex at least once.
Good point! Who's it to? My mates call me Morpheus.
Do they? No, I haven't got any mates.
Just put Terry.
ã25.
Thank you very much.
Hiya.
Tumour.
Oh, for f! Hi.
Hi.
We are giant fans, and we're getting married in a few weeks.
It's a Star Wars-themed wedding.
Oh, right.
We're wondering, would you be guest of honour? Er When is it? July the 14th.
This year? Yeah.
Ah Diary is pretty full this year.
Not this year, it's not.
No, there is some stuff in there.
No, the diary's completely empty.
Look.
It's not completely empty.
It is, look.
See, it's completely empty.
Yeah.
Thanks for that, Cheryl! We could pay you, obviously.
I mean, not much.
Maybe ã500? If If I could squeeze you in - and it is an if what would my duties be? I mean, would I best man? No, that's my brother Rob.
Sure he's the right man for the job? Has he had experience of public speaking? He's looking forward to it.
We're best friends.
OK.
Well, shall we just say that, you know, if Rob crashes and burns and the whole evening falls flat, then I'll be straight up there to save the day.
OK.
If that happens, then sure.
Great! And if it does happen, it'll be an extra ã250.
Just so you know.
I've got a great Star Wars anecdote about a certain cast member who asked me to smuggle cocaine for her through LAX Airport cos she said there's not a customs officer in the world who wants to stick their finger up a dwarf's arse.
OK.
Well, let's see how Rob gets on first.
It's your special day.
Hi, excuse me.
Hiya.
Would you mind being interviewed for the local news? Local news? Yeah, sure.
Good.
Great.
How are you? Very well, how are you? Good.
Yes, very good.
I didn't actually know who you were.
Oh.
He recognised you.
Oh, yeah? Said you were famous.
A bit.
Who are you? Warwick Davis.
So just start on me and then go over to the, er OK.
What's your name again? It's Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis? Yeah.
Davis.
Warwick Davis, Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis, I'm here with Warwick Davis.
You were in Star Wars, right? That's right, yeah.
Let's go.
You rolling? Hello, I'm joined with Ah, cut! Sorry.
"Joined with"? What does that mean? It's OK.
It's not OK.
Mistakes like that are why I'm still at this channel.
Been here three years.
Still doing shitty little interviews with nobodies.
Let's go again.
What's your name again? Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis.
Yeah.
I'm with Warwick Davis, Star of the Star Wars films.
That is a cut as well.
It was going well.
It's not going well! Star of the Star Wars films.
Don't patronise me, thank you.
And also don't speak until I've introduced you.
Right? Right.
OK.
Camera's on me, I say your name, then the camera goes on you.
Guess what? That's when you speak.
OK.
Say who you are and why you're here.
Then we're done.
Been up since six for this! OK, we're going here? Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis.
Yeah.
Er, I was in Star Wars - Return of the Jedi, the Harry Potter films, playing Flitwick.
I was also in the Leprechaun films, the first one famously starred a very young Jennifer Anniston.
You were in a film with Jennifer Anniston? Yeah.
My God! Any interesting stories? No, not really.
Fuck's sake! Cut! OK, what are you doing? What? Don't set me up with that then have nothing.
We look like prats.
There's no story.
Clutching at straws here! Well, she's.
.
You say Jennifer Aniston, I'll leap on it.
Don't send me down a cul de sac, right? OK.
Send one more shoddy report this week, I'm out on my ear.
This doesn't get on telly, you don't get on telly.
Brilliant! Do yourself a favour.
Have you got both of us in? Have you just got his head? It's a dwarf, if you just show his head that's the same as on anyone.
Can we put him on the table please, so we can just see Well, I don't think I should.
Get on the table so we can see you're a bloody dwarf! What are you doing? All right, OK, if I just get on the chair is that OK? Get on a chair.
OK.
Right, you see? OK, you ready? OK, let's do it.
I'm here with Warwick Davis, from Star Wars, and others.
Go.
Yeah, um, I was in, er, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Yes.
Played Wicket the Ewok.
Er, I was in the Harry Potter films.
Of course.
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
Yeah.
Time Bandits.
No, I wasn't in that.
Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf! Fucking hell! Cut.
Sorry, my bad! That's my bad, sorry.
Have you got any interesting stories about, um, about Star Wars? Well, yeah, I've got a good story about how my grandmother got me the part.
Shall we do that? OK? Right.
Here we go again.
Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis, Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf.
Go on.
How d'you get that part? I was 11 and my grandmother was listening to the radio Oh, my God, The A-Team van, the A-Team van.
Good, OK.
He's gone to interview what is essentially a second-hand car.
Not a massive earner today.
Made 250 quid, which is why we're going to have a brainstorming session.
Do you know what that is? It just Throw out any money-making ideas you've got, right? Brain storming, OK.
I'll make some notes.
We'll start with number one, OK? In your own time.
The company is called Dwarves For Hire.
Is that right? Yes, it is, yeah, yeah.
Why do you have to only do acting? Could you do other stuff? Such as? Chimney sweep.
Chimney sweep? Why am I suddenly doing that? Well, it used to be children, didn't it? 100 years ago, yeah.
But it's cruel to send children up there nowadays, so So it's not cruel to send a dwarf up there? No, because you're an adult, aren't you? Oh, are you not? Oh, I thought you're an adult.
Yeah, of course I'm an adult, but I'm also a businessman and I've been in loads of big films.
Why am I suddenly running up chimneys? You wouldn't have to run up there, I could help you up.
Right so, so your business idea is you shoving me up a chimney? Well, you wouldn't actually necessarily have to go up there at all.
When my gran used to have her chimney cleaned, the bloke would come round, cover everything up with sheets then stick a long brush up there.
You could do that.
Right, so now I'm not even taking advantage of my size.
I'm just a chimney sweep? Or I could be at the bottom, and you could be at the end of the pole cleaning the top of the chimney, doing a great job, and people would come round and go, "Wow, that is the cleanest chimney ever! "How did you do that?" "I had a dwarf on a pole.
" "Which one?" "Warwick Davis.
" "Who's Warwick Davis?" "He's an actor.
" "What's he been in?" "Films.
" "Which ones?" "I can't remember.
"These ones.
" Right.
That idea's safe.
Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole".
Good, um, moving on to number two.
You could do other stuff that's too dangerous for children.
Like what? You could be used as bait to catch a paedophile.
Go on.
How would this work? You in a little dress, with bunches in your hair, just playing in the woods waiting for paedophiles to come up to you, and molest you.
Why am I dressed as a little girl? Why can't I be a boy? I don't think there's any gay paedophiles.
There's loads of gay paedophiles.
Also, they won't have done anything wrong because if a paedophile comes up to me and offers me some sweets, all he's done is give a dwarf some sweets.
That's not illegal.
What happens if a real kid comes over and wants to play? I'm a grown man dressed as a little girl playing with a kid in the woods.
Straight to prison.
Next.
You could hide in places too small for other people to hide in.
I don't even know what job that is.
Forget it.
It's just, it's not working.
Just There's nothing come in, no job offers at all? No, nothing really.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, Johnny Depp's agent called.
What? Give it You didn't want to mention this? 'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin.
'Tim is directing, obviously, it is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter.
'Johnny will be playing Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf from the classic fairy tale.
' OK.
'But you may know Johnny's a real method actor, 'he spends a lot of time researching his roles 'and he wants to meet and understand what it's like to be a little person.
' Fantastic.
He's made the right decision.
I totally understand what it's like to be a little person.
'Great! Obviously Johnny will pay you for your time.
'We thought a week's work, Monday to Friday, ã1,000 a day.
ã5,000? 'Yeah.
Is that OK?' Yeah, that's good, yeah.
'Are you free from Monday next week?' Er, let's just, er, just check the old diary.
Er, it's pretty chocca so, er, you know, we'll have to shift a few things around.
You've got nothing but a back wax.
Yeah.
No, I'm all set.
Great.
'Great.
Johnny will see you at the Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.
' OK, see you then.
Bye.
'Bye.
' Oh! Oh, I can't believe you're meeting Johnny Depp.
He is my favourite film star.
He's one of the handsomest men on earth, and he's intelligent, and brilliant at acting, and rich.
Probably wouldn't go out with me, though, would he? Probably not.
Course, he's married, isn't he? He is sadly, otherwise you'd be straight in there.
Not bad, is it? Being a muse to one of the biggest movie stars of all time.
I'm not going to tell him how to say his lines, no.
I'm not going to tell him how to play a dwarf.
I'm going to tell him how to be a dwarf, how to think like a dwarf, how to feel like a dwarf.
Then they'll use special effects to make him small like a dwarf.
Team effort.
Hello.
Oh, ho-ho, wow! That's perfect.
OK.
It's perfect.
Yeah you just, just move All right? Just go and do whatever you would normally do.
Crazy little walk.
Where do you sit? On like a chair, sofa? Or like, er, on the floor, cross-legged? Can you actually, can you do cross-legged? Not really, I just normally sit in a chair.
Really? Yeah.
Shall we, shall I sit down? Yeah, yeah, please, please.
Wow! He hopped on the chair.
It's, it's great.
Cool.
He's kind of like a grub coming out of an apple, seeing the world for the first time.
All right.
So may I ask you a question? Mm-hm.
If you were struck by lightning, bolt of lightning, bam! Right? Yeah.
What do you do? Dead! Maybe not.
OK.
Can I just see you out of that chair, on that floor? Standing here like this? Yeah.
Just you and me.
Yeah.
We're standing here talking.
Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bam! Ba! A bolt of lightning is going to knock you down.
OK.
Bam! Ah! Oh! Stand up.
Fucking stand up.
That's great.
Ah! That noise! Yeah.
Noise is fantastic.
Let's do the noise again.
Cool, right.
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Aghhhh! That's fantastic! Oh, God that's great! Yeah, cool.
That's really great.
It's like a it's like a weird baby crow that's been left by its mother, and the little legs started flailing.
Did they? And, er Yeah, they did.
Sorry, I'm just making notes.
Have you heard of, erm Michael Flatley? Er, yeah.
Yes, hmm.
The Lord Of The Dance.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Here we go, you and me.
Yeah.
What are we going to do? The Lord Of The Dance.
Faster.
Fucking give me passion.
No, come on! That's not Michael Flatley.
Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.
Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.
Faster.
Faster.
More, more! So, there's one scene, er that I need to see, cos at one point Rumpelstiltskin climbs up through the sewers Right to escape the villagers.
OK.
OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
How do you want to do that? Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, God! It's far too much.
It's an evil toilet dwarf.
Yeah.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! OK.
Ugh! Ooo-ugh! How do you feel? Erm, feet are a bit wet, to be honest.
So what is a typical day for you? Um.
I want to see what you do, I want to see what you do.
How you do it.
What you do? Same as you probably, really.
Um, just sort of having important meetings, doing some brilliant acting.
Mm.
Um, hanging out with famous people, sort of thing.
Like, who like? Other dwarves, like tiny men? Sometimes.
Er, yeah.
But, I mean, today, I'm going to cruise down and meet a couple of good friends of mine Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
Ricky Gervais? Mm hm.
Can I come with you? Sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Good.
Let's do it, yeah? Yeah.
There they are, the lads.
Hi.
Hello, lads.
So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every other day to see you guys, don't I? Seems like it, yeah.
Have you, er, have you met before? Johnny this is Stephen.
Hello, pleased to meet you.
No.
And Ricky there.
I actually remember him from the Golden Globes.
Hi.
Yeah.
How's it going? I'm fine.
Just doing another film that's going to make loads of money probably a lot more money than any film you've ever ahem made.
Good.
And you? Er, yeah just, just writing, I write and direct all my own stuff.
How great for you.
That must be so great.
I'm working with a great director - Tim Burton.
Have you ever heard of him? Of course.
Yeah.
And the film itself is really brilliant and I'm playing a very interesting character.
Do you have any idea who my leading lady is on this film? Erm, in the Tim Burton film? Um, yeah.
Helena Bonham Carter? How d'you know? Stab in the dark.
She thinks you're an idiot.
Sorry, have I done something to offend you? What do you mean, like, trashing me in front of 200 million people at the Golden Globes? That was a while ago, they were jokes, Johnny Oh, they were jokes? Yeah.
You like jokes? Yes.
Good, cos I got together with a few pals, after the awards, and we wrote some jokes about you.
And I want you to know this, I want you to carry this with you for the rest of your days.
No-one makes fun of Tim Allen on my watch and gets away with it.
Don't say anything, just keep that in you, OK? Here are my jokes.
What is nastier than Ricky Gervais's jokes? His teeth! Why do people instantly dislike Ricky Gervais? Because it saves time! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Why did Ricky Gervais do a series of audio books? So that the blind could hate him as well.
Now, this is from Angelina.
"Tell Ricky Gervais that me and Brad have a picture of him on our mantelpiece, "because it keeps the kids away from the fire.
" And why isn't Ricky Gervais circumcised? Because there's no end to that prick.
Did you quit Twitter recently? Well, about two years ago.
But you quit Twitter? Yeah.
Right.
Yes.
And did you quit because it only has 140 characters? Well, the joke I made at the time was I'm so verbose that I can't say everything in 140 letters, so Right.
Do the joke.
What's the joke? I hear that Ricky Gervais quit Twitter recently because it only has 140 characters.
Well, that's 139 more characters than he's ever come up with.
Good joke.
The telling of it took about as long as long as Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but yeah, it's a good joke.
You're laughing.
Well, it's just You fucking laughed.
Mm What, are you dissing Pirates now? No.
Really? It's a good movie, I thought it was Just a bit long though, which he picked up on.
People love that movie.
Oh, yeah.
What is wrong with you people? Seriously, why do you pick on movie stars? What have I done wrong? Picking on.
.
I'm trying to express myself, man, to help people.
Sure.
Give joy to the masses.
Right.
Is that a crime? Is that a crime? Seriously.
No.
.
No.
No more.
No more.
These Hollywood stars are so touchy, aren't they? Tell me about it.
Well, that's five grand down the drain! Still, I've got that wedding on Saturday and that's cash in hand.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, Warwick.
Onwards and upwards! Five grand, though! Well, here he is.
Hello.
Hi, nice to see you again.
Warwick.
Where's your Ewok outfit? My? Ewok outfit, where is it? What do you mean? Well, obviously we want you dressed as an Ewok.
What do you mean, obviously? Why else would we invite you? For my celebrity status? I invite dwarves to my wedding willy-nilly if they're not bringing anything to the table.
You didn't bring the Ewok costume.
Why would I walk around with a costume? That was for a film.
Why do you actually need me? Anyone could walk around dressed as an Ewok.
That's not Dave Prowse, and that's not Anthony Daniels, that's not Kenny Baker in a dustbin there.
Yeah, it is actually.
Is it? Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick.
My future wife is expecting to see an Ewok at her wedding.
You want me to, magic up an Ewok costume? Could get like a bear outfit Ewoks aren't bears.
Could someone pop to Hamley's for a big toy bear and put him in it? What am I? A pair of pyjamas? I've got a big toy bear my brother won at the fair.
I could get that.
Would you mind? No, I don't want it, it stinks, the dog humps it all the time.
Great, yes, get the stinky bear.
Excuse me, I'm still here, you know.
And, finally, just like to say a few words about Emma's grandmother, Vera, who sadly passed away very recently.
We're certain that she's looking down on us today wishing them all the love in the world, so please raise your glasses as we toast the bride and Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute, hang on.
Let's not go out on a dead gran, let's have a bit of a laugh here.
Um, here we go, just, er, hop up.
Oh! Thank you very much.
I will take that.
I'd just like to say a few words.
Let's end on a high That's a good effort but a bit depressing for a wedding.
I'm Warwick and I'm the other best man and I'm going to keep this speech short, like myself! The groom is not just a huge fan of mine but he's also a huge a cricket fan and I know he's been waiting to find out the Test results.
It's all right, mate, they're negative! And there's only one thing that's hit more balls than Ian Botham's bat, and that's Emma's chin! Traditionally, the best man's speech is when you make the groom feel uncomfortable for five minutes.
Which is exactly what Nigel does to Emma in bed.
I mean, he makes her feel uncomfortable as he's not very good in bed.
Not cos he's making her do something she doesn't want to do, like forcing her to do anal.
OK.
Um, er, and looking around the room you know I can see you're thinking if I'm the best man, why is Nigel marrying Emma? Cos I didn't get her pregnant.
What's, what's the matter with her, what? She can't have kids.
What? She can't have children.
There's no way I could have known she's barren.
This is ridiculous.
It's ridiculous, you've got to chill out, honestly.
You don't know how lucky you are to have me here.
Twat! Big laughs and thanks for that.
So Emma's gran.
Emma's gran.
Emma's gran.
She needs a drink! 'What a week! 'It started off so well.
' Star of a convention, didn't make any money.
Then Johnny Depp comes along, supposed to get five grand, I blow that.
And then get paid to come to a wedding - blew that.
What am I doing? Sometimes I seriously think I should just give up this lark and get a proper job.
What could you do instead? There's the rub.
You're stealing the best roles for yourself.
It's really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks.
I just said, first off get a bra that fits She's weak minded and vulnerable and easily persuaded.
That's how he got her, yes.
He's more your run-of-the-mill kind of chap.
What's all this? We want to talk to you.
I can't have its face staring at me.
It?! Can we lose the face? Right, that's one for Great Ormond Street.
Signed DVDs of The Office, only ã30.
Signed by Ricky Gervais.
And then Save the Children and that one's Help The Aged.
Thanks for doing this, Rick.
It's amazing how much they'll raise.
Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning.
Excellent, just dump it there.
Yeah, we've got coffee, and we have sandwiches.
Cheers.
Oh, Shaun, I was going to ask you, for a quote for the office.
Ooh, the most important sitcom of a generation.
Er cheers.
No, um I meant a quote to paint the office.
Three hundred? That's cheap.
It is, yeah.
Four.
Well, you said three just now.
I Yeah, I'll give you four.
Cheers.
It's your money.
It's still cheap, innit? It is, yeah.
I'm an actor' Have you heard of a film called Willow? No.
Not many people have, to be honest.
'.
.
An entrepreneur.
' You're hired.
'Soon to be divorced.
' You're supposed to move out.
We're separated.
Not really.
'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.
' How am I supposed to make that much money? 'Today I'm at the biggest science fiction and fantasy convention in the UK.
'It's the fans' best day ever, 'cos they get to meet their heroes, and say thanks for everything.
'It's also a great day for me because, you know, 'I can say thank you for watching.
' My chance to give them something.
That's ã25, please.
There you go.
ã25, please.
Thank you.
Cheryl? Right.
Hello.
Hello.
All right? This is my son Michael.
Hi, Michael.
How's it going? All right? He's got a tumour.
Oh! Sorry to hear that.
He really loves you.
He loves all your films, don't you? Thank you.
He'd really like a picture.
Yeah, sure.
Shall I put Michael on here? Thank you so much.
It's really made his day.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
There we go.
ã25, please.
What? ã25.
You're going to charge us? Yeah.
What, even with his tumour? It's very sad and everything, but the sign does say ã25, you know.
I've got to treat everyone the same, or it's not fair.
Anyone could say they've a tumour.
They wouldn't.
You'd be surprised.
A lot of people would.
Who? Angie Watts did in EastEnders.
You remember? Dirty Den went mental at her.
Rightly so.
OK, but he has got an actual tumour.
So you say.
I don't know.
Well, let's assume that he's got a tumour, because he has.
Yeah.
And if it turns out he hasn't, you can go mental and I'll send you ã25.
How's that? But no less so than when you started.
You came here with a tumour, you're getting more tumours, whereas I'm without the ã25 I'm entitled to.
Look at the sign.
I can't believe that you're being serious.
Once word gets out I'm giving away pictures to people with tumours, everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me! I've got a tumour!" No-one's going to do that! They're more likely to go, "Wow, what a nice guy! "He gives away free pictures to people with tumours.
" Yeah, all right.
So you'll make sure that message gets out then? Right, um Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away a free picture to officially diagnosed tumours.
See, it's what I do.
Nice guy, see? I've got a tumour.
No, you haven't.
No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS.
You haven't got AIDS.
Haven't I? No.
To get AIDS, you have to have had sex at least once.
Good point! Who's it to? My mates call me Morpheus.
Do they? No, I haven't got any mates.
Just put Terry.
ã25.
Thank you very much.
Hiya.
Tumour.
Oh, for f! Hi.
Hi.
We are giant fans, and we're getting married in a few weeks.
It's a Star Wars-themed wedding.
Oh, right.
We're wondering, would you be guest of honour? Er When is it? July the 14th.
This year? Yeah.
Ah Diary is pretty full this year.
Not this year, it's not.
No, there is some stuff in there.
No, the diary's completely empty.
Look.
It's not completely empty.
It is, look.
See, it's completely empty.
Yeah.
Thanks for that, Cheryl! We could pay you, obviously.
I mean, not much.
Maybe ã500? If If I could squeeze you in - and it is an if what would my duties be? I mean, would I best man? No, that's my brother Rob.
Sure he's the right man for the job? Has he had experience of public speaking? He's looking forward to it.
We're best friends.
OK.
Well, shall we just say that, you know, if Rob crashes and burns and the whole evening falls flat, then I'll be straight up there to save the day.
OK.
If that happens, then sure.
Great! And if it does happen, it'll be an extra ã250.
Just so you know.
I've got a great Star Wars anecdote about a certain cast member who asked me to smuggle cocaine for her through LAX Airport cos she said there's not a customs officer in the world who wants to stick their finger up a dwarf's arse.
OK.
Well, let's see how Rob gets on first.
It's your special day.
Hi, excuse me.
Hiya.
Would you mind being interviewed for the local news? Local news? Yeah, sure.
Good.
Great.
How are you? Very well, how are you? Good.
Yes, very good.
I didn't actually know who you were.
Oh.
He recognised you.
Oh, yeah? Said you were famous.
A bit.
Who are you? Warwick Davis.
So just start on me and then go over to the, er OK.
What's your name again? It's Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis? Yeah.
Davis.
Warwick Davis, Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis, I'm here with Warwick Davis.
You were in Star Wars, right? That's right, yeah.
Let's go.
You rolling? Hello, I'm joined with Ah, cut! Sorry.
"Joined with"? What does that mean? It's OK.
It's not OK.
Mistakes like that are why I'm still at this channel.
Been here three years.
Still doing shitty little interviews with nobodies.
Let's go again.
What's your name again? Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis.
Warwick Davis.
Yeah.
I'm with Warwick Davis, Star of the Star Wars films.
That is a cut as well.
It was going well.
It's not going well! Star of the Star Wars films.
Don't patronise me, thank you.
And also don't speak until I've introduced you.
Right? Right.
OK.
Camera's on me, I say your name, then the camera goes on you.
Guess what? That's when you speak.
OK.
Say who you are and why you're here.
Then we're done.
Been up since six for this! OK, we're going here? Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis.
Yeah.
Er, I was in Star Wars - Return of the Jedi, the Harry Potter films, playing Flitwick.
I was also in the Leprechaun films, the first one famously starred a very young Jennifer Anniston.
You were in a film with Jennifer Anniston? Yeah.
My God! Any interesting stories? No, not really.
Fuck's sake! Cut! OK, what are you doing? What? Don't set me up with that then have nothing.
We look like prats.
There's no story.
Clutching at straws here! Well, she's.
.
You say Jennifer Aniston, I'll leap on it.
Don't send me down a cul de sac, right? OK.
Send one more shoddy report this week, I'm out on my ear.
This doesn't get on telly, you don't get on telly.
Brilliant! Do yourself a favour.
Have you got both of us in? Have you just got his head? It's a dwarf, if you just show his head that's the same as on anyone.
Can we put him on the table please, so we can just see Well, I don't think I should.
Get on the table so we can see you're a bloody dwarf! What are you doing? All right, OK, if I just get on the chair is that OK? Get on a chair.
OK.
Right, you see? OK, you ready? OK, let's do it.
I'm here with Warwick Davis, from Star Wars, and others.
Go.
Yeah, um, I was in, er, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Yes.
Played Wicket the Ewok.
Er, I was in the Harry Potter films.
Of course.
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
Yeah.
Time Bandits.
No, I wasn't in that.
Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf! Fucking hell! Cut.
Sorry, my bad! That's my bad, sorry.
Have you got any interesting stories about, um, about Star Wars? Well, yeah, I've got a good story about how my grandmother got me the part.
Shall we do that? OK? Right.
Here we go again.
Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis, Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf.
Go on.
How d'you get that part? I was 11 and my grandmother was listening to the radio Oh, my God, The A-Team van, the A-Team van.
Good, OK.
He's gone to interview what is essentially a second-hand car.
Not a massive earner today.
Made 250 quid, which is why we're going to have a brainstorming session.
Do you know what that is? It just Throw out any money-making ideas you've got, right? Brain storming, OK.
I'll make some notes.
We'll start with number one, OK? In your own time.
The company is called Dwarves For Hire.
Is that right? Yes, it is, yeah, yeah.
Why do you have to only do acting? Could you do other stuff? Such as? Chimney sweep.
Chimney sweep? Why am I suddenly doing that? Well, it used to be children, didn't it? 100 years ago, yeah.
But it's cruel to send children up there nowadays, so So it's not cruel to send a dwarf up there? No, because you're an adult, aren't you? Oh, are you not? Oh, I thought you're an adult.
Yeah, of course I'm an adult, but I'm also a businessman and I've been in loads of big films.
Why am I suddenly running up chimneys? You wouldn't have to run up there, I could help you up.
Right so, so your business idea is you shoving me up a chimney? Well, you wouldn't actually necessarily have to go up there at all.
When my gran used to have her chimney cleaned, the bloke would come round, cover everything up with sheets then stick a long brush up there.
You could do that.
Right, so now I'm not even taking advantage of my size.
I'm just a chimney sweep? Or I could be at the bottom, and you could be at the end of the pole cleaning the top of the chimney, doing a great job, and people would come round and go, "Wow, that is the cleanest chimney ever! "How did you do that?" "I had a dwarf on a pole.
" "Which one?" "Warwick Davis.
" "Who's Warwick Davis?" "He's an actor.
" "What's he been in?" "Films.
" "Which ones?" "I can't remember.
"These ones.
" Right.
That idea's safe.
Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole".
Good, um, moving on to number two.
You could do other stuff that's too dangerous for children.
Like what? You could be used as bait to catch a paedophile.
Go on.
How would this work? You in a little dress, with bunches in your hair, just playing in the woods waiting for paedophiles to come up to you, and molest you.
Why am I dressed as a little girl? Why can't I be a boy? I don't think there's any gay paedophiles.
There's loads of gay paedophiles.
Also, they won't have done anything wrong because if a paedophile comes up to me and offers me some sweets, all he's done is give a dwarf some sweets.
That's not illegal.
What happens if a real kid comes over and wants to play? I'm a grown man dressed as a little girl playing with a kid in the woods.
Straight to prison.
Next.
You could hide in places too small for other people to hide in.
I don't even know what job that is.
Forget it.
It's just, it's not working.
Just There's nothing come in, no job offers at all? No, nothing really.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, Johnny Depp's agent called.
What? Give it You didn't want to mention this? 'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin.
'Tim is directing, obviously, it is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter.
'Johnny will be playing Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf from the classic fairy tale.
' OK.
'But you may know Johnny's a real method actor, 'he spends a lot of time researching his roles 'and he wants to meet and understand what it's like to be a little person.
' Fantastic.
He's made the right decision.
I totally understand what it's like to be a little person.
'Great! Obviously Johnny will pay you for your time.
'We thought a week's work, Monday to Friday, ã1,000 a day.
ã5,000? 'Yeah.
Is that OK?' Yeah, that's good, yeah.
'Are you free from Monday next week?' Er, let's just, er, just check the old diary.
Er, it's pretty chocca so, er, you know, we'll have to shift a few things around.
You've got nothing but a back wax.
Yeah.
No, I'm all set.
Great.
'Great.
Johnny will see you at the Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.
' OK, see you then.
Bye.
'Bye.
' Oh! Oh, I can't believe you're meeting Johnny Depp.
He is my favourite film star.
He's one of the handsomest men on earth, and he's intelligent, and brilliant at acting, and rich.
Probably wouldn't go out with me, though, would he? Probably not.
Course, he's married, isn't he? He is sadly, otherwise you'd be straight in there.
Not bad, is it? Being a muse to one of the biggest movie stars of all time.
I'm not going to tell him how to say his lines, no.
I'm not going to tell him how to play a dwarf.
I'm going to tell him how to be a dwarf, how to think like a dwarf, how to feel like a dwarf.
Then they'll use special effects to make him small like a dwarf.
Team effort.
Hello.
Oh, ho-ho, wow! That's perfect.
OK.
It's perfect.
Yeah you just, just move All right? Just go and do whatever you would normally do.
Crazy little walk.
Where do you sit? On like a chair, sofa? Or like, er, on the floor, cross-legged? Can you actually, can you do cross-legged? Not really, I just normally sit in a chair.
Really? Yeah.
Shall we, shall I sit down? Yeah, yeah, please, please.
Wow! He hopped on the chair.
It's, it's great.
Cool.
He's kind of like a grub coming out of an apple, seeing the world for the first time.
All right.
So may I ask you a question? Mm-hm.
If you were struck by lightning, bolt of lightning, bam! Right? Yeah.
What do you do? Dead! Maybe not.
OK.
Can I just see you out of that chair, on that floor? Standing here like this? Yeah.
Just you and me.
Yeah.
We're standing here talking.
Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bam! Ba! A bolt of lightning is going to knock you down.
OK.
Bam! Ah! Oh! Stand up.
Fucking stand up.
That's great.
Ah! That noise! Yeah.
Noise is fantastic.
Let's do the noise again.
Cool, right.
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Aghhhh! That's fantastic! Oh, God that's great! Yeah, cool.
That's really great.
It's like a it's like a weird baby crow that's been left by its mother, and the little legs started flailing.
Did they? And, er Yeah, they did.
Sorry, I'm just making notes.
Have you heard of, erm Michael Flatley? Er, yeah.
Yes, hmm.
The Lord Of The Dance.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Here we go, you and me.
Yeah.
What are we going to do? The Lord Of The Dance.
Faster.
Fucking give me passion.
No, come on! That's not Michael Flatley.
Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.
Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.
Faster.
Faster.
More, more! So, there's one scene, er that I need to see, cos at one point Rumpelstiltskin climbs up through the sewers Right to escape the villagers.
OK.
OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
How do you want to do that? Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, God! It's far too much.
It's an evil toilet dwarf.
Yeah.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! OK.
Ugh! Ooo-ugh! How do you feel? Erm, feet are a bit wet, to be honest.
So what is a typical day for you? Um.
I want to see what you do, I want to see what you do.
How you do it.
What you do? Same as you probably, really.
Um, just sort of having important meetings, doing some brilliant acting.
Mm.
Um, hanging out with famous people, sort of thing.
Like, who like? Other dwarves, like tiny men? Sometimes.
Er, yeah.
But, I mean, today, I'm going to cruise down and meet a couple of good friends of mine Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
Ricky Gervais? Mm hm.
Can I come with you? Sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Good.
Let's do it, yeah? Yeah.
There they are, the lads.
Hi.
Hello, lads.
So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every other day to see you guys, don't I? Seems like it, yeah.
Have you, er, have you met before? Johnny this is Stephen.
Hello, pleased to meet you.
No.
And Ricky there.
I actually remember him from the Golden Globes.
Hi.
Yeah.
How's it going? I'm fine.
Just doing another film that's going to make loads of money probably a lot more money than any film you've ever ahem made.
Good.
And you? Er, yeah just, just writing, I write and direct all my own stuff.
How great for you.
That must be so great.
I'm working with a great director - Tim Burton.
Have you ever heard of him? Of course.
Yeah.
And the film itself is really brilliant and I'm playing a very interesting character.
Do you have any idea who my leading lady is on this film? Erm, in the Tim Burton film? Um, yeah.
Helena Bonham Carter? How d'you know? Stab in the dark.
She thinks you're an idiot.
Sorry, have I done something to offend you? What do you mean, like, trashing me in front of 200 million people at the Golden Globes? That was a while ago, they were jokes, Johnny Oh, they were jokes? Yeah.
You like jokes? Yes.
Good, cos I got together with a few pals, after the awards, and we wrote some jokes about you.
And I want you to know this, I want you to carry this with you for the rest of your days.
No-one makes fun of Tim Allen on my watch and gets away with it.
Don't say anything, just keep that in you, OK? Here are my jokes.
What is nastier than Ricky Gervais's jokes? His teeth! Why do people instantly dislike Ricky Gervais? Because it saves time! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Why did Ricky Gervais do a series of audio books? So that the blind could hate him as well.
Now, this is from Angelina.
"Tell Ricky Gervais that me and Brad have a picture of him on our mantelpiece, "because it keeps the kids away from the fire.
" And why isn't Ricky Gervais circumcised? Because there's no end to that prick.
Did you quit Twitter recently? Well, about two years ago.
But you quit Twitter? Yeah.
Right.
Yes.
And did you quit because it only has 140 characters? Well, the joke I made at the time was I'm so verbose that I can't say everything in 140 letters, so Right.
Do the joke.
What's the joke? I hear that Ricky Gervais quit Twitter recently because it only has 140 characters.
Well, that's 139 more characters than he's ever come up with.
Good joke.
The telling of it took about as long as long as Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but yeah, it's a good joke.
You're laughing.
Well, it's just You fucking laughed.
Mm What, are you dissing Pirates now? No.
Really? It's a good movie, I thought it was Just a bit long though, which he picked up on.
People love that movie.
Oh, yeah.
What is wrong with you people? Seriously, why do you pick on movie stars? What have I done wrong? Picking on.
.
I'm trying to express myself, man, to help people.
Sure.
Give joy to the masses.
Right.
Is that a crime? Is that a crime? Seriously.
No.
.
No.
No more.
No more.
These Hollywood stars are so touchy, aren't they? Tell me about it.
Well, that's five grand down the drain! Still, I've got that wedding on Saturday and that's cash in hand.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, Warwick.
Onwards and upwards! Five grand, though! Well, here he is.
Hello.
Hi, nice to see you again.
Warwick.
Where's your Ewok outfit? My? Ewok outfit, where is it? What do you mean? Well, obviously we want you dressed as an Ewok.
What do you mean, obviously? Why else would we invite you? For my celebrity status? I invite dwarves to my wedding willy-nilly if they're not bringing anything to the table.
You didn't bring the Ewok costume.
Why would I walk around with a costume? That was for a film.
Why do you actually need me? Anyone could walk around dressed as an Ewok.
That's not Dave Prowse, and that's not Anthony Daniels, that's not Kenny Baker in a dustbin there.
Yeah, it is actually.
Is it? Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick.
My future wife is expecting to see an Ewok at her wedding.
You want me to, magic up an Ewok costume? Could get like a bear outfit Ewoks aren't bears.
Could someone pop to Hamley's for a big toy bear and put him in it? What am I? A pair of pyjamas? I've got a big toy bear my brother won at the fair.
I could get that.
Would you mind? No, I don't want it, it stinks, the dog humps it all the time.
Great, yes, get the stinky bear.
Excuse me, I'm still here, you know.
And, finally, just like to say a few words about Emma's grandmother, Vera, who sadly passed away very recently.
We're certain that she's looking down on us today wishing them all the love in the world, so please raise your glasses as we toast the bride and Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute, hang on.
Let's not go out on a dead gran, let's have a bit of a laugh here.
Um, here we go, just, er, hop up.
Oh! Thank you very much.
I will take that.
I'd just like to say a few words.
Let's end on a high That's a good effort but a bit depressing for a wedding.
I'm Warwick and I'm the other best man and I'm going to keep this speech short, like myself! The groom is not just a huge fan of mine but he's also a huge a cricket fan and I know he's been waiting to find out the Test results.
It's all right, mate, they're negative! And there's only one thing that's hit more balls than Ian Botham's bat, and that's Emma's chin! Traditionally, the best man's speech is when you make the groom feel uncomfortable for five minutes.
Which is exactly what Nigel does to Emma in bed.
I mean, he makes her feel uncomfortable as he's not very good in bed.
Not cos he's making her do something she doesn't want to do, like forcing her to do anal.
OK.
Um, er, and looking around the room you know I can see you're thinking if I'm the best man, why is Nigel marrying Emma? Cos I didn't get her pregnant.
What's, what's the matter with her, what? She can't have kids.
What? She can't have children.
There's no way I could have known she's barren.
This is ridiculous.
It's ridiculous, you've got to chill out, honestly.
You don't know how lucky you are to have me here.
Twat! Big laughs and thanks for that.
So Emma's gran.
Emma's gran.
Emma's gran.
She needs a drink! 'What a week! 'It started off so well.
' Star of a convention, didn't make any money.
Then Johnny Depp comes along, supposed to get five grand, I blow that.
And then get paid to come to a wedding - blew that.
What am I doing? Sometimes I seriously think I should just give up this lark and get a proper job.
What could you do instead? There's the rub.
You're stealing the best roles for yourself.
It's really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks.
I just said, first off get a bra that fits She's weak minded and vulnerable and easily persuaded.
That's how he got her, yes.
He's more your run-of-the-mill kind of chap.
What's all this? We want to talk to you.
I can't have its face staring at me.
It?! Can we lose the face? Right, that's one for Great Ormond Street.
Signed DVDs of The Office, only ã30.
Signed by Ricky Gervais.
And then Save the Children and that one's Help The Aged.
Thanks for doing this, Rick.
It's amazing how much they'll raise.
Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning.
Excellent, just dump it there.
Yeah, we've got coffee, and we have sandwiches.
Cheers.
Oh, Shaun, I was going to ask you, for a quote for the office.
Ooh, the most important sitcom of a generation.
Er cheers.
No, um I meant a quote to paint the office.
Three hundred? That's cheap.
It is, yeah.
Four.
Well, you said three just now.
I Yeah, I'll give you four.
Cheers.
It's your money.
It's still cheap, innit? It is, yeah.