Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 My name is Alex Riley, and this is the story of my life.
Like any life, mine's had its good days - [laughing.]
- its bad days Sarah! [sofa creaking.]
and its absolutely amazing days.
[upbeat music.]
- Welcome! - Hey, Dad.
- Do you like your new house? - Yeah.
And to me, that's what life's all about: moving forward, despite the occasional hiccup.
- Whoo! - Hey, honey.
You know that pilot I've been seeing? - The one from LA? - What about him? He asked me to marry him.
Hiccups are easy to overcome.
Know what aren't? Chokes.
[choking.]
- He's choking.
- You're telling me.
No, he's literally choking.
- [choking.]
- Little bro! [coughs.]
[crowd gasps.]
Looks like I blew my chance to kiss the girl of my dreams, right? Wrong.
Alex? Nori.
I'll admit, there are days when it's a challenge to get out there and face the world.
But as the Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu wrote, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
" Or, in some cases, a single roll.
Ah! [sighs.]
Bad news.
Little bro has a 104 fever.
- No, I don't.
- Really? Then how do you explain this? 104.
You've been running it under hot water all morning.
Be that as it may, we should probably keep you home just to be on the safe side.
He's got a point.
Frail kids like Alex are much more susceptible to illness and disease.
First of all, not frail.
Second of all, not sick.
Justin only wants me to stay at home 'cause he thinks kids are gonna be mean to me at lunch.
This is middle school.
Your entire social status is determined by where you sit in the cafeteria.
And with the "mint-cident" still fresh, Chokey here is gonna have a hard time finding a table.
Well, why can't he sit with you? We have different lunch periods, so I won't be there to help.
I don't need your help.
You know, when I was your age, the cafeteria was a place where the weak and defenseless were mercilessly preyed upon like gazelles at a watering hole.
And believe me, we were merciless.
Look, there's nothing to worry about, okay? I'll be fine.
Well, just in case you decide to skip lunch, let's make sure you have some extra oatmeal.
That's okay.
I'll just grab a waffle.
You've had waffles for every breakfast this week.
That's 'cause they're the best food in the world.
Aren't you sick of them? Are you kidding? I could eat waffles for every meal.
[sniffs.]
I could eat waffles for every meal.
Not me.
I'm more of a pancake man.
Which is literally the only thing I don't like about you.
Hey, what do you say we take the girls to Corky's tonight and settle the old waffle/pancake debate once and for all? You're pitching me a waffle dinner while eating a waffle breakfast? I may have a problem.
And anyways, you and I have plans tonight.
Plans? The Japanese guys who bought your invention invited us out for drinks to celebrate the deal before they head back.
Oh, I don't want to do that.
I don't care what you want to do.
It'll be good for you to get out of my garage.
Come on, I get out.
Really? Name one place.
Besides Corky's, my kitchen, or one of Abby's eight-year-old friend's birthday parties.
Fine.
We'll go out tonight.
Going out? Where to, Corky's? No.
No, not Corky's.
Darryl and I are celebrating a special occasion.
What's the special occasion? Oh, my first official date with Eleanor.
Candlelight, the good plates.
you're really going all out.
Yeah, when you've waited your entire life to be with your one true love, why hold back? Okay, Dad, slow your roll.
Let's not go using the L word quite yet.
Yes, you know what? You're right.
I probably shouldn't tell Eleanor I love her until we've finished our appetizers.
[chuckles.]
Oh, come on, I'm kidding.
No, you're not.
Dad, I know how your mind works.
You get so enthusiastic about something that you immediately picture it way in the future.
That's great for an inventor.
But when it comes to women, it's - Off-putting? - I was gonna say insane.
Abby, you're worried over nothing.
I'll be cool.
I mean, it's not like I've done nothing but think about it since I was 14 years old.
["There She Goes" by The La's.]
There she goes There she goes again Racing through my brain [clanking.]
- Locker troubles? - Yeah.
Allow me.
The Alex Riley Locker Opener 5000, patent pending.
Wow.
Thanks, Alex.
Whoa.
Is that your boyfriend? Yeah, I was kind of mad at him when I did that.
Why? I mean, what did he do? It's more like what he doesn't do.
Like officially call me his girlfriend.
Think I should break up with him? Look, that's your call.
I just think you should be with someone who totally wants to be with you and can't stop thinking about you and when they see you, it's like time stands still.
Do you really think there's someone out there for me like that? I'm positive.
[happy music.]
[bell rings.]
- I should get going.
- What do you have now? Lunch.
You're gonna sit with Justin, right? No, he's got math.
Is is that okay? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you'll be fine.
[foreboding music.]
Ah.
Another round? Shouldn't we wait for Hideki and the guys? Well, in Japanese culture, when your guests are late, it's considered an insult to not drink.
I don't think that's a thing.
Well, it's also traditional while you wait to buy the cutest girl next to you a cocktail.
How about her? [club music playing.]
They were never coming, were they? What are you suggesting? That you used the Japanese businessmen as a ruse to get me out of my garage in the hopes that I would meet some random lady who would have sex with me for the first time since my divorce.
Yeah, that's pretty much the plan.
Yeah.
Dude, I appreciate it, but this really isn't my scene.
Also, aren't we a little old for this? Yeah, I'll admit, I'm off my game after 15 years of marriage.
You know, I only found this place by Googling "how to get laid in Los Angeles.
" [laughs.]
So should we just go home? Hell no.
Okay, we are not too old to crush a night out on the town.
I know just the place.
Thank you.
[chuckles.]
Better, huh? When you're right, you're right.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, man.
I know I gotta get back out there, but I've just always been a believer in fate with this kind of stuff, you know? When you're supposed to meet someone, fate will tell you.
That's what you said when you met Sarah.
Yeah, well, sometimes fate can be a real dick.
Yeah, I'll just have an order of waffles, please.
[chuckles softly.]
Looks like we're in the night waffles section.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
Yeah, looks like it.
I'd have waffles for every meal if I could.
[happy music.]
I'm Alex.
- Lauren.
- Hi.
Thought you had a math test this period.
What's more important, a math test or making sure my little bro sits at the right table - at lunch? - A math test.
It's not really close.
Look, I'll go as soon as we get you settled.
- [students laughing.]
- How about over there? Are you kidding? That's the Ramp.
Only the coolest of the cool kids sit on the Ramp.
But two of those tables are completely empty.
That's where the cool kids keep their book bags.
The further away from the Ramp you sit, the less popular you are.
This is my table in the middle right here.
Fine, works for me.
Wait, you can't just walk up to a table and take a seat.
Come on, it's just a chair.
Hey, mind if I Keep it moving, Chokey.
Kids at this school are mean.
Yeah.
Wow, this lunch period's even more crowded than mine.
- You can sit with us.
- Great, thanks.
Dude, you can't sit there.
- Why? - That's the Table of No Return.
There's Shart, Nose Puke, Waldo he wore a red-striped shirt once and the biggest loser of them all, One-Nut.
What's up, One-Nut? You may be Chokey now, but someday you're gonna get past that.
For these kids, it's too late.
But they're the only ones who offered me a seat.
Believe me, you're better off sitting over there by yourself.
Over there? But there's no table.
I promise, little B, just do what I say, and someday you'll be eating lunch at an actual table.
[sighs.]
[sad music.]
["There She Goes" by The La's.]
There she goes - Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, sorry.
I was just enthralled with your, uh, um, necklace.
Please.
Is that, um, amethyst? Yes.
And I wore it especially for you.
- Did you, now? - Well, I remember that you had quite a thing for the Chicago Bulls.
- And this is - Ha-ha, Lakers colors.
You ready to go grab a bite? Actually I thought we would, um stay in.
[snaps fingers.]
["Me, Myself and I" by Billie Holiday playing.]
I thought that we were just gonna have a casual dinner and catch up.
[chuckles.]
My daughter warned me about going too fast too soon, but at our age, what's the point, huh? Well, Alex, I have something that I need to tell you.
Really? Because there's something I've been wanting to tell you.
I think I should say mine first.
Eleanor, I want this.
No more regrets, no more what-ifs, no more words left unsaid.
You are the woman for me, and you need to know that.
I have a boyfriend.
- [snaps fingers.]
- [music stops.]
Daddy, wanna play Horse? Aww, I'd love to, sweetie, but I'm running a little late.
I'm going out tonight.
Twice in one week? I know, right? Believe it or not, Daddy has a date.
Her name is Lauren, and, uh, we met at Corky's, and we have a ton in common.
We're both divorced.
We both dream of a world where waffles are a socially accepted dinner food.
You know, it's just our first date.
It's not like it's anything serious, so just relax.
Although of all the empty stools in all the diners in Los Angeles, she did pick the one next to me.
Abby, sweetheart, this could be a confusing time for you.
And even though Daddy has someone new in his life, I need you to know that no matter what, you will always be the most important person in my world, okay? Okay.
That's my brave little girl.
- One slice of pizza, please.
- I'm out of pizza.
What's this? A new recipe I call "not pizza.
" Next! Hey, Alex.
Come sit up here.
Okay, look, if you're planning on doing something embarrassing to me, it's going to be pretty hard to beat the dance.
Are you kidding? Dude, that was epic.
You almost kissed Nori Sterling.
You're a legend, dude.
Come on, sit with us.
Whoa.
Yeah, that step's kind of wobbly.
I have an invention that could fix that.
- [laughter.]
- Hilarious.
Wasn't really a joke, but whatever.
Beats sitting against that wall, huh? Yeah.
[cheerful music.]
I am so sorry.
I had no idea you were sitting up here.
Enjoy that.
Welcome to the Ramp.
So is picking up women in diners, like, a thing for you? Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm classy that way.
Uh, diners, gas stations.
I met my wife at a laundromat.
Ex-wife.
I'm sorry, uh [chuckles.]
I'm very new to this.
This is my first date since the divorce.
- Mine too.
- It's kind of weird, huh? Yeah, yeah.
But good weird.
Yeah.
Good weird.
I don't get it.
If you're dating someone, why'd you kiss me? Well, I didn't really have a chance to tell you with you sweeping me up in your arms.
Well, seemed to me you were enjoying the sweeping.
I'm not saying I didn't.
And I'm sorry, I guess I just got caught up in the moment, but the thing is, Richard and I have been seeing each other for a while now.
Is it serious? Well, that's the thing.
I don't know.
Every time I mention anything about the future, he changes the subject.
Well, you certainly have a type.
What does that mean? Oh, even when we were kids, you were with guys who had commitment issues.
But you deserve better.
You should be with someone who totally wants to be with you, someone who can't stop thinking about you, someone who, when they see you, time stands still.
Where have I heard that advice before? You know it was me, right? - Hey, Alex.
- Hey, kid I don't know.
- What's up, Alex? - Hey, guy.
Hey, Alex.
Heard you sat on the Ramp at lunch.
Is that why everyone's being so nice to me? Probably.
People at this school are really shallow.
- A-Dog! - Hey! So shallow.
Hey, you took down the pictures of your boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend.
I thought a lot about what you said how I deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with me.
And I realized that was never gonna be him.
That is terrible news.
[whispering.]
Yes.
Hey, little B, how was lunch? Crazy, actually.
I sat on the Ramp, and now I'm suddenly popular.
Sweet.
Best ten bucks I ever spent.
Yeah, and I was just talking to Nori, and she told me Wait, I'm sorry, what about ten bucks? I thought I told you, I paid Dean $10 to let you sit at his table this week.
Oh, by the way, can I borrow some money for lunch? I only had a ten, and you know, Dean.
Why are you driving like that? Didn't you convert this thing years ago? I yeah, yeah.
Old habit.
[beeping.]
Self-driving cars: one invention the world didn't need.
Impressive.
You've only been retired a little while, and you already have the cranky old man thing down.
- [ding.]
- New message from Eleanor.
Play message.
Alex, I spoke to Richard, and I need to talk to you as soon as you can.
[ding.]
Okay, now, listen.
I know that in the past that you have accused me of getting ahead Dad, it is so on.
That's what I was thinking.
- [laughs.]
- New route, Corky's Diner, as fast as you can.
[tires squealing.]
Go ahead.
Pretend you're driving.
[laughing.]
Hey, Casanova.
Surprised to see you.
Really? Why? Well, I assumed, with how well things were going on your date, you'd be walk-of-shaming it home in the morning.
[laughs.]
Yeah, well Wait, how do you know my date went well? Well, this thing's kicked.
Should we get another bottle? We could.
Or we could have a drink back at my place.
Your place? Yes, that is definitely something I would be interested in.
Um, let me just pay the check as quickly as I can.
Ugh, okay, so I butt-dialed my entire date.
Just the first hour, till your battery ran out.
Wait, you listened to my date for an hour? I've been married for 15 years, okay? It's called living vicariously.
So things seemed like they were heading in the right direction.
You guys hooked up, right? Wrong.
Should I put my address in your phone? Oh, sure.
Yeah, um That's weird.
My phone's dead.
Oh.
I can just write it on your hand.
- Okay.
- Here.
[cheerful music.]
Um you know what? I-I should go.
Um, it was very nice dining with you.
I hope to do it again soon.
A firm handshake? Seriously? It has been six months since my divorce.
You know, I thought I was ready, but I am not.
That's okay.
Nobody's putting pressure on you.
What? You tricked me into going out to meet women.
No, that was deception, not pressure.
Ugh, what is wrong with me? Don't beat yourself up.
You'll be ready when you're ready.
And in the meantime, I got your back.
Thanks, Darryl.
I know that look.
We are not hugging.
How about a firm handshake? I'm pretty good at those.
Is that her address? It used to be her address, yeah.
I don't want your sloppy seconds.
Come on.
Just put her there, please? Come in here.
[laughs.]
You wanna go grab some waffles? - Dude, you just ate.
- I definitely have a problem.
Hey, Alex.
Up here.
No, thanks.
I don't need to pay for my friends.
Can I sit with you guys? Sure.
Grab a seat.
What was it like on the Ramp? Same as here.
Just six inches higher.
[all sigh.]
Maybe someday, we'll get to sit up there.
Why not make someday today? The Ramp? We can't sit on the Ramp.
Why? 'Cause the cool kids say you can't? Yeah, of course.
What other reason would there be? Look, okay, I know I've only been at this school for a little while, but I've seen enough to know that it's messed up.
I'm Chokey 'cause I choked once.
You're Nose Puke because milk came out of your nose once.
- And you're Shart because you - It was more than once.
Eww, really? And, One-Nut I mean, seriously, do you like being known as that? Not really.
Though it is better than Shart.
The only reason they get away with treating us like this is because we let them.
I don't know about you, but I'm done with all that.
- Who's with me? - I'm in.
- Yeah.
- Same here.
Me too.
Follow me.
[uplifting music.]
[students gasp.]
- Trippy! - All: Trippy, Trippy, Trippy, Trippy, Trippy, Trippy Look on the bright side, little bro.
You're not Chokey anymore.
Oh, no.
Not again.
All: Trippy, Trippy, Trippy Here's the thing about first steps.
They don't always take you where you want to go.
[bright music.]
Go get her, Dad.
- Alex, you got my message.
- Loud and clear.
I spoke to Richard.
And you told him that you deserved to be with somebody who wants to be with you.
- I did.
- And he said he couldn't commit.
He asked me to marry him.
[sad music.]
But even when a first step causes us to stumble, it doesn't mean it was wrong to take it.
Mind if I sit down? Sure.
Pull up some floor.
I appreciate you trying to change this place.
Hey, I did change it.
Made it a million times worse.
- 2 million.
- [both laugh.]
Look, just because they won't use our real names doesn't mean we can't.
I'm Alex.
I'm Darryl.
Nice to officially meet you, Darryl.
[happy music.]
Can we play Horse? No, honey.
It's sleepy time.
Even though it's important to take first steps, sometimes it's okay to stand still.
Score! Because it's in those moments - H! - Waffles are ready! that we truly appreciate what we have.