M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e02 Episode Script

[ Hawkeye Humming .]
[ Humming Continues .]
You know, we got a big man here.
This guy's a two-star general.
Yeah.
Take away their skivvies, and they all look like P.
F.
C.
s.
-Phew! -I knew a brigadier once had a star tattooed on his chest in case he bumped into anybody in the shower.
Tell me, Doctor.
What was the general doing on the front lines, anyway? This one, he's a fighting general.
You know- [ Whistles .]
- In that case, the least we can do is save him.
- Mm.
If you insist.
- Hey.
- What? Okay.
Oh, boy, very shocky.
Push the plasma.
Give me 100 milligrams of hydrocortisone to give I.
V.
- It's empty, Doctor.
- Empty? Get another one.
- It's the last one.
What are you talkin' about? All right.
Keep pushing the plasma.
Get me some O-negative blood on the double.
Hurry up.
All right.
Okay.
He's out of danger for the time being.
Get Spearchucker to finish him.
But don't tell him a mere captain saved his life.
He might not pay his bill.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
Whoever screwed up on those orders- somebody's gonna get it.
- Yeah.
You wanna know where? - [ Trapper .]
He should be hung up by his thumbs.
I'm old-fashioned.
I'm for slipping him a pint of castor oil and locking him in a closet.
- Who are you talking about? - Whoever it is that ordered supplies last month.
It just so happens I signed that requisition, Mclntyre.
Well, you almost lost us a man, 'cause this was empty.
Well, well, that's not my fault.
You can't blame me.
I certainly had hydrocortisone on my list somewhere.
- Here-Here-Here it is.
- I heard that.
You have no right to blame Major Houlihan.
That hydrocortisone and half our other supplies were hijacked before they ever left Seoul.
- It's those vicious black marketeers.
- So where are the M.
P.
s? Yeah.
They're supposed to do something besides direct traffic and rinse their gloves at night.
The army is well aware of its responsibilities.
It so happens a truck just pulled up outside with our replacement supplies.
Why didn't you say so? Frank's gotta stop every five minutes and do a commercial for your friendly American war.
They're insufferable.
Last night I had a dream.
They both broke their jaws and had to have their mouths wired shut.
Sorry I'm late, but I got stopped by an M.
P.
roadblock.
They're checkin' everybody.
The area's crawling with hijackers.
Whoops.
- I'll bet you don't know what kind of wood this is.
- It's oak.
Nope.
It's oak.
Just look at it.
It's a hundred years old if it's a day.
Well, this is what a man needs, far from the security of home.
Roots.
Solidity.
Strength.
- Henry.
Henry, we're in big trouble.
- Don't do that.
I'm sorry about that.
Hey, how do you like my new desk? Your new desk? We just lost - What do you want from me? - We want you to call General Hammond down in Seoul right away, demand some action.
I couldn't do that.
[ Trapper .]
Henry, we have got to have that stuff.
Get me the Fourth Convalescent in Seoul.
I want to talk to General Hammond.
It's- If he's not there, try him at the officers' mess.
It's urgent.
I'm well aware of that.
I mean, I am a doctor too, you know.
Henry, that's your high school diploma.
Well, don't you recognize my voice yet, you knucklehead? This is Colonel Blake.
Off the desk.
- Yeah, hello? Hello? Okay.
Uh, Colonel Blake? - Hmm? - General Hammond.
- Well, now, there's a coincidence for you, him calling me right now.
- Hello, General.
- [ Hammond .]
What do you want? - Well, you called me, sir.
- I called you, huh? Didn't I tell you to stay away from that homemade stuff? - Black market.
- Off the desk.
Oh - No, sir.
I'm sorry.
What I wanted to talk to you about was the black market.
What did you want to say about it? Well, it's terrible.
What I mean is, they just knocked off our supplies again.
Could you possibly send us another batch of hydrocortisone? Now, listen, Henry.
I don't give a hoot in hell if you do have somebody that can bring us Bob Hope for Christmas.
- The 4077th got their allotment.
That's all you get.
- But General- I'm a busy man, Henry.
I've got an important meeting this afternoon with MacArthur.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
Good-bye, sir.
- I tried.
- That was trying, huh? Well, we can't bother the general with this sort of thing.
He has a meeting this afternoon with MacArthur.
We gotta do something and be brilliant.
Listen.
If we can't figure out a way to out-black-market the black market, then we don't deserve the illustrious reputation we've tried so hard to achieve.
- [ Hawkeye .]
Any luck? - Top pocket.
- Charlie Lee? - He's your man.
He's the biggest operator in Seoul.
He has an office behind the bar that's owned by Madam Koo.
[ Swallowing .]
I, uh, signed out a jeep for you.
It's outside.
Make sure nobody steals it down there, huh? Thanks, Radar.
I'll be back later to pump out your stomach.
[ Radio: "Chattanooga Choo-Choo"InJapanese .]
Hey, listen.
We'd better hire somebody to watch the jeep.
I mean, with all this black market action.
You know, they're like piranhas.
You got a good thought there.
- But you didn't get it fast enough.
- They must've worked a pit stop.
I hope they choke on the tires.
[ Knocking .]
- [ Hawkeye .]
Mr.
Lee? - To you, Charlie.
- I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
This is Trapper Mclntyre.
- And a terrific surgeon too.
- He's checked us out.
- Yeah.
You guys got the best rep in the Southeast Asia theater of operations.
Uh, listen.
I don't like to bring it up, but- - Come on, Charlie.
What is it? - Lately I've been getting a grab right around here.
- Oh, a little tightness there? Come here.
- Yeah.
- Lean over the desk.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Right up here? Does it run down the arm? - Yeah.
Right there.
Yeah.
- How's that? - You know what that is? Tension.
Pressure.
- Yes.
Yeah.
- How's everything at home? Any trouble? - Fine.
No problem.
- Business okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
- Charlie,you should take long weekends, try some golf.
- Yeah, have a little drink before dinner.
- It'll help? - Well, it wouldn't hurt.
Hey, I love that sweater.
- Alpaca.
- For Charlie Lee, nothing but the best.
- Very nice.
- Now, what can I do for you fellas? - I'll make it short and sweet.
There's been a heist, two shipments of medical supplies.
- There's a lot of call for that.
- We don't mind the other stuff, but they cleaned us out of hydrocortisone, and that we need, bad.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We made a deal this morning.
The stuff goes for $10,000.
- Ten thousand bucks? - Tell you what.
I shouldn't do this.
You meet that offer, and I'll kill the other deal.
Charlie, where are we gonna come up with that kind of scratch? Look.
We'll give it to you in trade.
Free hospitalization.
- Appendix operations.
Nose jobs.
- In my organization, we already have a health plan, including retirement benefits.
I got it.
We'll swap you something.
We can get our hands on all kinds of equipment.
- Oh, yeah.
A lot of stuff.
- There must be something you want.
- Wow.
- I bet he gives a year's guarantee on parts and labor.
This is only the showroom.
The real stuff is in the warehouse.
Lookit, fellas.
I'd like to go along with you, but I'm a businessman.
If there was just something you had I could use.
You know what, Charlie? There is.
Something there's only one of in all of Southeast Asia.
A very special item that would enhance this office and give it what it cries out for: prestige.
A man of your importance shouldn't be sitting behind a piece of furniture like this.
The moment somebody walks in that door, they should know they're in the presence of nothing but the best.
You should have something at least 100 years old, something that represents dignity, roots, solidity.
A genuine American antique desk.
[ Speaker: Man Singing In Japanese .]
Wait till Henry gets a load of those stars.
You'll have to beat him off with a stick.
- Which way to the desk? - In there.
Henry'll be the one with the furniture polish.
- Sir? - [ Henry .]
Hmm? Sir, there's a general to see you.
[ Muttering, Indistinct .]
- [ Drawer Slams .]
- [ Cries Out .]
Oh, God! [ Trapper Clears Throat .]
General Lee, our commanding officer, Colonel Blake.
So grand to meet you, Colonel Blake.
We didn't have any luck in Seoul, Henry, but the general was kind enough to drop us off.
- He's on an inspection tour.
- You tell truth.
Well, anything I can do to make you comfortable, sir.
I don't suppose you'd care for a little refreshment this early in the day? Depend on what you have.
In my place, we have nothing but the best.
- General, nothing but the finest, sir.
- If it's good stuff, I'll know.
- Well, that's why we can't be too careful these days.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
You can't be too careful.
Well, here we go.
Little hair from the dragon, as it were.
General.
Cheers.
L 'chayim.
- You have nice office.
- Thank you.
Handsome desk.
Oh, you know quality.
- You know, if I were to tell you about this desk- - Tell him, Henry.
Tell him.
- Yeah.
Don't leave out a thing.
- Well, first of all, I'll bet you don't know what wood it is.
- Oak.
- Nope.
It's oak.
- [ Charlie .]
Handmade.
- [ Henry .]
And it's handmade.
You know what that means? - Not made in Japan on assembly line, huh? - Right.
Tell me, Henry.
Just out of curiosity, how did you get a desk that big into this office? - The top comes off.
- Ohh.
[ Both .]
The top comes off.
You'll have to move this vehicle.
This space is reserved for ambulances.
- Wait a minute, Colonel.
- I'm a major.
- Want to be a colonel, huh? - What do you mean by that? Oh, forget it.
Forget it.
Want to buy a good watch? Cheap.
Fourteen karat.
Swiss movement.
No, I don't wanna buy any watches.
Okay.
Wanna sell one? Pay top dollar.
You get this vehicle out of here.
I don't want to see it or you when I come back.
You gave me the straight poop.
It's a deal.
The hydrocortisone for the desk.
- I'll have a truck in front of this building at 0600.
- Okay.
- But the desk better be here.
- Oh, yeah.
Because if it's not, the truck takes off, and I sell to my other buyer.
- It'll be here.
- I don't know how you guys are gonna pull this off.
- [ Engine Starts .]
- That makes two of us.
Three of us.
They're up to something.
That general's aide.
What kind of a man wears wristwatches on his leg? I think we should tell the colonel.
They can wrap Henry around their little fingers.
We've got to go to him with conclusive evidence, something that'll get 'em court-martialed and behind bars for 20 years.
Oh, Frank, do you think you could? - It's 0500.
- Okay.
Thanks.
Get lost.
Hey.
Come on.
We gotta get moving.
- I was just having- - I don't care who you were having.
Come on.
Come on.
[ Straining .]
- [ Carriage Bell Ringing .]
- [ Bumping .]
[ Exhales .]
These things were really built to last.
It's that lousy good craftsmanship.
Why didn't they make things like they do today? [ Gasps .]
- Margaret, is that you? - Frank? - I heard a noise- - I was just checking to see if- - Funny, isn't it? - What? Us.
You, me meeting like this.
- Oh, Frank.
- May I say you look very lovely, the way the flashlight catches your hair.
- I just washed it.
It must look a mess.
- It's beautiful.
Thank you.
- Margaret? - Yes? - Thank you.
- For what? For being you.
Do you know what I love most about you? Tell me.
Your lobes.
- They drive me wild.
- Oh, be wild, Frank.
Be wild.
- I'd like to slip into something a little more comfortable.
- Like what, darling? - The supply tent.
- The supply tent.
Yes, yes, yes, honey.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- That may have turned me off permanently.
[ Door Locking .]
Well, at least we know the colonel's liquor's safe.
[Jiggling Lock .]
We're locked in! How does a guy who's so bad with a needle always know right where to jab us? I don't know.
- [ Winding Crank .]
- Radar'd better have the key to this vault.
[ Engine Revving .]
- Nope.
- Hurry up.
The truck'll be here soon.
All right.
- [ Truck Approaching .]
- I think we just passed "soon.
" - What do I do now? - Get your fanny out there and hold that truck.
What good is holding the truck when we can't even get the desk out of here? Don't confuse me.
I can only handle one catastrophe at a time.
It's Radar! I think we've stumbled on a whole syndicate.
My boss say, "If desk not ready, cut out fast.
" Okay, but my boss say, "Please wait.
" Come on, buddy.
Five minutes.
It isn't gonna cost you anything to give 'em a little- To give them a little what, Corporal? I said, "To give them a little what?" Uh, some more duck sauce for his egg roll, sir.
The colonel has to be kept happy.
- You're lying, Radar.
- Sir? I happen to know the colonel despises duck sauce on his egg roll.
[ Wall Creaking .]
Major, you're absolutely right.
The truth is, sir, that this man is not a deliveryman.
Actually, sir, he's with the CIA, and he's on a case at this very moment.
I see.
Well, it so happens he looks fantastically like the man that tried to sell me a watch yesterday.
- I'd like to get a good look at your legs.
- Uh, one of those, huh? You get this truck off the base in the next 60 seconds, or you'll be showing your watches to the M.
P.
s! M.
P.
s? Ah, yes, sir.
Maybe another time.
Got to solve big case.
- And you get back to headquarters! - Yes, sir.
[ Door Closing, Engine Revving, Vehicle Departing .]
- What are you two doing? - Early Mass.
Mass? Well, where is Father Mulcahy? We started without him.
[ Grumbles .]
Forget it.
The truck's gone.
- The major ordered him out.
- What are we gonna do? We can't carry this thing to Seoul.
Get O'Brien.
All right, Frank.
You got me up, but you'd better have a good reason.
Well, the cold facts are, sir, that I believe there are black stockings- marketeers- operating on this base.
- I'm not in a position- - Black marketeers on my base? My booze! Where's O'Brien? [ Henry Mumbling To Himself .]
My desk.
My beautiful, What's going on here, Frank? Pardon me, Henry.
Isn't that your desk? Yeah.
That's my genuine antique desk.
Sending it out to be waxed? I don't know what it's doin' up there.
It just keeps goin' up, up, up.
To a far, far better place, I'm sure.
[ Horn Honking .]
Two hundred vials of hydrocortisone as promised.
We'll make sure it gets to the right people.
- You'll understand if we don't give you a receipt? - Yeah.
Just got a wire from the insurance company.
They say they're willing to pay off on my desk as soon as I can give them a believable explanation.
Hey.
Have you got a relative who's a general? You know how it is, Colonel: We all look alike.