Making History (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Previously on Making History I have questions about colonial Massachusetts.
It's urgent.
You have urgent questions about colonial Massachusetts? It's a time machine.
I go to the past every weekend, sometimes on Tuesdays.
- CHRIS: It's real? - Yup.
Something screwed up the American Revolution.
- (Chris screams) - CHRIS: I'm gonna give a speech that will rally a revolt.
- Show me the money! - (all laughing) Your girlfriend is Paul Revere's daughter? And your friends with John Hancock and Sam Adams? - The founding fathers? - Oh, yeah.
You guys go back to 2016.
Leave me behind.
DEBORAH: "Chris Parish, killed at the Battle of Lexington, April 24, 1775.
" That's tomorrow.
(sheep bleats, man gags) - I love Philadelphia.
- Oh, yes, they have that Philadelphia cheesed beef.
Ooh, on a hard roll? John Hancock, Sam Adams.
Chris.
Show me the money.
(Hancock chuckles) You said it, so now I'm saying it.
I have news about the British - that is gonna - Oh, God, you're obsessed.
You're certain you want to do this again? Last time all your British stuff completely sucked the life out of the room.
- You bombed up there, brother.
- CHRIS: Listen, you must gather everyone.
Ha-hang on, Chris.
It sounds like you're trying to say something important.
It's very important.
But you're not wearing a wig, so.
So it doesn't feel important.
Do you see our problem here, Chris? - You got no hair, man.
- You look like a baby mouse.
ADAMS: Imagine, a baby mouse, naked, blind, pops out of his little nest made of hair and sticks and starts talking to men in a bar.
- You're right.
- And yet, transpose that against a fully furred adult mouse rising up on its hind legs, waist-coated and stocking-ed, addressing you in a mature manner.
ADAMS: Well, you damn well sit up and listen.
CHRIS: All right, everybody.
Settle down.
Hey! Settle down please.
Decent wig.
I'll hear him out.
(chickens clucking) (electrical whining) Sorry we could only stay in the future for those few seconds.
I understand.
Your honor wouldn't permit you to leave Chris behind.
Yeah, "honor.
" Totally.
Plus, I wouldn't want to have to walk by that statue every day.
Did you see the eyes on that thing? Pure nightmare fuel.
That glimpse of the future was so overwhelming.
There was Chris's statue, a building, and that miraculous, shiny paper.
That was a York Peppermint Patty wrapper.
It was the most splendid thing I've ever seen.
Well, if you like that, wait till you see our other trash.
Now let's go get Chris before he gets himself killed.
Now, revolution, we've all heard that word, but what are some reasons someone might have one? Anybody? Paul Revere? Uh, when somebody's mean, like, when somebody hurts somebody? Good, yes, did everybody hear Paul's answer? Like if somebody hurts somebody.
For instance, the British killed your daughter.
What? - They killed your daughter.
- (all gasping) Just terrible way to deliver that news.
I liked it.
Get to the point, get on with your day.
Elizabeth's dead? Not Elizabeth.
Deborah.
Oh.
Oh, drat.
(man coughs, Hancock clears his throat) Where's your sense of pride, huh? W-Where's your sense of freedom? All right, fine, how about this? We shall form a committee to consider a revolution.
That committee shall meet in a fortnight.
Ooh, fortnight's no good for me.
And I have a thing two fortnights from now.
I told you all about it last fortnight, so don't get mad at me.
Well, then it's settled.
We shall reconvene in a year.
Guys, listen! Okay, we have to do this now, all right? We're all here and nobody looks busy.
Don't be nasty, Chris.
I'm trying to help.
The British are gonna find your hidden cannons.
They know about our cannons? Yes! They're gonna take all of your weapons.
They're coming for our guns? MAN: What? Oh, my God, this is America.
Yes.
Yes! The British are coming to take your guns.
I will die for my right to kill others while defending myself.
If they take our guns, then how are we supposed to fight the people who would take our guns?! - (window shatters) - My gun! Mine! My gun! Oh, gunny, gunny, gunny.
They'll never get you.
Mwah.
The committee be damned.
We shall revolt.
- (all cheer) - Finally, these American colonies will truly - be free! - (cheering) Yes.
DAN: Chris! Chris! Chris! - (door closes) - Chris, what's up, man? HANCOCK: Paul, it's your daughter, Deborah.
She's alive and right there.
- (man coughs) - So she is.
You're a liar.
(booing loudly) After I loaned you my favorite wig.
I have to stop trusting wigs.
I thought you were dead.
I'm happy to see you too, father.
Now, you can do my laundry.
(sighs) And the chapeau.
Wow.
My dad was kind of a jerk, but that was the meanest thing I've ever seen.
Forget him.
Soon we'll be in the future starting our lives together, and nothing that he can say will ever change that.
What are you doing? I'm supposed to be fixing the American Revolution and you are supposed to be - in the future.
- You want to know what we're doing, pal? - We're saving your life.
- That's me? Wait how do I die? DEBORAH: There's a plaque on the back that says that you were hit by two cannonballs at the same time.
CHRIS: Wow, so I died at the Battle of Lexington.
Actually, you died the day after the Battle of Lexington.
You choke on a walnut.
British are here and the Colonists are here.
- And we need to draw them into battle.
- Easy.
We tell George Washington to write a letter to the troops instructing them to Why are you pointing at me? I'm brainstorming.
Haven't you ever brainstormed before? One guy starts the idea.
The other guy Finishes the idea? Okay, yeah, so you've brainstormed before.
Dan, the most helpful thing you can do right now, stop helping.
What? Well, where do I fit? I have so much to offer this team! I got a ton of heart, an abundance of skill, and when the battle is going, I'm a full-blown berserker.
I've made a decision.
I'm not going to wash my father's clothes.
Get it, girl.
After seeing the future, the bigotry of this time is too hard to ignore.
- You were there, like, three seconds.
- You're being very judgey.
After seeing that Peppermint Patricia wrapper, I knew that any society that could mix two separate flavors, like mint and chocolate, is more open-minded than I could ever fathom.
We must start this revolution so that the women of the future can feel the freedom that I felt in those brief moments.
You'll feel that feeling again, my love.
I promise.
Oh, Daniel.
- (Deborah and Dan moaning) - Guys.
Guys.
Guys, hey! One thing has always been true about Americans, huh? They freak out if you try and take their guns.
So let's try and make the British take the Colonists' guns.
Right.
I you just lost me.
So the Colonists will freak out and start the Revolution.
Okay, yes.
I'm back on board.
Oh, I'll ride from Boston to the outer boroughs to warn my fellow Colonists.
I'll wear my father's clothes, so they think I'm a man and believe me.
- I've fallen for stuff like that.
- Perfect.
So, you tell the Colonists to defend their guns, and we'll make sure that the British - are coming for them.
- DAN: All right.
See, I don't always have the idea, but a lot of times I have the idea that gets us to the idea.
Great brainstorming, everyone.
- You're just so wonderful.
- Oh, you have no idea.
Hey, pretty cool how I saved your life, huh? Yeah, and I already thanked you for it like nine times.
Yeah, but I mean, I saved your life.
Oh, my God, that is so great, but maybe right now we just focus on the Revolution.
Very cool.
Very cool.
Still not clear on how we're gonna use the berserker in all this.
When you were a kid did, your parents ever play the quiet game with you? - Yeah, I sucked at it.
- Okay, well, here's your chance to redeem yourself, buddy.
When we get captured, you? - Just shut up.
- (soft chuckle) Shut up.
(British accent): Oh, Chris, don't be nasty.
Hello.
Will you come with us, please? Davey, who are these men? DAVEY: We found them outside the camp, sir.
They say they're spies for the crown.
Hmm.
Is that so? Lieutenant Colonel Francis Smith, it is an honor to meet you.
And who, exactly, are you? My name's Jason Bourne.
The government made me the perfect killing machine, till I became the target.
(quietly): Stop it.
How did you know where to find our camp? General Gage had us undercover with the Colonists, and now we're reporting to you.
General Gage? Well, nobody told me.
Well, that's classic Gage, isn't it? He's out of control lately.
- And you have something to report? - CHRIS: We do.
The Colonists are stockpiling guns in a barn outside of Lexington.
Guns.
How many guns? - Like a thousand.
- Like a million.
Oh, my God.
What is their obsession with guns? They say they're for self-defense.
All right, but if that's true, then why have so many? It makes me think they intend to use them against us.
I've heard claims they're for hunting.
Bows and arrows are for hunting.
A musket fires a bullet a minute.
It's a mass-killing machine! DAVEY: Well, perhaps between wanting a gun and purchasing a gun there could be some period of waiting.
I don't want to take their guns! But having so many makes me feel like I need to take them away! But how can I be certain you are not colonial rabble-rousers? You don't speak the King's English.
That's because we're so deep undercover, we've forgotten our accents.
The only thing I do know, - (bone cracks) - I'm a human weapon.
DAVEY: Sir, I know I'm speaking out of turn, but my gut tells me this Chris chap is on the level.
But, Davey, you're a natural skeptic.
I know, sir.
but I've got a good feeling about him.
I'd wager my entire reputation on Chris' good word.
I've never heard Davey say that about anyone before.
(mumbling): Just They've made quite a connection.
Very well.
Tomorrow morning, we will march on Lexington, and we shall secure their guns! My liege, is there any way we could march around noon, so it's not super early? It's going to be early.
Super early.
The British are coming! The British are coming! And they want to take your guns! (indistinct shouting) The British are coming! - The British are coming! - (woman gasps) And they want to take your guns! If Paul says it, then it must be true.
We will defend our guns! The British are coming! Wow, Paul lost a lot of weight.
Now, I feel fat.
(flies buzzing) I'll be in the larder.
(colonial music playing) All right, Chris, what's your favorite bit of Chaucer? Uh, The Miller's Tale.
(laughing): Oh, my God, mine too! (Dan laughing awkwardly) Oh, you've read it as well? I have not.
All right.
Hey, Davey, uh, thank you for backing us up in there.
Oh, no problem.
I could tell you were a good bloke.
(chuckles) That's why I didn't knock you out.
(laughing) But this one.
Try it again.
Seriously, try it again while I'm looking.
(clanging) Oh! Huh.
Thanks, uh I've been looking for a way to quiet him down.
(chuckles) (groaning): Nice try.
But my doctor told me I actually can't get any more concussions.
Yeah, he probably meant that you shouldn't, not that it's impossible.
Tea? For my favorite spy.
(in British accent): Oh, but of course.
(both laughing) Wait, do you take your tea milk first, as well? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
It helps get the BOTH: Temperature right.
(both laughing) What the hell is happening? (laughing): What? What did we just do? It's called a high-five.
(both laughing) I love it! CHRIS: Here's to the milk first boys.
Now and forever.
(both laughing) Oh, my God, a couple of dorks.
DEBORAH: My love, you look ill.
Were you tortured? Yes.
They made us wake up super early.
You guys, this is incredible.
The Battle of Lexington, the moment America was born.
Hmm.
DAN: If this is a battle, why is no one shooting? You'll never take our guns! Why do you need so many guns? Because we need to stop you from taking them! We weren't planning on taking them until you had too many! Then we were correct to have them! Gentlemen, stop.
There's got to be a reasonable solution to this.
Perhaps gun regulation could be some sort of compromise.
I He is wearing an excellent wig.
Come on, Davey.
Let history happen.
Who is Davey? The guy that's tearing Chris and I apart.
For instance, if a person is daffy in the head, maybe they shouldn't be allowed to procure a gun.
I don't want to have this conversation - in front of the guns! - Yes, let's adjourn somewhere away from the guns.
(sighs) I know what I have to do.
I have to fire the shot heard round the world.
- Oh, let me do it.
- What? - I want to do it.
- Stop, you don't deserve this.
I haven't done anything yet.
- I'm kind of bored.
- You're being an infant, man.
I'm not.
- I haven't gotten to do anything! - Stop! (gasping) They're firing their guns! They're trying to take our guns with their guns! Three, two, one, fire! - I did it.
- I did it.
No, I did it.
No, I did it.
No, are you kidding me? I did it.
Clearly, I did it.
I fired a musket.
I just changed history by Deborah, you were here.
Who shot it? (gunshots, men shouting) Chris.
Present! Fire! (horse neighs) Fire! Fire! (grunts) Fire! Okay, the Revolution's started.
America's been born.
Now feels like as good a time as any to bail.
Hold on, this isn't right.
The British are winning.
Fire! (grunts) So I led my people here to die.
No, absolutely not.
- This is Chris's fault, 100%.
- No.
Their lives are on his head.
Well, I have to help them - or die trying! - Wait, wait, Deb.
I have an idea.
You do? Yeah.
So, in that barn are the weapons, right? - Explosives and guns? - CHRIS: Yeah.
Okay, so it's like a video game.
We just have to lure the British into that barn - And then blow them up! - Yes, that's brainstorming! - We're brainstorming! - Wait, wait.
There's a cannon buried nearby.
This could work.
But we have to get the Colonists to retreat from the barn.
Retreat? They'll never do it, these are Bostonians.
They're loud, pigheaded, sunburned buffoons who would rather die than lose.
Well, I'm a Bostonian, too, and the only thing worse than dying and losing would be not dying and then winning.
And that's what I intend to never have happen to me.
He has a concussion, and I have a feeling he's had a lot of 'em.
DAN: Berserker! It hasn't hindered his brilliance one bit.
Fire! Time-out! Time-out! Look, it's Daniel! Time-out! And he's running like a coward.
Time-out! - Retreat! - What? Retreat! - They're gonna murder you! - Retreat! SMITH: What on earth are they doing? Are they retreating? It appears so, sir.
This is a slaughter! They're gonna kill you! (screaming) Is that Jason Bourne? I believe so, sir.
Hmm.
(both screaming) Retreat! Run! (gasps) Run! For a grown man to lose all his dignity and composure, screaming and begging like a child The enemy must be too terrifying to contemplate! Retreat! Retreat! Retreat! Lest we all debase ourselves like Dan! Run away! Hold your fire! Davey.
Chris, the enemy are retreating.
The day is ours! (laughing): I knew I was right about you.
Look, I need you to cram as many soldiers in there as possible and secure those guns.
You got it.
All right, boys, in we go! And forward! You heard Chris.
All the way to the back.
And no matter what happens, Davey, you, you stay outside, okay? All right, but when we're done, we're gonna have one of our teas, milk first, buddy.
(laughing): Milk first forever! (wheel creaking) (fuse sizzling) Davey? Chris? Davey, no! - (ball whistling) - (explosion, men grunting) No! (Chris crying) (wailing): Davey! There's a chance he lived.
(men cheering) (colonial music playing) ADAMS: A tremendous victory! Surely, this battle shall spark a great revolution.
And if we are to form a new nation, we must guarantee unrestricted gun access for all! (men cheering) (laughter) Paul, - thank you.
- I'm not Paul.
It's time you all knew that you were led into battle by a woman! (men gasping) (stammering) Fie! Well, obviously, that won't do.
Everyone say I did it! COLONIST: Three cheers for Paul Revere, the hero of the Revolution! (cheering) That's not fair at all.
Who cares what these tools think? - We know what you did.
- No! I need to stand up to him.
Father, you are a liar and a tool! (men gasping) (gasping) Young lady, you are embarrassing this family with your outbursts.
Now get back to the house at once for stockade time.
- No! Never! - (men gasping) I am going to find my freedom as an independent woman.
So, wash your own damn clothes! (men gasping) HANCOCK: It's okay, Paul.
It's this generation.
They're just so selfish! Young people these days have completely lost it.
REVERE: She said that, right? I wasn't the only one who heard? That was amazing.
I could never stand up to my dad like that.
I'm really proud of you.
I'm so proud of you for putting your cowardice on such public display.
It's so brave.
That's why I love you.
You aren't afraid to show your feelings, even the ones you should be ashamed of.
How'd you like to be ashamed of me in the future? I'd love that.
(giggles) Ah, man, Davey.
I didn't know our milk first was gonna be our milk last, you know.
You faker.
You knew him, like, a day.
(distant siren wailing) (breathing heavily) DAN: Well, let's see if we saved America.
(distant siren continues wailing) Excuse me, excuse me.
What do you think of the British and their culture? Who cares? This is America, you bitch.
Yes! We did it! - We're back.
- Chris I'm sorry you lost your friend.
Yeah, it got, uh it got pretty dark.
But it was an experience I'll never forget, so, um, thank you guys for bringing me along.
Until next time, friend.
Right.
Hey, Chris.
Yeah? I love you.
Well, we're in the future.
What do you want to do? Cloud walking.
Uh, talk to a ghost and ride a tunnel to the center of the Earth.
I'll do you one better.
Do you know what pizza is? What about the time machine? Just kick some leaves over it.
The cool thing about it being a bag, is you can be careless with it.