Men in Trees s01e02 Episode Script

Good morning, Elmo, Alaska This is Patrick Bachelor, coming in from kzpz radio located the lovely Elmo - marin! You need a scarf.
- Oh! Thanks, sara.
Coming up in five, the premiere of new york relationship coach marin frist's show, "first things frist.
" sorry! Oh, excuse me! Oh, sorry! Morning.
Uh-oh! Aah! - Whoa, whoa! - Um, oh, thanks, jerome.
Slow down there, new york! here's your morning update - morning.
-Good.
Buzz is flying two mail flights today to sitka ben and theresa are bringing in a fresh keg for the big seahawks game this friday night Whoa, whoa, I got it! Oh, and if anyone sees jack hey! tell him the bear is in the dumpster again.
hey, wait up! Where you headed? Grange hall.
Some fun marin frist facts- she loves dark chocolate and sushi, was raised in the big apple and believes that in matters of love, "you never know which road will lead to your husband.
" finally.
Thanks, guys! Aah! hey, you need a hand, coach? No, I'M good.
Thanks.
morning, gents! hi.
Dock ate my shoe.
And barnacles eat the dock.
It's the circle of life.
Sorry, I hate to be late for my first day of work.
Right, and you only have one chance to make a first impression, and I, for one, am impressed.
All right, guys, in the studio to answer your questions is love doctor marin frist.
- She just moved here.
- Just visiting.
Writing my next book on men.
Okay, go ahead, caller.
- yeah, I got your very berry lip stuff.
- My gloss! That's great.
I could return it to you for a date.
Oh.
Um I'm not on the market.
You taken? I was.
He cheated on me, so now I'm sans man and finding my own way.
- What a hoser! - We're in morning drive, people! The hoser's name is graham.
He's back in new york, which is why I'm here to move on.
Alone.
Hi, marin! Morning.
Annie? you're still here?! Crazy, right? I came here because I'm your biggest fan, but now I'm a fan of elmo, too.
Everybody is so nice compared to new york.
do you notice all the men? Kinda hard to miss.
Patrick's my favorite.
He's a sweetie.
And frankly, I thought maybe I should stick around, 'cause you seem like you could use some emotional support.
Oh, annie, I'm fine.
Really.
You know, in your first book, you wrote, "the road to getting over a relationship is full of hidden potholes.
" Please stop quoting me to me.
I'm still your biggest fan! At this point, you may be my only fan, so thanks.
I'm here for you, okay? shoo! Shoo! Go away! Shoo! how's the writing going? It's noisy here, sara.
Oh, sorry about that.
My Oh, it's not that.
It's the bird.
Wait seriously? Spanked? Yeah, and he's the high school principal.
The irony, huh? I'll catch you after my next break.
come on, jane.
you've made a huge mistake, and you're coming home.
- No.
-Hmm, an editor can wish.
How's the writing going? Good.
How's the wedding canceling going? Under control.
You didn't make me maid of honor for thing.
Hey, get this-I have a stray that keeps following me.
- Stray dog? -Raccoon Oh, honey.
Get your rabies shot.
- I beg of you.
- I'm fine.
Are you? Yes, and I wish everyone would stop asking me.
Consider me stopped.
My cab! Oh, oh, cancel the cake! That's mine.
Hey! ah.
What can I do you for? Well, uh, there is this uh, bird outside my window.
Is there anything you can do? You could use this.
Pelt is a natural sound buffer.
Yeah.
hot! - hey, jack's downstairs.
- What? - and he has flowers for - Why? I don't know.
Jack's got flowers for me? I know! Hi.
Nice hat.
- Ahem.
- Uh, these are for you.
Oh.
That's, uh, really sweet of you, but you didn't have to bring me flowers.
No problem.
- What's the occasion? - Uh, I don't know.
Hey! So that's it? You just buy me flowers and take off? - Oh, they're not from - they're not? No, I-I was just delivering them.
They came in on the same ferry as my new binoculars.
You enjoyed that, didn't you? A little.
These look dead.
Yeah, well, the nearest florist is three towns over, and the ferry only goes there once a week.
There's no florist here? Who would we send flowers to? I mean, in case you haven't noticed, we're a town full of dudes, you know.
that's so typical.
This is just what you guys do- you can sense we're getting over you, and bam- you send in the flowers.
New straw? Thanks, and a bottled water? There's nothing wrong with our water.
She only drinks tap water from new york.
It's on her web site.
- Oh.
-He feels gilty.
What? - Mm-hmm.
- Flowers-we do it when we feel guilty.
They're a "get out of jail free" card.
We know it gets you ladies.
When you want sex, - get flowers.
- Or when you wanna make up for having sex with someone else? Get her flowers.
So either way, you get sex? You're learning, young one.
Hey.
You remember how many flowers you gave me? Enough to get you to marry me.
Mmm, not enough to keep her married to ya.
- oh! - Ooh, hey! - Shut up, jerome.
- Look, you know what's gonna take your mind off this guy? - Unh-unh.
Seahawks game- - tomorrow night - yeah.
Right here on the big screen tv with the satellite hookup.
Who says I still need to get over him? You're smoking a straw, and you're clutching his card like it was the winning lottery ticket.
"xxx.
" Last time I saw that was on a moonshine bottle or a porno tape.
graham- that's the name of a cracker.
A girlie cracker, too.
Okay, okay, I'm not an idiot.
I know what he did stunk, but maybe he really is sorry.
maybe.
But you said in your last book that, um, "cheaters are like lemon cars- you can shine 'em up, "but in the end, they'll still leave you high and dry on the side of the road.
" Patrick, I think we've established that I don't know what I'm talking about.
- You're not over him.
- I am getting over him.
Well, then give me the card.
You're not over him! Says the guy who's still living with his ex-wife.
We live in different parts of the house.
- He means, separate wings.
- Wings? Yeah, he's loaded.
People, I'm right here.
He invented moist towelettes.
Moved up here from seattle when everyone started wanting handouts bought the bar, married theresa are you happy? Most of the time.
Look, at least you put 4, 000 miles between you and the guy, and it's not like he can walk back into this bar and break your heart again.
Okay, guys, here's a question for you- how do you get over a relationship? well, you better get back on the horse.
I go out and get laid as soon as I can.
Get the upper hand, take the power back.
So it's that easy? You can really forget about someone by sleeping with someone else? Yup.
Come on, guys, it's not like I haven't started moving forward.
I threw my wedding dress off a cliff, for pete's sake.
this yours? Well, it's my wedding dress, but I threw it out.
Yes, you did in a national park.
Landed on a baby caribou.
Oh.
Baby's okay.
Littering the park is a federal offense.
You can pay by cash or check.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- No.
Looking good, kid.
Who is that nasty woman? That's my mom.
Oh.
- she's pretty.
- Yeah.
So, uh well, this is where I could put my puzzle I I like doing jigsaw puzzles.
Same here.
And, uh, - this is where I could eat.
- Who doesn't like eating? And hmm.
There may be enough room over here for my ceramic cat collection.
Cool.
Yeah, okay, ceramic cats.
That's cool.
So do you think this is a good apartment for elmo? Well, I think this is the only apartment in elmo.
So, si, se?rita.
Is it weird that I'm moving here after only one week? I mean, when you look at the personalities of stalker fans, they sometimes do crazy, impulsive things like this I like crazy and impulsive in a girl.
And marin did set us up.
- Would you have dinner with me tomorrow night? - Yes.
Huge.
may I help you? Yes, I need to cancel a wedding cake.
Was there a design problem? More like a groom problem.
- jane.
-Graham sent flowers.
- Tell me you're not waffling.
- I'm not waffling.
- Do you think he feels bad? - He might feel bad hypothetically.
- You saw him? - I may have seen him.
And continue not to waffle when I tell you he may have told me he split from kiki.
- Really? - He looked bloated.
You are moving on.
I am canceling your wedding.
yes, you are.
gotta go.
- I've gotta shake my raccoon.
- Hmm.
yeah, ahem, it's too late.
I'm afraid you can't get the deposit back.
Okay, ladies, which one of you wants a mocha cake with buttercream flowers? Patrick here at kzpz.
This one goes out to deanna from joe.
Annie? Are you here to see mr.
Slattery? Who's mr.
Slattery? Jack.
Jack slattery, my boss.
I have a sign-in sheet.
- You work for jack? - Uh-huh.
Oh, it's so much better than the old law firm receptionist job, except for when they bring in the oil-slick birds.
I'm here to pay a ticket.
Oh, uh, chief celia's right over there.
You may not want to bother her when she's in front of her S.
A.
D.
Machine.
She needs her artificial sunlight to keep from getting really cranky.
but it's daylight outside.
Sometimes she double doses.
So you've already gotten a job here.
And an apartment.
I am totally in like with patrick.
And you said in your first book that if you found the right relationship, you should just get on that highway and don't look back.
Oh, wow.
- I just introduced you guys.
- I know! You can't know it's right yet.
Annie, you shouldn't just dive into this.
And you should not be taking advice from me.
Give me your copy of my book.
Second one.
Book on tape.
Ah! there.
Marin you know what would help you with your anger? If you got on the love highway with somebody.
(10cc's "the things we do annie that's crazy.
And I am not angry.
He told chief celia to reduce your ticket because you were- and I quote- "going through something.
" Hey, how you doing, coach? I don't need your help.
Okay.
I'm not going through anything.
I heard you on the radio.
Well, just for your information, I'm not planning on having meaningless sex.
that's good to know.
But if I were, I'm sure I could find some takers.
Yeah, I'm sure you could.
I'm not saying I wanna have sex with you.
Good.
excellent.
Could you tell me what my original fine is, please? $1, 700.
Okay, I might be going through $500 worth of "something.
" so you're taking the guys' advice, huh? Going out? I'm just window-shopping, stretching my single-girl legs.
And shaving them, too, I see.
wanna come? Nah, I spend all day with guys.
I'm hanging with my son tonight.
Thanks, though.
whoa.
What happened? You used a hair dryer?! I think the candles are kind of romantic.
I get it - no one's talking to me.
Well, that's okay.
I'll just talk to myself.
Hello, marin.
You look stunning.
Oh, whoa.
thank you.
Hey, good thing you didn't use your curling iron.
The game's on in one hour, and we don't got no satellite tv 'cause of you.
Well, I'm sorry, but where I come from, hair dryers don't blow out a whole town.
- ow! -Hey, no darts in the dark! There you are! Oh, my! What, you're gonna give me a ticket for drinking and drying? Not recycling.
Those go in the blue bins.
I'm sorry if I'm a little testy, but you blew out my S.
A.
D.
Machine.
I'm two hours under my quota.
only two? Hey, knock it off, jerome.
Straw and a bottle of water? Please.
This seat taken? Now that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all night.
You're the talk of the men's room.
- ian.
-Marin.
- Quitting? -Trying.
Spare a smoke? You're not from here.
Hmm, originally was.
- Now I live in the big city - hmm? - Anchorage.
-Oh.
In town visiting family.
- You? -New york.
That's long way from elmo, alaska.
Isn't elmo pretty much a long way from anywhere? - thanks, ben.
- mm-hmm.
Can I buy you a real drink- before the lights come back on, and you realize I'm not half as handsome as you take me for? Please.
I'll catch you later, gary.
Okay, yeah.
Sure.
Just getting more limes.
Ben look, you don't have to pretend that you're not flirting with other guys.
Are you sure you're okay with this? I said I'm okay with it, right? I'm okay.
Living together and dating other people till we figure it out feels you know, weird.
Well, I'm not dating other people.
Oh! Hi.
You ready to go? You know with the whole power outage thing, I thought - I should stay in tonight.
- Awesome.
Maybe a little, uh, jigsaw puzzle, perhaps? Alone.
Okay.
So no-no date tonight? Not tonight.
Okay.
But, ahem not okay.
Uh, did I do something wrong or say something? Was it the ceramic cats? 'Cause seriously, ceramic cats huge.
We're probably moving too fast.
And who knows? Maybe we've already screwed this up.
Do you really think that? Marin does.
She does? 'Cause she set us up.
I know.
So I'll see you around? Uh - seahawks down by 6.
- Ah.
Okay, see? You can still hear the game.
Yeah, we could also make buttons out of rocks, but you don't see us doing that either, do you? - You're a hop-skip from the natives chasing you out of town with torches.
- I know! Wanna know a secret? I don't care about the seahawks game.
Me, either.
- I don't usually do this.
- Yeah.
I don't know why.
It's-it's, uh, it's great, but totally not me.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm taking my power back - uh-huh.
And-and this is great.
- But this is slutty, isn't it? - No, no, no.
No slut.
- Mmm, I'm a powerful slut and mmm, good kisser.
Okay, and and, um I can't do this.
- you can't? - Oh, I am so sorry.
I thought I could.
You're lovely.
what guy doesn't wanna hear that? I don't feel powerful.
I feel pathetic.
this is where I leave, right? You can't walk back without any lights out there.
Oh.
Sleep here.
- Okay.
- okay.
Good night.
oh, I'm kind of drunk.
Well, kinda-drunk, almost-slut.
hey, are you ready? Hey, bro.
- I didn't know that was your brother.
- No problem.
- I never would've - I don't care who you sleep with.
- It's none of my business.
- Oh, I didn't sleep with him.
I mean, I slept with him, but I didn't sleep with him.
Hey, seriously, I don't know you.
You don't have to explain anything.
Good day for fishing.
Well, you could've told me that the family you were visiting was jack.
I didn't know you knew him.
And besides.
.
we were drunk.
Oh, we were not that drunk! Um, I'm gonna hop in the shower.
I'm taking off right after we go fishing, so - I hope we get the chance to see each other again.
- Oh.
I'll, uh, leave you two guys alone.
You do not have to leave us alone! - Did you guys have a thing? -No.
No! No, we did not have a thing.
See, this is the problem with small towns- raccoons follow you around, you can't blow-dry your hair, and everyone is friggin' related! Then just leave.
You're wearing my shirt.
ahem.
I was, uh you thought I'd be gone.
Theresa said you'd be at work.
She left a while ago.
- I'll get out of here.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
I'm gonna make some breakfast.
You want breakfast? No, I'm good.
I'm making eggs.
You like scrambled? Um okay, sure.
Toast? so you're pissed 'cause I brought a girl back? I'm not pissed not just any girl - I know her.
Oh, so you're pissed because I brought that girl back.
Wouldn't kill you to bring a girl home help you to get over things.
Hey, you wanna use dad's reel today? Yeah, I'll use dad's reel.
Between worlds so the people ask her power killer you, too? this town turns faster than 4-day-old milk.
- Here's your breakfast.
-Oh.
Yeah, I made muffins on the fire 'cause the power's still out, and the solar panels only give enough juice to run the answering machine and the bug zapper.
I'm really upset, so you're gonna have to help yourself.
Patrick, what's the matter? Uh, annie won't see me anymore.
- Ask me why.
- Why? Well, because of you.
You told her not to move so fast, and maybe it's just like a big mistake.
- I didn't mean she should break up with you.
- Well, she did.
You have no idea the power you have, do you? You can tell her to jump off a bridge, and she would if there was a bridge in elmo.
No one should be listening to me.
Great idea, two books and "the view" ago! I will talk to her for yo- and tell her what, that she should just give up, and start having random sex with guys she meets in bars 'cause there's no such thing as real love? I did not sleep with him! And how do you even know about that already? Just because you don't believe in yourself anymore doesn't allow you to take away everyone else's hope.
Oh, patrick, I wanna believe.
I- I-I wanna believe in hope and love and-and huge romantic gestures.
I want you to give annie a whole field full of flowers.
I wanna believe that what I wrote is true.
I- I-I just am not sure it's true for me anymore.
I feel like I don't know you anymore.
Well, technically, you've only known me for a week.
You're gonna go back to new york, aren't you? You know, even if I did go back, you and I could still be friends.
Really? mmm, you make a mean muffin.
Hi, it's graham calling for marin frist.
I can't reach her on her cell.
If you could just tell her okay, tell her I just- I really need to talk to her.
I made a mistake, and I love her.
Tell her I called, okay? you like to read the paper in the morning? Yeah, sometimes.
Hang on, I'll be right back.
this must have come off your truck.
And every time that we well, it's a refreshing day when people are talking more about you more than about me.
I didn't sleep with him.
Hey, I don't judge.
Mm-hmm, I once had a crush on ian growing up.
He seemed like a guy that was going places.
Please, I didn't sleep with him either.
Doesn't this town have anything better to do than gossip about me? Normally, they'd be talking about the game.
- my ex-fiance called.
- Oh.
- Try to keep that to yourself.
- You got it.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I was supposed to sleep with ian to get my power back, and instead, I made the power go out.
I'm powerless.
But your hair still looks good.
My dress comes back, my books come back.
How am I supposed to get over graham if the universe keeps bringing my past back to me? I got something that might help you.
This is a sweat lodge.
We use it to sweat out our toxic thoughts and come to clarity.
So you think I could just sweat graham out of me? It's worth a shot.
Oh.
It's kind of like a new york spa except I'm sitting in the dirt, and it smells like old meat.
You! Hi, I'm, uh, marin frist.
I know who you are- you made the power go out.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Don't touch the ladle.
Uh, excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be all loving and new agey? Not when I can't use my air popper.
It was movie night on the reservation.
what, am I supposed to beat myself senseless with this? That's the talking stick.
When you hold it, you can talk.
Oh, good, 'cause I have some things to say.
This whole town seems to be breaking up with me- even the raccoon- so maybe I should just break up with elmo first.
Feel free.
is that why you wanna go back to him - because it's easy? - Uh, doesn't she need the stick first? - No.
I don't know what I want.
How could I have been so stupid to not see that he was cheating? Men cheat all the time.
I know-I'm the one they cheat with.
It was my job to see the signs, to help people drive to happiness.
Maybe he was in your blind spot.
Maybe I just wanted to be in love.
Do you have any bottled water? Go back to the big city.
You could just say "no"! What is with the men in this town anyway? And that jack- jack slattery.
What's his problem? Seriously, what is up with that guy anyway? what? - Sweat's working.
You're already talking about another guy.
- Oh.
- What is is? - Tobacco.
- You burn it on the rocks.
- Mmm.
Throw it.
Okay, gramps, I'm goin'.
- Hey, that's my truck! - Parked in a red zone! But what what? My clothes are in the front seat! You're looking at another 500 bucks for indecent exposure.
Get-get away from the ve- step away from the vehicle! Step away.
go ahead, stare at me.
Stare at me and talk behind back.
Well, I'll just say it right to you.
I am so over this town.
I just chased my truck halfway to juneau.
I'm sorry I blew out your power.
I'm sorry about your game.
I just wanna get a bottle of water, so if you'll just give me a minute, I'll be out of here, and you can all go back to talking about me - and what a big floozy I am.
- Marin.
And I'm sorry about your brother, but I did not know it was your brother.
- Marin- - hold on, and P.
S.
- If I did sleep with some guy, not one of you can judge me, since apparently, sleeping people out of your lives has been something you men - have been doing for centuries.
- Marin.
- What? - Hi.
Graham.
If you got the flowers or the message so you sent yourself.
It wasn't easy.
I had to take three flights and a boat and this puddle jumper with some crazy guy named buzz.
Beats "graham.
" Excuse me, we're trying to have a private conversation.
Yeah, not gonna happen.
Bar meet graham.
go to it, graham.
Marin, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I royally screwed up.
I miss you.
I'm not sure that I can ask you to forgive me, but I guess that's what I'm asking.
I'm sorry, but it's really lovely, but I'm really depressed.
I need my light machine back.
Can you forgive me? Maybe I could.
But then, I would never be able to forgive myself.
Graham, so much of who you are is what I wanted.
But there was a part of me- this part in my gut- that knew it wasn't everything, that I wasn't everything I could be with you.
I think what I'm saying is that I gotta I gotta figure out what my gut is really saying.
Is this because of that other guy? - I didn't sleep with anyone.
- I know.
You do? Yeah, you would never do anything insanely self-destructive like that.
I do that.
You stay stable.
That's why I love you.
You're the stable to my crazy.
She's stable? What if I wanted to be the crazy one for once? Oh, marin, come on.
Your "crazy" is having one too many margaritas, and buying overpriced olive oil.
You don't think I could do something crazier than olive oil, like stay here? Maybe if it was rome or london, but come on, you're telling me there's something worth staying for in this nowhere town? I love you, marin, and I know you love me too much to sleep with someone else.
Come home and marry me.
I slept with her.
I slept with her.
Me, too.
Three times.
We had a little, you know yeah, I'm gonna stay.
- hey! - the lights are on.
Look at that the power's back.
- where are you taking me? - Just wait.
- it's beautiful.
- Yeah, it was marin's idea.
Well I guess she still gets some things right, huh? you know I'm gonna be waiting for you.
I don't recommend it.
let's go, city boy.
don't get cold.
- it's a wedding cake, miss B.
- Yeah, I know.
You're getting married? - I'm not the wedding type.
- Yeah, I didn't think so.
And it's all 'cause of you all 'cause of you yeah - is he gone? - Yep.
Was a nice thing you guys did.
Thanks.
- we take care of our own.
- That's right.
So admit it- you are starting to like me.
A little.
It's just a good thing them seahawks won.
Otherwise, you'd be on that plane with your, uh, cracker.
hey, ben, how about a nice, big glass of tap? hey.
Thanks.
It's no problem.
So how was I in bed? I don't kiss and tell.
you didn't want me to leave, did you? You yeah, you give us something to talk about.
You know, I want that shirt back.
so I guess there's no easy way to move on from a relationship.
You can't flip a switch and suddenly be over it because the road really is full of hidden potholes.
You can try staying in the relationship.
You can stay home and dream of the perfect, unobtainable one.
But in the end, it just takes time and some alaskan tap water and the help of a town full of good men.
thanks for sleeping with me, elmo.