Melissa & Joey s01e02 Episode Script

# Enjoy # Hey, burke, I don't understand anything you wrote on this market list.
- Um, "no fayo"? - Non-fat yogurt.
Oh okay.
What about "wah wee pen"? Whole wheat penne.
How could I not see that one? Um "max flo tamp"? - Think about it.
- Oh, I got it.
See if you can decode this: "not-a-frigging-chance.
" Joe, have you seen my good black jeans? I can't go to school in my pajamas.
- Washed and in your room.
- They're not in my room.
- Five bucks says that they are.
- 10 says they're not.
- 20.
- 50.
- All right, you're on.
- It's kinda funny, You're not a mom, but you have two kids, You're not in a relationship, yet you live with a guy.
And you haven't been on a real date in six weeks.
- No, I am totally fulfilled in my new life.
- Oh.
But tell me, rhonda, are there still men out there And do they still take women on romantic dates to restaurants - And try to take advantage of them? - They do, god bless them.
Oh god, I miss that.
-Look at me, I'm rich! Double or nothing says that they're in the dryer.
Oh hey look, we never really talked about this, - But Friday is payday, right? - Uh-huh.
Good.
I might need a small advance.
Interesting fact: Before this he actually ran an entire company.
Look, we lost a billion dollars, but we never lost our pants.
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪ ♪ with me.
♪ - Sounds like a date.
- It is not a date.
Theo just wants to discuss arts funding for public schools with me At that really cool new dim sum place where all the couples hang out.
Oooh, he totally asked you out.
Can we not be tweenagers about this? He totally did.
Oh, and he's, like, so cute! So is he giving off any signs? Does he seem interested? Well, I detected several glances At selected portions of me.
Are we talking boyfriend material? The councilwoman has him under review.
GIGGLES - Girl talk? - Just business.
Yes, we were reviewing critical personnel issues.
So then girl talk.
I think this is great, because let's face it, These days you're not out there hitting the clubs.
And nothing's hitting me.
So what's your next move with theo? Well, I don't want to be unprofessional.
I'm lying.
I want to be so unprofessional.
Like, "slap me with a lawsuit" unprofessional.
Oh, he's really adorable.
Ladies, please, at least wait till I'm out of the room.
But I can't just be hitting on the guy when he's lobbying me.
- Isn't that crossing the line? - So make him cross it first.
Let him give you a ride home after the next meeting.
Then ask him if he wants to come inside.
A little chitchat, flash those baby blues.
Do I have to spell this out? No, I have memories.
And a videotape one of my old boyfriends made.
Man, I looked good in that tape.
You should transfer it to digital so you don't lose it.
And then encrypt the crap out of it.
Oooh, gotta go.
I have a date.
Well, not technically.
I'm interviewing new interns.
Oh hey, let me help you with that.
No no no, I got it, I got it.
It's perfectly balanced.
Please don't! Both: See? All right, I got it.
I got it.
All right, that is it.
I'm all moved in.
Nice.
Wall, floor, weight bench, All the comforts of solitary confinement.
Where do you sleep? This baby.
The thing inflates in like 30 seconds.
BEEPS SLOW HISSING Wow.
Look at it go.
I'd better get out of the way.
- You're good, burke.
- Seriously, I thought you said you and tiffany Were going halfsies on all your stuff.
Yeah, this is my Half.
Oh, so when you divided things equally You got all the invisible stuff? Look, tiffany is going to be on her own for the first time ever.
Okay? And she's never worked.
I just wanted to make sure she was going to be okay.
I'm trying to be a standup guy here.
You're kinda more of a bent-over guy.
I'm sorry.
Look, I just get.
- You know what? It's none of my business.
- What? No.
Say it.
I get the feeling that you believe that if you let her keep all the stuff, That she'll change her mind and take you back.
Please! I got everything I wanted.
Really? I bet you had a tv.
A guy like you probably had a 60", The fact of the matter is you now have 0".
That is by choice, okay? She's going to be spending a lot of time at home and she thought We thought it would be best if she took the tv.
Like I said, 0".
You're a nice guy, but you're getting killed here.
I'll be back in an hour, because I'm really curious to see what that's gonna look like.
I don't believe this.
That is hilarious.
- What? - Nothing.
- Ha ha ha! - Oh come on, share! I bought everything you're wearing.
Okay, so aiden, he thinks he's like a super driver.
Today after school, He backs his beemer right into the headmaster's mercedes.
So they end up having to call aiden's dad in zurich, and he goes Wait wait, wait a minute.
There were a lot of big-money words there.
Since when are there headmasters at public schools? They're not.
This happened at mcalister.
Mcalister? You mean mcpreppy mcsnooty academy? The one you're glad to be out of? Everybody I know is still there.
What about making some new friends? At grant.
Where you go every day for eight hours or so I'm told.
I already have friends.
Yes, but those friends will give you carpal tunnel.
Here's a crazy thought: What about making some friends You can talk to even in a blackout? O.
M.
G! I have nothing in common with these people.
Because you haven't given them a chance.
Get to know them.
Then maybe you can get their numbers and text them.
I knew you wouldn't get it.
Burke, you are absolutely right.
Tiffany's been pushing me around And I need to stand up for myself and be a man.
I'm getting my inches back all of them.
We were talking about televisions.
Lennox, it's a public hearing tonight and there's always a lot of blowhards, - So it might go late.
- Uh-huh.
And flying monkeys might carry me off into the night.
You know, I do listen to you.
I just don't find much of it very interesting.
Oh, you do listen to me.
Oh, you're wearing the special-occasion earrings.
Is there going to be a very special blowhard there tonight? No, I Just Yeah, uh-huh, what's his name? - Theo morton.
- What's he do? He's deputy vice-chair on the mayor's commission Of arts curricula and public funding.
Oooh, a bad boy! - I bet he wears suits.
- He does not! OK, He does.
Oh my god, I just looked out the window.
You guys gotta see what's coming.
Hey, thanks, buddy.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
- Joe, can I touch it? - No.
All right, but go wash your hands first.
- I think I know what this is.
- This is a little piece of my dignity.
Went over to talk to tiffany.
Best conversation we have had since Since you went broke and then she dumped you? That's a way to cushion it, yeah.
Anyway, I stated my position.
She listened.
And I am back with tangible results.
Yeah, a beautiful big-ass tv.
Watch your language around the television, okay? Hey, where are you going with that? Let the kid take it for a spin.
Listen, I have to thank you.
It's because of you that I got that tv back.
You know it's not staying in the living room? But what's even more significant is what I did not come back with.
- I'm serious, it's not.
- My awesome leather club chair.
I wanted that too.
But tiffany would not let that go.
- You know what this means? - The tv's not staying? No, this means she's not ready to let go.
You see, that chair Is me.
And tiffany is? Still tiffany.
But she's sitting on me.
Okay, so you think that she might want you back Because she's keeping a chair? Two plus two, Four every time.
Oh, it looks great.
Look, I put a lot of thought into the design of the room here, And frat house rec room is not part of the scheme.
- C'mon, aunt mel, it's high-def! - And I'm low tolerance.
- Besides it's joe's tv.
- It's fine.
It can live up here.
Actually downstairs would be so much better.
You know, ryder, downstairs would be so much better.
No, you can't! This is the first time this house has officially not sucked.
Wow, it's nice that you don't hold back.
Ryder, look, I know you like it, but if my interior decorator ever saw this Oh my god! Baby penguins.
CHEEPIN - Sit.
- No.
Oh, they're so cute.
And crisp.
I want a penguin.
I couldn't tell how I was doing there.
I mean, some of the old guys on the city council are pretty tough.
Gunderson was just staring at me with this blank, creepy expression the whole time.
Oh, don't mind him.
He died three years ago.
Okay, then I won't take it personally.
Do you think we have the votes? Well, just because it's you, I called in a few favors.
What kind of favors? Votey favors.
Just for you.
Wow.
It looks like we're moving in the right direction.
That is the goal.
Would you like to come in and Come in? CHEERING Go, baby.
Whoo! - What is this? - This is an amazing comeback is what this is.
The bengals were down by - Now they're even.
Can you believe this? - No, I can't believe this.
Why don't we take this into the kitchen? - Who's got the ball? - Both: Chargers.
Wow, what a beautiful picture.
Theo! They're going for it on fourth down?! - It's been that kind of game, man.
- Look, Theo, CHEERS Did you see that interception? Yes, I did.
So before I brief you, brief me: How did it go with theo morton, The orlando bloom of ohio arts funding? Have we segued from lobbyist to potential down-the-line boyfriend? I had him.
I was this close.
Then I lost him by two touchdowns.
- What are you talking about? - Joe made him watch football.
My nanny stole my date! Oh man, when I saw you and theo leaving together, - I thought "this is it.
The drought is over.
" - so did I.
But then it all turned to crap in High-Def.
That's it, I gotta explain some rules to joe What can and cannot happen under my roof.
Yeah, let him have it hard so you're not snapping at me all day.
I never do that! Oh, I'm sorry.
Can you just wait in the car for me? - Joe.
- Burke.
Uh, we need to go over a few things.
Look, if it's about the soy milk, I'm sorry.
I threw it out because I thought it went bad.
I had no idea that god-awful odor was the correct smell.
- No no no, this is more global.
- Aunt mel, I need to talk to you.
- In a minute, lennox.
- No, it'll be really fast, I promise.
Okay, so I was thinking about what you said about me not making friends At my new school and not moving on with my life so I've made a decision.
- I want to go back to my old school.
- Ah! The one that's two hours and $40,000 away? Yeah, but they give you lunch.
- We'll talk about this tonight.
- Yes we will.
She has no idea how to read you.
And that would be my segue back to you.
Here's the thing: When I bring a guy home, like for instance last night, It would be unbelievably preferable if there was no sports bar right here.
- So theo was from work? - Yes.
But you were trying to Yeah.
- And then he saw the TV.
- Yes, Yes, and then no, So therefore no! Wow, talk about missing a signal.
- This to you is an apology? - It's not my missed signal.
I'm not the one that messed up your night, burke.
- Trust me, that night was going nowhere.
- Ah! Ha ha.
- We were headed somewhere.
- Really? I mean, come on.
The guy started watching the game.
- So? He's a guy.
- Exactly.
When a guy is into you, he's thinking with his man parts, okay? And man parts? They don't care about high-def.
Ah, relationship analysis from a guy who thinks a woman Still loves him because she's keeping his chair.
Hey, that chair is significant.
Move on! Sit somewhere else.
Don't get mad at me, all right? I'm not the one that messed up your little schoolgirl crush.
- Oh, it was not a schoolgirl crush.
[New S.
M.
S.]
Oh! A text from theo! Oh, you are so gonna eat your words.
Check this out.
"dinner tonight.
" That's it? Two words? - Yeah, but they mean a great deal.
- They mean that he's hungry.
Yeah, hungry for love.
- -Of food! - You are so wrong.
- And by so wrong, you mean I'm so right.
- I'll show you.
- Really? What are you gonna show me? That this means so much more than your ridiculous little club chair.
Will you leave my chair out of this, please? - We really need to get into work now.
- Gladly.
- Dinner! - Just a dinner.
Just a chair.
Ooh, the press loves somebody tonight: "burke eloquent as council approves ts bill.
" There are like 12 stories up already And I'm not even counting the naked blogger guy.
Hey, dennis has a following.
You are very popular with naked people at their computers.
So where's theo taking you tonight? My new favorite spot, not here.
Ryder, need ya! So theo looked pretty happy About the votes, don't you think? He's gonna look happier tonight.
Look at you! Well, I am wearing my celebratory "public arts funding" bra.
I wish the arts got that much support.
So what's up? Ryder, there are one too many tv's in this room.
Can you find it? Take it on down to joe's man cave.
I reserve the right to bring it back up here for playoff games.
- This is not a negotiation.
- Sure it is.
- Joe's influence on you is not appreciated.
- He said you'd say that.
Yeah, I know, But if mrs.
Denton lets us do a video, we won't have to write the paper.
Let's get bailey in our group.
She loves to work.
- Hi, lennox and? - Victoria.
Hi.
You're like famous or something, right? Yes, she is city councilwoman mel burke, Who represents the seventh district, including Rhonda, easy, not a voter.
It's like cigarettes.
You have to establish brand loyalty when they're young.
- We'll be upstairs.
- Oh, hey, - She's from grant? - Yeah yeah, really funny story.
Oh well, your aunt loves funny stories.
Okay, so I was in the bathroom and I heard this girl throwing up.
- Funny already.
- And I was like, "I know that sound!" 'cause that's like the national anthem back at mcalister.
So I was about to give the speech I used to always give there: "you're pretty the way you are.
There's no perfect body type.
You don't have to look like a model in a magazine.
" Then she turns around and starts shouting at me, "I'm not bulimic, I just ate the cafeteria chili! Go to hell!" - She's great.
- So you made a new friend? I did this because I wanted to, not because you told me to.
She did it because I told her to.
I assume you're not gonna be here for dinner? She might miss breakfast.
I have no comment at this time.
Pffft.
Excuse me, joseph.
Uh-oh.
No, Your'e Fine.
I Just I wanted to say I'm sorry about what I said before About you and tiffany and things.
I know it's been a tough transition And there's some things you miss, So I thought this might help you move on.
A laptop? Thank you.
You know, the feds took mine for evidence.
No no no, I've been looking for leather club chairs to replace yours.
Look, there's like a dozen of them selling right here in town.
- That's very thoughtful of you, burke.
- See? Look, leather, perfect condition.
- Look at this one it's got a lot of character.
- That's my chair.
See? Just like that we find you one you like.
No That is my chair.
That my actual chair.
That's my damn chair! - She's selling it? - You don't know that's yours.
- There's like a million of these.
- Yes I do! Look at this Zoom-Zoom, OK.
You see? That is tiffany right there.
I recognize those.
You know why? I paid for those too! This was never about me.
This is all about money.
I'm sorry, joe.
I had no idea.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
I just should have seen this thing coming.
You were absolutely right.
Sometimes when you have feelings, it's hard to see what's really going on.
It'll be okay.
Where's the tv? - Downstairs.
- Whatever.
If it's cool with you, I'm just gonna chill here a little bit, all right? Oooh, here's the thing.
Um, theo's coming over and given that he's coming over, Perhaps a better place for you to chill might be downstairs? It was the best chair I'm ever gonna have.
I've sat in some chairs, burke.
Um, you know, when things are swirling around me And I really need to clear my head, There's nothing better than going to my own room.
Oh, room sweet room.
Wow, I can't believe it.
- It's finally over.
Ooh, another text from theo.
"can't make dinner tonight.
My boyfriend and I are taking our cat to the hospital.
Elpheba is coughing up blood.
Thanks for the votes.
" Boyfriend? What the hell does that mean? That he's gay.
- Gay? - Yeah, you know he likes guys.
And cats.
Probably the musical "cats.
" But he liked football and he flirted! Oooh, he intentionally jammed my gaydar! Don't worry about it, all right? I dated a lesbian once.
She was actually a nice girl.
You're just not the best at judging signals.
So what? He was using me.
And it was all completely political.
And now he's done pretending and he's back with his boyfriend and their dying cat! Oh, I hope they're happy! You're just itching to say I told you so, aren't you? Hey, I just got dumped for a chair.
This was all about his public arts funding scheme.
Well, that's it! From now on, I'm only supporting technical schools! The arts can bite me! Hey, ryder, ryder, get back downstairs and get that tv back up here.
I want 52" of plasma in front of my face pronto.
But I just took it And Hey! Look look, when they finally agree with you on something, you shut your mouth and go with it.
- I'm gonna learn a lot from you, aren't I? - Damn straight, boy.
- Yes! - Whoo! And the baby penguin is hatched! That is really one of the most beautiful things that I've ever seen.
So can we keep the tv? It'll help me make more friends.
You know, I didn't think I could adjust to it at first, But now that it's here, I guess it's not so bad.
- what is that? What is that?! It's a leopard seal.
It's going after My "O.
M.
G".
We're gonna need to change the channel here.
Does anybody know where the remote is?! SCREAMS Who is the sicko Who came up with HD? Oh god, Here, No, Don't! avert your eyes.