Love Soup (2005) s01e02 Episode Script
Death and nurses
ALICE: How long do you have to leave children's drawings up for? Is a question we'd all rather not face, isn't it? When they're presented to you with such glee.
I mean, what is that? I don't want to look at that on my fridge every morning.
It's extremely disturbing.
Five days, I'd say, is ample.
And then you really shouldn't feel guilty about putting them in a drawer.
Of course, with my godsons it's more difficult.
His mother has them all framed before she gives them to me.
Ever since I made the mistake of saying he was a budding Michelangelo.
Suppose I'll have to fish all them out again this week when they come round.
To avoid offence.
If he asks me when I last had intercourse, I don't know what I'll do.
I'll just have to lie.
Well, I did recently spend the night with a man who pleasured my feet.
But then it all got a bit awkward when he came up for air and found me writing a shopping list.
So we both turned over and went to sleep.
How to sound like a lunatic.
Oh, for goodness sake! You're just here for some more Prozac.
Why would he want to know when you had intercourse? Alice Chenery, room 4.
If he asks me, I'll have to lie.
GIL: The sound of a blackbird.
Just has to be right up there, doesn't it? As one of the reasons for living.
Of course, that's just my opinion.
The birdsong critic of the Sunday Times would probably find it ''mawkishly fluting and devoid of contemporary insight''.
So what do I know? Well, I know I'm not going write anything funny standing here.
You think if you come out first thing in the morning, it'll help clear your mind, you're going to start to free-associate and come up with some great new ideas but I don't know, when you're at one with nature it's very hard to contemplate the folly of man.
Oh, now when did all this nonsense start? I have nothing against Charlotte.
I don't know who Charlotte is, I hope she has a really great time, but this is just noise pollution for the deaf.
It's like today I'm going to walk around with my underpants on the outside.
It's personal stuff, okay.
You don't need to share it with the rest of the world.
Now this I quite like, I think.
Let's see, I wonder if I can get a meeting with Lloyd tomorrow.
Hey! A little respect, okay.
See, she's fallen for the old frosted glass myth.
You think no one can see anything from outside, but.
Did I dream that the other day? She'd put my face on that photo with her husband? Maybe just digital doodling of some kind.
Possibly.
For crying out loud! Will you come away from this window? You're going turn into one of those guys with the thick pebble glasses who stand at the bottom of escalators.
It's disgusting.
Oh, my God! How did she see me? That's unreal.
So that's that, then.
I'll have to sell my house and leave the country.
A perfect start to the day.
MAN: Could a member of the cleaning staff go to checkout 4 please? Checkout 4.
Is that.
From the doctor's waiting room? Oh, God, it is as well.
Oh, God! Come on, come on, hurry! Why did I pick them up? Because they got nothing smaller and you're right out.
Yes, but what's he going to think? When you've just come from the doctor's? And what on earth possessed you to buy that mop? Perhaps with any luck he won't see me.
Yes! And there goes the air freshener! Thank you so much for this.
Please can I just die? You have no messages.
Sorry, what am I looking at here? A message from your godson? His name's Terry.
Now you read that.
''Wishing you a happy birthday.
'' -When was this? -Yesterday.
Never mind, just read on.
My God, you never said! Why on earth didn't you say something? That's the third year running.
I'm now definitely going to write it in the diary.
So what happened? Did you have a nice day? What did you do? Well, you know.
Just took things easy.
Sat in the park for a while, with the smell of the sweet peas, bit of reading, listened to the seagulls.
Ali, that's so tragic.
Why? Because I wasn't out till 3:30 in the morning getting legless? And didn't spend half the night with my head down the toilet? Now come on, look at this.
I can't remember if he's just turned 1 2 or 1 3.
But obviously loving his first mobile.
And see what he's put.
''Went for a wamk on the hill today and thought of you.
'' -Wamk? -W-A-M-K.
-Well, it's a typo obviously.
-Well, you say that.
-''Went for a walk'' it's meant to say.
-I sincerely hope so.
Ali, what else could it be? -Don't.
-I haven't seen him for two years.
You know what it's like, they hit puberty suddenly, it's like an explosion.
Spots and hormones.
Wondering now whether to say anything to his parents.
She was my closest friend at school.
In any case, it's not the worst thing he could write, is it? If someone was thinking about me while they were doing it, I'd be quite flattered.
I'm his godmother, Cleo.
I'm supposed to be responsible for his moral and religious upbringing.
I mean, if I thought for a minute he was starting to think of me in that way at 1 3.
-Oh, it's obviously ''walk''.
-Of course it is.
Because he knows how much you like walking.
And talking of doing it, I suppose you've heard nothing else from, what was his name, Clive? She's quite convinced now she's scared him off.
I mean, I don't know, do I? He was nice enough in his way, but I just wonder if that's enough for me in a man.
That he can take five toes in his mouth.
I suppose he was quite dishy.
And you spent the night together.
Must have seen some potential.
Well, if he was still interested, he'd have rung by now, wouldn't he? So.
Yeah, and what if he's sitting at home thinking the same thing? No one's going to ring anyone.
-Let me give him a call.
What was his number? -Will you put that down? Look, isn't it time you were out spraying? Jacquot Pour Homme? And try and forget the association with diabetes mellitus and just concentrate on those targets.
I might do it when you're not looking.
Diabetes mellitus? Yeah, apparently it's one of the signs when you pass out too much sugar in your urine.
It gives it a kind of sickly sweet citrus smell.
God, isn't that funny how quickly you can go off something? -Excuse me.
-Yes, how can I help? Someone bought this eau de toilette for my husband, but it's not really one he uses.
I was wondering if I could have a refund.
Yes, do you have the receipt at all? -Well, obviously not.
It was a present.
-Right.
I'm afraid we can't refund without proof of purchase, is the problem.
It may not even have been bought here.
And I notice the seal has been broken.
I've never had any trouble here in the past.
I thought this store had a no quibble policy.
Who is in charge of this counter? I'm afraid I am.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I can let you have another product or products to the same value.
In fact, we've just got a new fragrance in from Paris he might be interested in.
It's quite bold.
With a suggestion of oranges.
Here he is, the thief of bad gags, Gil Raymond.
How the devil are you? Yes, still ticking over.
How about you? Got quite a little empire going here now by the looks of things.
Brian, stop by when you've got a moment.
We need to talk.
Sorry to keep you, it's been one of those mornings.
I've just taken on this new PA as part of our disability quota.
Narcoleptic, but a canny little worker when she's awake.
You got your travel sickness pills? We're on the 1 3th floor.
Thirteenth floor.
So, how far did you get with Gina? In what way? You know she's taken six months off to try and get pregnant.
You're kidding! All my agent said was the project had been passed to you.
Right.
Of course, she's happily shacked up with this make-up girl as she probably told you.
Make-up girl? No, she never said a word.
The two of them are desperate to have kids so apparently they decided if she could find some guy who was happy to keep banging her till they got a result, no strings attached, she'd put some time aside.
I think she said he was some kind of street performer.
You're not serious? I mean, you know, we only met a couple of times.
There was no suggestion, but.
Yeah, well, Gina, I tell you.
That's between a rock and a hard place.
And many men have been lured to their death.
So just be glad you weren't tempted.
Yeah, right.
So, yeah.
There you go.
It's tragic, really.
Someone of her age, but.
Sit yourself down.
So how often does this.
Two or three times a day? On average.
Yeah, she'll just be taking some dictation, whatever, and suddenly.
Interesting background actually.
Her parents are very strict Catholics, which I always think, you know.
Well, you know the old gag? Only two things are certain in life, death and nurses.
-With apologies to oldwhat's his face? -Benjamin Franklin.
I would expand that to death, nurses and girls who went to convent school.
'Cause, I mean, all those years of repressed sexuality it's got to be like a time bomb.
-Yes, can we.
-Yes! Sorry, Love Soup.
-You've had some thoughts? -Well, a concept at least.
Basically, it would all be set in the not too distant future.
Democracy and the whole judicial system have burnt out, and surrendering to the inevitable, the country's now governed by tabloid newspapers.
-Okay.
-And our story concerns two teenagers.
Very much in love, respectable middle-class kids.
He's 1 7, but she's still only 1 5 and the two of them, obviously, are consumed with adolescent lust for each other.
But as law-abiding citizens, realise they can't consummate their passion until she's reached the age of consent.
So they're in a friend's house on the eve of her 1 6th birthday, waiting for the stroke of midnight, when all their carnal desires will become legal.
Half an hour later they surface and to their horror realise it's the last Saturday in October, the night the clocks go back.
And it's still only 1 1.
:35 which means the young man has just committed a most depraved and perverted act.
He immediately gives himself up, throwing himself on the mercy of the authorities.
But they are bound by their code of conduct to exact the maximum penalty.
I mean, you know, that's about as far as I've blocked it, but.
Controversial.
But no, that's nice, let's mix it up a bit.
I don't say it'll be a shoo-in with the network, so, you know, don't make it too.
Didactic? I know.
That's the risk, of course, but.
Oh, can I take this? Hello? Oh, Irene? Actually I'm in a meeting at the moment, but.
Uh-huh.
No.
I'll be in then.
Okay.
Right.
Yeah, bye.
Irene? My next door neighbour.
Yesterday morning.
Can you believe this? I'm in my office, she's right there opposite in the bathroom window completely naked.
I mean, frosted glass, but.
And I'm standing there gazing out like a moron.
Suddenly she looks across and gives me the wave.
I felt like such a creep.
So.
And now she wants to pop around this evening.
Said she'd like to have a quiet word with me.
What do you mean, gave you a wave? It sounds as if she was being friendly.
She had no clothes on! You see, this is where life always passes you by, Gil.
You never see the opportunities.
You hang around too long trying to second-guess people's motives.
You can talk yourself out of anything.
Well, this time, Lloyd, I don't think so.
This was like, ''Hey, there! Getting a nice look at the goods?'' I tell you, my luck, she'll probably file a complaint.
It'll be me that's named and shamed in the papers.
Ooh! Gosh! -Er, sorry.
-That's okay, sweetheart, you relax.
Don't worry about it.
This is Gil Raymond.
One of our finest living comedy writers.
Gill, Natalie Brown.
-Hi.
-How do you do? Erm.
Sorry.
Do you mind if I just.
Two minutes.
Oh! The complete first series of Friends! When did you sneak out and get this, you little rascals? I remember you said you'd never seen it.
Yes! Well, I actually said I never watch it, which is almost the same thing.
-But, no, thank you.
-Happy birthday to Alice! Slightly belated.
Thank you.
So, come on then, what on earth's happening with you and this Clive bloke? Sounds to me as if you haven't even given it a chance.
I'm not even sure how I feel about him.
On the plus side, obviously, he's very sweet, good-looking, terribly charming.
And the minus side? He's very sweet, good-looking and terribly charming.
I mean, that does seem to be it.
You know, the length and breadth of him sadly.
Deep down I've just got this feeling he may be a bit of a bimbo.
That's what I thought about Greg to begin with.
Then you get to know him and there's actually quite a lot going on up there.
And I tell you this much, he's very creative in the bedroom.
What? Maximising wardrobe space, that kind of thing? They do it to Elvis records.
Say again? Fifties Revival, Ali.
It's now the key to our love life.
It's like, he makes up these special collections with different numbers on a CD.
So we'll start off to a nice slow ballad, like Love Me Tender and then, as the numbers get a bit funkier, -gradually up the tempo until.
-Rock 'n' roll.
It's not all plain sailing, of course.
He's been having a right go at me this week, about my shoes.
But you know, any relationship, you have to work at it.
'Cause how many pairs have you got now? Well, he says 86 is too many for anyone.
It's like living with a centipede and that I should give some to charity.
I said, ''Let me have a think about that.
'' I'll have a word with my oracle first and see what she has to say on the subject.
-Sorry, your what? -My oracle? She's got this little centre where you go for a consultation in the Finchley Road.
What, you mean like a fortune-teller? -Sort of.
-With tea leaves and.
It's a bit more sophisticated than that.
No, she mostly uses tarot cards.
And what they call phrenology, which is where they feel the bumps on your head.
Only, because I've got an abscess there at the moment it could give a false reading so.
Or sometimes she goes into, like, a trance, and talks backwards.
I think I've heard of her.
Isn't she some kind of adviser to the Treasury? The thing is, Gil, I don't know why I find this so difficult to say but yesterday morning.
Maybe it's best if I say and just start with a great, big, grovelling apology, you know.
I mean, for looking, Irene, not leering.
I swear to God, you know, 'cause.
I'm sorry, Gil, you've completely lost me.
In the bathroom yesterday? First thing, by the window? Of course, with the rippled glass and everything obviously we're talking about contour here only, definitely no detail.
But you could see that I was.
'Cause I think you had some net curtains up there before, if I'm right.
Yes.
I thought they needed a wash.
Anyway, that wasn't what I came to see you about.
I was just going to say that yesterday morning, I happened to run into an old friend of mine I haven't seen for ages and.
Well, to cut a long story short we decided to have a bit of a dinner party tomorrow night and.
I mean, for goodness sake, I can't think why you'd want to join us but it'll be the first time since Bob left that I've been involved in any kind of social.
-Intercourse? -Activity.
And you know what it's like when you're there with everyone else, without a partner.
Anyway, you'd be very welcome.
And I know they'd all love to meet you, -but you've probably got something else on so.
-Wellactually.
And if you hadn't, I wouldn't blame you for inventing something.
Tomorrow night? I'll look forward to it.
MILLY: So you reckon I should go and see this oracle about Brian? CLEO: Definitely, babe.
If it's still worrying you.
-Brian.
What's he been up to? -She thinks he might trying to pull her mum.
God, it's always something with you two.
Based on what? Based on every time we go round to see my parents, whereabouts does he always kiss her? -On the mouth.
-So? ''Dear Harriet.
I've noticed that when my husband greets other women ''he always kisses them on the lips rather than the cheeks.
''Is this something I should be worried about?'' Harriet writes, ''This is certainly not normal.
''Mouth-to-mouth contact invariably signals sexual desire ''and should be practised only with your partner.
''By the sound of things it might well be time to question your husband's motives.
'' Please.
She's 4 7, Ali.
She's old enough to be his mother! Well, she's your mother.
Exactly! I never thought anything of it before.
I just thought he was being friendly till I read this.
Some people kiss on the mouth and some on the cheeks, what does it matter? It doesn't automatically mean he wants to rip your mum's clothes off and pin her to the floor.
Oh, don't! I can't even imagine my dad doing that.
-It's of no significance whatsoever.
-Well, why does she say it, then? Because she's an idiot.
How dare she sit there Judging people she hasn't even met? Look at her.
Grinning at the camera with her chin in her hand.
Any woman, I'm sorry, who poses for a photo with her chin in her hand is a phoney.
Do you reckon? I'm just being stupid? Come on, you're not going to find the most sensible advice, are you, on a page like this? -What's your horoscope say? -Oh, that's a point.
Horoscopes, oracles, agony aunts.
Going to have to leave you to it, I think, if I want to get back tonight.
God knows what I'll do tomorrow with this rail strike.
What time does it start? 1 :00? I suppose there's always the dreaded coach service.
Well, why don't you stay in town, Ali? For once in your life.
I can always put you up.
Oh, well.
-Actually, would you mind? -No, no problem.
Just bring a toothbrush.
Okay.
Well, see you all, folks, then.
And thank you.
Oh, don't forget your Friends! Whoops-a-daisy! -Okay, then, bye.
-Bye.
What you thinking? Thinking what she needs is a damn good.
-Nudge? -Definitely.
Well, why don't you ask her as I seem to be second choice at the moment? No, I can't! Anyway I'm back at work now so.
Well, tough! Oh, don't tell me.
He's been kissing your mother on the mouth again? -You said that didn't mean anything.
-No, absolutely not.
So what's this about, then? You'll just think I'm being totally moronic, as usual.
Don't be silly.
What's happened? You know I said he's just got this BMW? Second-hand but it's got this navigation thing where you programme in where you want to go and this woman's voice comes on giving all the directions, where to turn right, or whatever.
Well, why did they have to make her so posh for a start? 'Cause you know what guys are like with that Joanna Lumley type.
All deep and husky.
Or they could easily have made it a man's voice.
Instead of which making me seem like a right old bit of tat by comparison.
You see? I knew you wouldn't understand.
Hello! I'm sorry.
Who's calling? Erm.
-Excuse me.
-I know, I know! Sorry.
I had to get this asparagus for Greg's tea and there was a queue a mile long in Marks & Spencer.
Well, you should give yourself more time in the first place.
You didn't go out.
Pardon? He'll probably be watching me down in the office.
On the security cameras.
Someone called Larry for you.
Voice seems very faint, I can't make it out.
Larry Shytus? I don't know anyone called Larry.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah.
Now, don't freak out or anything but I took the liberty of ringing him up for you.
Clive.
I said you were quite keen to see him again, but were a bit nervous about getting in touch.
You what? And he said he would have called but he's got this very bad laryngitis, okay? But he did want to meet up again so I said how would tonight be as you were staying in town anyway.
Cleo! You are completely and totally out of order! How could you.
He said that? -He wanted to meet up? -Oh, God.
You know what it said in your stars? For those with a birthday this week? Your celestial bodies are uniquely aligned.
That means this could be the one moment in your life that'll never come round again when you get to meet your perfect partner.
You've got to go for it.
Hello? Clive? -WOMAN: Oh, God! Slime.
-Excuse me while I puke.
-I mean, I'm sorry, so sordid.
-The lies and deception.
I mean, if it hadn't been for Gil, who happened to make that comment that caught him out, he'd probably still be at it behind my back.
Three times a week? God, it turns your stomach.
I don't know if it's worse when they pay for it or when they do it for love? -He's paid for it now, the little shit.
-Well, he certainly has.
Er, you know, I'm wondering if you ladies would be happier if I just.
Oh, God, Gil, I'm sorry! We must seem like a real bunch of men-haters.
It's just that with all of us now coming from broken marriages.
I don't think we've ever actually compared notes to this extent, have we? Welcome to The Witches of Eastwick! -Are we making you feel uncomfortable? -He's a big boy.
Stop worrying.
No, we should talk about something else.
I think, don't you, Sally? Change the subject.
Otherwise it's not fair on the poor young man.
-Oh, no.
-Very true.
Where are our manners? Like it wasn't fair when I came home early that day with a migraine and found it there, on the floor of the lounge.
This monstrosity of naked, throbbing flesh.
I couldn't tell where one of them finished and the other one started.
Like in some of those gruesome figure studies by Francis Bacon.
Twenty-seven! Can you believe? He was only six years away from his bus pass.
I mean, the contempt they show for your feelings is just beyond belief.
And as for the lovely Ronald did he ever understand what I was going through at the time? Trying to keep my own business afloat, virtually single-handed, while he was out playing golf with his buddies from Cambridge.
He had no idea what was going on in my head.
The pressures I was under, the stew of hormones I had to contend with.
Well, of course, the arguments got worse and worse.
Inevitably, I ended up beating him.
Black and blue.
It was a cry for help.
I was hitting the bottle every night, screwing other men, he turned me into a monster! I mean, you just wonder how we all put up with this kind of treatment for so long.
I'll just go and see to the pasta.
Hi, Clive.
That went a bit skew-wiff.
Been so much debate this week on the counter about lip kissing and face kissing, and what it all means.
-Thank you.
Oh, dear, not much improvement, then? Erm.
Not brilliant, but.
-Here's the menu.
-Thank you.
Oh, God! No, no.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, you couldn't really, could you? So, I mean.
Ah! And I did.
Very much.
The only reason, I suppose, I haven't been in touch was because.
I don't know, I'm terrible like that.
You know, if you don't hear from someone, you just automatically assume, I mean, I always do that I'm a complete dead loss.
Oh! Well, that's very sweet of you.
WellI wouldn't say that.
GIL: You see, you should never have come here tonight.
Why do you let people talk you into these things? If you could only be strong enough to just make up your own mind now and again.
No, I'll stand corrected if I'm wrong I just thought I detected a little something back there, that's all.
-A little frisson? -Come on, Sally! You're imagining it.
No, I mean, a wife assaulting her husband? Be just the sort of thing, wouldn't it, that would go into one of your scripts? Good bit of comic mileage there, I imagine.
Personally, I.
You know, domestic violence, I think, is a very sensitive issue, in whatever form, so therefore not generally very funny.
-Hear, hear! -SALLY: Well, I'm glad we're agreed on that.
Because the number of times these days you see serious issues reduced to knockabout farce on the box.
What happened to a little wit, for God's sake? Some of those sitcoms they put out nowadays, you wonder if standards can sink any lower.
Well, that's certainly true.
What was that one where a woman kept talking about her pussy all the while? Did you have anything to do with that? I can say with enormous pride that I didn't, no.
You see, that I found quite funny.
Well, it had an innocence to it, for a start, that I think everyone could relate to.
Sort of commedia dell'arte via Donald McGill.
Yes, I actually heard an American say once what they liked about the show was that it didn't insult your intelligence.
But, I mean, you put a lot of thought into what you write.
What was that script you were telling me all about yesterday? This man, who is trying to get a 1 5-year-old girl into bed, before midnight, was it? Because she was underage, or after midnight? Sorry, that was.
Yes, well, there's actually kind of a broader concept to it beyond that about the way our lives are governed.
It must be very tempting, I suppose, for male writers to put all their private fantasies into their shows.
Anything that secretly turns you on, you just dress it up as a joke and the BBC'll go away and make it for you.
Well, yeah, what a professional perk that would be.
But happily, for all of us, it doesn't quite work that way.
So many of the producers and commissioning editors out there now are women.
Come on, Sally, credit him with a bit of integrity.
You make him sound like some kind of voyeur.
Oh, God, Ali.
I don't know what to say.
You must feel awful.
Why should I feel awful? Can someone explain that to me, please, because it makes no sense.
I'm sitting there looking at him thinking, ''You're right.
We have nothing in common.
'' So why do I feel as if all my insides have been scooped out? Because, I suppose, whichever way you look at it, you've been dumped.
Thank you.
But in the nicest way.
From what you're saying.
But I didn't want it to be nice.
How am I supposed to cope with ''nice''? In fact, I'll show you how nice he was.
Look.
He asked me if I wanted to keep the transcripts of his conversation.
As something to remember him by.
He's even signed the last page with a little smiley face underneath, bless him.
Sod him.
Yeah, sod him.
The thing is, I don't know, I came out of that restaurant tonight feeling so sorry for myself and then you walk 1 00 yards down the road and you realise you don't know what real misery is so.
Ready for a bit of shuteye now, I think, Cleo.
Well, the bed's all made up and ready for you.
But there's no rush.
If you want to just sit and talk.
I get the feeling I might be keeping you up.
That's no sweat, Ali.
And don't worry on that score.
We're not going to disturb you, I promise.
Of course, I forgot, yes.
With your Elvis numbers.
That's right.
No, 'cause, actually, Greg's come up with this really nifty little idea.
-That is utterly insane, Cleo.
-Well, of course it is! But, you know, we just want you to get a good night's sleep.
You're still in one piece? -What, the linguine? No, no, I thought you.
Well, yes, because.
No.
I did rather land you in it tonight, didn't I? You know I think we all got our wires a bit crossed because right up to the last minute, I just assumed they'd be bringing partners and by the time I found out, obviously having invited you round.
You know, I'm sorry about Sally.
I don't even know her that well.
She's acharacter.
God, she went for you, which really wasn't fair.
Well.
Oh, I put those curtains back up.
In the.
-No offence or anything.
-Oh, good, good.
Long as I'm forgiven, anyway.
Of course.
Hey.
Well I'll let you get some sleep.
-Good night.
-Yes.
Good night, Irene.
Hello? WOMAN: Was I a complete cow to you tonight at Irene's? Oh, I was, wasn't I? Er, sorry, who is this? Which I can't even blame on the wine.
I only had two glasses.
Sally? Er, no, don't worry about it.
You see, the thing with me, Gil, it's all insecurity.
Because of that awful time I went through.
I told you about it.
I still find it hard to take the blame for my own stupidity.
And then I get all defensive and hung-up on gender issues.
End up making phone calls like this.
So, you know, I just wanted to apologise.
-No, listen, it was just.
-I think I owe you lunch.
At the very least.
What do you say? Take away the nasty taste.
Erm.
See? Oh, God, you're going to turn me down, I can hear it in your voice.
Make me feel dreadful.
Come on, let me cook for you.
How about tomorrow? Erm.
Tomorrow, I think I'm free.
Why not? ALICE: How do other people run their lives so efficiently? Just doing the things they know are right for them.
Being able to say no when it matters.
It's such a gift.
Now, hang on, I know this, as well as anything.
I think.
Is it Jailhouse Rock? I mean, you knew full well that was never going to go anywhere tonight, you knew.
Or are you just saying that now after the event? Oh, this is a tricky one, what is that? This is turning into one of those strange music rounds on University Challenge.
It's not Return to Sender, we've had that.
Oh, oh! Viva Las Vegas.
Got it.
Hooray.
Oh, God, I wish I was at home.
So did you ever find out any more, I meant to ask you, about that text message from your godson? Oh, I think I managed to convince myself it was all perfectly innocent.
Reminds me, they're coming round for lunch on Sunday.
-I need to get some food in.
-I'm sorry that other was such a washout.
I hope you got a decent night's sleep in at least.
Yes, I think I managed to nod off somewhere around Blue Suede Shoes.
Talking of which, I see what he means about your collection.
Oh, don't.
I've made the big decision now.
This weekend half of them are going to the Oxfam shop.
I said, ''But don't expect me to pick which ones.
'' That's like Sophie's Choice.
I don't even want to be there when he does it.
But don't worry, it'll give you a nice warm glow inside afterwards.
It'd better.
I mean, it's strange sometimes when you look back on a period in your life.
You can't believe it was you doing all those things, but there we are.
Bit of detox, a lot of counselling.
I had to work at it.
But then you do, don't you, if you want to reap the rewards in life? -Cheers.
-Cheers.
So, what kind of business were you in exactly when.
I ran a nursing agency.
Well, home care, support for the elderly, terminally ill.
I worked as a nurse myself for 1 2 years but.
A lot of pressure for very little gain, I'm afraid.
-It got too much for me.
-You were a nurse? Yes, look deep, it's in there.
A spark of humanity.
No, I mean, it's all very well living on your own on the proceeds of a generous divorce settlement but it's not enough, is it? -Isn't it? -Not for me, it isn't.
The days and nights can get very empty if you're not careful.
The nights especially, if you're at a loose end.
You may think I had an ulterior motive inviting you here today.
And you'd be right.
What's this? I've shown it to two of the women in my Pilates class and they both think it's hilarious.
But written with wit and intelligence.
Wow.
So you've been busy on the laptop? -For an old witch.
-Used the spell check, obviously.
With your contacts, I thought you might be able to place it for me with a TV company.
It's basically an Alan Bennett-type treatment of a single woman facing the menopause.
Final draft.
That's impressive.
-Obviously, I don't expect you to read it now.
-No.
You can wait till after we've eaten.
Glass of wine, put your feet up and I'll await your verdict.
MILLY: I'm not speaking to you anymore.
You know full well why.
Just listen to this, Ali.
.
WOMAN'S SEXY VOICE: At the roundabout take the first exit.
Then continue straight on.
BRIAN: Milly, are you still there? WOMAN'S VOICE: You are deviating from the designated route.
-BRIAN: I can hardly hear you.
-If possible do a U-turn.
BRIAN: Milly, what the hell is this all about? WOMAN'S VOICE: If possible, do a U-turn.
You are deviating.
Oh, God! You see what I'm saying? You are not telling me he had both hands on that steering wheel! Milly, can we just pause for breath here a second? Two nights ago you were convinced he was after your mum.
Now he's having unnatural relations with a satellite navigation system? -I've got very bad PMT.
-And I sympathise.
But just try and be sensible.
That's never him! -ALICE: My God, it is as well.
-What? ALICE: That bloke.
Last night, I'd stake my life on it, he was sitting in a doorway pretending to be a homeless person.
I gave him five pounds.
When you say the humour could be a bit stronger, which lines in particular are we talking about? Well, it's not a question of lines.
It's not something you can label, you know, or quantify, it's there or it isn't.
Look, I'm the worst person in the world for judging other people's material.
I have enough trouble with my own, it's justyou pressed me for an honest reaction.
I think I see what you're saying here.
If Alan Bennett had written it basically, it would be from a cosy, middle-class, male perspective whereas this is too dangerous, challenging and feminist for you.
No, I'm saying if Alan Bennett had written it, it would be funny.
-I think it's time you left.
-I tend to agree.
Yes? Hello.
Oh, hello.
Can I help? You probably don't remember me.
You sold me an eau de toilette for my husband which, I'm afraid, wasn't at all suitable for his skin.
It caused the most terrible flare-up.
You say you don't test these things on animals.
Do you actually test them at all? Personally, I don't.
No.
But I do remember you, madam.
And I remember I didn't sell you this.
I exchanged it for another item you brought in.
Er, obviously, I'm sorry if it's caused him problems.
Yes, two minutes.
I'll meet you outside after I've sorted this out.
-Is that your husband? -It is.
And this time, if you don't mind, I'll just have a straight refund please.
I haven't got time to.
What? No, I was just thinking.
Isn't it funny when I last saw that man, he appeared to be some kind of vagrant in a cardboard box begging for money in the street.
-What exactly are you implying? -Well.
I'm very sorry, but it's just we do have to be careful, obviously, about the risk of fraud.
It's not unknown for people to acquire cut price versions of our products from a dubious source and then go around shops trying to trade them in at full value.
-I think I'd better go.
-I tend to agree.
I think I'd better go before I do something I may later regret.
Have you ever heard of a coronary condition called a vasovagal episode? -Er.
-No, I didn't imagine so.
Well, just pray you never have one because the effect on your body is fairly terrifying.
And if you should ever be unfortunate enough to suddenly collapse shivering in a doorway one night on your way home, Just pray some idiot doesn't come along and shove money in your hand when what you desperately need is an ambulance.
Oh.
Really? And the redness on his neck.
And, unlike you, I'm quite happy to give a refund.
It wasn't really your night last night, was it? Oh, God! And here comes our favourite sales rep, Mr Tildsley.
I don't think I'm quite in the mood at the moment.
-Cleo, would you mind? -Of course.
-Hey.
-Hey.
How's my favourite girl? Hi.
How are you? Lloyd asked me to get this tape to you ASAP.
The pilot of Love Soup.
He thought it might be, you know, useful as a reference so.
Oh, right, thanks.
And did he ask you to deliver it in person? Oh, well, I was all done for the weekend anyway and.
Well, actually, I thought you might ask me in for a cup of tea.
What happened to your forehead? Oh, this woman hit me.
'Cause there I am thinking, I don't know, she's about to come onto me or something.
And then, it turns out she thinks she's got a future as a humorist, which is the only reason she invited me around in the first place.
I mean, it's bad enough I got this weird thing going on with my next door neighbour.
Who just broke up with her husband after, like, 25 years.
Any second, I've got this horrible feeling she's going to make some kind of move which.
Wow, sounds like you're a real hit with the HRT brigade.
And what would you do if she did? I don't know.
Just think on my feet, I guess.
Deal with it when it happens.
So, how you getting on with Lloyd? Oh, well.
There's a lot of mental undressing goes on I'm quite sure.
And I could do without some of the jokes, but, no, we get on pretty well actually.
I mean, he's actually very supportive of me and my condition and everything so.
Oh, yeah, I mean, Lloyd is Lloyd, you know.
I've known himmust be about three years now.
You know, we did this real pile of junk series for Granada which, I guess, came under the heading of a steep learning curve.
Oh, God! Okay.
Here.
Oh, hell.
No.
Now what am I going to do? Just think on your feet.
Now that was kind of underhand, wouldn't you say? Right.
Really? Oh, God, I suppose it was.
Do you think? Oh, God, why did I do that? 'Cause I'm not like that, honestly, I'm not and now you're going to think I'm just, like, this complete slut.
Well, that would be a rather harsh way of putting it.
I had absolutely no right to assume that you would.
Oh, God! I didn't mean to assume anything.
What am I even doing here? I should never have come here.
I've just completely humiliated myself by being so wanton.
No.
Listen, I would never accuse you of being wanton.
And weak 'cause this is what happens, you see, when you give in to lust and temptation.
-Hey, Natalie, stop worrying, you know.
It's okay.
-No, it's not okay, Gil.
I've sinned in the eyes of God.
-I am so sorry.
-Oh, nothing happened, come on.
Please forgive me.
Oh, God, look, I've got to go to the station, now! GIL: Oh, God, a Catholic narcoleptic, perfect combination! How do I get into these situations? It's okay, it's just a thunderstorm, you know.
It's not the Book of Revelations.
You'll get through it.
With all due respect, I think you're getting this Wrath of God thing out of proportion.
The sins of intent are just as real as those we commit.
And for what I've done today I know he will judge me accordingly.
Hiya! Are you back yet? Anyone in? Sorry, I don't understand.
When you say he got rid of half your shoes, I thought that was what you'd agreed.
You were going to leave him to choose which ones because you couldn't bear.
Yes, I left him to choose and he got rid of half my shoes.
One from each pair.
One cupboard full of left, one full of right.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
What am I going to do with 86 odd shoes? But he must have realised what you meant.
Of course he realised.
He saw me kissing that goofy Tildsley, didn't he? On the lips.
And that's put paid to our relationship.
Please don't make me go out spraying today.
I feel like some kind of circus freak.
GIL: Maybe she was right, it was the voice of God warning her off me.
See, if I put that in a script, people would say it was contrived.
Yeah, like the garbage that Sally woman wrote.
Page after page of unredeemed bitterness and bile.
I mean, lighten up, you know.
Go and watch Stan and Ollie dance in front of the saloon.
That's comedy.
Think I'm just going to lose all that tabloid newspaper stuff.
It's such a sledgehammer approach.
The whole thing needs to be more organic.
With real people like you meet in life.
Except, when do I ever meet any real people? Therein lies the problem.
ALICE: Whatever happened to trust between a man and a woman? Does it even exist anymore? I suppose they'll both find the right person eventually, but is there even such a thing as the right person? Or are all our relationships, in a sense, destined to be just a pair of odd shoes? Oh, shut up.
Got your little godson coming tomorrow.
That'll be nice.
Remember how a few days ago you were worried about him? That he was growing up too fast? And that's half your trouble, if truth be told.
You spend far too much time worrying yourself sick over nothing at all.
Do you like it?
I mean, what is that? I don't want to look at that on my fridge every morning.
It's extremely disturbing.
Five days, I'd say, is ample.
And then you really shouldn't feel guilty about putting them in a drawer.
Of course, with my godsons it's more difficult.
His mother has them all framed before she gives them to me.
Ever since I made the mistake of saying he was a budding Michelangelo.
Suppose I'll have to fish all them out again this week when they come round.
To avoid offence.
If he asks me when I last had intercourse, I don't know what I'll do.
I'll just have to lie.
Well, I did recently spend the night with a man who pleasured my feet.
But then it all got a bit awkward when he came up for air and found me writing a shopping list.
So we both turned over and went to sleep.
How to sound like a lunatic.
Oh, for goodness sake! You're just here for some more Prozac.
Why would he want to know when you had intercourse? Alice Chenery, room 4.
If he asks me, I'll have to lie.
GIL: The sound of a blackbird.
Just has to be right up there, doesn't it? As one of the reasons for living.
Of course, that's just my opinion.
The birdsong critic of the Sunday Times would probably find it ''mawkishly fluting and devoid of contemporary insight''.
So what do I know? Well, I know I'm not going write anything funny standing here.
You think if you come out first thing in the morning, it'll help clear your mind, you're going to start to free-associate and come up with some great new ideas but I don't know, when you're at one with nature it's very hard to contemplate the folly of man.
Oh, now when did all this nonsense start? I have nothing against Charlotte.
I don't know who Charlotte is, I hope she has a really great time, but this is just noise pollution for the deaf.
It's like today I'm going to walk around with my underpants on the outside.
It's personal stuff, okay.
You don't need to share it with the rest of the world.
Now this I quite like, I think.
Let's see, I wonder if I can get a meeting with Lloyd tomorrow.
Hey! A little respect, okay.
See, she's fallen for the old frosted glass myth.
You think no one can see anything from outside, but.
Did I dream that the other day? She'd put my face on that photo with her husband? Maybe just digital doodling of some kind.
Possibly.
For crying out loud! Will you come away from this window? You're going turn into one of those guys with the thick pebble glasses who stand at the bottom of escalators.
It's disgusting.
Oh, my God! How did she see me? That's unreal.
So that's that, then.
I'll have to sell my house and leave the country.
A perfect start to the day.
MAN: Could a member of the cleaning staff go to checkout 4 please? Checkout 4.
Is that.
From the doctor's waiting room? Oh, God, it is as well.
Oh, God! Come on, come on, hurry! Why did I pick them up? Because they got nothing smaller and you're right out.
Yes, but what's he going to think? When you've just come from the doctor's? And what on earth possessed you to buy that mop? Perhaps with any luck he won't see me.
Yes! And there goes the air freshener! Thank you so much for this.
Please can I just die? You have no messages.
Sorry, what am I looking at here? A message from your godson? His name's Terry.
Now you read that.
''Wishing you a happy birthday.
'' -When was this? -Yesterday.
Never mind, just read on.
My God, you never said! Why on earth didn't you say something? That's the third year running.
I'm now definitely going to write it in the diary.
So what happened? Did you have a nice day? What did you do? Well, you know.
Just took things easy.
Sat in the park for a while, with the smell of the sweet peas, bit of reading, listened to the seagulls.
Ali, that's so tragic.
Why? Because I wasn't out till 3:30 in the morning getting legless? And didn't spend half the night with my head down the toilet? Now come on, look at this.
I can't remember if he's just turned 1 2 or 1 3.
But obviously loving his first mobile.
And see what he's put.
''Went for a wamk on the hill today and thought of you.
'' -Wamk? -W-A-M-K.
-Well, it's a typo obviously.
-Well, you say that.
-''Went for a walk'' it's meant to say.
-I sincerely hope so.
Ali, what else could it be? -Don't.
-I haven't seen him for two years.
You know what it's like, they hit puberty suddenly, it's like an explosion.
Spots and hormones.
Wondering now whether to say anything to his parents.
She was my closest friend at school.
In any case, it's not the worst thing he could write, is it? If someone was thinking about me while they were doing it, I'd be quite flattered.
I'm his godmother, Cleo.
I'm supposed to be responsible for his moral and religious upbringing.
I mean, if I thought for a minute he was starting to think of me in that way at 1 3.
-Oh, it's obviously ''walk''.
-Of course it is.
Because he knows how much you like walking.
And talking of doing it, I suppose you've heard nothing else from, what was his name, Clive? She's quite convinced now she's scared him off.
I mean, I don't know, do I? He was nice enough in his way, but I just wonder if that's enough for me in a man.
That he can take five toes in his mouth.
I suppose he was quite dishy.
And you spent the night together.
Must have seen some potential.
Well, if he was still interested, he'd have rung by now, wouldn't he? So.
Yeah, and what if he's sitting at home thinking the same thing? No one's going to ring anyone.
-Let me give him a call.
What was his number? -Will you put that down? Look, isn't it time you were out spraying? Jacquot Pour Homme? And try and forget the association with diabetes mellitus and just concentrate on those targets.
I might do it when you're not looking.
Diabetes mellitus? Yeah, apparently it's one of the signs when you pass out too much sugar in your urine.
It gives it a kind of sickly sweet citrus smell.
God, isn't that funny how quickly you can go off something? -Excuse me.
-Yes, how can I help? Someone bought this eau de toilette for my husband, but it's not really one he uses.
I was wondering if I could have a refund.
Yes, do you have the receipt at all? -Well, obviously not.
It was a present.
-Right.
I'm afraid we can't refund without proof of purchase, is the problem.
It may not even have been bought here.
And I notice the seal has been broken.
I've never had any trouble here in the past.
I thought this store had a no quibble policy.
Who is in charge of this counter? I'm afraid I am.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I can let you have another product or products to the same value.
In fact, we've just got a new fragrance in from Paris he might be interested in.
It's quite bold.
With a suggestion of oranges.
Here he is, the thief of bad gags, Gil Raymond.
How the devil are you? Yes, still ticking over.
How about you? Got quite a little empire going here now by the looks of things.
Brian, stop by when you've got a moment.
We need to talk.
Sorry to keep you, it's been one of those mornings.
I've just taken on this new PA as part of our disability quota.
Narcoleptic, but a canny little worker when she's awake.
You got your travel sickness pills? We're on the 1 3th floor.
Thirteenth floor.
So, how far did you get with Gina? In what way? You know she's taken six months off to try and get pregnant.
You're kidding! All my agent said was the project had been passed to you.
Right.
Of course, she's happily shacked up with this make-up girl as she probably told you.
Make-up girl? No, she never said a word.
The two of them are desperate to have kids so apparently they decided if she could find some guy who was happy to keep banging her till they got a result, no strings attached, she'd put some time aside.
I think she said he was some kind of street performer.
You're not serious? I mean, you know, we only met a couple of times.
There was no suggestion, but.
Yeah, well, Gina, I tell you.
That's between a rock and a hard place.
And many men have been lured to their death.
So just be glad you weren't tempted.
Yeah, right.
So, yeah.
There you go.
It's tragic, really.
Someone of her age, but.
Sit yourself down.
So how often does this.
Two or three times a day? On average.
Yeah, she'll just be taking some dictation, whatever, and suddenly.
Interesting background actually.
Her parents are very strict Catholics, which I always think, you know.
Well, you know the old gag? Only two things are certain in life, death and nurses.
-With apologies to oldwhat's his face? -Benjamin Franklin.
I would expand that to death, nurses and girls who went to convent school.
'Cause, I mean, all those years of repressed sexuality it's got to be like a time bomb.
-Yes, can we.
-Yes! Sorry, Love Soup.
-You've had some thoughts? -Well, a concept at least.
Basically, it would all be set in the not too distant future.
Democracy and the whole judicial system have burnt out, and surrendering to the inevitable, the country's now governed by tabloid newspapers.
-Okay.
-And our story concerns two teenagers.
Very much in love, respectable middle-class kids.
He's 1 7, but she's still only 1 5 and the two of them, obviously, are consumed with adolescent lust for each other.
But as law-abiding citizens, realise they can't consummate their passion until she's reached the age of consent.
So they're in a friend's house on the eve of her 1 6th birthday, waiting for the stroke of midnight, when all their carnal desires will become legal.
Half an hour later they surface and to their horror realise it's the last Saturday in October, the night the clocks go back.
And it's still only 1 1.
:35 which means the young man has just committed a most depraved and perverted act.
He immediately gives himself up, throwing himself on the mercy of the authorities.
But they are bound by their code of conduct to exact the maximum penalty.
I mean, you know, that's about as far as I've blocked it, but.
Controversial.
But no, that's nice, let's mix it up a bit.
I don't say it'll be a shoo-in with the network, so, you know, don't make it too.
Didactic? I know.
That's the risk, of course, but.
Oh, can I take this? Hello? Oh, Irene? Actually I'm in a meeting at the moment, but.
Uh-huh.
No.
I'll be in then.
Okay.
Right.
Yeah, bye.
Irene? My next door neighbour.
Yesterday morning.
Can you believe this? I'm in my office, she's right there opposite in the bathroom window completely naked.
I mean, frosted glass, but.
And I'm standing there gazing out like a moron.
Suddenly she looks across and gives me the wave.
I felt like such a creep.
So.
And now she wants to pop around this evening.
Said she'd like to have a quiet word with me.
What do you mean, gave you a wave? It sounds as if she was being friendly.
She had no clothes on! You see, this is where life always passes you by, Gil.
You never see the opportunities.
You hang around too long trying to second-guess people's motives.
You can talk yourself out of anything.
Well, this time, Lloyd, I don't think so.
This was like, ''Hey, there! Getting a nice look at the goods?'' I tell you, my luck, she'll probably file a complaint.
It'll be me that's named and shamed in the papers.
Ooh! Gosh! -Er, sorry.
-That's okay, sweetheart, you relax.
Don't worry about it.
This is Gil Raymond.
One of our finest living comedy writers.
Gill, Natalie Brown.
-Hi.
-How do you do? Erm.
Sorry.
Do you mind if I just.
Two minutes.
Oh! The complete first series of Friends! When did you sneak out and get this, you little rascals? I remember you said you'd never seen it.
Yes! Well, I actually said I never watch it, which is almost the same thing.
-But, no, thank you.
-Happy birthday to Alice! Slightly belated.
Thank you.
So, come on then, what on earth's happening with you and this Clive bloke? Sounds to me as if you haven't even given it a chance.
I'm not even sure how I feel about him.
On the plus side, obviously, he's very sweet, good-looking, terribly charming.
And the minus side? He's very sweet, good-looking and terribly charming.
I mean, that does seem to be it.
You know, the length and breadth of him sadly.
Deep down I've just got this feeling he may be a bit of a bimbo.
That's what I thought about Greg to begin with.
Then you get to know him and there's actually quite a lot going on up there.
And I tell you this much, he's very creative in the bedroom.
What? Maximising wardrobe space, that kind of thing? They do it to Elvis records.
Say again? Fifties Revival, Ali.
It's now the key to our love life.
It's like, he makes up these special collections with different numbers on a CD.
So we'll start off to a nice slow ballad, like Love Me Tender and then, as the numbers get a bit funkier, -gradually up the tempo until.
-Rock 'n' roll.
It's not all plain sailing, of course.
He's been having a right go at me this week, about my shoes.
But you know, any relationship, you have to work at it.
'Cause how many pairs have you got now? Well, he says 86 is too many for anyone.
It's like living with a centipede and that I should give some to charity.
I said, ''Let me have a think about that.
'' I'll have a word with my oracle first and see what she has to say on the subject.
-Sorry, your what? -My oracle? She's got this little centre where you go for a consultation in the Finchley Road.
What, you mean like a fortune-teller? -Sort of.
-With tea leaves and.
It's a bit more sophisticated than that.
No, she mostly uses tarot cards.
And what they call phrenology, which is where they feel the bumps on your head.
Only, because I've got an abscess there at the moment it could give a false reading so.
Or sometimes she goes into, like, a trance, and talks backwards.
I think I've heard of her.
Isn't she some kind of adviser to the Treasury? The thing is, Gil, I don't know why I find this so difficult to say but yesterday morning.
Maybe it's best if I say and just start with a great, big, grovelling apology, you know.
I mean, for looking, Irene, not leering.
I swear to God, you know, 'cause.
I'm sorry, Gil, you've completely lost me.
In the bathroom yesterday? First thing, by the window? Of course, with the rippled glass and everything obviously we're talking about contour here only, definitely no detail.
But you could see that I was.
'Cause I think you had some net curtains up there before, if I'm right.
Yes.
I thought they needed a wash.
Anyway, that wasn't what I came to see you about.
I was just going to say that yesterday morning, I happened to run into an old friend of mine I haven't seen for ages and.
Well, to cut a long story short we decided to have a bit of a dinner party tomorrow night and.
I mean, for goodness sake, I can't think why you'd want to join us but it'll be the first time since Bob left that I've been involved in any kind of social.
-Intercourse? -Activity.
And you know what it's like when you're there with everyone else, without a partner.
Anyway, you'd be very welcome.
And I know they'd all love to meet you, -but you've probably got something else on so.
-Wellactually.
And if you hadn't, I wouldn't blame you for inventing something.
Tomorrow night? I'll look forward to it.
MILLY: So you reckon I should go and see this oracle about Brian? CLEO: Definitely, babe.
If it's still worrying you.
-Brian.
What's he been up to? -She thinks he might trying to pull her mum.
God, it's always something with you two.
Based on what? Based on every time we go round to see my parents, whereabouts does he always kiss her? -On the mouth.
-So? ''Dear Harriet.
I've noticed that when my husband greets other women ''he always kisses them on the lips rather than the cheeks.
''Is this something I should be worried about?'' Harriet writes, ''This is certainly not normal.
''Mouth-to-mouth contact invariably signals sexual desire ''and should be practised only with your partner.
''By the sound of things it might well be time to question your husband's motives.
'' Please.
She's 4 7, Ali.
She's old enough to be his mother! Well, she's your mother.
Exactly! I never thought anything of it before.
I just thought he was being friendly till I read this.
Some people kiss on the mouth and some on the cheeks, what does it matter? It doesn't automatically mean he wants to rip your mum's clothes off and pin her to the floor.
Oh, don't! I can't even imagine my dad doing that.
-It's of no significance whatsoever.
-Well, why does she say it, then? Because she's an idiot.
How dare she sit there Judging people she hasn't even met? Look at her.
Grinning at the camera with her chin in her hand.
Any woman, I'm sorry, who poses for a photo with her chin in her hand is a phoney.
Do you reckon? I'm just being stupid? Come on, you're not going to find the most sensible advice, are you, on a page like this? -What's your horoscope say? -Oh, that's a point.
Horoscopes, oracles, agony aunts.
Going to have to leave you to it, I think, if I want to get back tonight.
God knows what I'll do tomorrow with this rail strike.
What time does it start? 1 :00? I suppose there's always the dreaded coach service.
Well, why don't you stay in town, Ali? For once in your life.
I can always put you up.
Oh, well.
-Actually, would you mind? -No, no problem.
Just bring a toothbrush.
Okay.
Well, see you all, folks, then.
And thank you.
Oh, don't forget your Friends! Whoops-a-daisy! -Okay, then, bye.
-Bye.
What you thinking? Thinking what she needs is a damn good.
-Nudge? -Definitely.
Well, why don't you ask her as I seem to be second choice at the moment? No, I can't! Anyway I'm back at work now so.
Well, tough! Oh, don't tell me.
He's been kissing your mother on the mouth again? -You said that didn't mean anything.
-No, absolutely not.
So what's this about, then? You'll just think I'm being totally moronic, as usual.
Don't be silly.
What's happened? You know I said he's just got this BMW? Second-hand but it's got this navigation thing where you programme in where you want to go and this woman's voice comes on giving all the directions, where to turn right, or whatever.
Well, why did they have to make her so posh for a start? 'Cause you know what guys are like with that Joanna Lumley type.
All deep and husky.
Or they could easily have made it a man's voice.
Instead of which making me seem like a right old bit of tat by comparison.
You see? I knew you wouldn't understand.
Hello! I'm sorry.
Who's calling? Erm.
-Excuse me.
-I know, I know! Sorry.
I had to get this asparagus for Greg's tea and there was a queue a mile long in Marks & Spencer.
Well, you should give yourself more time in the first place.
You didn't go out.
Pardon? He'll probably be watching me down in the office.
On the security cameras.
Someone called Larry for you.
Voice seems very faint, I can't make it out.
Larry Shytus? I don't know anyone called Larry.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah.
Now, don't freak out or anything but I took the liberty of ringing him up for you.
Clive.
I said you were quite keen to see him again, but were a bit nervous about getting in touch.
You what? And he said he would have called but he's got this very bad laryngitis, okay? But he did want to meet up again so I said how would tonight be as you were staying in town anyway.
Cleo! You are completely and totally out of order! How could you.
He said that? -He wanted to meet up? -Oh, God.
You know what it said in your stars? For those with a birthday this week? Your celestial bodies are uniquely aligned.
That means this could be the one moment in your life that'll never come round again when you get to meet your perfect partner.
You've got to go for it.
Hello? Clive? -WOMAN: Oh, God! Slime.
-Excuse me while I puke.
-I mean, I'm sorry, so sordid.
-The lies and deception.
I mean, if it hadn't been for Gil, who happened to make that comment that caught him out, he'd probably still be at it behind my back.
Three times a week? God, it turns your stomach.
I don't know if it's worse when they pay for it or when they do it for love? -He's paid for it now, the little shit.
-Well, he certainly has.
Er, you know, I'm wondering if you ladies would be happier if I just.
Oh, God, Gil, I'm sorry! We must seem like a real bunch of men-haters.
It's just that with all of us now coming from broken marriages.
I don't think we've ever actually compared notes to this extent, have we? Welcome to The Witches of Eastwick! -Are we making you feel uncomfortable? -He's a big boy.
Stop worrying.
No, we should talk about something else.
I think, don't you, Sally? Change the subject.
Otherwise it's not fair on the poor young man.
-Oh, no.
-Very true.
Where are our manners? Like it wasn't fair when I came home early that day with a migraine and found it there, on the floor of the lounge.
This monstrosity of naked, throbbing flesh.
I couldn't tell where one of them finished and the other one started.
Like in some of those gruesome figure studies by Francis Bacon.
Twenty-seven! Can you believe? He was only six years away from his bus pass.
I mean, the contempt they show for your feelings is just beyond belief.
And as for the lovely Ronald did he ever understand what I was going through at the time? Trying to keep my own business afloat, virtually single-handed, while he was out playing golf with his buddies from Cambridge.
He had no idea what was going on in my head.
The pressures I was under, the stew of hormones I had to contend with.
Well, of course, the arguments got worse and worse.
Inevitably, I ended up beating him.
Black and blue.
It was a cry for help.
I was hitting the bottle every night, screwing other men, he turned me into a monster! I mean, you just wonder how we all put up with this kind of treatment for so long.
I'll just go and see to the pasta.
Hi, Clive.
That went a bit skew-wiff.
Been so much debate this week on the counter about lip kissing and face kissing, and what it all means.
-Thank you.
Oh, dear, not much improvement, then? Erm.
Not brilliant, but.
-Here's the menu.
-Thank you.
Oh, God! No, no.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, you couldn't really, could you? So, I mean.
Ah! And I did.
Very much.
The only reason, I suppose, I haven't been in touch was because.
I don't know, I'm terrible like that.
You know, if you don't hear from someone, you just automatically assume, I mean, I always do that I'm a complete dead loss.
Oh! Well, that's very sweet of you.
WellI wouldn't say that.
GIL: You see, you should never have come here tonight.
Why do you let people talk you into these things? If you could only be strong enough to just make up your own mind now and again.
No, I'll stand corrected if I'm wrong I just thought I detected a little something back there, that's all.
-A little frisson? -Come on, Sally! You're imagining it.
No, I mean, a wife assaulting her husband? Be just the sort of thing, wouldn't it, that would go into one of your scripts? Good bit of comic mileage there, I imagine.
Personally, I.
You know, domestic violence, I think, is a very sensitive issue, in whatever form, so therefore not generally very funny.
-Hear, hear! -SALLY: Well, I'm glad we're agreed on that.
Because the number of times these days you see serious issues reduced to knockabout farce on the box.
What happened to a little wit, for God's sake? Some of those sitcoms they put out nowadays, you wonder if standards can sink any lower.
Well, that's certainly true.
What was that one where a woman kept talking about her pussy all the while? Did you have anything to do with that? I can say with enormous pride that I didn't, no.
You see, that I found quite funny.
Well, it had an innocence to it, for a start, that I think everyone could relate to.
Sort of commedia dell'arte via Donald McGill.
Yes, I actually heard an American say once what they liked about the show was that it didn't insult your intelligence.
But, I mean, you put a lot of thought into what you write.
What was that script you were telling me all about yesterday? This man, who is trying to get a 1 5-year-old girl into bed, before midnight, was it? Because she was underage, or after midnight? Sorry, that was.
Yes, well, there's actually kind of a broader concept to it beyond that about the way our lives are governed.
It must be very tempting, I suppose, for male writers to put all their private fantasies into their shows.
Anything that secretly turns you on, you just dress it up as a joke and the BBC'll go away and make it for you.
Well, yeah, what a professional perk that would be.
But happily, for all of us, it doesn't quite work that way.
So many of the producers and commissioning editors out there now are women.
Come on, Sally, credit him with a bit of integrity.
You make him sound like some kind of voyeur.
Oh, God, Ali.
I don't know what to say.
You must feel awful.
Why should I feel awful? Can someone explain that to me, please, because it makes no sense.
I'm sitting there looking at him thinking, ''You're right.
We have nothing in common.
'' So why do I feel as if all my insides have been scooped out? Because, I suppose, whichever way you look at it, you've been dumped.
Thank you.
But in the nicest way.
From what you're saying.
But I didn't want it to be nice.
How am I supposed to cope with ''nice''? In fact, I'll show you how nice he was.
Look.
He asked me if I wanted to keep the transcripts of his conversation.
As something to remember him by.
He's even signed the last page with a little smiley face underneath, bless him.
Sod him.
Yeah, sod him.
The thing is, I don't know, I came out of that restaurant tonight feeling so sorry for myself and then you walk 1 00 yards down the road and you realise you don't know what real misery is so.
Ready for a bit of shuteye now, I think, Cleo.
Well, the bed's all made up and ready for you.
But there's no rush.
If you want to just sit and talk.
I get the feeling I might be keeping you up.
That's no sweat, Ali.
And don't worry on that score.
We're not going to disturb you, I promise.
Of course, I forgot, yes.
With your Elvis numbers.
That's right.
No, 'cause, actually, Greg's come up with this really nifty little idea.
-That is utterly insane, Cleo.
-Well, of course it is! But, you know, we just want you to get a good night's sleep.
You're still in one piece? -What, the linguine? No, no, I thought you.
Well, yes, because.
No.
I did rather land you in it tonight, didn't I? You know I think we all got our wires a bit crossed because right up to the last minute, I just assumed they'd be bringing partners and by the time I found out, obviously having invited you round.
You know, I'm sorry about Sally.
I don't even know her that well.
She's acharacter.
God, she went for you, which really wasn't fair.
Well.
Oh, I put those curtains back up.
In the.
-No offence or anything.
-Oh, good, good.
Long as I'm forgiven, anyway.
Of course.
Hey.
Well I'll let you get some sleep.
-Good night.
-Yes.
Good night, Irene.
Hello? WOMAN: Was I a complete cow to you tonight at Irene's? Oh, I was, wasn't I? Er, sorry, who is this? Which I can't even blame on the wine.
I only had two glasses.
Sally? Er, no, don't worry about it.
You see, the thing with me, Gil, it's all insecurity.
Because of that awful time I went through.
I told you about it.
I still find it hard to take the blame for my own stupidity.
And then I get all defensive and hung-up on gender issues.
End up making phone calls like this.
So, you know, I just wanted to apologise.
-No, listen, it was just.
-I think I owe you lunch.
At the very least.
What do you say? Take away the nasty taste.
Erm.
See? Oh, God, you're going to turn me down, I can hear it in your voice.
Make me feel dreadful.
Come on, let me cook for you.
How about tomorrow? Erm.
Tomorrow, I think I'm free.
Why not? ALICE: How do other people run their lives so efficiently? Just doing the things they know are right for them.
Being able to say no when it matters.
It's such a gift.
Now, hang on, I know this, as well as anything.
I think.
Is it Jailhouse Rock? I mean, you knew full well that was never going to go anywhere tonight, you knew.
Or are you just saying that now after the event? Oh, this is a tricky one, what is that? This is turning into one of those strange music rounds on University Challenge.
It's not Return to Sender, we've had that.
Oh, oh! Viva Las Vegas.
Got it.
Hooray.
Oh, God, I wish I was at home.
So did you ever find out any more, I meant to ask you, about that text message from your godson? Oh, I think I managed to convince myself it was all perfectly innocent.
Reminds me, they're coming round for lunch on Sunday.
-I need to get some food in.
-I'm sorry that other was such a washout.
I hope you got a decent night's sleep in at least.
Yes, I think I managed to nod off somewhere around Blue Suede Shoes.
Talking of which, I see what he means about your collection.
Oh, don't.
I've made the big decision now.
This weekend half of them are going to the Oxfam shop.
I said, ''But don't expect me to pick which ones.
'' That's like Sophie's Choice.
I don't even want to be there when he does it.
But don't worry, it'll give you a nice warm glow inside afterwards.
It'd better.
I mean, it's strange sometimes when you look back on a period in your life.
You can't believe it was you doing all those things, but there we are.
Bit of detox, a lot of counselling.
I had to work at it.
But then you do, don't you, if you want to reap the rewards in life? -Cheers.
-Cheers.
So, what kind of business were you in exactly when.
I ran a nursing agency.
Well, home care, support for the elderly, terminally ill.
I worked as a nurse myself for 1 2 years but.
A lot of pressure for very little gain, I'm afraid.
-It got too much for me.
-You were a nurse? Yes, look deep, it's in there.
A spark of humanity.
No, I mean, it's all very well living on your own on the proceeds of a generous divorce settlement but it's not enough, is it? -Isn't it? -Not for me, it isn't.
The days and nights can get very empty if you're not careful.
The nights especially, if you're at a loose end.
You may think I had an ulterior motive inviting you here today.
And you'd be right.
What's this? I've shown it to two of the women in my Pilates class and they both think it's hilarious.
But written with wit and intelligence.
Wow.
So you've been busy on the laptop? -For an old witch.
-Used the spell check, obviously.
With your contacts, I thought you might be able to place it for me with a TV company.
It's basically an Alan Bennett-type treatment of a single woman facing the menopause.
Final draft.
That's impressive.
-Obviously, I don't expect you to read it now.
-No.
You can wait till after we've eaten.
Glass of wine, put your feet up and I'll await your verdict.
MILLY: I'm not speaking to you anymore.
You know full well why.
Just listen to this, Ali.
.
WOMAN'S SEXY VOICE: At the roundabout take the first exit.
Then continue straight on.
BRIAN: Milly, are you still there? WOMAN'S VOICE: You are deviating from the designated route.
-BRIAN: I can hardly hear you.
-If possible do a U-turn.
BRIAN: Milly, what the hell is this all about? WOMAN'S VOICE: If possible, do a U-turn.
You are deviating.
Oh, God! You see what I'm saying? You are not telling me he had both hands on that steering wheel! Milly, can we just pause for breath here a second? Two nights ago you were convinced he was after your mum.
Now he's having unnatural relations with a satellite navigation system? -I've got very bad PMT.
-And I sympathise.
But just try and be sensible.
That's never him! -ALICE: My God, it is as well.
-What? ALICE: That bloke.
Last night, I'd stake my life on it, he was sitting in a doorway pretending to be a homeless person.
I gave him five pounds.
When you say the humour could be a bit stronger, which lines in particular are we talking about? Well, it's not a question of lines.
It's not something you can label, you know, or quantify, it's there or it isn't.
Look, I'm the worst person in the world for judging other people's material.
I have enough trouble with my own, it's justyou pressed me for an honest reaction.
I think I see what you're saying here.
If Alan Bennett had written it basically, it would be from a cosy, middle-class, male perspective whereas this is too dangerous, challenging and feminist for you.
No, I'm saying if Alan Bennett had written it, it would be funny.
-I think it's time you left.
-I tend to agree.
Yes? Hello.
Oh, hello.
Can I help? You probably don't remember me.
You sold me an eau de toilette for my husband which, I'm afraid, wasn't at all suitable for his skin.
It caused the most terrible flare-up.
You say you don't test these things on animals.
Do you actually test them at all? Personally, I don't.
No.
But I do remember you, madam.
And I remember I didn't sell you this.
I exchanged it for another item you brought in.
Er, obviously, I'm sorry if it's caused him problems.
Yes, two minutes.
I'll meet you outside after I've sorted this out.
-Is that your husband? -It is.
And this time, if you don't mind, I'll just have a straight refund please.
I haven't got time to.
What? No, I was just thinking.
Isn't it funny when I last saw that man, he appeared to be some kind of vagrant in a cardboard box begging for money in the street.
-What exactly are you implying? -Well.
I'm very sorry, but it's just we do have to be careful, obviously, about the risk of fraud.
It's not unknown for people to acquire cut price versions of our products from a dubious source and then go around shops trying to trade them in at full value.
-I think I'd better go.
-I tend to agree.
I think I'd better go before I do something I may later regret.
Have you ever heard of a coronary condition called a vasovagal episode? -Er.
-No, I didn't imagine so.
Well, just pray you never have one because the effect on your body is fairly terrifying.
And if you should ever be unfortunate enough to suddenly collapse shivering in a doorway one night on your way home, Just pray some idiot doesn't come along and shove money in your hand when what you desperately need is an ambulance.
Oh.
Really? And the redness on his neck.
And, unlike you, I'm quite happy to give a refund.
It wasn't really your night last night, was it? Oh, God! And here comes our favourite sales rep, Mr Tildsley.
I don't think I'm quite in the mood at the moment.
-Cleo, would you mind? -Of course.
-Hey.
-Hey.
How's my favourite girl? Hi.
How are you? Lloyd asked me to get this tape to you ASAP.
The pilot of Love Soup.
He thought it might be, you know, useful as a reference so.
Oh, right, thanks.
And did he ask you to deliver it in person? Oh, well, I was all done for the weekend anyway and.
Well, actually, I thought you might ask me in for a cup of tea.
What happened to your forehead? Oh, this woman hit me.
'Cause there I am thinking, I don't know, she's about to come onto me or something.
And then, it turns out she thinks she's got a future as a humorist, which is the only reason she invited me around in the first place.
I mean, it's bad enough I got this weird thing going on with my next door neighbour.
Who just broke up with her husband after, like, 25 years.
Any second, I've got this horrible feeling she's going to make some kind of move which.
Wow, sounds like you're a real hit with the HRT brigade.
And what would you do if she did? I don't know.
Just think on my feet, I guess.
Deal with it when it happens.
So, how you getting on with Lloyd? Oh, well.
There's a lot of mental undressing goes on I'm quite sure.
And I could do without some of the jokes, but, no, we get on pretty well actually.
I mean, he's actually very supportive of me and my condition and everything so.
Oh, yeah, I mean, Lloyd is Lloyd, you know.
I've known himmust be about three years now.
You know, we did this real pile of junk series for Granada which, I guess, came under the heading of a steep learning curve.
Oh, God! Okay.
Here.
Oh, hell.
No.
Now what am I going to do? Just think on your feet.
Now that was kind of underhand, wouldn't you say? Right.
Really? Oh, God, I suppose it was.
Do you think? Oh, God, why did I do that? 'Cause I'm not like that, honestly, I'm not and now you're going to think I'm just, like, this complete slut.
Well, that would be a rather harsh way of putting it.
I had absolutely no right to assume that you would.
Oh, God! I didn't mean to assume anything.
What am I even doing here? I should never have come here.
I've just completely humiliated myself by being so wanton.
No.
Listen, I would never accuse you of being wanton.
And weak 'cause this is what happens, you see, when you give in to lust and temptation.
-Hey, Natalie, stop worrying, you know.
It's okay.
-No, it's not okay, Gil.
I've sinned in the eyes of God.
-I am so sorry.
-Oh, nothing happened, come on.
Please forgive me.
Oh, God, look, I've got to go to the station, now! GIL: Oh, God, a Catholic narcoleptic, perfect combination! How do I get into these situations? It's okay, it's just a thunderstorm, you know.
It's not the Book of Revelations.
You'll get through it.
With all due respect, I think you're getting this Wrath of God thing out of proportion.
The sins of intent are just as real as those we commit.
And for what I've done today I know he will judge me accordingly.
Hiya! Are you back yet? Anyone in? Sorry, I don't understand.
When you say he got rid of half your shoes, I thought that was what you'd agreed.
You were going to leave him to choose which ones because you couldn't bear.
Yes, I left him to choose and he got rid of half my shoes.
One from each pair.
One cupboard full of left, one full of right.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
What am I going to do with 86 odd shoes? But he must have realised what you meant.
Of course he realised.
He saw me kissing that goofy Tildsley, didn't he? On the lips.
And that's put paid to our relationship.
Please don't make me go out spraying today.
I feel like some kind of circus freak.
GIL: Maybe she was right, it was the voice of God warning her off me.
See, if I put that in a script, people would say it was contrived.
Yeah, like the garbage that Sally woman wrote.
Page after page of unredeemed bitterness and bile.
I mean, lighten up, you know.
Go and watch Stan and Ollie dance in front of the saloon.
That's comedy.
Think I'm just going to lose all that tabloid newspaper stuff.
It's such a sledgehammer approach.
The whole thing needs to be more organic.
With real people like you meet in life.
Except, when do I ever meet any real people? Therein lies the problem.
ALICE: Whatever happened to trust between a man and a woman? Does it even exist anymore? I suppose they'll both find the right person eventually, but is there even such a thing as the right person? Or are all our relationships, in a sense, destined to be just a pair of odd shoes? Oh, shut up.
Got your little godson coming tomorrow.
That'll be nice.
Remember how a few days ago you were worried about him? That he was growing up too fast? And that's half your trouble, if truth be told.
You spend far too much time worrying yourself sick over nothing at all.
Do you like it?