Mad Men s01e02 Episode Script

Should get him to put another egg in it.
Roger.
Darling, one egg is good.
Two eggs are better.
Tell the, uh, lieutenant, please, that things are getting a little dry around Hill 29.
Am I wrong? All clear in No Man's Land.
Betty? Roger, you've expressed your desire for another drink.
No need to take the orders.
Right away, sir.
Wine list, and I'll have another one of these while I'm waiting for the list.
Another egg.
Well, I am having fried chicken.
As long as the egg comes first.
My nanny, Belva, made fried chicken.
I used to take it to school wrapped in wax paper.
His sweet Belvedere.
He really loved that woman.
Had another nanny originally.
German girl.
Round face, enormous bosom.
My parents got rid of her after the Lindbergh baby.
We thought about getting a nanny.
We have a girl that comes in who's sort of a housekeeper and sometimes babysitter.
I'd let her take the children to play group, sometimes the park.
Belva raised me.
I turned out just fine.
Didn't have to go to a psychiatrist like some people's kids.
Oh, what's the big deal? Margaret is practically the last girl in our building to go.
I tell you, I cannot wait until that girl is another man's problem.
What about you, Don? Did you have a nanny? I can't tell you about my childhood.
It would ruin the first half of my novel.
Don doesn't like to talk about himself.
I know better than to ask.
An ad man who doesn't like to talk about himself? I think I may cry.
It's not that interesting a story.
Just think of me as Moses.
I was a baby in a basket.
To Moses and Don Draper: A couple of princes.
If the gentlemen will be patient.
I'll join you.
I think I may know more about your wife than I do about my own.
Maybe your wife is just a better drinker.
Entirely possible.
Mona, could you help me here? I seem to have grown a set of thumbs.
Do you ever have that when your hands go numb? You want me to touch you up? Yeah, I think you'll have to.
Look at those lips.
I'll bet it's not hard for you to hold on to a man like that.
Don't smile.
It'll make it harder.
It's hard to hold on to anything right now with the children and running the house and I don't know if I told you, but my m-mother died two, three months ago.
I'm sorry.
There are other ladies waiting to use the mirror.
Those purses get any smaller, we're gonna starve.
I love seeing you like that.
Well, you were sitting on my good side.
No.
I mean, the way other people see you.
When you're with strangers, you know exactly what you want.
Well, I like to think I always know what I want.
Slow down.
I'll have to put that in my diary: Lobster Newburg and gimlets should get a divorce.
They're not getting along very well.
Once you rounded the corner on number two, I took it for a case of nerves.
He's your boss.
He likes you.
Toots Shor means he likes me.
When he gets us to the Four Seasons, then we'll know he trusts me.
Hmm.
He seemed very forthcoming.
Yeah.
When he's stoned on martinis.
I don't know.
It all seemed like an invitation to you to con confide.
Well, maybe it's just manners, but I was raised to see it as a sin of pride to go on like that about yourself.
You're so reverent.
Did you have a nanny? I've never asked you that.
Why? What difference does it make? I don't know.
We've never talked about it.
Did you? No, of course not.
So your mother and father are responsible for all this? I'll have to thank them someday.
Jesus, Bets.
It's like politics, religion, or sex.
Why talk about it? I see your point.
Who is in there? Peggy, next step is accessories.
$35 a week, minus 6.
75 for FICA.
Can you believe it? Maybe it's the fumes from the rubber cement on that envelope, but there's nothing to be happy about here, although you never forget your first.
For two weeks I've been telling people I have a job in Manhattan.
Look at you.
You're indomitable.
You'd never know you were the very bottom of the food chain.
Bridget? Are you okay? Thanks to the Precision Valve Corporation, for the next 18 months, Gillette is the only company on Earth that can spray deodorant out of a can.
Modern deodorant for a modern man.
He prefers jet travel to train travel, vodka to Scotch, and he likes to get his news from the radio, not the paper.
Harold Hill, give it a rest.
"Do not puncture or incinerate.
" Sounds dangerous.
Hey, I got a dud.
How is it a guy as big as you, Ken, has no basketball skills? I'm sure more research is needed.
We should try it out.
Who smells bad in here? Oh, no.
Come on.
- Come on, Kenny.
- Knock it off! Just pretend it's prom night.
You can be the girl.
Stop! Engage rockets.
All right, close your eyes.
Mr.
Draper, I was buzzing you.
Mr.
Cooper is waiting.
I always thought it was Sterling who was responsible for the Navy attitude around this place.
Brassiere account.
Just figured out we can't sell them to men.
So much yarn, so little time.
So Roger mentioned this Nixon thing.
Yeah, he mentioned it.
I just assumed it went away.
It didn't.
Last I read, Nixon was running without an agency.
Make no mistake, we know better what Dick Nixon needs better than Dick Nixon.
What does Dick Nixon think he needs? What he already has: Ted Rogers, the brains behind that Checkers broadcast.
See the problem? He dodged a financial scandal by standing with his wife and begging for his dog.
An admission wrapped in a distraction.
I'd say they know what they're doing.
Dogs are winners.
Well, they think they're set without us.
Why chase a girl who doesn't want to get caught? You have a problem with Nixon? I don't vote.
Hear, hear.
But politics aside, these last eight years have been good to us because they've been good to Proctor & Gamble and The United Fruit Company, et cetera.
So whether Dick Nixon likes it or not We will give our people what they want, agreed? I said cut it out! Be my pleasure.
Goodie.
Assemble a team.
Start files on contenders: Symington, Kennedy Who knows? Maybe Eleanor Roosevelt will throw her feedbag into the ring.
Don, you still on for lunch? No.
Don't tell me that's lunch.
I've got a lot of work to catch up on.
I do that sometimes.
Saunter over to the pie cart.
Egg salad and the worst cup of coffee in the world.
I've been meaning to try it.
It's okay if you like ptomaine poisoning.
Well, toodle-oo.
Secretary 1, copywriter 0.
It wasn't that.
I bring my lunch at least until after the first of the month.
Get your things.
That sandwich is making me sad.
It's a postcard from Campbell on his honeymoon.
Niagara Falls.
"Greetings from the wettest place on earth.
" I say we skip lunch altogether and try on those narrow sweater sets I saw at Lord and Taylor.
Do you want me to sit outside the dressing room and hold your purse? What he's trying to say is can we buy you lunch? Oh.
I don't know.
We hadn't planned on eating.
Come on, three on two.
I know you all like being outnumbered.
That's two on two.
I'm married.
You still have to eat lunch.
What do you say? Change of plans? They do smell nice.
What's that? Postcard from Pete Campbell.
He's on a honeymoon, right? Niagara Falls.
He hasn't, uh, left the room, apparently.
Shall we? So, Pegs, you part of our nation's military industrial boyfriend-girlfriend complex? Excuse me? He wants to know are you, uh, taken, are you kept, or merely browsing? She's browsing.
And like most of us, she's disappointed with the selection of merchandise.
Perhaps I can interest you in a 42 long? That's not his suit size.
She blushes.
No, I don't.
Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but, uh, you are the subject of much debate.
Money riding on the outcome.
Money for me? Now there's even a third possibility: Paying you.
We should be getting back.
I'll get the check.
My goodness.
Thank you for lunch, boys.
Yes.
Thank you.
Take the rest of the afternoon off.
We could go to the zoo, see what the animals are up to.
I should get back to work.
Or shopping.
Guess I don't see any money changing hands, Kenny.
You'll see.
My persistence is my charm.
That was delicious.
You enjoy yourself with the Hitler Youth? Oh.
Well, it was kind of last-minute.
Easy.
See that Draper takes a look at this.
Certainly.
You can look, too.
Three of the last PTA presidents are from the kindergarten class.
I say you go in there and lay some groundwork.
I will not have Marilyn Kechner dictate the agenda.
The woman is obsessed with nutrition, although you wouldn't know it to look at her.
Francine, you're terrible.
Ooh.
I ran into Juanita Cabot at square dancing, and I found out who's moving into that little Dutch Colonial down the street.
Who? Her name is Helen Bishop.
Is she an old lady? Divorced.
Really? That's awful.
I know.
All on her own? I know.
Can you imagine worrying about money at this point in our lives? Well, obviously, that's not the worst of it.
No.
No, it isn't.
It is too quiet in there.
Ernie? Sally? We're playing spaceman.
Sally Draper, come over here this minute.
If the clothes from that dry cleaning bag are on the floor of my closet, you're going to be a very sorry young lady.
Make sure your brother hasn't climbed out of the play yard.
Juanita thinks it might be bad for real estate values in Chilmark.
One divorcée? Oh, my God.
Are you okay? What's that? What? That.
That's a television.
Since when do you have a television? I don't know.
I think it's been about ten days.
It's been so amazing, I sort of lost track.
I seem to remember a woman wasting a good piece of a beautiful afternoon reciting this diatribe against television that should have ended with her banging her shoe on the table.
Don, darling, if you want to ask the question, just ask it.
Where'd you get the TV? I got it.
Same place you got that wig? Someone gave it to me.
And you took it? Have you seen this thing called People Are Funny? Jesus.
Oh, Jesus, Don.
Hey! All better? Yes.
How about a hot dog? Sit at your places.
Come on.
Daddy! We went to the hospital.
We got lollipops.
They're fine, Don.
What about you? A little sore.
A little embarrassed.
Sorry they couldn't get a hold of me.
We had to carry Freddie Rumson out of Ritazzi's.
There was nothing you could have done.
Daddy, use a fork.
How's the car? Not bad.
Uh, thank God I was only going 25 tops.
I hate the way you drive, you know.
I'm finished.
Can I go watch Shirley Temple's Storybook? Yes, both of you.
So what happened? I don't know, really.
It It all happened so fast.
What, 20 miles an hour? That's not that fast.
It's stupid.
Was it Sally playing with the radio again? - I've warned her.
- No, she was fine.
She was just sitting there.
No.
It was my hands.
It happened again.
Jesus.
Betty, you have to get this taken care of.
That Dr.
Patterson is not thorough.
I swear, when we walked down Park Avenue, I could hear the quacking.
I know.
You've said that.
This doctor was nice.
He was older, actually.
He's from Rochester.
He has two children.
They're 10 years apart.
Okay, you've given me his credentials.
What did he say? Well, he said I could go to New York and run the dye tests, and I said that I already had and that the results were negative, and he even called Dr.
Patterson.
So? They said there was nothing physically wrong with me.
Then I t-told him what happened, and he said that I should see a psychiatrist.
Doctors must love that they now have an answer for "I don't know what's wrong.
" He said it could be a nervous condition.
Nervous about what, driving? So we'll go down to the Grand Union parking lot.
We'll practice your 10 and 2.
He seemed very concerned, if you want to know.
But that's their solution.
Why not open the hood and poke around? So? So I left.
What else am I supposed to do? Well, go to a doctor another doctor, a good one.
I'll get a specialist from Bert Cooper.
His name's on a wall over at St.
Vincent's.
Okay.
Leave the dishes for the girl.
You know, I do worry about you, birdie.
I know.
When he brought it up, I was shocked.
Although, I realize that that's what Dr.
Patterson was trying to say in his own way, and it doesn't have as much of a stigma today.
I just don't know what they can possibly tell you.
Do you think I need a psychiatrist? I always thought people saw a psychiatrist when they were unhappy.
But I look at you and this and them and that and I think, "Are you unhappy?" Of course I'm happy.
Well, that'll be $35.
You're welcome.
Whatever you think is best.
Good.
Act of God.
Sorry.
Someone threw themselves in front of the train.
Ah, suicide.
Okay, boys, what do we have? Gentlemen, the aerosol can is nothing less than space-age.
It's steel.
It has exhaust.
It's even shaped like a rocket.
Certainly an engineering marvel.
"Right Guard: It works in my suit or yours.
" We'll punch the yellow of the moon so it pops behind him.
We're looking for new worlds, and with that search comes any number of gadgets.
It's not just some random association.
This thing is shiny.
It's explosive.
It's from the future, a place so close to us now, filled with wonder and ease.
Except some people think of the future and it upsets them.
They see a rocket, they start building a bomb shelter.
What? How do you get there? I don't think it's ridiculous to assume we're looking for other planets because this one will end.
I thought we had something here.
Who is this moron flying around space? I mean, he pees in his pants.
Brass tacks, who buys this? Some woman.
Your girl or your mother will pick this up walking through the grocery store or the druggist's.
We should be asking ourselves, "What do women want?" I don't know, but I wish I had it.
Maybe a chesty alien girl also wants to get into his suit.
I'm not asking "what do women want" in some bullshit research psychology way.
I'm asking, what would make a woman look at this man's deodorant and say "I want that"? Well, I've stopped trying to figure out what they think.
Maybe I should stop paying you.
Well, I always thought women like the way we smell.
That explains a lot.
I feel like we're close here.
I mean, this one the can's right side up, but the guy's upside-down.
No.
Let's bring it down to Earth.
You think they want a cowboy? He's quiet and strong.
He always brings the cattle home safe.
You watch TV.
What if they want something else? Inside, some mysterious wish that we're ignoring.
How'd it go? I've still got my novel.
I'm sorry.
Buy me lunch? Samuel, that drape, man? It's sadder than a map.
Well, it's lightweight, and it tells me I'm at work.
But you sure can talk, Mr.
Kinsey.
What are you doing? Keep the change.
You figured the place out yet? What do you mean? How it runs.
I know the copywriters tell the Art Department what to do, and I know the account executives tell the copywriters what to do.
What? No one tells the writers what to do except for the head of Creative, your boss, Donald Draper.
Don't think that just because he's good-looking, he's not a writer.
Dig.
This is the Media Department.
They're where 90% of where the client's check goes.
They buy space newspapers, billboards, television, and my favorite aging whore, radio.
That's the whole shakedown, actually.
All you really need to know.
They don't sell ideas or campaigns or jingles.
They sell media at a 15% markup.
Creative is just window dressing that's thrown in for free.
Really? Accounting, they keep track of how much we're spending versus how much we're taking in, and since we're buying futures, if you ever, ever see, um, the man upstairs go in there, grab the lifeboats, baby.
We're going down.
Account Management, where prep schoolers skip arm-in-arm, Wizard of Oz style, joined together by their lack of skill and their love of mirrors.
Account executives are all good at something, although it's never advertising.
Submitted for your approval: One Peter Campbell, a man who recently discovered that the only place for his hand is in your pocket.
You watch it? Have you seen it? The Twilight Zone? I don't think so.
I don't like science fiction.
I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.
Mitch in Media says CBS might pull the plug.
I'll kill myself.
And here we have the Creative Department, the talent, home sweet home.
Like the Art Department downstairs, they put us far enough away from the elevators so we can't sneak out.
You know, there are women copywriters.
- Good ones? - Sure.
I mean, y-you can always tell when a woman's writing copy, but sometimes she just might be the right man for the job, you know? You must be very creatively satisfied.
Let's not lose our heads.
Sterling-Coop is positively Cro-Magnon.
I have a friend I'm not even going to say what agency but all they do is smoke Mary Jane and play darts, and honestly, I think they're the best store on the street.
You like Ukrainian food? Oxtail dumplings? I still have a lot of work to do.
I think he's still in there.
Huh.
Got it.
Thanks for lunch.
Sorry about your copy.
Thanks for reminding me.
Can never get used to the fact that most of the time it looks like you're doing nothing.
Fix you something? Coop is gonna want a carve-in with your handpicked team for Nixon on it, and I warn you right now, it includes Pete Campbell.
I should go to Niagara Falls for two weeks.
Does wonders for your career.
Niagara Falls.
Boy redefines lack of imagination.
Ah.
That's where you've been.
Let me ask you something.
What do women want? Who cares? You mentioned the other night that your daughter had been to a psychiatrist.
I'm sure you must be mistaken about that.
You know what? I am very comfortable with my mind: Thoughts clean and unclean, loving and the opposite of that.
But I'm not a woman.
And I think it behooves any man to toss all female troubles into the hands of a stranger.
We had one headshrinker in the army.
A gossip, busting with other people's thoughts.
Hasn't changed much, just costs more.
And you can't shoot at them.
We live in troubling times.
We do? Who could not be happy with all this? Jesus, you know what they want? Everything.
Especially if the other girls have it.
Trust me, psychiatry is just this year's candy-pink stove.
It's just more happiness.
People Are Funnyl Beauty and the beast.
Hey, Daddy.
Hey, there.
Cold lamb sound good? Yeah.
Someone started on the train.
In the office.
Because of a good day or a bad day? You know, when I told you you had everything I was wrong.
Oh, my God.
White gold.
It's got one of those tiny little faces that you have to be young to see.
Don, it's beautiful.
The guy at the store set the time, but he was English, so it might be six hours off.
Did you look at Sally's face? I think she has a bruise.
I didn't see it.
On her cheekbone under her eye.
I thought that was ketchup.
What if she had gotten a scar, something permanent? I don't want to play what-if.
I'm just saying if it happened to Bobby it would have been okay because a boy with a scar is nothing, but a girl, it's so much worse.
Nothing happened.
I keep thinking Not that I c-could have killed the kids, but worse.
Sally could have survived and gone on living with this horrible scar on her face, and some long, lonely miserable life as Don.
What's happening to me? Do I need to see someone? I don't know.
I guess so.
Whatever you want.
Brought Betty into the city to see the doctor, but, uh, honestly I think I'm the one that's not feeling so great.
I called in sick.
Don't bring that here.
I'm serious, Don.
Don't talk to me about her.
It makes me feel cruel.
You're right.
Sometimes.
I can't decide if you have everything or nothing.
I live in the moment.
Nothing is everything.
Sounds more like you live in the Village.
Actually, I live in the hall.
I lost my key.
I had to, um spend the night abroad.
Could you be a gentleman and break in to the fire escape so I don't have to? Draper in yet? He's not coming in today.
He's not feeling well.
I'm leaving.
Don't tell anyone I was here.
Bienvenue.
No, it's Peggy.
Hello.
I don't think I can go out to lunch today.
Mr.
Draper's not coming in.
That means you can go out to lunch.
Have you never worked in an office before? Well, he could call.
It's my second week.
Another time? I did enjoy the tour the other day.
It was eye-opening.
I didn't think your eyes could be any wider.
That's clever.
I guess I'll go to the cart.
You want something? What? The office is gonna empty out any second.
We can push the couch in front of the door.
Paul.
Do you belong to someone else? Shit.
I don't even like to sit in Don's chair.
I think we've misunderstood each other.
But there is someone else, right? Yes.
I hope you know that covering your typewriter is office code for "I'm done for the day.
" I'm not feeling so swell.
Neither am I.
Look at these letters you typed after lunch.
Terre Haute, Indiana, has two Rs and an A and an E at the end.
I think either you missed home row by a hand, or you were out drinking with the junior account boys again.
I wasn't drinking.
I don't like your tone.
I'll redo these right away.
Look at you, all in a snit.
Are you gonna watch me? What is wrong with you? Honestly, why is it that every time a man takes you out to lunch around here, you're you're the dessert? That's terrible.
It's constant from every corner.
I'm from Bay Ridge.
We have manners.
Why can't they just leave it alone? Because men always bother you all the time.
They follow you down the street.
Well, not exactly.
Look, dear, I don't know you that well, but you're the new girl, and you're not much, so you might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
Of course.
Don't be that way.
I'm just offering some perspective, that's all.
Thank you, Joan.
I'll save my thank-yous till you correct that correspondence.
I don't know why I'm here.
I'm I mean, I do.
I'm nervous, I guess.
Anxious.
I don't sleep that well.
And my hands Well, they're fine now.
It's like when you have a problem with your car and you go to the mechanic and it's not doing it anymore.
Not that you are a mechanic.
I guess a lot of people must come here worried about the bomb.
Is that true? It's a common nightmare, people say.
I read it in a magazine.
My mother always told me that it wasn't polite to talk about yourself.
She passed away recently.
I guess I already said that.
Can I smoke in here? We're all so lucky to be here.
It's 7:30.
I have to go to Roy's reading.
I have to be there to act surprised when Jack Kerouac doesn't show.
Lock the door when you leave.
If you're gonna go home, take a shower.
You stink.
It's because I'm a man.
You seem to forget that sometimes.
I'm lucky they aren't all like you.
I'll take that as a compliment.
What do women want? Well, one of the things has to be not being asked something like that.
"What do women want? You know better than to ask.
" Give me a pen.
Jesus.
"What do women want?" "Any excuse to get closer.
" Thank God.
There's that ego people pay to see.
I'll have the filet of sole.
Excellent.
Creamed spinach or creamed corn? Spinach.
Fried potatoes or au gratin? Au gratin.
With tomato juice to start.
I'll have a goulash.
Very good, sir.
Vodka gimlet.
Old-fashioned.
How was your day? Fine.
You know, I work with doctors.
They'll say anything you pay them to.
Of course, dear.
Dinner in the city.
I'm glad I'm hungry.
I saw an interesting thing in the Journal American.
Apparently, the phone company wants to start charging people for unlisted numbers.
That doesn't seem fair.
Some people agree with you, and they're giving aliases to Ma Bell.
They call it the nom-de-phone.
Isn't that smart? Of course, most of them are pornographic.
The best one? Pat McGroin.
Oh, my God.
Hard to believe they could print that in the Journal American, let alone a phone book.
This is nice.
I'll be right up.
Hello.
Sorry to bother you so late.
It's Don Draper.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Draper.
No, no.
It's not too late at all.
Glad to hear that.
Well? Well, I had a very interesting hour with your wife this afternoon.
She's a very anxious young woman.
I think you're doing the right thing.
Subtitled By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA