Limmy's Show (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Welcome to Limmy's Show.
Imagine you're in a record shop and you saw that.
You'd be like this Wouldn't you? ( JEAN MICHELLE JARRE: Oxygene (Part IV)) Welcome back to Adventure Call, where we rejoin Stevie on line two.
All right, Falconhoof? Do you realise, Stevie, that you are on the verge of the being the first traveller to find the Black Ruby of Voldesade? Aye.
Can we just get oan wi'it, mate? That's half an hour I've been playing this, c'mon.
Very well.
As you recall, we are in a marble hallway.
In the centre is a statue of Hermes.
To the east is a tunnel of no return.
- Right - And to the west is a maze.
Kiss feet of Hermes.
You kiss the feet of Hermes? A pair of winged sandals appears next to Yes! Get winged sandals! - I told you, didn't ah?! - I must warn you again, Stevie, that I cannot receive your instructions until I have finished describing the environment to the viewers at home.
Right, well, hurry up, then! A pair of winged sandals appear next to the feet of Hermes.
What would you like to do? Enter tunnel.
Are you sure? Move! You're stalling for time.
Aye, they try to squeeze every penny oot o'you.
Very well.
The tunnel takes you north.
As you exit, it vanishes behind you.
You now stand before the Chasm of Fire.
To the east is a maze.
To the north, at the other side of the Chasm is the Black Ruby of Voldesade.
Yes! Jump the Chasm.
Be careful.
The chasm cannot be jumped by mere mortals.
Aye, but I'm no'a mere mortal.
I'm wearing the winged sandals, so just jump.
- You are not.
- I'm no' what? You are not wearing the winged sandals.
How no'? - You do not have them.
- Aye, I do.
- You do not.
- Well, where are they? They are next to the feet of Hermes.
What they daen there? I told you to get them, I told you I wanted to wear them.
- You did not.
- Aye, I did! No, you didnae No, you did not.
You gave me the instructions to get the winged sandals while I was describing the surroundings, - and I made it clear that - Naw.
Naw, naw, no, mate.
That is petty, that is petty.
It is not petty.
I advised you that I could not receive your instructions until But you heard me! You actually heard me tell you to get the winged sandals, and you left them behind without warning me, just to prove a point.
I did warn you, I did warn you.
No, look, here's what we're gonna dae, right? You could enter the maze to return to the marble hallway.
Aye, right, and add another £50 to my phone bill? Naw, mate, here's what's gonna happen, are you listening? - Yes.
- I'm gonna jump over that Chasm of Fire.
I'm going to reach the other side.
And I'm going to get that Black Ruby - You will not.
- I'd better, mate.
I'm gonna get to the other side and I'm gonna get that Black Ruby and I'm gonna get my two grand.
You will not make it, traveller.
I'd better, mate! I'm warning you.
Jump the Chasm.
You will need the winged sandals.
I've got them! I told you to get them, I've got them.
- Now, jump the Chasm.
- Traveller Jump the Chasm! OK.
You jump the Chasm.
You make a pitiful jump into the flames Nawwwww! You'd better no' have, mate! You are burnt to a cinder.
You are dead.
No! You're dead, mate, you're dead! You've just cost me two grand! You are a dead man.
I'm going to find out where you drink and you're a fu! We're ready to take another caller.
My name is Falconhoof, and I will be your guide on your quest.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Will you be ma da'? - (SCREAMING) You know what I hate? I hate that when I want crisps I get chips.
When I want fish and chips they come wi' fries.
I hate that the flats are noo called apartments.
I hate that sweets are noo called candy.
And I hate that instead of nippin' oot to the shops, you nip oot to the convenience store.
I hate it.
I hate when we use American words in place of words that we've already got for they words.
Just because it's cool.
Well, tell me, is this cool? There you've got an old woman, and she's needing her prescription for her chronic back pain and her bad heart.
But she's no' getting it, because she's looking for her chemist, the same chemist she's been gaun tae for the last 30 year.
But she cannae find it, because there in its place is Lloydspharmacy.
Lloydspharmacy! Some trendy cocktail bar, some trendy clathes shop called Lloydspharmacy.
Lloydspharmacy, one word.
And she's heading up the road, confused, thinking she's losing her marbles, and she's gaun tae her bed wi' her back killing her, and she's dying in her fucking sleep.
Noo, that's not cool, because that's oor granny.
That's your granny.
That's a'body's granny! (APPLAUSE) Whoo! Hey! Shit! I wanna have dinner with Gershwin You want to have dinner wi' Gershwin? The composer, George Gershwin? He's been deid for aboot 70 years.
What ye gonnae dae? Dig his corpse up and stick it at the end o' your dinner table? I want to watch Rembrandt sketch You want to watch Rembrandt sketch? He wouldnae let ye.
Artists are notorious for no' letting anybody see their work before it's finished, so I want to talk theory with Curie Curie? Marie Curie? You want to talk about the theory of radioactivity wi' Marie Curie? Donna, you wouldnae have a clue what she was on aboot.
Even if you could speak Polish.
Ooh, impossible, I guess You said it.
(TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH MUSIC PLAYS) (DISTANT VOICES) (THEY SPEAK MOCK LATIN) What's gaun oan here, like? We need to talk.
- What aboot? - I want to split up.
- Split up? Wha' for? - I'm fed up.
Really fed up.
I've been fed up for years.
We don't go oot, we don't dae anythin'.
I don't understaun, this is oot the blue.
I thought we were getting oan.
What's happened? Nothing's happened, that's what's wrang.
I feel like I feel like I'm We're no' We're no' what? What's wrang? Och, I don't know.
- I'm talking shite, just forget it.
- Is everything all right? Aye.
(PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE) Hello, reception.
- Cathy, have the police called today? - No.
Have they been in the building at any point? Not that I'm aware of.
Are you expecting them? No, no, not at all, just checking, thank you.
OK.
That's no call for complacency, the police could walk in the door at any moment, and you don't have a story.
"Hello, officer, how can I help you?" "Er, Mr Mulvaney, do you reside anywhere near the Drumchapel area of Glasgow?" "Drumchapel? Nowhere near it, fortunately.
Er, why?" "Ah, well, eh, last night an incident occurred between the hours of" "I see, well, that's, er, that's quite depressing.
"It's incidents like that that give Drumchapel a bad name.
"I hope you catch the chap.
" "Er, well, Mr Mulvaney, we actually have reason to believe that it was you who" "Me?! "Are you joking? "Officer, I'm 62 years of age.
"Why on earth would I vandalise a bus shelter?" "Er, well, written on the bus shelter was a name and it said" "But there must be thousands of Mulvaneys out there.
"What makes you think it was this one?" - Oh, that's good, that was - (PHONE RINGS) "And if I was to write my name on a bus shelter, officer, "I don't think I'd use a lighter.
" Cathy? Mr McMillan rang to say that the accounts are ready for you now.
Oh, that's great.
And Cathy, if the police do arrive, - you can just send them right on in.
- No bother.
"But officer, there must be thousands of Mulvaneys out there.
" Oh, that's go-o-o-o-od.
There are girls in your area! Girls in your area! Right here, right now! Girls! (ELECTRONIC THROBBING INCREASING IN PITCH) Oh, sometimes it's just a bit too pow! Pow! Do you know what I mean? All right, I tell you what we're gonna do, we're gonna get a divorce.
For what you did to me, we're gonna get a divorce, I'm gonna get the kids, and I'm gonna bring them up to hate you! Computer, locate this man.
Located.
- On screen.
- On screen.
Computer, activate the teleportation portal.
Activated.
Computer, position the destination portal just behind that lassie's arse, eh? Positioned.
Oh! Oh, no, this is childish.
This is childish.
If you're still using a phone box in this day and age, then you're either a drug addict or a drug dealer or something like that.
Fact.
She's here.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Dance for me.
(MUSIC PLAYS) That's it.
Do your little turn.
Yeah, that's it.
You got it.
You got it good! Yeah.
Yeah.
Do your little turn.
Dance, dance, dance! Yo, daddy-o.
Oh! Who, me? No, him.
Aye, these blondes.
You know, these blonde lassies.
That's aw you hear aboot a leggy blonde, a sexy blonde, innit? Aye.
Aye, well, here's what they don't tell ye.
See when wan aw them comes ower here frae Sweden - cos that's where they aw come frae - they cannae believe their luck.
All of a sudden, everybody wants their wicked way wi' them.
Whereas back hame, they don't get a second look.
- Do you want to know why that is? - Why? Cos, see in Sweden, d'you know what a blonde is? What? A ginger.
Blondes are ginger.
Shit! Fucking I was in ma kitchen, right? Checkin'to see if my T-shirt was dry, right? And I just burst oot laughin'.
Cos on the label of my T-shirt, it said "George" cos I got it frae Asda.
And it was as if, every time I leave the kitchen, everything in the kitchen springs tae life.
Like Toy Story.
And his name's George.
I was pissin'masel'.
Just imagine the slaggin'he must get frae the rest of the kitchen, like that, fuckin' Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry.
But then I thought, "Naw, maybe no'.
" Don't get me wrang, I've got nae doubt that his nickname's Georgie Porgie, but it might be one of they nicknames that they don't dare call him to his face, like Joe Bananas.
Cos if ye ever called Joe Bananas "Joe Bananas", he'd fuckin' go bananas.
Well, maybe if ye call Georgie Porgie "Georgie Porgie", he fuckin' goes bananas.
But then I thought, "Naw, maybe no'.
" Cos it's no' as if a T-shirt's gonnae be the hard man of the kitchen.
That would probably be the kitchen knife.
But then I thought, "Naw, haud oan.
" Kitchen knife in a fight against the frying pan - frying pan would win.
Kitchen knife in a fight against the chopping board - chopping board would win.
Chopping board widnae even feel it.
Chopping boards are made to no'gie a fuck aboot kitchen knives.
Kitchen knife in a fight against me? Aye, the kitchen knife would win then.
But I'm the only wan in the kitchen the kitchen knife would win against.
And I just thought that I bet the rest of the kitchen are onto that and pure take the piss oot the kitchen knife, bullyin'it, grog oan it.
And that got me worried.
Cos it reminded me of they schoolboys you get in America that get bullied.
But then they come into school wan day and kill everybody.
And cos I'm the only wan in the kitchen the kitchen knife can kill, aye, that got me worried.
So I just thought, "Look, you've came in, you've checked your T-shirt, "it's no'dry yet, just get oot and leave 'em tae it.
" Noo, I'm no'sayin'that my kitchen actually does come to life when I leave, right? I'm no'mental or anything.
But see as I was walkin'oot, see ma frying pan, I gave it a wee dunt.
I gave it a wee dunt in front of the kitchen knife.
Just in case.
One.
Two.
Three.
Pick a number.
If you picked two Square.
Circle.
Triangle.
Pick a shape.
If you picked triangle Red.
Green.
Blue.
Pick a colour.
If you picked red, you're out.
If you picked blue, you're out.
But if you picked green All right, folks, how are you doing? Aye, great to be here.
Thank you.
Oh, aye, look at this place Yes, er How are you doing, sir, all right? How are you doing? What's your name? Aye.
What do you do, mate? You're a? You're a? Ooooh! Whooo! Only kidding, mate.
Thanks for coming.
Aye.
What about you, mate? What's your name? What do you do? You're a? Oh, you're joking! Ye'll be able to I'm only kidding.
So, who's this? Are you two together, aye? That wee? Oh! I'm only kidding.
No, seriously, it's good to be here.
Absolutely fantastic.
I'll be honest with you, I've got I know.
One, two, three Right.
Oh, right! Aye, but So there I was the other day So I walks in.
Guy goes like that, you know So I says, er, "I don't know" Says, "Are you?" I says, "Who, me?" Thank you very much! Good night.
(HE CHUCKLES) Ahh! Are you finished in here? - What? - Are you finished in here? Aye, that's me finished.
(HE MOUTHS) I know what you're thinking, lads.
And I used to think the exact same thing masel'.
Why does every statue I see seem to have a bigger cock than me? Until I realised why.
Look.
Nae pubes.
Noo, it doesnae bother me at aw.
Ah! Well, ladies and gents, that's the end of the show.
Thanks for watching.
But before ye go, I'd like to leave you wi' a wee story aboot how ma auntie lost her sight.
She was aboot eight years auld.
An' she was sneakin' aboot her maw's bedroom, just tryin' on her make-up, and tryin' on her high heels, usual stuff that wee lassies dae.
An' she came across her maw's contact lenses.
Noo, back in they days, contact lenses were made o' glass.
Really dangerous to wear, especially for a wee lassie.
But ma auntie didnae know that.
So what she did was, she put this lens, this piece o' glass, on her eye.
A piece o' glass, it was the wrang size, wrang shape for her eyeball.
Then she blinked.
And what actually happened wis - and this is horrible - what actually happened wis Look at ye.
You'd love to know, wouldn't ye? You'd love to know.
Here's me aboot to tell ye how a wee lassie lost her sight efter puttin' a bit a glass in her eye.
And there's you, perched on the edge of your seat, like that, "Oh, yes, cannae wait to find oot what happens next! "Do continue, please, do go on.
" You know what the thing is, an' aw? I just made it up.
Just I don't know.
What's wrang wi' us? End o' the show.
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) - No.
Music aff.
Get (MUSIC FADES) What's wrang wi' us?