Lopez (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 (Latin hip-hop music) Hey, guys.
Should I even open this? They don't even have naked pictures of girls in here anymore.
Why do they even wrap it in plastic? That's a good question.
Man, on Saturday nights, you used to be able to go to the liquor store have a whole display of magazines.
"High Society," "Cherry," - "Swank.
" - That's ri hey, - what's up with this fool, man? - Oh, no.
- Manuelo, hey.
George in there? - Dude are eyeballing us.
- Should I stop? - Nah, you know what, keep going, go.
George, so what's going on with the trees? - Do they have porn magazines anymore? - Hey, George.
- Geor George.
I see you.
- You thought about this a lot, huh? I got the number of an arborist.
- You lonely, boss, or what? - Maybe a little, yeah.
- You need to start dating.
- But how, man? Dating is, uh it's even more confusing because everybody's meeting online.
Nobody goes out anymore.
They all date on the apps, and the apps are confusing, man.
I got some.
It's all pictures, no information.
Why don't you just try it, jefe? (upbeat Latin music) Oh, wait a minute.
I got one.
She swiped right.
And she sent a picture.
Dude, check that out.
- Look at that.
- Oh, damn, she's hot.
Huh? - "Can you come over right now?" - Ooh.
- Wh where are we? - Coming up on Camden.
Okay, Camden.
Make a left on Camden.
You only got about 20 minutes, though.
Afternoon delight.
I could make that work.
Come in.
(soft music) Oh, uh, is Stephanie here? - I'm Stephanie.
- You are? Um that's you right there? - Maybe.
- Uh - Listen, George - Oh.
We are gonna have fun.
- I don't take - Believe me, Bob Saget never complained or Bobcat Goldthwait.
If you say Gilbert Gottfried I'm never okay.
Mm, come on.
What's your pleasure? - Baby oil? - No, um - Powder? - What's happening - Is that a video camera? - This? Phone just shakes too much.
- We gotta use this - (speaking Spanish) Wait.
Hey.
Hey! Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, where are you going? (scoffs) (Latin hip-hop music) - So, jefe, how'd it go? - (laughs) Not good.
Now I'm late for nothing.
Let's go.
Whoo.
Oh, my God.
Sorry I'm late.
The traffic was crazy.
I checked Waze.
It looked like a light traffic day.
Oh, except for the traffic on the way to Stephanie M's apartment.
(speaking Spanish) Wh how do you know about Stephanie? Because I live in this century.
A half hour ago she tweeted that you had sex with her.
Well, I nah, I didn't.
Well, that's probably why she's upset.
Look, I believe you, but no one else out there will.
I spend half my time putting out Internet fires.
If a client isn't having embarrassing and compromising photos of them put out there, they're blogging something sexist or racist.
Wow, who do you represent? Look, if you want this Vegas residency, you need to use social media to broaden your audience, not piss them off, okay? Show them that fun, accessible George.
Yeah, that that's That's what I do.
I sent a tweet today.
I put a picture on Instagram.
- You didn't check it out? - Oh, I did.
And if I were a 55-year-old black or Latino man, wearing a hat or smoking a cigar, I'd feel right at home.
Listen, I'm working on getting the top branding guy in the biz to come work for you, but in the meantime, just work on your posting, okay? Do some funny behind-the-scenes bits with your funny friends.
Bring your audience into your life, but not to have sex or wear hats.
(light cheers and applause) What's up with the residency? Are we getting it? That I don't know.
It's up in the air because Holly says I have, uh social media issues.
Really? I don't know about that.
I've been reading a lot about you lately.
- (exhales) (chuckles) - What is this, George? You're on a dating website.
You're George Lopez.
You don't go on dating websites.
Okay, I haven't dated in a long time.
- I get it.
- I don't go out a lot.
So I thought, "Let me put my stuff on that," you know? But I thought it was anonymous, man.
- I didn't even use my real name.
- You didn't.
'Cause you used George L.
And a picture of you in front of Caesars Palace with your name above the marquee.
So how am I supposed to meet a girl that likes me for me? - Like, the real me? - You don't.
Look, George, this is how you solve your problem: You should date another celebrity because celebrities understand what you're going through because they having the same exact problem that you're having.
Yeah, but which one? Let's see, Eva Longoria's engaged - Yes.
- Sofia Vergara, - language issue - She don't speak English.
- Salma Hayek - Yeah.
Uh, Jessica Alba's married.
So that's it.
That's my list.
God, I love Salma Hayek.
But you know if you date a celebrity, she doesn't have to be Latina, George.
- You could think outside the box.
- Well, not with my fan base.
You're a celebrity.
When celebrities date other celebrities, the whole race thing disappears.
It's like celebrities have their own race.
No, I just need to find a girl who's cute, smart, and doesn't know anything about me.
Well, good luck trying to find that in LA.
How about this? Let's let's scale back a little bit, and how about you just get a dog first.
A rescue dog.
A little puppy.
Some unconditional love.
Pet rescue.
That's cool.
You know, the great thing about having a dog is, it's like a built-in excuse to go home or to get away from people.
Like when Erica's a baby, 'member I used to say she had colic - Yeah.
- And I would just take a plate and go home? And dogs, they still sniff each other.
They keep it real.
- They don't use Twitter.
- (laughs) But you know they're gonna think you're there for a pit bull.
They aren't gonna give you a dog.
Fool, nobody thinks like that no more.
Man, be positive.
We're not gonna give you a pit bull.
Okay, that's funny.
Uh, I'm George Lopez.
Okay? - I didn't introduce myself.
- Ooh, hi.
I'm still not gonna give you a pit bull.
Do all Mexicans have pit bulls, huh? Is my head shaved? Do I have a tattoo on my neck? Listen, man, I just want a dog as a companion.
It's not that simple.
What do you mean, "It's not that simple"? Well, I have to ask you a lot of questions first.
- A lot of questions.
- Seriously? Like what? Have you had a drink today? You're not gonna give me a dog, are you? (upbeat music) Hey, what was with all the questions and that dude? - That dude's insulting.
- You want me to go back - and take care of this fool? - Nah, I can Come on, man, you're gonna get me in trouble, dude.
You still want a dog? - Yeah, I still want a dog.
- I know where to get one.
I don't want a pit bull, though.
What you doin', man? You shop here? Where do you think the cucumbers from my pickles come from? I'm not gonna make them with supermarket vegetables.
Check it out.
Pet rescue center's right over there.
I'll catch you in a minute.
I'm gonna go grab me some basil - 'cause my guy always leaves by noon.
- All right.
(dogs panting and whimpering) He is so sweet.
We found him about a year ago, and he's he's been looking for a home, so - Yeah hey.
- Yeah.
You look like you could use a dog.
- (both laugh) - Yes.
Yes, I could.
How can you how can you tell? Do I look sad or something? I'm not crying.
- (both laugh) - No, no.
Just from my point of view, everyone can use a dog.
- Ah.
- That's why I do this.
You know what, you do good work.
I went to the Sanctuary League to try to get a dog, - uh, guy gave me a hard time.
- God, the Sanctuary League.
They do great work, but they can be very strict.
You know, I get it.
You work with abused and abandoned animals, and you can really start to mistrust people.
Yeah, how about, uh how about you? I try to stay optimistic.
They thought I wanted a pit bull.
Oh, my God, because you're Hispanic? It's so embarrassing.
I'm like, "Man, I just want a companion, not a pit bull.
" You know what? I know just the dog for you.
- Yeah? - Benny.
Ah, Benny.
Hey, Benny.
Yeah, I think the name is appropriate.
- Yeah, why? - Uh, Jack Benny.
He's, like, a older comedian, but I'm more like, Richard Pryor or Freddie Prinze.
I could name him Prinze, but then they'd think I'd name him Prince.
- I'd have to correct everybody.
- Right.
Well, you can name him whatever you like.
We just give them temp names so we're not calling them all "Dog.
" - Oh, great.
- It would be confusing.
- Uh, by the way, I'm Shelia.
- Oh, hi, Sheila.
I'm George.
Yeah, George Lopez.
- Oh, pleased to meet you, George.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.
- Well, I gotta start packing up here.
- Oh, okay.
Uh - Can I help? - Oh, I won't say no.
Okay, um, if you "won't say no" then how's, uh How about dinner, maybe? Something to drink? How about a hike? Hmm? - With your new friend Benny? - A hike.
I love hiking.
- That's how my family got here.
- (both laugh) - Oh, God.
- Okay, fine.
Come on, Benny.
She's just a regular girl, and she doesn't know who I am.
She must be white.
No, man, she wants to go out with me because of me.
That's a rush.
Before, I never knew why John Lennon fell for Yoko Ono, but now, I'm starting to get it.
Are you comparing yourself to John Lennon? - In, like, a Latino way.
- Who's a Latino John Lennon? Uh Jose Feliciano.
I don't know.
All I know is, this is the best day of my life.
I got a dog.
I got a date.
I just gotta make sure she doesn't find out who I am too soon.
- She's going to Google you.
- I'm just glad he's dating.
Yes, and I'm not saying white is good, but it's definitely not bad.
Post some pictures.
(grunts) (panting) - Is that Steven right there? - Yeah, I think it is.
What's he got going on? Hey, Manolo, this is why I don't trim my trees, so I don't have to look at this.
This? This is a zero water landscape, so future generations, your grandkids, won't have to drink their own pee.
I can't believe you still have grass, George.
Oh, what's next Steven? You gonna put a washing machine right there in your yard? - Or maybe a car on blocks.
- Uh-huh.
Hang some paint cans from a tree.
Be like Christmas all year round.
Ha-ha.
It feels good to do the right thing, George.
I don't understand.
Come on no, not there.
Come on.
You gotta go to the bathroom? You gotta go, Benny? Here.
You gotta go potty? Oh, yeah.
- Right on the rocks.
- Yeah.
Vato's got two piles now.
Hey, Erica, meet Benny.
- Got a dog? - Yep, that's my new companion.
Great.
Dad, look.
I have some really great news.
I'm going to take a gap year.
A gap year? What that's great because you can save money, they give a discount on clothes.
Any irregulars, bring 'em, like, big ones that nobody wants.
Dad, I'm not working at the Gap.
I'm taking a gap year.
You know, a year you take off before going off into college to find out who you are.
- Bethany is doing it - Oh, I know she's your friend, but I don't like the way she puts herself out there.
Okay, yeah, so she's a whore, but I'm not into slut shaming.
I hope this wasn't anybody's sandwich.
Of course it was.
Okay, hang on a second.
Didn't Bethany already graduate? Why are we talking about this? Because I'm going to take a gap year, in the middle of high school.
- Nobody does that.
- 'Cause it doesn't make any sense.
I took a gap year once.
I just never went back.
That's your role model.
You're not dropping out of high school.
Of course not.
I'm going to take a year to find out who I am and what I want.
- Who you are and what you want.
- Yeah, and when I go back to school, I am going to be so freaking cool.
- Check it.
- Okay, what's that? - Boundless Horizons, what's that? - Yeah, it's, like, Cuba's the place.
It's, like, all beaches and poor people; not sad poor people like in India.
Really? Oh, wow.
You know, let me think about it.
No.
You're not dropping out.
You're not gapping out.
You're not dropping into a gap, but if you work at a Gap, I'll be right there.
I'll drop you off every day.
Final.
Okay.
We'll talk about this later.
Enjoy your dog.
Why would we talk about this later if I said it was final? - Nobody listens to me.
- I'm still hungry.
Dude, what do you got? A tapeworm? I'ma find out where my taxpayer money is going.
They don't feed you guys in County no more? Man, what do they wear to go hiking.
When I go on a date, I like to wear on a suit 'cause it looks like you're on a date.
This thing just looks like we're occupying Wall Street.
I think they make suits with short pants.
Nah, only black guys can get away with that and the guitar player from AC/DC.
(laughs) You look good, boss.
Maybe a hat? Ah, man, Holly told me not to wear a hat.
(sighs) You think that girl Googled me? Man, you still worried about all the bad stuff - that angry woman said? - Well, yeah, because look, if she doesn't show up, it's gonna be because she saw it, but if she does show up, it could be because I'm famous.
What about when you're little, pick a flower: "Loves me, she loves me not," and if she hates you, get another flower.
I'm never gonna be in love.
Goddamn Google! (hip-hop music) - (dog barking) - (George panting) Okay, come one, Spot.
(sighs) You know, I haven't been eating gluten.
I can really feel the difference.
- Really? - Yeah.
Great, so we made it right over that pass.
Oh.
And then we just go one more.
Right over there.
We should probably Benny looks like he's getting a little winded.
We should probably give him a Huh, Benny, you need a little break? Yeah.
He looks like he's - tired.
- Yeah, Benny looks like he's - about to have a stroke.
- Yeah, he does.
Okay, Benny, you look like you could use a Okay, why don't we can take a little break.
Come on, Benny.
(groans) - (laughs) - So, did you, uh, Google me? Isn't that what girls do when they meet somebody new? (laughs) No.
I think people should get to know each other, you know, face-to-face.
- Like this.
- Yeah, this is great.
- It is.
- Just two normal people out enjoying each other for who they are.
(both laugh awkwardly) Um, so tell me about yourself.
I mean, all I know is that you have a cute dog named Benny.
Yeah, uh, well, you know, I'm I'm from over that, you know, ravine there.
There's, like, a Latino community.
- Oh.
- Sheila? - Nice to see you out of the office.
- Oh, my gosh, hi.
It's nice to be out of the office.
I think the museum would fall apart without her.
Oh.
Oh, this is my friend George.
He just adopted Benny here.
Oh, hello there, Benny.
You're so cute.
So what you guys up to today? - Oh, my God, cramp.
- Oh, um, I Ow, excuse me.
I'm getting a cramp.
Oh, I gotta keep moving.
Uh, okay.
Well, it was great to see you guys.
- Yeah, bye.
- Okay.
Bye.
- That was weird.
- Oh.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm good ow.
- Yeah? - So you work at a museum, uh? - Yeah, the Getty.
The art museum, not the villa.
What about you? Uh, I just think I sat down too fast.
No, silly, what do you do? Where do you work? Oh, I don't do anything.
Well, I do lots of things.
I shouldn't say anything, but I just too many things to talk about.
I don't want it's so beautiful.
I don't want to bore you.
You're in between jobs? Well, I'm kinda always in between jobs.
- You're unemployed? - No, I work.
I just I just don't want to brag.
Brag? Look, the economy's tough.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm not ashamed.
Uh, you know, Sheila, I'm, um I'm a comedian.
- A what? - Like, a comedian.
Ah, okay.
Look, George, I admit that I did feel a connection with you, and I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but I don't think I can handle another relationship with a struggling artist.
I mean, they're harder than the animals I rescue.
Okay, but here's the thing, I'm not struggling.
I've had success, like, a lot of success.
I had my own sitcom.
I had my own talk show.
- Wow, the lying started even faster than usual.
- I'm sorry, I - Wait a minute, don't leave.
Don't leave.
Don't leave.
Google me.
You know what, I'll Google myself.
Okay, uh I don't have any reception.
How can I be in the city and not have reception.
Um, but when I do get bars and you see, I you're gonna be impressed.
I get it, George, your life is on hold until you get that big break, right? But if that big break doesn't come fast enough or it doesn't come at all, then you get more and more bitter, and more and more resentful.
You been hanging around the Comedy Store? It's like George.
You gotta be well over 50 years old.
I mean, if it was gonna happen, it would of happened.
Yes, but it did.
Wait a minute, where's that guy you work with 'cause he was looking at me like, "Are you George Lopez?" That's what he was gonna say.
I mean, it happens all the time.
You know hey, girl girls? It's George Lopez.
How you guys going? From the "Lopez Tonight," - and my sitcom.
- Why are you doing this? Because I want people to like me for who I am - and not because I'm famous.
- I have no idea who you are.
Wait a minute, don't Latinos hike? Latinas! (speaking Spanish) Oh, my God, there's gotta be a maintenance crew out here - or a black somewhere.
- A "black"? Wow.
Okay.
All right, I really do need to go, and I hope that you find what you need.
I really do.
I thought I did.
Come on, Benny, let's go.
- Check it out.
It's George Lopez.
- It is George Lopez.
- I know, right? Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, where were you two minutes ago? Come on, she's gone.
Let's go home.
(mellow music) (hip-hop music playing on tablet) What's up? What's up? What's up? Yo, yo, yo, yo You know, it's actually pretty good.
Yeah, I just need to figure out how to make it go viral.
- Hey.
- Hey, jefe, what's up? - What's happening? - Dad, I need my deposit for Boundless Horizons or I could lose my spot.
Wait a minute, I said no to the gap year.
Yeah, but Mom said yes, and if she hadn't given you a kidney, you'd be dead, - so I think that answers that.
- That's not true.
There were people on the list that the Look, Dad, I'm not gonna be hanging around the beach all year.
I'm gonna be helping poor people get food and water and stuff.
Okay, listen, we have an embargo with Cuba, and this is how it works: They send us baseball players, and we keep our teenagers.
Jefe, jefe, your manager just called me.
I think she thinks I'm your assistant.
Well, what'd she say? Oh, she called to say that we got the branding dude she wanted.
You got a meeting tomorrow at 10:00.
All right.
Eh, next time, so you don't forget, tattoo it on your arm.
- Nice place.
- Sheila.
Can I come in? - Uh, yeah.
Come on in.
- Okay.
Wow.
It's really nice.
(laughs) - Thanks.
- Yeah.
Um, I owe you an apology for literally running off earlier.
I got freaked out.
It's the, uh, ghost of loser boyfriends past.
Yeah, well, you know what, I understand.
I was gonna run after you, but Benny was exhausted.
Yes, I think we have to get Benny hiking on a more regular basis.
Yea yeah.
You know, yes.
We need to get Benny in shape.
So, we can give it another try? Yeah.
Let's let's give it another try.
Only if it's, like, a date.
- That's fair enough.
- No running off.
- No.
- All right.
(both laugh) So, hey, uh, how did you find me? - Oh, I Googled you.
Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- I know everything about you now.
- I don't like that.
- Mm-hmm.
What about the newest one? What about the lady tweeting? - I didn't do - George - I don't - If you knew all the things I've done trying to connect to people, it would make your head spin.
All right, that scares me.
But also, I'm intrigued.
- Good.
- We got some crazy combination.
Well, I'll I'll text you my number.
- All right.
- Okay.
Yeah, you know what? I'm sorry, it was I'm a lit great.
I'm glad you came by.
I am too.
I am too.
- I'll see ya.
- Okay, bye.
- So, jefe, how you know if she likes you for you and not because you're famous? I won't.
Well, amigos, here we are at casa de George Lopez.
Hey, is that another unsatisfied female customer for George? (laughs) Give her a round of applause for getting out of there.
Come on, let's go.
Good job.