Merry Happy Whatever (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1 - Oh, hi.
- Hey.
Did you sleep okay? I know it's kind of cramped in that spare room with the boxes of every appliance my dad ever owned.
Yeah.
Full disclosure, I got lonely in the middle of the night and spooned a Bowflex box.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh! Morning, sleepy-heads.
Eggies coming up! Yeah? Oh, everyone's here.
Again.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
Mmm.
We were just discussing our plans for caroling tonight.
- [KAYLA.]
Yeah! - The best night of the year.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, and Christmas Eve.
And Christmas.
And last night was pretty fun.
Wow, caroling.
I, uh I didn't think people actually did that anymore.
They don't.
That's why we do it.
Oh, actually, Matt's not gonna be able to join us.
He just got asked to be the opener to the opener for this band, Hopalong, playing in Philly tonight.
[POSITIVE MURMURS.]
- Is the rest of the band in town? - No, it's just me.
The other Monkey Diplomats are back in LA.
They're still batting names around.
Anyway, tonight will be a great chance for Matt to showcase his solo stuff.
[DON.]
Oh.
So you're blowing off caroling with the family? I'm really sorry to miss it, but this gig could be a big opportunity for me.
It's not exactly like you're opening for Springsteen, who's opening for Sinatra, but Okay.
Hey, Emmy.
- Remember - I know.
Your friend Ted is coming by to talk to me about his company today.
This is not just any company.
One of the biggest firms in Philadelphia.
A Fortune 500.
So is the company I work for in LA.
But LA doesn't have us.
[LAUGHS.]
- Oh, I know.
- [DON CHUCKLES.]
- You weren't eating it, so I took it.
- But I You're You're - Stop it.
- [DONNY GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, babe, off to work.
Busy day.
Take me with you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just kidding.
But please take me with you.
Thanks for breakfast, Pats.
You got a way with an egg.
- Oh, thanks.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Not all eggs, apparently.
So Sorry, it's just, you know, we're trying to get pregnant.
So maybe avoid any mention of eggs, or babies, or mommies.
Caesar 'cause of cesarean.
Lego 'cause it rhymes with preggo.
[CHUCKLES.]
You get it.
You got a name for that guy yet? Why bother? At some point it'll just end up like my marriage.
Belly-up.
[DON.]
Aww.
Hey.
Would you consider taking charge of caroling this year? Hmm? Organizing the music.
Keeping us all in line.
You do have the best voice in the entire family.
No, I don't.
[DON LAUGHS.]
Mom used to do it, but you know, we've gotten kind of sloppy lately.
So would I be like Quinn Caroling Captain? Well, we don't have to put a name to it Quinn Caroling Captain.
8:40.
This is gonna be a day.
[SIGHS.]
So, I told Emmy that I had to buy guitar strings for my show tonight.
She totally fell for it.
[LAUGHS.]
I also do need to buy guitar strings.
So she fell for the truth.
Okay, newbie.
What's your big plan? Oh, you mean Operation Get Don and Nancy Together, so that Don will loosen up and give me his blessing to marry Emmy? If it'll keep this moving, then sure.
Okay.
So Don likes Nancy, but he's too uptight to act on it.
So I'm thinking I talk to him about his feelings.
Get him to open up and convince him to get back out there.
You're gonna talk to Don about his feelings? Are you gonna do that while you braid his hair? [TODD AND JOY LAUGH.]
Or as you both eat you way to the middle of a long noodle? [TODD LAUGHS.]
Yeah, but he's not wrong that Don and Nancy like each other.
And don't like Matt.
Nancy doesn't like me? Oh, yeah.
No.
[TODD LAUGHS.]
Yeah, when you fainted at the ER, she said a bunch of mean stuff.
[TODD AND JOY LAUGH.]
- Funny though.
- [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
[JOY.]
And Don was eating it up.
It was like making fun of you brought them closer.
Yeah.
Okay, so how do we get them back together and recreate that fun "we hate Matt" vibe? [LAUGHS.]
Well, that's the kind of company D&P Financial is.
I mean, like yesterday, I got to announce my division's Christmas bonuses.
Some people cried, some people jumped up and down, one guy fell down the stairs.
We have great health insurance though, so it's fine.
[SLIGHT CHUCKLE.]
Listen, uh, Mr.
Boseman, I really appreciate you coming by today.
I'm I'm sure you're super busy, and I've got all this family stuff I have to do, - so - Wait, wait! I can't let you walk out of here and tell your dad that I didn't ask you to be my new VP of client accounts.
But, you know, family [CHUCKLES.]
They're not going anywhere.
[TED.]
Well Yeah, we just moved to a new office down on Fourth Street.
- [KAYLA CLEARS THROAT.]
- Ooh! This is such a doozy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you spying on Emmy's meeting? - No.
I was just - It's fine.
I don't care.
Listen, we need to talk about your caroling route.
It is all over the place.
As Quinn Caroling Captain, - I might have to make some changes.
- Whatever you want, honey.
Great.
Here's the new route.
I laminated it.
You know, I wonder if Don would ever consider doing a holiday song from my childhood, you know? Like "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
We have fun.
- Hey.
- [JOY.]
Mmm.
Isn't that Sean out there? No, he's at work.
Wait, that is him.
Why is he going into a movie? Hey! What are you doing? Oh, you're sitting in your office? At work? Girl Well, then I'll let you get back to work.
I love you, too.
Ooh, maybe he's having an affair.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said it like that.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Ooh, what a doozy! What a doozy.
What a Oh, it's you.
I would, uh love to hang out with you and puzz it up.
But [EXHALES.]
I have a terrible headache.
Ugh.
Hmm, I wonder if, uh I'm having lingering concussion symptoms from my fall yesterday.
Hmm.
Maybe [INHALES.]
you should take me back to the urgent care.
You're fine.
Sleep it off.
[SCOFFS.]
Oh, gosh.
I think they say that's the worse thing to do.
Then stay awake.
Go for a run.
I don't know.
You know what? Maybe I'll have Emmy take me down there.
- I know she's in that meeting - No.
Hey! Don't interrupt her.
- Well, I'll just be - No.
I'll take you myself.
Go.
But if you say "puzz it up" one more time, you're really gonna need a hospital.
There he is.
My working man home from work.
Nothing more rewarding than a hard day's work.
All work and no play makes Sean - Okay, I wasn't at work.
- Just admit it! Oh, you did that faster than I thought.
The reason that I [INHALES.]
wasn't at work is because I got I got laid off.
- What? - Oh, man! Whoo! It feels so good to get that out.
I've been holding on to it for weeks.
Weeks? Why didn't you tell me? Well, I was gonna tell you the day it happened, but I didn't want to spoil Christmas.
Oh, babe.
Your dad's gonna do that.
I'm sorry.
Every morning I'd wake up and think, "Today's the day I'm gonna tell her," but instead I'd pretend to go to work and just kill time at the movies.
Turns out I like rom-coms, so that's something.
What are you two doing back here? Don, did you push him off the roof again? [DON AND NANCY LAUGH.]
No.
This one.
- He's got a headache.
- [SLIGHT GROAN.]
I'm a handful.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, concussion symptoms can often be delayed.
Well, who knew? [CHUCKLES.]
Ah.
Shouldn't we all go inside and examine me? Um, my shift is over, but they can help you inside.
Always good to see you, Don.
- You too.
- Uh, wait! Stop! Um, please don't go.
[CHUCKLES.]
I am afraid of hospitals.
Yeah, I know.
A guy like me, afraid.
What? But you just kept me so calm last night.
Can you just take a quick look? You know, right now? [CHUCKLES.]
This is what I've been dealing with.
Okay, let's see what's going on.
Oh, Nancy [CHUCKLES.]
You're such an angel.
You're not so bad yourself.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Aww.
Ow! I need you up here Why aren't you meeting me up here? I I feel like I am You're definitely not - Here, here, here - Hey.
- Uh, do you guys mind taking a break? - Oh, yes, please.
You have two minutes.
Okay, so you know that meeting that Dad set up for me? Well, the guy offered me a job.
Like, a really, really good job.
A job I'm not on track to get at my firm in LA for, like, five more years.
Yay! Emmy's coming home.
[GASPS.]
The Three Sisketeers? Huh? Well, would that be fair to Matt? I mean, he has a career too.
His band's there.
So Matt could just start a band here.
Or you could just take the job and kick Matt to the curb.
We could be single together.
[GASPS.]
Ooh.
We can get tattoos.
Wait! What am I even talking about? Matt and I are a team.
I love him and our life in LA.
Nothing changes that.
I'm gonna say no to the job.
Oh.
I was already picturing you being back home.
- Patsy, stop.
- I know, she's got to live her own No, her time's up.
Now meet me up here Or you're staying home tonight Okay [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, I used to go to all the Eagles games, but the fans [SCOFFS.]
they just got too rowdy.
I mean, who throws snowballs at Santa Claus? - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
- [DON LAUGHS.]
In my defense, we were losing and he was acting way too jolly.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Juice Box, how you feeling? Uh, much better, thanks to your magical touch.
Where'd you go to nursing school? Hogwarts? [LAUGHS.]
Ooh.
He's starting to grow on me, Don.
[DON SIGHS.]
Don's not super thrilled that his daughter's dating a musician.
No.
I'm not super thrilled that my daughter is dating a struggling musician.
- You know, my dad was a musician.
- Oh? He struggled sometimes, but it didn't make him less of a father or husband.
Oh.
Well, yeah, it's just that I love my daughter and I I just want her to be with the best.
Which could never be a musician.
Struggling.
Yeah.
You are.
- [STAMMERS.]
Nancy, you don't get what I - No.
I guess I don't.
They can help you inside, Matt.
My shift's over.
Oh, um, wait! Stop.
Um Uh, go back to focusing on me.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm experiencing forgetfulness, or am I? I I I don't remember.
[CHUCKLES.]
Classic concussion.
[DON GROANS.]
- Hey, Poppy Don, when's the pizza coming? - Any minute, kiddo.
Oh, I-I was heating up some lasagna.
Oh, Pats, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know you had something in the oven.
Well, I do.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I don't.
"Something in the oven?" Do you even hear yourself? Sir? Hey, Em.
So, how'd it go? - Dad.
- Mm-hmm.
I heard your nose whistling when you were spying in the pass-through.
No, no, I-I wasn't spying.
I was, uh puzzing it up.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Pizza! Pizza! [DEEP VOICE.]
Pizza! Mmm, pizza! [CHUCKLES.]
Pizza's for people who didn't bail on caroling, Juice Box.
You can eat at your gig.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Sean, pay the man, will you? I don't have any cash on me.
No problem, Pop.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I'll give him a big tip.
Gotta look out for those people out there working who aren't as blessed as us.
Keep the change, my man.
Actually here's a little extra because my cuppeth is running over.
And the Oscar for over-tipping to show your dad you definitely haven't lost your job goes to - All right.
- Sean, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
It happens.
Not to a Quinn.
You know how my dad is.
If a man doesn't provide for his family, he's not a real man.
Sorry, forgot your garlic knots.
Also, here's your tip back.
You need it more than I do.
I can't believe you screwed up our plan.
- I can.
- Yeah, I can too.
[SIGHS.]
Nancy ended up mad at Don, and Don blames me, so now I'm worse off than before.
[INHALES.]
I got to do something to turn this thing around.
Oh! Kayla's coming down the hallway Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Wow, you're actually not terrible.
Too bad you have your gig tonight.
Todd, Joy, there's no shame in mouthing the words.
- [ALL CHATTERING.]
- and give you some.
[DON CLEARS THROAT.]
- You can finish this.
- You guys! You guys! Cheese causes mucus.
Mucus causes bad caroling, which causes me and Jesus to be disappointed.
And only one of us forgives.
Hey, everybody.
Fun announcement alert.
[IMITATES TRUMPET TOOTING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, um I canceled my gig so that I could join you guys for a magical night of caroling.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Oh, cool.
Hmm.
Fine.
You can have one slice of pizza.
Hey, wait.
You You canceled it? I thought it was such a great opportunity.
Ah, it's just a gig.
Why sing in front of all those strangers when I could sing with you guys? To different strangers.
Ooh! I'll bring my guitar.
[MATT CHUCKLES.]
You guys, I can't believe Matt's bailing on his show.
He wants to spend time with my family? I mean, that's nice, but we're here for, like, ten days.
- It's endless.
- ly fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, continue.
Sometimes I wonder if Matt's taking his career as seriously as I take mine.
I mean why am I passing up a great job offer if he's just bailing on gigs? [SIGHS.]
Maybe you guys were right.
Maybe I should consider it.
Tattoos.
- Oh, jingle bells - [PLAYS GUITAR.]
Jingle bells Jingle all the way Hmm? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
How was your meeting today? It was, uh fine.
Yeah.
Just as I expected.
Nothing to report.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Caroling! Caroling! - [DEEP VOICE.]
Caroling! - Jingle bells! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Whoo! [APPLAUDS.]
No.
Hark! The herald angels sing Glory to the newborn King Glory to the newborn King - [MAN APPLAUDS.]
- Merry Christmas! [ALL.]
Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! - [MATT CHUCKLES.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I am so glad I decided to do this.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
Me too.
Hey, Pats, wait up.
Wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world, Mr.
Quinn.
Nobody carols with a guitar.
Your dad's in a good mood, singing his heart out.
Maybe it's a good time to mention the whole job thing.
Actually, I was gonna tell him tomorrow, but I don't want to ruin the Eagles game.
And then it's Christmas.
This just seems like a "next year" thing.
All this tiptoeing around your dad.
Do you want your kids to be afraid to tell you what's going on in their lives? Okay, I'm gonna call that last house a rehearsal.
And Todd, I'm gonna call you an Uber if you don't step it up.
[RINGS DOORBELL.]
Hey.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.
- I just wish you cared about your career.
- What the We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year - [DON LAUGHS.]
- [KAYLA.]
Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
So I don't believe in my career? Is this because I canceled that gig? [SIGHS.]
I mean, kinda.
All you ever talk about is how you want more gigs, and then you get a big one and you just blew it off.
- To be with your family.
- Okay, but it's it's not just tonight.
Like, sometimes I feel like this in LA too.
Like maybe you're not trying as hard as you could be.
- What are you talking about? - [SIGHS.]
We play Molly Malone's every Thursday.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Most Thursdays.
Some Thursdays.
Hey.
No stragglers.
And Matt, if you step on my solo again, I'm gonna step on your face.
Ho ho ho.
[INHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
Looks like Las Vegas.
- Dad, hey, uh - Hey.
I gotta tell you something.
I know.
I gave Kayla too much power.
No.
I mean, yeah, but I lost my job.
Don't worry.
I've already been looking for a new one for three weeks.
You've been out of a job for three weeks? Are you kidding me? Yes? [SIGHS.]
I just sometimes feel like the guys in your band are holding you back.
I mean, you have to admit Kurt and Ricky do not contribute much.
Not true.
We keep all the equipment in Kurt's garage.
Kurt's mom's garage.
Which he lives in with Ricky.
I just didn't realize how many carols mention baby Jesus.
I know.
It's like, you know, Mary was fertile.
- Yeah, we get it.
- Yeah.
I am counting to three and then I am ringing the bell, people! Get it together! Why didn't you say something earlier? Because of this.
I knew I'd get this from you.
And what I need to hear is, "It'll be okay, son.
" Which is what I'll tell my kids when they have a problem, because they won't be afraid to talk to their dad.
- [EMMY.]
I don't know what you guys - Yeah, no.
Give us a second.
You call yourselves carolers? Hey? Can you just take it down a notch? No.
No, I'm sorry, but [SIGHS.]
Look I've had a rough couple of days.
And, I don't know I just wanted tonight to be perfect.
To remind me of happier times.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I just [INHALES DEEPLY.]
I know you can go so far.
I'm not anti band.
I'm just pro you.
I didn't want to cancel that gig, but I have to do everything I can to get your dad to like me.
Because I love you.
Hey.
Hey, uh [EXHALES.]
Your mom was a lot better at these things than me, uh But if it means anything, I mean I'm a marshmallow compared to the way your grandfather raised me.
I sort of remember him complaining about Italians and making people drop and give him 20.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
But, uh, I'm doing better than him.
And you're doing better than me.
I'm proud of you.
And whatever happens with your job it's gonna be okay.
Okay.
[DON GRUNTS.]
[EXHALES.]
- Thanks, Dad.
- Yeah.
[PATSY CRIES.]
- Todd, I swear I don't know what I said.
- [PATSY.]
No, no, no.
- These are happy tears.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, thank goodness.
I thought I said something about babies - or wombs.
- Yeah, K Kayla, doorbell, please.
Ring it.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[KAYLA.]
One, two, three.
Joy to the world, the Lord is come Let earth receive her King Let every heart Prepare Him room - And Heaven and nature sing - Heaven and nature sing - And Heaven and nature sing - Heaven and nature sing And Heaven, and Heaven And nature sing - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! - Good night.
- Merry Christmas.
Good.
Not great.
Oh! - Good night, Dad.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Good night.
- Sweet dreams, honey.
- Thanks.
[DON CHUCKLES.]
[DON INHALES.]
- Great night caroling together, Don.
- [GROANS.]
[MATT CHUCKLES.]
Mr.
Quinn.
[CHUCKLES.]
Officer Don Quinn.
[CHUCKLES.]
We [SPORTS GAME PLAYS INDISTINCTLY ON TV.]
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
[SIGHS.]
[INHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
Hey, Nancy.
It's Don.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Um, anyway Uh, darn.
Um, I was hoping you'd pick up.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INHALES.]
Uh, anyway, I was, uh, calling 'cause I wanted to, uh apologize for what happened earlier.
I don't want things to be awkward the next time I see you there at the ER.
[INHALES.]
Or, uh I don't know, maybe some place outside the ER or Um Okay.
Bye then.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, uh Uh, did I say it's Don? Don, uh, Quinn.
Officer Don Quinn.
I'm such a dork.