Mad About You s01e02 Episode Script

That's hysterical! Really? She told you that? Donald Trump bounced an $82 check at The Gap.
- He did not.
Honey, please.
- That's hysterical.
What you have is a sickness-- people who need to be late.
- I gotta go.
Paul's getting mad.
- Nice.
Blame me.
Okay, call me later, all right? That's perfect.
- Say hi to Henry.
Bye.
- I don't understand.
Why can't you just call a person back? It's not that hard.
You say, "I'm walking out the door.
Call you later.
" - How you doing? It'sJoel.
- It's a quarter to 9:00.
How was Bermuda? He ate conch.
I'm walking out the door.
I'll call you later.
How do you like being married? Isn't it great? Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time I don't have the answers I don't have aplan But I'm mad about you, baby So help me understand What we do You can whisper in myear Where we go Who knows what happens after here Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you Nice.
Very, very nice.
A lot of movies are saved in the editing room.
Be specific.
A lot of your movies are saved in the editing room.
You're saying it's your editing and not my direction that makes this film work? - I did not say that.
- Then what are you saying? What I'm saying is, we're a snip or two shy ofgreatness.
- Know who used to say that? - Would it be Alfred Hitchcock? That's right.
You know what else Alfred Hitchcock used to say? I think he said, "My goodness.
I'm a fat, fat man.
" - You know, he used to be thin.
- Oh, Hitchcock was thin, now? That's right.
When I first worked with him, he was wiry.
We used to kid him.
We used to say, "Hitch, baby--" - Stop it right there.
- What? First of all, you did not call him "Hitch.
" I most certainly did.
That was his nickname.
- When did you work with him? - Afternoon.
Always in the afternoon.
Hitch was not a morning person.
Slumlord, reels three and four.
And what did you think? Well, the rats were underlit.
They looked like squirrels.
Excuse me.
I can't agree with you at all.
Squirrels don't walk like that.
Squirrels scurry.
Rats stalk.
Yeah, but when they're underlit, they look like they're scurrying.
You know, it would really tickle the hell out of me one time you came in here and said something nice.
Look, I became your assistant because I know you're very talented.
I could have taken thejob with Scorsese.
- You know Martin Scorsese? - Yeah.
I ke introduced me.
Stop it.
- Stace.
- Selb.
Selby.
Gee, it's almost noon.
Your old man's working you pretty late? Yeah, he slipped a disk, so I figured I'd give myselfthe afternoon off.
You'll never guess who I ran into this morning.
-Who? -I n a million years, you'll never guess.
Then why go through this? J ust tell me.
I'm at Papaya King on 72nd.
I turn around.
Who do I run into? - Don Ho.
- That's your guess? You asked me to guess, I went with Hawaiian balladeer Don Ho.
You wanna tell me, or are we gonna do this all day? Who did you see? Lynne Stoddard.
Get out of here! How do you know? Like 1 2 million people-- from a distance-- - Are you sure it was her? - This is what I'm trying to askyou.
It was her, and she looks exactly the same.
Really? You talked to her? Did she mention-- You must have talked about college.
At any point did she say anything at all-- Did she say anything about him? Yeah, I talked to her.
I told her you're doing the documentaries.
- I told heryou got married.
- Why would you tell her that? - Why wouldn't I tell her that? - Because that makes me less eligible.
You are less eligible.
Yeah, but as far as she's-- Look, if I'm-- You see, a married person likes to feel that there's always a chance ofthem getting back together with any ofthe people they've ever been with.
This is what I'm trying to say.
I know what you mean, Murray.
First time I saw her, I did the same thing.
Why do we live in this city? Because it's where our apartment is currently located.
I've been waiting for this moment all day.
Me too.
What's Murray watching? I don't know, but he's watching way too much TV these days.
- Is that you? - Huh? Oh, that-- Yeah, that's me like circa 1 975.
Are those sideburns or headphones? Honey, it was a very unattractive decade.
Who's the broad? You know, she's somebody I went to college with.
You're smelling her hair.
Well, it was the '70s.
I smelled a lot of hair.
Fine.
Why are you making a big deal out ofthis? - I'm hanging up my coat.
- You're being so silly about this.
You really are.
Where do you want me to put it, the floor? Lynne Stoddard, okay? That's her name.
Lynne Stoddard.
You satisfied? Selby ran into her at Papaya King.
That's the end ofthe story.
Geez! - What are you, jealous? - Why would I bejealous? Because Selby's a single guy, gets to have sex with different girls.
Why would you even say something like that? To hurt me? So who was she? You gotta know every little thing? Yeah.
If I tell you everything now then we're gonna have nothing left to talk about when we're old.
So let me do this-- just sprinkle my stories in slowly.
So then when you're 70, you will know everything.
I promise.
Deal? Deal.
Did you sleep with her? I can't believe your sister can't find one laundromat in her neighborhood.
- She likes doing her laundry here.
- No kidding.
- Be nice.
- I am nice.
I'm very nice.
- She won't bring any detergent.
- Here we go.
She won't.
She'll just use mine, like she does every time.
Never asks.
Never offers to buy more.
I mean, she has a job.
- She can afford to buy detergent.
- This goes back to when you were kids.
It's just like when we were kids.
She did this every time.
I can't listen to this anymore.
J ust say something to her.
- What am I gonna say? - "Lisa, stop using my detergent.
" She's too sensitive.
We say anything, she'll never do her laundry here again.
Hey, let's not risk that.
You know, your door man sneezed all over me.
I n his country, that is considered a sign ofaffection.
- Is he married? - You want us to introduce you? I don't know.
He's affectionate.
- I'd love to see him without the hat.
- Come on.
Let's go.
- Paul.
- Hey, Selby.
What's going on? Hey, I'm down here at Riff's with guess who.
Lynne! Lynne Stoddard? My Lynne Stoddard? Not anymore.
Listen, why don't you come down, you meet us for a drink you pick up the check and you get lost? Hold it.
Did she suggest this? I mean, tell me exactly.
How did my name come up? Well, she saw you after class crossing the quad.
She thought you were real cute.
When she said my name, was there like a certain inflection? No, there was no inflection.
Was there a certain tone? Yes, there was a tone.
There was a dial tone before I called you and there's gonna be another one when I hang up.
I don't know.
You know what? I think it would be a big mistake.
I'll be right there.
I can't believe this.
The guy dumps you, and you still do his laundry? Okay, this is it.
This is the last load.
I'm not even gonna fold it.
Great.
Nice to see you're setting limits.
You were right.
I'm gonna go call him.
Sweetie, Selby called.
I'm gonna go meet him for a beer.
- Why doesn't hejust come up here? - I think he's with somebody.
Lynne, okay? He's with Lynne Stoddard.
- I didn't say anything.
- But you were thinking.
- How do you know what I was thinking? - Did I just meet you? Go play with Selby, all right? You're bugging me.
- You won't be annoyed if I go? - No.
I just said go.
All right.
You want to come? No, I don't want to come.
Do you want me to come? No, I don't want you to come.
I thinkyou should, though.
You're unbelievable.
Ifyou come with me, we'll live a lot longer.
If I go without you, then I'm gonna have to come back and tell you everything that I said and everything she said.
You still won't think I'm telling you everything.
This wayyou'll be there and you'll know.
Know what? Whateveryou would have grilled me about when I come back.
Enough already.
I'm going.
Really? You're gonna go? I think I should go.
Don't you think? I thinkyou should.
But we really should go now.
- They're waiting.
- I gotta change.
No, you look great, really, just the wayyou are.
- What is that? - What? You never wear cologne.
Did you ever think, maybe I'm wearin' it foryou? You're so pathetic.
So when are you gonna get married, Selby? I'm tired of being single.
I'm ready to put myself on the line but it's just so hard to meet a woman that wants to make a commitment.
Selby? I would have introduced you, but I've forgotten her name.
There she is.
I mean "they.
" There they are.
I meant to say "there they.
" Look at you! Boy.
You look great! You lookjust the same.
Better.
You look even better.
Not that you didn't look great in college, but now you just-- - You lookjust wow.
You look great.
- Thanks.
Hi, I'm the house mother over at Paul's dorm.
- How are you? - Sorry.
This isJamie.
Lynney.
Sit down.
Everybody sit down.
So you still have that long, flowing-hair thing going, huh? She always had hair.
Her hair always flowed.
To where? You ever been here? It's a great place.
We come here all the time.
It's just great for whateveryou want.
For meeting people for eating food, whatever.
- They even serve breakfast here now.
- Can you get omelettes? - Pretty sure.
- Nobody cares.
Do you know that Lynne is a hotshot attorney? -Get out of here! -I'm a junior partner at Sweeney Fuller.
I rememberyou took the incomplete in Poli Sci.
Oh, God.
Now here you are, a lawyer in a big-time firm.
That is so funny.
Jamie's in PR.
Regional account manager, right? Shut up.
Who wants what? Mrs.
Buchman.
Martini.
- Since when? - Straight up.
- Paul? - A beer.
I'll come with you.
Ow! What is that for? Regional account manager? - I'm a regional vice-president.
- Really? - And you forgot to introduce me.
- I didn't forget to introduce you.
Ifyou just let me get my bearings.
Your bearings? Yes, my bearings.
I'm under a lot of pressure here.
I got Selby, I got her.
I'm talking to you about omelettes.
- There's a lot of pressure for me.
- You asked me to come.
Yeah, but what are the chances you were gonna sayyes? Right? Then it turns out he loses the mailbox key.
Oh, God.
Whatever happened to Terry Bees? - We saw him.
- On 34th Street.
You know what he does? He sells those big corks ofsouvlaki.
He sells those to all the 8th Avenuejoints.
- Is there any money in that? - He didn't do it for the money.
Oh, God.
Souvlaki is like lamb? Souvlaki is mostly lamb, isn't it? I think that's what it is.
It's lamb.
- I love lamb.
- Lamb is delicious.
We never have lamb.
What are you doing? You're eating the poor girl's French fires.
Have some ofyour own.
- The French fries here are very good.
- But they have no lamb.
Would you excuse me? You should really stay away from me right now.
You're mad because I sampled the fried potato ofanother woman? That's right, Paul.
I'm mad about the French fries.
- Is there a problem with the fries? - No! - I can't believe you! - That I'm talking to another woman? That you made me come down here and watch it.
- Watch what? - You drooling down memory lane.
I cannot win with you.
You always say we never go out during the week.
Oh, my God, I hate you! Kids, look, you're embarrassing me.
Let's go talk, you and I.
- Look, I'm really sorry.
- It's okay.
I'm surprised it tookyou so long.
You showed great restraint.
I'm not good at this.
I've never met one of Paul's old girlfriends before.
- What do you mean? - It's okay.
I saw him smell your hair.
What? I n the park by the car, in that movie.
Oh, God, I forgot about that.
But Paul and I were never boyfriend and girlfriend.
Does he know that? No, I mean, we may have pulled an all-nighter once or twice but we werejust friends.
I mean, that's what friends did in the '70s.
God, this is bringing me back.
So you don't think of Paul as the one that got away? Oh, hardly! No, I mean Paul's a sweetheart.
He is, but I was madly in love with this grad student-- Ken something.
Oh, God, I was so nuts about that guy.
I once felt like that about a guy.
You ever wonder where he is now? He's at the bar, probably talking about you.
I'm just remembering the way she used to say my name.
Paul.
She would go, "Paul.
" As opposed to "Paul.
" Can I askyou something? There's four million women in this city.
Why do you gotta go out with one ofthe few that I have seen naked? Excuse me, but isn't that your wife over there? - What does that mean? - Let it go.
You went out with her once in college.
Big deal.
So she's yours forever? I'm a bad friend because I wanna go out with her? All ofthose things.
Lynne was a very big thing in my life.
What isn't a big thing in your life? I wrote an entire book of poems to her.
Big deal! Everything rhymes with "Lynne.
" I don't know what it is.
It's painful.
I'm haunted by this relationship.
It's the ghost of Lynne.
With supple breasts that you can never touch again.
You know what? I can live with that as long as you don't touch 'em.
On a scale ofone to ten, how big an ass did I make of myselftonight? Seventy-three.
Okay, so I got a little obsessive.
I see that now.
I'm over it.
- You think Lynne was a little distant? - Oh, my God.
Seriously, it seemed like I was happier to see her than she was to see me.
So? So she meant something to me at one time and now I mean nothing to her? - You're so blind.
- Blind? She was threatened.
- She was? - Come on.
She has this thing with you in college.
She comes to meet you for a drink.
You bring along your beautiful wife.
What do you think? I like how you can soothe me and get in a little plug foryourself.
When you were talking to her, did she say anything? You know, I'm really getting tired ofdiscussing this.
I said I was obsessing.
You really want me to tell you everything she said verbatim? Yeah, I do.
Sort of like a transcript.
All right.
The truth is-- What? The truth is what? The truth is that she was madly in love with you.
And I'm not sure she's over it.
Really? Really.
You see, okay.
Okay, okay.
'Cause she was so standoffish.
She's wounded.
I think so.
- I'm like a source of pain for her.
- You can do that to people.
Boy, I'll tell ya, I'm glad I saw her, but believe me you have nothing to worry about.
I know.