Lilyhammer (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

I'm gonna give you the cocksucker, but I got some demands.
I'm thinking Lilyhammer.
AGENT: Look, here's the file to your new identity.
From now on, you're Giovanni Henriksen.
- To new beginnings.
- New beginnings.
Six-months daily course for immigrants that struggle to adapt to Norwegian society.
- Is this blackmail? - Definitely.
FRANK: And this is gonna be my teacher.
If you get into any, and I mean any trouble with the police, you are on your own.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I'd like to run a background check on Giovanni Henriksen.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What are you doing, Viggo? I just gave the window a squirt.
Yes, and it's the third time since Fåberg.
You think wiper-fluid is free or something? - No.
- No? What the hell is that? Hello! (MAN BREATHING HEAVILY) Hello! There ain't no one here.
Olive oil, it says here.
This ain't olive oil, Viggo.
Ah! Sweet.
I have chosen to call this course "New Start," because that is exactly what you will get here.
A new chance to get to know the multi-headed, but basically pleasant, troll we call Norwegian society.
We have found a resourceful person when it comes to the multicultural, Sigrid Haugli.
SIGRID: Thank you for those kind words, Jan.
Is he on this list of participants? Yes indeed.
He's a last-minute addition.
Okay, good luck with the verbal interaction.
SIGRID: So, let's start on page three.
Yes? a Norwegian woman he met on a train, and he keeps running into her now and then, where would they go from there? Uh (IN NORWEGIAN) I think maybe we should focus on questions relating to the text today.
I hope you've thought about what we're doing here.
ROAR: A good taxi driver has a radar that tells him what's worth doing.
And this, Viggo, I promise you, is worth doing.
Oh, fuck! We gotta go.
Shit.
My nose ring! I must have got it caught on something.
Never mind that.
My girlfriend gave it to me for Christmas.
Viggo! (ROAR EXHALES) - (WHISPERING) Sigrid? - Yes? Can I just - Please, come in.
- Great.
I forgot this.
I just wanted to inform you about the activities we offer.
On Tuesdays the theater group, Rainbow, has its get-togethers.
Exciting.
On Thursday we have self-defense classes for minority women.
Lam in charge of this one myself.
(JAN CHUCKLES) And then, the icing on the cake, the big ice-skating day.
And do we look forward to that? (IN NORWEGIAN) Yeah JAN: I didn't quite hear? ALL: (IN NORWEGIAN) Yes JAN: Of course we're looking forward to it! - Great.
- Thanks, Jan.
So, let's continue with how to greet someone in Norwegian.
Hello, my name is Sigrid.
I come from Lillehammer.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) SIGRID: What? What is he saying? (CONTINUES SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (IN NORWEGIAN) He says that it is haram for him to take a woman's hand.
Oh? Okay, I think it's time for a little break, and we'll continue with the greeting afterwards.
(TOILET FLUSHING) What? Listen, you might wrap your women like mummies back in Taliban country, but here, we treat our broads with respect.
Comprende? Get your hands off me.
You're not listening.
Next chance you get, you're gonna shake that teacher's hand and shut the fuck up about it, you got it? Don't make me get emotional about this little misunderstanding.
Good.
Now, get out.
You should attend the skating course.
- Funny.
- Hello.
(IN NORWEGIAN) My name is Yusuf.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What kind of idiot drives around without chains in these conditions? (IN NORWEGIAN) Please, please.
Bloody incompetent dago.
There was enough booze for 300,000.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What is this? (IN NORWEGIAN) Have we been robbed by a bunch of bitches? I should say we're looking for a guy who likes to decorate himself.
TORGEIR: (IN NORWEGIAN) When does the bus come? The bus comes now.
This is easy.
Ain't you done yet? I don't see the point of a Norwegian class if you don't do the homework yourself.
Hello, guys.
Your confirmation jacket? Yeah, never goes out of fashion, this, you know.
Well, I beg to differ.
Now I have a little surprise for you.
A pub owner I know went bankrupt.
I have 30 more boxes in the car, if you're interested.
Wow.
(ROAR CLEARS THROAT) How much? Well, over the counter this lot would knock you back about 200.
So 150.
That ain't gonna happen.
A hundred? A hundred? How about 50? I need at least 100 for this.
We got a deal or not? Seventy-five.
75.
Okay, fuck it then.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Cheers.
FRANK: Tell you a little story about a hero of mine.
Gentleman named Benjamin Siegel.
Don't call him Bugsy.
One day, he decided to build the world's greatest club in the middle of the desert.
Well, everybody laughed.
But today, that place is called Las Vegas.
Here, here.
We have the same opportunity.
And when we're done, people are going to forget the Olympics were ever here.
WOMAN: Okay.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Have you thought who's going to be in charge of the HMS? What's that? It's (CLEARS THROAT) union stuff.
Are there any non-union-related questions? (IN NORWEGIAN) This is violating the Working Environment Act.
I'm glad you brought that up.
You're fired.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You understand? Get out.
Anybody else wanna join the union? Those were the best-looking waitresses you could find? Yep.
Half of those broads are on the wrong side of menopause.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Sorry, boss, but the employment office.
you know? Listen, listen, listen.
You represent me now.
You've gotta let that caged lion of creativity that's inside you run free.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Okay, boss.
I'll try.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Johnny? There's a policeman here asking for you.
What, now? Yes, right away.
All right.
Fuckin' What now? What now? Officer, what can we do for you? (IN NORWEGIAN) I just wondered what's happening with the gig? Gig? Well, my band had an agreement with the last owner about playing here once a month.
I'm sure you've seen the poster that's hanging That was hanging over there.
What was the name of the act again? Geir-Elvis.
Elvis? What's that? Elvis doing Judy Garland songs? Gay Elvis? No, Geir-Elvis.
Well, listen, lam sure you are terrific, okay? But, I didn't know anything about it.
We already booked a band for opening night.
It's okay.
We'll fit you into the future, that's all.
Okay, well, you call me? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Fine.
Thank you.
- You got it.
Gay Elvis? What's next, a straight Liberace? (ALL LAUGHING) (IN NORWEGIAN) Did you get any response on the background check on Giovanni Henriksen? (IN NORWEGIAN) Yes, it was rather odd.
There were big gaps in his biography.
There's something fishy about that guy.
Says he's American, but looks more like an Arab.
I'm sure it's just some computer mess-up.
Doesn't even like Elvis.
(DISPATCHER SPEAKING NORWEGIAN ON RADIO) Control to U-05.
U-05 answering.
Armed robbery at the DnB Nor Bank on Strandtorget.
Five men with machine guns heading downtown.
We're on the way.
(SIREN WAILING) Hold on.
GEIR: Something's finally happening here.
- Watch out.
- Wait.
Excuse me, but didn't that branch close down last spring? Quite right.
Just kidding.
All calm and quiet here, as always.
This radio is not a toy, you know.
Assholes.
(CHUCKLING) (GEIR SIGHING) If you're out on the town, this spray is a must.
But there are also techniques that can be useful.
Come up here, Svetlana.
I am now a defenseless minority-background girl, and you are a tiresome guy from Gausdal.
I walk like this.
And you grab me from behind.
- Up here.
- Oh, no! I lost the pepper spray! That's how we do it.
(JAN LAUGHING) (FRANK CLAPPING) Take a couple of minutes, girls.
Hey, there.
at the cabin, I see.
Just kidding.
I'm here for a favor, actually.
We need some pretty bartenders, you know, down at the Flamingo? I thought, "Let's go see my pal Jan, because who knows better than him "those that are both unemployed and good looking?" (CHUCKLES) I can't do that.
Jan, let's not make this more complicated than it has to be.
Jelena, Svetlana, can you come over here? - Hello.
- Hello.
Two minute-beef steaks.
Well-done.
(IN NORWEGIAN) One of the problems is (CHANGING CHANNELS) (MAN SPEAKING ON TV) (sum-nus) (TURNS TV OFF) I happened to be watching that.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (TURNS on TV) (TURNS TV OFF) (YUSUF SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What's the problem, pal? What is he saying? My brother say that series shows no respect for Arabs.
"Shows no respect for Arabs.
" Let me tell you something, buddy.
In Norway we have the Constitution.
It says I can watch TV whenever I want.
Got it? (SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (IN NORWEGIAN) ls there a problem here? Can't you just finish cooking my food? Don't stand here arguing with me! Tell him I can call the health department tomorrow and close down the joint.
(INAUDIBLE) Racist? I'll show you Hey! Hey! What's going on here? This idiot is giving me the whole Mullah Krekar routine here.
Geir, go back to the car now.
Right away.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) I'm sorry about that.
That's okay.
He's usually not like that.
You have to do something about your temper.
Here.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What can I do for you? I've lost this one here, so I'm looking for a new ring.
Okay.
Just a second, I'll talk to my boss about it.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) (CRUSHING BEER CAN) I didn't know you Norskies were so good at waste management.
(IN NORWEGIAN) We in Lillehammer know to value our friends.
Since the special coffee was to your liking, we wanted to give you your own.
do-it-yourself package.
Yeah.
I just hope this shit's safe, 'cause it looks like the fucking Beverly Hillbillies over here.
(IN NORWEGIAN) As safe as the bank.
Good! Are you having fun, guys? (JAN LAUGHING) Come to me.
Come, come, come.
Come on, let's make a skating train.
This might be the worst fucking winter sports show, like, ever.
Al-Qaeda on Ice.
(BOTH LAUGH) - Absolutely sure.
- (IN NORWEGIAN) Come on! - Train's leaving! (GIRLS WHOOPING) (LAUGHS) Spectacular! (IN NORWEGIAN) What do you think? before she got whacked.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I've arranged for some food for the evening course.
Could you help me? I'll bring Lawrence of Arabia, he doesn't seem too busy at the moment.
Okay.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I thought we could change the set order.
Start with Hound Dog.
Wouldn't that be nice? What the fuck? I'll call you back.
(CAMERA CLICKING) Fuck.
I knew it.
Look now! (GROANING) Shit.
You okay? What is it? Your leg? What happened? Easy, easy, easy.
Does it hurt? - Don't touch the leg! - Hold on.
I have bandages Don't do it! (SIGRID GROANING) No Band-Aid's gonna fix this.
(IN NORWEGIAN) And did we take a number for the line? Excuse me, there's nobody here.
(SIGRID SOBBING) (IN NORWEGIAN) Name and number, please.
Sigrid Haugli, 23-01-73-41444.
And what is our problem? (IN NORWEGIAN) I think I may have broken it.
Well, that'll be up to the doctor to decide, won't it.
Whoops, what happened? That's wrong.
You'll have to give me your ID number one more time.
Twenty-three Okay, enough! You can't just go in! Hey! Can we get a little help here? (IN NORWEGIAN) Oh, I'm having my lunch now, actually.
Guess what, you Harry Potter fuck? Lunch is over.
(BANGING) The doctor will see you now.
I forgot to pick up Jonas at school.
I'll take care of it.
(BELL RINGING) BOY: (IN NORWEGIAN) Had enough now? Brat! Had enough? What do you say? Brat! Had enough yet? (IN NORWEGIAN) What's going on here? Look, he's very upset! I got her message.
Yeah.
What about those punks, are they gonna be punished for this or what? Oh, no, we believe that dialogue is a much more effective weapon against this kind of anti-social behavior.
Interesting theory.
Let's go.
(IN NORWEGIAN) We've talked about this so many times All this talk, snakke It's no good.
It's not gonna get you any respect.
Here's what you gotta do.
Next time you see that kid.
The leader there, the one with the yellow jacket - Finn? - Finn.
You go up to this Finn, right? And you don't say nothin', but you got a mitten, and you fill it with rocks, stein.
And you smack him just like that, right on the nose.
Problem solved.
(FRANK CHUCKLES) Cheers.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Thanks for helping me with Jonas today.
You got a great kid there.
Don't I? You know, when that thing heals, I'd like to take you dancing.
Sounds nice.
Slow-dancing, of course.
Yeah, of course.
Well, guess I should be going.
Yeah.
Sure you'll be okay? (IN NORWEGIAN) Yes, yes, yes.
(SIGRID GROANING) Come on.
Don't be so brave.
Put your arm around my shoulder, come on.
That's it.
Easy.
Easy does it.
You Okay? Easy.
Gonna be all right now? (IN NORWEGIAN) Yes, thanks for helping.
Okay.
I guess this is good night.
(SIGRID CHUCKLES) Hi.
Torgeir Lien.
Manager.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Job interview bartenders (cute ones) (IN NORWEGIAN) Girls, where are you? (IN NORWEGIAN) Manager (CLEARS THROAT) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (IN NORWEGIAN) Hi ROY: Hi there.
(GROANING) Fuckin' psychos! You should all be at an institution! (ROY SHUSHING) (SCREAMING) What the fuck have you done with our booze? I don't know what you're talking about.
What you say? Is he having us on? I'd say he's definitely having us on.
(LAUGHING) TORGEIR: You will regret this.
You are so fucked.
You're fucked.
You'll regret this.
(SPITTING) Give me those pincers.
Get the finger.
Get the finger.
(TORGEIR GRUNTING) Let me go! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) SVETLANA: Hello? - SVETLANA: Anybody home? - (MUFFLED SCREAMING) Get those women out of here! It's closed.
Closed? But We have an appointment.
No appointments here now.
Help! Help! SVETLANA: What is going JELENA: What are you doing to him? Listen to me! Get out! (PEPPER SPRAY HISSING) (GIRLS SCREAMING) ARNE: Bitches.
SVETLANA: Police! (SPITTING) Help! Help! Help! Help! (PANTING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Yeah.
- TORGEIR: We've been robbed.
It's all gone.
The liquor, the cash.
- Fuck.
Okay.
All right.
I'm on my way.
I'm sorry, go back to sleep.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Are you leaving? I got a little crisis at the club.
Listen, I had a great time last night, teacher.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Me, too.
- Okay.
(DOOR OPENING) Laila! You got a minute? No, sorry.
But I think I'm on to something big.
You have to see.
It'll have to wait.
I've got an interrogation.
Yeah, but take (SMACKS TONGUE) Hey there.
- Laila Hovland.
- Mariann Aass.
You look well, Laila.
Lost some weight? On the contrary.
Didn't you lose your license to practice last year? (CHUCKLING) No, no, no, that was just a trifling little matter.
When you win a large sum at the Biri Racetrack without remembering the name of a single horse, excuse me, but you must realize that we suspect you of money laundering? - Well, it's - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) What do I say again? Hmm? (KNOCKING CONTINUES) What is it? You really need to come out here now.
We are not finished here.
Listen, Mariann, you can't ask me what I think.
Here is Suleyman Bhatti, terror suspect, on the lam in Scandinavia.
Right? Giovanni Henriksen.
And here.
Photo shopped a little, removed the beard and the mustache.
You see? Giovanni Henriksen is Suleyman Bhatti.
(LAUGHING) Honestly, Geir.
I really think you've been watching too much 24.
- No, no - (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) But I saw Yesterday I saw Giovanni receive some packages by some Mullah dudes.
Pretty radical-looking folks.
Did you sleep here last night? So what? My uncle worked here at the station during the Bouchiki case in '73.
That seemed far-fetched, too.
Go home, and go to bed.
Thanks for being here.
Hey, didn't you work here in '73 LAILA: Geir, go home! Then you say, "No comment.
" LAILA: Sorry about that.
INTERVIEW IN PROGRESS Any idea where we could find these fuckers? (IN NORWEGIAN) Apparently one of them usually hangs out at the diner in Tretten.
FRANK: Mmm-hmm.
Hmm.
Let's go take care of a little business, huh? FRANK: That him? TORGEIR: We can't get to him in there.
Don't worry, I think he'll come to us.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (IN NORWEGIAN) Hey, are you blind or something? (ARNE GROANING) has a little fucking problem.
How about we give you a ride? You're taking us to where your pals have my goods, you understand? (IN NORWEGIAN) You'd better tell him my English ain't all that good.
Don't play the fool.
Where does your gang hang out? None of your fuckin' business.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
This guy obviously needs a little extra motivation.
Bring him.
Come on.
(GRUNTING) Hey, hey, hey.
Peter Fonda, you see that? Okay, 0kay.
Let's go.
(PANTING) You're sure you don't wanna talk? You're bluffing! (IN NORWEGIAN) You can't be that crazy.
He's hyperventilating.
Breathe with your diaphragm.
There's nothing so dangerous about this.
My old skis work just fine.
Stop fuckin' with me.
Get me off the bar.
I'll get you off the bar.
(SCREAMING) Are you hurt? ((GOUGHING)) (GROANS) Good distance, but maybe some points off for the unsatisfactory landing.
the opportunity to, you know, improve his score with a second run.
Yes, I agree.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Please, no more.
No more.
Name, social security number, home address and signature.
Take it easy.
Time for a sit-down with you, gentlemen.
I'm just a simple club owner trying to keep his patrons' glasses filled.
If you think you can beat up one of my guys, how do you say (IN NORWEGIAN) What is it called? Ustraffa.
Going unpunished.
Please, you can speak Norwegian.
I'm a dedicated student to your culture.
(IN NORWEGIAN) This will have consequences.
You beat up one of my guys, I beat up one of yours.
You take a finger, I'm gonna take an arm.
In the end, nobody wins.
(SCOFFS) (IN NORWEGIAN) Well, we don't negotiate with thieving scoundrels.
Enough with the drama.
I got screwed, too.
I didn't know it was stolen.
I got a suggestion.
You give me the booze, I'll collect the money from the guy who sold it.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You surely understand that this is about more than the booze.
you got a little problem with the local cops, huh? Money laundering? So I can get rid of a couple of pots of coffee every day.
Fabricating band fees.
Capisce? (IN NORWEGIAN) You're not considering this Could mean another 100,000 kroner a month.
Minus an administrative fee.
(IN NORWEGIAN) If you will permit your lawyer to make a comment, this guy does have some very interesting ideas.
Okay.
I'll give it to you.
Seriously.
Look at me.
(LAUGHS) I thought I'd die.
They threw me off the ski jump.
(PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) We good to go, baby? Whoa! What a jacket! Yeah, baby.
What do you think? - Hmm? - (CELL PHONE RINGING) I gotta take this.
Hey, teach.
Something wrong with my homework? (FRANK CHUCKLING) (IN NORWEGIAN) Is it a bit too much, this jacket? Oh, no, you look great.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm just calling to say thank you so much.
and the invitation for tonight.
But? (IN NORWEGIAN) I can't.
to Jonas' school for a meeting.
Yeah? What's wrong? I don't understand.
He knocked out two teeth.
(IN NORWEGIAN) of a friend.
You don't say.
he has suddenly started to do such things.
FRANK: Well, you know, boys will be boys.
(FRANK CHUCKLES) We can go out some other night.
It's all right.
All right, bye.
- Huh? - Wow.
All right, now get out there and kill 'em! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING ROCK SONG) Thank you, thank you.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Yes, sir, what can I get you? (IN NORWEGIAN) Gin and tonic, please.
Cool jacket.
Yeah (SINGING) ROY: Twenty-five.
MAN 1: (IN NORWEGIAN) I'm in.
MAN 2: (IN NORWEGIAN) I fold.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Raise you by 25.
Fifty now.
Arnie (IN NORWEGIAN) None of us ordered a taxi.
for a reason.
He's got something to give you.
Let's just say he's found the spiritual wisdom in his heart to admit when he's wrong.
And it's hard to drive a cab with 10 broken fingers.
(BAG UNZIPPING) What the fuck? This can't be much more than half of Until his debt's fully paid, he's agreed to give all your guys free transportation.
He's trying to do the right thing.
(IN NORWEGIAN) You ought to be grateful you've got friends with more between their ears than you have.
I know.
(CLEARS THROAT) Cheers.
(GLASS CLINKING) (SINGING) (CROWD CHEERING) TORGEIR: (IN NORWEGIAN) One, two, three, four, five What's the score? (LAUGHING) Fuck, boss! We pulled in 10 big ones more than you thought.
Join me for a drink before we call it a night.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I'll never really get used to the shop stuff.
Isn't there any life in that contraption I set up for you? down there.
It smells terrible.
(sums) (SNIFFING) (DOOR OPENS) Vegas is coming to Norway.
That's right, baby.
U-HISSING) - (EXPLOSION) - What the fuck was that? (SIRENS WAILING) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's all this? I didn't call anybody.
Everything's under control, fellas.
(IN NORWEGIAN) What on Earth is going on in there? Just a little mishap with the gas tank.
Nothing serious.
(IN NORWEGIAN) I thought the whole house would blow to pieces! bring out all this shit for no reason, okay? Here's a little something, all right? Get yourself a new hose.
(IN NORWEGIAN) Well, we'd better just get going then.
But you've got to check this! Other people live here, too.
FIREMAN: But he says that it's Just a moment.
I am the police chief, and I insist that we go in.
Excuse me, officer, wouldn't you need a warrant for that? (sums) I think maybe I should have a look at the phantom picture you made of this Bhatti after all.
Oh, yeah? Let's see.
They do look alike.
What did I say?