Lowdown (2010) s01e02 Episode Script
Bonk Bonk, Who's There?
Are you alright, mate? I'm late for the most important interview of the year and I've just found out I might have cancer of the fucking arse! If this paper were in trouble, it'd be pieces on blokes rooting sheilas for five hours that'd keep it afloat.
Is it in trouble? Nuh.
What's going on with Neil? The editor's sacking people.
Is Wasp Warneke someone you'd like to photograph? Oh, yeah! Rita! NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS: The wintergreen, the juniper The cornflower and the chicory Well, all of the words you said to me Are still vibrating in the air The elm, the ash and the linden tree The dark and deep enchanted sea The trembling moon and the stars unfurled Well, there she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes again.
MAN: I grew up in a world of men.
There were the men that I'd fight and there were the men I loved.
Then came the day that I had to fight the man I loved.
NARRATOR: Hollywood heart-throb Oliver Barry is back in Melbourne to promote his neo-realist film.
'The Weeping Fist'? It must be a really sad fist.
Either that or a badly infected fist.
I can see you're the right guys for the interview.
Actually, Alex and Oliver share a birthday, so I reckon we are the right guys for the interview.
Yeah, I do feel a bit of a connection with people who have the same birthday as me.
Doesn't Adolf Hitler have the same birthday as you? Well, I think upbringing also has a lot to do with things.
Mmm.
OK, background.
Now, happy to talk about prepping for the role.
He broke three ribs during the fight scenes.
Happy to discuss that.
Private life - off limits.
Do not ask questions about wife or children.
And favourite vegetable - spinach.
Is that it? Well, you're a good writer.
You can make it work.
Do you think our readers are gonna be interested in broken ribs and spinach? He's a huge celebrity! They'll be fascinated.
No, they're gonna want more than that.
(SIGHS) OK.
But this is strictly confidential.
On Monday, Oliver Barry will be voted 'Wow! ' magazine's sexiest man alive.
Whoa, he's jumped from 10th to 1 st.
That's unprecedented.
Anyone else got this? No, of course not.
(DOOR SLIDES) Gentlemen.
BOTH: Dylan.
How was he? Sexy.
Sexier than anyone else alive? Yes.
Oh, get over it! Doesn't worry me.
Oliver's given me three potential splashes anyway.
We had quite a connection.
Did you? Right - you guys are last for today.
How about we go for a drink when you finish? Yeah, sure - as long as you don't bang on about what I can and can't say in the story.
Not everything's work related! NARRATOR: Alex was perplexed.
Hope van der Boom hadn't had a non-work-related conversation since late 1997.
Oliver.
Alex Burchill.
How are you? G'day.
My photographer, Bob Geraghty.
So, Oliver, could you start off by telling us how you managed to get into the mind of a gay boxer? Uh, well, I don't think that's really relevant, mate.
Oh, OK.
Um Well, apparently you lost 10 kilos to play the role.
No.
I'm sorry - my mistake.
Was it 9 kilos? No.
Eight? Yep.
Any funny stories that you could tell us about that happened while you were prepping or on set? Um nuh.
Really? Well, I'm sure something funny happened, but But you can't think of it right now.
No.
Is there anything you can think of that you might like to tell us? Yeah, well, whatever was in that briefing document.
Um, breaking your ribs and spinach.
Yeah, no.
Delete 'spinach'.
Well, I tell you what, it must have been agony breaking your ribs.
(LAUGHS) It was, yeah.
OK, well thanks for that.
That Yeah.
You got enough? Absolutely.
That was great.
Oh, by the way, happy birthday for tomorrow.
Thanks.
It's actually my birthday too.
Right! Yeah - you, me, Adolf Hitler and Jessica Lange.
OK.
Alright.
BOB: Well, that story's not gonna save the paper.
Apparently Dylan's photo by-line is going from a 5cm head shot to a 10cm mid shot next week.
Why don't they do that for you? There's no evidence of an increase in circulation.
What did you guys do last week? 450,000.
Under four and you fold, right? Surely we could talk about something other than the industry.
Well, um there is something I'd like to tell you.
I'm going to have a baby.
That's wonderful! Congratulations! Congratulations, Hope.
When's it due? Assuming all goes well this time next year.
Wow! How does that work? Well, I'm going to need a donation.
Of sperm.
Look, I know it's a lot to ask.
I just want you to think about it.
And I want you to know this is not a random choice.
I examined my circle of friends and I think I can safely say we're friends.
Yeah and I just think you have the best physical and mental qualities of any man I know.
So, Bob would you consider being my sperm donor? BOTH: What? And as far as the baby's concerned, you can have as much or as little contact as you like.
I'm blown away, Hope.
And, um I'm gonna consider it very, very carefully.
(MOUTHS WORDS) NARRATOR: This was undoubtedly the most brutal rejection Alex had experienced over something he never wanted in the first place.
(SHRIEKS) Give us a smile, Mr Barry! No! (PHONE BEEPS) Huh.
Rita wants us to drop into the gallery.
Sorry - is this the same Rita who cheated on you with Wasp Warneke? Yeah, but if you sleep with a celebrity, it's not technically cheating, apparently.
And how do you figure that? Apparently, anyone who gets a chance to sleep with a celebrity would.
It's just that most people don't get the opportunity to sleep with a celebrity.
So basically, you can't trust Rita.
No.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Wait! Get in! Where do you wanna go? Anywhere.
Just go! Go, go, go, go! Evasive driving was one of Bob's most impressive talents, alongside cordon bleu cooking and being fluent in Dira, a Southern Oceanic language spoken on a remote island in Vanuatu.
Provocative.
Whimsical.
Lazy.
Wouldn't want my kids to see that.
Doing anything later? Oh, I don't know if it's a good idea for us to be spending time together.
I said I was sorry! Yeah, I know.
I just need some time.
What for? To believe in us again.
Well, how long's that gonna take? I don't know! Rita, come and meet Ashley Morehead.
He's curating the next Sydney Biennale.
Uh-oh.
Dylan Hunt at 9 o'clock.
Where? 9 o'clock.
I'm looking at 9 o'clock.
A bit more to your right.
Bit more.
Bit more.
Right.
Shit.
Oliver, you better hide.
Where'd he go? Don't know.
Oliver! Oliver! Oliver! Oliver! You'd think the sexiest man alive would be easier to spot.
Just so you know, I texted Hope to give her the thumbs-up on the sperm donation.
That's great, mate.
You're not still shitty, are ya? No, no, I get it - there's only one thing worse than having a receding chin, and that's having two of them.
Mate, you don't have a double chin! Mate, there's more chins here than in a Beijing phone book, OK? And that is a gross exaggeration! Shit! How'd you get in? Well, in 'The Weeping Fist', my character was able to break into cars using nothing but a dipstick.
I actually left the car unlocked in case we needed a quick getaway.
Yes.
But you can still use a dipstick to break into an unlocked car.
We're thinking of going back to Bob's.
Brilliant.
I'm stuffed! Let's go! Oooh! Alex, I think you might have too many fieldsmen on the leg side, which is highly illegal.
Mate, it's a board game! Mate, it's 'Bodyline'! (CLOCK CHIMES) Happy birthday! Oh, thanks, mate! Perfume? What? No, it's not perfume.
Mate, that'd be a bit gay.
No, this is an aromatherapy kit.
Now, try this for size.
Frankincense and bergamot.
It's calming, but stimulating at the same time.
Now, if I put a drop of lime oil in there, then you get a totally different impact, because You're batting, mate.
Yeah, sure.
I'll just let that waft over us while we play.
Hey! I just came to say happy birthday! Happy birthday! You smell nice! (GROANS) Thanks.
Alex? (GASPS) You're not Alex! No, I'm Oliver.
Oh, wow! This is embarrassing.
Aren't you the artist? Yeah! Aren't you the 10th sexiest man alive? Yes.
But on Monday, I'll be announced as the sexiest man alive.
Right.
But at the moment, you're still the 10th sexiest man alive.
Yes, but on Monday I'll be number one.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, but right now you're still number 10.
ALEX: Oh, bowled him! BOB: I wasn't ready, mate.
Are we just gonna keep chitchatting or are we gonna get this show on the road? (SIGHS) Ooh! (KNOCKING SOUND AGAINST WALL) I went to boarding school with a kid who used to do that.
He wouldn't use his hand, 'cause that was a sin but apparently sticking his penis repeatedly into a pillow was totally fine.
Be sure to get rid of that pillow first thing.
Don't wash it, just burn it.
Oops! (KNOCKING CONTINUES) Ooh! (OLIVER MOANS) I'm actually quite enjoying that aroma.
Yeah? I put a hint of ylang ylang in there just to liven the place up a bit.
Mmm.
Hi! It's just me.
Was that you in there? Just came in to say happy birthday! Rita, how am I meant to believe in us again if you're in there rooting my housemate? He's not your housemate - he's a celebrity who somehow ended up in your bed! But I thought you wanted to give it another chance! I do! But you said you needed time.
I do! Well, then what's your problem? You're not supposed to just go off and sleep with the sexiest man alive! How am I supposed to know that? I can't read your mind.
(SIGHS) Well Happy birthday, anyway.
Now I feel really shit.
See you in the morning.
Yeah, see ya.
See ya.
Are you gonna bowl? I might pack it in, if that's OK, mate.
Yeah, course.
Do you need a No, no, no, no.
Do you want me to put a drop of camomile in the burner? No, mate.
'Night, then.
Goodnight, buddy.
Alex thought that next year for his birthday, he wouldn't mind going to Acapulco.
(SQUEAKING AND KNOCKING AGAINST WALL) (WHISPERS) Alex! Are you awake? What? (OLIVER MOANS) Maybe now you'll be able to get some sleep.
Yeah.
Um, re Hope's request, do you reckon I'd be able to knock the top off one now or do I have to let the sperm build up? I don't know! Righto.
Just try and keep the noise to a minimum.
Oh, I'm really silent.
(SQUEAKING AND KNOCKING AGAINST WALL) That's not me, by the way.
Hey.
What's this? It's the reason I came over last night.
Happy birthday.
Might open it later.
I think you'll like it.
Oh, thanks for that.
(GROANS) Ugh! I'm taking you and Bob out tonight.
My shout, wherever you want.
You coming? Uh, no, I've gotta see my sister tonight.
What about the paps? I can make myself anonymous.
Really? Yep.
Here's Oliver Barry, regular bloke.
Right.
Here's Oliver Barry, the movie star.
Right! Can you do the first one again? I do also have a Paul Hogan wig in my bag.
I'd go with that.
OK.
Done.
Many happy returns, by the way.
Yeah, you too.
(WHISPERS) He's lovely! (WHISPERS) Yeah.
And how old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Yes, we do need to know.
Right - so you were 11 when you had your first child? Alex, a word, if you please! You say in your article on Nicole Kidman "She was in Australia for the last two months.
" Yeah.
So she's deceased? No.
Ah, well, surely you mean "She was in Australia for the past two months.
" For if you use 'last', it implies a finality which Ms Kidman might not appreciate.
OK.
MAN: Hey, mate! (KNOCK AT DOOR, DOOR OPENS) I need a splash.
What if I told you Oliver Barry's not the family man he makes himself out to be? Keep talking.
He stayed at Bob's last night with a lady friend.
Keep talking.
He's a very slow fornicator and walks around the house shirtless.
Oh, I hate men who are comfortable with their bodies.
Mmm.
OK, we'll go big on this.
Don't let him out of your sight until the 'Argus's last edition has gone to bed.
No worries.
I'm thinking 'Wild About Barry'.
'The Trouble With Barry'.
'Thrust and Barry'.
'Dirty Barry'.
You have a gift.
Thanks, boss.
The editor suddenly came up with 'Barry the Dirty Dog', but it was too late - the competition had finished.
Trouble sleeping? Yeah.
(CLICKS MOUSE) Loss of appetite? Yeah.
(CLICKS MOUSE) Feeling unattractive? Yeah.
Sharna! Loss of interest and/or pleasure in all activities? Yeah.
Yes? Sharna, answer me this.
Do you find this man attractive? He's alright.
There you go.
Sharna thinks you're alright.
That'll be all.
Thanks, Sharna.
You know what I think? What do you think? I think you've got a broken heart.
Genius.
Now, broken hearts are like the common cold - everyone's got a theory on how to fix them.
But you know what works for me? Paroxetine? Strippers.
You see, you go into a strip club and there's this anonymity that's immensely liberating, much like the Dionysian festivities of the ancient Greeks in that the strip club As Alex listened to Dr James's theory on the health benefits of strip clubs, he couldn't help but feel that it seemed a little sad.
But then, as Dr James talked more, Alex came to think that it actually made quite a bit of sense.
Then, as he listened further, it started to seem really sad again.
Now, I think we should bear in mind strippers are people too, OK? So Have you ever thought about being a stripper? No.
'Cause they are people too, apparently.
(CHUCKLES) What about you? You ever consider getting your kit off for money? No, and it's not because I have a problem with my naked body.
I'm just not that good a dancer.
Well, that would be a problem.
Mmm.
And I'm not at all flexible.
Tortola lullabies don't normally come like this.
Oh, yeah.
They're normally a very masculine drink.
Otherwise Joel Garner would never have drunk them.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
What? Tortola lullabies were Joel Garner's favourite drink.
You know something about West Indian cricket, do you? Well more than anybody else in this room, I would think.
OK who were the West Indian opening batsmen in the team that won the record 11th straight test match in 1984? Haynes and Greenidge.
Yeah technically it was Greenidge and Haynes, 'cause Greenidge actually faced the first ball.
Yeah, but only because the Adelaide pitch was a bit green that day and Greenidge could handle the bounce better.
BOB: Cheers! ALL: Cheers! Happy birthday, mate.
Happy birthday.
Alex, can I just say that you and the lovely Sharna have my blessing? Why would we need your blessing? Well, I just thought since you and I have been intimate, that Alex You put your arm around me one night and I told you to take it away! Yes, but only because of the employer/employee situation.
Yeah.
Happy birthday, Alex.
Dylan! Thanks, mate.
Um, this is James, Sharna.
Bob you already know.
Two lapdancers.
And my cousin Oscar from Lightning Ridge.
I can see the resemblance.
You know who else is having a birthday tonight? Adolf Hitler? Oliver Barry.
Enjoy your night.
Hey, look, I just want you to know I promised my 'cousin' I'd look after his privacy.
Mate, I'm off duty, now that I've sent these.
'When Barry Met Sally'.
Picked a bad night to bring the sexiest man alive to Diamonds & Pearls.
It's Max Hutchins's bucks.
We're all here - the 'Post', the 'Times', the 'Herald', AAP.
I'm surprised you didn't know.
I forgot.
Did you? Hey, have you seen Oliver? I think he went off in search of recreational drugs.
(GROANS) No! "The Hollywood family man was caught "in the embrace of stripper Sally Barton, also known as Roxie.
" "At one point, comma, the Hollywood star "turned the tables on Roxie, comma, "by stripping for her himself, comma" "The former father of the year celebrating his birthday, comma, "which he shares with Adolf Hitler, comma, "at the notorious strip club Diamonds & Pearls.
" (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Adolf Hitler, comma (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Oliver, there's media everywhere! What? What? He's a celebrity! Ahh! Ahh! I'm warning you, Alex.
On any given day, a journo will always beat an actor in a fight.
Really? (EXHALES CALMLY) Foolish words, mate.
Foolish words.
(BOTH SCREAM) It's OK, everyone! I'm a doctor.
I just wanted to make it clear that when I screamed last night, it was because of a pre-existing injury.
It wasn't because of anything that you did.
Still, sorry for giving you such a brutal hiding.
And I'm sorry for getting off with your old girlfriend.
And your new girlfriend.
And I'm sorry for the article I've just written detailing in chapter and verse everything that's happened over the past 24 hours.
And I'm sorry that I dropped your computer in the toilet.
I can live with that.
And weed on it.
And if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go and wash my hands.
Bob.
Oliver.
You right? You don't need a hug or anything? No, I'm fine.
Well, this is the big moment! I'm quite possibly gonna be a daddy.
I'm proud of you, mate.
Oh, you don't have any bubble bottom porn, do you? No, mate.
It took her four months of parties, functions, and waiting outside dressing-rooms, but Rita eventually managed to get the baggy green signed by every member of the 2006-2007 Ashes-winning Australian cricket team.
Alex's first-person account of his 24 hours with Oliver Barry helped the 'Sunday Sun' survive another week and pushed Rita's exhibition into the mainstream.
But all this was insignificant compared with the tiny bottle of life Bob held in his right hand.
Ahh! Here you go.
Great.
Excellent.
(SIGHS) Alex.
Hope.
So, do you like my present? I just wanna say it's the nicest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever bought me.
Thank you! No worries! So, do you wanna catch up, see how things go? No! Oh, OK.
Do you wanna buy one of my works? I'll think about it.
Later, the artificial insemination clinic would reject Bob's sperm on the grounds that it contained dangerous concentrations of yeast.
Is it in trouble? Nuh.
What's going on with Neil? The editor's sacking people.
Is Wasp Warneke someone you'd like to photograph? Oh, yeah! Rita! NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS: The wintergreen, the juniper The cornflower and the chicory Well, all of the words you said to me Are still vibrating in the air The elm, the ash and the linden tree The dark and deep enchanted sea The trembling moon and the stars unfurled Well, there she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes again.
MAN: I grew up in a world of men.
There were the men that I'd fight and there were the men I loved.
Then came the day that I had to fight the man I loved.
NARRATOR: Hollywood heart-throb Oliver Barry is back in Melbourne to promote his neo-realist film.
'The Weeping Fist'? It must be a really sad fist.
Either that or a badly infected fist.
I can see you're the right guys for the interview.
Actually, Alex and Oliver share a birthday, so I reckon we are the right guys for the interview.
Yeah, I do feel a bit of a connection with people who have the same birthday as me.
Doesn't Adolf Hitler have the same birthday as you? Well, I think upbringing also has a lot to do with things.
Mmm.
OK, background.
Now, happy to talk about prepping for the role.
He broke three ribs during the fight scenes.
Happy to discuss that.
Private life - off limits.
Do not ask questions about wife or children.
And favourite vegetable - spinach.
Is that it? Well, you're a good writer.
You can make it work.
Do you think our readers are gonna be interested in broken ribs and spinach? He's a huge celebrity! They'll be fascinated.
No, they're gonna want more than that.
(SIGHS) OK.
But this is strictly confidential.
On Monday, Oliver Barry will be voted 'Wow! ' magazine's sexiest man alive.
Whoa, he's jumped from 10th to 1 st.
That's unprecedented.
Anyone else got this? No, of course not.
(DOOR SLIDES) Gentlemen.
BOTH: Dylan.
How was he? Sexy.
Sexier than anyone else alive? Yes.
Oh, get over it! Doesn't worry me.
Oliver's given me three potential splashes anyway.
We had quite a connection.
Did you? Right - you guys are last for today.
How about we go for a drink when you finish? Yeah, sure - as long as you don't bang on about what I can and can't say in the story.
Not everything's work related! NARRATOR: Alex was perplexed.
Hope van der Boom hadn't had a non-work-related conversation since late 1997.
Oliver.
Alex Burchill.
How are you? G'day.
My photographer, Bob Geraghty.
So, Oliver, could you start off by telling us how you managed to get into the mind of a gay boxer? Uh, well, I don't think that's really relevant, mate.
Oh, OK.
Um Well, apparently you lost 10 kilos to play the role.
No.
I'm sorry - my mistake.
Was it 9 kilos? No.
Eight? Yep.
Any funny stories that you could tell us about that happened while you were prepping or on set? Um nuh.
Really? Well, I'm sure something funny happened, but But you can't think of it right now.
No.
Is there anything you can think of that you might like to tell us? Yeah, well, whatever was in that briefing document.
Um, breaking your ribs and spinach.
Yeah, no.
Delete 'spinach'.
Well, I tell you what, it must have been agony breaking your ribs.
(LAUGHS) It was, yeah.
OK, well thanks for that.
That Yeah.
You got enough? Absolutely.
That was great.
Oh, by the way, happy birthday for tomorrow.
Thanks.
It's actually my birthday too.
Right! Yeah - you, me, Adolf Hitler and Jessica Lange.
OK.
Alright.
BOB: Well, that story's not gonna save the paper.
Apparently Dylan's photo by-line is going from a 5cm head shot to a 10cm mid shot next week.
Why don't they do that for you? There's no evidence of an increase in circulation.
What did you guys do last week? 450,000.
Under four and you fold, right? Surely we could talk about something other than the industry.
Well, um there is something I'd like to tell you.
I'm going to have a baby.
That's wonderful! Congratulations! Congratulations, Hope.
When's it due? Assuming all goes well this time next year.
Wow! How does that work? Well, I'm going to need a donation.
Of sperm.
Look, I know it's a lot to ask.
I just want you to think about it.
And I want you to know this is not a random choice.
I examined my circle of friends and I think I can safely say we're friends.
Yeah and I just think you have the best physical and mental qualities of any man I know.
So, Bob would you consider being my sperm donor? BOTH: What? And as far as the baby's concerned, you can have as much or as little contact as you like.
I'm blown away, Hope.
And, um I'm gonna consider it very, very carefully.
(MOUTHS WORDS) NARRATOR: This was undoubtedly the most brutal rejection Alex had experienced over something he never wanted in the first place.
(SHRIEKS) Give us a smile, Mr Barry! No! (PHONE BEEPS) Huh.
Rita wants us to drop into the gallery.
Sorry - is this the same Rita who cheated on you with Wasp Warneke? Yeah, but if you sleep with a celebrity, it's not technically cheating, apparently.
And how do you figure that? Apparently, anyone who gets a chance to sleep with a celebrity would.
It's just that most people don't get the opportunity to sleep with a celebrity.
So basically, you can't trust Rita.
No.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Wait! Get in! Where do you wanna go? Anywhere.
Just go! Go, go, go, go! Evasive driving was one of Bob's most impressive talents, alongside cordon bleu cooking and being fluent in Dira, a Southern Oceanic language spoken on a remote island in Vanuatu.
Provocative.
Whimsical.
Lazy.
Wouldn't want my kids to see that.
Doing anything later? Oh, I don't know if it's a good idea for us to be spending time together.
I said I was sorry! Yeah, I know.
I just need some time.
What for? To believe in us again.
Well, how long's that gonna take? I don't know! Rita, come and meet Ashley Morehead.
He's curating the next Sydney Biennale.
Uh-oh.
Dylan Hunt at 9 o'clock.
Where? 9 o'clock.
I'm looking at 9 o'clock.
A bit more to your right.
Bit more.
Bit more.
Right.
Shit.
Oliver, you better hide.
Where'd he go? Don't know.
Oliver! Oliver! Oliver! Oliver! You'd think the sexiest man alive would be easier to spot.
Just so you know, I texted Hope to give her the thumbs-up on the sperm donation.
That's great, mate.
You're not still shitty, are ya? No, no, I get it - there's only one thing worse than having a receding chin, and that's having two of them.
Mate, you don't have a double chin! Mate, there's more chins here than in a Beijing phone book, OK? And that is a gross exaggeration! Shit! How'd you get in? Well, in 'The Weeping Fist', my character was able to break into cars using nothing but a dipstick.
I actually left the car unlocked in case we needed a quick getaway.
Yes.
But you can still use a dipstick to break into an unlocked car.
We're thinking of going back to Bob's.
Brilliant.
I'm stuffed! Let's go! Oooh! Alex, I think you might have too many fieldsmen on the leg side, which is highly illegal.
Mate, it's a board game! Mate, it's 'Bodyline'! (CLOCK CHIMES) Happy birthday! Oh, thanks, mate! Perfume? What? No, it's not perfume.
Mate, that'd be a bit gay.
No, this is an aromatherapy kit.
Now, try this for size.
Frankincense and bergamot.
It's calming, but stimulating at the same time.
Now, if I put a drop of lime oil in there, then you get a totally different impact, because You're batting, mate.
Yeah, sure.
I'll just let that waft over us while we play.
Hey! I just came to say happy birthday! Happy birthday! You smell nice! (GROANS) Thanks.
Alex? (GASPS) You're not Alex! No, I'm Oliver.
Oh, wow! This is embarrassing.
Aren't you the artist? Yeah! Aren't you the 10th sexiest man alive? Yes.
But on Monday, I'll be announced as the sexiest man alive.
Right.
But at the moment, you're still the 10th sexiest man alive.
Yes, but on Monday I'll be number one.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, but right now you're still number 10.
ALEX: Oh, bowled him! BOB: I wasn't ready, mate.
Are we just gonna keep chitchatting or are we gonna get this show on the road? (SIGHS) Ooh! (KNOCKING SOUND AGAINST WALL) I went to boarding school with a kid who used to do that.
He wouldn't use his hand, 'cause that was a sin but apparently sticking his penis repeatedly into a pillow was totally fine.
Be sure to get rid of that pillow first thing.
Don't wash it, just burn it.
Oops! (KNOCKING CONTINUES) Ooh! (OLIVER MOANS) I'm actually quite enjoying that aroma.
Yeah? I put a hint of ylang ylang in there just to liven the place up a bit.
Mmm.
Hi! It's just me.
Was that you in there? Just came in to say happy birthday! Rita, how am I meant to believe in us again if you're in there rooting my housemate? He's not your housemate - he's a celebrity who somehow ended up in your bed! But I thought you wanted to give it another chance! I do! But you said you needed time.
I do! Well, then what's your problem? You're not supposed to just go off and sleep with the sexiest man alive! How am I supposed to know that? I can't read your mind.
(SIGHS) Well Happy birthday, anyway.
Now I feel really shit.
See you in the morning.
Yeah, see ya.
See ya.
Are you gonna bowl? I might pack it in, if that's OK, mate.
Yeah, course.
Do you need a No, no, no, no.
Do you want me to put a drop of camomile in the burner? No, mate.
'Night, then.
Goodnight, buddy.
Alex thought that next year for his birthday, he wouldn't mind going to Acapulco.
(SQUEAKING AND KNOCKING AGAINST WALL) (WHISPERS) Alex! Are you awake? What? (OLIVER MOANS) Maybe now you'll be able to get some sleep.
Yeah.
Um, re Hope's request, do you reckon I'd be able to knock the top off one now or do I have to let the sperm build up? I don't know! Righto.
Just try and keep the noise to a minimum.
Oh, I'm really silent.
(SQUEAKING AND KNOCKING AGAINST WALL) That's not me, by the way.
Hey.
What's this? It's the reason I came over last night.
Happy birthday.
Might open it later.
I think you'll like it.
Oh, thanks for that.
(GROANS) Ugh! I'm taking you and Bob out tonight.
My shout, wherever you want.
You coming? Uh, no, I've gotta see my sister tonight.
What about the paps? I can make myself anonymous.
Really? Yep.
Here's Oliver Barry, regular bloke.
Right.
Here's Oliver Barry, the movie star.
Right! Can you do the first one again? I do also have a Paul Hogan wig in my bag.
I'd go with that.
OK.
Done.
Many happy returns, by the way.
Yeah, you too.
(WHISPERS) He's lovely! (WHISPERS) Yeah.
And how old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Yes, we do need to know.
Right - so you were 11 when you had your first child? Alex, a word, if you please! You say in your article on Nicole Kidman "She was in Australia for the last two months.
" Yeah.
So she's deceased? No.
Ah, well, surely you mean "She was in Australia for the past two months.
" For if you use 'last', it implies a finality which Ms Kidman might not appreciate.
OK.
MAN: Hey, mate! (KNOCK AT DOOR, DOOR OPENS) I need a splash.
What if I told you Oliver Barry's not the family man he makes himself out to be? Keep talking.
He stayed at Bob's last night with a lady friend.
Keep talking.
He's a very slow fornicator and walks around the house shirtless.
Oh, I hate men who are comfortable with their bodies.
Mmm.
OK, we'll go big on this.
Don't let him out of your sight until the 'Argus's last edition has gone to bed.
No worries.
I'm thinking 'Wild About Barry'.
'The Trouble With Barry'.
'Thrust and Barry'.
'Dirty Barry'.
You have a gift.
Thanks, boss.
The editor suddenly came up with 'Barry the Dirty Dog', but it was too late - the competition had finished.
Trouble sleeping? Yeah.
(CLICKS MOUSE) Loss of appetite? Yeah.
(CLICKS MOUSE) Feeling unattractive? Yeah.
Sharna! Loss of interest and/or pleasure in all activities? Yeah.
Yes? Sharna, answer me this.
Do you find this man attractive? He's alright.
There you go.
Sharna thinks you're alright.
That'll be all.
Thanks, Sharna.
You know what I think? What do you think? I think you've got a broken heart.
Genius.
Now, broken hearts are like the common cold - everyone's got a theory on how to fix them.
But you know what works for me? Paroxetine? Strippers.
You see, you go into a strip club and there's this anonymity that's immensely liberating, much like the Dionysian festivities of the ancient Greeks in that the strip club As Alex listened to Dr James's theory on the health benefits of strip clubs, he couldn't help but feel that it seemed a little sad.
But then, as Dr James talked more, Alex came to think that it actually made quite a bit of sense.
Then, as he listened further, it started to seem really sad again.
Now, I think we should bear in mind strippers are people too, OK? So Have you ever thought about being a stripper? No.
'Cause they are people too, apparently.
(CHUCKLES) What about you? You ever consider getting your kit off for money? No, and it's not because I have a problem with my naked body.
I'm just not that good a dancer.
Well, that would be a problem.
Mmm.
And I'm not at all flexible.
Tortola lullabies don't normally come like this.
Oh, yeah.
They're normally a very masculine drink.
Otherwise Joel Garner would never have drunk them.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
What? Tortola lullabies were Joel Garner's favourite drink.
You know something about West Indian cricket, do you? Well more than anybody else in this room, I would think.
OK who were the West Indian opening batsmen in the team that won the record 11th straight test match in 1984? Haynes and Greenidge.
Yeah technically it was Greenidge and Haynes, 'cause Greenidge actually faced the first ball.
Yeah, but only because the Adelaide pitch was a bit green that day and Greenidge could handle the bounce better.
BOB: Cheers! ALL: Cheers! Happy birthday, mate.
Happy birthday.
Alex, can I just say that you and the lovely Sharna have my blessing? Why would we need your blessing? Well, I just thought since you and I have been intimate, that Alex You put your arm around me one night and I told you to take it away! Yes, but only because of the employer/employee situation.
Yeah.
Happy birthday, Alex.
Dylan! Thanks, mate.
Um, this is James, Sharna.
Bob you already know.
Two lapdancers.
And my cousin Oscar from Lightning Ridge.
I can see the resemblance.
You know who else is having a birthday tonight? Adolf Hitler? Oliver Barry.
Enjoy your night.
Hey, look, I just want you to know I promised my 'cousin' I'd look after his privacy.
Mate, I'm off duty, now that I've sent these.
'When Barry Met Sally'.
Picked a bad night to bring the sexiest man alive to Diamonds & Pearls.
It's Max Hutchins's bucks.
We're all here - the 'Post', the 'Times', the 'Herald', AAP.
I'm surprised you didn't know.
I forgot.
Did you? Hey, have you seen Oliver? I think he went off in search of recreational drugs.
(GROANS) No! "The Hollywood family man was caught "in the embrace of stripper Sally Barton, also known as Roxie.
" "At one point, comma, the Hollywood star "turned the tables on Roxie, comma, "by stripping for her himself, comma" "The former father of the year celebrating his birthday, comma, "which he shares with Adolf Hitler, comma, "at the notorious strip club Diamonds & Pearls.
" (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Adolf Hitler, comma (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Oliver, there's media everywhere! What? What? He's a celebrity! Ahh! Ahh! I'm warning you, Alex.
On any given day, a journo will always beat an actor in a fight.
Really? (EXHALES CALMLY) Foolish words, mate.
Foolish words.
(BOTH SCREAM) It's OK, everyone! I'm a doctor.
I just wanted to make it clear that when I screamed last night, it was because of a pre-existing injury.
It wasn't because of anything that you did.
Still, sorry for giving you such a brutal hiding.
And I'm sorry for getting off with your old girlfriend.
And your new girlfriend.
And I'm sorry for the article I've just written detailing in chapter and verse everything that's happened over the past 24 hours.
And I'm sorry that I dropped your computer in the toilet.
I can live with that.
And weed on it.
And if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go and wash my hands.
Bob.
Oliver.
You right? You don't need a hug or anything? No, I'm fine.
Well, this is the big moment! I'm quite possibly gonna be a daddy.
I'm proud of you, mate.
Oh, you don't have any bubble bottom porn, do you? No, mate.
It took her four months of parties, functions, and waiting outside dressing-rooms, but Rita eventually managed to get the baggy green signed by every member of the 2006-2007 Ashes-winning Australian cricket team.
Alex's first-person account of his 24 hours with Oliver Barry helped the 'Sunday Sun' survive another week and pushed Rita's exhibition into the mainstream.
But all this was insignificant compared with the tiny bottle of life Bob held in his right hand.
Ahh! Here you go.
Great.
Excellent.
(SIGHS) Alex.
Hope.
So, do you like my present? I just wanna say it's the nicest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever bought me.
Thank you! No worries! So, do you wanna catch up, see how things go? No! Oh, OK.
Do you wanna buy one of my works? I'll think about it.
Later, the artificial insemination clinic would reject Bob's sperm on the grounds that it contained dangerous concentrations of yeast.