Little Britain (UK) s01e02 Episode Script

Britain, Britain.
Britain.
Land of tradition, fish and fries, the changing of the garden, trooping the coloureds.
But have you ever wondered about the people of Britain? Nor have I.
But this show aims to find out by following the lives of ordinary British folk.
What is them? Who do they? And why? Have you ever done it gay-wise? I have.
It's a hoot.
It's late three and woolly woofter Daffyd Thomas is popping into his local newsagents.
- Hello, Mrs Llewellyn.
- Oh, hello, Daffyd.
What can I do you for today? A quarter of bonbons and a copy of "Gay Times".
It's my only outlet.
- Is it not on the rack, love? - I couldn't see it.
- It must have gone, then.
- I'm sorry? I only get one in.
Somebody must have bought it.
I don't think so.
I think you'll find I am the only gay in this village.
Somebody definitely bought it yesterday.
It's got Hazel Dean in it and a very informative article on rimming.
- Who bought it? - Do you know, I can't remember.
- Think.
- Well, now, em - Come on, woman! - Let's think.
Who came in yesterday? - Dai Davis, the music master.
He might have.
- He's not gay.
He shares a cottage with the English master.
- They're just friends.
- No, he just bought "Vogue".
- See? He's not gay.
Who else? Quickly! - Father Hughes.
- A gay priest?! What planet are you on? - I remember! I was quite surprised, actually, because I had absolutely no idea he liked cock.
- Who? Who? - Well, I'd just popped next door for a bun - For the love of God, woman, tell me! - Noel Jones.
- Who? - The blacksmith.
Right! - Hello, Daffyd! - I'm commandeering this vehicle! (MUSIC: MALE VOICE CHOIR TO A DISCO BEAT) This is my gay right! Right! I want a word with you! What's this I've been hearing about Oh! Daffyd.
Daffyd Thomas.
You must be Noel.
No, I'm his brother, Rhys.
Noel? Well, I No, I left something in the oven.
It's late early evening and Lou is taking his friend Andy out for dinner.
The table's booked for seven.
We'd better get you dressed then, hadn't we? - Yeah.
- Now, what do you want to wear? - Smurf.
- Smurf? - You want to wear your Smurf outfit? - Yeah.
It's quite a smart restaurant.
I'm not really sure a Smurf outfit is appropriate for there.
- Yeah, I know.
- So what do you wanna wear? Smurf.
Mmm.
This Chinese food is delicious.
I look a pillock.
Do you do crisps? Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules.
No bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.
Excuse me.
Can I have a word? I've just been speaking to a little girl who says you pushed her in the pool.
Did you? No but, yeah but, no, what happened was you know the Redmond sisters? They found a verruca sock, put it in Carrie's bag and she had an eppy and turned up to Kamal Sharma's party with a compass and stabbed Kamal Sharma and Shelley Bentley gave Craig Sherman a blowy in the shallow end.
I asked if you pushed that girl in the pool.
No, I couldn't have done because I was with Michaela who was crying.
You know Dominic? He was meeting her to go to third base but lan Papworth, who I once got off with as a joke, nicked a whole bottle of Dubonnet and hid it in the woods, then threw it at a family of gypos.
- Did you push her in or not? - No, because I would never do that.
Once I heard that a man pushed a man and the man died.
You can ask him yourself.
Johnno tripped up Dean Hurst and he got 300 stitches in his face and when his mum found out she did her dirty business on his dad's Astra.
- Get out and go and get changed.
- I'm just going to have a wee first.
Be quick.
Right.
I'll go and get changed.
Don't go giving me evils! Bitch! - (WHISTLE) - Oh, shut up! At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, the boys are preparing to take a test.
Absolute silence while the test is in progress, please.
I don't want to hear a pin drop.
Right.
Now.
You may begin.
(SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC) Moonwhile, at this institution in Flatley, Dr Lawrence is showing an inspector round.
Currently we have 40 residential patients and, as you can see, we do like to keep things very relaxed.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! I'm not one of those who subscribes to keeping everyone under lock and key.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - I'll need those glasses back, Anne.
- Ultimately, it's all about trust.
- (PHONE RINGS) Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Fortunately, when I came here, I was able to gain, quite quickly, the respect of everybody - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - And It's all in the folder.
Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is in the middle of his morning briefing.
- Have the results of the opinion poll come? - Yeah, I've got them right here, Prime Minister.
What sort of things are people saying? Very happy with your work on Northern Ireland, strong approval on Health Service reforms and they'd like to see you in shorts.
- Shorts? - Yeah.
A pair of cycling shorts or something.
- Oh.
- They like your tough stance on crime.
And they like it when your hair's a bit wet, 'cause you look kind of soppy, Prime Minister.
- They'd like to see you wrestle a man.
- I'm sorry? Bosnia good, education could do better, wrestling men I've covered - Can I have a look at them? - Yeah, just right here.
Now, Railtrack.
Oh, you've got an eyelash.
Stay still, stay still.
Make a wish! Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner.
We're running very late.
Change here.
- Thank you, darling.
- Have you seen my earrings? I don't know.
Which ones? You do know Sebastian? - Hello, Sebastian.
- Hi (!) - Sorry.
We're having a meeting here! - Have you tried the bathroom? Now, don't be long.
- See you later, darling.
- I'm not going.
- I was talking to my wife.
- Bye, Sebastian.
Whatever (!) So, anyway, um Oh, God! I've completely forgotten what I was gonna say! - Thanks for coming in.
I should get changed.
- Yes, of course.
Of course.
- And you'll speak to the Foreign Secretary? - I'll get straight onto it, Prime Minister.
Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday because it's quite big? - Yes, Sebastian.
Now, if you don't mind - Quick, Prime Minister! Get down! - What's going on? - I thought there was a sniper.
- Where? - By the window, but there isn't.
Can we get up now? Give it a minute.
This is the communal garden and we all look after it together.
Eh! Eh! Ehh! Anne there has decided those flowers might look better Where are you gonna put them, Anne? Ehhh! Ehhh! Just there.
Visitors often say do we have a team of professional gardeners? Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - Anne is particularly fond of this tree.
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello? I'm just in the middle of something at the moment.
Can I call you back? OK.
Bye-bye.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Eh! Ehhh! Ehhhhh.
Clients do find it very therapeutic, too.
Sssh! Come on! (WHOOSH OF VACUUM CLEANER) In Herby, Lou is making some changes to his friend Andy's bathroom.
So, I'm gonna put these here and here, OK? Yeah.
Why? - So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
- Yeah, I know.
- So we think one here.
Yes? - Yeah.
- And one here.
Yes? - Yeah.
- I'll have to drill into the wall, you know.
- Yeah, I know.
- Could you, er, pass me the drill? - No, I can't reach it.
Right, I've finished.
Do you want to come and have a look? Yeah.
Right.
Heh, heh, heh.
Here we go.
- Ta-da! What do you reckon? - Yeah, I like it.
What's it for? - So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
- Yeah, I know.
- Do you want to try it out? - Yeah.
All right.
I will leave you to it.
- How are you getting on? - Yeah, fine.
(TOILET FLUSHES) This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
Books were introduced into Britain in the 1950s.
Early books had no words or pictures, but nowadays the book world is thriving with over seven books published every year.
and with that Clarence took Amelia into his arms, held her and kissed her, like a woman had never been kissed before.
The end! Truffle, I think.
How many pages, Miss Grace? - 76.
- Oh.
Then they went to the shops for a bit.
Didn't really see anything they liked, came home and had a bit of a kiss and cuddle.
The end! Do you know, I think I'll have a truffle.
Oh! There was a full box here this morning.
You've been scoffing again, haven't you? - I haven't touched them.
- I've got my eye on you.
Then they watched a very long television programme which took up lots of pages.
The end! How many pages? Still not enough, I'm afraid.
Let's come back to that one.
What's it called? Uh, "Lady In White".
Well, let's start another one.
"The Lady In Mauve.
" Chapter One The end! This is the newly built St God's hospital in Shireshire, which was opened just last year by Dame Rhona Cameron.
Nasty.
Go through there, up the stairs.
- We'll give it another minute, then we'll go.
- Is this Katy's room? Oh, David! David Soul! Thank you so much for coming.
- I got your letter.
If I can be any help - Just being here will make a huge difference.
How are you, sweetheart? How's she doing? Oh, she's all right, but, David Soul, tell us about you.
- Any more "Starsky and Hutch" in the pipeline? - Not currently.
What about a new album? It's been a while since 1997's "Leave A Light On".
Maybe, er, maybe next year.
I'm focusing on acting right now.
- Oh, yeah, 'cause we saw you in "Holby City".
- Yeah, we couldn't believe it.
We said, "There's David Soul in 'Holby City'!" Couldn't believe it.
You still in touch with Huggy Bear? Christmas cards.
- Better get the address right.
- Why's that? - Otherwise it might go to Yogi Bear! - Don't mind him, David.
- I'm just having a laugh, Dave.
- It's just his way.
He's just playing with you.
So, so tell me What does Katy want to do when she grows up? Don't know, David.
She's quite ill.
# Don't give up on us, baby # Just give us one more try # # Come on, Silver Lady, say the words # Do da do da do # # When I need you # I just close my eyes and I feel you # - Leo Sayer.
- Stupid cow.
- Oh, I nearly forgot.
Pass the LP.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Ask him to sign.
- David Soul Would you mind signing your LP for us, please? - Thank you.
- Is that Is that Katy with a 'y'? No, it's Joan with a 'j'.
- And Rod.
Just Rod.
- Hi.
David Essex is in reception.
- We're going to have to hurry you out, David.
- I hope you don't mind.
- It's a real pleasure to meet you both.
- Absolutely.
- And I do hope that Katy gets better soon.
- I'm sure she will.
- Thank you, David Soul.
- Thank you.
Through there.
- What's he put? - "To Rod and Jane.
Screw you.
David Soul.
" Must be an American thing.
Community centres in Britain are ideal places for all kinds of groups to meet.
It's half past Tula and Marjorie Dawes is taking her weekly "FatFighters" class.
Now, a little bird told me that somebody, and I'm not gonna name any names, has been going around saying they've followed the diet and haven't been losing any weight and that "FatFighters" is just a rip-off.
Well, in answer to this shit-stirrer we have got a special visit from the "FatFighters" Slimmer of the Year.
His name is Cliff Roberts.
Before I bring him out, just have a look at this.
This is what he used to look like.
There we go.
Have a look at that.
And these, would you believe, are his trousers? So please welcome the "FatFighters" Slimmer of the Year, Cliff Roberts! - Can I have my, uh? - Yeah.
Now, you are Slimmer of the Year because you lost the most weight out of anybody.
- How much did you lose? - Three stones and nine pounds.
Three stones and nine pounds! See? - And how much do you weigh now? - Er, 19 stones and one pound.
Yeah.
OK, let's just get this into perspective.
Come and stand by your cut-out for a minute.
There we go.
You'd hardly recognise him, would you? Sit back down.
Now, what we all want to know is how you came to lose all this weight.
Basically, I just ate sensibly and exercised.
- And the special "FatFighters" range helped? - No, they're a waste of Good! So what would you say to someone who's a bit of a Judas and who's thinking of leaving "FatFighters"? - Being around other people who are also - Don't say it to me, say it to him.
Having other people around you who are also trying to lose weight gives you that extra boost, so if you wanna lose weight, keep coming.
Yeah.
You fat shit! - I'd not call him that.
It lowers self-esteem.
- No.
So, uh Oh, they're like tits, aren't they? We do eat together and I think that's good for everybody.
We're not trying to implement any sort of hierarchical structure here.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - Thank you, Anne.
I think it's no small tribute that when people come and see us, they say, "Who are the doctors and who are the patients?" - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - When the Chief Medical Officer came It was either August or Yes, it was August.
He said the same thing and that was a real lift to everybody who works here, you know.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - That was really good.
So we find We're not ready for coffee just yet, Anne, but thank you.
Or tea.
You don't want tea now, Dr Beagrie, do you? No, I do find that if you can break down some of these barriers, you really would be amazed at some of the results.
We had somebody come and see us recently.
- Ooooh.
- They'd had a troubled time.
They were quite distressed when they came.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - They'd been in and out of hospital We can talk about this later.
Meanwhile, Jason is joining his friend Gary for Sunday luncheon.
It is the law in Britain that on Sundays everybody must eat a roast.
The most popular meats are beef, lamb, pork and bat.
- Come in.
- Something smells nice.
- You know Julie.
- Hi.
- And you remember me nan.
- Oh, yeah.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) - Have a seat.
- Grub's up.
Hi, Jason.
Hiya.
Sorry I'm late.
- Oh, I forgot the salt! - Oh, let me, Mrs Leigh.
I can't remember the last time we had someone over for Sunday lunch.
Well, it's just nice to spend time with you all.
Wine, anybody? Not for me, thanks.
Lovely.
Nice potatoes, Mum.
- Is that the dog? - Is what the dog? - I can feel something under the table.
- I put him out earlier.
So you got a girlfriend, then, Jason? No, I haven't.
I'm single currently.
- Mum, you've got gravy all down yourself.
- Oh, dear.
(MUM) Honestly! I've got more meat, more peas, more carrots.
And I can do more gravy if anyone wants.
- I'm all right, thanks, Mum.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Well, there's more if anyone wants.
- (COUGHING) - What's the matter, Mum? Something must have gone down the wrong way.
Mum, you all right? Gary, get your nan a glass of water! It's OK, it's OK.
(NAN WHEEZES) Oh, oh, oh.
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh.
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhhh That's got it.
- (COUGH) - Shhh! (FIREWORK WHIZZES AND EXPLODES) Chinese food was invented by Professor Stewart Tennant in 1986 and has been very popular ever since.
We're just out for a nice, quiet meal.
Can you please not mention the whole you know what? - What's that? - You know, Liz.
- What? That I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid? - Yes! Sometimes it just comes up in conversation.
Let's see if we can have an "I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid"-free night tonight.
- All right, then, Clive.
- Can I take your order? Are you being served or shall I go first? - Liz! - I'll have the seaweed to start.
That's my boy! And I'll have the sesame prawn toast.
Prawns! That's what I had at Molly's wedding! Molly Sugden's wedding.
I was the bridesmaid.
- And for the main course? - Eh, we'll have a 27, a 108 - and the egg fried rice, please.
- Yes, she's very nice, very down to earth.
Quite different from the snooty Mrs Slocombe.
And before you ask, no, the wedding dress wasn't from Grace Brothers, perish the thought! - From Grace Brothers! Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Liz! - People want to know! - It's boring! That's life.
Now, do us all a grace and favour and shut up.
- And to drink? - I'll just have a beer, please.
I'll have a glass of Molly.
I mean, water! Sorry, did someone say "Molly Sugden"? That woman from "Are You Being Served?"? Um I think she's in that one.
Is that the one she's in, Clive? She's very funny with all those jokes about her cat.
I'll get your drink.
If he asks me one more question about Molly Sugden, I shall scream! Molly Sugden! Meanwhile, at St God's hospital # Bye-bye, baby, baby, goodbye # Bye-bye, baby, don't make me cry # - Nothing.
- Do another one.
I'll do What about? # Give a little love, take a little love # No, she doesn't really like that one.
- # Shang-a-lang # - Oh, yeah.
She likes that.
# Shang-a-lang # Shang-a-lang # Shang-a-lang # Roughly one second later in the northern town of Scoffage - Yeah? - Sam? Sam Bailey? - Yeah.
- I'm here to give you your driving lesson.
- Thought you'd come to arrest me.
My jacket.
- I'm afraid you'll have to come now.
- You're not a policeman, then? - Early retirement.
Forced into it.
Terrible.
- Are you still allowed to wear the uniform? - My other clothes are in the wash.
Here she is.
The Duchess.
Get in, soft lad.
Eh? Thick as a puddle! - Put your foot down! - What?! Faster! - Isn't it a 30-mile-an-hour limit? - What speed are you doing? - 72.
- Stop the car! - Is this your vehicle, sir? - No, it's yours.
- Driver's licence.
- I rather hoped you could help with that one.
Oh, dear.
We've got a comedian.
Blow into this.
Give us that here! - What's this? - A poodle? No, I'll tell you! It's a boy racer! Just turned 17, thinks he's Nicki Lauda! - I've got me eye on you! - All right! Now, on your way, you black bastard! Lan? I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter and he says they're only measuring from the top of the head down.
- What shall we do? - Go for a drink.
So what have we learned from this evening's programme? That some ducks have bells and some don't, that murder isn't morally wrong and, most importantly, we've learned how to tell a goblin from a hobgoblin.
Goodbyeeeee!