Master of None (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Parents
1 Madam President, joint chiefs of staff, Prime Minister Cho, it's truly an honor to be here in the Oval Office, though I wish it were under better circumstances.
I just came back from a meeting with the world's top scientists.
They're all dead.
The virus, it got them all.
I was able to obtain a sample, but it's not in the vial.
It's in my blood.
Dr.
Vincent, if it's in your blood, then that means the virus My God.
Yes.
The sickening has begun.
Thank you, Ben.
Wow.
Wow.
Very powerful stuff, Dev.
That pause you took after "the sickening" was phenomenal.
Amazing pause one of the best pauses we've heard all day.
Yeah, thank you so much for coming in.
Thank you for your time.
Ohh! That's another pause.
That was great.
Now, our director's flying in next week.
I definitely want to bring you in for a session with him.
My office will be in touch.
Oh, that's great.
Is there any word on who the leads of the film might be? Between us, they're close on Colin Salmon and Kerry Washington.
And it looks like we're going with 50 Cent as the evil senator who looks the other way.
Ooh.
So is this, like, a black virus movie? Yes, that's exactly what it is.
Hey, so I got a callback on that black virus movie.
Could be cool.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
What? What's wrong? Ooh.
I just realized my calendar is not updating.
Dr.
Ramusami is visiting.
I forgot to pick him up in the train station.
Uh-oh.
That's cold.
Friend's visiting you all the way from India, seems like you should pick him up.
I have all my appointments in the calendar.
In the morning, a ding comes.
"Ding, ding.
" I plan my day.
"Ding, ding.
" I see what I have to do.
There was no "ding, ding" today.
That's 'cause you got a new iPad.
You have to transfer over your appointments.
Why don't the dings transfer automatically? "Dings" is not a term.
You got to stop saying "dings.
" The appointments don't transfer automatically.
You have to transfer them yourself.
I've been calling you to set it up.
You never call me back.
Now Dr.
Ramusami probably wandering around Penn Station eating pretzels.
Okay, you don't know that he's eating pretzels.
Also, that's an adorable worst-case scenario for someone lost alone in New York.
I have to go and pick him up.
Could you please fix up this iPad for me? [sighs.]
Can I just do it later? I'm going to see this X-Men movie.
I don't want to miss the trailers.
I got to go.
I'm not your personal computer guy.
[man singing in Tamil.]
[making excited noises.]
Whee! [making excited noises.]
What is that? It's my abacus! Give it to me.
I think it's broken.
No, it works fine.
No, it's definitely broken.
Let me try and fix it.
[laughs.]
Po-da! Aww, man Dad, I want to study in medical college and become a doctor.
Ramesh, we don't have money for that.
Work in the factory for a few years.
Then we'll see about all of that.
[soul music.]
And over here, the examination rooms.
So that's the basic go-around of the facility.
[speaking slowly.]
Do you understand everything? Yeah.
So someone said when the new doctor comes to town, you usually take the family to the steak house.
Is that tonight? Should I get my wife? Uh, no.
There is no dinner.
You can just go to the cafeteria and eat.
-Your eyes are closed? -Yes.
-They're closed? -Yes.
Now open them! [gasps.]
A computer! Whoa.
Thanks, Dad.
Can I just do it later? I got to see this X-Men movie, and I don't want to miss the trailers.
I got to go.
I'm not your personal computer guy.
Okay.
[cell phone pings.]
Okay.
I think I'm gonna head out soon, Dad.
Did you read the Economist article I emailed you? Uh, no, I didn't get a chance to do that yet.
It exposes how farm subsidies are slowly leading us to a countrywide drought within ten years.
Sounds uplifting.
So I should go.
But it was good seeing you, Dad.
Before you go, can you run and get me a package of rice from the store? Sorry, I can't.
I'm supposed to meet a friend to see a movie, and I love answering those movie trivia questions they put up before the show, so I'm just gonna head out, I think.
[playful exotic music.]
Xiao jie! [woman singing in Mandarin.]
Toku.
Go get some rice.
Papa.
Go rinse the rice.
We want some meat at tonight's dinner.
Go get the chicken.
[speaking Mandarin.]
[solemn exotic music.]
Xiao jie.
Toku, if you go to America, you won't know anyone.
You won't have anything.
I will have opportunity there.
I will have a better life.
[classic rock music.]
Sorry, we just don't have any tables.
I think they don't want to seat us because we're Asian.
-Thank you for coming.
-Bye-bye.
Business is good.
Very good.
All our sacrifice is worth it.
He will have a better life.
Here, he will be able to do anything he wants.
Sorry, I can't.
I'm meeting a friend to see a movie, and I like answering those movie trivia questions they put up before the show, so I think I'm just gonna head out.
I understand.
Enjoy the film.
[funky music.]
I got to say, out of the 15 X-Men movies that I've seen, that was definitely top nine.
Yeah, there was, like, 30 heroes and 40 villains.
There are just too many people in these movies now.
[cell phone honks.]
Text from my dad: "Please come and fix my iPad.
Now it won't stop dinging.
" Does your dad always text you to fix stuff? I don't think my dad knows how to text.
He also hates talking in person.
He averages, like, three words a week.
Our dads are so weird.
I told my dad I got a callback on The Sickening Oh, the black virus movie? That's great.
Thank you.
I told him.
He's like, "Uh, okay.
Can you fix my iPad?" How about, "Hey, son, great work," or, "Hey, son, I'm proud of you"? I have I have never, ever heard my dad say the word "proud.
" It's always like, "That's it? So that's all you've done?" Like, if I went to the moon, he would honestly be like, "When are you going to Mars?" Yeah.
"Oh, Brian, you went to the moon? That's like graduating from community college.
When are you gonna graduate from Harvard, AKA, go to Pluto?" I just feel like Asian parents, they don't have the emotional reach to say they're proud or whatever.
Have you ever hung out with a white person's parents, though? -They are crazy nice.
-Yeah.
I had dinner once with my last girlfriend's mom, and by the end of that meal, she had hugged me more times than my family has hugged me in my entire life.
Yeah, dude, most white families, they'd be so psyched to adopt me.
[cell phone honks.]
Aw, shit.
Now my dad wants me to come have tea with him and his friend Dr.
Ramusami.
Can you go with me so I have an excuse to get out of there quickly? You want me to hang out with your dad and another old Indian dude? Uh, no.
It's nice out.
I'm gonna go hang out in the park and look at NBA trade rumors on my phone.
Come on, dude.
Be a bud.
Fine, but you you have to hang out with me at the networking mixer for Asian-American business professionals that my cousin James is hosting next weekend.
-All right, deal.
-Okay.
Brian, would you like to try some Indian snacks? Mysore pak, murukku, mirchi, omapodi.
How about some popadam? Uh, no, I'm good, but thank you.
How about some mini popadam? Sure, I'll take a mini So, Dev, how's the acting going? [Dev.]
It's going well.
I'm actually up for this movie, which is cool.
I've mostly been doing commercials, but recently I decided to try to get into more regular acting.
This was actually my first movie audition.
Well, if the first audition went well, that's very good.
Oh, thank you.
Please tell my dad.
He's wondering why I'm not starring in Iron Man already.
Iron Man movies are very good.
The guy is strong and funny, too.
So how did you get into the acting? This was something you always wanted to do? Not really.
I was just walking around in Washington Square Park one day, and this guy came up to me and said they were trying to find a minority for a Fruit by the Foot commercial, and I said yeah, and I got paid pretty well, so I just kept doing more commercials.
I fell into regular acting from that.
Very good.
You're making a good life.
At your age, your father had barely stopped working at the zipper factory.
Zipper factory? Yep, I worked in zipper factory for two years to get money to go to medical school.
You never told me about that.
[Ramusami.]
Yes, your father worked very hard.
You know the little tabs that go on the end of the zipper that you pull? He made the holes in them.
He was the best.
If he didn't come to America, you would probably be working in that same zipper factory now, making the holes.
[Brian.]
Instead, Dev lives in America, where his biggest problem is that the Wi-Fi in his apartment is messed up.
Hey, that's a serious issue.
Remember trying to watch that video of that guy who fell into his own wedding cake? That buffering took forever.
I've seen that video clip! Very funny! Brian, can you send me the link, please? Sure.
Why didn't you just ask me? I like Brian.
[upbeat exotic music playing.]
[cell phone pings.]
Hey, Mason says, "Happy Endings is poppin' off.
" His words.
Should we go? Yeah.
Man, that was pretty crazy, what my dad was talking about, working in a zipper factory.
I never knew that.
You know stuff about your dad's backstory? I mean, I know the big points.
He was poor.
He was in another country.
It was tough.
Then he came here.
I mean, you know, I got the gist of it.
Isn't that the gist of every immigrant's story, that it was hard? Shouldn't you care a little more, being that he's your dad? Yeah, but, again, he doesn't talk much.
I once found a photo of him in the military.
And he just goes, "Hard time," and then, like, walked into another room.
It's pretty crazy.
All of us first-generation kids, we have these amazing lives, and it's all 'cause our parents made these crazy sacrifices.
And we never thank them.
Like, we do nothing to thank them.
Shouldn't we do something? Yeah, like a gift or something? I mean, what would I get my dad for a gift? He doesn't really have any interests.
I mean, he likes drinking water, staying hydrated.
I could get him a gallon of water as a gift.
Is there such a thing as a "water of the month" club? Hey, what if we took them out to a nice dinner and learned more about their lives and just said thank you? Yeah.
I mean, sure.
I bet my dad will be in.
'Cause you know what he's gonna be able to drink with his dinner? Water.
[cell phone honks.]
Hello? [casting woman.]
Hey, Dev.
The director is not going to be able to fly in tomorrow.
He really liked your read, though, and wanted to know if you could read now via Skype.
Oh, um, well, the Wi-Fi in my apartment is really shoddy.
Is there any way we could do it in a couple hours? I can maybe go to a friend's place or something.
Ooh, their time is pretty tight.
Can you find someplace else to go quickly? Uh, yeah.
Let me grab my computer, and I'll figure something out.
I'll call you back in, like, 15 minutes, all right? Thanks.
[sighs.]
Hey, can you guys hear me okay? Yes, we can, Dev.
You're gonna read scene 22, part of Dr.
Vincent.
Uh, yeah, okay.
If my calculations are correct, the sickening could infect one billion people in the next 12 hours.
My God.
Wait.
One of the samples It's missing.
Oh, God.
The vial.
It's been compromised.
Dr.
Vincent, the pathogen, it's airborne.
The sickening! It's happening! Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, 'cause this is where the sickening first takes hold, so I need you to play that up.
Are you sitting down? Why don't you get up out of your chair? Act like it's all taking over your body.
The sickening! It's happening! The virus, it's eating my flesh! My eyes are on fire! [screaming.]
What is happening in the lab? The room, it's contaminated! The virus is gonna kill us all! Everyone get the fuck out of here now! Get out now! Wait! Wait! It's too late! Lock the fucking doors! Stay in here! We got to sacrifice ourselves in order to stop the virus from spreading! -No! -Sir.
You can't do whatever it is you're doing here.
You need to leave.
I'm just doing an audition.
Can I just finish the audition? It's almost done.
Yeah It's almost done.
-All right? Okay? -Mm-hmm.
Sorry, guys.
I'll just pick it up from there.
Holy fucking shit! No! And I'm done.
Thank you.
All right, thanks, Dev.
That was great.
We'll be in touch.
Why the fuck is he in a coffee shop? Jesus Christ, is he homeless? Um, the video feed's still live.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
All good.
Guys, thank you so much for coming.
Brian and I just wanted to take you to a nice dinner to say thank you.
You worked very hard.
You came to this country.
You gave us a better life, and we've never really shown our appreciation.
So, uh to our parents.
Excuse me, sir.
Can we order the chicken with broccoli, please? Sorry this man is ordering chicken with broccoli.
Please bring the good dishes you only serve to Chinese people.
Of course.
I can't believe they think that's what we eat in Taiwan.
Can you imagine? What is this super special spicy Szechuan chicken? Ramesh, why are you looking at that? You don't even eat spicy food.
It is super special.
Must be good.
Dev, did you bring those photos from our New Zealand trip? Uh-oh.
I forget them.
Sorry.
You know, he takes a lot of photos with his camera, and we never get to see them.
I took a bunch of photos with my iPad.
No.
You just took one long video.
Hey, that is the whole trip, man.
You see everything.
Ma, why are you just eating white rice? I like to eat whatever I want to eat.
Do I tell you what to eat? I don't even like Chinese food.
Well, why didn't you say something? We didn't have to come here.
We could have gone somewhere else.
I like this place.
I took Mom once.
She didn't eat anything, though.
Yeah, because she doesn't like Chinese food.
I like it.
It's great.
Another reason that we wanted to take you guys out was to learn more about you and how you got here.
Dad, do you have any stories you care to share? I cannot think of anything noteworthy.
Uh, come on.
There's got to be something, right? Like Well, what did you do when you were growing up in Taiwan? I worked very hard.
Okay.
Did anything particularly interesting happen? No.
Well, what about you guys? What did you do when you were our age here in New York? I just worked and took care of you and your father.
What about for fun? Po-da.
We didn't do anything for fun.
You realize fun is a new thing, right? Fun is a luxury only your generation really has.
What about when you were a kid? What did you do for fun then? Whee! [speaking Tamil.]
Daddy! Look at this guitar! Can we buy it? That's nonsense.
Do you want a beating? We don't have time for that.
[man singing in Tamil.]
Hey, man, look.
I got you a guitar.
[strums guitar.]
Dad, I'm playing my game.
Whoa.
You had all the toys.
We used to take you to soccer team, guitar lesson, Nintendo.
I simply studied, played outside, ate some rice, and went to bed.
Ma, what about your first day in America? That must have been pretty exciting.
No, I just got dropped off from the airport, and your father went to work.
I didn't know nobody, and I barely knew your father.
We had an arranged marriage.
And I knew him only for a week or so.
What about that first day, though? Did you go out and explore the city? No, I sat on the couch and cried.
Well, that's really sad.
[speaking Tamil.]
You asked! Well, is there anything else you remember? Yeah, I was scared to answer the telephone because nobody would understand me because of my accent.
I was scared of answering the phone, too.
They yell so much.
"What?" "Huh?" I just got to this country.
Why are they so mad? That's messed up.
Your English is good.
Are there any other stories that you remember from when you first got here or from your childhood? You ate your pet chicken? Yes.
Hey, do you have any more pet chicken you can kill? I've been waiting here for 45 minutes.
Where is my chicken with broccoli, man? [laughter.]
Once, when Brian was younger, we were at a restaurant, and they brought a plate of desserts for us to look at.
Brian grabbed a piece of chocolate cake and put it all over his face.
To be clear, I was seven, so "Oh, yum!" [laughter.]
-I took Dev one time to Pizza Hut.
-Uh-huh.
This girl bullying him.
She pushed him into the ball pit.
He said, "Daddy! Wendy pushing me!" Hey, that girl got held back a grade.
She was huge.
[laughter.]
This is fun.
I am having fun.
That was great the other night, man.
I never heard any of that shit.
Like, what an insane journey.
My dad used to bathe in a river, and now he drives a car that talks to him.
So crazy to think that every immigrant's story is probably that insane.
I'm just glad we did it.
Like, I can't believe there's a universe where I wouldn't know that my dad had a water buffalo named Ting Ting.
Yeah, or that my mom had a friend named Kunjilikaka.
What a great name.
[cell phone honks.]
Oh, damn.
Are you on this text chain with all the parents? Is my dad on there? I guess so.
They must have exchanged numbers after that dinner.
Why am I not on there? Looks like there's another Brian on here.
Brian Donkers.
Someone must have screwed up.
They all want to have dinner again tonight.
My dad: "Let's chow down at Mr.
Chow's.
" Your dad: "This sounds fun.
I would attend this event.
" Wait.
What? What is going on right now? We can't have dinner with them again.
I'm not trying to hang out with Peter Chang on the regs.
No, I just wanted to do one dinner.
I don't want, like, a serious relationship with my father.
-Tell them we can't go.
-All right.
"Sorry, Brian and I already have plans.
" [cell phone honks.]
Peter Chang: "Dev, don't worry.
Wendy the bully won't be there.
Ha ha.
" Oh, damn.
Peter Chang coming hard with the snaps.
[cell phone honks.]
Brian Donkers: "I'm in!" [cell phone honks.]
I am so sorry about that weird Skype audition.
If there's any way I can read again, I know I can do better.
I agree, which is why I brought you in today for a session with the studio.
Great.
But here's the thing: we just went with another actor to play Dr.
Vincent.
Huh? His agent called literally ten minutes ago to close his deal, and, you know, rather than having you audition and waste everybody's time, I just figured I would tell you the truth.
But now I'm starting to regret that decision.
Well, whatever.
It's fine.
I wasn't doing anything anyway.
Guess I'll just head out.
Grab a water.
Uh, that's really more for people to have a drink while they're waiting.
It's not really a to-go situation.
Are you fucking serious? It's not for people to just take it and go.
This isn't New Orleans.
[cell phone rings.]
Hello.
Hey, Dad.
What's going on? I just took Dr.
Ramusami to the train station.
What's up with you, man? Nothing much.
Is everything okay? I just met with those movie people, and I'm not gonna get that part.
It's okay.
Me and Mom were watching your Go-Gurt commercial.
You did a good job, man.
Did you show the YouTube to them? No, you don't usually show YouTube clips at auditions.
But thank you.
Well, it's okay.
You will get into the next one.
All right, talk to you later.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
[Dev.]
Eyes are closed, right? -Yep.
-Yep.
All right, open them.
Surprise! Ooh.
-Got you a gift.
-Very nice.
Yeah, you said Thatha wouldn't get you a guitar, so I got you one.
And I got you a month of lessons too.
Thank you, Dev.
You get a hug for that.
Thank you.
No gift for me? [Dev.]
Yup, I got you something, too.
Photo.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Thank you so much.
I love you.
I love you, too.
All right, where should we go eat? Mr.
Chow's.
Ramesh, get out of here.
You know I don't like Chinese food.
You want to just cook some food at home? Yeah, let me make some korma.
You sure you don't want to go for a nice dinner? No, you don't need to take us out for any fancy dinner.
Just call us once a week.
That would be good.
All right, here, give me the iPad.
Sorry, Mr.
Chow We are not coming To your restaurant today Stop that.
[cheerful music.]
You're right, Dad.
We're pretty screwed.
[chuckles.]
I told you.
Hey.
The guy from the guitar place said you canceled the rest of your lessons.
Yeah, I tried it.
I didn't like it that much.
My fingers hurt when I held the strings.
What about your sad story about how when you were a kid in India, Thatha wouldn't get you a guitar? I don't know.
Leave me alone.
Let me play my computer games, man.
[making excited noises.]
Whee! [funky rock music.]
I just came back from a meeting with the world's top scientists.
They're all dead.
The virus, it got them all.
I was able to obtain a sample, but it's not in the vial.
It's in my blood.
Dr.
Vincent, if it's in your blood, then that means the virus My God.
Yes.
The sickening has begun.
Thank you, Ben.
Wow.
Wow.
Very powerful stuff, Dev.
That pause you took after "the sickening" was phenomenal.
Amazing pause one of the best pauses we've heard all day.
Yeah, thank you so much for coming in.
Thank you for your time.
Ohh! That's another pause.
That was great.
Now, our director's flying in next week.
I definitely want to bring you in for a session with him.
My office will be in touch.
Oh, that's great.
Is there any word on who the leads of the film might be? Between us, they're close on Colin Salmon and Kerry Washington.
And it looks like we're going with 50 Cent as the evil senator who looks the other way.
Ooh.
So is this, like, a black virus movie? Yes, that's exactly what it is.
Hey, so I got a callback on that black virus movie.
Could be cool.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
What? What's wrong? Ooh.
I just realized my calendar is not updating.
Dr.
Ramusami is visiting.
I forgot to pick him up in the train station.
Uh-oh.
That's cold.
Friend's visiting you all the way from India, seems like you should pick him up.
I have all my appointments in the calendar.
In the morning, a ding comes.
"Ding, ding.
" I plan my day.
"Ding, ding.
" I see what I have to do.
There was no "ding, ding" today.
That's 'cause you got a new iPad.
You have to transfer over your appointments.
Why don't the dings transfer automatically? "Dings" is not a term.
You got to stop saying "dings.
" The appointments don't transfer automatically.
You have to transfer them yourself.
I've been calling you to set it up.
You never call me back.
Now Dr.
Ramusami probably wandering around Penn Station eating pretzels.
Okay, you don't know that he's eating pretzels.
Also, that's an adorable worst-case scenario for someone lost alone in New York.
I have to go and pick him up.
Could you please fix up this iPad for me? [sighs.]
Can I just do it later? I'm going to see this X-Men movie.
I don't want to miss the trailers.
I got to go.
I'm not your personal computer guy.
[man singing in Tamil.]
[making excited noises.]
Whee! [making excited noises.]
What is that? It's my abacus! Give it to me.
I think it's broken.
No, it works fine.
No, it's definitely broken.
Let me try and fix it.
[laughs.]
Po-da! Aww, man Dad, I want to study in medical college and become a doctor.
Ramesh, we don't have money for that.
Work in the factory for a few years.
Then we'll see about all of that.
[soul music.]
And over here, the examination rooms.
So that's the basic go-around of the facility.
[speaking slowly.]
Do you understand everything? Yeah.
So someone said when the new doctor comes to town, you usually take the family to the steak house.
Is that tonight? Should I get my wife? Uh, no.
There is no dinner.
You can just go to the cafeteria and eat.
-Your eyes are closed? -Yes.
-They're closed? -Yes.
Now open them! [gasps.]
A computer! Whoa.
Thanks, Dad.
Can I just do it later? I got to see this X-Men movie, and I don't want to miss the trailers.
I got to go.
I'm not your personal computer guy.
Okay.
[cell phone pings.]
Okay.
I think I'm gonna head out soon, Dad.
Did you read the Economist article I emailed you? Uh, no, I didn't get a chance to do that yet.
It exposes how farm subsidies are slowly leading us to a countrywide drought within ten years.
Sounds uplifting.
So I should go.
But it was good seeing you, Dad.
Before you go, can you run and get me a package of rice from the store? Sorry, I can't.
I'm supposed to meet a friend to see a movie, and I love answering those movie trivia questions they put up before the show, so I'm just gonna head out, I think.
[playful exotic music.]
Xiao jie! [woman singing in Mandarin.]
Toku.
Go get some rice.
Papa.
Go rinse the rice.
We want some meat at tonight's dinner.
Go get the chicken.
[speaking Mandarin.]
[solemn exotic music.]
Xiao jie.
Toku, if you go to America, you won't know anyone.
You won't have anything.
I will have opportunity there.
I will have a better life.
[classic rock music.]
Sorry, we just don't have any tables.
I think they don't want to seat us because we're Asian.
-Thank you for coming.
-Bye-bye.
Business is good.
Very good.
All our sacrifice is worth it.
He will have a better life.
Here, he will be able to do anything he wants.
Sorry, I can't.
I'm meeting a friend to see a movie, and I like answering those movie trivia questions they put up before the show, so I think I'm just gonna head out.
I understand.
Enjoy the film.
[funky music.]
I got to say, out of the 15 X-Men movies that I've seen, that was definitely top nine.
Yeah, there was, like, 30 heroes and 40 villains.
There are just too many people in these movies now.
[cell phone honks.]
Text from my dad: "Please come and fix my iPad.
Now it won't stop dinging.
" Does your dad always text you to fix stuff? I don't think my dad knows how to text.
He also hates talking in person.
He averages, like, three words a week.
Our dads are so weird.
I told my dad I got a callback on The Sickening Oh, the black virus movie? That's great.
Thank you.
I told him.
He's like, "Uh, okay.
Can you fix my iPad?" How about, "Hey, son, great work," or, "Hey, son, I'm proud of you"? I have I have never, ever heard my dad say the word "proud.
" It's always like, "That's it? So that's all you've done?" Like, if I went to the moon, he would honestly be like, "When are you going to Mars?" Yeah.
"Oh, Brian, you went to the moon? That's like graduating from community college.
When are you gonna graduate from Harvard, AKA, go to Pluto?" I just feel like Asian parents, they don't have the emotional reach to say they're proud or whatever.
Have you ever hung out with a white person's parents, though? -They are crazy nice.
-Yeah.
I had dinner once with my last girlfriend's mom, and by the end of that meal, she had hugged me more times than my family has hugged me in my entire life.
Yeah, dude, most white families, they'd be so psyched to adopt me.
[cell phone honks.]
Aw, shit.
Now my dad wants me to come have tea with him and his friend Dr.
Ramusami.
Can you go with me so I have an excuse to get out of there quickly? You want me to hang out with your dad and another old Indian dude? Uh, no.
It's nice out.
I'm gonna go hang out in the park and look at NBA trade rumors on my phone.
Come on, dude.
Be a bud.
Fine, but you you have to hang out with me at the networking mixer for Asian-American business professionals that my cousin James is hosting next weekend.
-All right, deal.
-Okay.
Brian, would you like to try some Indian snacks? Mysore pak, murukku, mirchi, omapodi.
How about some popadam? Uh, no, I'm good, but thank you.
How about some mini popadam? Sure, I'll take a mini So, Dev, how's the acting going? [Dev.]
It's going well.
I'm actually up for this movie, which is cool.
I've mostly been doing commercials, but recently I decided to try to get into more regular acting.
This was actually my first movie audition.
Well, if the first audition went well, that's very good.
Oh, thank you.
Please tell my dad.
He's wondering why I'm not starring in Iron Man already.
Iron Man movies are very good.
The guy is strong and funny, too.
So how did you get into the acting? This was something you always wanted to do? Not really.
I was just walking around in Washington Square Park one day, and this guy came up to me and said they were trying to find a minority for a Fruit by the Foot commercial, and I said yeah, and I got paid pretty well, so I just kept doing more commercials.
I fell into regular acting from that.
Very good.
You're making a good life.
At your age, your father had barely stopped working at the zipper factory.
Zipper factory? Yep, I worked in zipper factory for two years to get money to go to medical school.
You never told me about that.
[Ramusami.]
Yes, your father worked very hard.
You know the little tabs that go on the end of the zipper that you pull? He made the holes in them.
He was the best.
If he didn't come to America, you would probably be working in that same zipper factory now, making the holes.
[Brian.]
Instead, Dev lives in America, where his biggest problem is that the Wi-Fi in his apartment is messed up.
Hey, that's a serious issue.
Remember trying to watch that video of that guy who fell into his own wedding cake? That buffering took forever.
I've seen that video clip! Very funny! Brian, can you send me the link, please? Sure.
Why didn't you just ask me? I like Brian.
[upbeat exotic music playing.]
[cell phone pings.]
Hey, Mason says, "Happy Endings is poppin' off.
" His words.
Should we go? Yeah.
Man, that was pretty crazy, what my dad was talking about, working in a zipper factory.
I never knew that.
You know stuff about your dad's backstory? I mean, I know the big points.
He was poor.
He was in another country.
It was tough.
Then he came here.
I mean, you know, I got the gist of it.
Isn't that the gist of every immigrant's story, that it was hard? Shouldn't you care a little more, being that he's your dad? Yeah, but, again, he doesn't talk much.
I once found a photo of him in the military.
And he just goes, "Hard time," and then, like, walked into another room.
It's pretty crazy.
All of us first-generation kids, we have these amazing lives, and it's all 'cause our parents made these crazy sacrifices.
And we never thank them.
Like, we do nothing to thank them.
Shouldn't we do something? Yeah, like a gift or something? I mean, what would I get my dad for a gift? He doesn't really have any interests.
I mean, he likes drinking water, staying hydrated.
I could get him a gallon of water as a gift.
Is there such a thing as a "water of the month" club? Hey, what if we took them out to a nice dinner and learned more about their lives and just said thank you? Yeah.
I mean, sure.
I bet my dad will be in.
'Cause you know what he's gonna be able to drink with his dinner? Water.
[cell phone honks.]
Hello? [casting woman.]
Hey, Dev.
The director is not going to be able to fly in tomorrow.
He really liked your read, though, and wanted to know if you could read now via Skype.
Oh, um, well, the Wi-Fi in my apartment is really shoddy.
Is there any way we could do it in a couple hours? I can maybe go to a friend's place or something.
Ooh, their time is pretty tight.
Can you find someplace else to go quickly? Uh, yeah.
Let me grab my computer, and I'll figure something out.
I'll call you back in, like, 15 minutes, all right? Thanks.
[sighs.]
Hey, can you guys hear me okay? Yes, we can, Dev.
You're gonna read scene 22, part of Dr.
Vincent.
Uh, yeah, okay.
If my calculations are correct, the sickening could infect one billion people in the next 12 hours.
My God.
Wait.
One of the samples It's missing.
Oh, God.
The vial.
It's been compromised.
Dr.
Vincent, the pathogen, it's airborne.
The sickening! It's happening! Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, 'cause this is where the sickening first takes hold, so I need you to play that up.
Are you sitting down? Why don't you get up out of your chair? Act like it's all taking over your body.
The sickening! It's happening! The virus, it's eating my flesh! My eyes are on fire! [screaming.]
What is happening in the lab? The room, it's contaminated! The virus is gonna kill us all! Everyone get the fuck out of here now! Get out now! Wait! Wait! It's too late! Lock the fucking doors! Stay in here! We got to sacrifice ourselves in order to stop the virus from spreading! -No! -Sir.
You can't do whatever it is you're doing here.
You need to leave.
I'm just doing an audition.
Can I just finish the audition? It's almost done.
Yeah It's almost done.
-All right? Okay? -Mm-hmm.
Sorry, guys.
I'll just pick it up from there.
Holy fucking shit! No! And I'm done.
Thank you.
All right, thanks, Dev.
That was great.
We'll be in touch.
Why the fuck is he in a coffee shop? Jesus Christ, is he homeless? Um, the video feed's still live.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
All good.
Guys, thank you so much for coming.
Brian and I just wanted to take you to a nice dinner to say thank you.
You worked very hard.
You came to this country.
You gave us a better life, and we've never really shown our appreciation.
So, uh to our parents.
Excuse me, sir.
Can we order the chicken with broccoli, please? Sorry this man is ordering chicken with broccoli.
Please bring the good dishes you only serve to Chinese people.
Of course.
I can't believe they think that's what we eat in Taiwan.
Can you imagine? What is this super special spicy Szechuan chicken? Ramesh, why are you looking at that? You don't even eat spicy food.
It is super special.
Must be good.
Dev, did you bring those photos from our New Zealand trip? Uh-oh.
I forget them.
Sorry.
You know, he takes a lot of photos with his camera, and we never get to see them.
I took a bunch of photos with my iPad.
No.
You just took one long video.
Hey, that is the whole trip, man.
You see everything.
Ma, why are you just eating white rice? I like to eat whatever I want to eat.
Do I tell you what to eat? I don't even like Chinese food.
Well, why didn't you say something? We didn't have to come here.
We could have gone somewhere else.
I like this place.
I took Mom once.
She didn't eat anything, though.
Yeah, because she doesn't like Chinese food.
I like it.
It's great.
Another reason that we wanted to take you guys out was to learn more about you and how you got here.
Dad, do you have any stories you care to share? I cannot think of anything noteworthy.
Uh, come on.
There's got to be something, right? Like Well, what did you do when you were growing up in Taiwan? I worked very hard.
Okay.
Did anything particularly interesting happen? No.
Well, what about you guys? What did you do when you were our age here in New York? I just worked and took care of you and your father.
What about for fun? Po-da.
We didn't do anything for fun.
You realize fun is a new thing, right? Fun is a luxury only your generation really has.
What about when you were a kid? What did you do for fun then? Whee! [speaking Tamil.]
Daddy! Look at this guitar! Can we buy it? That's nonsense.
Do you want a beating? We don't have time for that.
[man singing in Tamil.]
Hey, man, look.
I got you a guitar.
[strums guitar.]
Dad, I'm playing my game.
Whoa.
You had all the toys.
We used to take you to soccer team, guitar lesson, Nintendo.
I simply studied, played outside, ate some rice, and went to bed.
Ma, what about your first day in America? That must have been pretty exciting.
No, I just got dropped off from the airport, and your father went to work.
I didn't know nobody, and I barely knew your father.
We had an arranged marriage.
And I knew him only for a week or so.
What about that first day, though? Did you go out and explore the city? No, I sat on the couch and cried.
Well, that's really sad.
[speaking Tamil.]
You asked! Well, is there anything else you remember? Yeah, I was scared to answer the telephone because nobody would understand me because of my accent.
I was scared of answering the phone, too.
They yell so much.
"What?" "Huh?" I just got to this country.
Why are they so mad? That's messed up.
Your English is good.
Are there any other stories that you remember from when you first got here or from your childhood? You ate your pet chicken? Yes.
Hey, do you have any more pet chicken you can kill? I've been waiting here for 45 minutes.
Where is my chicken with broccoli, man? [laughter.]
Once, when Brian was younger, we were at a restaurant, and they brought a plate of desserts for us to look at.
Brian grabbed a piece of chocolate cake and put it all over his face.
To be clear, I was seven, so "Oh, yum!" [laughter.]
-I took Dev one time to Pizza Hut.
-Uh-huh.
This girl bullying him.
She pushed him into the ball pit.
He said, "Daddy! Wendy pushing me!" Hey, that girl got held back a grade.
She was huge.
[laughter.]
This is fun.
I am having fun.
That was great the other night, man.
I never heard any of that shit.
Like, what an insane journey.
My dad used to bathe in a river, and now he drives a car that talks to him.
So crazy to think that every immigrant's story is probably that insane.
I'm just glad we did it.
Like, I can't believe there's a universe where I wouldn't know that my dad had a water buffalo named Ting Ting.
Yeah, or that my mom had a friend named Kunjilikaka.
What a great name.
[cell phone honks.]
Oh, damn.
Are you on this text chain with all the parents? Is my dad on there? I guess so.
They must have exchanged numbers after that dinner.
Why am I not on there? Looks like there's another Brian on here.
Brian Donkers.
Someone must have screwed up.
They all want to have dinner again tonight.
My dad: "Let's chow down at Mr.
Chow's.
" Your dad: "This sounds fun.
I would attend this event.
" Wait.
What? What is going on right now? We can't have dinner with them again.
I'm not trying to hang out with Peter Chang on the regs.
No, I just wanted to do one dinner.
I don't want, like, a serious relationship with my father.
-Tell them we can't go.
-All right.
"Sorry, Brian and I already have plans.
" [cell phone honks.]
Peter Chang: "Dev, don't worry.
Wendy the bully won't be there.
Ha ha.
" Oh, damn.
Peter Chang coming hard with the snaps.
[cell phone honks.]
Brian Donkers: "I'm in!" [cell phone honks.]
I am so sorry about that weird Skype audition.
If there's any way I can read again, I know I can do better.
I agree, which is why I brought you in today for a session with the studio.
Great.
But here's the thing: we just went with another actor to play Dr.
Vincent.
Huh? His agent called literally ten minutes ago to close his deal, and, you know, rather than having you audition and waste everybody's time, I just figured I would tell you the truth.
But now I'm starting to regret that decision.
Well, whatever.
It's fine.
I wasn't doing anything anyway.
Guess I'll just head out.
Grab a water.
Uh, that's really more for people to have a drink while they're waiting.
It's not really a to-go situation.
Are you fucking serious? It's not for people to just take it and go.
This isn't New Orleans.
[cell phone rings.]
Hello.
Hey, Dad.
What's going on? I just took Dr.
Ramusami to the train station.
What's up with you, man? Nothing much.
Is everything okay? I just met with those movie people, and I'm not gonna get that part.
It's okay.
Me and Mom were watching your Go-Gurt commercial.
You did a good job, man.
Did you show the YouTube to them? No, you don't usually show YouTube clips at auditions.
But thank you.
Well, it's okay.
You will get into the next one.
All right, talk to you later.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
[Dev.]
Eyes are closed, right? -Yep.
-Yep.
All right, open them.
Surprise! Ooh.
-Got you a gift.
-Very nice.
Yeah, you said Thatha wouldn't get you a guitar, so I got you one.
And I got you a month of lessons too.
Thank you, Dev.
You get a hug for that.
Thank you.
No gift for me? [Dev.]
Yup, I got you something, too.
Photo.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Thank you so much.
I love you.
I love you, too.
All right, where should we go eat? Mr.
Chow's.
Ramesh, get out of here.
You know I don't like Chinese food.
You want to just cook some food at home? Yeah, let me make some korma.
You sure you don't want to go for a nice dinner? No, you don't need to take us out for any fancy dinner.
Just call us once a week.
That would be good.
All right, here, give me the iPad.
Sorry, Mr.
Chow We are not coming To your restaurant today Stop that.
[cheerful music.]
You're right, Dad.
We're pretty screwed.
[chuckles.]
I told you.
Hey.
The guy from the guitar place said you canceled the rest of your lessons.
Yeah, I tried it.
I didn't like it that much.
My fingers hurt when I held the strings.
What about your sad story about how when you were a kid in India, Thatha wouldn't get you a guitar? I don't know.
Leave me alone.
Let me play my computer games, man.
[making excited noises.]
Whee! [funky rock music.]