Marley's Ghosts (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 Argh! You OK, darling? Oh, Michael, I just had the most awful dream.
You were involved in a Oh, God, it was terrible! Don't worry, Marley, I'm here.
But Adam? It's fine, it's fine.
Remember, Adam's away all weekend.
It's just you and me.
That's right, Marley.
I'm away all weekend.
AAARRRRGHHH! It's official! I'm losing my mind.
And the bickering! You're always bickering.
I can't stand the bickering.
Dead people don't bicker.
They lie, silent, never to annoy again.
We weren't bickering.
We were just calmly discussing who loves you more.
- Which is obviously me.
- I'm the husband! - I'm the lover.
- We were married for 17 years.
- 19.
Whereas you were only a warm body on a cold night.
I belong here.
I belong with Marley.
You don't belong anywhere -- you're dead.
- I belong here.
I love her.
- Because you love her? - Because I desperately love Marley.
- "Desperately"! I desperately, completely and utterly love Marley.
- When's her birthday? - What? Marley's birthday.
The birthday of the woman you desperately, completely and utterly love.
When is it? - I don't have to answer that.
- You bloody do! When's my birthday? - Your what? - Her birthday.
- You're not helping.
- I know! Come on -- when is it? It's always a time of great celebration.
- When's my bloody birthday? - I don't bloody know! You don't know when my birthday is, you don't know how long we were married.
For God's sake! Morning, Tina.
You were born April the 7th at 3:34 in the morning.
I know Marley's birthday, her parents' birthdays, her primary school, secondary school, sixth form college.
The name of her university -- Manchester.
The name of her English professor -- Professor Dawkins.
The name of her first lover -- Andrew Gibson.
Where she lost her virginity -- 42 Melville Road.
When she lost her virginity -- the 17th of May.
Shoe size, dress size, bra size.
Stop following me! Technically, we're not following you, you're following us.
- Shut up, Adam! - I know each and every detail of her life from her favourite pair of shoes to her favourite pair of knickers.
I made it my business to check her mail, her diaries.
- If that's not love - Mercury.
- Oh, they can't hear you, Adam.
Nobody can hear him except me, but I don't want to hear him.
I don't want to hear any of you.
I don't want to see any of you.
Oh, guys! Marley is obviously distraught.
We need to listen to her, understand her.
Please, I just need Adam! - What? - You're still watching the - It's quick-fire.
I'm having a breakdown and you're still Adam! - What? - Oh! I can't live like this.
All right, everybody needs to calm down.
Take a breath.
Everybody who's not yet dead, take a breath.
- Now, this situation is obviously - Crap.
I was going to say awkward, but OK.
Look, there's a story from the Book of Luke and it might help.
It's the fable of the wise woman and the well.
Does anybody know that one? No.
Oh, that's a shame.
Nor do I.
Oh! The four beggars.
It's about the four beggars.
This is a good one.
And it will offer comfort.
So, there's four beggars and they get invited into a house.
- Adam? - What? - Are you listening? - Yeah.
- To the telly! No, no, to the story of the the what the vicar said.
Oh, come on, it's quick-fire! Oh, I can't take any more.
I've got a life to live -- let me live it! You were my husband, you were my lover, you were the vicar at the church at the end of the road, but now you're dead.
Let me grieve in peace.
- How can I get you to leave? - Statue of Liberty.
Oh, my God! What is wrong with you two? Fine.
I'll go.
- That was your fault.
- Me? You set her off.
No.
If you hadn't done the when's her birthday thing, she wouldn't be so angry.
And not actually knowing when your wife's birthday is, joining in with a TV quiz while she's having a breakdown -- - that didn't upset her at all, did it? - She'll calm down! Or maybe not.
OK, fine, I live with ghosts.
I have to deal with it.
But I don't want to live with ghosts.
- Aw! I'm sure, together, we can find comfort.
- Really? What, there's a story in the Bible about a woman who lives with her dead husband? And a dead lover? And a dead vicar? All of whom refuse to leave? You know, St Peter once said a very wise thing.
What? What did he say? No, sorry, I'm talking bollocks.
I've no idea.
Just used to make up stories to fit situations and say St Peter said them.
You weren't a very good vicar, were you? Not as I remember, no.
Marley! Could I have a word? Rubbish, worthless, rubbish, worthless.
- This looks all right.
- You can't have that.
- Don't want it Vince.
What do you mean you don't want it? You can't have it, but what do you mean you don't want it? - It's rubbish.
- It's not rubbish.
That's an actual Hanwell Under-17s Runner-Up football medal.
- We want jewellery.
- That's upstairs.
How can you not want the medal? - Don't tell them! - Well, they can't hear me.
- Then why? I don't know! I'm excited.
I've never been in a robbery before.
- Vince, put the rubbish down! - It's not rubbish! - Probably means a lot to someone.
- Check the telly or something.
'What word can go before meat, dog and roll?' Er Vince! - 'Sausage.
' - So easy! - I was going to say that! - Then why didn't you? - Why didn't YOU? - Because we're being burgled! Now, I know you've been through a lot recently, and we're all very sympathetic.
It's not me, you understand, but some members of the residents association - have been a little worried lately.
- Worried? - Yes.
- Why? Well, you just seem a little distracted.
Sorry? Distracted.
Just some members of the committee have noticed - some erratic behaviour.
- What erratic behaviour? Well Oh, yeah, you do do that.
Oh, right, that erratic behaviour.
Look, it's not me, you understand, and obviously, what with your recent bereavement, things haven't been easy for you.
- No, they haven't they haven't been easy for me.
- Marley? So this distracted business 'Be gone, foul demons, never to cast a shadow 'upon the brightness of this world again.
I cast you out!' Yes.
Yes! Got to go.
Vicar.
Who? - 'What do Americans call a torch?' - I know this, I know this.
'I need you to hurry here.
What do Americans call a torch?' A flashlight.
Oh, bloody hell! 'Flashlight.
' Hey, look at this! No, you can't have that.
I bought that for Marley.
- That's very special.
- What is it? It's actually a rather rare, rather exquisite piece.
Looks like they got it from a car boot sale.
I bought it on Bond Street! Worthless.
- He's not listening.
- To a ghost -- really? Listen, idiot, this happens to be - a rather wonderful piece of Chinese neckwear.
- Thank you, Shelley! It's worth about £900.
- I paid a lot more than that! - And HE'S the idiot? Someone's coming, someone's coming -- out! We follow the necklace.
Start the car Vince Vince! - The boy's an idiot.
Oh, give him a chance.
You take - your time.
- He knows what he's doing.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
It's not the first car you've stolen.
- It's the first car I've stolen.
- Why didn't you steal a Jag? Obviously didn't want to steal a Jag.
- I should have stole a Jag.
- You're just trying to make me look silly.
Ah, good lad! Stay within the speed limit, nice and easy.
Off we go.
Let's find another house.
'And if I can't cast you out, others shall take my place.
'Be gone, foul demons of the damned!' Yeah, you tell 'em, bad actor.
You do know that's not real? - Worth thinking about, though, eh? - What? 'Be gone foul, demons! I cast you out.
' - Looks all right.
- Yeah.
Well, this is rather nice.
I think this is an original.
- Who's the artist? - Lambert Kilby.
Oh, he's very good.
Very collectable.
- It's a sound investment.
- This place is a goldmine.
Look at all these 20th-century Pop Art pieces.
They've got a cracking DVD collection.
I'll get us a nice one for later.
Something About Mary? That's good.
I watched that with Marley.
Oh, it's get that fella What's his name? Ben Stiller.
- Um, you know the - Ben Stiller, yeah.
And who's that girl in it as well? Oh, really good-looking.
You know, the fit one.
Ssh! Vince, if you're not going to help, just sit down and shut up.
He's just trying to find you something to watch together.
And you.
Oh! Superb! - I think this is an Elsbet Saunders.
- See if it's signed.
Saunders, yes! How comes you know so much about art and that? I read books.
That's like the internet, but printed on paper.
Well, we've come to the right house! And who got us in? Who did the door? Vince! You're both too quick to have a go at him.
He found the house, he broke in.
He chucks bricks through windows.
Hardly the mark of a master criminal.
Shelley's in a different league.
She knows about art, culture.
She has taste and, yes, daring.
If she had a decent accomplice, she'd be much better.
I can imagine Shelley disabling advanced alarm systems, slipping cat-like through the night, in a tight outfit of gloves boots straps Someone is here.
I'm going to open the door very, very slowly.
OK.
Be really quiet and when we get outside - Cameron Diaz! - Cameron Diaz! - For Christ's sake, Vince! - He's just remembered! - Ssh! Who's there?! Run! Come here! - Of course I reported it.
- You don't seem too upset.
Should I be? It was just a broken window.
Nothing was taken.
What? Oh, you obviously didn't realise, they took your necklace.
- My diamond one? - No, the one I got you.
- Oh.
Oh! - You said it was your special one.
- What was? - The necklace I got you.
- Yes, it is my special one.
But it was stuffed in a dusty old drawer.
No, it was stuffed in a special drawer.
A special drawer for special things that only come out on special occasions.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'm sure the insurance will replace it.
Yeah, it'll be exactly the same.
- Does it have to be exactly the same? - Um She didn't like it.
Then why would she put it in her special drawer? It wasn't a special drawer.
If it wasn't a special drawer, why would she put special things in it? You both seem quite calm.
Why? What you on about? Just thought you'd be freaking out by now.
Why would we be? It's kind of your fault, isn't it, with all the arguing.
Vicar, what are you talking about? Oh, right.
Marley watched a film, made some calls and now she's got a ghost-hunter coming to get rid of us, tomorrow.
What? Yeah, totally out of my realm, that.
She's coming.
Now you've had it.
- Are we in trouble? - I don't know.
Maybe.
97% success rate, apparently, at getting rid of Thank you for coming, Miss Randolph.
You see, they just won't listen to me.
- I've tried being reasonable, but - You want them gone.
I don't want them hurt.
Can't guarantee that.
Let's do this work.
- Can she see us? - Maybe.
I don't know.
Oh, God, grow up! Of course she can't.
Oh, bloody hell! Bit fierce.
Yeah, I don't mind them popping in every now and again.
- I just don't want them living here - Ssh! I shall give no quarter, have no mercy.
If they're here I shall find them.
- Oh, she's a bit good.
- Shut up! She'll hear you.
Ha! Oh! Now you've done it.
You've only brought this on yourselves.
- I mean, if you'd listened to me - What? Oh, I'm just talking to the ghosts.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
They're there.
Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? She can't see us.
Here I am.
Here.
Here I am.
No.
No.
No.
She's having you on.
You're being done, Marley.
What do you think, Isabelle? Anything? - Isabelle? - You can't see her? - No.
- But you can see your ghosts.
- They're there.
Here! - Can't miss us! - On the head, girl.
No, they're not.
What? Well, who's Isabelle? She's the first ghost I ever caught.
She's been with me for years.
Sort of great friends now.
She helps me hunt ghosts and we're great friends, aren't we, Isabelle? - You really can't see her? - No.
Well, that's a shame, because she's very pretty.
Yes, you are.
You are, yes.
Well, no.
Thank you.
That's very kind, Isabelle.
You are much prettier than me.
She's not.
Big girl.
Right, well, Marley, we can't find anything or anyone.
For God's sake! Hello? Woooooo! Oh, what? Isabelle wants to say goodbye.
Oh, right.
Goodbye, Isabelle.
- She's not tiny.
- Goodbye, Isabelle.
- Well, you're being ridiculous now.
Sorry.
You didn't say whether she was tall or small -- you just said she was fat.
Well, now you've done it! You've made her cry.
Is that what you do -- just upset people? - No, no, no.
- Now, the fee? Right, yes.
Just you haven't actually found anything, so? Doesn't mean we didn't look.
Here! It's £100.
- Oh, gosh, that's quite a lot of money.
- Each.
Wow! Gosh, I didn't imagine it was going to be You invited Isabelle here to help you, then you called her fat - and made her cry, and now you're refusing to pay us? - No, no, no.
Yes, Isabelle, she's refusing to pay us.
No, I'm not.
I'm not refusing.
I'll just pop and get my purse.
- Aren't we just? - Thank you.
She just sat on Isabelle.
If they were here, Isabelle and I would have seen them.
My advice to you, and I offer it for nothing What about Isabelle? She might charge.
- Shut up, Michael.
- What? - I'm talking to the ghosts.
No, you're not.
You don't have ghosts, Marley.
Whoever you're talking to, they're not there.
Are you sure? I'm positive you don't have ghosts.
But you do have, you know, a problem.
What? You OK? - Am I dribbling? - No.
Right, well, I'll have to work on that, because I'm obviously insane.
Marley, you're not crazy.
Well, I'm talking to you, but you're not here.
She had a ghost that I can't see, but I can see three ghosts that don't bloody exist, so if that's not crazy, what is? I mean, you heard her.
You're in here.
This is all in my head.
I am obviously insane! Morning, Tina.
Sorry.
Morning Oh, forget it.
That whole dribbling thing is starting to happen.
Dribbling, yeah, I've been working on that.
Bit of rocking back and forth, mad hair.
- We love you, Marley.
- Yeah, and I love you.
I love you all.
Probably the problem.
You know, St Peter once said No, he didn't.
Look, I wish you were here.
I wish I could see ghosts, because I'm just so lonely.
Starting to drift off at work.
Bound to make mistakes.
They'll get rid of me.
They'll put me somewhere.
We're here, Marley.
No, you're not.
You're not here.
You are in here, which is why I'm sitting here, wearing Jesus, what am I wearing?! What? This is you.
What? That's Shelley, and us.
If someone else can see you, I'm not insane.
You're here.
You're real ish.
We've got to find who saw you.
- So we came running out of the house and we did a right.
- Why? - Why what? - Why were you running? If some big guy was chasing you, you'd run.
Not if I was dead and no-one could see me, I wouldn't.
We're not idiots.
We soon realised that.
We ran up the street, did a left and another right, then we hid behind a car.
OK, after a while, we realised that.
So who was watching you? Who saw you? - She was in her front garden.
- Who? - Her.
Hello.
Can you see these men? Obviously, I recognise these two from their likenesses provided by the witness, but they swear blind they did it on their own.
It was just me and him.
I entered the flat and found a number of suspicious items -- watches, televisions, iPads, a pair of earrings.
Not all of it was stolen, though.
Got a receipt for the earrings.
They were a present for Shelley's birthday.
Her birthday? Yeah.
Then why did I find them stuffed at the back of a dusty old drawer? Yes, thank you.
I'll ask the questions.
- I thought you said you liked those earrings? - What? Oh, yeah, love the earrings.
Then what are they doing stuffed in the back of a dusty old drawer? No.
No, they were stuffed in a special drawer.
A special drawer for special things that only come out on special occasions.
Oh, special.
- Special drawer for special things?! - Ha! She obviously hates them.
I can't believe that idiot fell for it.
- Well, you did! - What? - No.
- You did, you did.
- No! - You did! - Oh, what, Marley's necklace? - Yeah.
No, because that was a special drawer for special things -- special things that only come out on Can't believe I fell for it.
Moving on.
I have a reputation to maintain, a living to make.
All of a sudden, this child is claiming she can see ghosts.
Someone told her she's got a gift.
My clients are leaving me and going to her.
I mean, her mother's placed ads in the papers.
That doesn't justify your behaviour towards a child, Miss Randolph.
Clearly you have rage issues.
I don't have rage.
SHE has rage.
Two weeks community service and £300 fine.
£300?! Each.
And if Isabelle can't pay, I'm afraid you'll have to.
Well, you'll have to pay.
- Nice work, Marley.
- Thanks.
Look, I'm sorry, Michael, but it's a disgusting necklace that no-one with any taste would ever want to wear.
Shelley liked it.
Vince didn't.
Vince is an idiot.
I just can't believe you never liked it.
All these years, I thought we had an understanding, an affection.
- We do.
- Obviously not.
- Just because I hate your necklace! - That no-one with any taste would ever want to wear.
- Not helping! I know.
Michael, I hate your necklace.
I love you.
What about Adam? Do you love Adam? - I'd like an answer.
- Of course I love you, Adam.
- OK! - Are we OK? - OK, yes, we're good.
- More than him? - Oh! - It's just a question.
She's not answering because she loves me more.
- She does not.
- She loves me more.
- She so loves me more.
- So doesn't.
- So does! - I'm her husband.
First love.
I'm the lover.
Second love.
But that's like a sequel.
It's never as good as the first film.
- Godfather II.
- Empire Strikes Back.
Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.
Transporter 2.
- Um - Terminator.
Terminator 2.
Jury's out.
What?! Terminator 2 is much better! I don't like good Arnie.
I don't like good Arnie.
I know, but the other guy's really good.
And then there's all the witty banter with the kid.
That's awesome.
How do you feel about Alien? - I'm really going off you both.
- Oh, God!
You were involved in a Oh, God, it was terrible! Don't worry, Marley, I'm here.
But Adam? It's fine, it's fine.
Remember, Adam's away all weekend.
It's just you and me.
That's right, Marley.
I'm away all weekend.
AAARRRRGHHH! It's official! I'm losing my mind.
And the bickering! You're always bickering.
I can't stand the bickering.
Dead people don't bicker.
They lie, silent, never to annoy again.
We weren't bickering.
We were just calmly discussing who loves you more.
- Which is obviously me.
- I'm the husband! - I'm the lover.
- We were married for 17 years.
- 19.
Whereas you were only a warm body on a cold night.
I belong here.
I belong with Marley.
You don't belong anywhere -- you're dead.
- I belong here.
I love her.
- Because you love her? - Because I desperately love Marley.
- "Desperately"! I desperately, completely and utterly love Marley.
- When's her birthday? - What? Marley's birthday.
The birthday of the woman you desperately, completely and utterly love.
When is it? - I don't have to answer that.
- You bloody do! When's my birthday? - Your what? - Her birthday.
- You're not helping.
- I know! Come on -- when is it? It's always a time of great celebration.
- When's my bloody birthday? - I don't bloody know! You don't know when my birthday is, you don't know how long we were married.
For God's sake! Morning, Tina.
You were born April the 7th at 3:34 in the morning.
I know Marley's birthday, her parents' birthdays, her primary school, secondary school, sixth form college.
The name of her university -- Manchester.
The name of her English professor -- Professor Dawkins.
The name of her first lover -- Andrew Gibson.
Where she lost her virginity -- 42 Melville Road.
When she lost her virginity -- the 17th of May.
Shoe size, dress size, bra size.
Stop following me! Technically, we're not following you, you're following us.
- Shut up, Adam! - I know each and every detail of her life from her favourite pair of shoes to her favourite pair of knickers.
I made it my business to check her mail, her diaries.
- If that's not love - Mercury.
- Oh, they can't hear you, Adam.
Nobody can hear him except me, but I don't want to hear him.
I don't want to hear any of you.
I don't want to see any of you.
Oh, guys! Marley is obviously distraught.
We need to listen to her, understand her.
Please, I just need Adam! - What? - You're still watching the - It's quick-fire.
I'm having a breakdown and you're still Adam! - What? - Oh! I can't live like this.
All right, everybody needs to calm down.
Take a breath.
Everybody who's not yet dead, take a breath.
- Now, this situation is obviously - Crap.
I was going to say awkward, but OK.
Look, there's a story from the Book of Luke and it might help.
It's the fable of the wise woman and the well.
Does anybody know that one? No.
Oh, that's a shame.
Nor do I.
Oh! The four beggars.
It's about the four beggars.
This is a good one.
And it will offer comfort.
So, there's four beggars and they get invited into a house.
- Adam? - What? - Are you listening? - Yeah.
- To the telly! No, no, to the story of the the what the vicar said.
Oh, come on, it's quick-fire! Oh, I can't take any more.
I've got a life to live -- let me live it! You were my husband, you were my lover, you were the vicar at the church at the end of the road, but now you're dead.
Let me grieve in peace.
- How can I get you to leave? - Statue of Liberty.
Oh, my God! What is wrong with you two? Fine.
I'll go.
- That was your fault.
- Me? You set her off.
No.
If you hadn't done the when's her birthday thing, she wouldn't be so angry.
And not actually knowing when your wife's birthday is, joining in with a TV quiz while she's having a breakdown -- - that didn't upset her at all, did it? - She'll calm down! Or maybe not.
OK, fine, I live with ghosts.
I have to deal with it.
But I don't want to live with ghosts.
- Aw! I'm sure, together, we can find comfort.
- Really? What, there's a story in the Bible about a woman who lives with her dead husband? And a dead lover? And a dead vicar? All of whom refuse to leave? You know, St Peter once said a very wise thing.
What? What did he say? No, sorry, I'm talking bollocks.
I've no idea.
Just used to make up stories to fit situations and say St Peter said them.
You weren't a very good vicar, were you? Not as I remember, no.
Marley! Could I have a word? Rubbish, worthless, rubbish, worthless.
- This looks all right.
- You can't have that.
- Don't want it Vince.
What do you mean you don't want it? You can't have it, but what do you mean you don't want it? - It's rubbish.
- It's not rubbish.
That's an actual Hanwell Under-17s Runner-Up football medal.
- We want jewellery.
- That's upstairs.
How can you not want the medal? - Don't tell them! - Well, they can't hear me.
- Then why? I don't know! I'm excited.
I've never been in a robbery before.
- Vince, put the rubbish down! - It's not rubbish! - Probably means a lot to someone.
- Check the telly or something.
'What word can go before meat, dog and roll?' Er Vince! - 'Sausage.
' - So easy! - I was going to say that! - Then why didn't you? - Why didn't YOU? - Because we're being burgled! Now, I know you've been through a lot recently, and we're all very sympathetic.
It's not me, you understand, but some members of the residents association - have been a little worried lately.
- Worried? - Yes.
- Why? Well, you just seem a little distracted.
Sorry? Distracted.
Just some members of the committee have noticed - some erratic behaviour.
- What erratic behaviour? Well Oh, yeah, you do do that.
Oh, right, that erratic behaviour.
Look, it's not me, you understand, and obviously, what with your recent bereavement, things haven't been easy for you.
- No, they haven't they haven't been easy for me.
- Marley? So this distracted business 'Be gone, foul demons, never to cast a shadow 'upon the brightness of this world again.
I cast you out!' Yes.
Yes! Got to go.
Vicar.
Who? - 'What do Americans call a torch?' - I know this, I know this.
'I need you to hurry here.
What do Americans call a torch?' A flashlight.
Oh, bloody hell! 'Flashlight.
' Hey, look at this! No, you can't have that.
I bought that for Marley.
- That's very special.
- What is it? It's actually a rather rare, rather exquisite piece.
Looks like they got it from a car boot sale.
I bought it on Bond Street! Worthless.
- He's not listening.
- To a ghost -- really? Listen, idiot, this happens to be - a rather wonderful piece of Chinese neckwear.
- Thank you, Shelley! It's worth about £900.
- I paid a lot more than that! - And HE'S the idiot? Someone's coming, someone's coming -- out! We follow the necklace.
Start the car Vince Vince! - The boy's an idiot.
Oh, give him a chance.
You take - your time.
- He knows what he's doing.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
It's not the first car you've stolen.
- It's the first car I've stolen.
- Why didn't you steal a Jag? Obviously didn't want to steal a Jag.
- I should have stole a Jag.
- You're just trying to make me look silly.
Ah, good lad! Stay within the speed limit, nice and easy.
Off we go.
Let's find another house.
'And if I can't cast you out, others shall take my place.
'Be gone, foul demons of the damned!' Yeah, you tell 'em, bad actor.
You do know that's not real? - Worth thinking about, though, eh? - What? 'Be gone foul, demons! I cast you out.
' - Looks all right.
- Yeah.
Well, this is rather nice.
I think this is an original.
- Who's the artist? - Lambert Kilby.
Oh, he's very good.
Very collectable.
- It's a sound investment.
- This place is a goldmine.
Look at all these 20th-century Pop Art pieces.
They've got a cracking DVD collection.
I'll get us a nice one for later.
Something About Mary? That's good.
I watched that with Marley.
Oh, it's get that fella What's his name? Ben Stiller.
- Um, you know the - Ben Stiller, yeah.
And who's that girl in it as well? Oh, really good-looking.
You know, the fit one.
Ssh! Vince, if you're not going to help, just sit down and shut up.
He's just trying to find you something to watch together.
And you.
Oh! Superb! - I think this is an Elsbet Saunders.
- See if it's signed.
Saunders, yes! How comes you know so much about art and that? I read books.
That's like the internet, but printed on paper.
Well, we've come to the right house! And who got us in? Who did the door? Vince! You're both too quick to have a go at him.
He found the house, he broke in.
He chucks bricks through windows.
Hardly the mark of a master criminal.
Shelley's in a different league.
She knows about art, culture.
She has taste and, yes, daring.
If she had a decent accomplice, she'd be much better.
I can imagine Shelley disabling advanced alarm systems, slipping cat-like through the night, in a tight outfit of gloves boots straps Someone is here.
I'm going to open the door very, very slowly.
OK.
Be really quiet and when we get outside - Cameron Diaz! - Cameron Diaz! - For Christ's sake, Vince! - He's just remembered! - Ssh! Who's there?! Run! Come here! - Of course I reported it.
- You don't seem too upset.
Should I be? It was just a broken window.
Nothing was taken.
What? Oh, you obviously didn't realise, they took your necklace.
- My diamond one? - No, the one I got you.
- Oh.
Oh! - You said it was your special one.
- What was? - The necklace I got you.
- Yes, it is my special one.
But it was stuffed in a dusty old drawer.
No, it was stuffed in a special drawer.
A special drawer for special things that only come out on special occasions.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'm sure the insurance will replace it.
Yeah, it'll be exactly the same.
- Does it have to be exactly the same? - Um She didn't like it.
Then why would she put it in her special drawer? It wasn't a special drawer.
If it wasn't a special drawer, why would she put special things in it? You both seem quite calm.
Why? What you on about? Just thought you'd be freaking out by now.
Why would we be? It's kind of your fault, isn't it, with all the arguing.
Vicar, what are you talking about? Oh, right.
Marley watched a film, made some calls and now she's got a ghost-hunter coming to get rid of us, tomorrow.
What? Yeah, totally out of my realm, that.
She's coming.
Now you've had it.
- Are we in trouble? - I don't know.
Maybe.
97% success rate, apparently, at getting rid of Thank you for coming, Miss Randolph.
You see, they just won't listen to me.
- I've tried being reasonable, but - You want them gone.
I don't want them hurt.
Can't guarantee that.
Let's do this work.
- Can she see us? - Maybe.
I don't know.
Oh, God, grow up! Of course she can't.
Oh, bloody hell! Bit fierce.
Yeah, I don't mind them popping in every now and again.
- I just don't want them living here - Ssh! I shall give no quarter, have no mercy.
If they're here I shall find them.
- Oh, she's a bit good.
- Shut up! She'll hear you.
Ha! Oh! Now you've done it.
You've only brought this on yourselves.
- I mean, if you'd listened to me - What? Oh, I'm just talking to the ghosts.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
They're there.
Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? She can't see us.
Here I am.
Here.
Here I am.
No.
No.
No.
She's having you on.
You're being done, Marley.
What do you think, Isabelle? Anything? - Isabelle? - You can't see her? - No.
- But you can see your ghosts.
- They're there.
Here! - Can't miss us! - On the head, girl.
No, they're not.
What? Well, who's Isabelle? She's the first ghost I ever caught.
She's been with me for years.
Sort of great friends now.
She helps me hunt ghosts and we're great friends, aren't we, Isabelle? - You really can't see her? - No.
Well, that's a shame, because she's very pretty.
Yes, you are.
You are, yes.
Well, no.
Thank you.
That's very kind, Isabelle.
You are much prettier than me.
She's not.
Big girl.
Right, well, Marley, we can't find anything or anyone.
For God's sake! Hello? Woooooo! Oh, what? Isabelle wants to say goodbye.
Oh, right.
Goodbye, Isabelle.
- She's not tiny.
- Goodbye, Isabelle.
- Well, you're being ridiculous now.
Sorry.
You didn't say whether she was tall or small -- you just said she was fat.
Well, now you've done it! You've made her cry.
Is that what you do -- just upset people? - No, no, no.
- Now, the fee? Right, yes.
Just you haven't actually found anything, so? Doesn't mean we didn't look.
Here! It's £100.
- Oh, gosh, that's quite a lot of money.
- Each.
Wow! Gosh, I didn't imagine it was going to be You invited Isabelle here to help you, then you called her fat - and made her cry, and now you're refusing to pay us? - No, no, no.
Yes, Isabelle, she's refusing to pay us.
No, I'm not.
I'm not refusing.
I'll just pop and get my purse.
- Aren't we just? - Thank you.
She just sat on Isabelle.
If they were here, Isabelle and I would have seen them.
My advice to you, and I offer it for nothing What about Isabelle? She might charge.
- Shut up, Michael.
- What? - I'm talking to the ghosts.
No, you're not.
You don't have ghosts, Marley.
Whoever you're talking to, they're not there.
Are you sure? I'm positive you don't have ghosts.
But you do have, you know, a problem.
What? You OK? - Am I dribbling? - No.
Right, well, I'll have to work on that, because I'm obviously insane.
Marley, you're not crazy.
Well, I'm talking to you, but you're not here.
She had a ghost that I can't see, but I can see three ghosts that don't bloody exist, so if that's not crazy, what is? I mean, you heard her.
You're in here.
This is all in my head.
I am obviously insane! Morning, Tina.
Sorry.
Morning Oh, forget it.
That whole dribbling thing is starting to happen.
Dribbling, yeah, I've been working on that.
Bit of rocking back and forth, mad hair.
- We love you, Marley.
- Yeah, and I love you.
I love you all.
Probably the problem.
You know, St Peter once said No, he didn't.
Look, I wish you were here.
I wish I could see ghosts, because I'm just so lonely.
Starting to drift off at work.
Bound to make mistakes.
They'll get rid of me.
They'll put me somewhere.
We're here, Marley.
No, you're not.
You're not here.
You are in here, which is why I'm sitting here, wearing Jesus, what am I wearing?! What? This is you.
What? That's Shelley, and us.
If someone else can see you, I'm not insane.
You're here.
You're real ish.
We've got to find who saw you.
- So we came running out of the house and we did a right.
- Why? - Why what? - Why were you running? If some big guy was chasing you, you'd run.
Not if I was dead and no-one could see me, I wouldn't.
We're not idiots.
We soon realised that.
We ran up the street, did a left and another right, then we hid behind a car.
OK, after a while, we realised that.
So who was watching you? Who saw you? - She was in her front garden.
- Who? - Her.
Hello.
Can you see these men? Obviously, I recognise these two from their likenesses provided by the witness, but they swear blind they did it on their own.
It was just me and him.
I entered the flat and found a number of suspicious items -- watches, televisions, iPads, a pair of earrings.
Not all of it was stolen, though.
Got a receipt for the earrings.
They were a present for Shelley's birthday.
Her birthday? Yeah.
Then why did I find them stuffed at the back of a dusty old drawer? Yes, thank you.
I'll ask the questions.
- I thought you said you liked those earrings? - What? Oh, yeah, love the earrings.
Then what are they doing stuffed in the back of a dusty old drawer? No.
No, they were stuffed in a special drawer.
A special drawer for special things that only come out on special occasions.
Oh, special.
- Special drawer for special things?! - Ha! She obviously hates them.
I can't believe that idiot fell for it.
- Well, you did! - What? - No.
- You did, you did.
- No! - You did! - Oh, what, Marley's necklace? - Yeah.
No, because that was a special drawer for special things -- special things that only come out on Can't believe I fell for it.
Moving on.
I have a reputation to maintain, a living to make.
All of a sudden, this child is claiming she can see ghosts.
Someone told her she's got a gift.
My clients are leaving me and going to her.
I mean, her mother's placed ads in the papers.
That doesn't justify your behaviour towards a child, Miss Randolph.
Clearly you have rage issues.
I don't have rage.
SHE has rage.
Two weeks community service and £300 fine.
£300?! Each.
And if Isabelle can't pay, I'm afraid you'll have to.
Well, you'll have to pay.
- Nice work, Marley.
- Thanks.
Look, I'm sorry, Michael, but it's a disgusting necklace that no-one with any taste would ever want to wear.
Shelley liked it.
Vince didn't.
Vince is an idiot.
I just can't believe you never liked it.
All these years, I thought we had an understanding, an affection.
- We do.
- Obviously not.
- Just because I hate your necklace! - That no-one with any taste would ever want to wear.
- Not helping! I know.
Michael, I hate your necklace.
I love you.
What about Adam? Do you love Adam? - I'd like an answer.
- Of course I love you, Adam.
- OK! - Are we OK? - OK, yes, we're good.
- More than him? - Oh! - It's just a question.
She's not answering because she loves me more.
- She does not.
- She loves me more.
- She so loves me more.
- So doesn't.
- So does! - I'm her husband.
First love.
I'm the lover.
Second love.
But that's like a sequel.
It's never as good as the first film.
- Godfather II.
- Empire Strikes Back.
Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.
Transporter 2.
- Um - Terminator.
Terminator 2.
Jury's out.
What?! Terminator 2 is much better! I don't like good Arnie.
I don't like good Arnie.
I know, but the other guy's really good.
And then there's all the witty banter with the kid.
That's awesome.
How do you feel about Alien? - I'm really going off you both.
- Oh, God!