Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
( ringing bell ) Ah, thank you, Lexie.
( humming ) - Anything for me? - I fear not.
What about that? It's from the bank, look.
Yes, but it is addressed to me, see? Hector M.
MacDonald, Esquire.
It must be estate business.
I had hoped the new world order Might allow a chap to open his own correspondence.
( theme music playing ) ( door opens ) Hector: Tell me, boy Do you count packing suitcases As your very favorite hobby? - Are you in pain? - Archie: It's my back.
If I'm gonna stay, I'll have to do something about that mattress, - It's like a sack of King Edward's.
- Right.
Of course, so, you're staying on? Archie: No.
Well, yes.
Just for a while, Just to straighten a few things out.
Okay? I think so.
But, if you're staying, why are you going? To talk things over with Justine and work out How we're going to manage the restaurant in the meantime.
I feel sorry for Justine, but I'm glad for our sakes, - We're both glad.
Aren't we, Hector? - ( murmurs ) I still believe the only long-term option is to sell the place.
- Look here! - We'll get a much better price If we straighten out the accounts And start capitalizing on some of our primary assets.
So what did he say? That the estate needed every asset it had, That they couldn't afford to give land away, Maybe later, when he's had a chance to think about it, - Blah, blah, blah.
- No land, no new gymnasium.
For the time being, anyway.
What a shame.
It's just a piece of old pasture.
I'm disappointed in the Laird.
I wish you wouldn't call him that.
Sometimes I think you do it deliberately.
I'm off training.
I'll see you after break.
Has the Laird put his name down for the hill race? I don't know and I don't care.
This is one race I'm going to win without his permission.
Duncan! I thought I was a character in "The Godfather" there.
- Hello, Lexie.
- What are you doing? Your very hilarious bat impression? Training for the race, watch this.
I can do 50 of these.
Lexie: Plus your body's compensating For the lack of muscle elsewhere.
I'm not just talking about your brain.
What's happening? Well, he's stopping And he's going.
Eh? He's going to London for a spot of conjugal with this Justine bint, Then he's coming back here to sort things out.
Which probably means giving us all the push.
Well, don't just stand there, His gorgeousness will be wanting a lift.
Oh.
Aye Duncan? Duncan? ( starts engine ) Right.
Duncan.
Hector: Hang on.
Off to wage war.
Give me a lift to the front, would you? ( brakes screeching ) Thank you, men.
( birds cawing ) Drop it.
Drop it! Turn around slowly.
Hande hoch.
Sorry, Kilwillie, but for you the war is over.
( laughing ) ( hens clucking ) See you in a couple of weeks.
Afternoon.
Where can I get a taxi? - Inverness would be your best bet.
- That's rather inconvenient.
- Where are you going? - A place called Glenbogle House.
That's where I live.
I don't actually live there, I live in, um- never mind.
Archie MacDonald.
Any relation of one Hector MacDonald? Yeah, he's my father.
And you are? Fleming.
I represent his bank, Lascelles.
Your father's failed to reply to my letters.
I see.
Well, maybe we can give you a lift.
Kilwillie: Why don't we do Waterloo? I could be Napoleon.
Or what about Agincourt? We've never fought Agincourt.
Bows and arrows.
Boring.
I want guns, cannon.
- Malplaquet? - Nah.
- El Alamein? - No! Iwo Jima? An American battle? Please, Kilwillie.
Culloden, you can be Bonnie Prince Charlie, I shall be Butcher Cumberland.
I'm always Bonnie Prince Charlie.
That's because you're rather corpulent and fond of the sauce.
Come, to battle.
It is a misty, damp morning On the desolate moor of Culloden.
Sorry remnants of the great Jacobite dream Stand facing their nemesis, The English army.
Would you care for something tasty on an oatcake? It's a new line of ours.
Kilwillie's Gentlemen's Relish.
( barking ) Oh, god! Oh! Ow! Archie: Don't worry, they're very friendly.
Take no notice of them.
It's just their way of saying hello.
Monty, Rommel, down! No, no, stop it.
They're perfectly friendly, once you get to know them.
As I was saying, there's a lot Of interesting history about this house, really.
My great-great-grandfather built the place in the 1870s, But there had been a castle here before that.
Queen Victoria came to stay once.
But, apparently she caught a cold, And had to leave rather quickly.
My family have been here for 400 years.
I'm sure the early chiefs were utter rogues, but- Mr.
MacDonald, you're obviously confusing me With somebody who does give a monkey's.
I'm not a tripper or a tourist, Or a loud American in tartan trousers from Omaha.
I am a banker Who drew a very short straw, and traveled a ridiculous distance To conduct an even smaller piece of business, It seems at the cost of a very expensive pair of Boston loafers.
Now, can you please call your father So we can get it over with? Maybe we should go to the library? Lexie? Lexie, I know you're there.
Who's your friend? What's he in such a strop for? I want tea in the library.
Two people, nice china, bits to eat.
I presume your visit's related to our indebtedness at the bank? To a defaulted loan, And a breeched overdraft limit, yes.
Mr.
Fleming, I'd like to talk to you About my plans for the future.
You see, I own the estate now.
I have to tell you that as from Monday, Your family's accounts will be suspended.
The bank will then proceed to call in the loan.
You must find the funds to repay it, I presume by selling whatever assets you possess.
The estate is all we have.
So be it.
Mr.
Fleming, my mother and father Can't leave here.
I don't seem to be making myself understood.
Let me put it to you in words of one syllable: I'm here to close you down.
Radio: it's more or less the same as the things that you said and anyway, for all the things you've done tell me, why does the river not flow? and anyway, for all the things you've said tell me why does the river run red? but anyway That is for the nice gentleman.
If you're hungry, get yourself some bread and dripping.
Lexie: Here we are.
Tea up.
And you must be our very important guest.
Mr.
Fleming, is it? I've got an uncle called Fleming, You're not from Paisley, are you? I live in Ealing.
W- well, West Ealing, a- almost as far as Hanwell.
My, that sounds Complicated.
Yes, thank you- You look like a man with a big appetite, So, I've brought you a few things to get your teeth into, Some pancakes, drop scones and that.
All freshly baked, I hope? They were when they left the factory.
No, all home baked.
Anyway, well, Mr.
Fleming- Oh, heck, this is no good, what's your first name? - Me? - I'm not crossed-eyed, pet.
I am looking into your deep blue eyes.
I- I couldn't possibly say.
Man of mystery.
I'll wheedle it out of you one way or the other.
Anyway, I'm away to get one of those 13 spare rooms ready for you.
One of the better ones.
One that's been slept in in the last century- But, I couldn't possibly stay- Oh, what happened to your slip-on? Oh, your poor wee tassle.
Let me look at it for you.
Come on.
Trust me.
( softly ) there.
Oh dear, oh dear.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll get the estate's resident cobbler to fix it for you.
Okay? Now you'll have to stay, won't you? Who was that? Oh, that was Lexie.
She kind of runs the place.
Tea? Ah.
Thanks for the game, Kilwillie, I really enjoyed it.
Not very surprising, you won.
Of course I did.
Where would we be if Bonnie Prince Charlie Suddenly started winning the battle of Culloden? Living in a country that had been independent For two and a half centuries, probably.
What an appalling thought.
Molly: But who is he, Archie? Someone very powerful, mother, Someone who could turn us all out of here.
- What's he doing, Lexie? - Some personal grooming.
Archie: Right.
Here's what we have to do.
We have to persuade him, seduce him- Oh, aye? And who's gonna do that, then? Is there something wrong with your jaw? Make him see that this is a place with potential, That we can put it back on its feet, that his bank's money is safe with us.
What do you want us to do, then? Do? Yes, do.
Um Well I'll make a presentation.
Yes, he'll like that, A presentation about how we're gonna develop the place.
Golly, you and Duncan show him the estate, give him some sport.
Make sure he catches something really big, okay? But I've got my final training for the hill race.
Mother, maybe you could give him a tour of the house? Or I wonder if he's interested in gardening? I'm desperately in need of some help.
And you, Lexie, Just be nice to him, okay? Yes, oh master.
He shall be as putty in my windows.
Yeah, and it'll be curtains for him if he doesn't mind out.
There, nancy-boy's shoe's all done.
The most important thing, all of you, is we must keep him away from my father.
From now on, we must make sure that he's never on his own, That he can't be got at by the old man because that could be disastrous.
Ah, Archie.
- ( boat horn honking ) - oh, no! Hey, you? Yes, you! - Take the painter.
- The what? The rope, you dolt! Oh, hold on, come on, man.
Over there, what's the matter with you? You can let go now.
- Thanks, Kilwillie, off you go.
- Bye, old man.
Next time, I'll grind you into the dust, at Bull Run! One of those water board bods, are ya? Pardon? What is it this time? Measuring acid rain or some such nonsense? You must be Hector MacDonald.
Sir to you.
You chaps have such a comfy billet.
And the likes of me pay for it.
As far as I can see, Mr.
MacDonald, you pay for very little.
What did you say? I'll take my foot to your tradesmen's entrance in a minute.
Father! I don't work for the water board, I represent your bank.
I thought it was going downhill.
Some kind of clerk, are you? Account executive.
I have written to you repeatedly in the last six months Regarding your very serious position.
- You never replied.
- Of course not.
I have learned through bitter experience That acknowledging the pettifogging outpourings Of pen-pushing nobodies Is unlikely to increase the sum of human happiness.
Mine especially.
Mr.
MacDonald, you are a very rude man.
And you, sir, are a very dull one.
- You are also drunk! - But I shall be sober in the morning.
Anyway, it's my prerogative.
You are standing on my land! Not for very much longer, I'm happy to say! Mr.
Fleming, take no notice of my father- I'm going to my room.
I shall be obliged If you could have a sandwich and milk sent up to me later.
Won't you join us for dinner? I'll inspect your books and accounts tomorrow morning.
We can resolve any outstanding business shortly after that.
( laughs ) that showed him.
Doesn't do to let these fellows Get the upper hand, you know, Archie.
- Are you okay, dougal? - I wanted to give you this.
To make you smell nice.
I hope you mean To make me smell even nicer.
Did you buy this with your own money? My mom got it for Christmas, But she doesn't like it.
I love you, miss.
Look, I'll do your deal.
You can have the land for that gym thing.
Go on.
Well, the thing is, um What are you doing tonight? I was gonna worm the dog, But I guess it'll keep.
Katrina: I suppose it was Golly who told you I could cook books better than a boiled egg.
No comment.
This is going to take hours.
It's very good of you.
As long as you keep your side of the bargain.
I've given you the word of a MacDonald.
Very reassuring.
Showing me your best side, are ya? Ooh! God.
I was just um Is that a pair of M & S slacks in your hand? Or are you just pleased to see me? They're wet.
I was trying to turn the radiator on.
Lexie: Ah, yes, now the heating Doesn't come on till the first frost, Or the first of September, Whichever comes sooner.
Gimme.
I'll sort them for you.
I take it you're not dining with the Addams Family tonight then? - Definitely not.
- Shame.
You're missing out on some rare fun.
Oh! And thank you.
You have shone a bright light into the dull drabness of my day.
I have? It is no sight sweeter, more pregnant with pathos and vulnerability, Than a slender-legged gadgy, standing in his wee y- fronts and socks.
Night, night.
Archie, you know, These are just total rubbish.
Be fair, they're probably not as good as that.
- I'm doing my best, okay? - I'm grateful.
You trained for this sort of thing originally? When I first left university, I went to work for a bank in Edinburgh, Small business advisor.
I had some great clients.
A man who gelded horses, Two brothers who made Italian ice cream And a very refined lady from Morningside, Who ran a personal therapy center.
Oh, yeah? - She offered me a job.
- Is that right? As her business manager, smarty pants.
And you didn't take it? Those girls'd be earning twice as much as me.
I'd have found that very irritating.
Not to say tempting.
So, you became a teacher and came back here.
What on earth made you do that? I just felt maybe I could make a difference, simple as that.
Miss Jean Brodie, you're in your prime.
Don't patronize me, Archie MacDonald.
I'm not, I envy you.
You seem so certain, so sure.
Do I? I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
So You're going to make a presentation to this guy, are you? - You toe rag! - What? Increased rents on land and properties.
It's just an idea.
A way we might increase our revenue.
So far as I can see, rents haven't gone up in years.
For a very good reason.
People couldn't afford to pay them.
Look, it's just for this man, Fleming, nothing definite.
You would say that, wouldn't you? Until you got what you wanted from me.
What am I doing here? I'm off.
Leave me in the lurch, would you? You'll survive.
Your sort always do.
My sort? Katrina- Once a landlord, always a landlord.
You spent too much time with that personal therapist.
Gave you a wrong slant on human nature.
And you can kiss goodbye to that bit of land, too! ( water gurgles ) It's not an original.
That's in the National Gallery in Edinburgh now.
Hector had a copy made when he flogged the other one.
It paid for central heating.
Sometimes I think I'd rather be cold.
Fleming: She's very beautiful.
Ancestor.
Died in childbirth when she was 27.
Nightshirt okay for you, is it? My Lady Catherine's made quite an impression on you, hasn't she? She reminds me of my mother.
Better get off to bed.
Long day.
I'll say good night, then.
Oh, it's two short pulls, and one long one, by the way.
The lavvy.
So that's it.
All right.
I can't leave while he's here, but I'll be down soon.
You're not saying very much.
What's there to say? I mean, you're taking it very calmly.
What do you want me to do? Get hysterical? I wish you'd say something.
Justine? Maybe we should think about hiring a temporary manager.
- No.
- Just to tide things over.
Archie, I have to cope, While you're off doing your Mel Gibson thing.
I'd rather I didn't, but, hey, it's a tough world.
I'll manage in my own way, thank you very much, Without the benefit of your distant and rather fatuous advice.
Maybe we should talk about this later.
Yes.
Later.
And then some more.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Men- sometimes you have to wipe their bottoms, Sometimes you have to kick them.
( laughing ) ( thunderclap ) ( knocking on door ) Good morning.
Hope you slept well.
I heard animals in the night.
Grunting, howling.
Probably just my father.
( laughs ) I- I brought the books.
Perhaps later, you'd like to look around the estate, - Maybe try some sport? - These will take all day.
Anyway, I have the beginnings of a cold.
If there's anything you need, please shout.
Look, I'm in business myself, And I know that the accounts aren't All they should be.
I'm grieved to hear it.
Well, eight seconds down from Monday.
Are you all right? I didn't sleep too well last night.
Big race nerves.
You are carrying the hopes and dreams of our gender, The first time ever That women have entered the Glenbogle Hill Race.
Another nail in the coffin of patriarchy.
Me and my big mouth.
But I've complete faith in you, Katrina.
You go and win it, dear.
Win it for all the sisters, yes! ( groans ) Where is the wretched thing? ( laughing ) Everything all right? Oh, yes.
Fine.
( muffled chuckle ) ( laughing ) The main course'll be very simple.
Salmon, fresh out of the river, And new potatoes from Golly's garden, In a plain, white sauce.
Is it disaster proof? And what's that supposed to mean? I mean it, Lexie, no funny business.
Our future is in this man's hands.
Yoo-hoo.
Would the fair lady of the kitchen Allow me to enter her domain? Come away in.
You can enter my domain any time you like.
Just returning the tea things.
I have to say, Lexie, when it comes to scones, you are an artist.
Thanks.
You'll be staying to dinner then? How can I refuse? I was wondering, my trousers? Oh.
Cleaned and pressed.
Thank you.
The crease, a thing of beauty.
Oh, why, thank you, kind sir.
It's nice to be appreciated.
- Have you told him, mother? - Yes.
- And he knows what's expected? - Of course.
Will he behave himself? Look, I found it.
Okay, okay.
Ah, good evening.
I hope you're hungry.
( groaning ) This is delicious.
What is it? Nettle and raspberry soup With a sprinkling of Orkney cheese.
Oh, will I get stung? ( forced laugh ) You said it, pal.
I'd quite like some of the pattern left on that If you don't mind.
- Enjoy that, did you, Hector? - It smells of wet dog.
- And I love you, too.
- ( Fleming chuckles ) Isn't she wonderful? Feisty, witty, a brilliant cook, but tasty herself.
( laughing, snorts ) Anyway, you were saying about the books? The boo-? The books, yes.
Yes, well, they're very good.
They convey a very accurate picture of the enterprise.
Yes, I was rather afraid of that.
Which is, if the Glenbogle estate were a wet dog- To take your analogy, Mr.
MacDonald- The most humane course of action would be To rub it down with an old towel and shoot the mutt.
( laughing ) - How's it going? - All right.
These are for Molly and Hector.
You get the others.
Which one's his? The gowk in the suit? That one there.
The biggest portion.
Right.
I'll give you tasty.
Pinstriped prat.
Archie: Look, I can't disagree with you.
I run my own business.
Did I mention that? And I know that this estate Hasn't been run on very professional lines.
That's all right, don't mind me.
Just pretend I don't exist.
Archie: But the thing is, I believe there is something here worth fighting for.
Salmon.
Caught this morning from the River Bogle, Lightly poached with a plain white sauce.
Lovely.
Sorry, you were saying? I- we have great plans for developing Glenbogle.
For giving it life, making it prosper.
But how could you possibly generate the income? We- we have all sorts of ideas.
- Luxury foodstuffs for one.
- Height of vulgarity.
A corporate retreat.
Senior managers brain-storming business strategy In the unique environment of this fantastic old house.
And what about the aged residents of this fantastic old house? - Hector! - Your father obviously doesn't share your vision.
I run Glenbogle, Mr.
Fleming, not my father.
Well, I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen.
At least not with my bank's money.
- This looks delicious.
- Turn it into some wretched B & B, And the place'll be full of oiks like this fellow, Dropping his h's all over the shop.
( coughing ) Mr.
Fleming? What's the matter? I've been poisoned.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
( retching ) Oh, mine tastes fine.
Girl's pulled one out of the bag at last.
No more.
Unless you can give me a check for £100,000 As a clear indication of your ability and willingness To clear the estate's indebtedness, The bank will take steps to protect its position.
Can you write me such a check? Of course not.
Very well.
So be it.
Excuse me.
Right.
Yes, my man! - Get in! Get right in! - What's up with you? Medication wearing off? Jokes are one thing, I can take as many as you throw down.
But sabotage is another.
This is probably meaningless, but what the hell? - You're sacked.
- Archie! Right.
Start talking, slabhead.
I did it for you, honest, to show I cared.
( thuds, screams ) Molly: Now does everyone know what to do? Right.
Let's go.
And, guys, be careful out there, okay? I've always wanted to say that.
Molly? Molly? What are we gonna do about the money? Ah, well, I have a cunning plan.
Hey, big boy.
Wakey-wakey.
- Lexie.
- You feeling better? Now, you're going to eat the nice breakfast That I prepared for you.
Then you and I are going to go off on a little jaunt together.
- But I-I have to get back to- - oh, really? Life that exciting in Hanwell, or Ealing even? Lexie doesn't offer herself To any old Tom, Dick, or Archie, you know.
Right.
I'll meet you by the bike sheds In 10 minutes, Fleming.
Or should I call you Flem for short? My man.
My poor wee man.
You ready for adventure? Jump on.
We'll head for the hills.
( engine starts ) This is Golly, by the way, The best hunter this side of the Rockies.
Nice to meet you, Golly.
Molly: Is that honest Bob McDougall? Now then, my man, I gather you've got a book open On the Glenbogle hill race? Good, 'cause I'd like to make a very large bet.
Five thousand.
Yes, that's right, 5,000.
Have you seen our executioner this morning? You missed him, he's gone.
Where in heaven's name is Lexie? She's gone, too.
Archie sacked her.
- You'll have to make your own breakfast.
- What?! - You're going to be late.
- Late for what? The hill race, silly.
Yes, let's all go on a fun run.
Most timely.
We're all washed up, but what the heck? I suppose you want me to wear a silly costume, too.
What is it, the back end of a horse? Clown outfit might be appropriate.
But you used to love athletics at school.
Only when I was trying to run away.
Katrina said you'd chicken out.
She used to run for the Scottish universities.
Please.
Put on your shorts and run.
Just do this for your silly old mum, hmm? I've got the bread.
Now all we need is some means of toasting it.
Are you sure these will be okay? Listen, Dunc, I've come across A few intellectually challenged creatures in my time, But these trout are truly cretinous.
Lexie: Yee-ha! I've never been fishing before.
Neither have I.
Least not in a river.
Careful, man, you'll frighten the fish.
Come on.
Off you go.
Good boy.
Ah, good luck, my boy.
Thank you.
- I want you to wear this.
- What is it? MacDonald of Glenbogle's tam-o'- shanter.
The fifth Laird wore it at Culloden, When he escaped the clutches of the Redcoats.
The very event we're commemorating today.
- It's filthy.
- It's history.
If this is the last time a MacDonald runs in the hill race, It must be worn.
To complete the ancient and venerated circle.
- Exactly, Kilwillie.
- All right.
Good boy.
It's okay.
You can play with him till he's silly.
- He's loving it.
- Oh, my goodness.
I'm touching him.
Slowly, slowly, slowly.
I'm tickling him.
I'm tickling a bloody trout.
Go on, you can do it.
Net, Lexie.
( shrieks, laughing ) Right, that's that then.
I've got things to do.
Oh, my man.
My hunter.
I caught a fish with my bare hands.
Oh, Lexie, I don't know.
I felt special.
You are special, wee man.
Oh, Lexie, I'm having such a wonderful day.
That's 'cause you're pished.
You'll soon get used to it.
Woman: What, what have I let myself in for? Duncan? Oh, my sponsors insisted.
- Who's that then? - Wallace's garage.
Listen, boss, about the other night, It wasn't really Lexie's fault- Announcer: Please move to the starting line.
This is the last call.
Ladies and gentlemen, Would all competitors Please take their places at the start? Very nice.
You look like an extra from "Chariots of Fire.
" I'll soon burn you off, just you watch.
- Dream on, pal.
- A word, son.
- Not now.
- Now.
Would all competitors please take their places at the start? Your ma has put a bet on the race.
Big money.
What, on me? On Katrina.
Right? So you just make sure she wins.
Okay? You want me to throw the race? Well, I won't, I've had enough.
No, this is where Archie MacDonald makes his last stand.
Even if it turns out to be Little Big Horn.
Away you go! Come on, Duncan.
Come on.
There he is.
Archie, come on.
Come on, my boy.
Run hard, run true.
- Can't cope, eh? - Just pacing myself.
( laughing ) Oh, Lexie, this is the specialest day of my life.
I don't want to work in a bank.
I want to live here, in a wee cottage, And you could have my children.
And I could be a lumberjack And breathe in the fresh air And chop logs, with a chopper.
Oh, Flem, you're a crazy guy.
I am, I'm crazy for you.
There isn't anybody like you in Ealing.
Oh, Lexie, you're the most Wonderful girl I've ever met.
Apart from my own darling mother.
May I kiss you? I should like to very much.
Okay.
But No tongues, mind.
( screaming ) Duncan? I'm gonna kill you! Come on then, I'll fight you for her.
Touch her again and you'll get a double dose.
Duncan, I'm not gonna tell you again! I warned you about that.
I mean it.
- I've told you before! - Lexie! Ah, help! Flem Archie! Help me, I'm going down.
Oh, dear, what a shame.
Help me, please.
I'm going to die.
Sorry, I'm in a race just now.
Fleming: Archie, please, please, I'm drowning.
Here, grab my hand.
That's it.
I could use this, you know.
A less scrupulous man would, you know what I mean? Archie, come on, you can win this.
I told you I'd catch you.
Who is it? Hector: Come on, boy.
Katrina.
Suffering there, are you? Just doing what I'm told.
I'll tell you what, I'll let you win, If you give me that bit of land.
Archie: I'll beat you.
I'm faster than you.
Sassenachs beaten again.
I'm as Scottish as you are.
Ha, you Scottish? Whoa! Katrina! - Katrina, are you all right? - I'm fine.
- Come on.
- Go on, you can still win.
Jolly sporting of the boy.
His ancestors would be proud of him.
Yes, it was a good show.
Announcer: The winner of this year's Glenbogle Hill Race.
Welcome to Planet Glenbogle.
( loud cheering ) Nice one, Duncan.
Shame about the costume.
Fleming: Well done.
Archie: And the winner of the women's race And equal second, Katrina Finley.
Well done.
Oh, and by the way, Katrina, You can have that land for the school.
( cheering ) Thank you very much, Archie.
And we weren't equal second by the way.
I crossed the line first.
It's a mere technicality.
Well done, Arch.
Can I just say sorry? I don't really want you to go.
Oh, I'm not going anywhere, boy.
Now hush your mouth and give us a kiss.
Give him a kiss, girls.
Go on.
Lovely.
And again.
Thank you.
Justine.
You've kissed virtually every woman in Scotland.
Aren't you going to give me one? - You could have stayed, you know.
- Stayed? I've been insulted.
I've been poisoned, Assaulted by a mad Pict And chased into a river.
I've ruined a good suit.
I nearly died.
I'm sorry.
I've had the time of my life, Archie.
The bank will give you another six months.
We'll extend the overdraft by another 75k.
- Make the most of it.
- Thank you very much.
Tell Lexie, it's Lancelot.
- Hmm? - My name.
( train approaches, sounds horn ) Right.
We need to talk Now.
( theme music playing )
( humming ) - Anything for me? - I fear not.
What about that? It's from the bank, look.
Yes, but it is addressed to me, see? Hector M.
MacDonald, Esquire.
It must be estate business.
I had hoped the new world order Might allow a chap to open his own correspondence.
( theme music playing ) ( door opens ) Hector: Tell me, boy Do you count packing suitcases As your very favorite hobby? - Are you in pain? - Archie: It's my back.
If I'm gonna stay, I'll have to do something about that mattress, - It's like a sack of King Edward's.
- Right.
Of course, so, you're staying on? Archie: No.
Well, yes.
Just for a while, Just to straighten a few things out.
Okay? I think so.
But, if you're staying, why are you going? To talk things over with Justine and work out How we're going to manage the restaurant in the meantime.
I feel sorry for Justine, but I'm glad for our sakes, - We're both glad.
Aren't we, Hector? - ( murmurs ) I still believe the only long-term option is to sell the place.
- Look here! - We'll get a much better price If we straighten out the accounts And start capitalizing on some of our primary assets.
So what did he say? That the estate needed every asset it had, That they couldn't afford to give land away, Maybe later, when he's had a chance to think about it, - Blah, blah, blah.
- No land, no new gymnasium.
For the time being, anyway.
What a shame.
It's just a piece of old pasture.
I'm disappointed in the Laird.
I wish you wouldn't call him that.
Sometimes I think you do it deliberately.
I'm off training.
I'll see you after break.
Has the Laird put his name down for the hill race? I don't know and I don't care.
This is one race I'm going to win without his permission.
Duncan! I thought I was a character in "The Godfather" there.
- Hello, Lexie.
- What are you doing? Your very hilarious bat impression? Training for the race, watch this.
I can do 50 of these.
Lexie: Plus your body's compensating For the lack of muscle elsewhere.
I'm not just talking about your brain.
What's happening? Well, he's stopping And he's going.
Eh? He's going to London for a spot of conjugal with this Justine bint, Then he's coming back here to sort things out.
Which probably means giving us all the push.
Well, don't just stand there, His gorgeousness will be wanting a lift.
Oh.
Aye Duncan? Duncan? ( starts engine ) Right.
Duncan.
Hector: Hang on.
Off to wage war.
Give me a lift to the front, would you? ( brakes screeching ) Thank you, men.
( birds cawing ) Drop it.
Drop it! Turn around slowly.
Hande hoch.
Sorry, Kilwillie, but for you the war is over.
( laughing ) ( hens clucking ) See you in a couple of weeks.
Afternoon.
Where can I get a taxi? - Inverness would be your best bet.
- That's rather inconvenient.
- Where are you going? - A place called Glenbogle House.
That's where I live.
I don't actually live there, I live in, um- never mind.
Archie MacDonald.
Any relation of one Hector MacDonald? Yeah, he's my father.
And you are? Fleming.
I represent his bank, Lascelles.
Your father's failed to reply to my letters.
I see.
Well, maybe we can give you a lift.
Kilwillie: Why don't we do Waterloo? I could be Napoleon.
Or what about Agincourt? We've never fought Agincourt.
Bows and arrows.
Boring.
I want guns, cannon.
- Malplaquet? - Nah.
- El Alamein? - No! Iwo Jima? An American battle? Please, Kilwillie.
Culloden, you can be Bonnie Prince Charlie, I shall be Butcher Cumberland.
I'm always Bonnie Prince Charlie.
That's because you're rather corpulent and fond of the sauce.
Come, to battle.
It is a misty, damp morning On the desolate moor of Culloden.
Sorry remnants of the great Jacobite dream Stand facing their nemesis, The English army.
Would you care for something tasty on an oatcake? It's a new line of ours.
Kilwillie's Gentlemen's Relish.
( barking ) Oh, god! Oh! Ow! Archie: Don't worry, they're very friendly.
Take no notice of them.
It's just their way of saying hello.
Monty, Rommel, down! No, no, stop it.
They're perfectly friendly, once you get to know them.
As I was saying, there's a lot Of interesting history about this house, really.
My great-great-grandfather built the place in the 1870s, But there had been a castle here before that.
Queen Victoria came to stay once.
But, apparently she caught a cold, And had to leave rather quickly.
My family have been here for 400 years.
I'm sure the early chiefs were utter rogues, but- Mr.
MacDonald, you're obviously confusing me With somebody who does give a monkey's.
I'm not a tripper or a tourist, Or a loud American in tartan trousers from Omaha.
I am a banker Who drew a very short straw, and traveled a ridiculous distance To conduct an even smaller piece of business, It seems at the cost of a very expensive pair of Boston loafers.
Now, can you please call your father So we can get it over with? Maybe we should go to the library? Lexie? Lexie, I know you're there.
Who's your friend? What's he in such a strop for? I want tea in the library.
Two people, nice china, bits to eat.
I presume your visit's related to our indebtedness at the bank? To a defaulted loan, And a breeched overdraft limit, yes.
Mr.
Fleming, I'd like to talk to you About my plans for the future.
You see, I own the estate now.
I have to tell you that as from Monday, Your family's accounts will be suspended.
The bank will then proceed to call in the loan.
You must find the funds to repay it, I presume by selling whatever assets you possess.
The estate is all we have.
So be it.
Mr.
Fleming, my mother and father Can't leave here.
I don't seem to be making myself understood.
Let me put it to you in words of one syllable: I'm here to close you down.
Radio: it's more or less the same as the things that you said and anyway, for all the things you've done tell me, why does the river not flow? and anyway, for all the things you've said tell me why does the river run red? but anyway That is for the nice gentleman.
If you're hungry, get yourself some bread and dripping.
Lexie: Here we are.
Tea up.
And you must be our very important guest.
Mr.
Fleming, is it? I've got an uncle called Fleming, You're not from Paisley, are you? I live in Ealing.
W- well, West Ealing, a- almost as far as Hanwell.
My, that sounds Complicated.
Yes, thank you- You look like a man with a big appetite, So, I've brought you a few things to get your teeth into, Some pancakes, drop scones and that.
All freshly baked, I hope? They were when they left the factory.
No, all home baked.
Anyway, well, Mr.
Fleming- Oh, heck, this is no good, what's your first name? - Me? - I'm not crossed-eyed, pet.
I am looking into your deep blue eyes.
I- I couldn't possibly say.
Man of mystery.
I'll wheedle it out of you one way or the other.
Anyway, I'm away to get one of those 13 spare rooms ready for you.
One of the better ones.
One that's been slept in in the last century- But, I couldn't possibly stay- Oh, what happened to your slip-on? Oh, your poor wee tassle.
Let me look at it for you.
Come on.
Trust me.
( softly ) there.
Oh dear, oh dear.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll get the estate's resident cobbler to fix it for you.
Okay? Now you'll have to stay, won't you? Who was that? Oh, that was Lexie.
She kind of runs the place.
Tea? Ah.
Thanks for the game, Kilwillie, I really enjoyed it.
Not very surprising, you won.
Of course I did.
Where would we be if Bonnie Prince Charlie Suddenly started winning the battle of Culloden? Living in a country that had been independent For two and a half centuries, probably.
What an appalling thought.
Molly: But who is he, Archie? Someone very powerful, mother, Someone who could turn us all out of here.
- What's he doing, Lexie? - Some personal grooming.
Archie: Right.
Here's what we have to do.
We have to persuade him, seduce him- Oh, aye? And who's gonna do that, then? Is there something wrong with your jaw? Make him see that this is a place with potential, That we can put it back on its feet, that his bank's money is safe with us.
What do you want us to do, then? Do? Yes, do.
Um Well I'll make a presentation.
Yes, he'll like that, A presentation about how we're gonna develop the place.
Golly, you and Duncan show him the estate, give him some sport.
Make sure he catches something really big, okay? But I've got my final training for the hill race.
Mother, maybe you could give him a tour of the house? Or I wonder if he's interested in gardening? I'm desperately in need of some help.
And you, Lexie, Just be nice to him, okay? Yes, oh master.
He shall be as putty in my windows.
Yeah, and it'll be curtains for him if he doesn't mind out.
There, nancy-boy's shoe's all done.
The most important thing, all of you, is we must keep him away from my father.
From now on, we must make sure that he's never on his own, That he can't be got at by the old man because that could be disastrous.
Ah, Archie.
- ( boat horn honking ) - oh, no! Hey, you? Yes, you! - Take the painter.
- The what? The rope, you dolt! Oh, hold on, come on, man.
Over there, what's the matter with you? You can let go now.
- Thanks, Kilwillie, off you go.
- Bye, old man.
Next time, I'll grind you into the dust, at Bull Run! One of those water board bods, are ya? Pardon? What is it this time? Measuring acid rain or some such nonsense? You must be Hector MacDonald.
Sir to you.
You chaps have such a comfy billet.
And the likes of me pay for it.
As far as I can see, Mr.
MacDonald, you pay for very little.
What did you say? I'll take my foot to your tradesmen's entrance in a minute.
Father! I don't work for the water board, I represent your bank.
I thought it was going downhill.
Some kind of clerk, are you? Account executive.
I have written to you repeatedly in the last six months Regarding your very serious position.
- You never replied.
- Of course not.
I have learned through bitter experience That acknowledging the pettifogging outpourings Of pen-pushing nobodies Is unlikely to increase the sum of human happiness.
Mine especially.
Mr.
MacDonald, you are a very rude man.
And you, sir, are a very dull one.
- You are also drunk! - But I shall be sober in the morning.
Anyway, it's my prerogative.
You are standing on my land! Not for very much longer, I'm happy to say! Mr.
Fleming, take no notice of my father- I'm going to my room.
I shall be obliged If you could have a sandwich and milk sent up to me later.
Won't you join us for dinner? I'll inspect your books and accounts tomorrow morning.
We can resolve any outstanding business shortly after that.
( laughs ) that showed him.
Doesn't do to let these fellows Get the upper hand, you know, Archie.
- Are you okay, dougal? - I wanted to give you this.
To make you smell nice.
I hope you mean To make me smell even nicer.
Did you buy this with your own money? My mom got it for Christmas, But she doesn't like it.
I love you, miss.
Look, I'll do your deal.
You can have the land for that gym thing.
Go on.
Well, the thing is, um What are you doing tonight? I was gonna worm the dog, But I guess it'll keep.
Katrina: I suppose it was Golly who told you I could cook books better than a boiled egg.
No comment.
This is going to take hours.
It's very good of you.
As long as you keep your side of the bargain.
I've given you the word of a MacDonald.
Very reassuring.
Showing me your best side, are ya? Ooh! God.
I was just um Is that a pair of M & S slacks in your hand? Or are you just pleased to see me? They're wet.
I was trying to turn the radiator on.
Lexie: Ah, yes, now the heating Doesn't come on till the first frost, Or the first of September, Whichever comes sooner.
Gimme.
I'll sort them for you.
I take it you're not dining with the Addams Family tonight then? - Definitely not.
- Shame.
You're missing out on some rare fun.
Oh! And thank you.
You have shone a bright light into the dull drabness of my day.
I have? It is no sight sweeter, more pregnant with pathos and vulnerability, Than a slender-legged gadgy, standing in his wee y- fronts and socks.
Night, night.
Archie, you know, These are just total rubbish.
Be fair, they're probably not as good as that.
- I'm doing my best, okay? - I'm grateful.
You trained for this sort of thing originally? When I first left university, I went to work for a bank in Edinburgh, Small business advisor.
I had some great clients.
A man who gelded horses, Two brothers who made Italian ice cream And a very refined lady from Morningside, Who ran a personal therapy center.
Oh, yeah? - She offered me a job.
- Is that right? As her business manager, smarty pants.
And you didn't take it? Those girls'd be earning twice as much as me.
I'd have found that very irritating.
Not to say tempting.
So, you became a teacher and came back here.
What on earth made you do that? I just felt maybe I could make a difference, simple as that.
Miss Jean Brodie, you're in your prime.
Don't patronize me, Archie MacDonald.
I'm not, I envy you.
You seem so certain, so sure.
Do I? I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
So You're going to make a presentation to this guy, are you? - You toe rag! - What? Increased rents on land and properties.
It's just an idea.
A way we might increase our revenue.
So far as I can see, rents haven't gone up in years.
For a very good reason.
People couldn't afford to pay them.
Look, it's just for this man, Fleming, nothing definite.
You would say that, wouldn't you? Until you got what you wanted from me.
What am I doing here? I'm off.
Leave me in the lurch, would you? You'll survive.
Your sort always do.
My sort? Katrina- Once a landlord, always a landlord.
You spent too much time with that personal therapist.
Gave you a wrong slant on human nature.
And you can kiss goodbye to that bit of land, too! ( water gurgles ) It's not an original.
That's in the National Gallery in Edinburgh now.
Hector had a copy made when he flogged the other one.
It paid for central heating.
Sometimes I think I'd rather be cold.
Fleming: She's very beautiful.
Ancestor.
Died in childbirth when she was 27.
Nightshirt okay for you, is it? My Lady Catherine's made quite an impression on you, hasn't she? She reminds me of my mother.
Better get off to bed.
Long day.
I'll say good night, then.
Oh, it's two short pulls, and one long one, by the way.
The lavvy.
So that's it.
All right.
I can't leave while he's here, but I'll be down soon.
You're not saying very much.
What's there to say? I mean, you're taking it very calmly.
What do you want me to do? Get hysterical? I wish you'd say something.
Justine? Maybe we should think about hiring a temporary manager.
- No.
- Just to tide things over.
Archie, I have to cope, While you're off doing your Mel Gibson thing.
I'd rather I didn't, but, hey, it's a tough world.
I'll manage in my own way, thank you very much, Without the benefit of your distant and rather fatuous advice.
Maybe we should talk about this later.
Yes.
Later.
And then some more.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Men- sometimes you have to wipe their bottoms, Sometimes you have to kick them.
( laughing ) ( thunderclap ) ( knocking on door ) Good morning.
Hope you slept well.
I heard animals in the night.
Grunting, howling.
Probably just my father.
( laughs ) I- I brought the books.
Perhaps later, you'd like to look around the estate, - Maybe try some sport? - These will take all day.
Anyway, I have the beginnings of a cold.
If there's anything you need, please shout.
Look, I'm in business myself, And I know that the accounts aren't All they should be.
I'm grieved to hear it.
Well, eight seconds down from Monday.
Are you all right? I didn't sleep too well last night.
Big race nerves.
You are carrying the hopes and dreams of our gender, The first time ever That women have entered the Glenbogle Hill Race.
Another nail in the coffin of patriarchy.
Me and my big mouth.
But I've complete faith in you, Katrina.
You go and win it, dear.
Win it for all the sisters, yes! ( groans ) Where is the wretched thing? ( laughing ) Everything all right? Oh, yes.
Fine.
( muffled chuckle ) ( laughing ) The main course'll be very simple.
Salmon, fresh out of the river, And new potatoes from Golly's garden, In a plain, white sauce.
Is it disaster proof? And what's that supposed to mean? I mean it, Lexie, no funny business.
Our future is in this man's hands.
Yoo-hoo.
Would the fair lady of the kitchen Allow me to enter her domain? Come away in.
You can enter my domain any time you like.
Just returning the tea things.
I have to say, Lexie, when it comes to scones, you are an artist.
Thanks.
You'll be staying to dinner then? How can I refuse? I was wondering, my trousers? Oh.
Cleaned and pressed.
Thank you.
The crease, a thing of beauty.
Oh, why, thank you, kind sir.
It's nice to be appreciated.
- Have you told him, mother? - Yes.
- And he knows what's expected? - Of course.
Will he behave himself? Look, I found it.
Okay, okay.
Ah, good evening.
I hope you're hungry.
( groaning ) This is delicious.
What is it? Nettle and raspberry soup With a sprinkling of Orkney cheese.
Oh, will I get stung? ( forced laugh ) You said it, pal.
I'd quite like some of the pattern left on that If you don't mind.
- Enjoy that, did you, Hector? - It smells of wet dog.
- And I love you, too.
- ( Fleming chuckles ) Isn't she wonderful? Feisty, witty, a brilliant cook, but tasty herself.
( laughing, snorts ) Anyway, you were saying about the books? The boo-? The books, yes.
Yes, well, they're very good.
They convey a very accurate picture of the enterprise.
Yes, I was rather afraid of that.
Which is, if the Glenbogle estate were a wet dog- To take your analogy, Mr.
MacDonald- The most humane course of action would be To rub it down with an old towel and shoot the mutt.
( laughing ) - How's it going? - All right.
These are for Molly and Hector.
You get the others.
Which one's his? The gowk in the suit? That one there.
The biggest portion.
Right.
I'll give you tasty.
Pinstriped prat.
Archie: Look, I can't disagree with you.
I run my own business.
Did I mention that? And I know that this estate Hasn't been run on very professional lines.
That's all right, don't mind me.
Just pretend I don't exist.
Archie: But the thing is, I believe there is something here worth fighting for.
Salmon.
Caught this morning from the River Bogle, Lightly poached with a plain white sauce.
Lovely.
Sorry, you were saying? I- we have great plans for developing Glenbogle.
For giving it life, making it prosper.
But how could you possibly generate the income? We- we have all sorts of ideas.
- Luxury foodstuffs for one.
- Height of vulgarity.
A corporate retreat.
Senior managers brain-storming business strategy In the unique environment of this fantastic old house.
And what about the aged residents of this fantastic old house? - Hector! - Your father obviously doesn't share your vision.
I run Glenbogle, Mr.
Fleming, not my father.
Well, I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen.
At least not with my bank's money.
- This looks delicious.
- Turn it into some wretched B & B, And the place'll be full of oiks like this fellow, Dropping his h's all over the shop.
( coughing ) Mr.
Fleming? What's the matter? I've been poisoned.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
( retching ) Oh, mine tastes fine.
Girl's pulled one out of the bag at last.
No more.
Unless you can give me a check for £100,000 As a clear indication of your ability and willingness To clear the estate's indebtedness, The bank will take steps to protect its position.
Can you write me such a check? Of course not.
Very well.
So be it.
Excuse me.
Right.
Yes, my man! - Get in! Get right in! - What's up with you? Medication wearing off? Jokes are one thing, I can take as many as you throw down.
But sabotage is another.
This is probably meaningless, but what the hell? - You're sacked.
- Archie! Right.
Start talking, slabhead.
I did it for you, honest, to show I cared.
( thuds, screams ) Molly: Now does everyone know what to do? Right.
Let's go.
And, guys, be careful out there, okay? I've always wanted to say that.
Molly? Molly? What are we gonna do about the money? Ah, well, I have a cunning plan.
Hey, big boy.
Wakey-wakey.
- Lexie.
- You feeling better? Now, you're going to eat the nice breakfast That I prepared for you.
Then you and I are going to go off on a little jaunt together.
- But I-I have to get back to- - oh, really? Life that exciting in Hanwell, or Ealing even? Lexie doesn't offer herself To any old Tom, Dick, or Archie, you know.
Right.
I'll meet you by the bike sheds In 10 minutes, Fleming.
Or should I call you Flem for short? My man.
My poor wee man.
You ready for adventure? Jump on.
We'll head for the hills.
( engine starts ) This is Golly, by the way, The best hunter this side of the Rockies.
Nice to meet you, Golly.
Molly: Is that honest Bob McDougall? Now then, my man, I gather you've got a book open On the Glenbogle hill race? Good, 'cause I'd like to make a very large bet.
Five thousand.
Yes, that's right, 5,000.
Have you seen our executioner this morning? You missed him, he's gone.
Where in heaven's name is Lexie? She's gone, too.
Archie sacked her.
- You'll have to make your own breakfast.
- What?! - You're going to be late.
- Late for what? The hill race, silly.
Yes, let's all go on a fun run.
Most timely.
We're all washed up, but what the heck? I suppose you want me to wear a silly costume, too.
What is it, the back end of a horse? Clown outfit might be appropriate.
But you used to love athletics at school.
Only when I was trying to run away.
Katrina said you'd chicken out.
She used to run for the Scottish universities.
Please.
Put on your shorts and run.
Just do this for your silly old mum, hmm? I've got the bread.
Now all we need is some means of toasting it.
Are you sure these will be okay? Listen, Dunc, I've come across A few intellectually challenged creatures in my time, But these trout are truly cretinous.
Lexie: Yee-ha! I've never been fishing before.
Neither have I.
Least not in a river.
Careful, man, you'll frighten the fish.
Come on.
Off you go.
Good boy.
Ah, good luck, my boy.
Thank you.
- I want you to wear this.
- What is it? MacDonald of Glenbogle's tam-o'- shanter.
The fifth Laird wore it at Culloden, When he escaped the clutches of the Redcoats.
The very event we're commemorating today.
- It's filthy.
- It's history.
If this is the last time a MacDonald runs in the hill race, It must be worn.
To complete the ancient and venerated circle.
- Exactly, Kilwillie.
- All right.
Good boy.
It's okay.
You can play with him till he's silly.
- He's loving it.
- Oh, my goodness.
I'm touching him.
Slowly, slowly, slowly.
I'm tickling him.
I'm tickling a bloody trout.
Go on, you can do it.
Net, Lexie.
( shrieks, laughing ) Right, that's that then.
I've got things to do.
Oh, my man.
My hunter.
I caught a fish with my bare hands.
Oh, Lexie, I don't know.
I felt special.
You are special, wee man.
Oh, Lexie, I'm having such a wonderful day.
That's 'cause you're pished.
You'll soon get used to it.
Woman: What, what have I let myself in for? Duncan? Oh, my sponsors insisted.
- Who's that then? - Wallace's garage.
Listen, boss, about the other night, It wasn't really Lexie's fault- Announcer: Please move to the starting line.
This is the last call.
Ladies and gentlemen, Would all competitors Please take their places at the start? Very nice.
You look like an extra from "Chariots of Fire.
" I'll soon burn you off, just you watch.
- Dream on, pal.
- A word, son.
- Not now.
- Now.
Would all competitors please take their places at the start? Your ma has put a bet on the race.
Big money.
What, on me? On Katrina.
Right? So you just make sure she wins.
Okay? You want me to throw the race? Well, I won't, I've had enough.
No, this is where Archie MacDonald makes his last stand.
Even if it turns out to be Little Big Horn.
Away you go! Come on, Duncan.
Come on.
There he is.
Archie, come on.
Come on, my boy.
Run hard, run true.
- Can't cope, eh? - Just pacing myself.
( laughing ) Oh, Lexie, this is the specialest day of my life.
I don't want to work in a bank.
I want to live here, in a wee cottage, And you could have my children.
And I could be a lumberjack And breathe in the fresh air And chop logs, with a chopper.
Oh, Flem, you're a crazy guy.
I am, I'm crazy for you.
There isn't anybody like you in Ealing.
Oh, Lexie, you're the most Wonderful girl I've ever met.
Apart from my own darling mother.
May I kiss you? I should like to very much.
Okay.
But No tongues, mind.
( screaming ) Duncan? I'm gonna kill you! Come on then, I'll fight you for her.
Touch her again and you'll get a double dose.
Duncan, I'm not gonna tell you again! I warned you about that.
I mean it.
- I've told you before! - Lexie! Ah, help! Flem Archie! Help me, I'm going down.
Oh, dear, what a shame.
Help me, please.
I'm going to die.
Sorry, I'm in a race just now.
Fleming: Archie, please, please, I'm drowning.
Here, grab my hand.
That's it.
I could use this, you know.
A less scrupulous man would, you know what I mean? Archie, come on, you can win this.
I told you I'd catch you.
Who is it? Hector: Come on, boy.
Katrina.
Suffering there, are you? Just doing what I'm told.
I'll tell you what, I'll let you win, If you give me that bit of land.
Archie: I'll beat you.
I'm faster than you.
Sassenachs beaten again.
I'm as Scottish as you are.
Ha, you Scottish? Whoa! Katrina! - Katrina, are you all right? - I'm fine.
- Come on.
- Go on, you can still win.
Jolly sporting of the boy.
His ancestors would be proud of him.
Yes, it was a good show.
Announcer: The winner of this year's Glenbogle Hill Race.
Welcome to Planet Glenbogle.
( loud cheering ) Nice one, Duncan.
Shame about the costume.
Fleming: Well done.
Archie: And the winner of the women's race And equal second, Katrina Finley.
Well done.
Oh, and by the way, Katrina, You can have that land for the school.
( cheering ) Thank you very much, Archie.
And we weren't equal second by the way.
I crossed the line first.
It's a mere technicality.
Well done, Arch.
Can I just say sorry? I don't really want you to go.
Oh, I'm not going anywhere, boy.
Now hush your mouth and give us a kiss.
Give him a kiss, girls.
Go on.
Lovely.
And again.
Thank you.
Justine.
You've kissed virtually every woman in Scotland.
Aren't you going to give me one? - You could have stayed, you know.
- Stayed? I've been insulted.
I've been poisoned, Assaulted by a mad Pict And chased into a river.
I've ruined a good suit.
I nearly died.
I'm sorry.
I've had the time of my life, Archie.
The bank will give you another six months.
We'll extend the overdraft by another 75k.
- Make the most of it.
- Thank you very much.
Tell Lexie, it's Lancelot.
- Hmm? - My name.
( train approaches, sounds horn ) Right.
We need to talk Now.
( theme music playing )