Men at Work (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

Morning, Gibbles.
No.
Classic pre-coffee Gibbles.
Hey, did you know that coffee grounds are used by drug smugglers to throw off the drug-sniffing dogs? Tyler, tell Milo I'm happy he's learning all these facts for his article, but if he tells me one more before I've had my coffee, I'm gonna tear off his Something and shove it up his Something.
Damn, I need my coffee! Hey, go easy on him.
It's his first feature.
It seems like just yesterday you were writing gadget reviews for the magazine.
It was yesterday.
I know! And it seemed like it.
Ahh.
There we go.
Shave off your beard and shove it up your ass.
Good morning, gents! Oh, hey, there, "mad men.
" Did your girlfriend dress you? I'll have you know that Amy is out of town this week.
But she did lay this out for me before she left.
You got a hot date? I'm having lunch with Amy's dad.
The boss is in town?! Are we in trouble? Or did we win something? No.
Look, he's just here to see me And to buy the Chrysler building with money he found in his couch, but mostly to see me.
I wonder how much money he's gonna offer you this time to stop dating his daughter.
I still think you should have taken the 15 grand.
I know he thinks I'm soft, but today, I am finally gonna win him over.
I've outlined a strategy platform to increase the magazine's ad revenue by 30%.
See? See? I'm not soft.
And at lunch, I'm gonna prove it.
I'm gonna be so hard at lunch.
Yeah, it's not that kind of lunch, Neal.
Oh, good.
I was afraid the break room wasn't getting enough use.
Crisis averted.
Hi.
Morning, sir.
Yeah.
Wow, so you guys are supposed to know what's cool and current for my readers? Really? You look exactly like a girl I dated in Switzerland.
You look like a hobo.
You are hopeless.
And you? You're okay.
Neal, let's get this lunch over with.
But it's only yeah, still on European time.
I got a car downstairs.
Okay, great.
I'll meet you at the restaurant.
I like him.
did you finish yet? With the sentence I was reading the last time you asked me? Almost.
My bad.
Take your time.
Savor it, you know? It's a it's a lot to digest.
Keep in mind, it is my first feature Though I'm pretty sure it doesn't read that way.
Ri I'll leave you to it.
Just, uh Holler when you're done.
What? Was it funny? Typo.
Okay, done.
Okay, look.
I want it to be great, okay? So don't sugarcoat it.
It's not great.
You're not great! You're stupid, your writing's stupid, and your hair is stupid.
Are you done? Are you done Being stupid? I'm done.
Okay, it's not bad at all.
It's factual and accurate, but there's nothing that grabs the reader.
It's like a term paper, like you just cut and pasted from Wikipedia.
I did not.
You have to find a way to make your article stand out.
Okay, I hear you.
Grab the reader, make my article stand out.
Now you're just cutting and pasting things say.
No, no.
I get it.
I get it.
Thank you.
And You're not stupid.
I know.
And your hair is like a unicorn's mane.
I know.
I'll have a lemonade.
Macallan 18, neat.
You can tell a lot about a man from what he drinks, Neal.
Scratch that.
Um, I'll have The hangman's noose.
So, you know what I thought might be fun? Neal, there are three things in this world I don't care about.
One European football.
I don't get it.
It's boring, and nobody has a weapon.
And, two, I don't care what you think might be fun.
Okay.
What's the third thing? Huh? The third thing you don't care about.
Well, I've forgotten it, Neal.
Do you know why? 'Cause you don't care.
Because I don't care.
That's correct.
I think You're gonna change your mind when you see this.
You want to sell me a time-share, Neal? That is rich, sir.
No, this is my proposal on how we can grow full steam magazine and increase whoa.
Hold up, sunshine.
Grow the magazine? The written word is dying, my uninformed, sleeping-with-my-daughter guy, and you want to expand? I just thought I don't think you did.
Neal, I've started a lot of companies in my day, but this magazine, this is for love of the game.
I don't need it to make me rich, but I wouldn't hate it if we broke even.
So, if you really want to impress me, why don't you start by cutting costs in your own backyard? I can do that.
I can cut costs.
Can you? Yeah.
It takes a real man to make hard cuts.
Macallan 18.
Sir, those cuts will be made because I am a man.
I am all man.
And your hangman's noose.
The ship is yours to keep.
You'd just be a source? I'm obviously not gonna tell anyone you're a drug dealer! Mm Anyone else.
Damn it.
Milo, what the hell are you doing? I'm trying to give my article something that will grab the reader's attention.
By getting some street dealer who sells Jamaican bunk reefer to wall street guppies to drop a dime? I don't know what you just said.
You got to go deeper.
You got to put yourself in the story the way Tyler does.
When he did that article on manscaping, you should have seen his undercarriage.
I had to.
Why? Well, because he It made sense at the time.
Hey, Tyler? Hey where's the coffee maker? It's gone.
Bagels, too.
We've been robbed! We by a guy who didn't need much! Okay, let's just let's calm down.
Good morning.
We got no bagels and no coffee.
Interesting story, actually.
P.
J.
told me to find some places to cut costs around here.
You? You took our coffee? And our bagels? Well, I'm not happy about it either.
I can't feel my thoughts.
So is this just to get in good with Amy's dad? No, this is good for the company.
I smell bats.
Do you guys smell bats? Let's not get dramatic here, all right? I'm sure you guys can live without coffee and bagels.
Bullshit, Neal! Free coffee is the only reason people have jobs! Now I have to go to Starbucks like some animal.
An animal, Neal! So, then, I tried to sell my daughter's goldfish to feed my habit.
Not much of a habit, huh? A new goldfish is like a dollar, right? Turns out her goldfish had trichodina, so no one would give me anything for him.
That's when I got into smuggling.
Shh, I need to hear this.
But that's a story for another day.
What? No! Uh I think that's a really good story for to-day.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
Are you new here? What's your name? My name is Magic.
Johnson.
No last names, magic.
Sorry, Dan.
Uh, it's my first meeting, so I don't know all the rules.
Um I'm not really much of a drug user.
I mean, every once in a while, I'll get baked and watch a Ken burns documentary about jazz, but Honestly I'm writing an article about drug trafficking, and I came here hoping to get some inside information.
I think you'd better leave, magic.
Will you at least tell me how you got the drugs through customs? You're making the demon grow inside me.
Crossed the line.
Got it.
All right.
Everybody, thank you for coming, and was it coffee grounds? Stare at me angry if it was coffee grounds.
Coffee grounds.
Not up.
I want to go do-o-wn! I'm just gonna slip in here.
Ohh, that smells amazing.
Yeah, we just, uh, got a new coffee maker.
It's pretty great.
Oh, have a good one.
You, too.
What? Morning.
Morning.
Do I seem needy to you? Uh, no.
I mean Just Oh, t-t-this guy I'm seeing says I'm needy.
And I oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
I don't even know you! I'm am treating you like you are one of my shrinks.
One? It takes a village.
You know what? I am sorry.
You just have such a kind face, you know? Like the oracle.
I'm Nora.
Oh, my name is, uh Gib.
It's nice to meet you, Gib.
You, too.
Are you new? Very new.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
Mm.
Well, let's get back to work.
Another day, another dollar.
Mm-hmm.
Unless we're a nonprofit.
In which case, good for us.
Hey, Tyler.
How's it going? Great.
I'm, uh, really enjoying Neal's $5-lunch limit on my expense account.
You want to share a hot dog and an off-brand cola drink? Uh, no, thanks.
I just came to give you my new and improved article.
I took your advice and really tried to grab the reader.
Good for you.
And then Gibbs said I needed to go deeper.
So I did.
Okay.
I went all in.
If you want to hang out, you've got to take her out cocaine if you want to get down, down on the ground cocaine she don't lie, she don't lie Are you out of your mind?! It's only flour.
And wait till you read it.
This is just what my article was missing the human element.
I'm becoming the story.
You're becoming cake.
Just read it and let me know what you think, okay? I got to go to the doctor.
You gonna get those condoms taken out? No.
I'm going for my regular checkup.
Asshole.
Neal, I got to admit, I'm impressed.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Thank you, sir.
So, what's next? Next? Yeah, you didn't think cutting back on snacks and copy-machine toner was it, did you? That's the appetizer.
What's for dinner? Well, I think maybe we've gone far enough.
You know, some people are getting a little testy with the cutbacks.
And he's back.
Come on, Neal.
I-I was hoping you were gonna bring me something a little more daring, something I'd remember after I walk out of this office, something that might help me understand exactly what the hell my daughter sees in you.
But I guess that, along with the whereabouts of my third wife, will remain a mystery.
Now, if you'll excuse me Paper! What, are we just saying words now? Ham.
Paper is our biggest variable outlay.
If we could use 5% less, we could make a real dent in production costs.
I can work with that.
Nora, he hasn't called you in a week.
This guy doesn't deserve you.
You know, he says his job keeps him really busy.
And I have my cat friends.
And my cat enemies.
Uh, uh, if he wanted to see you, he'd make time.
Randy! There he is! Don't you pretend like you didn't nail that deposition on Friday.
Because we are lawyers.
Yeah, so, you think I should just kick his janky ass to the curb? Yes! Matter of fact, if that dude was here right now, I'd throw this coffee right in his face.
And I'd get myself another cup.
Tyler Mitchell.
Milo, where have you been?! Your article's amazing! Yeah? Well, it's about to get even better, because guess where I am.
In jail! What the hell are you doing in jail? Well, I went to the doctor, and he took an ultrasound.
And he saw the balloons in my stomach.
Apparently, he's heard the "it's for an article" excuse before.
I'm doing one for esquire.
Okay, pal.
Don't worry.
I'm on my way to get you out.
No, don't.
Once they see it's flour and not drugs, I'll be good to go.
Hey, in the meantime, can you Google "Kansas City push pop"? Because my cell mate keeps telling me he wants to give me one.
Let's go, Gomez.
We can't wait all day.
Drink this.
What is it? It's going to make it happen fast And hard.
Did you hear that? That's a great line for the article.
All right.
Listen up, hipsters.
Mr.
Neal I don't know your last name.
Oh, it's not important.
Neal here has come up with a great idea.
Since paper is our biggest expense, we are going to reduce the magazine by cutting all investigative features.
Wait, that's not my idea.
Don't be so humble.
We're gonna give our readers what they want girls, guns, and body-spray ads.
Got it? Good.
Hey, w-what is he saying? I'm sorry, buddy, but He's saying your article's dead.
Milo?! Are you there, buddy?! Say something.
It hurts! It hurts so bad! Oh, I know it hurts, buddy, but there'll be other articles.
Uh, no.
That wasn't me.
Did you get 'em all out? You swallowed more than one? Tyler *** we're gonna be out on our asses.
And on top of that, I want some damn coffee! Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Me, too! Aah! Really? 'Cause I was gonna say you seem to be doing pretty well considering how much you love your coffee.
Yeah? Well, I think my body is still in shock.
It may seem like I'm okay on the outside, but here, it's thunderdome.
Do I smell French vanilla? What? Oh You know what that probably is? I ate a yankee candle.
It was just sitting there smelling good.
I got curious.
You think I'm an idiot, don't you? No? I believe yankee candle discontinued French vanilla in 1997.
So you either you have a lot of old candles lying around, which is something we should talk about Or you're a liar, which we should also talk about.
Okay, fine, you got me.
I've got a new source for coffee, but there's nothing you can say that's gonna make me take you there.
Take me there.
Fine.
I need to get a refill anyway.
She's so beautiful.
I call her Isabella.
Which reminds me, when I'm up here, don't call me Gibbs.
What do I call you? Gib.
You have a pen? I got to write that down.
Just try it.
Try the nutmeg.
Hey, Gib.
I made you a stuffed Gibby kitty.
Hey, Nora? Yeah? This is Tyler? Dora, right? It's Nora.
He just said my name.
Right, right, Nora.
Oh, my God! I owe you a phone call.
Oh oh, he's the one you've been shame on you, stranger! Shame on you! That's hot, Gibbs! Wait, you know him? Of course I don't know him.
That's why he's calling me by a completely wrong name.
Really? You're selling me out for free coffee? Is that all I was to you?! You're no better than him! Wait, Nora.
I know.
I got this.
Hey, pal, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, Neal.
Things happen.
Things you can't even imagine.
Horrible, horrible things.
I swear, I never meant for your article to get cut.
Believe it or not, the thing that hurts the most this is the first time I felt like a real writer.
The thing that hurts the second most is my taint.
I hear the ad agency on the third floor has a nice kitchen.
Well, let's just change our shirts and we'll go.
Up there, call me "Scott.
" Okay, and I'll be Gib.
If I have to put another Kardashian on the cover I mean, what, do they harvest them in some furry petri dish? No offense.
Neal, you are a scotch man now.
Together, you and I are turning this magazine around.
Wow, Mr.
Jordan, I don't know how to thank you.
That's a weird skill to be lacking.
No, I mean I mean, I appreciate this.
But, you're not gonna think I'm a scotch man after you hear what I'm about to say.
I knew it.
Does Amy know? She must know.
Listen, I'm just glad that you people can finally legally marry no, no, no.
It's not that.
Look, Mr.
Jordan, you created Full stem magazine because you had something to say.
But cutting things like features is turning your magazine into a bathroom pamphlet.
And I for one think we and you are better than that.
Everybody agree with Norma rae here? I like pamphlets.
Uh I'm wearing a diaper.
All right, look.
I'm not made of money.
Well, actually, pretty close, but we got to cut something.
Okay, what if we keep features, but maybe we could, I don't know, That'll save pages.
Do that.
Why didn't you say that earlier? You could've saved me from your whole version of "the king's speech.
" Features are back.
Hey! Tell my daughter I want to have dinner with her next time I'm in town.
And you should join us.
I know what you just did there wasn't easy, so here you go.
Nice catch, Jennifer.
Sabella spoiled me.
This coffee is disgusting.
Not when you drink it out of this.
Check it out.
Hot off the presses.
Milo, you're published Wow, my first feature I think.
Uh-huh.
To Milo! To Milo! Ahh, Milo! To me! Ha-ha! Where's your picture? Oh, yeah.
You might want to what the hell? Yeah, we kind of missed the deadline for the contributor pic, so The cops thought it was a good shot.
Was that before or after? During.
Ohh come on.
Don't take a tour bus and go home! Don't gradually walk away!