Mind Your Language (1977) s01e02 Episode Script

- Excuse me young man - Si senora - Are you in Mr.
Brown's class? - Por favore Mr.
Brown's class! Brown! Mr.
Brown Ah si! Juan Cervantes Yes, but are you in Mr.
Brown's class? - English as a foreign language? - Por favore? Are you really as stupid as you look? Excuse me You are in Mr.
Brown's class, aren't you? Are you or aren't you? - Doesn't Mr.
Brown teach you anything? - Por favore? - You - Yes please Missy Can l be assisting you in any way whatsoever? At last a breakthrough - Are you in Mr.
Brown's class? - No, l'm in corridor - Do you think you could give him a message - Certainly - l am Miss Courtney - l am Ranjeet Singh Just at this particularl moment, l'm not really bothered in who you are l just want you to give Mr.
Brown a message l will be very happy to comply with your request Would you tell Mr.
Brown l would like a word with him Most certainly Which word would you like? Just say l want to speak to him Foreigners! Quiet please! Settle down! Good evening So we appear to be some missing l hope they haven't dropped out Please it would not be surprising me l am always thinking that Sikh, son of Guru, was a Punjabi drop out l am hearing what you are saying, you miserable spawn of ajackal Don't you two start again! Actually, you're late A thousand apologies for this unforgivable tardiness But we were all unavoidably detained in the corridor by a lady Si, si Do l take it Juan that you understood what Ranjeet was saying? - Por favor? - Sorry i asked Who was this lady who detained you in the corridor? Oh blimey! l am forgetting her name She was big lady.
Very large bosoms Grandioso, very good! Yes, well while you are trying to remember her name, perhaps you'd better sit down Now l hope you've all done your homework Excuse me please! l am remembering the name! Missy Courtney - Miss Courtney - Yes absolutely The lady with the large bosoms - She is wanting to see you - Well, she'll just have to wait Excuse me please! She is already waiting She may be the principal but l have a class to teach! Now as l was saying Ah Miss large Miss Courtney - l was just on my way to see you actually - That's not the impression l got - l shan't be a moment class - lt's all right, don't bother l'm here only to tell you that you can expect another student - Jolly good! The more the merrier - You're not here to make merry Mr.
Brown No, it was just a figure of speech You'd better try to teach a few figures of speech to your students - They seem to be in need of it - l'm doing my best - Miss Courtney? - Yes This new student! What nationality can l expect? - African - African! Thank you Remember, i asked you to write an essay or short story about your life here in England l hope you've all done so, have you? Good, good! l'll go round the class and ask each of you to read out what you've written Anna, should we start with you? - My life in England by Anna Schmidt - Good! Very good - Yeah but go on - There's no more - You mean that's all there is? - Ya l half no time to write more! Always that Mrs.
Valker is keeping me busy Anna do this - Anna do that! She is a slavedriver that Mrs Valker - Walker - Vat? W is pronounced 'Weh'! Your employer's name is Walker Ya, Valker Do you know how many shirts Mrs Valker make me iron last night? - Walker - Ya Valker Twelve! Then l had to prepare a meal for the bitch Anna, she may be a hard taskmistress but l don't think you ought to call her that - Who? - Mrs.
Valker Walker - l vas meaning the dog bitch - Oh l see That is vy l am having no time for the homework Well, not to worry! You really must concentrate on those 'double u' sounds Danielle, would you like to read us your essay? Oui What l like about England! By Mamselle Danielle Favre Telephone 2468021 Good! Carry on! - Scusi - Yes, Giovanni? Was it 8021 or 8012? 8021 ! Look, never mind what number it was You're here to improve your English not chat up other students You are absolutely right Professori! lt's just l'd like to improve my French as well You can do that in your own time - Carry on Danielle - Zank you l like England because ze grass is so green, and ze pople are so nice - People - Yes Especially ze men Quiet! Quiet Englishmen are so charming, so handsome and so sexy Silence please Yeah, l think that will do Danielle But l have written much more all about the things l like to do at night Yes well, l don't think we'd better go into those l'll be reading all your essays later Jamila l don't suppose you've written anything, have you? Written anything? - No - No You really must start to speak a little, Jamila Speak No, no! ln English! You must try to speak in English Look! Try saying Good evening All right, lets start with 'good'! Good, Good lt's not difficult! Come on! Good, Good You nearly said it then! Come on! Good Please! No prompting Gud Excellent! Well done Now try 'evening'! Evening! lt's not difficult Jamila! Go on! Evening Yes, yes! Come on Gud! l know you can say 'good'! Say 'evening'! Evening Efening! Efening! Efening - Good - Efening Now put them both together! Good evening Gud efening Good efening Very good Jamila Well done We'll try some new words later - Now Su-Lee, have you written anything? - Yes, yes What l rike about England England is becoming more porriticarry minded and gladually more reft wing The overthlow of decadent capitaristic government will soon take prace As working crasses become more educated And emblace Communism as the tlue way of rife Workers levolution getting nealer With inevitable corrapse of lmpeliaristic bougoise interrectual society Yes! Well if thats what you like about England l wouldn't want to hear what you didn't like - Excuse pleaso - Yes Taro May l have small observations on youngo radies discourse Which will also irrustrate incleased knowledge of Engrisho - Certainly Taro! Go ahead - With lespecto Youngo rady speak road of cobras Attitude typical of Fascist Nipponese Japan civilised countly noto rike China lun by peasanto - Chinese not peasants - Japanese not Fascisto Su Lee! Su Lee! Come back Taro, please go and apologize - Apologize? - Yes Noto my faulto Never mind whose faulto it was! Go and apologize Ah prease Waito Waito Waito - Mrs.
Courtney - Miss l'm Roger Kenyon from the Education Authority l was told they were sending an inspector round - But l really didn't expect - He would be black - He would be so young - My apologies But the authority likes to check that the standards of the evening classes are up to par l can assure you that my standards here are well over par l'm glad to hear it Well Mr.
Kenyon, if you'd like to come with me, l'll show you round No, no please! l'd ratherjust wander around on my own, if you don't mind l usually get a much clearer picture that way - Everything all right? - Everything's okay - We have agleed to differ - Good - Excuse me - Ah, our new African - Pardon? - Yeah, l've been expecting you - Me? - Yes, l was told l'd have a new pupil Look, it's nearly time for our tea break So why don't you just sit at the back for a moment, and l'll get your particulars later - But please - Be a good chap! Don't argue, just sit down - All right? - Yes, but - Sit? - Yes please O.
K.
Me sit! There you are! 10 p! Thank you, that's it Next! - You sitta here - Merci - l get coffee - Merci - Coffee black? - Sank you please Coffee black - l'm gettada coffee for Danielle - Too bad - Sugar? - Merci How about a biscuit? You like a biscuit? - l would like that! - Good l'll be back A packet of biscuits, please Wait your turn! There's a queue here! Go on Next Gud efening - Yes, good evening! or coffee? - Gud efening l heard you the first time! Tea or coffee? - Char - Ah, tea - Ten p.
- Gud efening - Ten P.
- l'll pay for that - And a coffee for me - And a coffee for you - Are you Mr.
Brown? - Yes l've got a message for you from her ladyship - Lady who? - Miss Courtney! She's just been in here! She wants to see you - l know what she does want - Yes, Mr.
Brown? You want to see me ln my office! Lmmediately - Careful, thats coffee! You'll spill it - Por favore? - That's coffee! - Gracias - Same again, please - Here you go Mr.
Brown - Thanks - Thank you - A packet of biscuits, please! - l'm sorry, we haven't any left Good! You've come to have a cup of coffee? - Coffee? - Yes! Coffee, this stuff Thank you Enter lt has taken you 2 min 38 sec exactly to come to my office immediately l'm glad l didn't ask you to take your time l'm sorry! l was detained l thought l'd better tell you that an inspector has arrived - Well my conscience is clear - l beg your pardon? Apart from the odd parking ticket, l've never been in any trouble with the police - An education inspector - Oh, l'm sorry! How stupid of me Yes! Well he'll probably want to call in on your class Don't worry, l'll deal with him You don't deal with inspectors from the local authority, Mr.
Brown You cossett them, flatter them and agree with everything they say Yes, l'll do that as well - l expect he'll want to see your register - My register? - You do have a register? - Oh, that register! Yes of course You'd better call it as soon as you get back to your class By the way while you're here The local authorities want me to fill in a few details about you on this form - l've got your name - Yes - Address - yes - Sex - Occasionally - Sorry - Married? No, l was engaged once! As a matter of fact, l proposed marriage but it didn't really work out There was quite a lot of opposition - Her father? - No, her husband l didn't realize she was married - What do you do during the day? - Nothing at the moment, l'm afraid - l'm waiting for a suitable position - And what was your last position? l was teaching at a secondary modern school but l left l couldn't stand any more beatings l didn't think teachers beat children any more They don't! lt was the other way round l think you'd better take this form, fill it in yourself and give it to me later Right And do be careful what you say to the lnspector Of course! Oh, by the way the new student has arrived You wouldn't forget to add the name to the register, would you? Danielle, what you do hafter class? - l go back home to learn ze English - Hey l'm going to learn English as well Maybe we learn together - Yes but what about poor Max? - Yeah What about the poor Max? l'm crying my eyes out - l have an idea - l have lots of ideas Why not you and Max study together? All right class! Settle down please! Quiet! Now, the first thing we have to do before anything else is to call the register - Sorry - That's quite all right l expect you'll have a bit of difficulty finding your way round at first Things will seem rather strange - Yes, very strange - Yes lt must be quite a change coming from one of the under-developed countries To our more advanced way of life - Oh yes - Still, your people are doing remarkably well - Did you fly here? - Fly? What do you mean, Bwana? Fly! ln a big iron bird Quite a change from riding an elephant Unless you came by Jumbo - English joke - Very funny Perhaps you'd better sit down Now, l'm gonna call out your names - Will you please answer present - Present Yes Ali, but wait until l call your name out Sorry please - Ranjeet Singh - Present and correct please - Giovanni Cuppello - Si proffessori - No Giovanni! Not proffessori - No proffessori No, you should address me as Sir - Sir - yes Now l understand You have been togetta knotted Come again To become a Sir! You got Knotteda by the queen The word is knighted! And l'm not that kind of sir Maximillian Papandrious Maximillian Papandrious - Mr.
Brown is speaking to you - ls he? - Oh sorry, you want something? - Are you here or not? Sure l'm here - Taro Nagazumi - Ah so Plesento - Anna Schmidt - Ja, present - Su Lee Chung - Plesent - Ali Nadim - Gift - Gift? - l'm surprising you, no? Each day l am learning new English word And l am finding that gift is another word for present - Very ingenious - Thank you very much - Danielle Favre - Presente and l'm all here l can see that - Jamila Ranjha - Ranjhi Gud efening - Yes, you're here! And Juan Cervantes - Por favore - Present - Por favore? - You are here - Present l'd better take down your particulars otherwise l may get into hot water You are going to have a hot bath? No Ali, it's just another way of saying l may get into trouble Oh dear! You have been committing some grievous misdemeanour? Not at all! There's an inspector from the local Education Authority coming round - The big boss - Yes l suppose you could say that But from my experience they're usually interfering old fogies - You don't like them? - Not particularly Frankly, they're quite useless and they are as outdated as their teaching methods l mean, what is the point of learning past participles Cognate objects or subordinate clauses? Far more useful to try to teach foreign students how to order a meal or find accommodations - You appear to have some unique ideas - l suppose l have - You know you speak English fairly well - Thank you What is your name? - Roger Kenyon - Roger Kenyon Ah Miss Courtney! l'm just completing the register and getting the details of our new student Before that inspector chappie pokes his nose in Oh, no! - Mr.
Brown - l shan't be a moment Miss Courtney - What is yourjob? - lnspector What local transport? Local Education Authority l thought he was the new student - The new student is a female - ls she? You didn't tell me that My apologies Mr.
Kenyon, l do assure you that Mr.
Brown will be severely dealt with l can't remember when l last enjoyed myself so much - l beg your pardon - Enjoyed yourself? You know Miss Courtney, your Mr.
Brown is a remarkable man - l am? - He is? Yes! His teaching methods may be revolutionary but they appear to work l've always encouraged my staff to be forward thinking l'll pass on your comments to the Authority Perhaps they'll revise their textbooks Now if you'll excuse me, l must put in an appearance at the other classes Very well Keep up the good work, Mr.
Brown and thank you very much for the coffee l'll come with you Mr.
Kenyon Blimey you are dropping a clinker - You mean clanger - Yes please Yes right! Let's continue with our lessons Get out your textbooks! l'm going to give you all a few exercises Scusi professori sir! l cannot do any exercises - Why not? - l gottada bad back Excuse me! l was looking for Ah, at last! A pity you didn't arrive half an hour earlier Why? You might've saved me a great deal of embarrassment With a certain African gentleman Yes, he was the inspector but l mistook him for you - You thought a gentleman was me? - Yes The silly fool pretended to be a student, sit in the back to catch me out But l saw through him l gather you think he was a bit stupid Definitely, thick as a brush - Was his name Mr.
Kenyon? - Yes - Do you know him? - l should do l've come to collect him! l'm his wife! Oh blimey yes!