Miracle Workers (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
13 Days
1 Previously on "Miracle Workers" I want to do more to help.
I will transfer you to the Department of Answered Prayers.
Impossibles go all the way to the top.
And so, if anyone can handle them, he can.
I decided to blow up Earth.
I guess that's it.
If I answer one of these "Impossible" prayers, you spare Earth.
It's a bet.
[POPS LIPS.]
I really like this girl.
Okay, love prayers never work.
But related prayer.
I really like this guy.
Okay.
This could work.
- [DOOR CLOSES, - CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Rosie, if anyone comes looking for me, tell them I'm in a meeting.
With God! - Religion stupid, dangerous, pointless.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Just [BLEEP.]
everything up.
Hey, I got all your missed calls.
- What's the emergency? - MAN: Love you, Bill! Have you heard of this guy Bill Maher? - The talk-show guy? - Yeah.
Do you think he's funny? 'Cause I've been watching his stuff, and I don't know about these jokes.
- You mean the jokes about you? - Oh, no.
I don't care about that.
I mean [SCOFFS.]
No, I just I just don't I don't think he's funny.
So, what do you want to do? Well, I mean, I wasn't thinking about "doing" anything.
I'm just But now that you bring it up, what's that thing that where we can, uh - you know - Kill him? [LAUGHS.]
Whoa! Sanj! Did you just drop the "K" bomb? [LAUGHING.]
Wow! Wouldn't want to get on your bad side, Ice Man.
[LAUGHS.]
Ai-ai-uh-uh! Whoo! Uh! Ooh! Freezer burn.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
But, yeah, kill him.
Okay.
Well, the good news is, Bill Maher's already scheduled to die along with everyone else, when the Earth explodes in 13 days.
You know what's funny, is that, you know how sometimes, like, a day can feel so long? Okay, I'll go find a way to kill him.
Ice Man.
I love you, buddy.
Okay.
[BELL DINGING.]
[SCREAMING.]
- [BOMB TICKING.]
- Okay.
If we're gonna get these humans kissing, - we need to know more about them.
- Right.
First up, we have Laura.
24 years old.
Works at an escape room called "Solitary Confunment.
" Listen up, ya jailbirds.
A couple of ground rules, see? Don't touch the actors, see? And if you're looking for some clues, just ask the warden.
WOMAN: End clip.
What about Sam? What's his deal? So, Sam is also 24 years old.
He was born with extra teeth, and he seems to really love his grandmother.
BOTH: Yahtzee! [ LAUGHS.]
Oh, this might be harder than we thought.
Well, look, neither of them are particularly socially adept.
But I ran a compatibility check, and they scored a 98%.
Whoa! They have so much in common.
They both pretend to text in elevators in order to avoid potential small talk.
They were both accidentally omitted - from their high-school yearbook.
- BOTH: Dang.
They laugh at the same insurance commercial, they cry at the same car commercial, and they sing along incorrectly to the same dumb commercial.
Chewing some gum and having a fun Ooh, they both love gye-ros with extra green onions.
I think it's pronounced "jai-ros" but yes, and they both have matching pollen allergies.
[BOTH SNEEZE.]
No wonder they want to be together.
Unfortunately, they are both so shy that they haven't actually communicated since the night they met.
What are they waiting for? A sign.
[GASPS.]
Cool.
How does it work? We send them subtle clues to gently influence their actions.
- Huh.
- Yeah! Now, on the night they met, they had a fascinating conversation about the game of badminton.
Let's have a listen.
So, I hit the badminton thing with the badminton racket, and I was like, "Badminton's fun.
I think I like badminton.
" Wow.
I-I've never played badminton, but I really want to now.
- You should! - WOMAN: End clip.
They spoke of badminton.
Thus, if we remind them of badminton, they will see it as a sign a call to arms.
Each other's arms, as it were.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
The game begins.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
So, I found some build-up in Bill Maher's left ventricle.
Looks like all we have to do is thicken it up, and he'll have a massive heart attack by end of day.
Wow, that's great, Sanjay! - So we could explode his heart - Mm-hmm.
or his lungs [SOFTLY.]
or his penis.
Explode his penis? [LAUGHING.]
Whoa, Sanjay! Now, that's an idea! - Oh, no.
I don't know if, uh, that's - Rosie! something that Wow, you're not gonna believe this.
Sanjay, tell Rosie your idea about Bill Maher.
About his penis.
I guess, uh my idea is to explode his penis.
- Wow.
- I know.
Ice Man is on the warpath.
[LAUGHS.]
Better go handle that.
So, uh, I guess, uh, we should probably get started.
No.
This is all you.
This is insane! I'm an executive.
Have fun! Gust.
Gust.
Breeze.
Zephyr.
Quarter-breeze.
Updraft.
Yes! Boo-yah! In a mere six hours, I've successfully blown a badminton birdie from a rooftop court all the way to Laura's living room.
That is what I call a sign.
- Mmm.
- What is that? It's a mustard packet.
It's a little treat.
You do something good, you get a little reward.
- Here.
Have one.
- [COMPUTER BEEPING.]
Oh, hello.
Look.
It's happening.
Hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Onto the next sign.
Craig, okay, I've been doing research, and it seems like people never pick up on signs.
Okay? No matter how obvious they are.
Look.
- [ CROWS CAWING.]
- Ooh! 'Tis a crow-y day, indeed.
Well, time for the theater.
This will be a normal night.
See? This badminton thing is not gonna work.
We need to be bolder.
What? Eliza? Out of my way, black cat.
- I'm late for my fun play.
- [ CAT MEOWS.]
Hey, colleagues! Ahh! I'm Sanjay from upstairs.
- Love what you guys do down here.
- Oh, thanks.
Um, we we hardly ever get acknowledged, so Listen, I'm gonna need you to explode Bill Maher's penis.
- What? - It's important.
Um, sir, I-I think there's been a misunderstanding about what we do here in Genitals.
Our powers are extremely limited.
We mainly just try to enforce puberty.
Well, I need this dick exploded.
So I guess you better get to it, huh? Thaaaaanks, guys.
Okay.
Do you guys know how to Ha! I figured it out.
We can get Sam and Laura together.
We just need to engineer a Chance Encounter.
Oh, no.
Those are very risky.
Check it out.
They both live near the same hospital, so all we need to do is get them there at the same time.
Step one injure Laura.
I found a melon near an open window along her route to work.
We blow it off, it clonks her on the head, and she goes straight to the ER.
With Sam, I figure we just pop his appendix.
They spot each other in the ER, sparks fly, they kiss.
World saved.
Okay.
It's very It's I don't I don't know, though.
Um Oh, don't worry.
Appendixes are easy.
Look, there's even a button for it.
Oh, you've seen that.
Um I know.
This is not the kind of stuff you usually do, and it's a little, you know It's outside of your comfort zone, and I get why you're scared.
Oh, no.
No.
I'm not scared.
- You're not? - No.
I'm a bold, intrepid man with a strong mind.
I'm a risk taker.
I'm a big, bad boy.
So that's a yes to the plan? [UNENTHUSIASTICALLY.]
Yes.
- Yes? - Yes.
- Yes! - Yeah.
- Oh, yes.
- Okay.
I hope these lovebirds like hospital food.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
Oh, Jean-Claude, I'd be lost without you.
Don't neglect the heel cap.
You know what they say.
It's not the clothes that make the man.
It's the man who makes the Aren't you meant to be off dealing with that penis? Oh, yeah.
I put someone on that.
Part of being an executive is knowing when to delegate.
GOD: Sanjay! Get in here! You don't have to come.
- Look at this! - Bill Maher, or should we say "Bill More," was feeling cocky as he dragged more than one hot dog down the street.
His dick grew! We asked the anti-religious provocateur how he felt about his blessing, and the funnyman quipped, "God is as fake as my dick is huge.
" Happy birthday to Bill Maher! - Come on! - I don't know what happened! I'll tell you what happened.
You messed up, man! I thought you could handle this.
You're supposed to be an executive.
Stick around for more girthy gossip right after the break.
All right.
Melon is in position.
All we gotta do now is hit this button, and bonk! We're in business.
WOMAN: Laura approaching.
All right.
Let's do this.
Oh, no! Wait! Um, we we don't have enough power - to execute this sequence.
- What? We need to increase the voltage to the valve coil, which is sort of down there a bit.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Okay, thank you.
- Dream team.
- Whoo-hoo, yes.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[ SCREAMING.]
Huh.
I couldn't find a breaker box or anything resembling a [GASPS.]
What the [BLEEP.]
What happened? Oh, no! Did it fall early?! Oh, what a disappointment for both of us.
[SIGHS.]
So, I had an idea for a sign involving their matching pollen allergies.
Did you do this? - Yes! Yes, yes! - Why? Because I If I can be extremely blunt, I just thought that your plan was maybe possibly Stupid.
My plan was stupid.
No.
Is that what you're saying? No, no, no, no, no.
It's It's just that, yesterday, you you did cause that typhoon, which unfortunately killed many people, and then, after that, you convinced God to blow up the Earth, so I just think that a little bit of caution is advisable.
You're not cautious, Craig.
You're a coward.
MAN: Oh, shit.
My melon.
MAN #2: There goes our fruit salad.
Barbara's gonna be furious.
Oh.
Good.
There you are.
Um can we go back downstairs where it's not as dangerous and there's not ledges to stand near? Uh, right you are.
I'm very sorry that I broke the melon.
It's fine.
I was just trying to help, but, as usual, I made things worse.
Eliza, you're down on yourself, and I get it.
If the world explodes, then you will go down as history's greatest murderer.
- Nobody wants that.
- From now on, I am just going to stay out of the way.
No.
Please no.
- I need you in the way.
- Why? Because you were right about me.
Right? I am not brave.
Not even slightly.
But you are.
And And that That's That's what Earth needs right now.
And I certainly can't do this without you.
Also, I've been thinking about it, and you were right.
A Chance Encounter really might work.
We just have to refine the execution a bit.
How? Well, I don't know yet, but I was kind of hoping we could figure that out together.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Downstairs? Yes.
Thank you, thank you.
What the shit?! Oh, I-I-I can explain.
We pumped Bill Maher's glands full of hormones in hopes that his penis would expand and then pop like a balloon, and everything was going smoothly, but then What?! As Bill's penis became larger, it grew more more beautiful.
At a certain point, we realized it would be immoral for us to destroy something so perfect.
I don't care.
This is coming from the top! Just blow it up! With respect, we refuse.
This isn't the Department of Anuses.
We have integrity.
Okay, fine! I'll do it myself! WOMAN: Pump-O-Tron activated.
Why isn't this working? You have to put your eyes up to the eye hole, and, uh, stare at the penis when you pump.
Why? Uh, I don't How many pumps is this gonna take? 50,000.
50,000? Yeah.
50,000.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
- [GROANS.]
- 2.
Okay, here's our target Bob's Hummus House.
It's perfect halfway between Sam and Laura's apartments.
And, most importantly, it serves their favorite food.
Gyros.
Let's get them there.
First step cut off their food supply.
Oh.
Dang.
Laura's a little trickier.
She never has any food in the house.
Always orders in.
Lucky for us, there's a simple fix.
We blow up the satellite for her cellphone provider.
[CELLPHONE BEEPING.]
Oh, dang.
Nice work.
Now to lure them in.
Mmm, gye-ro.
[SNIFFS.]
Mmm.
Jai-ros.
30 seconds to contact.
Wait.
Why is Sam stopping? [ DISTORTED VOICE.]
Ooh, pizza.
No, no, no.
What? No, I've scanned the route three times.
Every place Sam likes should be closed by now.
No, something's happening at Pizza Bongiorno.
If you're just joining us, comedian Bill Maher is dead after a tragic and confusing incident that has shaken the world of comedy and medicine.
We have to close that shop.
Now.
Maher's family has announced that the funeral will "definitely be closed casket.
" - [SQUISH.]
- Aaaah! I did it.
It's done.
Look.
Look, he's turning back around.
Yes! Awesome work.
We're back on track.
Thank you, and this pizza gentleman is gonna live, right? We are back on track.
No! They're gonna miss each other! What do we do now? I've got an idea.
[BOTH SNEEZE.]
Matching pollen allergies.
You're good.
Gesundheit.
Sam? Laura? Wow.
Now what? Now we just sit back and watch the sparks fly.
Remember the bathroom line at the party? Yeah, yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
It was long.
Ohh, no.
- Not like here.
- Nope.
There's There's no bathroom line.
Nope.
I can't watch this.
It's really hard to watch.
Can I maybe get your number? Do you want to hang out sometime? BOTH: Yes.
What?! Yes! Yes! Go on! Oh, yes! Never in doubt! - Yes! Yeah! - Yes! - Yes! - Oh! - Go! - Yes! Go, Sam and Laura.
Oh, thank you.
Help yourself to one of these.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna put you in your phone.
- My - Your - I'm gonna put my name as "Sam.
" - Sam.
Yeah.
All right, Sanjay! I hope you're proud.
You look proud.
Tell you what, I'm proud of you.
Wow.
I mean, I know how much you hated Bill Maher.
How much he hurt you.
And it would've been so easy for you to just keep taking the hits, night after night, special after special.
But you stuck to your guns, and that's why you are one heck of an executive.
[WEAKLY.]
Thanks, God.
All right.
I hope you're hungry for some gumbo.
What? Aah! For Lazy Susan's! Oh, I bet you thought I forget about our restaurant.
Now, don't worry.
I am still all in, fully committed to our dream.
Now, I need you to taste-test all of these gumbos immediately.
They range from very thick to almost solid.
Can Rosie taste some of the gumbos? I'm allergic.
Well, that's more for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, love you, buddy.
I love you.
Uh-huh.
Oh, and let me know if you find my tweezers.
Oh, okay.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- No, no, no, no.
Rosie, Rosie.
Rosie, this is ridiculous.
Okay, I'm not even hungry.
I ate a full lunch.
My arms are in a sling.
I've got to come at this mouth-first?! This is crazy! - I'm an executive! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
Good morning, good morning.
How's it going? She's already texting him.
Oh, nice.
Oh, thanks.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
- Oh! - I am so sorry.
No, don't, uh worry about it.
Who's this guy? I don't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, it's funny.
I I ran in here to get out of the rain.
And once we started talking, the rain stopped.
Maybe it's a sign.
Maybe.
- Not a sign.
Not a sign.
- No.
No.
How? - How would that be a sign?! - It's not a [BLEEP.]
sign! Pizza-shop owner and philanthropist Vincent Alfonsi is fighting for his life tonight after his appendix ruptured, leaving him stranded for hours inside his darkened pizzeria.
Alfonsi, known for the Thanksgiving pies that he distributes personally to the city's neediest children, will never walk again.
In my 20 years as a journalist, I've never seen such a beloved community fixture suffer so randomly and horribly.
It makes one question everything.
Sports is next.
I will transfer you to the Department of Answered Prayers.
Impossibles go all the way to the top.
And so, if anyone can handle them, he can.
I decided to blow up Earth.
I guess that's it.
If I answer one of these "Impossible" prayers, you spare Earth.
It's a bet.
[POPS LIPS.]
I really like this girl.
Okay, love prayers never work.
But related prayer.
I really like this guy.
Okay.
This could work.
- [DOOR CLOSES, - CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Rosie, if anyone comes looking for me, tell them I'm in a meeting.
With God! - Religion stupid, dangerous, pointless.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Just [BLEEP.]
everything up.
Hey, I got all your missed calls.
- What's the emergency? - MAN: Love you, Bill! Have you heard of this guy Bill Maher? - The talk-show guy? - Yeah.
Do you think he's funny? 'Cause I've been watching his stuff, and I don't know about these jokes.
- You mean the jokes about you? - Oh, no.
I don't care about that.
I mean [SCOFFS.]
No, I just I just don't I don't think he's funny.
So, what do you want to do? Well, I mean, I wasn't thinking about "doing" anything.
I'm just But now that you bring it up, what's that thing that where we can, uh - you know - Kill him? [LAUGHS.]
Whoa! Sanj! Did you just drop the "K" bomb? [LAUGHING.]
Wow! Wouldn't want to get on your bad side, Ice Man.
[LAUGHS.]
Ai-ai-uh-uh! Whoo! Uh! Ooh! Freezer burn.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
But, yeah, kill him.
Okay.
Well, the good news is, Bill Maher's already scheduled to die along with everyone else, when the Earth explodes in 13 days.
You know what's funny, is that, you know how sometimes, like, a day can feel so long? Okay, I'll go find a way to kill him.
Ice Man.
I love you, buddy.
Okay.
[BELL DINGING.]
[SCREAMING.]
- [BOMB TICKING.]
- Okay.
If we're gonna get these humans kissing, - we need to know more about them.
- Right.
First up, we have Laura.
24 years old.
Works at an escape room called "Solitary Confunment.
" Listen up, ya jailbirds.
A couple of ground rules, see? Don't touch the actors, see? And if you're looking for some clues, just ask the warden.
WOMAN: End clip.
What about Sam? What's his deal? So, Sam is also 24 years old.
He was born with extra teeth, and he seems to really love his grandmother.
BOTH: Yahtzee! [ LAUGHS.]
Oh, this might be harder than we thought.
Well, look, neither of them are particularly socially adept.
But I ran a compatibility check, and they scored a 98%.
Whoa! They have so much in common.
They both pretend to text in elevators in order to avoid potential small talk.
They were both accidentally omitted - from their high-school yearbook.
- BOTH: Dang.
They laugh at the same insurance commercial, they cry at the same car commercial, and they sing along incorrectly to the same dumb commercial.
Chewing some gum and having a fun Ooh, they both love gye-ros with extra green onions.
I think it's pronounced "jai-ros" but yes, and they both have matching pollen allergies.
[BOTH SNEEZE.]
No wonder they want to be together.
Unfortunately, they are both so shy that they haven't actually communicated since the night they met.
What are they waiting for? A sign.
[GASPS.]
Cool.
How does it work? We send them subtle clues to gently influence their actions.
- Huh.
- Yeah! Now, on the night they met, they had a fascinating conversation about the game of badminton.
Let's have a listen.
So, I hit the badminton thing with the badminton racket, and I was like, "Badminton's fun.
I think I like badminton.
" Wow.
I-I've never played badminton, but I really want to now.
- You should! - WOMAN: End clip.
They spoke of badminton.
Thus, if we remind them of badminton, they will see it as a sign a call to arms.
Each other's arms, as it were.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
The game begins.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
So, I found some build-up in Bill Maher's left ventricle.
Looks like all we have to do is thicken it up, and he'll have a massive heart attack by end of day.
Wow, that's great, Sanjay! - So we could explode his heart - Mm-hmm.
or his lungs [SOFTLY.]
or his penis.
Explode his penis? [LAUGHING.]
Whoa, Sanjay! Now, that's an idea! - Oh, no.
I don't know if, uh, that's - Rosie! something that Wow, you're not gonna believe this.
Sanjay, tell Rosie your idea about Bill Maher.
About his penis.
I guess, uh my idea is to explode his penis.
- Wow.
- I know.
Ice Man is on the warpath.
[LAUGHS.]
Better go handle that.
So, uh, I guess, uh, we should probably get started.
No.
This is all you.
This is insane! I'm an executive.
Have fun! Gust.
Gust.
Breeze.
Zephyr.
Quarter-breeze.
Updraft.
Yes! Boo-yah! In a mere six hours, I've successfully blown a badminton birdie from a rooftop court all the way to Laura's living room.
That is what I call a sign.
- Mmm.
- What is that? It's a mustard packet.
It's a little treat.
You do something good, you get a little reward.
- Here.
Have one.
- [COMPUTER BEEPING.]
Oh, hello.
Look.
It's happening.
Hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Onto the next sign.
Craig, okay, I've been doing research, and it seems like people never pick up on signs.
Okay? No matter how obvious they are.
Look.
- [ CROWS CAWING.]
- Ooh! 'Tis a crow-y day, indeed.
Well, time for the theater.
This will be a normal night.
See? This badminton thing is not gonna work.
We need to be bolder.
What? Eliza? Out of my way, black cat.
- I'm late for my fun play.
- [ CAT MEOWS.]
Hey, colleagues! Ahh! I'm Sanjay from upstairs.
- Love what you guys do down here.
- Oh, thanks.
Um, we we hardly ever get acknowledged, so Listen, I'm gonna need you to explode Bill Maher's penis.
- What? - It's important.
Um, sir, I-I think there's been a misunderstanding about what we do here in Genitals.
Our powers are extremely limited.
We mainly just try to enforce puberty.
Well, I need this dick exploded.
So I guess you better get to it, huh? Thaaaaanks, guys.
Okay.
Do you guys know how to Ha! I figured it out.
We can get Sam and Laura together.
We just need to engineer a Chance Encounter.
Oh, no.
Those are very risky.
Check it out.
They both live near the same hospital, so all we need to do is get them there at the same time.
Step one injure Laura.
I found a melon near an open window along her route to work.
We blow it off, it clonks her on the head, and she goes straight to the ER.
With Sam, I figure we just pop his appendix.
They spot each other in the ER, sparks fly, they kiss.
World saved.
Okay.
It's very It's I don't I don't know, though.
Um Oh, don't worry.
Appendixes are easy.
Look, there's even a button for it.
Oh, you've seen that.
Um I know.
This is not the kind of stuff you usually do, and it's a little, you know It's outside of your comfort zone, and I get why you're scared.
Oh, no.
No.
I'm not scared.
- You're not? - No.
I'm a bold, intrepid man with a strong mind.
I'm a risk taker.
I'm a big, bad boy.
So that's a yes to the plan? [UNENTHUSIASTICALLY.]
Yes.
- Yes? - Yes.
- Yes! - Yeah.
- Oh, yes.
- Okay.
I hope these lovebirds like hospital food.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
Oh, Jean-Claude, I'd be lost without you.
Don't neglect the heel cap.
You know what they say.
It's not the clothes that make the man.
It's the man who makes the Aren't you meant to be off dealing with that penis? Oh, yeah.
I put someone on that.
Part of being an executive is knowing when to delegate.
GOD: Sanjay! Get in here! You don't have to come.
- Look at this! - Bill Maher, or should we say "Bill More," was feeling cocky as he dragged more than one hot dog down the street.
His dick grew! We asked the anti-religious provocateur how he felt about his blessing, and the funnyman quipped, "God is as fake as my dick is huge.
" Happy birthday to Bill Maher! - Come on! - I don't know what happened! I'll tell you what happened.
You messed up, man! I thought you could handle this.
You're supposed to be an executive.
Stick around for more girthy gossip right after the break.
All right.
Melon is in position.
All we gotta do now is hit this button, and bonk! We're in business.
WOMAN: Laura approaching.
All right.
Let's do this.
Oh, no! Wait! Um, we we don't have enough power - to execute this sequence.
- What? We need to increase the voltage to the valve coil, which is sort of down there a bit.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Okay, thank you.
- Dream team.
- Whoo-hoo, yes.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[ SCREAMING.]
Huh.
I couldn't find a breaker box or anything resembling a [GASPS.]
What the [BLEEP.]
What happened? Oh, no! Did it fall early?! Oh, what a disappointment for both of us.
[SIGHS.]
So, I had an idea for a sign involving their matching pollen allergies.
Did you do this? - Yes! Yes, yes! - Why? Because I If I can be extremely blunt, I just thought that your plan was maybe possibly Stupid.
My plan was stupid.
No.
Is that what you're saying? No, no, no, no, no.
It's It's just that, yesterday, you you did cause that typhoon, which unfortunately killed many people, and then, after that, you convinced God to blow up the Earth, so I just think that a little bit of caution is advisable.
You're not cautious, Craig.
You're a coward.
MAN: Oh, shit.
My melon.
MAN #2: There goes our fruit salad.
Barbara's gonna be furious.
Oh.
Good.
There you are.
Um can we go back downstairs where it's not as dangerous and there's not ledges to stand near? Uh, right you are.
I'm very sorry that I broke the melon.
It's fine.
I was just trying to help, but, as usual, I made things worse.
Eliza, you're down on yourself, and I get it.
If the world explodes, then you will go down as history's greatest murderer.
- Nobody wants that.
- From now on, I am just going to stay out of the way.
No.
Please no.
- I need you in the way.
- Why? Because you were right about me.
Right? I am not brave.
Not even slightly.
But you are.
And And that That's That's what Earth needs right now.
And I certainly can't do this without you.
Also, I've been thinking about it, and you were right.
A Chance Encounter really might work.
We just have to refine the execution a bit.
How? Well, I don't know yet, but I was kind of hoping we could figure that out together.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Downstairs? Yes.
Thank you, thank you.
What the shit?! Oh, I-I-I can explain.
We pumped Bill Maher's glands full of hormones in hopes that his penis would expand and then pop like a balloon, and everything was going smoothly, but then What?! As Bill's penis became larger, it grew more more beautiful.
At a certain point, we realized it would be immoral for us to destroy something so perfect.
I don't care.
This is coming from the top! Just blow it up! With respect, we refuse.
This isn't the Department of Anuses.
We have integrity.
Okay, fine! I'll do it myself! WOMAN: Pump-O-Tron activated.
Why isn't this working? You have to put your eyes up to the eye hole, and, uh, stare at the penis when you pump.
Why? Uh, I don't How many pumps is this gonna take? 50,000.
50,000? Yeah.
50,000.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
- [GROANS.]
- 2.
Okay, here's our target Bob's Hummus House.
It's perfect halfway between Sam and Laura's apartments.
And, most importantly, it serves their favorite food.
Gyros.
Let's get them there.
First step cut off their food supply.
Oh.
Dang.
Laura's a little trickier.
She never has any food in the house.
Always orders in.
Lucky for us, there's a simple fix.
We blow up the satellite for her cellphone provider.
[CELLPHONE BEEPING.]
Oh, dang.
Nice work.
Now to lure them in.
Mmm, gye-ro.
[SNIFFS.]
Mmm.
Jai-ros.
30 seconds to contact.
Wait.
Why is Sam stopping? [ DISTORTED VOICE.]
Ooh, pizza.
No, no, no.
What? No, I've scanned the route three times.
Every place Sam likes should be closed by now.
No, something's happening at Pizza Bongiorno.
If you're just joining us, comedian Bill Maher is dead after a tragic and confusing incident that has shaken the world of comedy and medicine.
We have to close that shop.
Now.
Maher's family has announced that the funeral will "definitely be closed casket.
" - [SQUISH.]
- Aaaah! I did it.
It's done.
Look.
Look, he's turning back around.
Yes! Awesome work.
We're back on track.
Thank you, and this pizza gentleman is gonna live, right? We are back on track.
No! They're gonna miss each other! What do we do now? I've got an idea.
[BOTH SNEEZE.]
Matching pollen allergies.
You're good.
Gesundheit.
Sam? Laura? Wow.
Now what? Now we just sit back and watch the sparks fly.
Remember the bathroom line at the party? Yeah, yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
It was long.
Ohh, no.
- Not like here.
- Nope.
There's There's no bathroom line.
Nope.
I can't watch this.
It's really hard to watch.
Can I maybe get your number? Do you want to hang out sometime? BOTH: Yes.
What?! Yes! Yes! Go on! Oh, yes! Never in doubt! - Yes! Yeah! - Yes! - Yes! - Oh! - Go! - Yes! Go, Sam and Laura.
Oh, thank you.
Help yourself to one of these.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna put you in your phone.
- My - Your - I'm gonna put my name as "Sam.
" - Sam.
Yeah.
All right, Sanjay! I hope you're proud.
You look proud.
Tell you what, I'm proud of you.
Wow.
I mean, I know how much you hated Bill Maher.
How much he hurt you.
And it would've been so easy for you to just keep taking the hits, night after night, special after special.
But you stuck to your guns, and that's why you are one heck of an executive.
[WEAKLY.]
Thanks, God.
All right.
I hope you're hungry for some gumbo.
What? Aah! For Lazy Susan's! Oh, I bet you thought I forget about our restaurant.
Now, don't worry.
I am still all in, fully committed to our dream.
Now, I need you to taste-test all of these gumbos immediately.
They range from very thick to almost solid.
Can Rosie taste some of the gumbos? I'm allergic.
Well, that's more for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, love you, buddy.
I love you.
Uh-huh.
Oh, and let me know if you find my tweezers.
Oh, okay.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- No, no, no, no.
Rosie, Rosie.
Rosie, this is ridiculous.
Okay, I'm not even hungry.
I ate a full lunch.
My arms are in a sling.
I've got to come at this mouth-first?! This is crazy! - I'm an executive! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
Good morning, good morning.
How's it going? She's already texting him.
Oh, nice.
Oh, thanks.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
- Oh! - I am so sorry.
No, don't, uh worry about it.
Who's this guy? I don't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, it's funny.
I I ran in here to get out of the rain.
And once we started talking, the rain stopped.
Maybe it's a sign.
Maybe.
- Not a sign.
Not a sign.
- No.
No.
How? - How would that be a sign?! - It's not a [BLEEP.]
sign! Pizza-shop owner and philanthropist Vincent Alfonsi is fighting for his life tonight after his appendix ruptured, leaving him stranded for hours inside his darkened pizzeria.
Alfonsi, known for the Thanksgiving pies that he distributes personally to the city's neediest children, will never walk again.
In my 20 years as a journalist, I've never seen such a beloved community fixture suffer so randomly and horribly.
It makes one question everything.
Sports is next.