Lodge 49 (2018) s01e02 Episode Script
Moments of Truth in Service
1 [ ELECTRONIC CHIRP .]
- Hey.
- All right, you made it.
Want a beer? MAN ON TV: Run, my creation! [LAUGHTER.]
All right.
Have a good flight.
- See ya.
- Bye.
Bye.
[SNAKE HISSING.]
[GROANS.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Uhh.
Aah! MAN: And finally, Your Honor, last week I caught him just sitting in his car across the street, watching us.
I chased him off, but he came back later that night and jumped in our pool.
He was wasted and screaming his head off.
Our son can't sleep.
He's worried about this guy breaking into our house.
Your Honor, I know he used to live there, and I am sorry for whatever happened, but this has to stop.
Mr.
Dudley, you can respond.
Well, first of all, let me just say how embarrassed I am that it's come to this.
There's really no excuse for my behavior.
And I don't know.
Something happens to you when you lose your job.
And it's just afternoons are hard.
Not doing what you usually do.
So you start to feel a little a little weird, a little guilty, you know.
And 2:00 2:00, 2:00's the worst.
It's just the way the light hits ya.
You know, it gets under your skin.
And, you know, it can make you, make you go a little crazy.
You know? [LAUGHS.]
Now does that that make any sense or No.
Look, the point the point is, is that I was drinkin'a lot, uh, you know, it wasn't the fun kind of drinking either.
Uh, but I'm on a better path now, Your Honor.
I recently entered the Order of the Lynx.
Is that a rehab facility? No.
No, it's a secret society.
It's not secret, secret, you know, you can Google 'em or whatever.
But it was founded in 1866 by Harwood Fritz Merrill.
Mr.
Dudley, this is the last hearing before lunch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
I'm sorry.
Um, I have an appointment with a temporary employment agency.
So I am trying, Your Honor.
But most of all, what I really wanna say to you guys is I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
The idea of your kid being scared like that's it's the worst thing I can ever possibly imagine.
So I was lucky to grow up in that house.
And I kind of dreamed of raising a family of my own one day in there.
But I guess all I care about now is that your son is as happy in there as I was.
So I won't come back.
I promise.
Your Honor, I think he means what he says.
Maybe at this point, the best thing to do is drop the the complaint.
Beautiful.
Lunch.
Uh, hey, thank you for understanding.
And now that, you know, we're all cool, I'd love to make it up to you guys and maybe I could, you know, bring over some burgers, crank up the BBQ, how does that sound? - Are you serious? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Why not? - Why not? Because no.
- Okay.
- It is our house now.
- Okay, yeah.
Okay, private property.
It's your hou oh, it's private property? You know what? Why don't you paint the house puke yellow? - Your damn right I will.
- You know what? My dad he busted his ass for 30 years paying for those rose bushes.
I don't give a shit about your dad! - Okay, you know what? - Yeah, what? What? - Hey, you know what, man? - Ah, ah, ah, ah! - Oh, my God! - Out of the way! Tell me about your strengths.
My strengths? [SNIFFS.]
Uh, well, as you can see, my test scores indicate that my strengths are certainly not PowerPoint or Excel.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, um if you don't hear from me in the next six or seven weeks, feel free to give me a call.
[CHUCKLES.]
- MAN: Your résumé for me? - MAN #2: Yeah, here you go.
MAN ON RADIO: Stone walked halfway across the bridge.
Down below, moonlight shimmered on the dark waters of the Vltava River.
The cocaine was wearing off, - and the night felt empty.
- [MOTOR REVVING.]
- Now more than ever - [SWITCH CLICKS.]
[MOTOR RUMBLES, IDLES.]
2 grand.
It's all there.
Hey, didn't you play fullback at Poly? I played baseball at Poly.
My senior year, I was All-CIF.
Well, you know, honorable mention.
- [ENGINE REVVING.]
- You need a helmet! [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Hey.
How's Larry? Heard he's back in the hospital.
He's fine.
s Larry? Getting all fixed up.
It's weird seeing you out here alone.
You know, if anything happens, come see me about a memorial bench.
Listen, man, he's not dead, okay? You're next, Ernie.
- What? - Tee's open.
You're up.
[CART WHIRRING.]
I got 3 calls this morning before 10 a.
m.
- I'm sick of it.
- You're past due.
You're already garnishing my wages.
Like, what more do you want from me? - [TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
- Um Well, your monthly payments went up.
Didn't you get the letters we sent? No, I burned them.
I don't know what else to tell you.
It was all part of the agreement you signed.
No.
I-I co-signed to help my dad.
He didn't tell me how bad things were, and then he checked out.
He died and left me with this mess.
I'm so sorry.
It's 80 grand.
It could be worse.
Do you have debt? Oh, um, student loans.
Luckily, I was able to defer those for a long time.
You took out loans to become a loan officer? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well done.
You're living the dream.
Well, if you think things are bad now, wait until we sell your debt to a third party collector.
- What? - Unless you start catching up, it will probably happen in the next month or so.
And I promise you, those guys will make your life a living hell.
I promise you.
- [HUFFS.]
- Thank you for coming in.
Take a mug if you'd like.
They're free.
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[RING.]
[RING.]
[BEEP.]
MAN: Hello, you've reached the Lynx Lodge 49.
- Please leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
DUD: Hey.
Is anyone in there? It's Dud again, you know, from the other from the other night.
I kind of wish you guys would post your hours.
[LAUGHS.]
Anyway, listen, Ernie, if you get this, I'm ready to get started on my journey toward knighthood or squiredom or whatever.
Anyway, I'm sure you guys got more important things going on, so I hope Larry's doing better.
Okay, call me back.
It's Dud.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Here you go, guys.
Whenever you're ready.
- Thank you so much.
- WOMAN: Thanks.
Jeremy wants to see you in his office.
Why? [KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR CREAKS.]
Hey, you wanted to see me? Hey, Sarah says that this looks ridiculous.
What do you think? I mean, she told our therapist.
[LAUGHS.]
Our therapist.
She couldn't even tell me directly.
I mean, that's part of the problem right there, right? It's really busy right now.
I should probably be out there.
No, no, no.
Just if you could, you know, sit, come.
[SIGHS.]
So [SIGHS.]
You can probably guess what this is about.
Look, they were gonna get rotten anyway, and I figure I might as well just take them.
Take what? The avocados.
You've been stealing avocados? - Yes.
- I don't care.
Take as many as you want.
They're the good kind of fat.
Oh.
So why am I here? Look, this is hard.
Okay, um I've decided to promote Karen to assistant manager.
That's fine.
Yeah, I know you've been here for a year, and she's only been here for three months, but it is all political.
Omni HQ likes Karen because she did the calendar.
But I told them that you were the best we had in terms of brute labor.
Jeremy, seriously, it's fine.
I don't want a promotion.
- Why not? - Because the bank will take it.
I need to be on tables.
I need the cash.
That's a relief.
I-I thought you were gonna be mad at me.
No.
Never.
Bring it in for a hug.
- No.
- Okay.
Fair enough.
But listen, we also hired a new girl.
Or young woman.
She's gonna be shadowing you this week.
Okay.
And I told her that she's gonna be working with Liz Dudley.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Queen of Shamroxx.
Long story short, it's a bit of a mess.
Obviously, Mooch buys a lot of china.
So we need to fix this ASAP.
You mean, I need to fix this.
Mooch is my customer.
Exactly.
That's why I'm counting on you.
Why the hell would you quote him that price? - Are you insane? - I don't know.
It was me and Mooch like the old days.
Paradise Lounge has that happy hour with the oysters.
We were having a blast.
I didn't wanna ruin the mood.
So now, I get to jump on the grenade.
Thank you for your service to our country.
Okay, next item on the agenda Gleeson Pipe is sponsoring a sport fishing day.
Some charter boat out to San Clemente Island.
It's a big jerk-off for their plumbers.
They've reserved a spot for me and one more.
- What do you say, Beautiful Jeff? - I'm in.
Whoa.
I make the ultimate sacrifice, and Beautiful Jeff gets to go on a cruise? That's right, you old piece of shit.
Beautiful Jeff is having a better year than you.
Only because he's slinging Pex to all the Korean export guys in Cerritos.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Pex Pipe is the future.
I'm the future.
You'll be dead soon.
Pex Pipe is lightweight garbage.
That's why you can sell it.
Lightweight.
Hmm.
Look at this.
[LAUGHS.]
That's all cosmetic.
You're a mannequin.
This is the real thing.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Right here.
Real human man flesh.
Fine.
Let's do this.
You do more than me, you can take the cruise.
[LAUGHS.]
- MAN: Oh! [ CHUCKLES .]
- MAN #2: Yeah.
Easy peasy, bitch.
MAN: All right.
Here we go.
- I could do this all day! - Ahh! - BOTH: Ahh! - [MEN SHOUTING AT ONCE.]
[GULPING.]
I'm impressed, Ernie.
I thought you were gonna die of a heart attack.
Not bad for an old man.
Thanks.
Have fun on the high seas.
Hey.
Where's my commission check? Any day now.
You're still my butter and egg man.
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Hmm.
- Here we go.
Pistols at dawn.
- Come now, Mooch.
You know we can't give you that price.
It's too late.
I already quoted Bob's price to Glen at TC Mechanical, and he wants to put in a big order.
So the market is set.
Goddamnit.
[SIGHS.]
I'll take the hit with the factory, okay? [BAG RUSTLES.]
So, um, I hear you know something about the Orbis redevelopment.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
I'm just riding rumors like everyone else.
[CRUNCHES, MOUTH FULL.]
What are you hearing? Everybody's waiting for Captain to send up smoke signals.
If I could just chase Captain down, I could get our lines spec'd early.
[LAUGHS.]
Good luck.
I mean, every plumber and wholesaler in SoCal is gonna be chasing this project.
It's the Holy Grail.
[MACHINE BEEPING IN DISTANCE.]
Got this in '81 at the Cuckoo's Nest.
I was 13.
My older brother snuck me in.
We went mad dog in the pit.
And then after the show, a couple skinheads jumped us.
One of them had a knife.
[MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND.]
He got me.
And my brother lit his ass up with a piece of rebar.
It all evens out.
So that's Champ.
And this is Gerson.
He's bussing our section today.
If he slacks, feel free to screw him on tips.
And I don't slack unless I'm high or having weird emotions.
Okay, let's go.
Kill floor awaits.
You're in great hands, Heather.
Liz is the best.
So did you read the training manual? Grooming standards and all that? I did, yes.
This is a place of glamour and fun.
Never forget that.
I don't really understand the motto, though, "Moments of truth in service.
" Oh, I know.
It's just high-level corporate poetry.
It just means anticipating the needs of customers.
So, in about five minutes, those guys are gonna want another pitcher and knowing that is my Shamroxx moment of truth.
Maybe someday, you'll have one of your own.
MAN: Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo! So, are you in school? I am.
Um, I'm actually taking business classes at Golden West.
My cousin and I are going to open a hair salon.
- Oh, entrepreneurs.
- Oh, we're trying.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- So what about you? - What are you doing? - I'm working here.
The nurses we talked to seemed worried.
Larry's not responding well.
He's still really out of it.
Those doctors are useless.
The refuse to administer the supplements I provided.
So I had to do it sub rosa.
How is he with you, Ernie? Me? Fine.
I mean, I haven't had a chance to go over since the surgery.
I've been busy.
Besides, it's just bypass surgery.
- Quadruple bypass.
- Yeah.
Right, they knock those things out every day.
Larry's gonna be fine.
I'm going tomorrow afternoon.
I'm sorry, Ernie, but I think we gotta prepare for the worst.
Yeah, I went to Harbor Municipal.
I put a deposit on a memorial bench.
What? No, stop it.
You guys are trying to bury him alive.
You haven't seen him, Ernie.
Then there's everything that's happening here.
We got to get in touch with London.
We need to let them know what's going on.
- Scott - Ernie, there are strict protocols - for appointing a new S.
P.
- Scott, just listen.
I wasn't supposed to say anything, but last week, Larry told me he's stepping down.
He's finally making me Sovereign Protector.
- No way.
- [LAUGHS.]
Congratulations.
- Love you, too.
Love you, too.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, yeah.
- Way to go, man.
Yeah, but I but I mean, London should still be involved, right? I mean, they might hey, um, look, there are other worthy candidates.
I'm just saying we shouldn't get too far ahead of ourselves on this.
If it'll make you feel better, Scott, I'll call London, and we'll sort it all out, okay? Anything else? Uh, Sean Dudley called.
Left another message.
Are you gonna be working with him? I guess so.
We sort of mentioned it the other night.
I'd reach out.
He might lose interest.
These are fish bones.
Look at this.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
Oh, my gosh.
As far down as you can see.
[DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS.]
[KEYS CLATTER.]
Lizard.
They gave me a restraining order.
- Jesus.
For how long? - Three years.
The judge said their attacks on me were justified.
I told you to let me come with you.
[CRUNCHING.]
Why? Because you were a paralegal for 10 minutes? Because I could've helped.
You need help, Dud.
Look.
It's been a year, okay? - It's time - Yeah.
Well, you know what? You can't have a funeral without a body.
So shut it.
There will never be a body, okay? It's not an excuse anymore.
What are you doing? Dud.
Get out of my room.
I am so tired of your depressing shit.
I don't need help.
You need help.
- [DOOR BANGS.]
- I don't need help! I took responsibility like an adult! And guess what, Dud? It was depressing, but you don't get a - pass! - Ow! Ow.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Ohh.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[PRESSING BUTTONS.]
[LINE BEEPS.]
MAN: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Lodge 1, London.
Hi.
I'm Ernie Fontaine.
The Luminous Knight at Lodge 49 in Long Beach, California.
Oh, yeah.
Lodge 49, one of our success stories.
What? You have one of the most robust memberships in North America.
Wow.
Okay.
I'm calling because we're about to go through the whole succession thing.
I think our Sovereign Protector, Larry Loomis, has been in touch.
He's stepping down and giving me the throne.
I see.
We haven't actually heard from Mr.
Loomis, but thank you for telling us.
Really? Well What happens now? You guys send out an emissary, right? Uh, wherever possible, we like to oversee transitions.
You can expect a visitor in the next few weeks.
Uh, until then, take care, Mr.
Fontaine.
And congratulations.
Thank you.
[COUGHS.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine 40, 41, 42.
WOMAN: It's open.
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
I just had a call from Lodge 49 in California.
They're doing succession.
Huh, okay.
I just sent Anil to Marseille, and Clara has her surgery, so I guess I'm sending you.
Oh.
Okay.
Is there a problem? No, it's just a very long flight, and [SIGHS.]
I have tickets to the Ashes.
Jocelyn, when we made you an emissary, - it was understood that you'd - I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'll start the paperwork immediately.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
One, two, three, four, five We're a manufacturer's rep.
Basically, the middle man between the factory and the wholesaler.
[CRUNCHES.]
But I spend a lot of time chasing down plumbers trying to get them to buy our lines from the wholesaler.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Anyway, we rep 20 lines.
Toilets, faucets, brass, PVC pumps.
Nice.
It's not as exciting as it sounds.
But it used to be.
Before the crash, I could write business all day.
Now everything is just a hustle.
[MOUTH FULL.]
Oh.
What kind of pumps do you sell? - Morley.
- Morley.
Yeah.
It's a good line.
It's easy to install.
So you don't work on pools at all anymore? No.
No, I all my gear got liquidated, so I can't really do heavy maintenance with my foot.
Ah.
Right.
Yeah.
But it's cool.
You know.
I just need to find somethin' to keep me busy, until I figure out how to how to get my dad's shop back.
[SIPS.]
So your postulancy.
Yes.
My postulancy.
So what's next? Well, we'll keep meeting up, and you'll need to track down Blaise.
He'll get you started on the alchemy and philosophical stuff.
There'll be a few things you need to memorize.
But honestly, you could take it or leave it.
Most people leave it.
And how long does it take to become a squire? Like, a few months or weeks or Well, it depends.
Once we can see that you are dedicated, there's a whole secret ceremony.
Cool, a secret What happens at the ceremony? Well, I can't tell you that.
But basically, there's a solemn oath, and then, we will begin to entrust you with the mysteries.
Entrusted with the mysteries.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- That's That's so cool.
That's all I ever wanted.
We usually order a pizza or something afterwards.
Cool.
- Thank you for everything.
- Mm.
- Thank you, Dud.
- And tell Larry hello for me.
Whoa, whoa.
Actually, I've got a work emergency.
Is there a chance if you're not doing anything, could you go by and see Larry? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
- Maybe read a book to him? - Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, that'd be no problem.
If Larry hits me, I'll just hit him back.
[LAUGHS.]
[SCANNER BEEPS.]
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
[COINS CLATTER.]
You are the first guy under 50 I've seen check out one of these.
Oh, it's not for me.
It's for a friend.
He's an old Vietnam vet.
- See? The old guys love Tom Stone.
- [BEEP.]
- [BEEP.]
- He's a boxer and art dealer and a secret agent.
Okay.
Enjoy.
Yeah.
Hi.
"At midnight, Pavel entered the lobby.
"It was now or never.
"Stone reached into his overcoat, took the safety off his .
228 just in case.
" The True Lodge sent you.
[SIGHS.]
Ernie did.
I'm S I'm Sean.
You met me at the Lodge the other night.
Do Do you remember? Remember, you you really And I thought she was crazy.
I didn't believe her.
- Who? - Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, Ernie told me to come by, so Really? Well, that's incredibly nice of you.
Is is Ernie coming? - No.
No, he's got a work thing.
- Work.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Ernie.
I need to talk to Ernie.
He's not here, Lar.
But hey, he told us the news.
- He did? - Oh, don't worry.
No, no, no.
He's gonna call London and take care of everything.
You just need to rest.
You don't need to stay.
I'm just gonna sit here and work.
I'll keep him company.
Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Good idea.
[CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR.]
[LOWERED VOICE.]
Hey, does Larry have any family - that ever stops by? - Nah.
He's an old bachelor.
- Oh.
- Doesn't have any family.
Just the Lodge.
All right, well [LOUDLY.]
See you, Lar.
[BIRDS CAWING.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, Liz! I, uh, I got some toilet paper.
I used the coupon you gave me.
[DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS.]
Hey Hey, Liz.
Hey, Liz.
I got the toilet paper.
Liz? What do you wanna do for dinner? [FOIL RUSTLES.]
He's a he's a really nice guy, too.
It's funny.
We both have a backgroundo.
In residential hydronics.
Yes! More parasailing.
Ha.
That is the only way you can truly get to know someone.
It sounds like Ernie deals more with fixtures like faucets and sinks and toilets and that kind of thing.
Get ready, Caitlin, for the greatest adventure of your life.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
Liz, I think I got a crush on somebody.
You are not Caitlin's type.
No, no.
Not Caitlin.
It's It's for real.
It's she works at the library.
- [TV TURNS OFF.]
- A librarian.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Yeah, I know.
It's awful.
Is she mousy? How mousy is she? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Is she an actual mouse? Yes, she's an actual mouse.
This is progress.
You're rejoining the world.
- Yeah.
- Have you talked to her yet? Uh, just today.
- Okay.
- I'm afraid if I keep going back there, she's gonna think I'm some sort of, like, creepy stalker person.
Mm.
Well, you do have a restraining order against you.
So It's for it's for civil harassment.
- Yeah.
- So that's different.
- The best kind.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ah.
It's just been so long.
I guess I just stopped thinking about that sort of thing this year, you know? Yeah.
I know what you mean.
And to be honest, it's been a while since I You know.
You know.
Listen to me, you just need to get it over with.
Go up to the desk and ask her out.
- Be direct.
- Yeah.
- Okay, yeah, direct.
- Mm.
I'm telling you, something's going on at Orbis.
I wanna go after Captain.
If we can get with him on this Orbis deal Come on, Ernie, you're never gonna get to Captain.
He lives in a different world.
Developers, architects.
With these big money guys at the top, it's all shadows and secret handshakes.
That's not us.
We're simple men.
We just need to keep our wholesalers happy.
- What are you trying to prove? - Nothing.
Is this because you got torched by Beautiful Jeff? I don't know.
[SCOFFS.]
I just need this.
I'm tired of the nickel and dime.
These big projects just never pan out.
I'm just saving you a ton of hassle.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- [SCANNER BEEPS.]
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Sean.
I came in here yesterday.
What can I help you with? [GROANS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
[SCANNER BEEPS.]
ALICE: Hey, did you hear? Somebody found a seal wandering down Willow Street.
Really? I guess he got lost and swam up the channel.
Animal rescue said it happened a few times now.
Something about rising water temperatures.
I'll be right back.
This is 900 square feet.
- Really? - Yeah.
Give or take.
Hello, gentlemen.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hi, Sean.
Colby, this is Sean Dudley.
His dad was the previous tenant.
- Cool.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So, what kind of what kind of shop you opening up here, huh? Vape lounge.
Nice.
Vape lounge.
Vape city.
Love it.
Just what we need - [Pants unzip - in this town [GRUNTS.]
- [URINATING.]
- is one more vape lounge.
[GROANS.]
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Hey, how's it going? - Okay, thanks.
- Oh, Heather's a natural.
She doesn't need me anymore.
Huh.
Oh, my God.
Jeremy, who is this? This is Floyd.
Hi.
He's beautiful.
Can I hold him? Sure.
Here, get under his arms right there.
Oh! Whoa! Hello! - Got him? Okay.
- Heather, your order's up.
Hey, can you hold him for a sec? No.
I don't like holding babies.
Oh, come on.
Look how cute he is.
[ SINGSONGY .]
You know you wanna hold him.
["CARD TABLE" BY HOLLY GOLIGHTLY PLAYING.]
Yeah, I'm thinking MAN: Whoo-hoo! Let your head spin [GRUNTS.]
The nights are long, the days are gone [DOOR CLOSES.]
And you don't know what place you're in - Where's she going? - [DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS.]
What the hell did you say to her? DUD: So this is Lodge 1 in London where Harwood Fritz Merrill's buried? That's the allegorical picture.
Merrill actually painted that one.
Right.
And he's buried with the golden book.
The allegorical golden book.
Yeah, the one he found in the desert with all the secret formulas for alchemy and the universal elixir that can turn, um, that can turn lead into gold.
That's the allegorical history.
There's a lot of legend surrounding Merrill.
Um, they're fun, but we actually know a lot about the actual man.
He was badly wounded in the Crimean War, spent the next 10 years wandering around Europe, and the Mediterranean until he went to London and founded the Order.
For him, alchemy was a metaphor for the transformation of the soul.
In alchemy, we ask the question, how can you get something from nothing? So he didn't turn lead into gold? Um [INHALES DEEPLY.]
That's a metaphor.
Listen, Merrill believed there were two kinds of alchemists.
First is the charlatan who was just looking for a shortcut to fortune.
And the next was the true philoso ow! Ah.
- Oh.
Oh, whoa.
- Aah.
Aah.
- Uh, are you okay? That's - Uh-huh.
Ah.
Um the true philosopher, who used that world out there as a beautiful text just waiting to be deciphered.
We just need to learn how to look at it with the right eyes.
Okay? It's bingo night.
I have to set up the Throne Room for the bluehairs.
Well, I can I can help.
Okay.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- In here.
You, uh, need some more No, I'm good, thanks.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
- Let's see here.
[HYMNAL MUSIC PLAYING, LOCK TURNING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
So so this this is the Throne Room? - This is the Throne Room.
- Oh, yeah.
Start with chairs and then we'll go get the tables.
Okay.
- Ah.
- Um I'm glad you're here.
You know, people have a hard time committing to joining.
Yeah, well, I hate to say it, but it might help if you lower your membership fee.
I know.
200 bucks is a little steep.
You mean $2,000.
If it was $2,000, no one would be here.
[CHAIRS CLATTERING.]
[CHAIR THUDS.]
["DOWN PNX" BY WHITE FENCE PLAYING.]
Addicted to feeling up Nausea, merry we go On round pistol planet, and "I'm so sorry" I'm down, so down [HORN HONKS.]
[HORN HONKS.]
What? There's no place for us to go.
[HORN HONKING.]
Are you blind? There's no place for any of us to go! Huh? Well, you honk your little horn again.
Huh? There's no place to go! [BRAKES SQUEAL.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
[EXHALES.]
Okay.
[WATER SPLASHING.]
[CLACKING.]
[AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING.]
[SEABIRDS CALLING.]
Right back the way you came, darling.
Can't miss it.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]
Hey, there you are.
Bingo night still a source of revenue if you can believe it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Blaise told me you took off earlier.
Is everything okay? You owe me 2 grand.
I never thought you'd show up with all that money.
But you took it.
I've got a commission check coming.
I'm going to pay you back.
I was always going to pay you back.
I don't want your money, Ernie.
Yes, you do.
No.
Take the money and put it in the Lodge to my dues for the next 10 years.
Are you serious? I wanna take the squire oath now.
Absolutely.
Yeah, why not? We can do that next week.
And I want a key so I can come inside whenever I need to.
- I can't give you a key.
- I want a key, Ernie.
You know, when I'm out there I feel like I'm all alone.
And all these things chasing me, it's It's dragons and dickheads.
But it's different in here.
I can see what this place is.
I can feel it.
Can't you? WOMAN OVER P.
A.
: call extension 2-2-1-9.
Dr.
Tolliver, extension 2-2-1-9.
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
They must've moved him.
Excuse me.
Can you tell me where you guys moved Larry Loomis? He checked himself out about an hour ago.
Said he was going to Egypt.
And you guys let him walk out of here in that condition? Patient's rights.
Told you.
The dude's immortal.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, it's Dad.
Just calling to say hi, you know.
No biggie.
Call me back.
Lizard, hey! Dud leaves for his trip tomorrow.
Thought we'd start up the grill, do a little send-off.
I know it's a hassle driving up here, - but I would lo - [DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Hey.
["SUNLIGHT BATHED THE GOLDEN GLOW" BY FELT PLAYS.]
[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKS.]
You're trying to fool somebody But you end up fooling yourself You're reading from the book of the dead But you don't know what it's about
- Hey.
- All right, you made it.
Want a beer? MAN ON TV: Run, my creation! [LAUGHTER.]
All right.
Have a good flight.
- See ya.
- Bye.
Bye.
[SNAKE HISSING.]
[GROANS.]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Uhh.
Aah! MAN: And finally, Your Honor, last week I caught him just sitting in his car across the street, watching us.
I chased him off, but he came back later that night and jumped in our pool.
He was wasted and screaming his head off.
Our son can't sleep.
He's worried about this guy breaking into our house.
Your Honor, I know he used to live there, and I am sorry for whatever happened, but this has to stop.
Mr.
Dudley, you can respond.
Well, first of all, let me just say how embarrassed I am that it's come to this.
There's really no excuse for my behavior.
And I don't know.
Something happens to you when you lose your job.
And it's just afternoons are hard.
Not doing what you usually do.
So you start to feel a little a little weird, a little guilty, you know.
And 2:00 2:00, 2:00's the worst.
It's just the way the light hits ya.
You know, it gets under your skin.
And, you know, it can make you, make you go a little crazy.
You know? [LAUGHS.]
Now does that that make any sense or No.
Look, the point the point is, is that I was drinkin'a lot, uh, you know, it wasn't the fun kind of drinking either.
Uh, but I'm on a better path now, Your Honor.
I recently entered the Order of the Lynx.
Is that a rehab facility? No.
No, it's a secret society.
It's not secret, secret, you know, you can Google 'em or whatever.
But it was founded in 1866 by Harwood Fritz Merrill.
Mr.
Dudley, this is the last hearing before lunch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
I'm sorry.
Um, I have an appointment with a temporary employment agency.
So I am trying, Your Honor.
But most of all, what I really wanna say to you guys is I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
The idea of your kid being scared like that's it's the worst thing I can ever possibly imagine.
So I was lucky to grow up in that house.
And I kind of dreamed of raising a family of my own one day in there.
But I guess all I care about now is that your son is as happy in there as I was.
So I won't come back.
I promise.
Your Honor, I think he means what he says.
Maybe at this point, the best thing to do is drop the the complaint.
Beautiful.
Lunch.
Uh, hey, thank you for understanding.
And now that, you know, we're all cool, I'd love to make it up to you guys and maybe I could, you know, bring over some burgers, crank up the BBQ, how does that sound? - Are you serious? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Why not? - Why not? Because no.
- Okay.
- It is our house now.
- Okay, yeah.
Okay, private property.
It's your hou oh, it's private property? You know what? Why don't you paint the house puke yellow? - Your damn right I will.
- You know what? My dad he busted his ass for 30 years paying for those rose bushes.
I don't give a shit about your dad! - Okay, you know what? - Yeah, what? What? - Hey, you know what, man? - Ah, ah, ah, ah! - Oh, my God! - Out of the way! Tell me about your strengths.
My strengths? [SNIFFS.]
Uh, well, as you can see, my test scores indicate that my strengths are certainly not PowerPoint or Excel.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, um if you don't hear from me in the next six or seven weeks, feel free to give me a call.
[CHUCKLES.]
- MAN: Your résumé for me? - MAN #2: Yeah, here you go.
MAN ON RADIO: Stone walked halfway across the bridge.
Down below, moonlight shimmered on the dark waters of the Vltava River.
The cocaine was wearing off, - and the night felt empty.
- [MOTOR REVVING.]
- Now more than ever - [SWITCH CLICKS.]
[MOTOR RUMBLES, IDLES.]
2 grand.
It's all there.
Hey, didn't you play fullback at Poly? I played baseball at Poly.
My senior year, I was All-CIF.
Well, you know, honorable mention.
- [ENGINE REVVING.]
- You need a helmet! [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Hey.
How's Larry? Heard he's back in the hospital.
He's fine.
s Larry? Getting all fixed up.
It's weird seeing you out here alone.
You know, if anything happens, come see me about a memorial bench.
Listen, man, he's not dead, okay? You're next, Ernie.
- What? - Tee's open.
You're up.
[CART WHIRRING.]
I got 3 calls this morning before 10 a.
m.
- I'm sick of it.
- You're past due.
You're already garnishing my wages.
Like, what more do you want from me? - [TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
- Um Well, your monthly payments went up.
Didn't you get the letters we sent? No, I burned them.
I don't know what else to tell you.
It was all part of the agreement you signed.
No.
I-I co-signed to help my dad.
He didn't tell me how bad things were, and then he checked out.
He died and left me with this mess.
I'm so sorry.
It's 80 grand.
It could be worse.
Do you have debt? Oh, um, student loans.
Luckily, I was able to defer those for a long time.
You took out loans to become a loan officer? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well done.
You're living the dream.
Well, if you think things are bad now, wait until we sell your debt to a third party collector.
- What? - Unless you start catching up, it will probably happen in the next month or so.
And I promise you, those guys will make your life a living hell.
I promise you.
- [HUFFS.]
- Thank you for coming in.
Take a mug if you'd like.
They're free.
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[RING.]
[RING.]
[BEEP.]
MAN: Hello, you've reached the Lynx Lodge 49.
- Please leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
DUD: Hey.
Is anyone in there? It's Dud again, you know, from the other from the other night.
I kind of wish you guys would post your hours.
[LAUGHS.]
Anyway, listen, Ernie, if you get this, I'm ready to get started on my journey toward knighthood or squiredom or whatever.
Anyway, I'm sure you guys got more important things going on, so I hope Larry's doing better.
Okay, call me back.
It's Dud.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Here you go, guys.
Whenever you're ready.
- Thank you so much.
- WOMAN: Thanks.
Jeremy wants to see you in his office.
Why? [KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR CREAKS.]
Hey, you wanted to see me? Hey, Sarah says that this looks ridiculous.
What do you think? I mean, she told our therapist.
[LAUGHS.]
Our therapist.
She couldn't even tell me directly.
I mean, that's part of the problem right there, right? It's really busy right now.
I should probably be out there.
No, no, no.
Just if you could, you know, sit, come.
[SIGHS.]
So [SIGHS.]
You can probably guess what this is about.
Look, they were gonna get rotten anyway, and I figure I might as well just take them.
Take what? The avocados.
You've been stealing avocados? - Yes.
- I don't care.
Take as many as you want.
They're the good kind of fat.
Oh.
So why am I here? Look, this is hard.
Okay, um I've decided to promote Karen to assistant manager.
That's fine.
Yeah, I know you've been here for a year, and she's only been here for three months, but it is all political.
Omni HQ likes Karen because she did the calendar.
But I told them that you were the best we had in terms of brute labor.
Jeremy, seriously, it's fine.
I don't want a promotion.
- Why not? - Because the bank will take it.
I need to be on tables.
I need the cash.
That's a relief.
I-I thought you were gonna be mad at me.
No.
Never.
Bring it in for a hug.
- No.
- Okay.
Fair enough.
But listen, we also hired a new girl.
Or young woman.
She's gonna be shadowing you this week.
Okay.
And I told her that she's gonna be working with Liz Dudley.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Queen of Shamroxx.
Long story short, it's a bit of a mess.
Obviously, Mooch buys a lot of china.
So we need to fix this ASAP.
You mean, I need to fix this.
Mooch is my customer.
Exactly.
That's why I'm counting on you.
Why the hell would you quote him that price? - Are you insane? - I don't know.
It was me and Mooch like the old days.
Paradise Lounge has that happy hour with the oysters.
We were having a blast.
I didn't wanna ruin the mood.
So now, I get to jump on the grenade.
Thank you for your service to our country.
Okay, next item on the agenda Gleeson Pipe is sponsoring a sport fishing day.
Some charter boat out to San Clemente Island.
It's a big jerk-off for their plumbers.
They've reserved a spot for me and one more.
- What do you say, Beautiful Jeff? - I'm in.
Whoa.
I make the ultimate sacrifice, and Beautiful Jeff gets to go on a cruise? That's right, you old piece of shit.
Beautiful Jeff is having a better year than you.
Only because he's slinging Pex to all the Korean export guys in Cerritos.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Pex Pipe is the future.
I'm the future.
You'll be dead soon.
Pex Pipe is lightweight garbage.
That's why you can sell it.
Lightweight.
Hmm.
Look at this.
[LAUGHS.]
That's all cosmetic.
You're a mannequin.
This is the real thing.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Right here.
Real human man flesh.
Fine.
Let's do this.
You do more than me, you can take the cruise.
[LAUGHS.]
- MAN: Oh! [ CHUCKLES .]
- MAN #2: Yeah.
Easy peasy, bitch.
MAN: All right.
Here we go.
- I could do this all day! - Ahh! - BOTH: Ahh! - [MEN SHOUTING AT ONCE.]
[GULPING.]
I'm impressed, Ernie.
I thought you were gonna die of a heart attack.
Not bad for an old man.
Thanks.
Have fun on the high seas.
Hey.
Where's my commission check? Any day now.
You're still my butter and egg man.
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Hmm.
- Here we go.
Pistols at dawn.
- Come now, Mooch.
You know we can't give you that price.
It's too late.
I already quoted Bob's price to Glen at TC Mechanical, and he wants to put in a big order.
So the market is set.
Goddamnit.
[SIGHS.]
I'll take the hit with the factory, okay? [BAG RUSTLES.]
So, um, I hear you know something about the Orbis redevelopment.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
I'm just riding rumors like everyone else.
[CRUNCHES, MOUTH FULL.]
What are you hearing? Everybody's waiting for Captain to send up smoke signals.
If I could just chase Captain down, I could get our lines spec'd early.
[LAUGHS.]
Good luck.
I mean, every plumber and wholesaler in SoCal is gonna be chasing this project.
It's the Holy Grail.
[MACHINE BEEPING IN DISTANCE.]
Got this in '81 at the Cuckoo's Nest.
I was 13.
My older brother snuck me in.
We went mad dog in the pit.
And then after the show, a couple skinheads jumped us.
One of them had a knife.
[MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND.]
He got me.
And my brother lit his ass up with a piece of rebar.
It all evens out.
So that's Champ.
And this is Gerson.
He's bussing our section today.
If he slacks, feel free to screw him on tips.
And I don't slack unless I'm high or having weird emotions.
Okay, let's go.
Kill floor awaits.
You're in great hands, Heather.
Liz is the best.
So did you read the training manual? Grooming standards and all that? I did, yes.
This is a place of glamour and fun.
Never forget that.
I don't really understand the motto, though, "Moments of truth in service.
" Oh, I know.
It's just high-level corporate poetry.
It just means anticipating the needs of customers.
So, in about five minutes, those guys are gonna want another pitcher and knowing that is my Shamroxx moment of truth.
Maybe someday, you'll have one of your own.
MAN: Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo! So, are you in school? I am.
Um, I'm actually taking business classes at Golden West.
My cousin and I are going to open a hair salon.
- Oh, entrepreneurs.
- Oh, we're trying.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- So what about you? - What are you doing? - I'm working here.
The nurses we talked to seemed worried.
Larry's not responding well.
He's still really out of it.
Those doctors are useless.
The refuse to administer the supplements I provided.
So I had to do it sub rosa.
How is he with you, Ernie? Me? Fine.
I mean, I haven't had a chance to go over since the surgery.
I've been busy.
Besides, it's just bypass surgery.
- Quadruple bypass.
- Yeah.
Right, they knock those things out every day.
Larry's gonna be fine.
I'm going tomorrow afternoon.
I'm sorry, Ernie, but I think we gotta prepare for the worst.
Yeah, I went to Harbor Municipal.
I put a deposit on a memorial bench.
What? No, stop it.
You guys are trying to bury him alive.
You haven't seen him, Ernie.
Then there's everything that's happening here.
We got to get in touch with London.
We need to let them know what's going on.
- Scott - Ernie, there are strict protocols - for appointing a new S.
P.
- Scott, just listen.
I wasn't supposed to say anything, but last week, Larry told me he's stepping down.
He's finally making me Sovereign Protector.
- No way.
- [LAUGHS.]
Congratulations.
- Love you, too.
Love you, too.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, yeah.
- Way to go, man.
Yeah, but I but I mean, London should still be involved, right? I mean, they might hey, um, look, there are other worthy candidates.
I'm just saying we shouldn't get too far ahead of ourselves on this.
If it'll make you feel better, Scott, I'll call London, and we'll sort it all out, okay? Anything else? Uh, Sean Dudley called.
Left another message.
Are you gonna be working with him? I guess so.
We sort of mentioned it the other night.
I'd reach out.
He might lose interest.
These are fish bones.
Look at this.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
Oh, my gosh.
As far down as you can see.
[DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS.]
[KEYS CLATTER.]
Lizard.
They gave me a restraining order.
- Jesus.
For how long? - Three years.
The judge said their attacks on me were justified.
I told you to let me come with you.
[CRUNCHING.]
Why? Because you were a paralegal for 10 minutes? Because I could've helped.
You need help, Dud.
Look.
It's been a year, okay? - It's time - Yeah.
Well, you know what? You can't have a funeral without a body.
So shut it.
There will never be a body, okay? It's not an excuse anymore.
What are you doing? Dud.
Get out of my room.
I am so tired of your depressing shit.
I don't need help.
You need help.
- [DOOR BANGS.]
- I don't need help! I took responsibility like an adult! And guess what, Dud? It was depressing, but you don't get a - pass! - Ow! Ow.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Ohh.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[PRESSING BUTTONS.]
[LINE BEEPS.]
MAN: [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Lodge 1, London.
Hi.
I'm Ernie Fontaine.
The Luminous Knight at Lodge 49 in Long Beach, California.
Oh, yeah.
Lodge 49, one of our success stories.
What? You have one of the most robust memberships in North America.
Wow.
Okay.
I'm calling because we're about to go through the whole succession thing.
I think our Sovereign Protector, Larry Loomis, has been in touch.
He's stepping down and giving me the throne.
I see.
We haven't actually heard from Mr.
Loomis, but thank you for telling us.
Really? Well What happens now? You guys send out an emissary, right? Uh, wherever possible, we like to oversee transitions.
You can expect a visitor in the next few weeks.
Uh, until then, take care, Mr.
Fontaine.
And congratulations.
Thank you.
[COUGHS.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine 40, 41, 42.
WOMAN: It's open.
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
I just had a call from Lodge 49 in California.
They're doing succession.
Huh, okay.
I just sent Anil to Marseille, and Clara has her surgery, so I guess I'm sending you.
Oh.
Okay.
Is there a problem? No, it's just a very long flight, and [SIGHS.]
I have tickets to the Ashes.
Jocelyn, when we made you an emissary, - it was understood that you'd - I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'll start the paperwork immediately.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
One, two, three, four, five We're a manufacturer's rep.
Basically, the middle man between the factory and the wholesaler.
[CRUNCHES.]
But I spend a lot of time chasing down plumbers trying to get them to buy our lines from the wholesaler.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Anyway, we rep 20 lines.
Toilets, faucets, brass, PVC pumps.
Nice.
It's not as exciting as it sounds.
But it used to be.
Before the crash, I could write business all day.
Now everything is just a hustle.
[MOUTH FULL.]
Oh.
What kind of pumps do you sell? - Morley.
- Morley.
Yeah.
It's a good line.
It's easy to install.
So you don't work on pools at all anymore? No.
No, I all my gear got liquidated, so I can't really do heavy maintenance with my foot.
Ah.
Right.
Yeah.
But it's cool.
You know.
I just need to find somethin' to keep me busy, until I figure out how to how to get my dad's shop back.
[SIPS.]
So your postulancy.
Yes.
My postulancy.
So what's next? Well, we'll keep meeting up, and you'll need to track down Blaise.
He'll get you started on the alchemy and philosophical stuff.
There'll be a few things you need to memorize.
But honestly, you could take it or leave it.
Most people leave it.
And how long does it take to become a squire? Like, a few months or weeks or Well, it depends.
Once we can see that you are dedicated, there's a whole secret ceremony.
Cool, a secret What happens at the ceremony? Well, I can't tell you that.
But basically, there's a solemn oath, and then, we will begin to entrust you with the mysteries.
Entrusted with the mysteries.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- That's That's so cool.
That's all I ever wanted.
We usually order a pizza or something afterwards.
Cool.
- Thank you for everything.
- Mm.
- Thank you, Dud.
- And tell Larry hello for me.
Whoa, whoa.
Actually, I've got a work emergency.
Is there a chance if you're not doing anything, could you go by and see Larry? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
- Maybe read a book to him? - Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, that'd be no problem.
If Larry hits me, I'll just hit him back.
[LAUGHS.]
[SCANNER BEEPS.]
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
[COINS CLATTER.]
You are the first guy under 50 I've seen check out one of these.
Oh, it's not for me.
It's for a friend.
He's an old Vietnam vet.
- See? The old guys love Tom Stone.
- [BEEP.]
- [BEEP.]
- He's a boxer and art dealer and a secret agent.
Okay.
Enjoy.
Yeah.
Hi.
"At midnight, Pavel entered the lobby.
"It was now or never.
"Stone reached into his overcoat, took the safety off his .
228 just in case.
" The True Lodge sent you.
[SIGHS.]
Ernie did.
I'm S I'm Sean.
You met me at the Lodge the other night.
Do Do you remember? Remember, you you really And I thought she was crazy.
I didn't believe her.
- Who? - Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, Ernie told me to come by, so Really? Well, that's incredibly nice of you.
Is is Ernie coming? - No.
No, he's got a work thing.
- Work.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Ernie.
I need to talk to Ernie.
He's not here, Lar.
But hey, he told us the news.
- He did? - Oh, don't worry.
No, no, no.
He's gonna call London and take care of everything.
You just need to rest.
You don't need to stay.
I'm just gonna sit here and work.
I'll keep him company.
Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Good idea.
[CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR.]
[LOWERED VOICE.]
Hey, does Larry have any family - that ever stops by? - Nah.
He's an old bachelor.
- Oh.
- Doesn't have any family.
Just the Lodge.
All right, well [LOUDLY.]
See you, Lar.
[BIRDS CAWING.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, Liz! I, uh, I got some toilet paper.
I used the coupon you gave me.
[DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS.]
Hey Hey, Liz.
Hey, Liz.
I got the toilet paper.
Liz? What do you wanna do for dinner? [FOIL RUSTLES.]
He's a he's a really nice guy, too.
It's funny.
We both have a backgroundo.
In residential hydronics.
Yes! More parasailing.
Ha.
That is the only way you can truly get to know someone.
It sounds like Ernie deals more with fixtures like faucets and sinks and toilets and that kind of thing.
Get ready, Caitlin, for the greatest adventure of your life.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
Liz, I think I got a crush on somebody.
You are not Caitlin's type.
No, no.
Not Caitlin.
It's It's for real.
It's she works at the library.
- [TV TURNS OFF.]
- A librarian.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Yeah, I know.
It's awful.
Is she mousy? How mousy is she? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Is she an actual mouse? Yes, she's an actual mouse.
This is progress.
You're rejoining the world.
- Yeah.
- Have you talked to her yet? Uh, just today.
- Okay.
- I'm afraid if I keep going back there, she's gonna think I'm some sort of, like, creepy stalker person.
Mm.
Well, you do have a restraining order against you.
So It's for it's for civil harassment.
- Yeah.
- So that's different.
- The best kind.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ah.
It's just been so long.
I guess I just stopped thinking about that sort of thing this year, you know? Yeah.
I know what you mean.
And to be honest, it's been a while since I You know.
You know.
Listen to me, you just need to get it over with.
Go up to the desk and ask her out.
- Be direct.
- Yeah.
- Okay, yeah, direct.
- Mm.
I'm telling you, something's going on at Orbis.
I wanna go after Captain.
If we can get with him on this Orbis deal Come on, Ernie, you're never gonna get to Captain.
He lives in a different world.
Developers, architects.
With these big money guys at the top, it's all shadows and secret handshakes.
That's not us.
We're simple men.
We just need to keep our wholesalers happy.
- What are you trying to prove? - Nothing.
Is this because you got torched by Beautiful Jeff? I don't know.
[SCOFFS.]
I just need this.
I'm tired of the nickel and dime.
These big projects just never pan out.
I'm just saving you a ton of hassle.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- [SCANNER BEEPS.]
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Sean.
I came in here yesterday.
What can I help you with? [GROANS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
[SCANNER BEEPS.]
ALICE: Hey, did you hear? Somebody found a seal wandering down Willow Street.
Really? I guess he got lost and swam up the channel.
Animal rescue said it happened a few times now.
Something about rising water temperatures.
I'll be right back.
This is 900 square feet.
- Really? - Yeah.
Give or take.
Hello, gentlemen.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hi, Sean.
Colby, this is Sean Dudley.
His dad was the previous tenant.
- Cool.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So, what kind of what kind of shop you opening up here, huh? Vape lounge.
Nice.
Vape lounge.
Vape city.
Love it.
Just what we need - [Pants unzip - in this town [GRUNTS.]
- [URINATING.]
- is one more vape lounge.
[GROANS.]
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Hey, how's it going? - Okay, thanks.
- Oh, Heather's a natural.
She doesn't need me anymore.
Huh.
Oh, my God.
Jeremy, who is this? This is Floyd.
Hi.
He's beautiful.
Can I hold him? Sure.
Here, get under his arms right there.
Oh! Whoa! Hello! - Got him? Okay.
- Heather, your order's up.
Hey, can you hold him for a sec? No.
I don't like holding babies.
Oh, come on.
Look how cute he is.
[ SINGSONGY .]
You know you wanna hold him.
["CARD TABLE" BY HOLLY GOLIGHTLY PLAYING.]
Yeah, I'm thinking MAN: Whoo-hoo! Let your head spin [GRUNTS.]
The nights are long, the days are gone [DOOR CLOSES.]
And you don't know what place you're in - Where's she going? - [DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS.]
What the hell did you say to her? DUD: So this is Lodge 1 in London where Harwood Fritz Merrill's buried? That's the allegorical picture.
Merrill actually painted that one.
Right.
And he's buried with the golden book.
The allegorical golden book.
Yeah, the one he found in the desert with all the secret formulas for alchemy and the universal elixir that can turn, um, that can turn lead into gold.
That's the allegorical history.
There's a lot of legend surrounding Merrill.
Um, they're fun, but we actually know a lot about the actual man.
He was badly wounded in the Crimean War, spent the next 10 years wandering around Europe, and the Mediterranean until he went to London and founded the Order.
For him, alchemy was a metaphor for the transformation of the soul.
In alchemy, we ask the question, how can you get something from nothing? So he didn't turn lead into gold? Um [INHALES DEEPLY.]
That's a metaphor.
Listen, Merrill believed there were two kinds of alchemists.
First is the charlatan who was just looking for a shortcut to fortune.
And the next was the true philoso ow! Ah.
- Oh.
Oh, whoa.
- Aah.
Aah.
- Uh, are you okay? That's - Uh-huh.
Ah.
Um the true philosopher, who used that world out there as a beautiful text just waiting to be deciphered.
We just need to learn how to look at it with the right eyes.
Okay? It's bingo night.
I have to set up the Throne Room for the bluehairs.
Well, I can I can help.
Okay.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- In here.
You, uh, need some more No, I'm good, thanks.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
- Let's see here.
[HYMNAL MUSIC PLAYING, LOCK TURNING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
So so this this is the Throne Room? - This is the Throne Room.
- Oh, yeah.
Start with chairs and then we'll go get the tables.
Okay.
- Ah.
- Um I'm glad you're here.
You know, people have a hard time committing to joining.
Yeah, well, I hate to say it, but it might help if you lower your membership fee.
I know.
200 bucks is a little steep.
You mean $2,000.
If it was $2,000, no one would be here.
[CHAIRS CLATTERING.]
[CHAIR THUDS.]
["DOWN PNX" BY WHITE FENCE PLAYING.]
Addicted to feeling up Nausea, merry we go On round pistol planet, and "I'm so sorry" I'm down, so down [HORN HONKS.]
[HORN HONKS.]
What? There's no place for us to go.
[HORN HONKING.]
Are you blind? There's no place for any of us to go! Huh? Well, you honk your little horn again.
Huh? There's no place to go! [BRAKES SQUEAL.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
[EXHALES.]
Okay.
[WATER SPLASHING.]
[CLACKING.]
[AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING.]
[SEABIRDS CALLING.]
Right back the way you came, darling.
Can't miss it.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]
Hey, there you are.
Bingo night still a source of revenue if you can believe it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Blaise told me you took off earlier.
Is everything okay? You owe me 2 grand.
I never thought you'd show up with all that money.
But you took it.
I've got a commission check coming.
I'm going to pay you back.
I was always going to pay you back.
I don't want your money, Ernie.
Yes, you do.
No.
Take the money and put it in the Lodge to my dues for the next 10 years.
Are you serious? I wanna take the squire oath now.
Absolutely.
Yeah, why not? We can do that next week.
And I want a key so I can come inside whenever I need to.
- I can't give you a key.
- I want a key, Ernie.
You know, when I'm out there I feel like I'm all alone.
And all these things chasing me, it's It's dragons and dickheads.
But it's different in here.
I can see what this place is.
I can feel it.
Can't you? WOMAN OVER P.
A.
: call extension 2-2-1-9.
Dr.
Tolliver, extension 2-2-1-9.
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
They must've moved him.
Excuse me.
Can you tell me where you guys moved Larry Loomis? He checked himself out about an hour ago.
Said he was going to Egypt.
And you guys let him walk out of here in that condition? Patient's rights.
Told you.
The dude's immortal.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, it's Dad.
Just calling to say hi, you know.
No biggie.
Call me back.
Lizard, hey! Dud leaves for his trip tomorrow.
Thought we'd start up the grill, do a little send-off.
I know it's a hassle driving up here, - but I would lo - [DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Hey.
["SUNLIGHT BATHED THE GOLDEN GLOW" BY FELT PLAYS.]
[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKS.]
You're trying to fool somebody But you end up fooling yourself You're reading from the book of the dead But you don't know what it's about